Monthly Archives: August 2018

Question everything!

28 Tuesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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It’s dangerous for leaders to accept assumptions as fact. Heck! We miss a lot if we don’t question things presented as absolute truth.

I realized that even conventional wisdom deserves to be questioned back in 1988 when my first child was born in Germany. American baby books insisted that submerging a baby in water before the umbilical cord came off could cause grave health effects. However, the German nurse dunked my son in a tub of water the day after he was born. I gasped!

She turned and asked me what was wrong. I explained that Americans don’t submerge babies until the umbilical cord falls off. She cocked an eyebrow at me and asked how we kept the umbilical cord clean. I told her that we swabbed it with alcohol – and she gasped. She said incredulously, “You put alcohol on babies?”

Hmmm. Two countries full of people with normal belly buttons – each insisting that their way was the only right way! Now, when someone tells me that something “has” to be done a certain way, I cock an eyebrow and say, “Are you sure?”

“Because it’s always been done this way” is a sure cue that it’s time to look around for other ideas, and so is “That can’t be done.” I’ve heard my share of both of those phrases. On one Army post, the hunting area bordered the playground. Disoriented bow hunters often came out of the woods and onto the play area. I went to talk with someone about it, and he said, “Mrs. Torrey, it’s always been that way.”

Hmmm. That doesn’t necessarily make it a good idea. I told him as much and finished with, “Now that I have brought it to your attention, it is your responsibility if a child is hurt or killed.” He decided that the way it had always been done needn’t continue, and they backed up the borders of the hunting areas.

Great leaders are creative thinkers! They don’t get stuck in thinking ruts walked by millions of others. They try to see everything from fresh perspectives. They also don’t accept the status quo. If it’s not a good idea, it’s not a good idea no matter how long it’s been around.

As leaders, it’s important that we look at work and home life in new ways and ask ourselves some questions. What assumptions are we making about people and situations? If we don’t know something for a fact, then let’s get out there and question it. Let’s question everything! It’s the perspective of great leaders.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

Cancel that order!

21 Tuesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Resilience, Uncategorized

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My sister and I talked about a way to change thought patterns a while back. It’s a technique that I made up called Cancel that order! I talk about it at the beginning of my leadership series as a part of our emotional intelligence discussion. I was pleasantly surprised when my sister told me about using Cancel that order! and how it was helping her, her friends, my nephew, and his friends.

One of her friends called to chat while I was there, and she brought up Cancel that order! without any prompting from me. She said that none of that “positive thinking crap” worked for her but that Cancel that order! had helped her think more positively and also to gain more confidence.

Wow! It was humbling and fabulous feedback. I am so gratified when my coaching stuff really impacts people’s lives. However, the first person that I developed the technique for was me.

My mom was a worrier. She worried about money, her first grade students, and anyone driving. For a long time, I was a worrier, too.

Then I realized a couple of things. First, worrying about what may or may not happen is a huge emotional energy drain. Second, my worrying did not improve anyone’s chances of success or survival.

Worrying and negative self-talk are habits just like any other habit. We can change them with some effort. I designed a mental game to help me change my worrying ways. I pretended that every thought was a request for something that I wanted. When I thought about something, I was placing an order for it.

When I thought, “I am not going to have enough money this month,” I was placing an order for that to happen. Immediately I would think or say out loud, “Cancel that order!” Then I would replace the order with a new one: “I have plenty of money to make it through the month.”

The fancy, technical term for this is cognitive restructuring. Cognitive restructuring sounds like a hard and technical concept, but it’s not. It’s simply creating new thought habits and intentionally changing the way we think. It’s very powerful.

It isn’t always easy, but we can change our thinking patterns. Any time you catch yourself worrying and creating a worst-case scenario in your head, cancel that order! I actually clap my hands together when I am cancelling an order. Replace the negative thought with a thought about something that you want to happen or with an affirmation. Creating a positive internal dialogue makes life way less stressful.

Cancel that order! is very effective in dealing with negative self-talk. Pay attention to your thoughts. Anytime you hear yourself thinking that you aren’t enough in some way, cancel that order! If you walk to the closet thinking, “I don’t look good in any of my pants,” cancel that order! Replace it with what you want: “I look good in anything I put on.”

Changing our thoughts can’t magically change our reality. However, our reality will never change until we change our thoughts and beliefs. Cancel that order! is the first step in creating the life and environment that you desire.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

 

I Love Past Kathy!

14 Tuesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Uncategorized, Words of Wisdom

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As I move through life, I am often grateful to Past Kathy for setting me up for success. She puts my keys where they belong so I can find them. She replaces the toilet paper so I don’t get stuck with none. She even sits down to write a draft for a blog when she doesn’t want to. She does those things because she wants life to be easier for Future Kathy.

