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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: August 2017

Effective Conflict: How do you feel about conflict?

29 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Effective Conflict, Uncategorized

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Tags

#Communication, #effectiveconflict #conflictresolution #positive disagreements

fingernail on chalk board 550 px

When I do Effective Conflict workshops, I start by having everyone determine how they personally feel about conflict. I put my water bottle in the middle of the floor and tell the group that the bottle represents conflict. Then, I ask them to stand close to the bottle if they are comfortable with conflict and far away if they do not like any form of conflict. People will move to various places around the room in relation to conflict (i.e., the water bottle). It’s important to start by knowing our own feelings about conflict.

Something interesting happened the first couple of times that I did this exercise. After I gave the instructions and people were milling around to determine where they wanted to stand, someone asked, “Do you mean conflict at work or at home?” I wasn’t expecting that question; I had assumed that people felt a certain way about conflict all the time. That was an incorrect assumption!

As it turns out, most people in my workshops have very different feelings about conflict at work than they do about conflict at home. There doesn’t seem to be an overarching pattern to the difference. For example, one person may be more comfortable with conflict at home, and someone else more comfortable with conflict at work. It varies by personality and situation, but there is usually a difference.

Whether at work or home, the first piece of dealing with conflict effectively is knowing how we feel about conflict in general. Our feelings set the tone for the discussion. If we really don’t like conflict, we might avoid it or try to get it over with in a hurry. Neither of these is particularly useful when dealing with differences of opinion.

The other important piece of dealing with conflict effectively is knowing that conflict is not a bad thing! When I ask workshop participants what color conflict is, they usually answer “red” or “black.” When I ask what conflict sounds like, people say things like “nails on a chalkboard” or “a freight train coming at you.” Wow! Those are horrible, stressful sounds!

It’s useful to think of conflict as just discussing a difference of opinion or perspective. Granted, we can get pretty wrapped up and emotional about our views, but we want to step back and look at conflict as an opportunity to learn something new about ourselves, other people, and a particular situation. If handled well, conflict can result in more positivity in a relationship, not less.

The fundamental pieces of effective conflict are knowing our own feelings about conflict and adjusting our perspective to a more positive view of disagreements. After all, deciding where we want to go to lunch is resolving a conflict. We will talk about specific tools, techniques, and the various levels of conflict as we continue this topic, but let’s begin by checking in with our feelings and perspectives when faced with a conflict – big, small, at home, or at work.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Let’s Talk: Choosing Your Mindset

22 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Uncategorized

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Tags

#Communication, #conversation, #mindset, #perspective

romantic mindset 550 px

One of the biggest influences on the success of a conversation is the mindset that you bring into it. People can immediately tell what attitude that we bring into the room with us. In systems coaching, we call it creating the Emotional Field. When you are talking to someone, there is always an atmosphere or container that surrounds the conversation. Our greatest success will come with intentionally creating an Emotional Field that supports the topic and people involved.

The Emotional Field is created by the feelings and intentions that you bring into the conversation. For example, when I am facilitating a workshop in-person, I intentionally bring in some fun and curiosity. Light-hearted learning is easier and more enjoyable. Also, I want to make sure that I am willing to learn from the participants. If I’m not willing to learn from them, then they will likely not be willing to learn from me.

I also intentionally bring in the intention to be flexible and spontaneous.  If the group begins to talk about something a bit off-topic that interests them, then I will follow that discussion. I’m willing to follow the group’s lead for a while.

A different facilitator might come in with seriousness and an intention to cover the material strictly as outlined. Participants’ experiences with that facilitator are going to be completely different than their experiences with me — even if we both use the exact same outline. We influence the experience and the outcome with the Emotional Field that we create.

I really can’t overstate the power of intentionally creating an atmosphere for a conversation. Let’s say that I’m going into a coaching situation in a workplace. I know that the person I’m going to talk with really does not receive feedback well. I am going to take their resistance to feedback into account and make sure that I bring some patience and understanding into the discussion. I want to create an Emotional Field that will help the employee hear the feedback and not feel threatened. If I come in with an adversarial attitude or a “let’s get this over with” mentality, I am not supporting a positive outcome for that conversation.

