Tag Archives: #goals

New Year’s Eve

31 Tuesday Dec 2019

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Today is New Year’s Eve. It’s a day when we have one foot in the past and one foot in the future. Although I advocate living in the moment as much as possible, we can gain some insights and direction by spending some time looking at our feet.

Let’s start with the past. There are several questions that we can ask ourselves.

1. What did you enjoy doing this year? If we know the specific activities that we liked doing, we can intentionally plan experiences in 2020 that bring us joy.

For example, I enjoyed the various craft activities that I did. I made a glass egg, threw a pot, and made one of those super chunky blankets. They were all classes that I did with a friend. I will schedule a few of those types of classes in 2020.

I very much enjoy spending time with my children and their families. I adore each and every one of them. I want to be sure and schedule trips to see them all in 2020.

Lastly, I am one of the most fortunate people on the planet because I love what I do! I love standing up in front of groups and talking about leadership concepts with them. I always enjoy honing my skills and will schedule some professional development classes during the year. Maybe I will join Toastmasters!

2. What is your biggest regret in 2019? I’m not into wallowing or wishing things had turned out differently. However, knowing what we did or didn’t do that caused us to feel bad can help us avoid repeating that particular regret. It’s important to focus only on actions that we have control over. I might regret not getting a gig, but I didn’t have control over that. Now, if I regret not preparing for my interview for the job properly, that’s something that I can analyze and figure out how to do better next time.

3. What did you really hate about your days in 2019? This one is tricky. Sometimes we have to do things that we don’t really enjoy. For me, that’s fixing food. I don’t like cooking, and I haven’t figured out a way to get rid of that task because I also like eating fresh, clean food. For now, I power through fixing healthy, healing meals.

I also dislike cleaning the bathroom, and I’ve already handed that task off. I redid my budget so that I could afford a cleaning team every other week.

It’s trickier if you hate things about your work, but useful to chronicle them. If I know what I dislike about my workday, I can try to do less of that – but now always. However, if I look for a new job in the new year, I know what things I do not want in my daily work life.

4. What are you grateful for? What people and events did you encounter for which you feel profound gratitude? Cultivating an attitude of gratitude is the foundation of a positive attitude. It’s important that we acknowledge all of the gifts that we’ve been given.

I have much to be grateful for! My youngest son got married in 2019 to a wonderful young woman who is now pregnant with my third grandchild. I have a contract with an organization whose people I love. I seriously enjoy working with them and am so grateful for that opportunity. I love my family. I enjoy talking with them and being with them. I am grateful for my condo that I call Xanadu. It’s a home to call my own that is cozy and filled with things I like. I am grateful for my freedom. I sleep and eat when I want. No one questions my actions or purchases or sleep patterns. I am grateful for my community of friends. I have people who care about me, and I them. I love my car! Her name is Amber, and we travel all the time together.

My list continues, and my heart warms just thinking about it. Gratitude is a powerful tool – and it feels good!

We’ve just taken the first step in Boyatzis’ Intentional Change Theory – take stock of where you are. The second step is to visualize where and who you want to be, doing what. All of the answers are in the answers to the questions that we asked ourselves.

Sometimes it helps to think about the segments of our lives, such as work, home, friends, and hobbies. We can visualize each segment in great detail and decide what would be ideal for each.

For example, for work I see myself up in front of a room of dedicated individuals who want to become the best versions of themselves. That one is really close to my current reality, so there isn’t much to change there. I did say that I wanted to do some professional development, so I need to keep that in mind.

For community, I see myself taking craft classes, going to movies, eating out, and playing games with my friends. The only thing that doesn’t happen now is playing games. Perhaps there is a game night in my future?

Now, we decide what we want to include and what we want to get rid of. We know where we are (the answers to the questions) and what we want (the visualizations). What’s left is to decide what we need to do to get from one to the other.

Take some time with this list. It’s your strategy for 2020. Start with a long list of things that you want to add. Make another list of the things you want to toss. What things do you want to change or do differently? Make sure that everything that you list is in alignment with your visualizations.

Now prioritize your list. What are the most important things for you to do or not do? The important things can usually be separated into short- and long-term goals.

A few of the things on my shortlist include finishing the book that I’ve started, creating structured time to spend with family, incorporating some type of daily exercise, and starting a game night. I use my 2020 calendar for planning.

For example, I have lots of commitments for the first part of the year. I won’t be starting my book until July, so I put it in my list of goals for July in my calendar.

