Monthly Archives: October 2017

Motivating Self and Others: Intrinsic v. External Motivation

31 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by in Leadership, Motivation, Uncategorized

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Until about 1950, scientists believed that there were two types of motivation: biological and reward/punishment. Biological motivation is driven by our biological needs to eat, sleep, etc. Scientists believed that the only other way to motivate someone was to offer a reward or threaten a punishment. Wow. That isn’t a very enlightened or flattering view of human nature!

In 1949, Harry Harlow was doing behavior experiments with rhesus monkeys. He planned to test the effectiveness of rewards and punishments while the monkeys solved a puzzle. Two weeks before the experiments started, he put the puzzles in with the monkeys so that they would get used to them.

A totally unexpected thing happened. Without rewards or fear of punishment, they solved the puzzles frequently and quickly. They did it because they liked solving the puzzles. Harlow called it intrinsic motivation, and it was a revolutionary theory.

Harlow decided to test the effects of raisins as rewards for finishing the puzzle, and the monkeys did worse! They solved the puzzles more slowly and made more errors. That was mind-blowing to a scientist who believed that rewards always improved performance.

The scientific community refused to believe the new evidence in 1949. Harlow faced opposition and ridicule, so he dropped the topic and moved on to other research.

Another scientist began researching the topic of intrinsic motivation in 1969. Edward Deci did a study with men and women to find out how pay influences the way people work. He split the participants into two groups. Both were asked to solve a challenging puzzle on three different days. One group was never paid for the task. The other group was not paid the first day, was paid the second day, and then was not paid on the third day.

The unpaid group worked longer on the puzzle each day. The second group worked less on the puzzle the third day when not being paid after receiving payment on the second day. Deci concluded, “When money is used as an external reward for some activity, the subjects lose intrinsic interest for the activity.” He found that rewards can create improved performance but that eventually motivation declines. No one expected rewards to have a negative effect.

In workshops, this is the point when people ask, “Does that mean that we should work for free?” The answer is no. We should be paid a motivating wage for the work that we do. The findings do, however, put the matter of bonuses into question.

Through coaching and interacting with others, I’ve concluded that we all crave challenges that we can overcome. Some of us hunt for bargains. Others train for marathons. If you look around, people who are happy are leveraging their intrinsic motivation just like the rhesus monkeys did when they solved the puzzles.

There are several theories that describe the conditions that foster intrinsic motivation. We will talk about a few of them in the coming weeks. In the meantime, what motivates you? Do you have challenges in your life that feel like fun? What makes a challenge fun for you? It’s worth the time to figure out what sorts of things and conditions make us want to take on and solve a challenge because we are happier when we have fun challenges at work, play, or both.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: Ask Yourself This Question First

24 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by in Effective Conflict, Leadership, Uncategorized

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When we find ourselves in a situation that feels like a challenge to our authority or egos, there is one question we can ask ourselves that will save us a lot of headaches and heartaches. I’ve been talking about this quite a bit lately, and it can have a profound impact on our lives and relationships. If we use this question, we can entirely avoid many conflicts. The question is: Does it really matter?

We create conflict when we don’t really need to by insisting on having things our own way. It happens all the time! We are human, and we have egos. We have clear ideas about how things should be done. We like to get our own way – and we don’t always need to.

When my children were in middle school, I felt like I was saying no to them all the time. They wanted more freedom, and I felt like they were always challenging me. Refusing them was my default. It felt like we were butting heads all the time. It was exhausting.

After some coaching and communication training, I decided to say yes unless there was a really good reason to say no. Yes became my default. One of the questions that I asked when deciding on my answer was, “Does it really matter if they do this their own way?”

The answer to long hair and clothes from thrift shops was no; it didn’t really matter. I did have the urge to attach notes to them that said, “I have offered to buy them clothes that are not old and ill-fitting,” but I resisted. They wanted to express themselves, and it didn’t really matter. They weren’t in danger, weren’t putting anyone else in danger, and weren’t being disrespectful or unkind. They were just being them. The result was that we got along much better, and they learned that there were good reasons when I said no.

One year, my husband made a New Year’s resolution to let me have my way. He didn’t tell me what he was doing for a while. A funny thing happened on the way to giving me my way: I started reciprocating. We “gave in” on where to eat dinner, how to slice mushrooms, and how to fold t-shirts. It was the best year ever!

We can create positivity in relationships by giving up control whenever possible. I talk about this concept in my leadership workshops. Does it matter if an employee does a process or procedure a new or different way? If whatever it is will still get done in a timely manner, then let him or her do it in their own way. Autonomy is motivating, and our employees are more enthusiastic and motivated when they get to make some decisions – so are our significant others and friends.

