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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: November 2017

Motivating Self and Others: Tips and Tricks

28 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Motivation, Uncategorized

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#tipsandtricks, Motivation

motivation tips and tricks 550px

We’ve discussed the research around motivation. It’s always good to know what has been tested and is reproducible. However, when it comes to motivation, I will do whatever works! Here are some tips and tricks to keep yourself going.

Necessity and Fear. Necessity is the mother of invention, and it’s also a parent to motivation. If it’s mixed with a touch of fear, it’s even more motivating. The car breaking down, a poor lab result on cholesterol, and a visiting relative can all be very motivating in the short-term. We don’t want to live life under threats; it isn’t sustainable. However, necessity and fear can get us unstuck and moving.

Mindset. Too much necessity and fear can be overwhelming. That’s when we need a shift in mindset. Let’s say that we are facing a divorce or a layoff. Fear can be paralyzing. Keep in mind that the only time that we can do something about the situation is now. We only have the current moment to take action. We can ask ourselves, “What one thing could I do right now that would help this situation?” Then do that one thing. Action feels good and can help us get started when taking on huge challenges. It definitely beats sitting and worrying, which don’t help one bit.

Music. When faced with cleaning toilets or dusting, I put on some peppy, upbeat music. I have a playlist called “Putter” for when I’m puttering around the house doing mundane tasks. I dance as I go and get in a little aerobic exercise.

Audiobooks. When my children were young, I cooked a lot of dinners. I truly detest cooking. Seriously, I had to force myself into the kitchen at dinner time. Audiobooks saved my sanity. Maybe listening to books was more of a distraction than a motivation, but it got me in the kitchen and cooking without using every one of the day’s Emotional Pennies.

Podcasts. I am late in joining the podcast party. I am not sure why, but it makes me feel old! There are a bunch of motivational podcasts. I wanted to write that I was going to try one, but none of them resonated with me. Hmmm. Maybe it’s time to start a podcast. I will let you know if I find or create one. Let me know if you find one!

Apps. There are quite a few motivational apps for your phone. One, called Motivation Quotes – Daily Quote, will send you one a day. I use an app called Due. It’s free. I use it to schedule reminders to pop up on my phone throughout the day. Here is my list:

9:03am Engage! This one is to encourage me to stay present and work toward my current goals.

10:10am Accept healing. This is a reminder to slow down, take a breath, and remember that all types of healing are hindered by stress.

2:00pm Have faith. You can do this! So 2:00pm is often when my energy flags. During all-day training sessions, 2:00pm is the lowest point. This is just the encouragement I need because it reminds me of all the times I’ve succeeded before.

5:15pm Looking forward to tomorrow? I read an article about an old woman who was talking about the keys to her longevity. She said she made sure that she had a good reason to get up the next morning every day. This reminds me to question the structure of my life. Have I included things that make me look forward to the next day?

8:08pm Time to count your blessings and accomplishments for today. My intent is to write down three things that I am grateful for each day. This reminder gets me to at least pause and think about them.

It’s easy to schedule the daily reminders. Feel free to use some or all of mine, or create your own.

Ego. We can pull in our egos when it will help us achieve our goals. Let’s say there is a person who does what I do who is not as talented or smart, but who is wildly successful. Her success is due to luck and connections. When I start to slow down on my career goals, I pull her image into my mind and think, “I am better than her, and I am ready to prove it.” Now, this is not a shining example of my love for mankind, but I don’t wish her ill. I just want to do better than she does. Her success is an affront to my sense of fairness. I let my ego out to play when I need a serious kick in the tail. Keep in mind that playing to our ego is different that going out for revenge. Revenge is a poisonous motivator.

Rewards. We know that rewards work. They aren’t ideal long-term strategies, but they can be useful. I tell myself that I can play Plants v. Zombies for 15 minutes if I will work for 45 minutes. It’s a reward that works for me. I have also rewarded myself with flowers and boots when I achieved a goal. I’m even motivated by the reward of stickers on a calendar. Fortunately for me, my reaction to even minor rewards is positive.

