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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: January 2018

Psychological Safety: We Are All Naturally Creative, Resourceful, and Whole

30 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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Tags

#creativeresourcefulandwhole, #Google, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #ProjectAristotle, #psychologicalsafety, Feelings, relationships

loving kindness cropped 600 px

In the examination of psychological safety, we’ve talked about a need to be trusting and trustworthy. We’ve also discussed the importance of having the courage to let people express their opinions and feelings – standing bravely in the lion’s roar. I’ve discovered another big reason why we have trouble creating psychological safety, and it’s inspired by the best of intentions.

We want to protect other people from disappointment, annoyance, and anger. We want to make their lives smoother and easier. It is definitely a feeling of protection – and it’s not helpful, even though that is our intention.

As I look at my own parenting and the parenting of others, I see a lot of protection going on. We don’t want our children to experience crushing feelings of disappointment or failure. However, we aren’t helping our children or any adult by keeping them from facing and managing unpleasant feelings.

In fact, we are viewing them as too weak to handle a difficult situation. We are telling them that we don’t trust their abilities to overcome a challenge and manage their emotions. It’s a terrible message to send.

We are also robbing them of the opportunity to grow emotionally. Each time we overcome a difficult situation, we get stronger and better at it. When the next challenge comes along, we think, “I totally got through something similar before, so I know that I can do it again.” Facing and overcoming challenges builds resilience and confidence. We don’t want to steal those opportunities from people.

One phrase helps me when faced with the urge to protect someone from difficult feelings. In coaching, we consider people to be naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. We trust that every person can face and manage the experiences in their lives. It is true! We are all naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. It’s important that we trust in the ability of others to weather the storms of life and that we have enough courage to stand beside them in those storms.

I’ve volunteered with the Military Child Education Coalition (MCEC), where a team of facilitators would spend a couple of days educating community leaders on the unique challenges that military kids face. The one concept that struck me was how they explained what a military child, or anyone else, needs in order to overcome huge challenges and disappointments.

MCEC says that the adage “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is not always true. A person can experience overwhelming psychological damage if two things are not present during the struggle. Those two things are hope and support. MCEC doesn’t advocate keeping a child from experiencing grief or change; we can’t anyway. They say we must offer hope and support.

That’s what we can offer others when we see that they are facing a situation that creates strong negative feelings. We shouldn’t try and keep them from experiencing disappointment or anger. We want to offer support and hope for a better future.

Seeing someone as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole is a tremendous gift. We show confidence in their abilities to handle life. When we allow people to feel difficult emotions and overcome difficult situations, we are giving them the opportunity to grow stronger and build confidence. What we can do is stand beside them and offer support and hope. Helping someone build resilience is helping them create success in life.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Standing in the Lion’s Roar

23 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#LionsRoar, #psychologicalsafety, #trust, relationships

psych safety lion's roar 550 px

After I read everything I could find on Project Aristotle and psychological safety, I brought the subject up with my therapist. I explained the research and the concept, then went on to say that the whole thing depended on trust. In my mind, people are trustworthy if they are reliable, consistent, and kind. I don’t completely trust someone unless I feel that they have my best interests at heart – that they care about me.

Then I played devil’s advocate a bit but was also voicing my own concerns. I asked, “How can a person ever completely trust another human being?” I mean, we are human, and we make mistakes. We don’t follow through, and we let people down. Sometimes we care about ourselves more than others. Every now and then we get upset and yell. Is it even possible to create psychological safety in relationships?

The therapist then answered with a question that I often ask during leadership workshops. I hate it when my stuff comes back at me. He asked, “Kathy, who can you control?”

“Only me,” I replied with a sigh, but then continued, “I know that, but how can I have psychological safety with other people whom I cannot control who will positively, without a doubt, disappoint me at some time?” Before we go on, I want to point out that I know that I am a flawed human being who disappoints others on occasion.

Then he asked me why a disappointment or word not kept or words said in anger had to destroy trust. Hmmm. Interesting question. It felt like the answer had two parts.

