Tag Archives: leadership

Lesson 4: Peaky Blinders Syndrome

25 Tuesday Oct 2016

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front-yard-picLessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous and didn’t result in anything with splendid color. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot sitting in the grass for a summer.

Lesson 4: Peaky Blinders Syndrome

During the summer, I watched a British TV series called Peaky Blinders. It’s a post-World War I story about soldiers turned gangsters in England. It is a cool, but violent, show. I am not recommending that everyone watch it, but it does illustrate an interesting concept.

The Peaky Blinders gang had elaborate schemes to make money and gain power. There are three seasons out right now and somewhere in the first season, the leader of the gang began to promise that they would go legit. He said that they would become a legal operation after this “one last job.”

Obviously they haven’t become boring, legal businessmen; the series would be over! They keep doing “one last job.” However, we all get stuck waiting for or doing “one more thing” in various aspects of our lives.

When I started working in the yard, I would head out the door with the intention of working for a certain period of time. However, I almost always stayed out longer to do “one more thing.” I was going to finish this strip or get that one patch of weeds, but then I continued to do one more strip or one more patch. I named this phenomenon Peaky Blinders Syndrome in honor of the gang that constantly is doing “one more job.”

We can become victims of Peaky Blinders Syndrome in situations when we need to set boundaries. We might think, “Well, next time that coworker puts me down, I will say something.” We don’t really want a confrontation so we put up with it one more time.

We can suffer Peaky Blinders Syndrome with our friends. We all have had a friend that takes advantage of the relationship. He or she gets us to pay or do things that we really aren’t interested in doing. Sometimes this friend talks all about themselves and doesn’t listen to us. Instead of speaking up or ending the friendship, we tell ourselves that we will deal with it next time.

The worst case scenario of Peaky Blinders Syndrome is with addictions. One more of anything beyond what we decide to consume or buy can be a problem. If we talk ourselves into one more drink or one more pair of shoes when those things aren’t in our best interests, we are stuck in a very destructive version of Peaky Blinders Syndrome.

On the grandest scale we tell ourselves that we will be happy enough or rich enough when this “one thing” happens. When it does happen, we still aren’t happy enough or rich enough, and we continue to wait for the one next thing.

We fall into Peaky Blinders Syndrome for a couple of reasons. First, we are doing something that we like, something that brings us pleasure. That isn’t all bad! It’s only a problem when we are ignoring other things we want to do or when it becomes an obsession. Sometimes I stayed out in the yard because weeding was more enjoyable than the tedious tasks that waited for me in the house.

We can also fall into Peaky Blinders Syndrome because we are avoiding a confrontation or something we don’t want to do. We tell ourselves that we will put up with the unhelpful situation or person one more time. It can be hard to stand up for yourself if you aren’t skilled or experienced at doing so.

So, ack! What’s a person to do to avoid Peaky Blinders Syndrome? First, set limits. Really draw a line in the sand and mean it. A limit can be a budget or note in your calendar. When I worked in the yard, I set an alarm on my phone.  It’s important that it’s a firm limit that you really mean!

Second, create some accountability by telling people what your limit is. You might tell a friend “I want to be out of this job in one year” or “Here is what I am going to say the next time Fred makes an inappropriate comment.” It helps to know that someone is going to ask if you are on track and not existing with Peaky Blinders Syndrome. I would tell my husband when I planned to come in the house from weeding, and if I was later than 30 minutes past my deadline, he usually would come and check on me.

Outside accountability is helpful; however, it’s important not to shift the responsibility to someone else. They are your support, not your police. It’s not their job to stand over you and make sure you do what you have said you want to do. Ultimately, the responsibility is yours.

Finally, if you find that the behavior feels compulsive or you can’t ever stand up for yourself, it’s time to get professional help. Talk to a therapist, coach, or both. There are professionals who can help you create the life that you want, a life free of Peaky Blinders Syndrome.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 3: Taking The “Im” Off Of Impossible

18 Tuesday Oct 2016

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Lessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous, and it didn’t result in any splendid color around the lawn. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot from sitting in the grass for a summer.