We can create more peace for ourselves and others if we just let everyone else do what they want as often as possible. Ask yourself, “Does it matter?” If the answer is no, pat your ego on the head, tell it everything will be alright, and give some power and autonomy away. It will come back to you in surprising ways.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: Opening a Difficult Dialogue

17 Tuesday Oct 2017

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My coaching clients often identify issues that consistently drain their emotional energy. Many times, the issue involves another person, and the only way to resolve the issue is to have a conversation with that person. Unfortunately, few of us are adept, or even comfortable, beginning conversations that are going to be difficult.

Most of the time, it is a conversation my client dreads, which is totally understandable. Most of us aren’t trained to handle conflict, and we rarely see conflict done well. Every sitcom and reality show on television depends on people handling conflict poorly!

However, we can have productive conversations about disagreements that will actually strengthen our relationships. It takes a little courage if you don’t care for difficult conversations, but the results can be life-changing.

The key is to start the conversation well. This is the Opening of the Conversation Outline. Research shows that if we begin a conversation harshly, it will end harshly more than 90% of the time. The opening is crucial. We want to clearly state what we want to talk about it in a non-confrontational manner.

A harsh startup generally starts with the word “you.” We have a better chance of getting our desired outcome from a conversation if we begin with an I statement.

My first exposure to I statements was when my oldest son was in first grade. He had a very intelligent teacher who taught them all the simplest of I statements: “I don’t like it when you do that. Please stop.”

As adults, our I statements can be a little more elaborate. They contain four parts and begin with “I”:

  1. How we feel.
  2. The event that created the feeling.
  3. The effect that the event has on us.
  4. Statement of a positive alternative event.

It all goes together like this:

I [feel this] when [this happens] because [effect the event has]. [State positive alternative.]

Here are a couple of examples:

“I feel frustrated and annoyed when I am reminded to do my assigned task because I am a professional who takes my responsibilities seriously. I will finish my work without reminders.”

“I feel insulted and hurt when people call me rude names because it makes me feel disrespected. I work better when given constructive feedback in a positive way.”

It’s best to give an I statement as soon as an offending behavior has occurred. However, that isn’t always possible. When hearing our response after the fact, many people respond with incredulity or denial. They deny behaving the way described. When we talk about the event later, it’s a good idea to have the exact circumstances in mind and be ready to share them.

Sometimes, we are giving an I statement about something that happens regularly. If that is the case, be ready to share several examples. Be sure to state them factually and without blame.

Sometimes, we have contributed to the situation in some way. If that is the case, we can help to resolve the issue by admitting to our part in creating it. Maybe we haven’t let everyone know our expectations. Perhaps we’ve been annoyed for a while and haven’t spoken up. It could be that our nonverbals when we are upset provoke others to anger. If we contribute, we want to own it.

Lastly, it’s a good idea to reassure the person that we want to resolve the issue. We want to be sure that they know our intent is to create and maintain a positive relationship. After all, that is the hallmark of a great leader.

Now we go through the rest of the Conversation Outline: Discover and Share > Develop Solutions > Agree > Close. Discover and Share is the most important step. We want to use active listening skills be sure to ask about the fact and feeling parts of the issue. We want to be sure that the other person feels confident that we understand and acknowledge his or her positions, interests, and feelings before we move on to Develop Solutions.

Once we agree on a solution, we want to discuss what we have learned and where we are now in the Agree step. We want to be sure to clearly define who is doing what by when.

In Close, we ask if there is anything else that needs to be said and express gratitude for the person for working through the challenge or issue with us.

When discussing conversations that need to happen with coaching clients, they often tell me that the other person won’t be able to handle the discussion or that talking with him or her won’t help. First, the alternative to not having the conversation is to continue to endure a situation that is causing stress and draining emotional energy. Second, we really don’t know how it will turn out until we try. The other person may get emotional. That’s okay! It is perfectly alright for people to feel strong emotions. We don’t need to protect them from that – or run from it. It takes some courage, but we can witness someone feeling strong emotions. In coaching, we call it standing in the lion’s roar. I love that metaphor.

I want to add one caveat. I find that most people are reasonable human beings who will engage in a productive conversation if given the invitation and circumstances that make them feel safe to engage in a dialogue. Effective conflict involves telling others what we think and feel. We must be a little vulnerable, and most people are willing to do that. However, there are a few mean-spirited people out there whose goal is to cause harm. It isn’t a misunderstanding; it’s an attack. If you can, let those people go.

If you can’t let them go, document every conversation. At work it is especially important to get everything that you can in writing. Send an email summary of the conversation, and ask for the other person to confirm that you understood everything correctly. Whatever the circumstance, do your best to keep the negative meanies from stealing your joy. They are not worth it.