I don’t like to do the same type of exercise every day, and my stamina is a bit unpredictable. The best I can do is schedule a time each day and commit to doing something physical during that time.

I will need to decide how often I want to have game night and coordinate with my friends. I also want to plan a big family vacation in 2021. I will work out a savings plan and coordinate the time in 2020.

You get the idea. Some actions are daily, and some are long-term. To move our lives forward, we need both. We create the life that we want in bits by deciding what’s important to us and taking intentional actions.

One last note: Stuff happens. Things we don’t plan for get in the way. Sometimes we have to let go of one plan and create a new one. That sounds easier than it is, but it is necessary. Continuing to hold onto a vision that cannot happen is not productive. Let it go, and move on.

The last step of Intentional Change Theory is to get support. We are more likely to achieve our goals if we tell others about them. We increase our chances again when we enlist their aid.

Remember the power in the Magic Wand of Destiny. With determination and a clear direction, we can get just about anywhere and achieve lots of cool stuff. Good stuff.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Becoming the Wise and Powerful You

28 Tuesday Mar 2017

Posted by in Leadership, Uncategorized, Uncovering Your Authentic Self

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March Series: Uncovering Your Authentic Self

Becoming the Wise and Powerful You

Last week, we created the lists below. If you didn’t do the exercises, then take some time now to get to know yourself better.

  1. Things I enjoy doing
  2. Things I do not like to do
  3. My superpowers
  4. Characteristics I want to minimize
  5. Values my ideal self holds dear
  6. My ideal self’s priorities right now
  7. Beliefs that support my ideal self
  8. Beliefs that I hold now for which my ideal self has no use
  9. One category on the Wheel of Life that I want to improve in order to help me become my ideal self
  10. Possible careers/jobs that my ideal self would love

Let’s start with a visualization. Keeping everything in mind that you have learned about yourself, picture your Ideal Self going through a day. What time do you get up? What’s the first thing that you do? What sort of clothes are you wearing? What does your house look like? Who are the people that you talk with on a normal day? Include all five senses in your visualization. What smells surround you?

If you would like to listen to a guided visualization, I have one under the “Free Stuff” tab on my website. (http://www.tapferconsulting.com/free-stuff/) It’s called “Future Self Visualization.”

Now, we are searching for gaps between your Now Self and your Ideal Self. The Wheel of Life gives us a good structure for analysis. (If you haven’t already, you can download the Wheel of Life here: http://www.tapferconsulting.com/free-stuff/) There are eight categories to consider: Family, Physical Environment, Fun and Friends, Personal Growth, Money, Health, Significant Other/Romance, and Career. In which category is the biggest gap between your Now Self and your Ideal Self? Where could you get the biggest bang for your buck if you invested some time and energy in improving an area?

It could be that you are really bothered by your physical environment at home. The solution to your annoyance could be simplifying and organizing. However, if you live in a tiny apartment and want to up-size, then that requires more money. Would it be best to focus on the Money category or the Career category?

Your analysis is going to be highly individualized, but let’s follow through with this example. Let’s say that my family and I are very crowded in our current house, and we want to move into a bigger place. Bigger places are more expensive, and we can’t afford it right now.

Would it be best for me to focus on money or career? If I focus on money, then I could learn how to invest or get a second job. Maybe we could all reduce spending so that we could put more towards a bigger place. That’s one option.

Perhaps a better option is to focus on my career. What could I do to get a promotion? Is a career change in order? If I learn how to write computer code, would I earn more money and get to work from home some of the time?

Now, it’s time to check those options against my vision of my Ideal Self. What would my Ideal Self do? How would she handle the situation? What actions will help me move toward my ultimate life goals at retirement or end-of-work?

Now, I want to look at the options in terms of values and priorities. Which options are in alignment with my stated goals and priorities? If family was my top priority, then it might not make sense to get a second job and spend less time with them.

I also want to look at how I can best use my superpowers. Where do I have an advantage because of a superpower? How can use what I am naturally good at to my advantage. I learn things quickly and am very logical in my thinking. I’m also good at staying on track and finishing things. Learning to code computer software is looking like a good option.

