Monthly Archives: July 2019

The Three Choices in Every Situation

30 Tuesday Jul 2019

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When faced with a situation, we have three choices:

  1. Accept the situation as it is
  2. Try and change the situation
  3. Flee

The choice that we pick will depend on the circumstances. Let’s say that I have a tedious boss who drives me crazy. I could decide to accept the situation. I love what I do, and my co-workers rock. I can accept meddling now and then from a micromanaging boss. Or perhaps I really need this job for now, and I can use mindfulness and positivity to help me manage my emotions.

However, if my boss is overbearing and making my life miserable every day, it might be a challenge to my mental health. The second choice is to try and change the situation. Maybe I could ask for a one-on-one discussion with her. I could use some of my stellar communication skills to find the fact and feeling parts of what is going on. It is probably worth a shot. It is possible that I could go down in flames during the discussion and change nothing. Then, maybe a trip to HR would be in order. In the end, I might not affect any change, but I can try. However, I don’t have to try and change it; that’s just one option.

If I can’t change the situation, and I can’t accept it as it is, it’s time to make plans to move on. Perhaps it’s time to start my own business. Maybe I could take an early retirement. There are several options when fleeing a job that I can’t stand, and fleeing doesn’t have to be done rashly.

When facing a situation that you don’t like, ask yourself these questions:

  1. Can I truly accept the situation as it is without harming my physical or mental health?
  2. What can I do to change this situation? Do I want to try and change it?
  3. How can I get out of this situation if I can’t accept or change it?

Remember: your circumstances, goals, and values will help you to make the best decision for you.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

How are you looking through your spyglass?

23 Tuesday Jul 2019

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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We all look at life through our own spyglass. It’s important to use our spyglass to help us keep a broad perspective on the events going on in our lives. If we maintain a big-picture view, small disappointments and challenges don’t seem that intimidating in the grand scheme of things.

However, sometimes when things are scary or overwhelming, we tend to flip the spyglass around and look into the big end. Try it with a real spyglass sometime! You will see only a small circle of whatever you are looking at in that moment. It looks as though that one small piece of the world is actually the entire world.

Let’s say that I didn’t get a job or promotion that I wanted. As a result, I focus completely on that one small piece of life. I’m looking into the big end of the spyglass, and I’m only seeing that “failure.” If I flip my spyglass around and look at the broader view of my life, I can see that not getting the job or promotion is just one small piece of my current situation. I’m free now to take on a better job that could be right around the corner. I have the opportunity to evaluate why I wasn’t the best fit for the job, and I can set new goals. I can also see all the times that I’ve been a success in my life! This disappointment isn’t a pattern; it’s just a learning experience.

We see more possibilities and put things in a better perspective when we look into the small end of our spyglass and see the widest view of the circumstances around us. Great leaders are adept at catching themselves when they are only seeing a small piece of a situation and then broadening their perspective to see the big picture.

When a proposal that I submit is not accepted, I sometimes sit around for an evening focusing on the “failure.” I generally spend a lot of time and energy creating a detailed proposal for an organization. After a reasonable bit of moping, I turn my spyglass around and look at all the great things going on in my life. I have steady work! I have friends! I have family! I have a roof over my head and a car that I adore! I am leading a blessed life. One “failure” does not define me; it’s merely a blip that proves I am getting out there and putting myself on the line for new consulting gigs. When I adopt a big-picture view, it’s easier to gain a balanced perspective.

If things feel hopeless and you don’t see many options, chances are that you are only seeing a fraction of what is going on in your life. Flip that spyglass around! Although a current circumstance can feel huge and overwhelming, it isn’t a complete picture of your life or who you are.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Wooing Resisters

16 Tuesday Jul 2019

Posted by in #Communication, Leadership, Leading Change, Uncategorized

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When talking about leading change in workshops, we spend some time talking about how to woo the resisters. There are always people who will be opposed to doing things in a different way.

As early into the change as possible, we want to ask for the input of resisters. Often, they have some valid concerns and can point out potential obstacles and challenges that an organization will face during a change. Sometimes, we can incorporate their observations into the change process. Sometimes, the change is set in stone, and all we can do is listen to their objections. It’s important to let the resister know what can and cannot be done.

When talking to resisters, we often hear a lot of complaints. They are very ready to share what is wrong. We want to find out what an ideal situation would look like to them by helping them to find the dream behind the complaint.