Most of the time, we can improve our lives by easing tension and removing energy drains with some preparation, determination, and courage. Grab some support if you need it, and know that no matter the outcome, the conversation is usually worth it.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Effective Conflict: Simmering Conflicts

10 Tuesday Oct 2017

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We tend to think that yelling and arguing are an intrinsic part of conflict. They certainly can be, despite our best efforts. However, conflict can also be like a low-grade fever – a simmering disagreement that saps our energy and uses vital emotional energy.

When I coach people, I like to start off by eliminating as many energy drains as possible. Energy drains can be clutter, toxic relationships, a leaky toilet, disorganization, work we don’t like, and smoldering disagreements that never burst into flames.

The first step is to identify the simmering conflict. What specifically is bothering you and why? We want to do some soul searching to uncover conflicts that are draining our energy and joy.

Think about your days. When does your stomach clench? When do you feel your shoulders tighten? What tasks do you dread? What people do you wish you could avoid? Why?

As an example, let’s say that I have a friend who calls to complain about her life and never listens to what I have to say. I am irritated before, during, and after our conversations. In this example, it’s a conflict that the other person does not know about. The friend is happy as a clam to unload on me and move on. There is a discussion that I need to have that I am avoiding.

Next, we want to dive into the situation and figure out why it bothers us. In this step, we want to get a clear picture of the issue. Sometimes in thinking about a situation, there is more than one issue to deal with. We want to untangle the threads and focus on the one thing that is going to improve the quality of our lives.

In our example, let’s say that this is a relatively new friendship with a woman named Gertrude. We met at our children’s soccer game. We went out to lunch a couple of times, and then Gertrude began to call to chat. Gradually the chatting turned into complaining. Although Gertrude likes to talk, she does not like to listen. She has a negative view of most people and situations. She is also a victim. Everything is always someone else’s fault.

Generally we are triggered by things that are not in alignment with our values. If I believe that positivity is important, Gertrude is messing with my mental state. If I believe that it’s important to act and change a situation that you do not like, Gertrude’s victimhood is especially annoying.

We can do a cost v. benefit analysis by looking at all the ways that this situation is impacting us and anyone else. There can be positive impacts, and we want to consider those, too.

Here are some questions to ask:

  • How is this issue or situation affecting me?
  • Is the situation affecting others?
  • What results are currently being produced for each of us affected by the situation?
  • What are my emotions when I consider the impact of the situation?

In our example with Gertrude, I spend time dreading her call, suffering through the call, and stewing about the call when it’s done. This relationship is toxic for me in its current form.

It’s taking time away from the other things that I want to accomplish. I am often in a bad mood when I deal with my family. I am resentful and angry. I feel that I am being taken advantage of. It’s a one-sided relationship that doesn’t give me much benefit.

If I think of how it’s affecting Gertrude, I am helping her stay in the same victim mentality by not speaking up. She is upset about something, vents to me, feels better, and moves on without taking any action to improve the situation. I am not helping her.

In addition to considering the costs and benefits, I want to ask myself how I am contributing to this situation. It’s important to really think about what we are doing or not doing to contribute to this issue. If we do a major gut-check, we often can unearth some underlying causes that we own.

In our example, I am not setting proper boundaries with Gertrude, and it’s not healthy for me or her. My contribution has been inaction. I haven’t told Gertrude how I feel so that she has a chance to react or change. I am allowing a one-sided relationship to continue.

So, we’ve determined what we don’t like and don’t want. Now we want to uncover the dream behind the complaint. What do we want?

This is my favorite part. I love dreaming up best-case scenarios! We want to imagine a clear image of what we want and then check in with our emotions about that outcome. Then we want to consider how that outcome will affect others.

In our Gertrude example, I could imagine a life without Gertrude. I could just fade away from her life and become less and less available. It comes down to whether or not I believe that Gertrude’s friendship could be valuable and enjoyable. I need to ask myself if I’d miss her.

I’m going to say that in this made-up world with my made-up friend, I think I want to try and save the relationship. I want to sit down and talk with Gertrude about how I feel. It could make our relationship stronger in the end. We do have some fun times together.

Now that we have a clear picture of the situation and what we want to create, it’s time to take action. In the usual strategic planning way, we want to know who is going to do what by when. We also want to think about obstacles that could get in our way.

I am going to talk with Gertrude. It could be a difficult conversation, but I think that our relationship is worth the risk and the effort. I want to practice what I want to say. An outline for a good way to open the conversation is here. I often role-play with my coaching clients so that they have a chance to practice and clarify their message.

When considering obstacles, I could be the main obstacle – that is, my fear of confrontation. In this made-up scenario, I don’t like it when people get upset. I am going to invite Gertrude to lunch next Thursday, and I will talk with her then.