First, I could alter my expectations and standards a bit. Instead of demanding perfection and admirable superhuman behavior 100% of the time, I could accept the fact that people (including me) goof up.

Second, I could use some strength of character to endure disappointments, rude tones, and even yelling with more grace. If I know that people are going to lose their tempers and forget to do things, then I can accept those actions in stride.

When someone is upset and venting in a coaching session, we call it standing in the lion’s roar. As coaches, we stand firm, but without judgment or reactive emotion. We don’t take it personally. Can I do that in my personal life when I am not coaching?

Let’s briefly go back to secrets, which are one of the signs that psychological safety does not exist. Why do I want to hide the fact that I am throwing away supplements or not tell anyone when I get turned around while driving somewhere? I don’t want to face questions, anger, or teasing. Why don’t I? I mean it’s not pleasant, but it’s not life-threatening. I can help create psychological safety with a little grit and courage.

In my supplement scenario, my husband would be justified in some annoyance at my buying and not using supplements. Is there any reason not to allow him to express that annoyance? Why shouldn’t I let him tell me his reaction?

It might not be the reaction that I am predicting anyway! He might see the bottles in the trash and say, “That’s too bad that those didn’t work for you the way that you hoped.” In relationships that matter, both at home and at work, we need to allow others to express their feelings. We need to be brave enough to listen.

The first step in creating psychological safety is building some courage and resilience. Teams at work depend on people expressing differing points of view in order to find the best solutions to challenges. The same is true of every relationship.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Foundation of Trust

16 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

#FiveDysfunctionsofaTeam, #LeadershipRules, #psychologicalsafety, #trust, relationships

psych safety trust 550 px

Psychological safety is the topic that I am dissecting in 2018, and I’m taking it in very small steps because it is a very complex concept. If it doesn’t make sense to you yet, hang in there! All will be revealed.

So far I’ve defined psychological safety here and talked about noticing it in my personal life here. When I’m playing around with a new topic, I like to look at the personal applications first. For me, those are easiest to see and grasp because I’m analyzing familiar situations and people.

However, the concept of psychological safety comes from a study of work teams done by Google called Project Aristotle. Some of Google’s teams were doing better than others, and after years of research they discovered that psychological safety was the main component of the high-performing teams.

Of course, I’ve come across many places that lack psychological safety in my years as a leadership trainer. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen many organizations or teams with psychological safety, which is why this concept intrigues me. It’s obviously not easy to create, or everyone would be doing it.

The best example I’ve seen is in a fictional workplace described in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. The book is in story format and worth looking at as a positive model for creating psychological safety. I highly suggest reading it. It’s been one of the books in my leadership series for a decade.

In the story, Kathryn comes in as CEO of a floundering business. We meet her team at a series of meetings that Kathryn leads. The book never uses the term “psychological safety,” but it is exactly what Kathryn is creating. She encourages disagreement with respect. She calls out one sarcastic team member on her eye rolls at other people’s comments. She creates a safe environment for people to speak their minds and teaches them how to do it in a professional way.

Here is a diagram of the five dysfunctions of a team.

five_dysfunctions pyramid

We will talk about the entire pyramid as we go along, but let’s just look at the foundation first. The success of a highly functioning team is dependent on trust. That makes sense. I don’t feel free to share my ideas with you unless I trust you to listen with an open mind. I must also trust that you won’t belittle me or plot behind my back. A team cannot function well if team members aren’t sharing information and working to achieve team and organizational goals.

There are entire books about trust. It’s also a complex concept. Let’s start simply. First, I don’t trust you if you don’t trust me. Ok, that sounds simple, but it isn’t really. Can you see the chicken and the egg problem that we face? I must trust you before you will trust me. However, I don’t want to trust you until you trust me. Ack!

Fortunately for us all, we humans generally extend a small level of trust to someone when we first meet them. We then have an opportunity to build that trust or destroy it. Creating and maintaining a high level of trust is a difficult thing to do. I trust people who are dependable, who do what they say, who respond reasonably, and who don’t make me feel small or stupid. The people I trust most are consistently reasonable and kind – which doesn’t mean that they must be pushovers. A person can give me developmental feedback that strengthens our relationship if it is done with respect and kindness.

