Tag Archives: #positiverelationships

Positional Power v. Personal Influence

18 Tuesday Dec 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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There is a simple motivational model called the Carrot and the Stick. It’s a metaphor. Imagine you are sitting on a wagon that is being pulled by a horse. If you want a stubborn horse to go forward, you can hit it with a stick. This is negative motivation, and it is fear of being beaten that motivates the horse. You could take a longer stick, tie a carrot to it, and put it out in front of the horse. The horse will move forward to try and get the reward. This is positive motivation. For the long term, you get better results from people by using positive motivation techniques – carrots.

Supervisors’ authority that comes from a job title is positional power. As supervisors, we can do things like putting people in for certain awards (i.e., give them carrots), and we have official ways to discipline people (i.e., use a stick to motivate). Positional power is important, but it isn’t what we want to use all the time because it’s only effective when we are with or near the employee. However, when we leave the area, the employee is no longer motivated. In fact, they will probably not work hard and will see what they can get away with. Using positional authority is a last resort.

On a daily basis, we want to use personal influence because it is more motivating and effective. We create personal influence by building positive relationships. Our employees will continue to work when we aren’t present if we have a relationship built on respect and trust. The main focus of the first section of the course is how to cultivate that personal influence.

One of the first steps is to define the qualities and abilities of an exceptional leader. In the workshops, the list created by participants usually includes knowledgeable, compassionate, confident, creative, approachable, humble, honest, trustworthy, trusting, big-picture thinker, motivating, inspiring, constant learner, consistent, and integrity.

In addition, there are two more qualities to highlight. Frontline employees always list two things right up front: listens and is fair. When we pay attention to people when they talk, it’s called active listening. When we practice active listening, we are letting people know that they are worth our time, that they are valuable. Listening with the intent to understand the other person’s point of view helps to build positive, trusting relationships. When discussing “fair,”  most employees mean not showing any favoritism.

It’s important to know that people usually don’t quit their jobs, they quit their bosses. As supervisors, we don’t want to run people off with a negative attitude. Turnover is expensive for an organization. The statistics vary between 50-90% of an employee’s annual salary. If at all possible, we want to keep people working for us and make them successful.

As supervisors, we have an enormous influence over the people who work for us. We can create a pleasant and supportive environment that makes people want to come to work or a negative, fear-filled environment that employees resent and want to escape. We affect the quality of our employees’ lives at work and at home because people carry their dissatisfaction with work to their homes.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

“Shoulding” on Others

12 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by in #Communication, Leadership, Uncategorized

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The topic of telling other people what they ought to be doing has come up several times recently. In coaching, we call it “shoulding” on people. Shoulding can actually include the word “should.” For example, I might say, “You should get a haircut” or “You should buy that neon purple shirt.” I can up the ante and make myself really annoying if I point a finger at you while I tell you what you should be doing. Irritating, right?

It can still be shoulding without using the word. For example, I could say, “The only way to peel an orange is in strips, top to bottom” or “Burping loudly is always what works best.” I’m not using the word “should,” but I’m still telling you what you ought to be doing.

I have never coached a person who appreciated being told what he or she “should” do. Honestly, do you like it? I don’t! So why do we insist on doing it to others? I am not entirely sure, but I have a guess.

Most of us like things done a certain way. Of course, the right way is my way – in case you were wondering. In my head, I am not thinking, “It’s important that you do this my way.” The internal dialogue is more along the lines of “This is what would be best for you.” There is a true desire to help, but it is underpinned by a belief that I truly know what is best for you. In fact, that is seldom the case.

It’s important for us all to know and keep in mind that each one of us is an expert on ourselves. We know the best solutions to our own challenges. Our solutions fit with our values, priorities, and strengths. My solution for you is based on my values, priorities, and strengths. It might be a terrible thing for you to do.

We may not always know right off the bat what the best solution is. However, people telling us what we should do does not help. What does help is someone asking us questions. Curious questions about what is going on and what’s important are the most helpful.

When I tell people that I am a life coach, they often ask, “How do you know what to tell people to do?” Hmmm. They don’t understand coaching. I know that each of my clients is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. They may be stuck or confused, but they are capable of creating their own solutions. A good life coach doesn’t tell people what to do. When I’m coaching, I repeat over and over in my head the phrase “Coach the person, not the problem.” Once I start solving my clients’ problems, I am shoulding on them.

Generally, we should on people because we genuinely want what’s best for them. It’s important to know that: [drum roll] We have no idea what is best for them! Each of us is the best creator of our own solutions.

For clients with shoulding challenges, I encourage them to ask at least three questions before offering a suggestion. Many times the problem is solved during the questions, and providing solutions is averted. Questions that begin with, “Don’t you think it would be a good idea if…” absolutely do not count.

