Tag Archives: #achievement

Intentions

24 Tuesday Jan 2017

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January Series: Fresh Start

Intentions

I’ve been reading a lot about the difference between resolutions and intentions lately. Usually the author advocates for one over the other, but I believe that they are both valuable. In addition, I’ve thought about it and determined that goals and resolutions aren’t necessarily the same things. Here’s how we can use resolutions, goals, and intentions to help us succeed.

Let’s start with resolutions. Many times, resolutions are things that we want to do. For example, I could make my New Year’s resolution “I will exercise three times a week.” It’s a resolution that goes on my To Do List.

My goal would be the reason why I want to exercise three times a week. It’s important that our goals resonate with our hearts. I talked about goals at the beginning of the month and you can read that blog here: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2017/01/03/creating-goals/.

For this example, let’s say that my goals are to maintain my weight and be able to stand up from the floor while holding my granddaughter. She was four months old when she visited for Christmas, and she weighed about 15 pounds. I’m including a lot of squats in my exercise routine!

Both resolutions and goals are useful in getting us where we want to go. Now let’s add an intention. An intention is a guideline for making decisions. I like to think of it as the ruler that we hold up to any decision to see if it is in alignment with our goals and values.

For example, my intention this year is to lead a healthy life, both emotionally and physically. Any time an opportunity presents itself, I will ask, “Will doing this make me more healthy or less healthy?” There are lots of studies that show one glass of wine is healthy for you, but I’d have a hard time getting a second glass of wine past my test!

Our intentions are what help us stay on track as we go through the year and make choices. Last year, my intention was to engage. I ordered a small silver bracelet engraved with “ENGAGE.” I am a Star Trek Next Generation fan so it had an extra fun meaning; it’s what Captain Picard says when he wants the ship to get moving.

Last year, my resolution was to get out more; my goal was to create a business and personal community; and my intention was to engage. Together, the three together helped me stay on track and achieve my goal.

I have one friend whose intention was “Create More White Space.” She was feeling a little overwhelmed, and she wanted more time to relax and to be with her family. Another friend’s intention was “Create Financial Freedom.” Each time she had a choice or opportunity, her first consideration was, “Will this move me closer to financial freedom?”

One of the great things about an intention is that it’s a short-term structure to help you move ahead on a current priority. Next year, you can pick a new one! You can pick a new one each month or every six months. An intention is just a decision helper; something to remind you of what is important to you right now and what you want to achieve.

As we finish up January, it’s important to have a clear picture of where we want to go in 2017. Use resolutions, goals, and intentions to help us get there.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Creating Goals

03 Tuesday Jan 2017

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January Series: Fresh Start

I love January! A new year always feels like a new beginning to me. We get to decide who we want to be and what we want to focus on this year. We also have the opportunity to leave behind traits, mindsets, behaviors, and people that don’t support our goals for the year. It’s the time to wipe the slate clean and put up nice, new, neat lettering that clearly shows who we want to be this year.

Creating Goals (a.k.a. New Year’s Resolutions)

Happy New Year! During this time, lots of us choose to make New Year’s resolutions. These resolutions are goals; things that we want to achieve. The problem with resolutions is that we tend to start strong, but our determination slowly fades. At some point, we end up asking ourselves why we didn’t stick to our resolutions.

The actual choosing part of the goal is the most important piece. The goal must resonate with our hearts. If it is not something that we truly want, then we aren’t going to put in the hard work to achieve it. We must find the Big Why for our goal and hold onto it. Here is a link to a blog I wrote on finding your Big Why: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2015/01/19/goals-big-why-and-little-hows

Even if we really want to achieve a goal that resonates with our hearts, it sometimes still takes a little creativity to achieve it. Let’s say that becoming fit and lean is a goal that I really want to achieve. I know that I will feel healthier, have more energy, and keep up with my granddaughter better. However, I hate to run, and I detest crowded aerobics classes. In order to accomplish this goal, I need to get creative. Maybe I could learn a martial art or take a kickboxing class. Perhaps I could join a bike club. It could be that I just need to find a buddy to go walking with me. The key is to think creatively and find a way to accomplish the goal without forcing myself to do things I hate.

Sometimes heart goals need a dose of realism attached. For example, I am physically limited in the exercise that I can do. I had brain surgery in 2009 that resulted in a few tiny platinum coils of wire being inserted into my brain. Since the surgery, if I exercise enough to break a sweat, I become ill. I get nauseous and a little dizzy. For up to a week, I will have a rocking headache.