When we complain, we are telling others how reality is not meeting our personal expectations. We have a picture in our heads of how we want things to be that we don’t articulate and often can’t see clearly. As leaders, we want to help resisters clearly define the best situation for them.

We can start by asking them, “What needs are not being met?” We can also ask, “For what are you longing?” We want to get to the Essence-level feeling that the resisters are experiencing. Remember, every situation has a fact and a feeling part.

Then we want to get them to describe the ideal outcome for the current change. We can ask things like:

  • What would the ideal scenario look like?
  • What could be better?
  • Can you think of a metaphor that applies to this situation?
  • What is it like here in this ideal situation?

It’s important that we keep focusing on the dream, not the complaint. We are helping the resisters create a solution instead of dwelling on the problem. Once the resisters have clearly defined the situation that they want, it’s important to do a reality check. How much of the dream can be achieved in the current reality? Organizations have requirements, and team morale is always a consideration. We want to ask the resisters what they believe is reasonable and then share our answer to the same question. Finally, we want to ask the resisters, “What are you willing to contribute or commit to in order to make this happen?”

If a resister is in full resistance mode and unable to see anything positive about the situation, we can help. We can ask the resister to rate the current reality on a scale of 1-10. Let’s say that they rate the current situation at a 3. We would then ask, “What keeps it from being a 1?” We are asking them to tell us a few of the positive things that are going on right now.

Then we ask them to define one small change that would nudge their feeling about the situation up one number. Resisters don’t say “1” very often when asked to rate a situation, but if they do, ask them for one small change that would bring it up to a 2.

When facing a change, we all have a high dream and a low dream for the outcome. We hope for the best and fear the worst at the same time. Asking everyone to define their high and low dreams can help the group get through a change more easily. Once each person has defined his or her high and low dream, they go on to tell the group what would support the low dream and what would support the high dream. At the end of the discussion, the group has a simple list of do’s and don’ts that will help them help each other through the change.

When facing a change, the most important thing that a leader can do is listen. By meeting everyone’s personal needs to be listened to, understood, and respected, we are helping them to accept the change by ensuring they feel that their feelings, dreams, and expectations are not being ignored. We all want to be seen and feel that we have some bit of influence over the situations we find ourselves in.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Establishing a Group Identity

09 Tuesday Jul 2019

Posted by in Leadership, Motivation, Team Building, Uncategorized

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Defining a clear team or group identity is one way to create a culture that supports success. One of the best examples of creating a group identity comes from the book Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard. A young man named Paul Butler went to Saint Lucia to save the Saint Lucia parrot. The parrot was on the brink of extinction, and the people of Saint Lucia didn’t have strong feelings about the parrot. He had little money and no staff to help him. He created a campaign around the identity of the people of Saint Lucia. Specifically, his message was “We take care of our own.”

The campaign was wildly successful. The Saint Lucia parrot is now thriving. Paul Butler went on to work with a conservation organization called Rare, where he replicated the creation of a local identity over and over. Creating a specific identity is a hugely powerful tool for any group.

In a business setting, the people in the group get to decide who they want to be as a group. It’s important to write down and promote the group’s identity. The group can come up with a name, a mascot, and t-shirt designs. One group that I worked with decided that an octopus represented them, and they each had a stuffed octopus on their desks as a reminder of who they wanted to be as a group. It’s an opportunity for the group to express its uniqueness and create cohesiveness.

I start by having the group complete the sentence: We are people who… Once we have a list of qualities and actions, they decide what sort of animal or creature embodies those qualities. That discussion is usually a lot of fun and involves some very creative thinking.

Once the group has decided on a mascot, we move on to a name. Sometimes it is the name of the creature. One of the most creative groups I’ve had the pleasure to work with decided that a gryphon was the creature that represented them. A gryphon has the head, talons, and wings of an eagle, with the body of a lion. However, the gryphon seemed a little intimidating to some of the group, so they named it “Andy Gryphon” so that it would seem more friendly, like Andy Griffith.

When faced with a problem in the future, the group can ask, “What would Andy Gryphon do?” or “How would Andy Gryphon handle that problem?” The group has established a clear identity that reminds them of who they want to be and how they want to behave.