So, if we are all consistently respectful and kind, we can create psychological safety – and maybe world peace. Sounds easy. It would be easy if we weren’t dealing with other humans who have their own fears, beliefs, and bad days. Easier still if we didn’t have our own fears, beliefs, and bad days.

Humans! Our humanity and flaws can really get in the way of creating trust and psychological safety. In my experience, our egos and the need to be right are two of our biggest stumbling blocks to consistent respect and kindness.

So, that’s enough for this week. We know that psychological safety is dependent on trust. The Five Dysfunctions of a Team is an excellent model for creating trust and psychological safety. If those topics interest you, I’d recommend reading the book. It’s a quick read, and we will be discussing it further.

As you go out in the world, analyzing your level of trust is a good exercise. When you interact with people at home, work, or during your volunteer activities, ask yourself if you trust them. Then ask why or why not. What specific behaviors have they done that build or destroy trust? It’s also a good idea to assess whether you believe people trust you. Do they feel free to share ideas and failures with you? What actions have you done that would make those people trust you more or less?

We are defining the first foundational pieces of creating psychological safety. I can hear you thinking, “Some people are not trustworthy, and I could never have psychological safety around them.” I hear it all the time in workshops. One step at a time! First we raise awareness, and then we decide what to do about it. Patience, Padawan! We will get there. And patience is also a trait we are going to need to create psychological safety.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Start With Noticing

09 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#feelfree, #psychologicalsafety, #secrets #noticing

psych safety noticing 550 px

When I start to play with a new idea or concept, I begin by noticing when it shows up in my life and also when it is not present. Psychological safety is my focus for 2018, so I’ve begun to hunt for it in my daily experiences.

It’s important to note that this discussion is just about noticing. I’m not judging or deciding what I should do about it. I’m just noticing. Being able to recognize psychological safety, or its absence, is the first step in mastering and creating it.

I found it easier to come up with examples of when psychological safety is missing. The first example was small and insignificant but a revelation nonetheless. I was clearing supplements out of a cabinet in the kitchen. Some were expired, and others I’d tried and not liked. I was throwing out a lot of bottles. As I was doing it, I thought, “I’m glad that my husband isn’t here to see this.” In my head, I imagined him berating me for wasting money.

There is a lot to analyze here, such as the validity of my assumption in the first place, but let’s stick to noticing. For whatever reason, I didn’t feel free to share the fact that I was tossing out supplements. I was happy to keep it a secret.

The result was an “aha!” moment. If we want to keep something secret because we fear someone’s reaction, psychological safety is not present around that issue in the relationship.

I remembered a friend who told me that she kept her shopping purchases in the trunk and then gradually placed the items out in her home so that her husband wouldn’t notice. She didn’t feel free to tell him about her shopping spree.

Children often try and hide mistakes because they fear the consequences. That made me consider my own past parenting. Had I created a space for my own children where they felt free to admit mistakes? I don’t think that I could give an honest yes on that one. Maybe about some things, but not others, which led to a second revelation: We can feel psychologically safe about some issues or topics in any given relationship but not safe being totally open about others. So we can’t automatically label an entire relationship as psychologically safe or not.

I thought about my own childhood and realized that I did not grow up in a psychologically safe environment. In my family, mistakes were remembered and glorified. When I was learning to read, I pronounced “Winthrop” as “Win-throp.” The pronunciation made sense to a four-year-old because it ended the same way as “hop.” Actually, it’s pronounced “Winthrup” with the emphasis on the first syllable. Any time I made a mistake from that point forward, the family’s response was, “Way to go Win-throp!” As I grew older, I went out of my way to present an impenetrable façade in order to avoid ridicule.