I must accept that I am never going to run a marathon or even a 5K, no matter how much I want to do so. Although those could be real, heart goals that resonate with me, I need to acknowledge who and where I am, and honor that.

Trust me, I went through a huge pity party when I first figured out that I’d recovered as much as I was going to recover. I wasn’t fond of my new normal at all. However, there wasn’t a way to change my limitations. I had to work with them ad adjust my goals accordingly. I can still reach my own highest level of fitness, but it requires creativity as well as some trial and error.

Since I usually work from home, I take short exercise breaks every hour or so. I use three pound weights and straps that attach to a door to do exercises throughout the day. The straps are in the bathroom so I do modified squats each time I go in there. I don’t break a sweat, so I can be dressed for the day. In addition to strength training, I try to walk 30 minutes each day. That gives my heart and lungs an extended workout at a pace that I can handle.

I do have fitness goals, but they are realistic goals that I can achieve without making myself ill. Setting goals that are challenging (and a little intimidating), but also within reach can be a difficult dance best done with a partner. A life coach or trusted friend can help you sort out dreams from pipe dreams. Spending time and energy on a goal that cannot happen is an exercise in frustration and a waste of time.

So here is our summary of how to achieve our goals:

1. Establish a goal that resonates with your heart.

2. Make sure it’s doable. It’s OK for the goal to feel scary and little out of your reach. However, do a firm reality check on it. One way to know if something is possible is to make sure you can do the actions needed to reach that goal. Make the goal achievable. I can’t run a 5K, but I could work up to walking one!

3. Get creative. We can overcome a lot of obstacles, both mental and physical, with a little creativity. If you feel stuck, a life coach is a great person to help you expand your awareness and create new possibilities.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

 Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

 If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 8: Getting to the Root

22 Tuesday Nov 2016

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Lessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous and didn’t result in anything with splendid color. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot sitting in the grass for a summer.

 Lesson 8: Getting to the Root

Sometimes I went out to weed in the yard as a break from other work. I wouldn’t have my sharp-pointed weeding tool or bucket. I would just roam the yard looking for random weeds.

Some weeds come out in one piece no matter what the ground conditions, but most weeds break off if you don’t use a weeding tool when the ground is dry. I watered patches I planned to weed the night before. However, on those impromptu weeding sessions, I often broke off the leafy top of the weed and left the root intact.

When you remove the top of the weed, the lawn looks good for a while, but the weed grows back. The root gets bigger, stronger, and more difficult to get out. You end up having to break the top off over and over again. I was solving the problem for the moment, but creating more work for Future Kathy.

One of my main goals in life is to set up Future Kathy for success. She is always very grateful when I do. I take time in the evening to plan the next day so Future Kathy can just sit down and get started in the morning. I try not to over-eat so Future Kathy won’t groan in agony and get fat. Breaking off the top of the weeds was making things look good, but it definitely wasn’t helping Future Kathy.

Like most things in life, you must get to the root of the problem to really fix it. Unfortunately, that takes time. To truly get rid of a weed, I had to sit down, use a sharp weeding tool, and dig down to the bottom of the root. It’s the only way to make sure that it didn’t return and that Future Kathy didn’t have to deal with it again. To get rid of other problems in life, you also have to take time to find the root cause and get rid of it.

Chronic challenges like being late, losing things, and always feeling frantic can be eliminated mostly if we dig down to the root of the problem. If you are chronically late, what creates that situation? If you can’t find your keys most mornings, put a hook on the wall and make a habit of hanging the keys there. Yes, it’s a bit of a hassle and requires some concentration. However, once it’s a habit, you will never have to look for your keys again.

Perhaps you are late because you just don’t give yourself enough time. Setting the alarm 15 minutes earlier until you can get out the door on time might be an easy solution. A “landing pad” by the door can save a lot of time. A landing pad is a place where you put everything that you need to take with you. It can have keys, papers, backpacks, etc. Instead of frantically gathering things at the last minute, we plan ahead and make a pile.

It’s impossible to know what the solution to a challenge is until you dig down, find it’s root, and get rid of the root problem. Just like weeding, it generally takes some time to deal with the root, but do it once and you will never have to deal with that particular challenge, or weed, ever again.