What do we do when someone is shoulding on us? We have options. I have several friends who are shoulders. (Ha! In my head, it’s pronounced shooders! But it’s really shoulders – like by your neck. I love words.) One tells me when it’s clear to pull out when I’m driving. Another tells me exactly what I need to do for marketing messages. Another is very smart – a renaissance woman, and not matter what the topic, she knows what I should do.

For the most part, I’ve just decided not to let their barrage of solutions bother me. They are helping in their own way. I’m like a teenager; I nod my head like I’m agreeing but do whatever I dang well please. The important thing is that I can do this and not get riled up in the least.

Often people aren’t aware of what they are doing. I went on vacation with a fellow coach, and she said something about not shoulding on people. I said, “Are you serious? You should on me all the time!” From that point forward, she would tell me what I ought to do, pause, and then say, “I did it again, didn’t I?” Awareness is the first step for everyone!

When I start to get riled up, it’s time to set some gentle boundaries. It’s usually general. I will say something like, “I appreciate you wanting to help, but I’ve got this.” Even when I tire of being told what to do, I still remember that their intentions are good.

We can also tell people what they should have done in the past. That action is particularly destructive to a relationship. First, we can’t really go back and do it differently. What’s done is done. Second, it’s not helpful. The person who tells you what you should have done in the past is not trying to help you and does not have your best interests at heart. It’s a blame game. A play to make you feel guilty. Distance yourself as much as possible from people who should you about the past.

If it’s a relationship that you want to save, gently ask why they are bringing this up. Also ask in a genuine tone what they want you to do. The answer is often “I don’t know.” Sometimes, it’s just an act of frustration. It’s best to bring it into everyone’s awareness and find out what the root motivation is.

The only exception that I can think of is if the analysis of past behavior is an evaluation that will help change future behavior to create success. Still, you rarely hear an exceptional leader say, “Well, you really should have done that differently.” A more appropriate statement would be, “Let’s look at how you could have gotten a different outcome.”

Here are the points to remember:

  1. People who tell us what we should do are generally trying to help.
  2. We are not helping when we tell others what they should do.
  3. Ask at least three questions before beginning to provide solutions.
  4. Telling people what they should have done in the past is really not helpful and can be damaging to the relationship.
  5. It’s only useful to talk about the past in terms of learning from it. Take the lesson and move on.

Next time we will talk about the common practice of shoulding on ourselves.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: How to Create It

17 Tuesday Apr 2018

Posted by in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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We’ve examined many aspects of psychological safety and its importance. Now let’s get to the crux of the issue: How does a leader create psychological safety?

Google published a list of things that a leader can do to foster psychological safety. You can find it here. Scroll to the bottom of the page, and you can download a full-page list. There are five categories with bullet points under each. Here are the categories:

  • Demonstrate engagement
  • Show understanding
  • Be inclusive in interpersonal settings
  • Be inclusive in decision-making
  • Show confidence and conviction without appearing inflexible

There is also a YouTube video of Amy Edmondson discussing her findings about psychological safety at the link above. Here is the link to the video on YouTube if you want to go right to it. She explains psychological safety clearly with some great examples. I’d read some of her work but hadn’t seen the video before now.

Edmondson says that we have a great strategy for self-protection that robs a group of psychological safety. Psychologists call it impression management. We don’t want to look ignorant, incompetent, intrusive, or negative so we don’t ask questions, don’t admit mistakes, don’t offer ideas, and don’t criticize the status quo. This list created a light bulb for me. I see these behaviors all the time in the people and groups that I work with. Edmondson says that we’ve mastered this strategy by elementary school.

Her suggestions for creating psychological safety are:

  1. Frame the work as a learning problem, not an execution problem.
  2. Acknowledge our own fallibility.
  3. Model curiosity and ask a lot of questions.

I think she summed it up best when she said that we want to create an environment where we are not afraid of each other. Wow. That comment hit me. We do walk around most of the time fearing the reactions of others. What a waste of time and energy. Honestly, disapproval and humiliation are not fatal.

Before I discovered Edmondson’s list of ways to create psychological safety, I came up with my own. Here are my suggestions:

  1. Use verbal and nonverbal communication to show that you are present and that you care. No one cares what you know until they know that you care. It sounds like a platitude, but I find it to be very true. One of the ways to show that we care is to listen attentively.
  2. Enforce and model respect for self and others. I was a Boy Scout leader for many years and strictly enforced one rule: Nice words or no words. It was amazing to see how each boy flourished when he didn’t have to worry about being embarrassed or ridiculed. Being respectful also means being on time and doing what you say you are going to do.
  3. Be inclusive. Being inclusive means including others in the decision-making process and sharing the rationale for decisions. We want to ask for feedback and keep everyone in the loop as much as possible.
  4. Stay focused. Great leaders will keep a discussion and a process on track and moving forward. It’s detrimental to allow a group to meander around without a purpose or goal. Effective leaders must run meetings, processes, and projects with an eye to the ultimate goal and be sure the team knows what those goals and standards are. Individuals are most effective when they feel that what they do has an impact; a leader must make the connection between organizational success and the actions that the team complete.
  5. Be positive. Being positive covers a lot of territory, but it does not mean that the leader needs to maintain a constantly cheerful attitude. It means looking at people and events in a positive light as much as possible. Being positive includes actively looking for the good things that people are doing and commenting on them. It means looking at failure as a learning experience instead of the end of the world. A leader also is being positive when he or she expresses gratitude for a job well done.

