Tag Archives: #beliefs

Creating More Space in Life’s Garden

26 Tuesday Feb 2019

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We are shaped in many ways by our childhood experiences because we interpret them from a child’s perspective – they were a big deal to our Little Self. Once we interpret the experience, we often establish a belief around it that we carry with us for the rest of our lives. Not all of those beliefs serve us in adulthood.

It’s easiest to explain with an example. Let’s say that when you were young, you loved to draw, but one day someone told you that your elephant looked like a rock with a garden hose attached to it. First, it hurt your feelings. Then you internalized the event by thinking that you were not a good artist and that you couldn’t draw. We don’t like having our feelings hurt, so you decided to avoid being hurt by not drawing ever again.

Lack of drawing skill is a common childhood belief brought into adulthood, as is “I can’t dance, sing, and/or write.” It takes time to learn those skills. We know that as adults, but as kids, we just decide we are not talented after our first attempts and that it’s better not to try.

Comments made to us in childhood can also affect our self-image, for good or for bad. My mom was usually very kind about my looks, so I have a good self-image around my appearance. When she brushed my hair, she said that it looked like spun gold. Consequently, I like my hair and resist all of my hair stylist’s attempts to get me to color it. It’s great to hold on to the childhood beliefs that serve us in adulthood. If you decided back then that you were smart, handsome, creative, tenacious, determined or lovable, keep those!

However, my mom also once made a passing comment about my having big ears. My ears aren’t huge, but I was self-conscious about them for a very long time. It wasn’t until high school that someone else told me emphatically that I did not have big ears. I was close enough to adult status to take in the comment with a little maturity and realize that Mom may have been kidding or just having a bad day. I am now at peace with my ears.

The beliefs can be big or small – anything from our ability to dance to our ability to have successful relationships. Our Little Self inside still feels the emotions attached to the experience strongly, so take your Little Self by the hand, walk up to the belief, and look at it from an adult perspective. Decide that you can learn to draw and that you are not doomed to failed relationships. Analyze what happened through the lens of adult maturity. It often doesn’t look nearly as big, scary, intimidating or meaningful.

Clearing out those unhelpful childhood beliefs can be very freeing. If we think of our lives as a garden, when we are born the garden is open with lots of space. We start having some negative experiences and fence off parts of our garden and declare them off-limits. “I’m not going to draw anymore,” “I will wear my hair over my ears always,” and “I can’t dance” become things we say to ourselves over and over again. We believe them without conscious thought or question. By stepping up to the fenced-off area and peering into it as an adult, we can see the experience from a different perspective and decide not to let it limit us anymore. We take down the fence and free up that space! We can try to draw and see if we like it. We can wear our hair short and show off our ears. We can dance to our heart’s content.

The more fenced-off areas we clear, the more room we have to live and play! Facing strongly held beliefs can be daunting. If it feels like an overwhelming task, get a life coach to help you with the process. Either alone, or with a coach, grab your Little Self by the hand, clear some fences, and dance together – you’ll have lots of space.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Becoming the Wise and Powerful You

28 Tuesday Mar 2017

Posted by in Leadership, Uncategorized, Uncovering Your Authentic Self

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March Series: Uncovering Your Authentic Self

Becoming the Wise and Powerful You

Last week, we created the lists below. If you didn’t do the exercises, then take some time now to get to know yourself better.

  1. Things I enjoy doing
  2. Things I do not like to do
  3. My superpowers
  4. Characteristics I want to minimize
  5. Values my ideal self holds dear
  6. My ideal self’s priorities right now
  7. Beliefs that support my ideal self
  8. Beliefs that I hold now for which my ideal self has no use
  9. One category on the Wheel of Life that I want to improve in order to help me become my ideal self
  10. Possible careers/jobs that my ideal self would love

Let’s start with a visualization. Keeping everything in mind that you have learned about yourself, picture your Ideal Self going through a day. What time do you get up? What’s the first thing that you do? What sort of clothes are you wearing? What does your house look like? Who are the people that you talk with on a normal day? Include all five senses in your visualization. What smells surround you?

