Tag Archives: Positivity

Creating Positive Relationships

14 Tuesday May 2019

Posted by in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Positivity, Uncategorized

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One of the essential elements of extraordinary leadership is the ability to create and maintain positive relationships. In fact, we are happier and more successful as parents, spouses, friends, family members, and humans if we are amidst positive relationships. As leaders, we cannot cultivate the personal power that we need to motivate others unless we can create positive relationships. You can read more about the power of positivity and positive relationships here.

Research shows we need at least a five-to-one ratio of positive interactions to not-positive interactions in order to maintain a positive relationship. In one study, simply asking a student how homework was going was considered a negative interaction. Wow. That sets the bar for a positive interaction pretty high. The reality is that we don’t have a lot of positive interactions with others.

I first realized how few positive things that I was saying to others when my sons were in high school. I was in my coach training with the Coaches Training Institute. We had talked about the power of appreciation and acknowledgments. I realized that some days, I didn’t say even one nice thing to my children. I committed to saying at least one nice thing a day to each of them.

This tactic is a great way to start creating positive relationships. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but it is doable. It’s essential that the acknowledgment or appreciation be sincere. Bad nonverbal communication can kill a nice statement. Any hint of sarcasm will sabotage your efforts. Start by saying things that you truly believe.

The comments must never be about the appearance of a person; that is a compliment and not what we are going for. We want to say something meaningful about the person, which is an acknowledgment. Our other option is to show appreciation for an action. For me, appreciation is easier, so I started with that.

When I saw my sons doing something that I wanted to see them do again, I made a statement about it. I said things like, “Thank you for putting your dishes in the sink. I really appreciate it.” I meant it! I did appreciate them putting the dishes in the sink. I appreciated when they put away their laundry, drove safely, helped each other, and mowed the grass.

After telling them what I appreciated, I then told them why. The why is an important piece of the appreciation message. I was grateful when they mowed the lawn because it was an enormous effort for me that wiped me out for the rest of the day when I did it. I appreciated them putting the dishes in the sink because it made cleaning up after meals much faster – and I didn’t like that task any more than they did.

People are more likely to repeat the action when you comment on it in a positive way. They know you like it, and they like being appreciated. Maybe they never saw it as important before and now realize it’s a big deal to you. For whatever reason, people do things more often when they feel that those things are appreciated. Appreciation also builds the overall positivity of a relationship. It’s a win-win.

Acknowledgments are more difficult and more powerful. When we give someone an acknowledgment, we are commenting on positive qualities of that person – not their actions or their appearance – though an acknowledgment can begin by noticing an action. After all, we show our qualities through our actions.

I could say, “I saw you helping your brother with his physics homework. You are a kind person who takes time to help others.” Here is another example: “I was watching you work out in the driveway. You really are consistent in your exercising, and you are getting stronger. I admire your willpower and determination.”

It’s essential that the things we say are true. We can’t run around saying things we don’t mean. Trust me, people can tell if you are insincere. As I looked for positive things to say to my sons who were and are outstanding human beings, I wasn’t making things up. All their great qualities were there. Some I was aware of. Others I noticed for the first time as I began to really pay attention to who my sons were.

The sad part is that I had not told them much of the good I saw and felt for them. I’m not sure why. Part of the reason harkens back to the fact that we are hardwired to notice and hang on to the negative. Noticing the good around us is not something that comes naturally or that we are trained to do. I’m sure the fact that they were surly teenagers was also a contributing factor. Also, I just wasn’t very good at sharing feelings. Looking for positive actions and the good in others is a new habit that we must form. Forming new habits takes work.

I started by saying one positive thing a day. Weirdly enough, it was difficult, and I would forget my intention. However, over time giving appreciation and acknowledgments got easier. It felt more natural. I was in the habit of looking for good things and commenting on them. Believe me, that is huge! The ability to easily and naturally see the positive qualities and actions of others is crucial for great leadership.

My two sons were suspicious of my new behavior at first. I was talking to them in a different way suddenly. I’m sure that they wondered what I was up to. I told them after a bit. Transparency is usually the best way to go. I told them that I was working to notice and comment on the good things around me and that they were definitely some of the best things around me.

