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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: March 2019

Erasing the Past

26 Tuesday Mar 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership

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Tags

#erasingthepast, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #TheOrville

I recently watched an episode of The Orville. For you non-sci-fi people, it’s a TV show about people exploring space. It’s similar to Star Trek: The Next Generation, but with fewer leadership paradigms and more crass situational comedy. Sometimes, however, they have a gem of an episode.

In the one I just watched, a time capsule from 2015 has been discovered, and an iPhone is in it. They figure out how to get the phone up and running. It belonged to a young woman named Laura who left all of her texts, emails, photos, songs, etc., on the phone so that the future could get a glimpse of her life.

One of the characters, Gordon, finds her enchanting and gets the ship’s computer to create a simulation based on the information in the phone so that he can experience Laura’s world in the holodeck. (If you have no idea what a holodeck is, email me. We need to talk.) The doors to the holodeck open, and Gordon walks into a party at Laura’s house.

Gordon meets the recreated Laura and falls in love with her. Unfortunately, the simulation is based on information in the phone, and the real Laura got back together with her boyfriend in 2015. Gordon is heartsick and has the computer delete the boyfriend from the program. When he re-enters the simulation, Laura is a different person.

She doesn’t play angsty songs about love in a dive pub. She is more driven to move up at Macy’s, where she works. She is still charming but different. She turns out to be a different person when her boyfriend is completely deleted from her life. He was the one who encouraged her to sing and perform.

Of course, the show got me thinking about what I would be like if I had the ability to delete people from my life. Not just delete them now, which I can actually do to some extent, but to erase them so that I had never interacted with them.

The first person to come to mind was my father. We have a stormy history. Obviously, if I completely delete him, I delete myself. He is my father. So let’s just look at how I would be different if he had not had any part in my growing up.

It’s an interesting question because I get some of my best and worst qualities from him, I think. Of course, there is no way to know for sure. This is just an interesting game.

My father told me when I was young that I could do anything. I played softball in elementary school and pitched fastpitch in high school. On the ring finger of every glove that I owned he wrote, “This is a winner’s glove. I never miss a ball.” I think a lot of my confidence comes from him.

I believe that my silly bravery comes from him also. I am not afraid to make a fool of myself. As a result, I am not afraid to take risks. I have a clear memory of skipping with him through a parking lot on our way to see a movie. It was, in fact, the second movie of the day for us. We saw The Sting with Redford and Newman then drove across town to see another one of the duo’s films, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I remember people snickering at us as we skipped and really not caring.

The other thing he told me over and over was “Make them come up to your level. Do not lower yourself to theirs.” As a tall, opinionated, and pretty young girl, I took a lot of mean hits from classmates. I started at a private school in 8th grade, where they were particularly vicious in the beginning. Even the teachers were mean to me. I have tried to live by that phrase for all of my life – even when dealing with my father, who is not always kind, truthful, or supportive.

I also get my temper from him, which I’ve worked most of my life to control. He passed on his contempt for others who are different than us or less fortunate. Man, that one is hard to spot and change because it feels like truth until you really bring it to a conscious level and examine it. I work to see everyone as a person of value with dreams and needs equal to my own. I slip sometimes, but it’s at a conscious level that I can now deal with.

I could go through the same “what if I delete them” exercise with my ex-husband. We were married for 36 years, and he influenced who I’ve become more than my father did.

When we were separated, I went through our pictures and belongings, deciding what to keep and what to leave behind. I remember sitting in a closet under the eaves of our home surrounded by albums and boxes that contained 35 years of photographs and memories. I felt a real urge to destroy everything that had to do with my ex. It was a tumultuous time, and my emotions were very raw. Then I realized that I would have to delete 35 years of my life to do that. However, it’s really, really hard to be mad at a person now and not take it out on every memory with that person.

Hurricane Irma had just devastated much of Florida. I thought of the people who had lost all of their belongings and pictures. Some had lost loved ones. They were going to have to rebuild their lives from scratch. In a way, I was experiencing a hurricane in my life.

I could see the disaster coming. I was divorcing and moving out of my home. I could prepare for it, but I couldn’t avoid it. The hurricane would come in and take away everything familiar. I would put some belongings in storage and load the rest up into a U-Haul trailer that I would drive away with. I planned to be homeless for a while. I would rely on the kindness of friends and family.