 Lesson 3: Taking the “im” off of impossible

 When I weeded the strip of grass between the sidewalk and the road, I had a lot of interaction with my walking neighbors. When I worked in the yard away from the sidewalk, sometimes people would speak or wave, but not always. However, it was impossible to pretend that I wasn’t there when they had to walk within a foot of me.

In the beginning, the comments were not positive. The work was slow. That strip of grass was mostly a strip of weeds. The passersby said things like “aren’t you in the same spot as yesterday?” and “I have Roundup you can use if you want to get that done.” Sigh. On the whole, they were not very encouraging. Even I began to wonder if weeding the yard was indeed possible.

However, I had a plan and a vision, so I plodded along. I made progress on the strip of grass and as I got close to the end, the tenor of the passing comments changed. They said things like “it’s looking good!” and “you are almost there!” Same people saying more positive things because now they could see that it was possible.

By continuing to weed and move forward, I proved to them that it was a task that could be accomplished and that I had the determination to do it. Once they began to believe it was possible, and not a waste of my time, they became more encouraging.

As leaders, we want to make things possible for other people by our example. I am a pretty assertive person, probably more assertive than most women. I’m not afraid of trying things, looking like a fool, or standing up for something that I believe in. Many times throughout my life, women have come up to me and said, “You will be so proud of me!” Then they go on to regale me with tales of how they stood up for themselves or spoke confidently in an interview. They usually say, “I was standing there thinking, ‘What would Kathy say?’” Ha! I’m honored and proud of them. Imitation is one of the sincerest forms of flattery. Great leaders are people that others want to emulate.

When we lived in North Carolina, our next door neighbor was an older woman that my husband and I helped out sometimes. One of our jobs was to check under the house after a heavy rain to ensure that the sump pump was working. One weekend when my husband was gone, the sump pump wasn’t working. So, I went under the house and stood in the dark in about two and a half feet of water littered with swimming and dead camel crickets and checked the sump pump. It was just as gross as it sounds.

Fast forward a few years, I now live in Alabama, but keep in touch with my friend in North Carolina. She called one day and said, “You are going to be so proud of me!” After a deluge of rain, there was water under the house. She went in, set the sump pump upright, and got it running. She said, “I thought, ‘If Kathy can do it, I can do it!’” I was proud of her and she did do it! It goes to show that you never know which of your actions will inspire others.

Although I work to be an assertive and kind role model, I also am inspired by the accomplishments of others. I first noticed that someone could make the impossible possible for me with my beloved Veronicas. In 2006, I went through a six-month certification process for the Coaches Training Institute with eight other women and our leader. Our group was called the Veronicas, after the flower.  At the end of our time together, we began a tradition of sending emails to each other on Friday with a list of what we were grateful for that week. We called it Grateful Heart Friday.

Over the years, the Veronicas have turned out to be a powerful and motivated group of women. They are fellow coaches of varying ages who are out in the world getting stuff done. One has written for Huffington Post. Two have written books. One is successful corporate trainer. Another travels the world. Several have successful businesses. Every time one of the Veronicas accomplishes something, it makes it possible for me to accomplish. If they can do it, I can do it!

Don’t read that last sentence with a nasty, sarcastic tone. I don’t mean it in a disparaging way. I love these women. They each had a dream that they accomplished, and I admire them for it. Their achievements are hugely motivating and inspiring to me. They make things possible for me by doing them.

I originally called this concept of showing others what can be achieved by doing it yourself the 100-Dash Phenomenon. In my head, I had a story that no runner was able to break the 10-second barrier for many years. Then one day someone did! Once everyone else saw that it could be done, it became a more common occurrence. That is a great illustration of the concept, and I’ve carried it around with me for years! Unfortunately, it’s not true.

The 10-second barrier for the 100-yard dash (not to be confused with the current 100-meter dash) was broken in 1890 by John Owen. He held the record with his time of 9.8 seconds for 16 years. I thought maybe the results for the 100-meter dash would be different, maybe that’s what I was thinking of. Nope. Jim Hines ran it in 9.95 seconds in 1968, and his record held for 15 years. It was such a disappointment to find out that my perfect illustration only existed in my head! Then, I reasoned that running the 100-yard dash is limited by the human body’s capabilities and not a good example anyway.