It reminds me of a Frog and Toad story, from the children’s series written by Arnold Lobel. In the story “Tomorrow”, which is in the book Days with Frog and Toad, Toad’s house is messy and he doesn’t want to clean it. It’s too overwhelming. I get it. I’ve been there. He says, “Today I will take life easy.” Frog points out all the things that need to be done, and Toad says, “I will do it all tomorrow.”

Then Toad is depressed because tomorrow is going to be so horrible. He can’t enjoy the day because all the tasks are looming tomorrow. Then Toad realizes that if he does one thing now, it’s something that he won’t have to do tomorrow. In the end, he does it all, convincing himself one task at a time to scrub the windows, dust, wash the dishes, etc. He is helping Future Toad!

Life is so much easier if we are constantly setting ourselves up for success. Small things like keeping belongings organized and put in the correct place lays an excellent foundation for ease in life. Big things like researching retirement vehicles and reading books for professional development help long-term goals get accomplished. Both require small actions that we can take to help our future selves live an easier and more successful life.

Of course, I am both Past Kathy and Future Kathy. If you want to be accurate, Present Kathy is really the one doing the work. In reality, Present Kathy does work that Future Kathy appreciates and for which Past Kathy gets the credit – and everyone is happy. It’s okay because we share the same goal of creating success that we all can enjoy. Talk about unanimity around a shared vision! There is a lot of power there.

We want to have goals and know the direction in which our desired future lies. However, goals are useless if we do nothing to achieve them. We must move every day, even if we don’t want to. Our Future Selves will thank us. Our Past Selves will seem like geniuses. In truth, it starts in the present. As always, the moment to seize is this one.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

 

Spending Emotional Pennies Wisely

07 Tuesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Mindfulness, Resilience, Uncategorized

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Quite a few people have recently told me that tracking Emotional Pennies has been a life changer for them. Below is a blog that I wrote about Emotional Pennies back in 2015. The concept is so powerful that I want to make sure that as many people as possible have a chance to use it to transform their perspectives and lives.

For those of us familiar with the concept, it’s a good reminder to check in on our Emotional Penny use. It’s a good idea to check in every now and then to be sure that we are being intentional in the use of our Emotional Pennies.

We usually think about time as the limiting resource each day. We never seem to have enough time! However, we can use the time that we have more effectively if we learn to manage another valuable and limited resource – emotional energy. How many times do you fall into the overstuffed chair at the end of the day and spend precious moments watching whatever is on TV because you feel too tired to do anything else?

We only have so much of ourselves to give each day. Think of the emotional energy that you spend each day as Emotional Pennies. Imagine that you start each day with 100 Emotional Pennies. You can’t carry any over to the next day, and the goal is to end up with as many Emotional Pennies as possible at the end of each day. The more pennies you have at the end of the day, the more energy you will have to enjoy your evenings.

Some common things that we all spend emotional energy on are work, family, health, other people’s problems, spirituality, friends, and things over which we have no control. Your list may not have all of these items and probably has quite a few more. Which of these are wise investments, and which are wastes of our Emotional Pennies?

A totally silly way to spend Emotional Pennies is on things over which we have no control. My personal pet peeve is when someone gets angry and cross when his or her favorite professional team loses. Tying your sense of well-being and happiness to a group of people you do not know and over whom you have no control seems about as absurd a being angry over which direction the wind is coming from.

The first step in limiting our unnecessary expenditures of emotional energy is to pay attention to how we are spending our Emotional Pennies. In everyday life, we want to invest our emotional energy in things we enjoy, people we love, and situations that we can change for the better. A good test question to ask is: “If I face this situation and invest some emotional energy into it, can I resolve it so that I never have to put another Emotional Penny into it again?” If the answer is yes, go for it! Break off the relationship, improve the situation, and/or release that old resentment!

As a general rule, you want to avoid any situation that constantly drains your emotional energy with no hope of the situation improving or resolving. However, sometimes you have to invest a bit before you figure out that you are facing a lost cause.

For example, we tried to work with the school to make it a safe and healthy environment for our youngest son, Andrew, when he was in 7th grade. He had asthma at that time and was allergic to dogs. There was a helping animal in the school for one of the other students. I spent tons of Emotional Pennies at the school talking to the principal, guidance counselor, assistant principal, and teachers. I could not get them to keep the dog and Andrew apart.

It took me awhile, but I finally realized that I couldn’t change the situation. My options were to continue spending almost all of my 100 pennies at the school each day or to get us all out of that particular situation. In the end, I homeschooled Andrew for the rest of that school year, and none of us ever regretted leaving that penny-sucking, black hole behind.

Emotional Pennies are a great tool to help us put the moments of our day to best use. We can dramatically improve the quality of our lives by spending our Emotional Pennies with intention. By spending on things that give us a return investment in love, support, and satisfaction, we can create a life that doesn’t exhaust us.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

 

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

 

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays