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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Tag Archives: #Listening

Leading in Challenging Times

09 Tuesday Jun 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Uncategorized

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Tags

#challengingtimes, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #Listening

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I am deeply disturbed by the things happening in America now – and I do not want to react irrationally. As a leader, I know the importance of pausing before acting or speaking on complex matters of great importance. Rash actions in times like these can look pretty poor in hindsight.

I am against personal and societal racism. I firmly and unequivocally believe that black lives matter. I sincerely hope that we are making a crucial pivot in our society toward equality for all.

I am appalled that police have killed and attacked unarmed civilians. People in positions of power have a responsibility to care for others. However, I do not believe that all police are terrible people. It is unacceptable to condemn an entire group of people as being a certain way; that is stereotyping.

I am white, female, and old. I can only offer views from that perspective. However, I am listening to other perspectives. Good leaders listen and help where they can.

If you are a leader in an organization, it’s important to talk about what is going on. Asking questions and listening is the way to begin. Asking “How can I help?” is a good next step. We all have an elephant in every room right now, and it’s best to talk about it rather than ignore it. Strategic actions come next.

As difficult as it may be, my request for the world would be for us all to presume good intent as much as possible as we move forward and change. I am sure to insult someone even though my intentions are good. I hope that anyone who knows me would not assume that I am being intentionally malicious, mean, or racist. If we can create some psychological safety for each other, we can have productive discussions that will lead to understanding and tangible solutions. It’s the only way for us to move forward together in partnership.

Personally, I plan to listen and do more research. There is great power in listening fully to what someone has to say. When we feel heard, we feel seen. I will find groups in alignment with my values and support them. I also plan to vote and encourage others to vote. We need politicians at the local, state, and national levels who answer to the people and not money. It’s one big-picture action that I can do for this very complicated problem. It’s an action that I feel passionate about.

The only other things that I can do now are to act with integrity, see people as people with value equal to my own, and call out instances of any sort of unfairness – whether it is racism, chauvinism, homophobia, or any other form of discrimination. That’s one small-scale action that each of us can do.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Create Your Bubble

13 Tuesday Dec 2016

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Thriving Through the Holidays, Uncategorized

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#Bubbles, #Communication, #KathySays, #leadership, #LeadershipRules, #Listening, #perspective, happiness, Intention, PositiveEffectLeadership, Positivity, relationships

create-your-bubble-2

Thriving Through the Holidays

Yay! We made it through Thanksgiving! We don’t have to just survive the holidays. There are skills and perspectives that can help us sail through the holidays with ease and enjoyment. Survival is not our goal. Thriving by creating and maintaining positive relationships and perspectives is what we want to strive for during the holiday season. It is so much more fun and motivating that just slogging through! Let’s make the holidays joyous!

 Skill 3: Create your bubble.

It’s easy to be influenced by the negativity of others. In fact, studies have proven that we tend to mimic the emotions of those around us. We have mirror neurons in our brain that fire automatically when we interact with others. If the other person is happy, then we feel happy. If he or she is angry, we feel angry. Our mirror neurons may fire, but it doesn’t mean that we are a slave to them. Despite the initial reaction triggered by our mirror neurons, we can choose our own emotions.

Sometimes it helps to visualize a shiny bubble around you that protects you from negative energy. Visualize yourself zipping up the front of the bubble if that helps you – like you are zipping yourself into a sleeping bag. Your bubble is a complete barrier that allows only the good and positive inside. The negative cannot get through. There are no holes, no leaks, and no soft spots. Instead of a bubble, it can be God’s love or Universal energy that surrounds you. Visualize and describe it in your mind in a way that has meaning for you.

When Uncle Seibert starts on one of his tirades, mentally zip up your bubble around yourself. Imagine all his negative words sliding past you. None of them make it past your shiny bubble because it is impervious to negativity. It’s amazing how well this works! You get to choose whether or not you let the negativity of others affect you.

If someone is on a huge rant, I imagine a mirror between us – facing him or her. I see them complaining to themselves in the mirror. It isn’t even directed at me. I hope that they can see and hear themselves spewing toxic emotions. Sometimes they slow down when they aren’t getting a reaction. It isn’t fun to rant if you can’t get the other person riled up with you.

When my children were young, I would send them off to school with a shield. Here are the words that I would say, “I am surrounding you with God’s shield of white light, love, and truth. Nothing harmful or negative can get in, only good and positive.” You can phrase it in your own way, but it’s a nice gift to give others; even Uncle Seibert could do with a bubble of his own.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Thriving Through the Holidays: Listen Without Judgment

06 Tuesday Dec 2016

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Thriving Through the Holidays, Uncategorized

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Tags

#Communication, #KathySays, #Listening, #Relationships #Leadership, #ThrivingThroughTheHolidays, PositiveEffectLeadership

listen-without-judgment-2

Thriving Through the Holidays

Yay! We made it through Thanksgiving! We don’t have to just survive the holidays. There are skills and perspectives that can help us sail through the holidays with ease and enjoyment. Survival is not our goal. Thriving by creating and maintaining positive relationships and perspectives is what we want to strive for during the holiday season. It is so much more fun and motivating that just slogging through! Let’s make the holidays joyous!

 Skill 2: Listen Without Judgment

Judging people, events, and things uses up a lot of emotional energy. When we judge something or someone in a negative way, we are activating powerful, negative emotions. These emotions can be even more powerful if we’ve been having them for a long time. For example, Aunt Agnes has run her mouth for years about how a woman’s place is in the home. Trigger alert! We listen, judge, attach a whole host of negative emotions, and fume. Sometimes we skip the “listen” stage and complete the rest of the sequence before she has finished intaking breath to speak. It’s all exhausting.

It’s important to accept that we are never going to change Aunt Agnes’ view of a woman’s place. Never. It’s also important to know that we aren’t going to change our minds or change who we are if we listen to her point of view. She isn’t a hypnotist or a wizard who can make us change our thinking if we don’t want to do so.

By keeping those two things in mind, we can change the dynamic of our conversations with Aunt Agnes by listening to her without judgment. First, we want to adopt a curious perspective. Let’s commit to asking her at least three questions. Why does she feel that way? What experiences has she had that influence her thinking? How is she trying to protect you in her view? Most of our internal and external critics are trying to protect us from something. It’s fascinating to figure out what those things are.

In order to have this conversation, we need to put our egos in a chair in another room. Then, we need to lock the door so they can’t come in and take over the conversation. Seriously, our egos gets in the way of truly listening without judgment all the time. It can feel insulting to hear someone say that you just don’t have the DNA to handle a difficult job or understand technology. Refer back to the fact that Aunt Agnes is not a master of mind control. She can’t hurt you. She can’t make you less than who you are. She also can’t make things true by saying them out loud. When your ego starts yelling from the other room, shout back that you got this.

A conversation with Aunt Agnes is a great opportunity to practice some conversational jiu-jitsu. We never want to meet force with force in a conversation. If someone starts yelling, it  isn’t effective for us to start yelling back. We want to stay calm and ask questions. Nothing takes the wind out of someone’s anger sails faster than calmly asking them to explain what makes this issue such a hot topic.

Our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. We create positive relationships with people when we make them feel heard and respected. We can give Aunt Agnes and everyone else that we talk to a wonderful gift this holiday season if we listen to them calmly without judgment.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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