Now, I want to look at my beliefs about the world and myself. Which ones will support me and which ones will hinder me? What new ones can I create to help me? We can change our habitual thinking by replacing one thought with another. We can also create new beliefs. One way is to put sticky notes with the new belief in prominent places. Another way is to practice my game of “Cancel That Order.” I wrote about it for Day 9 of my 53 Leadership Challenges, and I’ve put a pdf that you can download here: http://www.tapferconsulting.com/free-stuff/

Use the same steps to analyze your Wheel of Life and create goals. Maybe you feel lonely and want to focus on the category of Fun and Friends – or maybe Significant Other/Romance! Perhaps you feel a spiritual emptiness and want grow your faith. Your path could be through the Personal Growth category or finding a spiritual community in Fun and Friends. Find the gap between your Now Self and Ideal Self and then dig down to the root.

Here is a step-by-step guide:

  1. Look at your Wheel of Life. Dig down to the root cause of the gap. For example, I am not happy with my Physical Environment, but I need to focus on Career to change it.
  2. Ask yourself which options and actions are most aligned with your values and priorities.
  3. Which options allow you to leverage your superpowers? We don’t call them superpowers for nothing! Your superpowers are things that you naturally do well. They are things you do better than most other people. Use them to your advantage!
  4. Determine what beliefs will support you and which ones are holding you back. If you hear yourself saying something like, “Oh, I will never be able to do that,” then you’ve got a limiting belief lurking somewhere. Pick a belief that will help you and post it everywhere. It could be a simple as “God has a plan for me” or “Everything will turn out for the highest good of all.” In my example, I would use “I am a fabulous coder!”

Analyzing yourself and your life is a difficult thing. Creating goals is another challenge. The behavior change required to reach your goals is one of the hardest things to do. Get help! Hire a coach, create a group with supportive friends, or enlist your family’s help.

You are solving the unique puzzle of you. There aren’t any right or wrong answers. Give something a try! If it doesn’t work out, then try something else! Unfortunately, none of us come with an owner’s manual that tells us exactly what to do. In truth, that’s a good thing. Life is about discovery, change, and growth. Some of the best moments come from the revelation of ourselves to ourselves.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Intentions

24 Tuesday Jan 2017

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January Series: Fresh Start

Intentions

I’ve been reading a lot about the difference between resolutions and intentions lately. Usually the author advocates for one over the other, but I believe that they are both valuable. In addition, I’ve thought about it and determined that goals and resolutions aren’t necessarily the same things. Here’s how we can use resolutions, goals, and intentions to help us succeed.

Let’s start with resolutions. Many times, resolutions are things that we want to do. For example, I could make my New Year’s resolution “I will exercise three times a week.” It’s a resolution that goes on my To Do List.

My goal would be the reason why I want to exercise three times a week. It’s important that our goals resonate with our hearts. I talked about goals at the beginning of the month and you can read that blog here: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2017/01/03/creating-goals/.

For this example, let’s say that my goals are to maintain my weight and be able to stand up from the floor while holding my granddaughter. She was four months old when she visited for Christmas, and she weighed about 15 pounds. I’m including a lot of squats in my exercise routine!

Both resolutions and goals are useful in getting us where we want to go. Now let’s add an intention. An intention is a guideline for making decisions. I like to think of it as the ruler that we hold up to any decision to see if it is in alignment with our goals and values.

For example, my intention this year is to lead a healthy life, both emotionally and physically. Any time an opportunity presents itself, I will ask, “Will doing this make me more healthy or less healthy?” There are lots of studies that show one glass of wine is healthy for you, but I’d have a hard time getting a second glass of wine past my test!

Our intentions are what help us stay on track as we go through the year and make choices. Last year, my intention was to engage. I ordered a small silver bracelet engraved with “ENGAGE.” I am a Star Trek Next Generation fan so it had an extra fun meaning; it’s what Captain Picard says when he wants the ship to get moving.

Last year, my resolution was to get out more; my goal was to create a business and personal community; and my intention was to engage. Together, the three together helped me stay on track and achieve my goal.

I have one friend whose intention was “Create More White Space.” She was feeling a little overwhelmed, and she wanted more time to relax and to be with her family. Another friend’s intention was “Create Financial Freedom.” Each time she had a choice or opportunity, her first consideration was, “Will this move me closer to financial freedom?”

One of the great things about an intention is that it’s a short-term structure to help you move ahead on a current priority. Next year, you can pick a new one! You can pick a new one each month or every six months. An intention is just a decision helper; something to remind you of what is important to you right now and what you want to achieve.