In my mind, I decided that the husband in this history of photos was lost in my metaphorical hurricane. I loved him, and I missed him. I still had to deal with this husband in the now that I wasn’t terribly fond of, but I wanted to find a way to keep hold of the good memories. I was made from all of those experiences. I am who I am today because I was married to a man who I loved for more than 30 years.

He helped me develop my corny sense of humor. I hear one of his favorite phrases, “Maybe, we’ll see,” in my head all of the time. It represents a less rigid approach to life that I learned from him. I cherish the sense of belonging and teamwork that I experienced in our marriage. It was a great feeling that I am now working to recreate with friends and clients. I am more relaxed, fun, and resilient as a result of our relationship.

It was freeing to look at the photographs without malice. This lovely guy was taken by the hurricane. I can remember and love him and the memories.

I wouldn’t delete my ex from my past any more than I would delete my father. I have little to no interaction with either now, but it’s important for me, my sanity, and my well-being to feel gratitude toward them both for helping me develop into the person that I am now. The good times and the bad helped me see the good in myself and build resilience, which comes in mighty handy in life.

In The Orville, Gordon decided the same thing. He put the boyfriend back into the program, went into the simulation, sang a song with Laura, and said goodbye to both her and her boyfriend.

Even the cruelest people in our pasts have helped us to develop into who we are now. We get to choose how we grow by how we react and what we take away from the experiences. We lose all the opportunities for growth and self-awareness if we negate the person and ignore the experiences.

In my mind, I give difficult people in my past a hug, thank them for the lessons, wish them well – then tell them not to let the screen door hit them in the butt on their way out the door. Boundaries in the present are essential, but that’s a topic for another time.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Life Is a Treasure Hunt

19 Tuesday Mar 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Positivity

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#, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #treasurehuntlife

When I was growing up, I read a lot of Sherlock Holmes. I still love following a mystery and considering each event and detail as a possible clue.  Of course, I never have the whole thing figured out when Mr. Holmes exclaims, “Elementary, my dear Watson!”, but I always have my suspicions.

Looking at each detail of the story for meaning is one of the things that I enjoy most in Sherlock Holmes’ adventures. I didn’t think of looking for meaning in the details of my own life until I read The Celestine Prophecy years ago. I don’t remember many details of the plot, but I did take away the thought that people and challenges might be put in my path for a reason.

I’ve always fought against the idea of “destiny.” What is the point of living life if you are just living out a script set in stone? However, I like the idea of looking for and following clues because I’m still in control in that case. I always have the ability to choose whether to follow the clue or not, but recognizing it as a possible turning point keeps me from blundering blindly through life without making a conscious choice.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that I have to jump on every opportunity that comes my way. If I did, I’d buy every single item advertised on TV and fall for every marketing gimmick. The ultimate choice is mine. I find that my stomach is my most reliable yardstick for making a decision that’s right for me.

I was offered a discount on a leadership school that is quite expensive. Two trainers who I respect from my life coach class recommended me. I felt a real obligation to live up to their expectations and to take advantage of the opportunity in front of me. In the end, I realized that the thought of taking on such a huge financial burden was making me crazy, and my stomach was in knots. When I let go of the opportunity, my whole body relaxed, and my stomach unclenched and gave a sigh of relief.

In her book The Unmistakable Touch of Grace, Cheryl Richardson writes about a guiding hand influencing our lives. She calls it “grace” and writes, “Every event we experience and every person we meet has been put in our path for a reason. When we awaken to this fundamental truth, we begin to understand that a benevolent force of energy is available to guide and direct our lives.”

Richardson advocates asking for that help from the Universe, or whatever name you use for your higher power. Asking a higher power for help isn’t all that odd an idea. Many people pray to God and ask for help and guidance. Here is the phrase that Richardson uses: “I am open and receptive to the power of grace in my life now. I ask to be shown clear examples of how this energy is operating in my life.”

My best example of grace stepping in to lend a hand came the morning that I was struggling to get the convoluted idea of grace that was in my brain untangled, down my arms, and into my hands to type. I was about to give up when my friend Rose called. She said, “I thought that you could use a smile this morning.” I told her that I always appreciated a smile, and she asked me what I was up to.