I turned to the internet for a new story to illustrate the concept. Someone has to have talked about something seeming easier to do once seeing it done by someone else. When I searched online, I found articles about being threatened by the success of others which got me thinking. What if I had been threatened, rather than inspired, by the Veronicas’ success? It seems that there are different ways to view the success of others. As always, we get to choose. Do we look at the world through the lens of fear and jealousy or the lens of appreciation and support? Why would the success of any of these women, or anyone anywhere, threaten me?

It’s an interesting concept to think about. For the record, you are unique and whole. You are not in any way diminished by someone else’s success. Thank them! They’ve made it feel more possible for you.

When I think that I might want to do something, I look around for people who are already doing it. Inspiration and motivation can come from some strange places. My latest role model is an Australian hippy who regularly drops the F-bomb. She’s not the most likely inspirational candidate for a politically-correct leadership coach. However, she has an excellent business sense that my MBA brain appreciates.

Her name is Leonie Dawson and she has created a multimillion-dollar business that offers training for entrepreneurs. She has created a business that mirrors the vision in my head; a vision that has felt too big sometimes. How can I ever get there? Now I know it’s possible and I have a guide. My business won’t be just like Leonie’s, and my success will never be a threat to her. Just by achieving, she is helping me. It’s a good idea to be open-minded about what your role model might look like.

If you have a big dream, go out and find someone who has achieved it or something similar. Study them. Ask them! Many people are very generous in sharing how they got to where they are today. It’s so much easier when you know how they made it happen.

If no one is out there doing what you want to do, you get to be the role model. Chunk down the vision into small steps, and prove to yourself and others that your vision is possible. You might help the next weeders who come along with a big dream and a big yard.

 

 

For a little bit of free and

 

fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 1: Chunking Down the Vision

04 Tuesday Oct 2016

Posted by in Lessons From The Lawn

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Lessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous, and it didn’t result in any splendid color around the lawn. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot from sitting in the grass for a summer.

Lesson 1: Chunking Down the Vision

First, you need a vision, also known as a goal. It needs to be something you want to create or achieve. If the end state of your vision feels exciting and invigorating, then you are on the right track. The best visions also feel a little overwhelming. They look like they might be too big to accomplish!

My vision was to weed the front yard by hand. I could see the finished product of a beautiful expanse of chemical-free grass. I wanted to create it. I looked forward to spending time outside, and I was committed to using as few poisons as possible. However, you can see from the picture that it was a big yard, and there were a lot of weeds. I couldn’t face it all in the beginning. It seemed like too much for one person to accomplish. So, I chunked it down into smaller pieces.

I decided to start with just the grass on one side of the sidewalk that led to the front door. From that area of grass, I picked a smaller piece that was directly in front of the house. It would give me a beautiful weed-free view out of my front windows.

I created a grid on that first piece. I started at the house and worked my way down the sidewalk. When I got to the sidewalk that runs by the street, I turned around and did the next strip back to the house. I went out at dawn when it was cool, and I would work for an hour or so. It took me about a week to get that small section done, but it looked great! I could see the possibility for the rest of the yard. Anything I did was an improvement.

Then, I took on other pieces of the yard. I set time limits and concentrated on the process. I celebrated each accomplishment. Each section that I completed gave me more confidence and motivation. I began to believe that I could get the entire yard done.

I used the same method of Chunking Down the Vision when I created my first online course. I had “Create online classes” on my to do list for years! It was a big vision, a huge goal that was completely overwhelming. Finally, I chunked it down into smaller steps and got started. The first item on my list was “Find a web designer.” Finding a web designer that could see my vision and wasn’t intimidated by it took about six weeks of interviews. Then, I started working on down my list of small tasks.

The big difference between weeding the yard and creating an online class was the predictability. The weeding process didn’t present many surprises. Maybe there were a few more weeds than I expected sometimes. I did learn that only a few cute clover leaves can mean a gridlocked mess of roots. However, I just took it section by section and everything went according to plan.