I want to mention one ineffective motivator that I see clients using all the time – negative self-talk. Telling ourselves that we are fat slobs who need to go for a walk isn’t effective. We might get up and moving every now and then, but we are breaking our own spirits! Give yourself a pep talk instead and remind yourself of your Big Whys.

If something gets you moving toward a goal and doesn’t make you feel like a loser or a monster, it’s a good motivator. I am all about finding what works and using it to help me achieve my goals. For you, it might be posting a picture by your computer of what you want to achieve or listening to gospel music. Or you can talk to yourself in the mirror like this little girl whom I adore: https://youtu.be/qR3rK0kZFkg

All that matters is that it works for you!


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Motivating Self and Others: It’s a Matter of Heart

21 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Motivation, Uncategorized

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#externalmotivation, #intrinsicmotivation, #priorities, Heart, values

heart v. brain 550 px

We talked about the Elephant as the representation of our heart in the Rider/Elephant/Path model from the book Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard. The Elephant and our hearts are the biggest influencers on our motivation. When I work with coaching clients, it’s pretty easy to find the logical reasons for doing something. It’s also not difficult to set up some accountability structures. However, tapping into the emotional purpose sometimes takes some digging.

First, it can be difficult on our own to find the emotional purpose for an action or task when we are stuck in our own Frame of Reference. Earlier, we talked about asking ourselves why we want to do or accomplish something again and again until we get an answer that resonates with our hearts. Sometimes it’s clear and easy. Other times, it takes some work. A friend who is a good listener can help, but a life coach is trained to ask the questions that will get to your most basic and motivating reason to do something.

If an item has shown up on your New Year’s resolution list more than once, you probably haven’t found a reason to do it that resonates with your heart. I see in my clients that it is a “should.” They feel that they should do it, but they don’t really want to. Usually we work together and find the core need that would be met by accomplishing the goal. Sometimes, they realize that it isn’t their goal in the first place; it’s someone else’s goal for them that they’ve taken on. It’s a “should” that they can forget about.

There are other ways to activate your heart and get it engaged in the process. One way is to identify your values and priorities. A goal isn’t motivating if it isn’t aligned with our values and priorities. It’s worth taking a few minutes to figure those out.

Values are traits and characteristics, like honesty and integrity. Priorities are areas of our lives that are important to us, like family and career. Values usually stay the same throughout our lives. Priorities change as we move through the different phases of our lives.

So when I am looking for reasons to accomplish a goal, I need to make sure that the goal in alignment with my values and current priorities. If it’s not, then I need to rethink the goal. If it is, then I need to know which values and priorities – and why.

I have had “write daily” on my New Year’s resolution list for decades! I wanted to write but didn’t make the time. I was in full-on family mode, and writing felt like something that took some of my time that was so precious back then. I also dealt with my inner critic, who said that I wasn’t a good writer and that there wasn’t a reason to write. I’d never be a successful author, so there wasn’t a point. I also a had an external critic in the house who didn’t like my writing style. I wanted to write but wasn’t motivated enough to do it.

Now it’s different. I have a structure or Path clearly set up. I publish a blog every Tuesday, and a lot of people notice if I don’t. I have to explain to a few coach friends why I missed the deadline.

I also know that writing once a week helps my business by getting my message out in front of people. No one knows what I know unless I tell them. The blog is a basic piece of accelerating my business. Very logical reasons my Rider likes.

However, neither of those things happened for years because I didn’t have the heart for it. Now I do. First, my health isn’t fantastic. I have platinum coils in my brain that give me some weird symptoms like fatigue, dizziness, and an irregular heartbeat. The symptoms come and go, but the important thing about the whole situation is that I’ve been reminded of just how mortal I am.

I had a huge shift in how I view the world. My time is finite. It’s true of all of us, but there is nothing like a near-death experience to bring that fact home. Facing my mortality made me question my effect on the world. Was I leaving it better than I found it? I had a renewed sense of purpose in helping others create the life that made them feel happy and satisfied. I’d seen the positive effects of the skills that I teach on people’s lives.