 

 

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 3: Taking The “Im” Off Of Impossible

18 Tuesday Oct 2016

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Lessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous, and it didn’t result in any splendid color around the lawn. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot from sitting in the grass for a summer.

 Lesson 3: Taking the “im” off of impossible

 When I weeded the strip of grass between the sidewalk and the road, I had a lot of interaction with my walking neighbors. When I worked in the yard away from the sidewalk, sometimes people would speak or wave, but not always. However, it was impossible to pretend that I wasn’t there when they had to walk within a foot of me.

In the beginning, the comments were not positive. The work was slow. That strip of grass was mostly a strip of weeds. The passersby said things like “aren’t you in the same spot as yesterday?” and “I have Roundup you can use if you want to get that done.” Sigh. On the whole, they were not very encouraging. Even I began to wonder if weeding the yard was indeed possible.

However, I had a plan and a vision, so I plodded along. I made progress on the strip of grass and as I got close to the end, the tenor of the passing comments changed. They said things like “it’s looking good!” and “you are almost there!” Same people saying more positive things because now they could see that it was possible.

By continuing to weed and move forward, I proved to them that it was a task that could be accomplished and that I had the determination to do it. Once they began to believe it was possible, and not a waste of my time, they became more encouraging.

As leaders, we want to make things possible for other people by our example. I am a pretty assertive person, probably more assertive than most women. I’m not afraid of trying things, looking like a fool, or standing up for something that I believe in. Many times throughout my life, women have come up to me and said, “You will be so proud of me!” Then they go on to regale me with tales of how they stood up for themselves or spoke confidently in an interview. They usually say, “I was standing there thinking, ‘What would Kathy say?’” Ha! I’m honored and proud of them. Imitation is one of the sincerest forms of flattery. Great leaders are people that others want to emulate.

When we lived in North Carolina, our next door neighbor was an older woman that my husband and I helped out sometimes. One of our jobs was to check under the house after a heavy rain to ensure that the sump pump was working. One weekend when my husband was gone, the sump pump wasn’t working. So, I went under the house and stood in the dark in about two and a half feet of water littered with swimming and dead camel crickets and checked the sump pump. It was just as gross as it sounds.

Fast forward a few years, I now live in Alabama, but keep in touch with my friend in North Carolina. She called one day and said, “You are going to be so proud of me!” After a deluge of rain, there was water under the house. She went in, set the sump pump upright, and got it running. She said, “I thought, ‘If Kathy can do it, I can do it!’” I was proud of her and she did do it! It goes to show that you never know which of your actions will inspire others.

Although I work to be an assertive and kind role model, I also am inspired by the accomplishments of others. I first noticed that someone could make the impossible possible for me with my beloved Veronicas. In 2006, I went through a six-month certification process for the Coaches Training Institute with eight other women and our leader. Our group was called the Veronicas, after the flower.  At the end of our time together, we began a tradition of sending emails to each other on Friday with a list of what we were grateful for that week. We called it Grateful Heart Friday.

Over the years, the Veronicas have turned out to be a powerful and motivated group of women. They are fellow coaches of varying ages who are out in the world getting stuff done. One has written for Huffington Post. Two have written books. One is successful corporate trainer. Another travels the world. Several have successful businesses. Every time one of the Veronicas accomplishes something, it makes it possible for me to accomplish. If they can do it, I can do it!

Don’t read that last sentence with a nasty, sarcastic tone. I don’t mean it in a disparaging way. I love these women. They each had a dream that they accomplished, and I admire them for it. Their achievements are hugely motivating and inspiring to me. They make things possible for me by doing them.

I originally called this concept of showing others what can be achieved by doing it yourself the 100-Dash Phenomenon. In my head, I had a story that no runner was able to break the 10-second barrier for many years. Then one day someone did! Once everyone else saw that it could be done, it became a more common occurrence. That is a great illustration of the concept, and I’ve carried it around with me for years! Unfortunately, it’s not true.

The 10-second barrier for the 100-yard dash (not to be confused with the current 100-meter dash) was broken in 1890 by John Owen. He held the record with his time of 9.8 seconds for 16 years. I thought maybe the results for the 100-meter dash would be different, maybe that’s what I was thinking of. Nope. Jim Hines ran it in 9.95 seconds in 1968, and his record held for 15 years. It was such a disappointment to find out that my perfect illustration only existed in my head! Then, I reasoned that running the 100-yard dash is limited by the human body’s capabilities and not a good example anyway.

