Monthly Archives: June 2017

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Pulling It All Together

27 Tuesday Jun 2017

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Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability
  8. Your Choice

 Yay! We’ve talked about all seven pillars of Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model. In the beginning, we discussed the fact that fewer than 20% of Americans are satisfied with life and functioning well. Many of us are getting by, but we aren’t truly flourishing. When we look at the model, it’s easy to see why – many of the pillars are challenging. I myself would say that I am not doing great in several areas.

The first step in moving forward is to figure out where we are now. We can use Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model Wheel to get a snapshot of our lives in relation to the pillars. You can download a blank copy of the Wheel from my website; it’s under the “Free Stuff” tab.

First, we want to rate each pillar on the Wheel on a scale of 0 to 10.

10—You couldn’t be more satisfied with where you are at this point in your life. You are right on track.

5—It’s OK, but there are some changes that you could make here and feel more satisfied.

0—There is no fulfillment in this area. You would be much happier if everything about this category was different.

Then we mark our ratings on the Wheel.  If we write down a 10 for a category, we make a line along the outer edge of the circle. If we write down a 5 in a category, we make a line across the piece about halfway between the outer edge of the circle and the center. If we have a 0 in a category, we draw a small line right by the center point where all the pieces meet.

Kathy Bloom and Flourish Wheel filled in

Here is my current Wheel. I feel pretty good about the Peaceful Base pillar. There are always things to simplify and organize, but I’m happy with my Peaceful Base, so I ranked it a 9. My Physical Health isn’t great compared to people who haven’t had brain surgery, but I feel I’m as healthy as I can be, so that pillar also gets a 9. I very much like what I do and create, so Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning also gets a 9.

I have not been consistent in my meditation lately, and I’m feeling a bit negative, so the Positivity Spiral gets a rank of 6. I discussed my failings around creating a local community, so Positive Relationships gets a 5, but I’m already working on that one! I am not as conversant with God as I would like, so I will rate my Spiritual Connectedness at 8. I feel that I do not earn what I could and don’t manage my money as wisely as I could, so I rate the Financial Stability pillar a 7.

I’m sure that you noticed that there are eight pieces on the Wheel and only seven pillars. That last blank piece is one that you fill in. Is there something that you need to bloom and flourish that isn’t covered under the other pillars? Cheryl Richardson, a nationally-known life coach, often writes about her requirement for beauty and nature in her life. Do you need to be surrounded by beautiful things? Then you could label the last pillar “Beauty.” Do you crave being in nature? If so, you make your final pillar “Nature.” If you need both, your final pillar could be “Beauty and Nature.” It’s totally up to you!

I thought for a while about whether or not I needed something else that would be my final pillar. I realized that it is “Plants.” When the weather permits, I love to be outside doing things in the yard. I also like lots of plants in the house. Looking at green plants and colorful flowers has a relaxing effect on me. When I am not surrounded by plants, I am not in the same peaceful state that I’m in when I can see live, growing greenery and flowers. I’ve got quite a few plants inside and out that I love, so I rate my own Plant pillar an 8.

You get to decide whether or not you want an additional pillar. Most hobbies and creations fit in the Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning pillar, but it’s your Wheel, and you can put whatever you want on it. If you feel you must paint, draw, or sculpt and believe those need separate recognition, go for it!

In the beginning of this series, I said that, like all worthwhile achievements, creating a life of meaning and satisfaction would require work. It does! If we just let ourselves be blown around by life’s events, we are like a leaf in the wind; we don’t have control over where we go, and we can get pretty beat up.

We want to be a sailboat that uses the winds in our lives to move in the direction we want to go. There is a goals and commitments page included with the Wheel that you can download. There you can write out specific things that you want to accomplish for each pillar. Using Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model helps you to create the foundation that you need to launch out into the world and stay on course to create a life that you love living.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. You can go further faster with a great coach!

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Financial Stability

19 Monday Jun 2017

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Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

Finance is not my area of expertise, and I won’t be making any investment recommendations. The key piece of this pillar is to live within your means so that you don’t spend emotional energy on worrying about money and bills.

I know, that’s easier said than done. Housing costs alone are enough to make a person crazy! Someone making $16 an hour and working full-time makes $2,560 a month before taxes. No one can live on their own without a roommate or help on that much money.

My first suggestion is to create a useful mindset around money. It’s a tool. We sometimes give it a lot of emotional power and think of money as the enemy. There are lots of resources out there to help you change your feelings about money. My parents fought about money all the time, and as a result, I had terribly negative feelings about money for much of my life. That mindset did not serve me. It is a subject that I still don’t embrace, but I’m better about it than I used to be. Once you have a healthy emotional relationship with money, it’s easier to realize that you control it, not the other way around.