As we finish up January, it’s important to have a clear picture of where we want to go in 2017. Use resolutions, goals, and intentions to help us get there.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Dealing With Gremlins

17 Tuesday Jan 2017

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January Series: Fresh Start

Dealing With Gremlins

We all have a voice or two in our head that tell us not to do things. Those voices are our Gremlins. They say things like  “don’t try for that job! You will be so disappointed if you don’t get it” and “if you play charades, you might look foolish, and people will laugh at you.”

Our Gremlins’ job is to keep us safe, and they take it very seriously. They want us to live a life as free from pain and disappointment as possible. If we follow our Gremlins’ advice, we live a small life with few risks. We don’t take chances on life, career, or love. The less we expect or want, the less disappointment we experience.

Our Gremlins often pop up when we are setting goals. If we set an audacious, exciting goal, our Gremlins might say, “You can’t reach that goal. You will be disappointed. You should make a smaller goal.”  Remember, our Gremlins’ priority is safety, and they don’t care if their advice leads to a stagnant, boring life.

Besides, living a disappointment-free life is impossible. Things don’t always go according to plan. Even if we try our best to avoid embarrassment, we are going to goof up in public now and then. Embarrassment, disappointment, and failure are important parts of life! We learn and grow from adversity. Each unpleasant event that we overcome helps us to face the next challenge better. We need to explain this to our Gremlins.

When making goals, take your Gremlin by the hand, and lead it into another room. Say, “Thank you for trying to keep me safe. I appreciate that. However, I’ve got this.” Then leave the Gremlin alone in the room and go write some goals.

We want our goals to be attainable, but we also want them to be a bit of stretch. A great goal feels a little bit scary but exciting. A good goal will definitely make your Gremlin nervous, but you can do it!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.


 

Creating Goals

03 Tuesday Jan 2017

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January Series: Fresh Start

I love January! A new year always feels like a new beginning to me. We get to decide who we want to be and what we want to focus on this year. We also have the opportunity to leave behind traits, mindsets, behaviors, and people that don’t support our goals for the year. It’s the time to wipe the slate clean and put up nice, new, neat lettering that clearly shows who we want to be this year.

Creating Goals (a.k.a. New Year’s Resolutions)

Happy New Year! During this time, lots of us choose to make New Year’s resolutions. These resolutions are goals; things that we want to achieve. The problem with resolutions is that we tend to start strong, but our determination slowly fades. At some point, we end up asking ourselves why we didn’t stick to our resolutions.

The actual choosing part of the goal is the most important piece. The goal must resonate with our hearts. If it is not something that we truly want, then we aren’t going to put in the hard work to achieve it. We must find the Big Why for our goal and hold onto it. Here is a link to a blog I wrote on finding your Big Why: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2015/01/19/goals-big-why-and-little-hows

Even if we really want to achieve a goal that resonates with our hearts, it sometimes still takes a little creativity to achieve it. Let’s say that becoming fit and lean is a goal that I really want to achieve. I know that I will feel healthier, have more energy, and keep up with my granddaughter better. However, I hate to run, and I detest crowded aerobics classes. In order to accomplish this goal, I need to get creative. Maybe I could learn a martial art or take a kickboxing class. Perhaps I could join a bike club. It could be that I just need to find a buddy to go walking with me. The key is to think creatively and find a way to accomplish the goal without forcing myself to do things I hate.

Sometimes heart goals need a dose of realism attached. For example, I am physically limited in the exercise that I can do. I had brain surgery in 2009 that resulted in a few tiny platinum coils of wire being inserted into my brain. Since the surgery, if I exercise enough to break a sweat, I become ill. I get nauseous and a little dizzy. For up to a week, I will have a rocking headache.

I must accept that I am never going to run a marathon or even a 5K, no matter how much I want to do so. Although those could be real, heart goals that resonate with me, I need to acknowledge who and where I am, and honor that.

Trust me, I went through a huge pity party when I first figured out that I’d recovered as much as I was going to recover. I wasn’t fond of my new normal at all. However, there wasn’t a way to change my limitations. I had to work with them ad adjust my goals accordingly. I can still reach my own highest level of fitness, but it requires creativity as well as some trial and error.

Since I usually work from home, I take short exercise breaks every hour or so. I use three pound weights and straps that attach to a door to do exercises throughout the day. The straps are in the bathroom so I do modified squats each time I go in there. I don’t break a sweat, so I can be dressed for the day. In addition to strength training, I try to walk 30 minutes each day. That gives my heart and lungs an extended workout at a pace that I can handle.