I like my list and think it’s doable. From now on, I think I will grab “model curiosity” off Edmondson’s list and add it to mine. When I talk about Gottman’s list of communication toxins (aka the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse) in workshops, the antidote for all of them is curiosity.

Creating an optimal team environment requires a lot of the leader of the team. Usually a leader needs some help in self-assessment and behavior change. It’s important to note that behavior change is difficult if one tries to do it alone. Most people find change easier and faster if they have someone to help. I’ve seen coaching help people make amazing transformations.

If you are interested in reaping the benefits of psychological safety in your personal and professional relationships, I’d love to go on that journey with you.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Let’s Talk: Different Types of Communication

01 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by in #Communication, Uncategorized

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Good communication with ourselves and others is a fundamental piece of a successful life. In coaching and in leadership workshops, communication is the most challenging topic; it’s also one that’s easy to work on. We can get better at getting our point across.

Back in 1972, Professor Albert Mehrabian said that our message is 7% words, 38% voice, and 54% body language. The only important thing to remember here is that our nonverbal communication has a huge influence on our message.

Nonverbal communication includes facial expression, tone of voice, and body language. If I say “I am so glad to be here” in a sarcastic tone while rolling my eyes and looking at my watch, you won’t believe my words. That’s so interesting! If the nonverbal and verbal messages are not aligned, then we go with the nonverbal message! Our words have no meaning when the nonverbal message contradicts them!

We want to be careful with the words that we use; however, we also need to pay close attention to our nonverbal messages. Crossed arms and stern looks can make us appear unapproachable or judgmental. If we deliver bad news while smiling, we send a very confusing message. It’s important that we intentionally align our verbal and nonverbal messages.

There is a third way that we communicate other than verbally and nonverbally; it is symbolic. We do a whole lot of communicating symbolically with our clothes, jewelry, shoes, hairstyles, backpacks, water bottles, fingernails, cars, and even our homes. We are telling the world something about ourselves with every symbolic choice that we make.

It’s important that our symbolic messages are intentional and appropriate. We cannot ignore the fact that we tell people about our commitment to a job with our clothes. If I show up to work in wrinkled clothes with my shirt untucked and hair that looks like I just tumbled out of bed, then I am sending the message that I’m not professional and don’t take my job seriously. That message might not be entirely true, but it’s still the message that I’m sending.

It’s also a good idea to pay attention to how your things (e.g., clothes, jewelry, bags) make you feel. You even send symbolic messages to yourself.

Speaking of talking to yourself, we all have a little voice in our head. How that voice talks to us can make a huge impact on our confidence and self-esteem. Negative self-talk can be a very destructive force. There are some things that we can do to improve the way we talk to ourselves.

Begin by asking yourself if you would talk that way to a friend. Would you say, “You are stupid and incompetent!” to someone you care about? Of course not! If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, then don’t say it to yourself.

Studies have shown that talking to yourself using “you” or your name as if talking to a friend increases confidence, performance, and anxiety. For example, instead of “I can do this!”, I say, “Kathy, you can do this!” It’s an easy shift to make. No one knows exactly why this works, but it does, so let’s run with it.

Talking to ourselves as we would to a friend and using “you” and our names help to put us in an observer role, which is another way to battle negative self-talk. In one study, psychologists had people stand in the mirror and comment on themselves. If a person said, “I am a fat blob with a jiggly belly,” the researchers would ask them to state factual information as an observer. The participant could say, “I have a round abdomen.” Observing factually leads to action more often than negative self-talk does.

Lastly, we can name our inner voice. In coaching, we call it a Gremlin, and it seems intent on sabotaging our efforts. Many times, our Gremlins are trying to keep us safe. My Gremlin might say, “Don’t put in a proposal for that job. You won’t get it, anyway.” It’s trying to save me the pain and disappointment that I would experience if I didn’t get it. I can tell my Gremlin, “Thanks! I know you are trying to save me some emotional pain and disappointment, but I’ve got this! If I don’t get it, it will be OK.”