I began to wonder if I was creating a safe space for my friends to share their feelings and actions. I remembered a time when a dear friend casually mentioned something she’d done with a man of whom I did not approve. It dawned on me that she hadn’t told me about it at the time. She must have feared my reaction to her decision. I don’t think I create psychological safety for others all the time.

Wow. I was feeling kind of down. Was psychological safety that illusive for everyone, or just me? I tried to think of a positive example. Finally, I remembered one. I was having lunch with my oldest son right before his wedding. We have very different views on the world, and he brought up one that we definitely don’t agree on. I asked him, “Are you sure you want to talk about this? You know we don’t agree.”

He looked a little surprised and said, “Mom, you and I can talk about anything!” Yes! A moment of confirmed psychological safety. I have to say it made me feel warm and fuzzy when I remembered it. His statement felt like a gift of trust and confidence in our relationship. I felt honored by his response.

From my noticing exercise, I came to two conclusions. First, secrets are a big flashing sign that psychological safety might be missing. Second, feeling free to share is a sure sign of its presence.

I also realized that psychological safety results in a grand feeling of acceptance, confidence, and trust, which confirmed the value of exploring and mastering the topic. I want more of those positive feelings!


If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: My Focus for 2018

02 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

#2018focus, #Google, #LeadershipRules, #powerofgroupnorms, #ProjectAristotle, #psychologicalsafety, relationships

psych safety intro 600 px

At the beginning of each year, I pick one concept or behavior on which to focus. One year I explored and practiced the various pieces and parts of emotional intelligence. Another year I examined compassion and encouragement. This year it is psychological safety. Frankly, as I look back over my life, I have failed at this one in many ways.

I talk about behavior that creates psychological safety in my leadership workshops and writing but have never named it as the reason for the behavior. However, the concept is one that it took Google three years to pin down, so I don’t feel too bad about not seeing it clearly. I am proud that if you take my online class called Boot Camp for New (and Lightly-Trained) Supervisors and do what it says, you create psychological safety for you and your employees without knowing its name.

So, what is psychological safety? Psychological safety exists in a relationship when the people in the relationship feel free to say what’s on their minds or make a mistake. No one fears angry yelling, being made fun of, or people saying mean things behind their backs. There may be consequences for a mistake or an action, but there is no punishment for speaking your mind or taking a risk. The essence of psychological safety for me is the phrase “feels free.”

I first got the name, the handle for this thing, from a friend of mine named George. George is an old PR guy who does an amazing job of keeping up with the current world. He read an article about  Project Aristotle, which is a massive research project done by Google, and insisted that I read it.

Google had studied management and managers and had a list of successful characteristics of leaders, but still there were some teams that outperformed others. Now, everyone at Google is smart and motivated, so you would think that all the teams would do equally well. However, some teams definitely did much better than others, so they decided to figure out why.

It took three years for the research team to figure it out. Their first discovery was that the best teams’ success had something to do with group norms. Then, they worked to determine the exact group norms. In the end, they found that the groups with the highest performance were the ones that had psychological safety.

The leaders of the exceptional groups created an atmosphere of openness and acceptance. The members of the team felt that they could disagree and not be punished for it. An honest disagreement and discussion were acceptable – even encouraged. Taking intelligent risks was also encouraged. The team could try innovative ideas without fear of being belittled or punished.

I see a lack of psychological safety in lots of relationships outside work. I hear people talking all the time about not telling a spouse about a purchase or mistake because they don’t want the hassle of their partner questioning them and making them feel bad. When anyone feels they must hide things or keep secrets for fear of reprisal, there is no psychological safety. I believe most of us feel that way in at least one or two relationships in our lives. The more important the relationship, the more psychological safety is needed.

I, for one, am tired of hiding who I am, what I think, and what I do. This year, I plan to master the communication and leadership skills needed to ensure that I and everyone who I am in a relationship with don’t feel those needs. I think exploring and mastering the creation of psychological safety could be a turning point for me in my life.

I am so grateful to my friend George for insisting that I read the Project Aristotle research. It’s a new lens through which I am choosing to view life. You are welcome to join me – or not. No repercussions here, only psychological safety.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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