Monthly Archives: November 2020

Kindness Matters

17 Tuesday Nov 2020

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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November 13 was World Kindness Day. The various posts about kindness reminded me that kindness is an essential leadership quality.

Leaders often push back at the idea that kindness matters. They say, “I don’t have to be kind. I’m not their best friend!” True, we definitely should not be an employee’s best friend.

However, we don’t have to be someone’s friend to be kind to them. Holding high standards for someone while being respectful is expecting excellence while showing kindness.

Parenting is a good example. As children grow up, parents maintain high expectations and standards for them. There are consequences if the children don’t live up to those standards. The parents aren’t helping the children by letting them get away with less than their best. Parents deeply want their children to be successful.

That’s the same perspective we want to have with employees. We care about them and their success, so we set clear expectations and standards. Then we hold them to those standards. Being kind doesn’t make us a pushover.

Sometimes it helps to imagine how we would want someone to talk to us about one of our mistakes or less-than-perfect performance. Would we respond best to someone intent on making us feel bad about our poor performance?

We would not. Shaming can be an effective short-term motivator, but it doesn’t inspire ongoing excellence. We want our employees to be successful. Our success as leaders depends on the success of the people who work with us.

One of our primary goals as leaders is to create positive relationships and create personal influence. Both of those things are really impossible to create unless we are kind to people.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

State a Positive Need

10 Tuesday Nov 2020

Posted by in coaching

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It’s not uncommon for us to complain about things. Humans are hardwired to notice and remember things that they see as wrong.

Sometimes we see something that isn’t efficient enough or an action that challenges our value system. Maybe someone’s thoughtlessness sets us off.

Complaining is natural – and not terribly useful.

If we are having a disagreement and I only tell you what’s annoying me, you have to guess at what would make me happy. It’s not the most efficient way to resolve a disagreement.

Most of life works better if we state a positive need, rather than just our complaint. For example, we can complain about the way someone writes a report or loads the dishwasher – or we can show an example of a well-written report or demonstrate the way we’d like the dishwasher loaded.

In workshops, I give the group a simple map and then tell them which turns not to take as they plot a course. They rarely get from the start to the finish when I only tell them what not to do.

Once I give explicit directions, tell them exactly when to turn and in which direction, they get to the finish easily. We can’t just tell people what not to do; we must tell them what “right” looks like.

In fact, many leaders insist that employees state a positive need. When someone comes into their office complaining about something, the leader asks for a solution. Everyone learns to create a possible solution before lodging a complaint.

It’s also important for leaders to model the behavior. Unfortunately, many leaders don’t take the time to figure out and share what the ideal situation looks like.

They just tell their employees when they aren’t doing it right, which leads to frustration on both sides. We must clearly define what success looks like and then help people achieve it.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Remember the Feeling

03 Tuesday Nov 2020

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Motivation

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It seems that motivation is pretty thin on the ground for a lot of people right now – myself included! It’s time to pull out a trick from the leadership bag.

One of my goals is to clean the kitchen each evening before I go to bed. Lately, I haven’t been doing such a great job.

I just can’t find the motivation to get myself up off the sofa and do the dinner dishes. It really doesn’t take very long, but it’s the starting that seems beyond me.

When I do get the kitchen sink shiny in the evening, it’s great to walk into the kitchen in the morning. It’s all clean, and everything is ready to go. I don’t have to clear the sink or move things around. I can hit the ground running.

Walking into a clean and orderly kitchen is wonderful. I feel like I’m already winning the day. I am proud of myself for doing the hard task the night before, and I save a lot of time. The first task of the day isn’t an uphill climb to the coffee maker.

It’s important to fully embody the fabulous feeling of being greeted by a sparkling kitchen – really pay attention to where I feel it in my body. The goal is to be able to recreate it on command.

The trick is to call up the feeling when I’m sitting on the sofa in the evening and inertia has me in its grip. I close my eyes and remember the feeling I get when I walk into a clean and shiny kitchen in the morning.

That feeling of accomplishment is very strong. I want to recreate it. It’s such a great way to start the day. Remembering the feeling is a great motivator.

Running can create a runner’s high that the runner wants to experience again and again. In the same way, the positive feeling that Future Kathy gets when Past Kathy does the dishes can be a little addictive – and something we can use to our advantage.

Waking to a clean kitchen is just one example. It could be the great feeling of getting a report in on time or being fully prepared for a negotiation. It could be the awesome freedom during the weekend if you get your blog written early.

The trick is to remember the feeling of success and focus on it fully. If the feeling is strong enough, motivation to do the task will follow.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.