A delightful outcome that I didn’t see coming was that my high school-aged sons began saying nice things back. They told me when they appreciated things I was doing. They even pointed out some of my strengths. I cannot begin to express how touching that is. The dynamics of our relationships changed for the better.

Violá! We created positive relationships by increasing our number of positive interactions. When I say something positive about someone, it is positive for both of us, and vice versa. The boys and I enjoyed each other’s company more and increased our level of trust, which led to more meaningful conversations.

Saying one positive thing to someone every day is a simple way to begin to create a positive relationship. Man, there is no better way to decrease our expenditure of emotional pennies than to create positive relationships. The results are extraordinary, which is what we are looking for in extraordinary leadership.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Working at Renewal

30 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Mindfulness, Positivity

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I had a revelation while meditating one morning.  It wasn’t a World-Altering Revelation.  It was more of a Well-That-Will-Make-Life-Better Revelation.  Frankly, I have those pretty often because I’m a thinker, an analyzer, a how-can-we-make-this-easier kind of person who usually has her brain turned on and in high gear.

I don’t meditate as regularly as I’d like, but I’m working on it in light of research by Richard Boyatzis, coauthor of Primal Leadership.  He found that one of the antidotes for leadership burnout is mindfulness and that can be achieved with meditation.  (In case you are wondering, the other avenues of renewal are compassion, playfulness, and hope.)  The key in all categories of renewal is that you must do at least one from any category EVERY DAY!  You have to work at rejuvenation!

Well, that isn’t exactly true and the idea of “working” at meditation was altered by my morning revelation.  I’ve always looked at meditation as an exercise in self-discipline and mind control.  The goal is a sort of Vulcan-like ability to stay laser-focused during meditation.  The result is the ability to carry that focus and calm out into the world.  Don’t get me wrong, self-discipline is important; it’s one of the major pieces of Emotional Intelligence, but it wasn’t helping me on the renewal front as a way to meditate.  Convincing my brain to sit still and be quiet is exhausting, not rejuvenating!

I discovered my new way of viewing meditation by accident.  I was trying different mantras and imagined what words or sounds my leadership series participants would come up with if I had them do this exercise with me.  With each inflow and outflow of breath, I could hear them thinking, “Hate…… this” or “Help….. me.”  They have resisted my meditation exercises in the past.

Then I started thinking of things I could suggest to them instead.  I started with:  “Love…. Joy,” “Peace…. Harmony,” “Calm…. Life.”  Then I started getting silly: “Puppies…. Kittens,” “Sweet-smelling….. Babies,” “Brilliant… flowers.”  I was reminded of the pictures that I flashed up on the big screen during one of our sessions.  I showed them cute puppies, adorable babies, alluring kittens, and beautiful flowers to let them feel a Positive Emotional Attractor state (PEA) – a term used by Boyatzis to describe a state when we are more open to influence and more creative.  I’ve called it “Finding Your Happy Place” in the past, but now I think it’s more accurate to describe it as “Relaxing Into Your Happy Place.”

 

It occurred to me that getting into the PEA was the real fuel for renewal.  I felt lighter, happier, and more relaxed as I continued to visualize happy thoughts. I maintained the focus on the feelings I was having, and it felt like I was activating my heart.  I like that phrase – activating your heart.

The lovely side effect of activating the heart is that it deactivates the brain.  When I focus on feeling, it’s really hard to think.  What I realized is that for meditation to have a regenerative effect for me, it must be an exercise in feeling and activating the heart.  Once my heart is in the driver’s seat, my brain really can get some rest and that results in me being a calmer, nicer person.

Now that I think about it, this revelation could lead to a more positive world if we all managed to improve our outlook and increase our positivity through heart-activating meditation.  Maybe it was a World-Altering Revelation after all.

Noticing the Good

06 Tuesday Nov 2018

Posted by in Leadership, Positivity, Uncategorized

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Human beings are hardwired to notice and remember the negative things that happen in life. However, we are not doomed to dwell on the less than desirable events of life. We can choose intentionally to change our focus.

As leaders, we want to develop positive relationships. In order to do that, we have to maintain a positivity ratio of at least 5:1. In other words, we must have about five positive interactions with a person for every negative interaction that we have.