I started trying to explain the concept of grace and clues and choice. My explanation seemed lifeless and vague, but she sent me scrambling for a pen with her immediate comment, “Oh, the treasure hunt to fulfillment.” Wow! Thank you, Universe, for sending me Rose this morning!

“That is the way I live my life,” she continued. “I see myself surrounded by opportunities that I get to choose from.” It’s way beyond coincidence that she telephoned just as I was grappling with Cheryl Richardson’s call for grace.

Rose’s metaphor of life as a treasure hunt reminded me of a game that I used to play with my children. They were too young to read, so I sketched various places around our yard and used them as clues.  I handed them a picture of the slide. They would run to the slide, where a picture of the basketball goal waited for them. They ran to each place eager to find out where the next clue led.

There are a lot of similarities between the kids’ game and life. First, there’s no way to see the end from the beginning. Second, to get to the end and win the game, you have to follow all of the clues in a specific order. You focus all of your energy on the visual image of your immediate goal. Once you reach that goal, another one waits for you that will take you further along your adventure. The game of life is fun when it’s a puzzle and a journey into the unknown that requires brains, courage, and tenacity.

There are those who disagree with my perspective on life, and I wouldn’t argue with them. They have just as much a chance of being right as I do, but being “right” isn’t what is important. Whether or not it’s true, isn’t it a more fun way to look at life? We have two choices. One is to go through life feeling that we are buffeted by the winds of fortune and are forced to fly hither and yon like a feather with no say in where we go. On the other hand, we can see ourselves surrounded by clues and gifts that are ours for the taking. Each day is an opportunity to learn and grow. Each person is a potential guru with wisdom to share.

Now I will confess that I wrote this blog back in 2007. It represents a turning point in how I view life. I still work to see life as Rose does – a treasure hunt to fulfillment. I will admit that the treasure hunt has taken me to some dark and scary places in the past dozen years or so. However, the journey is an adventure if you expect tokens and clues that will lead you into sunlit happiness. An adventure is something that I can look forward to living.

Life is a grand adventure when each moment could uncover a clue that leads to the treasure of living our best lives! As my friend Sherlock Holmes would say, “Come, Watson, come! The game is afoot!”


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Avoiding Silver-lining

12 Tuesday Mar 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership

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#, #atleast, #clearcommunication, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #silver-lining

Brené Brown turned silver-lining into a verb in a video on sympathy vs. empathy. You can watch it here if you are interested. I love her discussion on silver-lining things.

When someone is upset about a situation, we want to make them feel better. It’s a natural reaction, but not always a helpful one. Sometimes we feel compelled to show them the bright side of a situation – also not really helpful. When we do that, we are silver-lining. A tip-off that we are silver-lining someone are the words “At least.”

For example, let’s say that I am expressing frustration about not getting a gig after spending a lot of time on writing a proposal. The people listening want to cheer me up and make me feel better. They might say, “Well, at least you still have your health” or “At least you still have that other job that you are working on.” Both true perhaps, but the statements are not going to improve the situation or make me feel better.

After I watched Brown’s video, I started noticing a lot of silver-lining going on. A friend and fellow coach with a soft and nurturing heart who doesn’t like to see people suffering was the first person I noticed. She called me when I was seven hours into an eight-and-a-half hour drive. She asked me how much further I had to go, and I told her. Her answer was, “At least you only have an hour and a half to go.”

I felt like smacking her upside of the head. I wouldn’t ever, but I felt like it. Her statement made me angry. The point was that I had an entire hour and a half of torture left! I was tired, and my back hurt. I was bored and felt like I couldn’t take another moment in the car. Her silver-lining had totally dismissed my feelings and situation. Her statement had the exact opposite effect of what she intended.

My friend was the first person who I thought of and noticed, but I should have seen myself first because I am also guilty of silver-lining! I am a champion at silver-lining, especially with my children. They complain or share a frustration, and I want to show them that things are not that bad. I will say something like, “At least you have friends you enjoy at work” or “At least you have a car that runs.” Ack! I’m working to never silver-lining them again.

I noticed silver-lining again in a leadership workshop. We were talking about communication toxins. Small groups were creating skits to show each toxin and an antidote for each. Communication toxins are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, in case you are curious. They come from John Gottman’s research on couples.

