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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: November 2018

Developing Empathy and Care

27 Tuesday Nov 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Mindfulness, Uncategorized

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#agreatleadercares, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #LovingKindness

PEA 600 px

Not everyone on the planet is lovable. A few aren’t all that likeable. Keep in mind that this is “lovable” and “likeable” from our own perspective. Individuals that we don’t care for at all usually have a few people who love them to pieces.

In our personal lives, it’s a good idea to eschew people who do not share our fundamental values or are mean-spirited. We come to be like the five people that we hang around the most. Choose wisely. It’s okay to create distance between ourselves and people who are negative and make us feel bad.

However, at work we don’t get to choose with whom we interact. Negative, callous coworkers and bosses are always a challenge. They are also pervasive; it doesn’t do a lot of good to leave one organization because another set of negative people will be waiting at the next place.

More challenging still is the fact that great leaders care about everyone in the organization. The adage “People don’t care what you know until they know that you care” is true. One of the ways that leaders create personal influence is by truly caring about the health and welfare of their peers, employees, and bosses.

In workshops, I get a lot of pushback on this topic. “How could I possibly care about this person?” they cry. There is a way to create empathy for everyone, but it requires some work and determination. I remind them that no one said that it was easy to become an exceptional leader.

One of the best ways to shift our attitudes and feelings about even the most unlovable people is the Loving Kindness Meditation. Its results are well-researched. Loving Kindness Meditation increases our empathy for others, as well as our feelings of friendliness and compassion.

The meditation is easy. There are no right or wrong ways to do it, but there are guidelines. You can search online and find all types of Loving Kindness Meditations. Many of my participants like the Christian versions. What’s important is that we create statements to use in the meditation that have the most power and meaning for us.

Basically, during the Loving Kindness Meditation, we say three or four phrases to ourselves first. The most important thing is to create and hold onto feelings of friendliness, joy, compassion, and expansiveness as you say the phrases. Here is an example:

  • May I be filled with loving kindness.
  • May I be well in body and mind.
  • May I be at ease and happy.

Then, we say the same phrases while thinking of someone with whom we feel close. We start by thinking, “May [name of loved one] be filled with loving kindness.” It’s important to hold onto the positive feeling while thinking each phrase about our loved ones. Then, we move on to someone that we feel neutral about, someone we don’t really care for, and finally everyone in the world. Use the same three to four phrases each time.

Research shows that this specific type of meditation also increases positivity – which is another important foundation for the lives of leaders. A positive attitude motivates others and increases workplace morale.

In case you need some more motivation to take on this daily practice, here are some more benefits that result from an increase in positivity: increased resiliency, increased satisfaction with life, less inflammation in your body, increased broad-mindedness, increased immunity to viruses, better ability to connect with others, less depression, and better focus. Wow! That’s quite a list! Who doesn’t want all that?

This practice can be a game changer in our lives. We will see results with 10 minutes of meditation five or six times a week. The challenge is to incorporate Loving Kindness Meditation into our lives for eight weeks. By then, we should see results that will have positive effects in both our personal and professional lives. Remember, the key is to hold on to positive and expansive feelings while thinking the phrases. The words alone won’t create any change.

Empathy and caring are skills that we can develop. The ability to see a person as a person and not a nuisance or a bother is crucial for leaders. We can’t influence or motivate someone until we have created a positive relationship with him or her. Ultimately, a leader’s job is to help everyone to be successful – that’s a lot easier on both sides if we genuinely care about the people we are helping.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Holiday Conversation Outline

20 Tuesday Nov 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Effective Conflict, Emotional Intelligence, Uncategorized

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#conflict, #holidayconversationoutline, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #noneedtoagree, #peacefulfamlydinner

holiday conversation outline

I’ve talked about an effective outline for conversations in the past. Discussions at work usually require some sort of agreement. Many personal conversations do, as well. However, holiday discussions over a turkey rarely require agreement and an action plan to move forward. Keeping this in mind can help us create a peaceful and enjoyable holiday.

Let’s go through a holiday version of the Conversation Outline.

Open. The opening happens when one person brings up a topic. When acting in a leadership position, we want to make sure the topic is focused and clear. Holiday openings made by anyone at the table can be a messier affair.

We can help to start the conversation in a positive way by avoiding assumptions and getting curious. If Aunt Joan says, “People with tattoos shouldn’t be allowed to get food stamps,” she is opening a conversation. Instead of disagreeing immediately and assuming what she means by that comment, we could better serve the group by getting curious.

We could ask, “Aunt Joan, what connection is there between tattoos and receiving food stamps?” Now, our nonverbals our key here. If we ask with the slightest hint of sarcasm or disapproval, all is lost! Curiosity is our guiding light. Why does she think there is a link between tattoos and food stamps? Don’t make assumptions. Ask!

Once we have a clearer picture of her objection, we have our topic of conversation.

Discover and Share. This is the most important step in a conversation. We often skip this step and move straight to positional arguing about the best thing to do.

