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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: June 2020

Airplane! v. Guardians of the Galaxy

30 Tuesday Jun 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Uncategorized

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#Airplane!, #GuardiansOfTheGalaxy, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #personalvalues, #TheAvengers

Guardians of the Galaxy

I teased a friend about watching the movie Airplane! If you have somehow missed this movie, filled with cringe-worthy humor and ridiculous gags, then you are missing some great one-liners to use in everyday life. When someone says, “Surely you are not serious”, the classic retort from the movie is “I am serious – and don’t call me Shirley.” It is not the kind of movie that I would watch more than once a decade. It is not my cup of tea. Absolutely do not watch it with your children, no matter how old they are.

A few days later, I told my friend that I was watching The Avengers. She immediately said, “You harassed me about watching Airplane!, and you are watching The Avengers?” Fair point. I thought about it for a minute and then said, “It doesn’t have potty humor or drug references.” Which is true. The Avengers are pretty clean cut.

However, the next movie that I watched was Guardians of the Galaxy. It has potty humor and drug references. And it’s not the first time that I have watched Guardians of the Galaxy. I own it. I’ve watched it a dozen or more times.

So, hmmmm. What is the difference between Airplane! and Guardians of the Galaxy? An even better question is why am I writing about it in a leadership blog? There is a method to my madness.

As leaders, it’s important that we are clear on the ruler that we use to judge things. Our ruler is made up of our values and priorities. We want to know and be reassured that what we say is important to us is truly important to us. Self-awareness is the first part of emotional intelligence. We can’t lead well if we don’t know ourselves well. We can check in on our values on something as superficial as movie preferences.

So why do I like The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy and not Airplane!? Any guesses? Here’s what I think. In both The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy, good is fighting evil. Granted, the Guardians wander around a bit in a morally gray area but stand up in the end and do what is right. I like the idea of good triumphing over evil. It’s an old storyline, but I am comforted when those on the moral high ground win, especially when they win for others and not just themselves.

I believe that great leaders are servant leaders – people who use their talents and power to help others. So, yes. My choice in movies reflects my values. The struggle of good v. evil also draws me to the Harry Potter books and movies.

The other thing that I like about the Avengers, the Guardians, and the gang at Hogwarts is that they each are a team. They work together for a common purpose. There is a definite sense of camaraderie and affection. When the chips are down, they always have each others’ backs. I like that.

Loyalty and teamwork are important leadership qualities. We cannot lead unless we care about and support the people around us. We cannot succeed ourselves unless we make sure everyone else succeeds, too.

My choices in movies don’t always reflect my values. I went through a John Wick period for a while that reflected my life circumstances and events more than my values. However, figuring that out was a huge leap in self-awareness.

Awareness is just the first step. Once we have brought a decision to a conscious level, we can decide what to do about it. I decided just to enjoy John Wick’s violent expression of anger. I did and got tired of it; then life moved on. Now I’m back to watching the Avengers, Guardians, and wizards who live the lives I want to emulate.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Stay Woke

23 Tuesday Jun 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Uncategorized

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#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #speakup, #staywoke

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By the time I’ve heard and grasped a slang term, it’s made it to mass saturation. The term #staywoke was used to mean just staying awake for a while but became a call to be on the lookout for racial and social injustice starting in about 2011. It’s not a term that I’ve been aware of, but the concept is something that I’ve advocated in my leadership series for decades.

As leaders, it’s imperative that we maintain constant vigilance for the small and large slights that people often make without thinking. Although I like to think that fairness and equal treatment are always on my radar, I know that I am probably most aware of sexist comments and actions.

At 60 years old, I’ve seen and heard a lot of stuff that angers and annoys me because it’s based on underlying stereotypes about women. I realize that most people, both male and female, have no idea that they are being offensive. Several years ago, I decided that I was done being quiet about it. I decided that I was going to speak up firmly and confidently each time I heard someone being sexist.

My first opportunity came at a public event. It was a study of successful entrepreneurs. There was a slide for each entrepreneur that showed their net worth and major accomplishments. On one slide there was a large picture of a male founder with a beautiful woman. The caption was “He married a supermodel.”

Now if you don’t see why this is offensive, you are definitely not woke. I probably would have been okay if the caption had said, “Through his work he found the love of his life.” Listing marrying a supermodel as an achievement alongside his financial gains and market share objectifies her. And why is the fact that she is a supermodel important?