It is kind of fun to create an identity for a family, too. The discussion of who the group wants to be and how they want to be seen by others can be creative and enlightening.

The Torreys have always been people who take care of people smaller and weaker than themselves. We are a tall, strong, determined group of people who stand up for others. When my two-year-old granddaughter got frustrated with her not-yet-one brother, she gave him a push, which is normal behavior all around.

However, I took her hands in mine and looked her in the eye. I said in a stern voice, “We do not hurt people who are smaller than we are. That is not acceptable. You are a Torrey, and Torreys take care of people who are smaller and weaker than we are.”

She is a pretty smart two-year-old who got her first exposure to the group identity of the Torreys. If she continues with the behavior or does more than a gentle push, there will be more severe consequences. The same sequence of events would happen in a workplace. We start with gentle reminders and then move on to appropriate consequences for unacceptable behavior.

A group identity is a powerful motivator. When someone acts outside the group norm, the team will remind them, “That’s not who we are.” It’s a quick and easy guideline for a group – or family – to follow that gently helps us all stay on track.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Naming the Emotion

02 Tuesday Jul 2019

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Uncategorized

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In leadership workshops, we work on noticing and naming the emotions that we are feeling. Knowing what we are feeling and where we feel it in our bodies is a crucial part of self-awareness. Many of us are not aware of the emotions that influence our behavior.

In every conversation, there is a fact and a feeling part. Of course, we want to know what other people are feeling, but it’s also okay for us to share ours as long as we do it in an appropriate way. Telling people that we are frustrated, annoyed, elated, or excited invites them to share what they are feeling.

In life coach training we are taught to pay close attention to the emotions of our clients and to tell them what we notice. If someone talks loudly while scowling and making fists with their hands, I could say, “It seems like this situation makes you angry.” Usually, the client will check in with his or her emotions and then clarify them. The response might be, “I am not just angry; I am infuriated!”

Of course, the technique works just as well for what we consider to be positive emotions. I could say that a client sounds excited about a situation or opportunity. In addition to verifying excitement, the client often goes on to explain why he or she feels excited which deepens the conversation.

Naming the emotional field is a powerful tool during contentious conversations. Paying attention to someone’s negative emotion and naming it is a great way to keep ourselves from reacting without thinking.

Our neocortex is the advanced “adult” part of our brain. It covers the outside of our brain, and it’s where our self-control and creativity reside. When we get super angry, our neocortex disengages and the more primitive and emotional parts of our brain take over.

One way to get the neocortex to re-engage is to step back and become an observer of ourselves and the situation. We can ask ourselves things like:

  • Why might that person be provoking me?
  • What emotion is the other person feeling?
  • What emotion am I feeling?
  • What is triggering me about this situation?
  • Where am I feeling emotion in my body?
  • What is my ultimate [desired outcome]?

I saw the technique demonstrated in an HBO show that I was watching called Gentleman Jack. The series is based on the coded diaries of Anne Lister who lived in the 1800s. An article that I read said that they based a lot of the dialogue on her diaries. If that’s true, the woman had incredible emotional intelligence, and she was a master of naming the emotional field.

Someone she cared about asked her a baiting, sarcastic question in one episode. She paused, looked at the woman, and said something like, “I am trying to understand why you would make a hostile comment to me. What point are you trying to make?” I think I actually said out loud, “Way to go, Anne!” Fortunately, I was watching it by myself.

She didn’t take the bait. She didn’t get angry herself. She got curious! She named the emotion she observed and then asked a question. Brilliant! It’s a wonderful way to manage a person who is working to engage one in conflict.

Naming the emotional field requires being aware of our own emotions and the emotions of others. We can practice naming our own emotions by setting a timer that goes off throughout the day. Each time the alarm goes off, we pause to consider what we are feeling, where we are feeling it, and why we are experiencing that particular emotion.

In order to name other people’s emotions, we must pay attention to all the verbal and nonverbal cues presented. Then we make an educated guess. Our guess prompts people to check in and determine their true emotions. When they confirm or clarify what they are feeling, we’ve moved the conversation forward and begun to figure out what is really going on.

The feeling part of the conversation holds most of the clues that will lead to a solution or resolution. Exceptional leaders can mine for those clues while managing their own emotions. Instead of a brawl or a standoff, a great leader can create a dialogue that maintains the positivity of the relationship.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.