In most conversations, it’s useful to be willing to hear and consider different views and perspectives — bringing open-mindedness into the Emotional Field. Being defensive or combative rarely leads to a positive outcome. It’s important to remember that listening for understanding does not require us to then agree.

Likewise, different situations generally call for different mindsets. If you want romance, go with soft music, lighting, and tone of voice. If you want to party, play loud music and have high energy. Your chance of getting the outcome that you want is greatly increased if you bring in the appropriate qualities that fit the message and the outcome that you’re trying to get.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Let’s Talk: Conversation Outline

15 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Uncategorized

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Tags

#Communication, #conversationoutline, #positiveoutcome

Conversation outline 4

It took me a while to appreciate the power and beauty of this conversation outline. At first I thought that having a structure for a discussion was unnecessary. Boy, was I wrong! This guide keeps the conversation on track, ensures everyone has input, creates more options, and fosters positive relationships. Impressive!

Open. We open a conversation simply by stating what we are going to talk about. It helps the conversation stay on track.

Discover and Share. This is the most important step in a conversation. We often skip this step and move straight to positional arguing about the best thing to do.

In Discover and Share, we take time to listen fully by being completely present and listening for understanding. We pay attention to the words being said, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. We are curious about everything and ask a lot of questions.

Giving focused attention to someone is a gift. We don’t often feel like we are in the spotlight of someone’s attention, even though we like being seen and heard.

Finding out how the other person or people view the situation creates more possible solutions and helps to maintain positive relationships. We also share our perspectives and feelings during this step.

Develop Solutions. Once we have all the facts and feelings on the table, brainstorming begins. I see it as a funnel that begins with a wide variety of options and slowly narrows down to the best choice. During this phase, it’s important to continually ask what is best for the people involved in the decision – whether that is a couple, a team, a family, or an organization.

Agree. If we’ve done a good job during Discover and Share, it’s easier to come to an agreement.

Close. We check to make sure everyone is on board and explicitly state the agreement. It’s also a good time to check in one last time on how everyone is feeling about the agreement.

When having a conversation, focus on the Discover and Share step of the conversation. The other steps happen naturally and don’t need as much emphasis. The information needed to resolve conflicts never comes to light if we jump straight to developing solutions without fully listening and understanding each person’s perspective and feelings. It’s totally worth the time that it takes to be sure each person feels listened to, understood, and respected.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Let’s Talk: Facts and Feelings

08 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Uncategorized

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#Communication, #factandfeeling, #LetsTalk, #listenfully

celebrate

Here is an important and life-altering piece of information: Every message and every situation have both a fact part and a feeling part. To communicate effectively, we must acknowledge both parts. I learned this lesson late in life, and it would have saved me some time and trouble if I’d known about it sooner.

For 20 years, I led volunteers as an Army spouse. In one group that met monthly, there was one young woman who always sat at my right hand and objected to everything that the group proposed. She objected on a factual level – logistics, budget, convenience, etc. She slowed us down every single month.

If I’d been savvier, I would have figured out that it wasn’t the facts that she objected to. I had a vague notion that she was unhappy or resentful, but I had no idea why. She was experiencing some feeling that I wasn’t dealing with at that time. If I’d asked and listened, I could have saved us a lot of time arguing over facts for no good reason.

In my leadership workshops, I have people work in pairs to practice recognizing the feeling part of a message. One person talks about something that arouses strong feelings for him or her. The other person listens and then comments on the facts and feelings that he or she hears. For example, the listening partner might say, “It sounds like [fact part] really frustrates you” or “Wow, [fact part] really makes you happy.”

The reactions of the speaking partners are revelatory. They say that they feel heard and understood. As humans, our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. Telling someone the emotions you sense that they are feeling powerfully meets those needs.

Don’t worry about getting the emotion wrong. I’ve never seen anyone get upset. The usual response is a pensive “No, I feel more …” The process helps them to become more aware of their emotions.