There are a couple of leadership lessons here. First, point out social injustice or inappropriateness if you see it. It doesn’t have to be in that moment. I could have waited until after the presentation to speak to the presenter. In that particular situation, it was a young man presenting to an audience of mostly young men. I was the outlier. The audience catcalled when the picture went up. I felt that the entire group would benefit from a little more awareness. I also felt that the few younger women in the group needed to see it was okay to speak out.

Talking to someone privately has its advantages. I was providing diversity training to an organization. Let me reiterate – diversity training. We were talking about lifting something heavy, and I said that they needed to find a young buck to lift it for them. At break, someone pulled me aside and told me that “young buck” was a racial slur. My response was, “What?!” I had no idea. When I was growing up, I heard it used to describe muscular, fit males of all colors. I was so embarrassed.

I thanked the person who told me and apologized to everyone after the break. Instead of a public humiliation, it was a positive learning experience. I was grateful to the person who told me and honored that he assumed good intent on my part. He didn’t believe that I’d used the term in a knowingly derogatory way.

When to call out a stereotypical or racist comment is a judgment call. Leadership is full of them. Just make sure you point it out.

We have blind spots. We see and react to the world through our own unique Frame of Reference. We aren’t going to notice every discriminatory comment. When someone else calls it, the first thing to say is “Thank you for pointing that out.” That is the second leadership lesson.

If you can see how the situation could be taken as offensive, say, “I can see how that could be offensive.” Then check in to make sure that you are right. They may find it offensive for some other reason.

If you really don’t have an idea, which could be a possibility, ask what they thought about it was inappropriate. Tone of voice is huge here. Put your ego down, and ask sincerely.

Making ourselves and others aware of discrimination is crucial for great leadership. We can lead ourselves and others into a heightened awareness of other perspectives. Awareness is always the first step – and it shouldn’t be the last.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Questions Are the Answer

16 Tuesday Jun 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #questionsaretheanswer

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In the final class of my MBA program, we had to do a presentation. I can’t remember exactly what my partner and I did, but it was some sort of business case analysis. We worked long and hard on our presentation.

We presented to the rest of the class – who were in competition with us. The goal of the class was to make the presenters look as bad and incompetent as possible. Not the best organizational behavior set up to foster goodwill.

There was one other woman in the class besides me. She was outspoken. When our presentation was over, she started asking questions that felt a lot like bait. She was subtly trying to get our goat. My young partner rose to the challenge almost immediately. I remember putting a hand on his shoulder as he began a heated retort. I said, “Wait, let’s be clear about what she is asking before we answer.”

I can’t remember her initial question exactly, but it was something like, “You honestly believe it’s a good idea to have people blah, blah, blah?” What she finished with isn’t important. Then, I turned to her and asked her to clarify.

I asked something like, “What exactly do you think is a problem about having people blah, blah, blah?” She huffed and said it was obvious. I told her that it wasn’t obvious to me and that in order to properly answer her objections, I needed to know exactly what she was objecting to. I asked, “Which part of our analysis do you believe to be faulty and why?”

She sputtered and backed down. She didn’t have anything specific. She was just trying to get us to lose our tempers. It was in that moment that I realized the power of questions. It was well before I started coach training that confirmed that belief. Questions are almost always the answer when facing difficult times and decisions. They also work pretty well on bullies.

The most important thing to remember when using questions is that you must sound sincere in the asking. Any hint of sarcasm and you are done for. Tone of voice is the difference between successfully asking “Please tell me specifically what your objections are to that plan” to create a dialogue and creating ill will and resentment. As leaders, it’s important to maintain an authentic curiosity about what the other person is thinking and feeling.

Coaching is all about helping people figure out their best path forward. Coaches do that by first raising a client’s awareness around a topic and then creating accountability for action. The action part is not usually the problem, it’s deciding what to do that can be a challenge when facing complex issues.

We can coach ourselves a bit during these challenging times by asking ourselves some questions. Here are some of my favorites:

  • Which one of your values is the most important to uphold in this situation?
  • Which one of your values feels challenged in this situation?
  • What is the single most important consideration?
  • How do you want to be remembered when this situation is over?
  • If you could wave a magic wand and create the perfect outcome, what would it look like? What is the most powerful action that you could take to help achieve that outcome?
  • What would make this decision easier?
  • What are the unknowns right now?
  • Who else will be affected by your decision?
  • How can you help others?
  • Who can help you?
  • What would you regret doing? Not doing?

We can use these questions for something as easy as whether or not to wear a mask in public. I do wear a mask because I feel that the most important thing for me to do is to protect others. I could be pre-symptomatic and not know it at any time. I would wholly regret giving COVID-19 to someone else – even unknowingly. To me, it’s a simple action that I can take to care for others. Caring and helping others is one of my core values.