I do have fitness goals, but they are realistic goals that I can achieve without making myself ill. Setting goals that are challenging (and a little intimidating), but also within reach can be a difficult dance best done with a partner. A life coach or trusted friend can help you sort out dreams from pipe dreams. Spending time and energy on a goal that cannot happen is an exercise in frustration and a waste of time.

So here is our summary of how to achieve our goals:

1. Establish a goal that resonates with your heart.

2. Make sure it’s doable. It’s OK for the goal to feel scary and little out of your reach. However, do a firm reality check on it. One way to know if something is possible is to make sure you can do the actions needed to reach that goal. Make the goal achievable. I can’t run a 5K, but I could work up to walking one!

3. Get creative. We can overcome a lot of obstacles, both mental and physical, with a little creativity. If you feel stuck, a life coach is a great person to help you expand your awareness and create new possibilities.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

 Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

 If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 9: Finding the Flourish Space

27 Sunday Nov 2016

Posted by in Leadership, Lessons From The Lawn

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Lessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous and didn’t result in anything with splendid color. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot sitting in the grass for a summer.

Lesson 9: Finding the Flourish Space

In my front lawn, there are different environmental conditions for plants. Parts of the lawn get full sun most of the day, while other parts are very shady. Some sections get part sun and part shade. The big trees suck up the moisture and challenge all the plants under them.

Different grasses grow best in certain types of environments. I have one type of grass that flourishes in full sun, but doesn’t do well in shade. Another type of grass does well in shade, but burns to a crisp in full sun. Under the trees, I planted an ornamental grass that can grow in shade and hold its own in the fight with the tree for moisture.

If I tried to use one type of grass for every part of the lawn, I would have large bare spots. No one grass flourishes in all areas and conditions. I have to pay attention to what flourishes where. When I plant grass in an area that has both sun and shade, I mix the seeds of two types of grass. Then, I wait to see which one will end up doing best in that area.

People are like grass in that we don’t flourish under all conditions. We can function and even create success under most conditions, but to truly flourish, we need to find our unique nourishing environment. When we identify our best conditions, things are easier. There is a sense of flow and ease.

We can’t define our flourishing space until we do some self-examination. Here are some questions to help you determine your best environment:

 Do you prefer working with people or working alone?

Do you like getting lots of attention or do you prefer to work outside the limelight?

Does a frantic pace rev your engines or do you prefer a slower pace?

Do you like lots of interaction with others?

Does working as part of a team appeal to you?

Do you like working in a noisy place or a quiet one?

Do you enjoy being creative?

Is collaborating important to you or would you rather do it your own way?

Do you like recognition?

Do you enjoy public speaking?

Is the purpose of your work important?

Is making money a top priority?

Do you like challenges?

Is possible promotion important?

Do you want to be surrounded by people who are similar to you or do you enjoy people with diverse views?

There aren’t right or wrong answers to these questions. Just like grass, people grow and perform best in environments suited to them. We can struggle along and do a good job most anywhere, but to truly enjoy work and reach our full potential, we need our flourishing space.

Another way to define our best environment is to think back to times when we felt like we were in our groove and things were easy. What was the environment like in those times? We can learn a lot by examining our past.

People often say that they don’t know what they like. That’s common. How can you know if you like something if you haven’t experienced it? The solution is to get out there and try! Once you take a job or create a certain environment, pay attention to what you like and don’t like about it. Make a list! You might decide that you want to work from home at least two days a week. Maybe you like doing data analysis, but you hate answering phones. Perhaps you like being in charge and want to start your own business! It’s like planting two types of grass and seeing which one does best.

As you move through your life and career, look for environments that give you more of what you like and less of what you don’t like. Each job, whether volunteer or for pay, should be closer to your ideal than the last one. You get to craft your flourishing space over time. It only requires you to pay attention and choose intentionally.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 4: Peaky Blinders Syndrome

25 Tuesday Oct 2016

Posted by in Lessons From The Lawn, Uncategorized

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front-yard-picLessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous and didn’t result in anything with splendid color. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot sitting in the grass for a summer.

Lesson 4: Peaky Blinders Syndrome

During the summer, I watched a British TV series called Peaky Blinders. It’s a post-World War I story about soldiers turned gangsters in England. It is a cool, but violent, show. I am not recommending that everyone watch it, but it does illustrate an interesting concept.

The Peaky Blinders gang had elaborate schemes to make money and gain power. There are three seasons out right now and somewhere in the first season, the leader of the gang began to promise that they would go legit. He said that they would become a legal operation after this “one last job.”