The first step in communicating is becoming aware of the different ways that we send messages to ourselves and others. The second step is to be intentional in the message and the way that we deliver it. This perspective gives “Watch your language!” a whole new meaning.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Positive Relationships

06 Tuesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Bloom and Flourish, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

The Physical Health pillar is difficult for me because of circumstances outside of my control; I had brain surgery in 2009 that left me with some physical challenges. However, I have no excuse for my failure in the Positive Relationships pillar. I know how important it is to have community and positive relationships in order to bloom and flourish because at this moment in time, my supportive community is not complete, and I’m not flourishing!

I moved to Huntsville, AL, in 2012, and I have done an abysmal job of creating a community of supportive, positive relationships. My biggest obstacle is I Can Do It Myself Syndrome (ICDIMS). I’ve battled it all my life! Somewhere along the way, I determined that not everyone is super reliable and that depending on others is a sign of weakness, which led to this syndrome. Neither of these perspectives is especially useful. Neither is ICDIMS.

Awareness is the first step! We talked about beliefs back in March when we talked about our Frame of Reference (https://tinyurl.com/yae5t29q). It took me a while to identify ICDIMS and its underlying beliefs, but I finally got there. It took a lot of questions and coaching.

I haven’t always suffered from ICDIMS. When I was an active-duty Army spouse, I had friends that I relied on. When my Mom was dying, friends picked up my children from school, fed them, and had them sleep over. It was such a warm and comforting feeling to be surrounded by people who cared and were supportive. I miss that feeling.

So far, I’ve made it sound like I am alone in the world, and that is not true. I have a wonderful group of supportive friends and family that I rely on. The problem is that none of them live in Huntsville with me. My sister and youngest son live in Texas. My other son and his wife are in Virginia.  I have dear friends in North Carolina who I miss and value highly. Most days, I talk with a friend and fellow coach who lives in Pennsylvania. Another close friend lives in Maryland.

These people all offer support and kicks in the butt when needed. I love and depend on them all. They allow me some level of flourishing, and they keep me from being a complete failure at the Positive Relationship pillar of Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model. They also save me from feeling alone.

However, to truly flourish, we need optimal circumstances, and that means having a full range of positive relationships, including ones with people who live near us. We need friends to do stuff with! We want people who can pick us up when we take our car to the shop or when we lock our keys in the car. A movie is way more fun to watch when we watch it with someone whom we can chat with about what we saw. In truth, we can’t do it all ourselves. ICDIMS is a syndrome, not a truth.

Friendships are not only people helping us. In order to get good friends, we have to be  good friends. Positive relationships take an investment of time and emotional energy. We also get to be the one who picks up a friend from the car repair shop or hospital. We make calls and ask people to lunch. We take the time to meet for coffee and listen to friends’ frustrations and accomplishments.

I have some friends who are very thoughtful. They remember birthdays and send notes. I like those kinds of friends, but I am not one of them. That’s OK. We get to be a good friend to others in our own way. Some of my friends nurture with food. I love those friends. I am not a cook and hence not that kind of friend, either.

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman gives us a good framework for positive relationships. Different things are important to different people. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. If a friend or significant other gives you a gift, his or her love language may be receiving gifts.

We experience a disconnect when our love languages don’t match. For example, gifts don’t mean much to me, and neither do flowery words about how great I am. For me, it’s quality time and acts of service. I tell you that I care by spending time with you or helping you move. Spending time with me without looking at your phone and engaging in conversation touches my heart, not flowers or knickknacks.

Positive relationships are easier to create and maintain when we are aware of our own love language preferences and the preferences of our friends and loved ones. If words of affirmation are important to someone, we want to be sure and meet that need in our relationship.

We don’t want to run around trying to create positive relationships with everyone! We need to be selective. We want positive people who we can depend on most of the time. It’s taken me a while to accept the fact that no one is reliable 100% of the time. They all have their own lives and priorities. We are humans with a limited amount of time to manage. I am one of them with the same flaws. However, our support team should always be people who we trust. Trust is the fundamental quality of great positive relationships.

When starting from scratch to create a supportive community, it’s a good a idea to find people with similar interests. Once again, my Mom was an excellent role model. She lived with us for the last ten years of her life, and as a military family, we moved a lot. When we got to a new place, she joined local hiking clubs, counted birds with the local Audubon Society, found quilting groups, and offered to babysit for new neighbors. She found friends faster than I did, and I had military support groups waiting at every new place.

I am working on this pillar! I’m waving around my Magic Wand of Destiny and creating new relationships in Huntsville, and I’m recreating relationships there that I’ve let weaken. I started going to networking events and mastermind groups, where I am beginning to develop some friendships.

I know how important it is to have a supportive community physically around you, because I don’t have it right now. However, I control my future with the intentional choices that I make now. If you want me, I will be waving around my Magic Wand of Destiny to overcome ICDIMS and having lunch with a friend.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.