I turned to the internet for a new story to illustrate the concept. Someone has to have talked about something seeming easier to do once seeing it done by someone else. When I searched online, I found articles about being threatened by the success of others which got me thinking. What if I had been threatened, rather than inspired, by the Veronicas’ success? It seems that there are different ways to view the success of others. As always, we get to choose. Do we look at the world through the lens of fear and jealousy or the lens of appreciation and support? Why would the success of any of these women, or anyone anywhere, threaten me?

It’s an interesting concept to think about. For the record, you are unique and whole. You are not in any way diminished by someone else’s success. Thank them! They’ve made it feel more possible for you.

When I think that I might want to do something, I look around for people who are already doing it. Inspiration and motivation can come from some strange places. My latest role model is an Australian hippy who regularly drops the F-bomb. She’s not the most likely inspirational candidate for a politically-correct leadership coach. However, she has an excellent business sense that my MBA brain appreciates.

Her name is Leonie Dawson and she has created a multimillion-dollar business that offers training for entrepreneurs. She has created a business that mirrors the vision in my head; a vision that has felt too big sometimes. How can I ever get there? Now I know it’s possible and I have a guide. My business won’t be just like Leonie’s, and my success will never be a threat to her. Just by achieving, she is helping me. It’s a good idea to be open-minded about what your role model might look like.

If you have a big dream, go out and find someone who has achieved it or something similar. Study them. Ask them! Many people are very generous in sharing how they got to where they are today. It’s so much easier when you know how they made it happen.

If no one is out there doing what you want to do, you get to be the role model. Chunk down the vision into small steps, and prove to yourself and others that your vision is possible. You might help the next weeders who come along with a big dream and a big yard.

 

 

For a little bit of free and

 

fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 1: Chunking Down the Vision

04 Tuesday Oct 2016

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Lessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous, and it didn’t result in any splendid color around the lawn. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot from sitting in the grass for a summer.

Lesson 1: Chunking Down the Vision

First, you need a vision, also known as a goal. It needs to be something you want to create or achieve. If the end state of your vision feels exciting and invigorating, then you are on the right track. The best visions also feel a little overwhelming. They look like they might be too big to accomplish!

My vision was to weed the front yard by hand. I could see the finished product of a beautiful expanse of chemical-free grass. I wanted to create it. I looked forward to spending time outside, and I was committed to using as few poisons as possible. However, you can see from the picture that it was a big yard, and there were a lot of weeds. I couldn’t face it all in the beginning. It seemed like too much for one person to accomplish. So, I chunked it down into smaller pieces.

I decided to start with just the grass on one side of the sidewalk that led to the front door. From that area of grass, I picked a smaller piece that was directly in front of the house. It would give me a beautiful weed-free view out of my front windows.

I created a grid on that first piece. I started at the house and worked my way down the sidewalk. When I got to the sidewalk that runs by the street, I turned around and did the next strip back to the house. I went out at dawn when it was cool, and I would work for an hour or so. It took me about a week to get that small section done, but it looked great! I could see the possibility for the rest of the yard. Anything I did was an improvement.

Then, I took on other pieces of the yard. I set time limits and concentrated on the process. I celebrated each accomplishment. Each section that I completed gave me more confidence and motivation. I began to believe that I could get the entire yard done.

I used the same method of Chunking Down the Vision when I created my first online course. I had “Create online classes” on my to do list for years! It was a big vision, a huge goal that was completely overwhelming. Finally, I chunked it down into smaller steps and got started. The first item on my list was “Find a web designer.” Finding a web designer that could see my vision and wasn’t intimidated by it took about six weeks of interviews. Then, I started working on down my list of small tasks.

The big difference between weeding the yard and creating an online class was the predictability. The weeding process didn’t present many surprises. Maybe there were a few more weeds than I expected sometimes. I did learn that only a few cute clover leaves can mean a gridlocked mess of roots. However, I just took it section by section and everything went according to plan.

The creation of the online class took me places I never planned to go. When I started recording the first video, I had to do it over so many times that I couldn’t stand to do it again. So many things about it were not good.

I took my first detour off of the planned path by creating YouTube videos to practice. YouTube videos weren’t in the original plan, but I needed to master recording video and audio before I could move on. It took lots of tries and in the end I owned a camcorder, an external audio recorder, and I knew how to edit videos in Adobe Premiere.