Obviously they haven’t become boring, legal businessmen; the series would be over! They keep doing “one last job.” However, we all get stuck waiting for or doing “one more thing” in various aspects of our lives.

When I started working in the yard, I would head out the door with the intention of working for a certain period of time. However, I almost always stayed out longer to do “one more thing.” I was going to finish this strip or get that one patch of weeds, but then I continued to do one more strip or one more patch. I named this phenomenon Peaky Blinders Syndrome in honor of the gang that constantly is doing “one more job.”

We can become victims of Peaky Blinders Syndrome in situations when we need to set boundaries. We might think, “Well, next time that coworker puts me down, I will say something.” We don’t really want a confrontation so we put up with it one more time.

We can suffer Peaky Blinders Syndrome with our friends. We all have had a friend that takes advantage of the relationship. He or she gets us to pay or do things that we really aren’t interested in doing. Sometimes this friend talks all about themselves and doesn’t listen to us. Instead of speaking up or ending the friendship, we tell ourselves that we will deal with it next time.

The worst case scenario of Peaky Blinders Syndrome is with addictions. One more of anything beyond what we decide to consume or buy can be a problem. If we talk ourselves into one more drink or one more pair of shoes when those things aren’t in our best interests, we are stuck in a very destructive version of Peaky Blinders Syndrome.

On the grandest scale we tell ourselves that we will be happy enough or rich enough when this “one thing” happens. When it does happen, we still aren’t happy enough or rich enough, and we continue to wait for the one next thing.

We fall into Peaky Blinders Syndrome for a couple of reasons. First, we are doing something that we like, something that brings us pleasure. That isn’t all bad! It’s only a problem when we are ignoring other things we want to do or when it becomes an obsession. Sometimes I stayed out in the yard because weeding was more enjoyable than the tedious tasks that waited for me in the house.

We can also fall into Peaky Blinders Syndrome because we are avoiding a confrontation or something we don’t want to do. We tell ourselves that we will put up with the unhelpful situation or person one more time. It can be hard to stand up for yourself if you aren’t skilled or experienced at doing so.

So, ack! What’s a person to do to avoid Peaky Blinders Syndrome? First, set limits. Really draw a line in the sand and mean it. A limit can be a budget or note in your calendar. When I worked in the yard, I set an alarm on my phone.  It’s important that it’s a firm limit that you really mean!

Second, create some accountability by telling people what your limit is. You might tell a friend “I want to be out of this job in one year” or “Here is what I am going to say the next time Fred makes an inappropriate comment.” It helps to know that someone is going to ask if you are on track and not existing with Peaky Blinders Syndrome. I would tell my husband when I planned to come in the house from weeding, and if I was later than 30 minutes past my deadline, he usually would come and check on me.

Outside accountability is helpful; however, it’s important not to shift the responsibility to someone else. They are your support, not your police. It’s not their job to stand over you and make sure you do what you have said you want to do. Ultimately, the responsibility is yours.

Finally, if you find that the behavior feels compulsive or you can’t ever stand up for yourself, it’s time to get professional help. Talk to a therapist, coach, or both. There are professionals who can help you create the life that you want, a life free of Peaky Blinders Syndrome.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 1: Chunking Down the Vision

04 Tuesday Oct 2016

Posted by in Lessons From The Lawn

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Lessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous, and it didn’t result in any splendid color around the lawn. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot from sitting in the grass for a summer.

Lesson 1: Chunking Down the Vision

First, you need a vision, also known as a goal. It needs to be something you want to create or achieve. If the end state of your vision feels exciting and invigorating, then you are on the right track. The best visions also feel a little overwhelming. They look like they might be too big to accomplish!

My vision was to weed the front yard by hand. I could see the finished product of a beautiful expanse of chemical-free grass. I wanted to create it. I looked forward to spending time outside, and I was committed to using as few poisons as possible. However, you can see from the picture that it was a big yard, and there were a lot of weeds. I couldn’t face it all in the beginning. It seemed like too much for one person to accomplish. So, I chunked it down into smaller pieces.

I decided to start with just the grass on one side of the sidewalk that led to the front door. From that area of grass, I picked a smaller piece that was directly in front of the house. It would give me a beautiful weed-free view out of my front windows.

I created a grid on that first piece. I started at the house and worked my way down the sidewalk. When I got to the sidewalk that runs by the street, I turned around and did the next strip back to the house. I went out at dawn when it was cool, and I would work for an hour or so. It took me about a week to get that small section done, but it looked great! I could see the possibility for the rest of the yard. Anything I did was an improvement.