The creation of the online class took me places I never planned to go. When I started recording the first video, I had to do it over so many times that I couldn’t stand to do it again. So many things about it were not good.

I took my first detour off of the planned path by creating YouTube videos to practice. YouTube videos weren’t in the original plan, but I needed to master recording video and audio before I could move on. It took lots of tries and in the end I owned a camcorder, an external audio recorder, and I knew how to edit videos in Adobe Premiere.

Once I figured out how to create acceptable quality videos, I was ready to begin recording the class again. Learning about video and audio wasn’t one of the original steps, but it came up. So, I broke that new goal down into small steps and got it done.

You can use the same system for your big vision. First, is it a vision or goal that you really want? I get such a feeling of peace and satisfaction when I look out over my weed-free, chemical-free lawn. Does the vision of your finished product or outcome make you feel motivated?

Second, is the vision big enough? The best goals are big ones that feel a little overwhelming.

Third, chunk it down! Write out the small steps you must take to get started. Chunking down also works for things like “Do the taxes.” Ack! Break it down. For example, the list might look like this:

1) Download IRS forms.

2) Collect/find W-2s.

3) Find receipts.

Doing just one thing a day will move you toward the finish. Once you get started, it’s easier to keep going.

Fourth, celebrate the chunks. When you finish one step of a process, bask in the glory for a few minutes. Revel in the feeling of accomplishment. When I finish writing this article, I am rewarding myself with 15 minutes outside in the grass.

Finally, don’t be afraid of the unplanned detours. Sometimes you get a shortcut. Sometimes you get a longer scenic route. Stay on the path toward your vision and you will get there.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at http://bit.ly/29RYzx0.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at http://bit.ly/29PcAQD.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Presence

08 Friday May 2015

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Mindfulness, Positivity

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Presence

Think back to the conversations that you’ve had with other people in the last few days. In how many of those conversation did you feel that you had the complete attention of the other person? In how many did you feel fully listened to and understood? I’m betting not many. In how many of those conversations did you give your full and complete attention to the other person? Once again, I’m betting the answer is “Not many.”

The ability to be completely present with another person during a conversation is a powerful skill and a hallmark of great leaders. The goal of an outstanding leader is to create positive relationships with the people around him or her. One of the ways to build positivity is to meet people’s need to be listened to, understood, and respected.  Many times, leaders are pushed for time and listen with only one ear. I often hear participants in my leadership series complain of bosses who talk to them while facing and typing on the computer. Not being fully present during conversations is the downfall of many leaders.

It’s not surprising that we find being present in the moment so difficult. It is a skill and like any other skill it requires intentional practice. Of course, one way to practice is to practice listening well to others. In coaching, we talk about Listening Levels I, II, and III. At Listening Level I, I’m not really listening to you much at all. I’m thinking about what I want to say as soon as you stop talking and what I need to do after we finish talking. At Listening Level II, I am listening intently, but not catching all of the meaning. At Listening Level III, I am fully present and listening for understanding. I am paying attention to your words, your tone of voice, your facial expressions and your body language. I am curious about it all and ask a lot of questions. Listening Level III is required for one to be fully present.

Listening Level III requires a lot of mental discipline and the ability to focus your attention on one thing. Another way to practice those skills is with mindfulness exercises. Mindfulness is focusing on one thing or moment at a time. An easy way to begin honing your mental focus is to sit quietly and pay attention to your breath. Then pay attention to the small spaces when an inhale becomes an exhale and when an exhale becomes an inhale. Any time your mind wanders, bring it back to your breath. As with any skill, the more you practice, the better you get. Simply paying attention fully to anything that you are doing can turn it into a mindfulness exercise.

Being fully present with someone and listening to him or her at Listening Level III is a wonderful gift to both the giver and receiver. It builds positivity in the relationship and strengthens the connection between them. Being present is a powerful way to improve personal and work relationships. It’s even a great gift to give yourself.