You can also just ask! Is your pre-teen refusing to wash dishes? If so, then ask how he or she feels about washing the dishes. If a coworker consistently objects to following a procedure, find out why. Don’t accept factual responses. What feelings does he or she have about the procedure?

The answers are usually surprising – something that you wouldn’t have guessed. The only way to move forward in any situation is to reveal and deal with both the fact and feeling parts.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Let’s Talk: Different Types of Communication

01 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Uncategorized

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Tags

#clearcommunication, #nonverbalcommunication, #positiverelationships, #symboliccommunication, PositiveEffectLeadership

Symbolic Communication 550 px

Good communication with ourselves and others is a fundamental piece of a successful life. In coaching and in leadership workshops, communication is the most challenging topic; it’s also one that’s easy to work on. We can get better at getting our point across.

Back in 1972, Professor Albert Mehrabian said that our message is 7% words, 38% voice, and 54% body language. The only important thing to remember here is that our nonverbal communication has a huge influence on our message.

Nonverbal communication includes facial expression, tone of voice, and body language. If I say “I am so glad to be here” in a sarcastic tone while rolling my eyes and looking at my watch, you won’t believe my words. That’s so interesting! If the nonverbal and verbal messages are not aligned, then we go with the nonverbal message! Our words have no meaning when the nonverbal message contradicts them!

We want to be careful with the words that we use; however, we also need to pay close attention to our nonverbal messages. Crossed arms and stern looks can make us appear unapproachable or judgmental. If we deliver bad news while smiling, we send a very confusing message. It’s important that we intentionally align our verbal and nonverbal messages.

There is a third way that we communicate other than verbally and nonverbally; it is symbolic. We do a whole lot of communicating symbolically with our clothes, jewelry, shoes, hairstyles, backpacks, water bottles, fingernails, cars, and even our homes. We are telling the world something about ourselves with every symbolic choice that we make.

It’s important that our symbolic messages are intentional and appropriate. We cannot ignore the fact that we tell people about our commitment to a job with our clothes. If I show up to work in wrinkled clothes with my shirt untucked and hair that looks like I just tumbled out of bed, then I am sending the message that I’m not professional and don’t take my job seriously. That message might not be entirely true, but it’s still the message that I’m sending.

It’s also a good idea to pay attention to how your things (e.g., clothes, jewelry, bags) make you feel. You even send symbolic messages to yourself.

Speaking of talking to yourself, we all have a little voice in our head. How that voice talks to us can make a huge impact on our confidence and self-esteem. Negative self-talk can be a very destructive force. There are some things that we can do to improve the way we talk to ourselves.

Begin by asking yourself if you would talk that way to a friend. Would you say, “You are stupid and incompetent!” to someone you care about? Of course not! If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, then don’t say it to yourself.

Studies have shown that talking to yourself using “you” or your name as if talking to a friend increases confidence, performance, and anxiety. For example, instead of “I can do this!”, I say, “Kathy, you can do this!” It’s an easy shift to make. No one knows exactly why this works, but it does, so let’s run with it.

Talking to ourselves as we would to a friend and using “you” and our names help to put us in an observer role, which is another way to battle negative self-talk. In one study, psychologists had people stand in the mirror and comment on themselves. If a person said, “I am a fat blob with a jiggly belly,” the researchers would ask them to state factual information as an observer. The participant could say, “I have a round abdomen.” Observing factually leads to action more often than negative self-talk does.

Lastly, we can name our inner voice. In coaching, we call it a Gremlin, and it seems intent on sabotaging our efforts. Many times, our Gremlins are trying to keep us safe. My Gremlin might say, “Don’t put in a proposal for that job. You won’t get it, anyway.” It’s trying to save me the pain and disappointment that I would experience if I didn’t get it. I can tell my Gremlin, “Thanks! I know you are trying to save me some emotional pain and disappointment, but I’ve got this! If I don’t get it, it will be OK.”

The first step in communicating is becoming aware of the different ways that we send messages to ourselves and others. The second step is to be intentional in the message and the way that we deliver it. This perspective gives “Watch your language!” a whole new meaning.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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