Then, I took on other pieces of the yard. I set time limits and concentrated on the process. I celebrated each accomplishment. Each section that I completed gave me more confidence and motivation. I began to believe that I could get the entire yard done.

I used the same method of Chunking Down the Vision when I created my first online course. I had “Create online classes” on my to do list for years! It was a big vision, a huge goal that was completely overwhelming. Finally, I chunked it down into smaller steps and got started. The first item on my list was “Find a web designer.” Finding a web designer that could see my vision and wasn’t intimidated by it took about six weeks of interviews. Then, I started working on down my list of small tasks.

The big difference between weeding the yard and creating an online class was the predictability. The weeding process didn’t present many surprises. Maybe there were a few more weeds than I expected sometimes. I did learn that only a few cute clover leaves can mean a gridlocked mess of roots. However, I just took it section by section and everything went according to plan.

The creation of the online class took me places I never planned to go. When I started recording the first video, I had to do it over so many times that I couldn’t stand to do it again. So many things about it were not good.

I took my first detour off of the planned path by creating YouTube videos to practice. YouTube videos weren’t in the original plan, but I needed to master recording video and audio before I could move on. It took lots of tries and in the end I owned a camcorder, an external audio recorder, and I knew how to edit videos in Adobe Premiere.

Once I figured out how to create acceptable quality videos, I was ready to begin recording the class again. Learning about video and audio wasn’t one of the original steps, but it came up. So, I broke that new goal down into small steps and got it done.

You can use the same system for your big vision. First, is it a vision or goal that you really want? I get such a feeling of peace and satisfaction when I look out over my weed-free, chemical-free lawn. Does the vision of your finished product or outcome make you feel motivated?

Second, is the vision big enough? The best goals are big ones that feel a little overwhelming.

Third, chunk it down! Write out the small steps you must take to get started. Chunking down also works for things like “Do the taxes.” Ack! Break it down. For example, the list might look like this:

1) Download IRS forms.

2) Collect/find W-2s.

3) Find receipts.

Doing just one thing a day will move you toward the finish. Once you get started, it’s easier to keep going.

Fourth, celebrate the chunks. When you finish one step of a process, bask in the glory for a few minutes. Revel in the feeling of accomplishment. When I finish writing this article, I am rewarding myself with 15 minutes outside in the grass.

Finally, don’t be afraid of the unplanned detours. Sometimes you get a shortcut. Sometimes you get a longer scenic route. Stay on the path toward your vision and you will get there.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at http://bit.ly/29RYzx0.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at http://bit.ly/29PcAQD.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

The Power of Habits

12 Thursday Mar 2015

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership

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Habits are power. Like all power, it can be used for good or for ill. We have a tendency to focus on our negative habits. A search for “habit” graphic art resulted in pictures of a lot of bad habits such as smoking and overeating. We talk about our bad habits and work to get rid of them, but rarely mention our good habits.

In reality our days are made up of good, bad, and neutral habits. One study done by a researcher at Duke determined that 40% of our daily activities are habits which can include: the time we get up, the way we get ready in the morning, our mid-morning trip to the vending machine, our lunch-time exercise, and our before-bed snack or sit-ups. Some habits help us more than others.

Intentionally crafting useful habits can help us achieve our goals. However, we first need a clear vision of a goal that speaks to our heart. (You can read about the importance of a Big Why for your goal here: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2015/01/19/goals-big-why-and-little-hows/) Using the power of habits without direction can powerfully move you around in circles. First, we clearly define our goal.

Then we explicitly state the steps that we need to take to achieve our goal. It’s important to break big goals down into little steps. Then we look at our small steps and figure out a way to make them into habits. Let’s look at an example.

I want to do a better job of taking care of myself. My goal is a moderate level of fitness and health, nothing extreme. I can visualize a vibrant, energetic me. It speaks to my heart; I can remember vividly how great I feel when I am taking time to exercise and eat well. It’s a wonderful feeling of power and I am way more motivated when I feel that way. I have a goal with a Big Why.

Now I create a list of things I want to do to achieve that goal. It could include lots of things like walking for 20 minutes four times a week, doing yoga twice a week, cutting out all soft drinks, etc. I don’t want to tackle them all at once. For a sustained lifestyle change, I pick one, make it a habit, and then move on to the next one.