I heard a lot of “At least” when they were creating their skits. We stopped and talked about better ways to deal with the toxins and, in general, situations when people were feeling some negative emotions.

The first step is to identify and acknowledge the feeling that the person is experiencing. Susan David, author of Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life, advocates facing all of our feelings, even the uncomfortable ones. Before we can face them, though, we have to name them.

In coaching, after naming an emotion, we normalize it. It’s important for all of us to be reminded that it’s normal and acceptable to feel some of what are termed “negative” emotions. In truth, emotions are just emotions. They are not inherently good or bad, positive or negative. Our emotions are natural reactions to events.

Now, we can control our emotional reactions to some degree, but that’s a different conversation. Now we are just naming and normalizing. Remember that silver-lining does not help someone reframe a situation or feel better; it’s not the solution.

Let’s go back to my road trip example. I sigh and say I have an hour and a half to go of an eight-hour drive. One good response could be, “That is a really long drive. I bet you are tired.” I might respond with something like, “I am tired! My back is sore, and I am so bored that I can’t stand it.”

At this point, most of us want to send a solution like “Why don’t you listen to an audiobook?” or silver-lining the situation with “At least most of the drive is behind you.” Resist!

It’s time to normalize and help them name and accept the emotions that they are feeling. We might say, “Of course you are tired! You’ve been sitting and focusing on driving for hours!” Hearing that kind of response makes us relax because we feel seen and heard.

Naming and normalizing emotions can also open the door to furthering the conversation. Once I feel that someone is listening and empathizing, I might say, “Long drives are terrible – and my children live so far away.” I’ve shared something else that is troubling my mind as I drive hour after hour.

Once again we are presented with the temptation to do some silver-lining because we want to make people feel better. We don’t want to say, “At least you get to see them every few months.” Instead, we want to name and normalize again by saying something like “It is frustrating that they aren’t closer to you.” No solutions or silver-lining – only listening and empathizing.

When we silver-lining people, we create resistance and an adversarial conversation. They feel compelled to defend the emotions that they are feeling. They don’t feel listened to or understood. Remember my gut reaction when my friend said, “At least you only have an hour and a half left.” I was immediately angry.

When we acknowledge the feelings and listen, we let people know that their feelings are valid and normal. We also let them know that we value them enough to really listen to them in order to understand what they are feeling. Our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. When we meet those needs, we help others relax into their situations, gain some perspective, and maybe find a solution.

Or maybe they just feel better because they aren’t alone with their feelings. Empathy, rather than silver-lining, goes a long way towards creating positive relationships, which are the hallmark of great leadership and a happy life.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

“Fixing” a Mistake

05 Tuesday Mar 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership

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Tags

#fixingamistake, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #oops

Being consistent is one of the great challenges of leadership. To be reliably calm means that we don’t lose our temper, yell, or blame. The goal is to maintain our composure and make good decisions as often as possible, but every now and then we’re going to mess up. When we make a mistake, we’ve broken trust. We want to avoid breaking trust because once it’s gone, trust is difficult to gain back. However, all is not lost if we lose someone’s trust. There are things that we can do to regain it as quickly as possible.

The first thing to do is to admit that we’ve done something disappointing. If we made a bad decision, forgot something, or lost our temper, we should admit it. The second thing to do is apologize. Some old-school thought states that leaders should never apologize. It’s based on the belief that leaders have to be perfect to be great leaders. The problem with that thinking is that none of us are perfect. We are human, and we make mistakes. We only make matters worse if we don’t admit our mistakes and apologize.

We also need to do whatever we can to fix the problem if that’s possible. An apology goes a long way, but we also want to do what we can to make things right. If we forgot to do something, how can we get it done and deal with the results of forgetting? If a plan doesn’t work, it’s time to regroup and try again. We help to rebuild trust when we do what we can to repair any damage that we’ve done.

After we have broken trust, we will have to continue to behave in a consistent, reliable manner until everyone feels comfortable again. It may take some time, so we need to be patient.

In summary, when we break trust, it’s important to acknowledge it, apologize, and do what we can to fix it. Then we continue to be trustworthy until whoever was affected decides that they can trust us again.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

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