Once I figured out how to create acceptable quality videos, I was ready to begin recording the class again. Learning about video and audio wasn’t one of the original steps, but it came up. So, I broke that new goal down into small steps and got it done.

You can use the same system for your big vision. First, is it a vision or goal that you really want? I get such a feeling of peace and satisfaction when I look out over my weed-free, chemical-free lawn. Does the vision of your finished product or outcome make you feel motivated?

Second, is the vision big enough? The best goals are big ones that feel a little overwhelming.

Third, chunk it down! Write out the small steps you must take to get started. Chunking down also works for things like “Do the taxes.” Ack! Break it down. For example, the list might look like this:

1) Download IRS forms.

2) Collect/find W-2s.

3) Find receipts.

Doing just one thing a day will move you toward the finish. Once you get started, it’s easier to keep going.

Fourth, celebrate the chunks. When you finish one step of a process, bask in the glory for a few minutes. Revel in the feeling of accomplishment. When I finish writing this article, I am rewarding myself with 15 minutes outside in the grass.

Finally, don’t be afraid of the unplanned detours. Sometimes you get a shortcut. Sometimes you get a longer scenic route. Stay on the path toward your vision and you will get there.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at http://bit.ly/29RYzx0.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at http://bit.ly/29PcAQD.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

The Power of Habits

12 Thursday Mar 2015

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Habits are power. Like all power, it can be used for good or for ill. We have a tendency to focus on our negative habits. A search for “habit” graphic art resulted in pictures of a lot of bad habits such as smoking and overeating. We talk about our bad habits and work to get rid of them, but rarely mention our good habits.

In reality our days are made up of good, bad, and neutral habits. One study done by a researcher at Duke determined that 40% of our daily activities are habits which can include: the time we get up, the way we get ready in the morning, our mid-morning trip to the vending machine, our lunch-time exercise, and our before-bed snack or sit-ups. Some habits help us more than others.

Intentionally crafting useful habits can help us achieve our goals. However, we first need a clear vision of a goal that speaks to our heart. (You can read about the importance of a Big Why for your goal here: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2015/01/19/goals-big-why-and-little-hows/) Using the power of habits without direction can powerfully move you around in circles. First, we clearly define our goal.

Then we explicitly state the steps that we need to take to achieve our goal. It’s important to break big goals down into little steps. Then we look at our small steps and figure out a way to make them into habits. Let’s look at an example.

I want to do a better job of taking care of myself. My goal is a moderate level of fitness and health, nothing extreme. I can visualize a vibrant, energetic me. It speaks to my heart; I can remember vividly how great I feel when I am taking time to exercise and eat well. It’s a wonderful feeling of power and I am way more motivated when I feel that way. I have a goal with a Big Why.

Now I create a list of things I want to do to achieve that goal. It could include lots of things like walking for 20 minutes four times a week, doing yoga twice a week, cutting out all soft drinks, etc. I don’t want to tackle them all at once. For a sustained lifestyle change, I pick one, make it a habit, and then move on to the next one.

When I do leadership workshops, I am standing up all day. When I stand for long periods of time, my back hurts if I haven’t been doing abdominal exercises regularly so that’s what I want to start with. I could decide to incorporate abdominal exercises in a variety of ways. I could do them first thing in the morning or take a break at a set time on the days when I am working at home. I think I want to do them first thing in the morning, Monday through Friday. Now I have established what I want to do, when I want to do it, and why I want to do it. All necessary!

Now comes the work. I must set my alarm 15 minutes earlier than I need to get ready. As soon as the alarm goes off, I get down on the floor at the foot of the bed and do my abdominal exercises. It takes around a month to create a habit so that means purposefully and intentionally getting up Monday through Friday and doing the exercises. It will take some willpower in the beginning to make myself get up and do them. However, it gets easier as time goes on. Eventually, I will stop fighting myself and just get up and do it without any expenditure of emotional energy. When that happens, I’ve made it a habit! It takes some willpower to get a habit established, but once it’s rolling along it takes very little emotional energy to maintain it. Once this habit is firmly in place, I can establish another one. Doing pushups in a door frame at 10:30am comes to mind, but it could be anything that will help me move closer to my goal.