In order to maintain a 5:1 ratio, we need to be noticing and commenting on what is going right all the time! It can be a challenge because leaders are trained to look for and comment on problems. However, research on motivation tells us that commenting positively and showing appreciation for a job well done is very effective.

When I first began my quest to create positive relationships, I noticed that I wasn’t regularly saying even one nice thing to my family members in a day. I began to intentionally make one positive comment daily about something that each family member was doing or a quality they had that I admired.

At first, they were suspicious. They wondered, “What is Mom up to?” I kept doing it, and after a while, they began saying positive things to me and each other. The entire family dynamic improved.

We begin to create positive relationships by noticing what is going right both at work and at home. If we see someone doing something that we would like to see them do again, we should comment on it positively. We want to show gratitude for effort and action. The results are astounding!

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

Cancel that order!

21 Tuesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Resilience, Uncategorized

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My sister and I talked about a way to change thought patterns a while back. It’s a technique that I made up called Cancel that order! I talk about it at the beginning of my leadership series as a part of our emotional intelligence discussion. I was pleasantly surprised when my sister told me about using Cancel that order! and how it was helping her, her friends, my nephew, and his friends.

One of her friends called to chat while I was there, and she brought up Cancel that order! without any prompting from me. She said that none of that “positive thinking crap” worked for her but that Cancel that order! had helped her think more positively and also to gain more confidence.

Wow! It was humbling and fabulous feedback. I am so gratified when my coaching stuff really impacts people’s lives. However, the first person that I developed the technique for was me.

My mom was a worrier. She worried about money, her first grade students, and anyone driving. For a long time, I was a worrier, too.

Then I realized a couple of things. First, worrying about what may or may not happen is a huge emotional energy drain. Second, my worrying did not improve anyone’s chances of success or survival.

Worrying and negative self-talk are habits just like any other habit. We can change them with some effort. I designed a mental game to help me change my worrying ways. I pretended that every thought was a request for something that I wanted. When I thought about something, I was placing an order for it.

When I thought, “I am not going to have enough money this month,” I was placing an order for that to happen. Immediately I would think or say out loud, “Cancel that order!” Then I would replace the order with a new one: “I have plenty of money to make it through the month.”

The fancy, technical term for this is cognitive restructuring. Cognitive restructuring sounds like a hard and technical concept, but it’s not. It’s simply creating new thought habits and intentionally changing the way we think. It’s very powerful.

It isn’t always easy, but we can change our thinking patterns. Any time you catch yourself worrying and creating a worst-case scenario in your head, cancel that order! I actually clap my hands together when I am cancelling an order. Replace the negative thought with a thought about something that you want to happen or with an affirmation. Creating a positive internal dialogue makes life way less stressful.

Cancel that order! is very effective in dealing with negative self-talk. Pay attention to your thoughts. Anytime you hear yourself thinking that you aren’t enough in some way, cancel that order! If you walk to the closet thinking, “I don’t look good in any of my pants,” cancel that order! Replace it with what you want: “I look good in anything I put on.”

Changing our thoughts can’t magically change our reality. However, our reality will never change until we change our thoughts and beliefs. Cancel that order! is the first step in creating the life and environment that you desire.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

 

If you can’t get out of it, get into it!

26 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by in #perspective, Emotional Intelligence, Uncategorized

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The title of this blog has been my battle cry for more than a decade. It comes from the book Whistle While You Work: Heeding Your Life’s Calling by Richard Leider and David Shapiro.

In the introduction, Leider tells the story of an Outward Bound trip to Africa. One day, they planned to hike across the Salei Plains and meet their truck on the other side that evening.

They walked through tall grass called lion grass because lions like to stalk prey in it. Suddenly, one of the group members dropped to the ground. He’d seen a lion and was freaked out. The dangers of their current position hit him, and he refused to go on.

The guide told him that he must go on. There is nowhere to go back to. The truck was ahead of them. Reason did not work, and the man still refused to go on.

The guide leaned down and said, “We have a motto at Outward Bound precisely for this sort of situation: ‘If you can’t get out of it, get into it!’”

Honestly, how many times do we find ourselves in situations that we don’t want to be in? My answer is “Plenty!” Some situations I have gotten myself into: I’ve taken on a volunteer job that I don’t like or have agreed to do a project that turns into a monster. Other situations have been thrust upon me by circumstances beyond my control. Either way, there hasn’t been an immediate way out.