Here’s a link to my video on Presence: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8auxZvRiRM4

Three Levels of Reality

31 Friday Jan 2014

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The “Three Levels of Reality” sounds like a great title for a Star Trek episode. However, it is a model that can improve our ability to communicate effectively, handle conflict in a positive way, and motivate others.  I learned the concept during my Organization and Relationship System Coaching (ORSC) certification and I discuss it in leadership seminars all the time.

The three levels are Essence, Dreaming, and Consensus Reality.  In cliché form, everything you see started as an idea – or a dream.  Before it was a dream it was a feeling, an inkling, a potential.  Can you tell that Essence is the hardest level to explain?  In chronological order, the levels are:

Essence >  Dreaming  >  Consensus Reality

Essence level is feeling and experience before we articulate it.  Once we start to describe it, it becomes more concrete and less accurate because the description depends on words which cannot adequately capture an experience, feeling, or potential.

Once we have named a feeling or experience, we are in Dream Level.  Here’s where creativity lives.  We create different possible outcomes and dream up things that we can then make real in Consensus Reality.

Consensus Reality is what we all agree is really here – chairs, sky, music, etc.  Consensus Reality is what exists in our world.

Reality Levels

In Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) terms, Extroverts have a tendency to dream out loud.  Introverts, on the other hand, do their dreaming in their heads.  I am an Introvert and my husband is an Extrovert.  It took me a long time to realize that he doesn’t always plan to do what he talks about doing.  Many times he is just articulating a dream.

For example, one day we were standing behind our brick home and he said, “Let’s just take a sledgehammer and knock out that bathroom wall.  We can expand the house out here into the yard.”   Now there was a day when I would have immediately started arguing: “We don’t have the money for that right now!” or “That would be a hugely messy job and we need an architect to make sure it looks good.”  I would have interpreted his dream as a call to action in Consensus Reality Level and responded with practical objections.  However, I recognized that he was in Dream Level and I joined him there: “Yes, we could make the bathroom and the closet bigger.”  We talked about all the great possibilities that would result from knocking down that brick wall.  Recognizing and playing in Dream Level is fun – and it’s important to alert the other person if you’re thinking of grabbing a sledgehammer and moving to Consensus Reality.

In meetings it can frustrate a group to chronically stay at Dreaming Level because the group never DOES anything.  If they don’t move to Consensus Reality Level, they don’t get actionable solutions.  On the other hand, if a group jumps straight to Consensus Reality Level, they miss a lot of possibilities that happen in brainstorming and exploring in Dream Level.  A good leader recognizes in which level the group is operating and steers them through the levels as appropriate.

Great leaders are people who can motivate others, really light a fire in other people’s souls.  When leaders create a vision in a way that compels everyone to jump on board, they are operating in Essence Level.  They find ways to touch the hearts of others and activate visceral feelings of hope, desire, belonging, and shared vision.

As with all powerful tools, creating feelings at the Essence Level can also be done with selfish intent.  One can whip up feelings of hatred, fear and a deep need for self-protection. It behooves each of us to recognize when someone is activating a feeling in our hearts.  What is the intent of the person or group that is reaching out to affect us in such a personal and powerful way?  Knowing when someone is affecting you at Essence Level is an important first step to becoming an observer and figuring out what is going on.

The current day example of a group that intentionally operates in Essence Level for self-promotion is the news channels.  They are excellent at activating fear, disapproval and disconnection no matter in which end of the societal spectrum they dwell.  Hitler was great at reaching people at Essence Level.  So was Martin Luther King.  It’s a good idea to take a long look at the person or group who is trying to flick the on/off switch of your emotions.  It’s important to check in to be sure that we stay in alignment with our own values and goals.

Here’s the bottom line:  1) Understanding and using the Three Levels of Reality is the hallmark of a great leader – and a despot.  Powerful tools beget powerful results.  As benevolent leaders, we want to use the power wisely for the good of the group.  Steering a group into the different levels affects motivation, creativity and productivity.  2)  Understanding the Three Levels of Reality is also a powerful shield against those who would use our emotions for their own gain. We create that shield by moving into observer mode and questioning the intent of the speaker and the alignment of her or his message with our values.