One-by-one we can build a foundation of habits that will help us achieve our goals with little stress and angst. Uncle Ben told Spiderman, “With great power comes great responsibility,” and that is especially true about the power of habits in relation to the responsibility we have to ourselves to lead a fulfilling life. If we use the power of habits without thinking or planning, we create a life of frustration and stagnation. If we use the power wisely, we can achieve great things and create the life of our dreams.

Watch the video on this topic here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAziOrVsM3E

The Power of Choice: It’s Time to Wave Around the Magic Wand of Destiny

26 Monday Jan 2015

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The power of choice is one of my favorite topics because it has the potential to dramatically change people’s lives. Choosing on purpose is the theme of my leadership series. Many of us, myself included, have a tendency to fall into a victim mentality.  We say, “Oh, I have to do this” and “I have to do that.” In reality, most of the things that we do are choices.

I use an exercise in my communication workshops that creates a huge perspective shift for people. I have them complete the sentence “I have to…” with as many things as they can think of in about three minutes. If someone writes, “I have to eat, sleep, and breathe,” that is correct! We do “have” to do those things in order to keep living. However, most everything else is a choice.

Often someone will say, “But we have to pay taxes.” The answer is, “No, not really.” Generally we choose to pay taxes because we don’t want to risk penalties and jail, but we could choose to live as a hermit off the grid or risk not paying taxes in the hope that we wouldn’t get caught.

Life right now, for the most part, is the result of the choices we’ve made up to this point. People in my workshops usually groan at that statement. It is true and it hits home. We have made some really good choices in our lives and some not so great choices that have led us to our current situation.

I know that we don’t choose everything that happens to us. I am a woman who has had brain surgery on very short notice. However, we do get to choose how we react to what happens to us.

What’s important to note is that our future is determined by the choices that we make now. We make choices all the time without thinking about how those choices will affect the future. The key is to make choices intentionally. We must decide where we want to go, what we want to accomplish, and who we want to be. Using those decisions as a guide, we intentionally choose actions, attitudes, and perspectives that will move us closer to those goals.

I call choosing with intention “waving around the Magic Wand of Destiny.” I have a Magic Wand of Destiny that I use in my leadership seminars. (You can see it in the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZaiN1wnj6s) Choosing on purpose creates a completely different way of looking at the world. It can change what you do, and it can also change how you think about what you do.

When I first did the exercise of completing the sentence “I have too…” I wrote that I had to make my sons’ breakfast and lunch every morning. I didn’t really like making breakfast and lunch and I would lie in bed in the morning groaning about it. After the exercise, I realized that I was choosing to get up and prepare meals. The kids were middle school age and capable of fixing their own food.

However, I thought it was important to spend time with them in the morning and to ensure that they had good food to eat. Getting up and fixing meals were actions that were in alignment with my values. That realization didn’t change what I did, but it changed how I felt about doing it. When I woke up and thought, “I have to…” I stopped myself and started waving around the Magic Wand of Destiny. I told myself to either get up and cheerfully fix food or stay in bed.

In life you have three choices in most situations. If you don’t like what’s going on, the first option is to try and change it. If you control the situation, it’s easy to change. If you have no control, then changing it isn’t an option. In most situations, we have some influence that we can try to exert.

In workshops I use a personal example. We moved to a new place and were only going to be there one year. My youngest son, Andrew, had asthma and was allergic to dogs. There was a helping dog in the school and Andrew found himself with the dog often and we were having to increase his asthma medication as a result.

We didn’t completely control the situation, but we did have some influence. We met with teachers and the principal. I sent them information on asthma and allergies. It was all to no avail. They did not cooperate. We were unable to change the situation.

The second choice is to accept the situation. I do mean to truly accept the situation, not grit your teeth and endure it.  Accepting mean making a mental or physical adjustment that you can live with and that won’t stress you out. In our case, we were up to quadrupling Andrew’s asthma medicine so we couldn’t really accept the situation.

The third and final option is to flee. Fleeing doesn’t have to be a negative event. You can plan ahead and leave a situation on good terms. For example, if I’m volunteering on a board and want to leave the situation, I can just make it clear that I won’t return when my term is up. In my example with Andrew, we did flee. We pulled Andrew out of school and I homeschooled him that year. He decreased to minimal amount of medication and we had great year together.