Then, along came a granddaughter. Someone who owns my heart. I realized that I would be long gone before she became interested in communication, conflict resolution and motivation. I desperately want her to have these skills available. I know that there is hope that she will be interested at some time. Her father and his brother have recently begun to ask me questions about what I teach and coach. They were in their late 20s when they started asking me about the leadership concepts that I teach.

Now, I have my heart reason for writing. It isn’t an academic exercise that catalogues what I know. It’s a legacy for a group of people who I adore. In writing, I leave the wisdom that I have gained for children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren! I know that I will be much more interesting to future generations when I’m dead. I want to leave them something interesting.

Could I have found a motivating reason earlier in my life? Probably. I could have dug in with a coach and figured it out, but I didn’t. The writing goal wasn’t in line with my current priorities of family and working with Army families.

The bottom line is, can you find a reason that motivates you to make achieving your goal a priority? Does it mean enough to you to put it ahead of other tasks that lay claim to your time? If the answer is yes, then you’ve found your heart’s motivation.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Motivating Self and Others: Influence the Rider, Elephant, and Path

14 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Motivation, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #motivatingothers, #motivatingself, #RiderElephantPath, #Switch

rider elephant path cropped

The Rider/Elephant/Path model comes from a book by Dan and Chip Heath called Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard. It is one of the simplest and most useful models for successful change. It is also a useful motivation model.

The logical Rider and the emotional Elephant represent your head and heart. Both must believe the action or task is worth the effort. We must ensure that the action is logical and that it speaks to your heart. Lastly, we want to create a structure to keep yourself on track; the structure is our Path. We create the Path by finding ways to hold ourselves accountable for the action. Let’s go over each part.

Rider. First, we want to convince the logical Rider that this action or task makes sense. We want to do research, listen to experts, and ask others how they handled a similar situation. Our logical Rider must believe that the way we are heading makes sense.

Let’s look at an example. With coaching clients, exercise is often the action that they want to do but can’t seem to stay motivated to do. We start by reminding our logical Rider about the benefits of consistent exercise. We will be stronger, fitter, and healthier. We will have more stamina, more energy, and a more positive outlook on life. There are a lot of logical reasons to exercise regularly!

Elephant. Second, we must motivate our emotional Elephant. The Elephant is not moved by logic; it follows its heart. Your deepest heartfelt motivation will be the reason that your Elephant agrees to move along the path.

Finding the vision that motivates our hearts can take some digging. We talked about one technique here: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2015/01/19/goals-big-why-and-little-hows. We ask ourselves why we want to do this task over and over until we find a reason that really makes our hearts sing.

In the exercise example, I might say that I want to exercise to stay fit. “Why?” I ask myself. “Because I will have more energy and stamina,” I answer. Then I ask myself, “Why do you want more energy and stamina?” My bottom line answer that sings to my heart is that I want enough strength and energy to keep up with my family and swing my granddaughter around. The ability to spend quality time with my family walking and doing useful tasks is my emotional motivation.

As a matter of fact, I recently helped my oldest son and his family move from VA to NJ. In preparation, I worked up to walking two miles a day. (Remember, I have platinum coils in my brain, and two miles is a good goal for me.) I got up every morning and walked. I also did some abdominal exercises so that my back would be less likely to go out. (Remember, I am old!) Every time I wanted to slack off, I reminded myself that my family was depending on me, and I wanted to be a part of the activity. When done together, hard jobs can strengthen relationships and create memories that are funny in retrospect. All things that my heart wanted.

Keep in mind that the small Rider cannot force the Elephant to go a certain direction. We cannot be motivated by logic alone. We must feel in our hearts that the change is worth the effort.

Path. Lastly, we want to create a structure for our Path. We want to clearly mark the Path and maybe put some walls on each side to help our Rider and Elephant stay on it. Accountability partners and coaches are excellent examples of how to create a clear path for the Rider and Elephant to follow.