Second, wave around the Magic Wand of Destiny and use a budget to gain control. Take a hard look and what comes in and what goes out. Then, make intentional choices based on what’s most important to you.

 Third, get creative. The tiny house movement is a great example of people thinking outside the box. I’m a fan of Tiny House Nation, a show about people building customized tiny houses to live in. The most common reason that people give for going tiny is financial freedom. They want to own a home and still have enough money to travel – and eat!

My final suggestion is hard-won wisdom: stay self-sufficient by keeping your hand in the workforce and creating a credit history. Creating a credit history isn’t too difficult. Even when I was a stay-at-home mom, I put the utilities in my name and had a credit card. Those two things helped me to create a good credit history. I didn’t do as well at maintaining a career.

I always believed that I would easily jump back into the workforce after staying home with my children. Times change, and so did our economy. In my late 50s, I am faced with the stark realization that I am not fully self-sufficient. It’s maddening and frustrating.

Keep in mind that we don’t need a ton of money to have financial stability. The goal is to minimize our worry and stress around money so that we can truly bloom and flourish in all areas of our lives. I’m not stressed about money — just taking positive action toward more financial stability. I am thinking that I might like living in a tiny house!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 (Two-Minute) Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Spiritual Connectedness

13 Tuesday Jun 2017

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Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

The pillar of Spiritual Connectedness could be considered controversial if we try to define the best way to achieve it. Spiritual Connectedness is a very personal creation. I’ve got a diverse group of friends, and I see them experience spiritual connectedness in many different ways. For the purposes of the the Bloom and Flourish Model, there is no one correct way to achieve Spiritual Connectedness.

Spiritual Connectedness is the feeling of being in communication with and supported by a higher power. Here is a definition of spirituality that I like from an article on the University of Maryland Medical Center’s web page (http://www.umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/treatment/spirituality):

Spirituality has been defined in numerous ways, including a belief in a power operating in the universe that is greater than oneself, a sense of interconnectedness with all living creatures, and an awareness of the purpose and meaning of life and the development of persona, values. It’s the way you find meaning, hope, comfort, and inner peace in your life. Although spirituality is often associated with religion, personal spirituality can also be developed through music, art, or a connection with nature. People also find spirituality through acts of compassion and selflessness, altruism, and the experience of inner peace.

The article also gives a lot of good information on the health benefits of Spiritual Connectedness.

Although Spiritual Connectedness can be experienced in many ways, it must have one component to support blooming and flourishing. The people who I know and the ones whom I have coached who flourish all have one thing in common, their spirituality includes a feeling of expansiveness and love for their fellow human beings. They have an attitude of acceptance and inclusion that is present in all areas of their lives.

There is also a comfort in talking to a higher power. I decided a long time ago that God must be like a parent in that He loves and cares for us, but cannot keep us from every harm. That perspective makes sense to me. Remember, your view may be different, and that is perfectly fine. I don’t expect you to drop your spiritual beliefs in favor of mine. What’s important is that each of us experiences love and support from a higher power.

A strong sense of Spiritual Connectedness also supports several of the other pillars of Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model. A strong spiritual community provides us with the positive relationships and community required in the Positive Relationships pillar. Spiritual Connectedness can also provide purpose and meaning to our lives, which supports the Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning pillar. The article quoted above cites many health benefits of a strong sense of spirituality, which supports the Physical Health pillar.

For me to bloom and flourish, my Spiritual Connectedness includes a belief that there is grand plan for me and the world. So many things in the world don’t make sense. Having faith that there is a purpose for the experiences that we all have, even if I don’t see the reason or understand it, comforts me.

Finally, death is not something I fear because I believe there is an afterlife – that we continue to exist without our bodies. I know a couple of people who truly fear death, and they spend a lot of emotional energy and time trying to stay healthy in unhealthy ways. Every small symptom is a crisis and a threat. It’s another exhausting way to live that prevents embracing life and flourishing.

Spiritual Connectedness is finding your own peace around the existence of a higher power. I like the way that the University of Michigan Medical Center article sums up Spiritual Connectedness: “It’s the way you find meaning, hope, comfort, and inner peace in your life.” What’s most important is finding your own way.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Positive Relationships

06 Tuesday Jun 2017

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Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

The Physical Health pillar is difficult for me because of circumstances outside of my control; I had brain surgery in 2009 that left me with some physical challenges. However, I have no excuse for my failure in the Positive Relationships pillar. I know how important it is to have community and positive relationships in order to bloom and flourish because at this moment in time, my supportive community is not complete, and I’m not flourishing!