The bottom line is if you don’t realize that you have the power of choice, you can become a victim. You can live in a constant victim mentality which is very unhealthy. It’s more useful to look at each situation and ask what you can intentionally do to improve it. Decide who you want to be and where you want to go. Then start waving around the Magic Wand of Destiny.

Goals: Big Why and Little Hows

19 Monday Jan 2015

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Big Why

I love making goals. There’s something of a fresh start wrapped up in a goal. If it’s a good goal, we are working toward something that we want. When I was first outlining my video on this topic (link below), I asked my husband to randomly say what he thought about goals. He said, “Well, goals are really desires, aren’t they? When you achieve a goal, you get a sense of fulfillment.” Bingo! He totally hit the nail on the head! Let’s think about goals as desires and things that will bring us a sense of fulfillment.

Using that frame of reference, write down a list of goals. One of the challenges of creating and achieving goals is our own ideas about what we “should” write down. We “should” lose weight. We “should” exercise more. But is that what you really desire? It might be. The trick is to figure out the Big Why of each goal. If there isn’t one, it’s time to toss the goal.

So what is the Big Why? It’s the underlying heart reason for wanting to do something. Let’s say that I put “Exercise three times a week” on my list of goals. I don’t really like to exercise. I feel I should. It doesn’t feel motivating at all. The first step is to ask myself why I want to exercise three times a week. Well, I’d answer that I want to stay fit and not grow too decrepit to do what I want to do. (My exercise goals are not lofty.) Wanting to stay strong and healthy is a good reason, but it still isn’t speaking to my heart. It still feels like a “should.”

So I ask myself again, “Why?” – why do I want to be strong and healthy? It could be that I want to be able to play with grandkids if any come along or that I want to be able to keep up with my husband who is very fit. However, the real reason for me is that I have more energy and feel more positive and motivated when I am at my ideal weight and exercising regularly. I feel more powerful and it’s easier to accomplish things. I really do find a sense of fulfillment when I interact with the world with a body that is in good shape for me. (It is important to note that my ideal exercise plan involves walking and gentle yoga. I am not a runner. My fitness level is mine – the level that works for me. It’s not a “should” level, it’s my level.)

Now it’s time to check in. Is this a reason that resonates with my heart or do I need to ask myself “Why?” again? Actually, that feeling of being energized and positive is very motivating for me. I remind myself of that feeling whenever I am tempted to eat too much or skip exercising.

You keep asking yourself “Why” until you get down the reason that has meaning for you, the one that truly feels like a desire and that will lead to a sense of fulfillment. That reason is your Big Why. It’s the reason that you feel in your heart. If you keep asking “Why?” and never get to reason that feels like a desire, mark it off your list. It’s a “should” goal and you probably won’t achieve it anyway because it doesn’t have meaning for you.

Now, you have a few goals with Big Whys. We want to figure out how to achieve them.  I will use my goal of creating online classes as an example. I’ve wanted to create some online classes for more than a year. I want to offer the expensive leadership classes that I give to businesses to everyone at a reasonable price. I believe that anyone who is motivated should be able to pursue his or her professional development.

It’s a big overwhelmingly huge and intimidating goal, which is why I didn’t begin on it for quite some time. I got started when I broke the goal down into Little Hows and realized that even small progress is better than no progress. If I stand in one place doing nothing for a year, I’m in the exact same place I was when I started – a year gone with nothing to show. I decided that the smallest movement forward was preferable.

I knew that my website was awful, my website provider was frustrating, and neither could support the online classes that I wanted to create. The first Little How was “Find a web designer.” I broke that one into even smaller steps: 1) Search for WordPress web designers, 2) Look at their work online, 3) Outline what I want my website to do, 4) Set up interviews with web designers, and  5) Pick one!

I use the same system to get started on our taxes each year. I will stare at “Do taxes” on my list and shudder. It is just too big a task until I break it down. I list the Little Hows: 1) Print off forms, 2) Collect W-2s, 3) Gather bank statements, 4) Find business receipts, etc. I get it done by focusing on the small steps, not the big picture.  By even doing one small thing a day, I make respectable progress.

Progress is what life is all about! We can move forward, make our desires a reality, and achieve that sense of fulfillment by thoughtfully choosing the goals and methodically taking small steps toward them. In other words, ensure your goals have a Big Why that resonates with your heart and then define the Little Hows that will baby-step toward your goal.

Here’s my video on Goals: Big Why and Little Hows: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KtsfQrz3uc