Whatever action we take must be in alignment with our values. In our example, I am not the kind of person who would distance myself from Gertrude and leave her wondering what happened. That feels icky to me. Although talking with her makes me feel nervous, it also is in alignment with who I want to be.

There you have it! A simple process to help you gain emotional freedom and authenticity! Many energy drains require confrontation and resolution. Sometimes the conflict is with ourselves, but many times it involves addressing a situation that we’d rather avoid. Keep in mind that the short-term discomfort of a tense conversation is much better than a simmering conflict that would drain your energy for the rest of your life.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effect Conflict: What Reality Are You In?

03 Tuesday Oct 2017

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The “Three Levels of Reality” sounds like a great title for a Star Trek episode. However, it is a model that can improve our ability to communicate effectively, handle conflict in a positive way, and motivate others. I learned the concept during my Organization and Relationship System Coaching (ORSC) certification program, and I discuss it in leadership seminars all the time. The three levels are Essence, Dreaming, and Consensus Reality.

Essence level describes feeling and experience before we put it into words. Once we start to describe a feeling or experience, it becomes less accurate because the description depends on words that cannot adequately capture an experience, feeling, or potential.

Once we have named a feeling, experience, or idea, we are in Dream level. There we create different possible outcomes and imagine things that we can then make real.

Consensus Reality is where dreams go when we make them a reality. Consensus Reality is what we all agree is here – chairs, offices, procedures, companies, etc.

Successful groups navigate through the different levels together. A group that stays in Dreaming level can become frustrated because it never DOES anything. On the other hand, if a group jumps straight to Consensus Reality level, they miss a lot of possibilities that happen in brainstorming and exploring in Dream level. Conflict happens when one person is talking about ideas in Dream level and another is talking tangible facts in Consensus Reality. I see this type of conflict often in my coaching.

Some of us are dreamers who like to discuss our ideas out loud. Others are logical people who like to talk about facts; we don’t say something unless we intend to follow through on it. Logical people judge ideas by how reasonable they are. When dreamers and logical people talk about things, conflict and frustration can often arise because they are talking on two different levels of reality.

For example, let’s say a married couple is out for a walk. The husband is a dreamer who likes to talk about ideas and what might be possible. He begins to talk about all of the wonderful things that they could do to remodel and transform their kitchen. Dreamers like to talk about ideas. They usually don’t intend to act on them right away. They get joy from talking about possibilities.

The wife is a logical person and a realist. She knows that they cannot afford to redo the kitchen right now. Besides, it would also create a huge mess, and they have people coming to their home for the holidays. She immediately begins to point out all of these facts. The husband is hurt and angry that she is squashing his ideas and fun. The wife is upset that the husband would consider turning her life upside down right now.

When I work with teams and couples with these two types of people, I explain that they are talking on two different levels of reality. Dreamers like to dream. Unless a dreamer says something three times, he or she probably doesn’t intend to follow through right now.

If the logical person can join in the dreaming, the conversation can be quite fun. I find it helps to have an opening conversation about the Three Levels of Reality. We talk about the levels and how we behave when we are in each level. The logical person is free to join in the dreaming fun once he or she is confident that the conversation isn’t about concrete plans.

If the logical person isn’t sure, he or she can check in and ask, “Are we dreaming?” If the dreamer says yes, then off they go! This one revelation completely transformed the relationship of one couple that I worked with for the better.

Talking about the levels of reality with a person or group is just creating clear communication. Many conflicts are not true disagreements; they are misunderstandings. We don’t ask enough questions and keep an open mind during a conversation. We make assumptions based on our own beliefs, experiences, and personality types.

Once again, I am going to harken back to the Conversation Outline and the Listen and Share step. We can avoid a lot of conflict just by being curious and open-minded. Most people have a logical reason for what they think and believe. We can resolve conflict when we have all of the information that we need. We cannot resolve conflict effectively if we are working from assumptions. We ask questions to determine in which level of reality each person is operating.

After the Listen and Share step is Develop Solutions. It’s the brainstorming step. I think of it as a funnel. In the beginning, there is a lot of dreaming and talking about possibilities. That sort of discussion fosters creativity. Then we begin to talk about those ideas in terms of what is reasonable and feasible. Remember, assuming that our standard for “reasonable” is the same as everyone else’s is a dangerous thing. At every step in a conversation, it’s important to be curious and ask questions. The dreamers and logical people find their common ground during the process of developing solutions.

For a bit of practice, define the level of reality in which you are operating throughout the day. Then, figure out what level other people are in. Conversations across levels usually end in conflict. Skillfully recognizing and steering a group (and yourself) through the different levels improves motivation, creativity, and productivity because it fosters clear communication – which is the foundation of effective conflict.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.