In my exercise example, a walking buddy would help me stay on the Path. A calendar with stickers offers a little structure. Publicly stating goals and progress is an excellent way to create walls to keep us on the Path.

If we can’t find reasons for our actions that resonate with our brains and hearts, maybe we need to rethink the goal. We can only use our self-discipline to force ourselves forward for so long. It’s an exhausting way to live.

However, we can stay motivated if we can find ways to get our brains and hearts engaged and supportive of our actions. We help all parts of ourselves to stay motivated when we create a clear path that uses accountability and consequences to keep us on track. The Rider/Elephant/Path model is an easy way to create success.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Motivating Self and Others: What Motivates Us?

07 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Motivation, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

#autonomy, #DanPink, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #mastery, #purpose, Motivation

Pink autonomy mastery purpose 550 px

There are almost as many theories of what motivates us humans as there are stars in the sky. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. However, look at the Wikipedia article on Motivation to get a small glimpse into the world of motivation theories.

I’ve read a bunch of them, and I find few of them memorable or useful. I think David McClelland’s popular theory is a little disheartening. He states that we are motivated by a need for power, affiliation, and achievement. Those don’t feel motivating to me, but maybe I am not in touch with my inner power-hungry self.

The theory that I like best is Dan Pink’s in the book Drive. He states that we can foster intrinsic motivation through autonomy, mastery, and purpose. These are simple and make sense to me.

Let’s start with autonomy. We all like to do things our own way. I use a cool demonstration with a dog leash to illustrate how much more we struggle against authority when the leash is short and we aren’t given a lot of freedom. It’s not any fun to follow someone else’s procedure to the letter.

I, for one, like to be able to show some creativity that plays to my own strengths and interests. Otherwise, I feel like a robot. Henry Ford did not understand this concept. He asked, “Why is it every time I ask for a pair of hands, they come with a brain attached?” Not. Interested. If you want to motivate me, you let me engage my brain and my hands.

I totally get mastery. When I take on a new task or action, I will do it over and over again until I have mastered it. The rhesus monkeys in Harlow’s experiment that we discussed last week are a good example. I still have the wooden Soma cube that I spent hours figuring out as a child. Every now and then, I will pull it apart and put it back together just because I can and want to. I have mastered it, and it feels good to solve it.

The final piece is purpose. It’s a big one! We started out the year setting goals and finding our Big Why as described by Simon Sinek in his book Start with Why. I have published a blog every week this year because I have a sense of purpose in creating and completing them. My granddaughter is one year old. I will be long gone before she is old enough to be interested in the concepts that I teach and discuss.

That thought saddens me because I know how useful leadership concepts are in creating positive relationships and a successful and peace-filled life. I desperately want her to have this information. The only way I see it happening is if I take everything that is in my head and put it on paper. This year is a sort of love letter to my granddaughter, any future grandchildren, and to you! It feels like a legacy – which is very motivating.

When trying to get someone else to do something, it’s a good idea to create autonomy, mastery, and purpose for the person doing the task or action. What can you do to give someone more control over the task? Does the thing have to be done a certain way, or is there some wiggle room for the person to do it his or her own way? Does the person have the opportunity to master the task? Is the purpose of the task clear to the person performing it? We can help others by creating Pink’s three conditions as often and as much as possible.

It’s also worth using Pink’s three motivating conditions to evaluate our own lives. Can you use one or more of them to motivate yourself? If you aren’t motivated to do something, why are you doing it? I don’t mean that in a “you should stop doing it” sense, although that could be the answer. However, many times we must get through something hard to reach an ultimate goal. We can find ways to motivate ourselves using autonomy, mastery, and purpose. Purpose is always the ultimate motivator for me. If I can find a way that an action helps me to achieve my goals, then I can power through it.

We can make life easier if we are willing to create a motivating environment by fostering autonomy, mastery, and purpose for ourselves and others.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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