In Discover and Share, we take time to listen fully by being completely present and listening for understanding. We pay attention to the words being said, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. We are curious about everything and ask a lot of questions.

Giving focused attention to someone is a gift. We don’t often feel like we are in the spotlight of someone’s attention, even though we like being seen and heard.

It’s very important to be curious about both the fact and feeling parts of another person’s stance. We usually focus solely on the facts. We can get a lot further along in knowing another person if we ask about their feelings, as well. We could say to Aunt Joan, “This topic seems to make you angry. What about this makes you mad?” Many of our most closely held beliefs aren’t logical and can’t be swayed by logical arguments. Understanding a person’s feelings is the key to understanding the person.

During holiday gatherings, we can keep the sharing part to a minimum. It’s imperative that we keep in mind that we are not trying to change anyone’s mind about anything. We are listening to understand and creating positive relationships. If we manage to offer a perspective the other person hasn’t thought about, it’s a bonus – but not the goal.

The chances of changing Aunt Joan’s mind are minimal at this point. We are giving her the gift of our attention. The greatest gift that we can  give is our time and attention.

Develop Solutions. In business, we begin brainstorming once we have all the facts and feelings on the table. I see it as a funnel that begins with a wide variety of options and slowly narrows down to the best choice.

With family and friends, we can participate in this step if everyone else thinks it would be fun. Coming up with outlandish possibilities to challenges discussed can be enjoyable. It can also be a nightmare. If we start handing possible solutions to Aunt Joan, who is an argumentative person, she is likely to get defensive.

During this phase when acting as a leader, it’s important to continually ask what is best for the people involved in the decision – whether that is a couple, a team, a family, or an organization. Developing Solutions at a holiday gathering is COMPLETELY OPTIONAL.

Agree. Ignore this step entirely! Most holiday discussions at the dinner table do not require agreement. Accept that families can offer us some of the best opportunities for personal growth. We get to practice letting others be themselves without any effort on our part to change them. One conversation with us isn’t going to transform Aunt Joan into an open-minded, empathetic person. We get to practice listening to her fully and allowing her to be who she chooses to be.

Close. If we did need to agree on how to move forward, we would now check to make sure that everyone was on board, and we would explicitly state the agreement. Since we didn’t require agreement, we don’t have anything to clarify.

However, we can close by summarizing what we learned about the other person’s feelings and perspective.

The Discover and Share step of the conversation is the most important step. Holiday gatherings give us the chance to practice being curious without the pressure of coming to an agreement. Bonus: We create a more positive relationship with friends and family. Our holiday gift to the world can be to make each person we talk with feel listened to, understood, and respected.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

The Overconfidence Effect

13 Tuesday Nov 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #OverconfidenceEffect, #seethebigpicture

Rubin's Vase 600 px

The Overconfidence Effect sends a chill down my spine. It says that the more certain you are of something, the more likely it is that you are wrong.

Is that not one of the scariest things you have ever heard? It means that I, a person who makes swift and confident decisions, could often be wrong!

The Overconfidence Effect happens most often when we don’t see all the various perspectives of a situation. In other words, we are not seeing the big picture.

The Rubin’s vase above is an excellent example. If you said it is a picture of a vase, you would be right. It is a picture of a vase. However, I might say that it is a picture of two faces, and I would also be right. We could stand yelling at each other in defense of our facts, but both of us are correct.

However, neither one of us is seeing the entire picture. Rubin’s vase is both a picture of two faces and a picture of a vase. It’s a great metaphor for life. If we are very certain of something, we are probably missing the big picture.

So, the next time that you feel absolutely certain about something, pause and take a step back. Are you seeing the entire picture? Is there another way of looking at this situation that is equally valid? Keep in mind that anyone who disagrees with you also has a reason. It’s a good idea to find out what that reason is so that you can make a decision based on the complete picture.


For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

Noticing the Good

06 Tuesday Nov 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Positivity, Uncategorized

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Tags

#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #noticingthegood, Positivity

noticing good 600 px

Human beings are hardwired to notice and remember the negative things that happen in life. However, we are not doomed to dwell on the less than desirable events of life. We can choose intentionally to change our focus.

As leaders, we want to develop positive relationships. In order to do that, we have to maintain a positivity ratio of at least 5:1. In other words, we must have about five positive interactions with a person for every negative interaction that we have.

In order to maintain a 5:1 ratio, we need to be noticing and commenting on what is going right all the time! It can be a challenge because leaders are trained to look for and comment on problems. However, research on motivation tells us that commenting positively and showing appreciation for a job well done is very effective.

When I first began my quest to create positive relationships, I noticed that I wasn’t regularly saying even one nice thing to my family members in a day. I began to intentionally make one positive comment daily about something that each family member was doing or a quality they had that I admired.

At first, they were suspicious. They wondered, “What is Mom up to?” I kept doing it, and after a while, they began saying positive things to me and each other. The entire family dynamic improved.

We begin to create positive relationships by noticing what is going right both at work and at home. If we see someone doing something that we would like to see them do again, we should comment on it positively. We want to show gratitude for effort and action. The results are astounding!


For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

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