I moved to Huntsville, AL, in 2012, and I have done an abysmal job of creating a community of supportive, positive relationships. My biggest obstacle is I Can Do It Myself Syndrome (ICDIMS). I’ve battled it all my life! Somewhere along the way, I determined that not everyone is super reliable and that depending on others is a sign of weakness, which led to this syndrome. Neither of these perspectives is especially useful. Neither is ICDIMS.

Awareness is the first step! We talked about beliefs back in March when we talked about our Frame of Reference (https://tinyurl.com/yae5t29q). It took me a while to identify ICDIMS and its underlying beliefs, but I finally got there. It took a lot of questions and coaching.

I haven’t always suffered from ICDIMS. When I was an active-duty Army spouse, I had friends that I relied on. When my Mom was dying, friends picked up my children from school, fed them, and had them sleep over. It was such a warm and comforting feeling to be surrounded by people who cared and were supportive. I miss that feeling.

So far, I’ve made it sound like I am alone in the world, and that is not true. I have a wonderful group of supportive friends and family that I rely on. The problem is that none of them live in Huntsville with me. My sister and youngest son live in Texas. My other son and his wife are in Virginia.  I have dear friends in North Carolina who I miss and value highly. Most days, I talk with a friend and fellow coach who lives in Pennsylvania. Another close friend lives in Maryland.

These people all offer support and kicks in the butt when needed. I love and depend on them all. They allow me some level of flourishing, and they keep me from being a complete failure at the Positive Relationship pillar of Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model. They also save me from feeling alone.

However, to truly flourish, we need optimal circumstances, and that means having a full range of positive relationships, including ones with people who live near us. We need friends to do stuff with! We want people who can pick us up when we take our car to the shop or when we lock our keys in the car. A movie is way more fun to watch when we watch it with someone whom we can chat with about what we saw. In truth, we can’t do it all ourselves. ICDIMS is a syndrome, not a truth.

Friendships are not only people helping us. In order to get good friends, we have to be  good friends. Positive relationships take an investment of time and emotional energy. We also get to be the one who picks up a friend from the car repair shop or hospital. We make calls and ask people to lunch. We take the time to meet for coffee and listen to friends’ frustrations and accomplishments.

I have some friends who are very thoughtful. They remember birthdays and send notes. I like those kinds of friends, but I am not one of them. That’s OK. We get to be a good friend to others in our own way. Some of my friends nurture with food. I love those friends. I am not a cook and hence not that kind of friend, either.

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman gives us a good framework for positive relationships. Different things are important to different people. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. If a friend or significant other gives you a gift, his or her love language may be receiving gifts.

We experience a disconnect when our love languages don’t match. For example, gifts don’t mean much to me, and neither do flowery words about how great I am. For me, it’s quality time and acts of service. I tell you that I care by spending time with you or helping you move. Spending time with me without looking at your phone and engaging in conversation touches my heart, not flowers or knickknacks.

Positive relationships are easier to create and maintain when we are aware of our own love language preferences and the preferences of our friends and loved ones. If words of affirmation are important to someone, we want to be sure and meet that need in our relationship.

We don’t want to run around trying to create positive relationships with everyone! We need to be selective. We want positive people who we can depend on most of the time. It’s taken me a while to accept the fact that no one is reliable 100% of the time. They all have their own lives and priorities. We are humans with a limited amount of time to manage. I am one of them with the same flaws. However, our support team should always be people who we trust. Trust is the fundamental quality of great positive relationships.

When starting from scratch to create a supportive community, it’s a good a idea to find people with similar interests. Once again, my Mom was an excellent role model. She lived with us for the last ten years of her life, and as a military family, we moved a lot. When we got to a new place, she joined local hiking clubs, counted birds with the local Audubon Society, found quilting groups, and offered to babysit for new neighbors. She found friends faster than I did, and I had military support groups waiting at every new place.

I am working on this pillar! I’m waving around my Magic Wand of Destiny and creating new relationships in Huntsville, and I’m recreating relationships there that I’ve let weaken. I started going to networking events and mastermind groups, where I am beginning to develop some friendships.

I know how important it is to have a supportive community physically around you, because I don’t have it right now. However, I control my future with the intentional choices that I make now. If you want me, I will be waving around my Magic Wand of Destiny to overcome ICDIMS and having lunch with a friend.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.