When I do leadership workshops, I am standing up all day. When I stand for long periods of time, my back hurts if I haven’t been doing abdominal exercises regularly so that’s what I want to start with. I could decide to incorporate abdominal exercises in a variety of ways. I could do them first thing in the morning or take a break at a set time on the days when I am working at home. I think I want to do them first thing in the morning, Monday through Friday. Now I have established what I want to do, when I want to do it, and why I want to do it. All necessary!

Now comes the work. I must set my alarm 15 minutes earlier than I need to get ready. As soon as the alarm goes off, I get down on the floor at the foot of the bed and do my abdominal exercises. It takes around a month to create a habit so that means purposefully and intentionally getting up Monday through Friday and doing the exercises. It will take some willpower in the beginning to make myself get up and do them. However, it gets easier as time goes on. Eventually, I will stop fighting myself and just get up and do it without any expenditure of emotional energy. When that happens, I’ve made it a habit! It takes some willpower to get a habit established, but once it’s rolling along it takes very little emotional energy to maintain it. Once this habit is firmly in place, I can establish another one. Doing pushups in a door frame at 10:30am comes to mind, but it could be anything that will help me move closer to my goal.

One-by-one we can build a foundation of habits that will help us achieve our goals with little stress and angst. Uncle Ben told Spiderman, “With great power comes great responsibility,” and that is especially true about the power of habits in relation to the responsibility we have to ourselves to lead a fulfilling life. If we use the power of habits without thinking or planning, we create a life of frustration and stagnation. If we use the power wisely, we can achieve great things and create the life of our dreams.

Watch the video on this topic here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAziOrVsM3E

Create More Space in Life’s Garden

02 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Positivity

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We are shaped in many ways by our childhood experiences because we interpret them from a child’s perspective – they were a big deal to our Little Self. Once we interpret the experience, we often establish a belief around it that we carry with us for the rest of our lives. Not all of those beliefs serve us in adulthood.

It’s easiest to explain with an example. Let’s say that when you were young, you loved to draw, but one day someone told you that your elephant looked like a rock with a garden hose attached to it. First, it hurt your feelings. Then you internalized the event by thinking that you were not a good artist and that you couldn’t draw. We don’t like having our feelings hurt so you decided to avoid being hurt by not drawing ever again.

Lack of drawing skill is a common childhood belief brought into adulthood as is “I can’t dance, sing, and/or write.” It takes time to learn those skills. We know that as adults, but as kids we just decide we are not talented after our first attempts and it’s better not to try.

Comments made to us in childhood can also affect our self-image for good or for bad. My Mom was usually very kind about my looks so I have a good self-image around my appearance. When she brushed my hair she said that it looked like spun gold. As a consequence, I like my hair and resist all of my hair stylist’s attempts to get me to color it. It’s great to hold on to the childhood beliefs that serve us in adulthood. If you decided back then that you were smart, handsome, creative, tenacious, determined or lovable, keep those!

However, my Mom also once made a passing comment about my having big ears. If you’ve watched my video on this topic (link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3-c3fZdAL4), you have seen that my ears aren’t huge, but I was self-conscious about them for a very long time. It wasn’t until high school that someone else told me emphatically that I did not have big ears. I was close enough to adult status to take in the comment with a little maturity and realize that Mom may have been kidding or just having a bad day. I am now at peace with my ears.

The beliefs can be big or small – anything from your ability to dance to your ability to have successful relationships. Your Little Self inside still feels the emotions attached to the experience strongly so take your Little Self by the hand and walk up to the belief and look at it from an adult perspective. Decide that you can learn to draw and that you are not doomed to failed relationships. Analyze what happened through the lens of adult maturity. It often doesn’t look near as big, scary, intimidating or meaningful.

Clearing out those unhelpful childhood beliefs can be very freeing. If we think of our lives as a garden, when we are born it is open with lots of space. We start having some negative experiences and fence off parts of our garden and declare them off-limits. “I’m not going to draw anymore,” “I will wear my hair over my ears always,” and “I can’t dance” become things we say to ourselves over and over again. We believe them without conscious thought or question. By stepping up to the fenced-off area and peering into it as an adult, we can see the experience from a different perspective and decide not to let it limit us anymore. We take down the fence and free up that space! We can try to draw and see if we like it. We can wear our hair short and show off our ears. We can dance to our heart’s content.

The more fenced-off areas we clear, the more room we have to live and play! So grab your Little Self by the hand, clear some fences, and dance together – you’ll have lots of space.