For example, let’s say that my organization changes a process and I do not like the new way. I can’t change it; it’s a done deal. I could quit, but I like the rest of my job. I could grouse and cultivate a negative attitude, which doesn’t do anything for my mental and physical health. It also doesn’t do anyone else any good.

If we can’t get out of it, why not get into it? I am going to do the action anyway, so why not give it my all with a positive attitude? It uses way fewer of my emotional pennies and the emotional pennies of those around me.

In truth, every experience in life enriches us and teaches us something about ourselves. It’s better to go all in. We want to stop resisting and give it our best shot. When we can, we want to get out of the situation, but until then, our best choice is to truly get into it. We can also be grateful that most of our challenging situations don’t involve being stalked by a lion!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

You’re OK, too!

21 Tuesday Feb 2017

Posted by in Feelings, Leadership, Uncategorized

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February Series: Feelings

You’re OK, too!

Let’s end this series on feelings by talking about our feelings for others. I’m going to tell you that it’s worthwhile to cultivate positive feelings towards others, and I imagine your initial response will be that there are some people for whom you will never have positive feelings. I’ve had this conversation before!

I know that there are annoying and obnoxious people out there. Some don’t seem to have any morals or common sense. It feels like a lot of work NOT to dislike those people! I get it. I’ve been there. I am there! However, I want you to know that it is worth the effort – for you.

It’s difficult to hold the heavy lens of negativity and not have it affect your life. It’s next to impossible to hold it up some of the time and drop it other times. If we look through a negative lens at some people, we probably will use it to look at all people. We begin a cycle of negativity in which we expect to see negative behaviors, provoke them by our expectation, and then feel satisfied and right when others behave in the negative way that we predicted. It’s a messy quagmire, and it’s exhausting.

On the other hand, a spiral of positivity is an uplifting and energizing cycle to create. There are other benefits as well that include increased resiliency, increased satisfaction with life, less inflammation in your body, increased broad-mindedness (our brain actually processes information differently), increased immunity to viruses, better ability to connect with others, less depression, and better focus. Wow! That’s quite a list!

OK, so positivity is a great thing and feeling empathy and kindness towards other is going to help us achieve it. How do we go about creating it? There are some obnoxious, annoying, dishonest, selfish, callous, infuriating, tactless people out there! Ack! Take a breath and read on.

In my leadership series, I begin with a book called Leadership and Self-Deception. I highly recommend it. In a nutshell, the book promotes the idea that all personnel and personal issues are caused by one thing: we don’t see other people as people.

Here is an example from the book:  Imagine that you are sitting on an airplane next to the window, and it is open seating. No one has an assigned seat. The middle seat is open. Do you put your bag in the middle seat and try to discourage people from sitting there even though the flight attendant has announced that the flight is full. Do you judge each person by how much of an inconvenience that they will be? Does one look too chatty? Another have too many bags?

In that moment, are you seeing the other passengers walking down the aisle as people like you who have a need to sit down or as annoying objects that threaten to invade your personal space? How would you feel as a person walking down the aisle?

The book explains that theory in detail, but basically, we want to see everyone around us, even the obnoxious ones, as people. Of course, that doesn’t mean that we have to put up with unethical behavior or disrespect. It means that we set boundaries and give feedback in a compassionate and kind way.

We talked about self-compassion in last week’s blog (https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2017/02/14/im-ok-of-course/), and this week, we are talking about practicing “other-compassion.” It’s a new term that I just made up! The key is to see everyone as having needs and dreams equal to your own. We want to treat them the way that we want to be treated. Sound familiar?

I continue to work on seeing other people as people. When I begin to slip by magnifying someone’s faults and objectifying them, I repeat to myself, “This is a person with worries and dreams equal to my own.”

There is another way to develop empathy for others that has some impressive research behind it. Loving Kindness Meditation, increases positivity with all the benefits mentioned earlier. It also increases our empathy for others and our feelings of friendliness and compassion.

There are no right or wrong ways to do it; there are just guidelines. You can search online and find all types of Loving Kindness Meditations. You can listen to on or create statements to use in the meditation that have the most power and meaning for you.