People who don’t wear masks make their decisions based on different values and considerations. I don’t know what they are for sure, but I would guess from what I’ve heard and read that freedom is an important consideration for them, or perhaps not showing fear or weakness. I am not criticizing their decision. We all must do things in alignment with our values that are based on the information that we have.

I recently visited several gun shops. I was the only person in every store who was wearing a mask. Well, one guy walked in wearing a mask, looked around, then took it off. Blending in, or what other people thought of him, seemed to be his guiding principle.

I did not take my mask off in any of the gun shops because I am very clear about why I am wearing it. I give myself some modicum of protection, hence I am protecting the people that are in my inner circle. I am also protecting everyone in the gun shop by keeping my respiratory spray to myself. It doesn’t matter to me what everyone else is doing. What matters to me is following my own values and doing what feels right to me. No regrets.

There are a million different ways to assess a decision and decide how to act because each of us has our own unique Frame of Reference. The key is to clearly understand our own Frame of Reference and act in ways that will make us look back on our actions proudly. As great leaders, we also want to feel confident that we are helping more than hurting.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Leading in Challenging Times

09 Tuesday Jun 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Uncategorized

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#challengingtimes, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #Listening

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I am deeply disturbed by the things happening in America now – and I do not want to react irrationally. As a leader, I know the importance of pausing before acting or speaking on complex matters of great importance. Rash actions in times like these can look pretty poor in hindsight.

I am against personal and societal racism. I firmly and unequivocally believe that black lives matter. I sincerely hope that we are making a crucial pivot in our society toward equality for all.

I am appalled that police have killed and attacked unarmed civilians. People in positions of power have a responsibility to care for others. However, I do not believe that all police are terrible people. It is unacceptable to condemn an entire group of people as being a certain way; that is stereotyping.

I am white, female, and old. I can only offer views from that perspective. However, I am listening to other perspectives. Good leaders listen and help where they can.

If you are a leader in an organization, it’s important to talk about what is going on. Asking questions and listening is the way to begin. Asking “How can I help?” is a good next step. We all have an elephant in every room right now, and it’s best to talk about it rather than ignore it. Strategic actions come next.

As difficult as it may be, my request for the world would be for us all to presume good intent as much as possible as we move forward and change. I am sure to insult someone even though my intentions are good. I hope that anyone who knows me would not assume that I am being intentionally malicious, mean, or racist. If we can create some psychological safety for each other, we can have productive discussions that will lead to understanding and tangible solutions. It’s the only way for us to move forward together in partnership.

Personally, I plan to listen and do more research. There is great power in listening fully to what someone has to say. When we feel heard, we feel seen. I will find groups in alignment with my values and support them. I also plan to vote and encourage others to vote. We need politicians at the local, state, and national levels who answer to the people and not money. It’s one big-picture action that I can do for this very complicated problem. It’s an action that I feel passionate about.

The only other things that I can do now are to act with integrity, see people as people with value equal to my own, and call out instances of any sort of unfairness – whether it is racism, chauvinism, homophobia, or any other form of discrimination. That’s one small-scale action that each of us can do.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Put the Big Rocks in First

02 Tuesday Jun 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Uncategorized

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#bigrocksfirst, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #priorities

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This is a story about priorities. I have demonstrated this concept in my time management and leadership workshops.

A professor stood before his philosophy class. He filled a large jar with rocks and asked his students if the jar was full. They said that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. The sand filled up the spaces between the pebbles. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded, “yes.”

The professor then produced two cups of coffee and poured the entire contents into the jar. The students laughed.

The rocks are the important things in your life like your family, your health, and activities that bring you joy. The rocks are your priorities, and the rest of life should work around them.

The pebbles are things that matter – like your job and other obligations. The sand represents all the small requirements of life that take up a lot of our time and make us feel busy. If we fill our jars with sand, we don’t have room for things that make life meaningful.

What about the coffee? No matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a cup of coffee with a friend. Having a supportive community is important.

This is an important reminder right now. Some of us have had our jars emptied out on the table in front of us. What was once a priority doesn’t seem important at all given current world events. It feels like our society is at a tipping point that requires us all to determine anew what are the most important things in life.

Once we decide what our priorities are, we want to be sure that we make time for them. We want to block off time for our rocks; then we work in the rest of life around them.

Compare your to-do list with your priorities. Are your priorities on the list of things to do tomorrow? If not, block off some time on your calendar, and spend some time on things that move you forward and give your life meaning. If possible, throw in an action or two that will help the rest of us and our society, too.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

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