Basically, during the Loving Kindness Meditation, we say three or four phrases several times. The first time we say the phrases, we say them to ourselves. The most important part of the meditation is to create and hold onto a feeling of friendliness, compassion, joy, and expansiveness as you say the phrases. Here is an example:

  • May I be filled with loving kindness.
  • May I be well in body and mind.
  • May I be at ease and happy.

Then we say the same phrases while thinking of someone with whom we feel close.  We would think, “May you be filled with loving kindness.” It’s important to hold onto the positive feeling while thinking the phrases each time. It’s not too hard to say the phrases with feeling when it’s toward someone that we you are fond of.

Next, we move on to someone who we feel neutral about, someone we don’t really care for, and finally everyone in the world. Use the same three to four phrases each time, and focus on maintaining the feeling of compassion and acceptance.

This practice can be a game changer in your life. You can see results by meditating for 10 minutes about 5 or 6 times a week. Who wants more resiliency when facing challenges and more satisfaction with life? I do, I do! For me, resiliency is one of the biggest benefits of Loving Kindness Meditation. The world is full of challenges, and I welcome the grit that will help me to overcome them.

The goal is to incorporate Loving Kindness Meditation into your life for eight weeks. By then, you should see results that will motivate you to use the meditation for the rest of your life.

In the end, we win when we develop feelings of friendliness and compassion for others. We get to put down the heavy lens of negativity. We begin to see the positive things around us and expect more of them. We create a self-supporting cycle of positivity that improves our “other-compassion,” our own health, and our emotional well-being.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

I’m OK, of course.

14 Tuesday Feb 2017

Posted by in Feelings, Leadership, Uncategorized

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self-compassion

February series: Feelings

I’m OK, of course.

So far this month we have talked about the importance of befriending our emotions (https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2017/01/31/ive-got-a-bad-feeling-about-this/) and understanding that every situation has a fact and a feeling part (https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2017/02/07/everything-has-a-fact-and-a-feeling-part/). Now let’s talk about how we feel about ourselves. We want to have positive feelings about ourselves; therefore, we want to speak to ourselves in a kind and supportive way. Life is way harder when we face the challenges of the world with negative self-talk in our heads.

There are quite a few phrases that are tossed around to describe how we feel about ourselves; words  like self-esteem, self-love, and self-compassion. The self-esteem emphasis has traveled a long and troubled path. Many grumpy, old people blame the millennials’ attitude of entitlement on the self-esteem movement. That’s a discussion all its own that would include open-mindedness, the danger of stereotypes, and communication.

However, studies have shown that a focus on self-esteem results in a dismissal of our faults and wrong-doings. We sort of ignore them and focus on our good qualities in order to maintain positive self-esteem. We are not motivated to change or even believe that change is possible when we think that we are excellent no matter what. There is no correlation between high self-esteem and success or superior performance. If we feel a need to protect our self-esteem, we rationalize bad behavior and don’t think we need to change because we are so awesome already

Next up is self-love, and I must admit that self-love is not one of my favorite phrases. I’ve already disclosed that I’m not a mushy-gushy type of person, and this phrase just doesn’t appeal to me. I have a dear friend who is also a coach, and she talks a lot about self-love. In fact, she has her clients look in a mirror and say, “I love you.” Many times, the people who do this are moved to tears. There is a very emotional reaction that I can’t pretend to understand. If self-love resonates with you, it’s a fine way to start feeling positive about yourself. However, unconditional self-love that focuses on only our good qualities runs the same risks as self-esteem.

My favorite perspective is self-compassion. One of the reasons I like it is that it isn’t overly mushy. Another reason is that it’s got some impressive research behind it. When researchers compared self-compassion to self-esteem and just general positive feelings, they found that self-compassion resulted in a belief that we can change our less-than-desirable qualities and behaviors. Even better, self-compassion motivates us to change! That’s huge!

Here is a definition of self-compassion from a study done by Juliana Breines and Serena Chen called Self-Compassion Increases Self-Improvement Motivation:

“Self-compassion has been defined as a self-attitude that involves treating oneself with warmth and understanding in difficult times and recognizing that making mistakes is part of being human.”

They go on to cite other studies that show that self-compassion creates a more positive attitude and increases optimism, as well as happiness. It also lowers levels of anxiety and depression. Bonus: Self-compassion results in better romantic relationship functioning. Woot!

To get these results, when you consider a mistake or misdeed that you’ve done, ask “What would I say to myself from a compassionate and understanding perspective?” Talk to yourself as you would to a close friend whom you care about.

If you find yourself rationalizing the behavior to get yourself off the hook, you are slipping into a self-esteem perspective that doesn’t require self-examination and behavior change. We would tell our friends if they were misbehaving, and we should tell ourselves the same thing.

Exercising self-compassion is the surest way to get to self-actualization, which is realizing one’s full potential. We know that we are OK, and that we can be even better.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Create Your Bubble

13 Tuesday Dec 2016

Posted by in Leadership, Thriving Through the Holidays, Uncategorized

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Thriving Through the Holidays

Yay! We made it through Thanksgiving! We don’t have to just survive the holidays. There are skills and perspectives that can help us sail through the holidays with ease and enjoyment. Survival is not our goal. Thriving by creating and maintaining positive relationships and perspectives is what we want to strive for during the holiday season. It is so much more fun and motivating that just slogging through! Let’s make the holidays joyous!

 Skill 3: Create your bubble.

It’s easy to be influenced by the negativity of others. In fact, studies have proven that we tend to mimic the emotions of those around us. We have mirror neurons in our brain that fire automatically when we interact with others. If the other person is happy, then we feel happy. If he or she is angry, we feel angry. Our mirror neurons may fire, but it doesn’t mean that we are a slave to them. Despite the initial reaction triggered by our mirror neurons, we can choose our own emotions.

Sometimes it helps to visualize a shiny bubble around you that protects you from negative energy. Visualize yourself zipping up the front of the bubble if that helps you – like you are zipping yourself into a sleeping bag. You bubble is a complete barrier that allows only the good and positive inside. The negative cannot get through. There are no holes, no leaks, and no soft spots. Instead of a bubble, it can be God’s love or Universal energy that surrounds you. Visualize and describe it in your mind in a way that has meaning for you.

When Uncle Seibert starts on one of his tirades, mentally zip up your bubble around yourself. Imagine all his negative words sliding past you. None of them make it past your shiny bubble because it is impervious to negativity. It’s amazing how well this works! You get to choose whether or not you let the negativity of others affect you.

If someone is on a huge rant, I imagine a mirror between us – facing him or her. I see them complaining to themselves in the mirror. It isn’t even directed at me. I hope that they can see and hear themselves spewing toxic emotions. Sometimes they slow down when they aren’t getting a reaction. It isn’t fun to rant if you can’t get the other person riled up with you.

When my children were young, I would send them off to school with a shield. Here are the words that I would say, “I am surrounding you with God’s shield of white light, love, and truth. Nothing harmful or negative can get in, only good and positive.” You can phrase it in your own way, but it’s a nice gift to give others; even Uncle Seibert could do with a bubble of his own.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Presence

08 Friday May 2015

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Mindfulness, Positivity

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Presence

Think back to the conversations that you’ve had with other people in the last few days. In how many of those conversation did you feel that you had the complete attention of the other person? In how many did you feel fully listened to and understood? I’m betting not many. In how many of those conversations did you give your full and complete attention to the other person? Once again, I’m betting the answer is “Not many.”

The ability to be completely present with another person during a conversation is a powerful skill and a hallmark of great leaders. The goal of an outstanding leader is to create positive relationships with the people around him or her. One of the ways to build positivity is to meet people’s need to be listened to, understood, and respected.  Many times, leaders are pushed for time and listen with only one ear. I often hear participants in my leadership series complain of bosses who talk to them while facing and typing on the computer. Not being fully present during conversations is the downfall of many leaders.

It’s not surprising that we find being present in the moment so difficult. It is a skill and like any other skill it requires intentional practice. Of course, one way to practice is to practice listening well to others. In coaching, we talk about Listening Levels I, II, and III. At Listening Level I, I’m not really listening to you much at all. I’m thinking about what I want to say as soon as you stop talking and what I need to do after we finish talking. At Listening Level II, I am listening intently, but not catching all of the meaning. At Listening Level III, I am fully present and listening for understanding. I am paying attention to your words, your tone of voice, your facial expressions and your body language. I am curious about it all and ask a lot of questions. Listening Level III is required for one to be fully present.

Listening Level III requires a lot of mental discipline and the ability to focus your attention on one thing. Another way to practice those skills is with mindfulness exercises. Mindfulness is focusing on one thing or moment at a time. An easy way to begin honing your mental focus is to sit quietly and pay attention to your breath. Then pay attention to the small spaces when an inhale becomes an exhale and when an exhale becomes an inhale. Any time your mind wanders, bring it back to your breath. As with any skill, the more you practice, the better you get. Simply paying attention fully to anything that you are doing can turn it into a mindfulness exercise.

Being fully present with someone and listening to him or her at Listening Level III is a wonderful gift to both the giver and receiver. It builds positivity in the relationship and strengthens the connection between them. Being present is a powerful way to improve personal and work relationships. It’s even a great gift to give yourself.

Here’s a link to my video on Presence: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8auxZvRiRM4

Lessons from the Movie Groundhog Day

27 Friday Feb 2015

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Positivity

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groundhog meme 2

I was reminded of two lessons when I watched Groundhog Day on Groundhog Day. I knew these two things helped to create happiness and success in life, but the main character, Phil, embodied them in such a great way that made the lessons really hit home. If you haven’t seen the movie, Phil is played by Bill Murray and his love interest, Rita, is played by Andie MacDowell. Now you can visualize them easily.

Phil is stuck in the same day, Groundhog Day. He wakes up every morning to the same Sonny and Cher song on the radio and relives the same day. He goes through the expected stages. First is disbelief; he thinks he’s going crazy. Next he uses the information about the day to his advantage. He robs an armored car. He learns everything he can about Rita and tries to use the information to get in her good graces. It doesn’t work. Phil isn’t a nice guy and he proves it in this phase. Then he becomes depressed and kills himself, and on one occasion the groundhog, in several different ways. However, no matter what he does, he keeps waking up to Sonny and Cher. I read online that someone figured out that he lived the same day for over eight years. Talk about a rut!

The things he’s been doing, which are expressions of how he has lived his life up to this point, are not creating success and happiness. Finally, Phil makes a shift. He makes two changes and I think it’s beneficial, if not absolutely necessary, to do one before the other. The first thing he did was decide to have a positive attitude. Up to this point, he has interacted with the same people and had basically the same conversations for eight years, and none of them were pleasant.

Once Phil changes his attitude people feel better after they talk with him instead of feeling worse. Phil listens and takes other peoples’ opinions into consideration. He smiles and is pleasant. Phil becomes a positive force in the world that buoys other people instead of making them insecure and dragging them down. Instead of dreading a conversation with Phil, people look forward to talking with him. As a general rule, we all like being around positive people. We are attracted to them. People began to find Phil attractive!

The second change that Phil made was just as significant, but hard to do if you don’t have a positive outlook. Phil began to take care of other people. It started when he found a homeless man on the street one night who later died at the hospital where Phil took him. From that point on, Phil adopted a “No one is going to die on my day!” attitude and took action. Every day, he caught a young boy falling out of a tree, saved the mayor from choking, fed the homeless man, and even changed the tire of a group of little old ladies. He spent his day helping other people and felt satisfaction, gratification, and happiness as a result.

There is a Groundhog Day party at the end of Phil’s day. In the beginning he refused to go, even mocked the party as ridiculous. After he decided to be positive and help others, he became the center of attention at the party. The mayor’s wife kisses him and says what a wonderful person that he is. The three little old ladies speak of him glowingly. He’s even been taking piano lessons and his piano teacher who believes that she’s only seen him on this one day, says what a great person he is.

His new emphasis on positivity and helping others changes how Rita sees him. Remember, it’s a fresh day for her and she has no memory of all the others that Phil has lived. When she got up on this last of Phil’s Groundhog Days, she expected him to be the same jerk he was the day before. Instead, she is taken by his positivity and kindness. He is not trying to impress her at that point and yet he does. By focusing on becoming positive and helping others, he’s achieved the goal that he had in the very beginning, winning Rita’s heart. He became attractive to her by focusing on his own personal growth.

Each of us can become more attractive as well if we work like Phil did to cultivate a positive attitude and genuine determination to help others. Everyone around us would benefit from that course of action, but people who would benefit the most are us.