If you would like to listen to a guided visualization, I have one under the “Free Stuff” tab on my website. (http://www.tapferconsulting.com/free-stuff/) It’s called “Future Self Visualization.”

Now, we are searching for gaps between your Now Self and your Ideal Self. The Wheel of Life gives us a good structure for analysis. (If you haven’t already, you can download the Wheel of Life here: http://www.tapferconsulting.com/free-stuff/) There are eight categories to consider: Family, Physical Environment, Fun and Friends, Personal Growth, Money, Health, Significant Other/Romance, and Career. In which category is the biggest gap between your Now Self and your Ideal Self? Where could you get the biggest bang for your buck if you invested some time and energy in improving an area?

It could be that you are really bothered by your physical environment at home. The solution to your annoyance could be simplifying and organizing. However, if you live in a tiny apartment and want to up-size, then that requires more money. Would it be best to focus on the Money category or the Career category?

Your analysis is going to be highly individualized, but let’s follow through with this example. Let’s say that my family and I are very crowded in our current house, and we want to move into a bigger place. Bigger places are more expensive, and we can’t afford it right now.

Would it be best for me to focus on money or career? If I focus on money, then I could learn how to invest or get a second job. Maybe we could all reduce spending so that we could put more towards a bigger place. That’s one option.

Perhaps a better option is to focus on my career. What could I do to get a promotion? Is a career change in order? If I learn how to write computer code, would I earn more money and get to work from home some of the time?

Now, it’s time to check those options against my vision of my Ideal Self. What would my Ideal Self do? How would she handle the situation? What actions will help me move toward my ultimate life goals at retirement or end-of-work?

Now, I want to look at the options in terms of values and priorities. Which options are in alignment with my stated goals and priorities? If family was my top priority, then it might not make sense to get a second job and spend less time with them.

I also want to look at how I can best use my superpowers. Where do I have an advantage because of a superpower? How can use what I am naturally good at to my advantage. I learn things quickly and am very logical in my thinking. I’m also good at staying on track and finishing things. Learning to code computer software is looking like a good option.

Now, I want to look at my beliefs about the world and myself. Which ones will support me and which ones will hinder me? What new ones can I create to help me? We can change our habitual thinking by replacing one thought with another. We can also create new beliefs. One way is to put sticky notes with the new belief in prominent places. Another way is to practice my game of “Cancel That Order.” I wrote about it for Day 9 of my 53 Leadership Challenges, and I’ve put a pdf that you can download here: http://www.tapferconsulting.com/free-stuff/

Use the same steps to analyze your Wheel of Life and create goals. Maybe you feel lonely and want to focus on the category of Fun and Friends – or maybe Significant Other/Romance! Perhaps you feel a spiritual emptiness and want grow your faith. Your path could be through the Personal Growth category or finding a spiritual community in Fun and Friends. Find the gap between your Now Self and Ideal Self and then dig down to the root.

Here is a step-by-step guide:

  1. Look at your Wheel of Life. Dig down to the root cause of the gap. For example, I am not happy with my Physical Environment, but I need to focus on Career to change it.
  2. Ask yourself which options and actions are most aligned with your values and priorities.
  3. Which options allow you to leverage your superpowers? We don’t call them superpowers for nothing! Your superpowers are things that you naturally do well. They are things you do better than most other people. Use them to your advantage!
  4. Determine what beliefs will support you and which ones are holding you back. If you hear yourself saying something like, “Oh, I will never be able to do that,” then you’ve got a limiting belief lurking somewhere. Pick a belief that will help you and post it everywhere. It could be a simple as “God has a plan for me” or “Everything will turn out for the highest good of all.” In my example, I would use “I am a fabulous coder!”

Analyzing yourself and your life is a difficult thing. Creating goals is another challenge. The behavior change required to reach your goals is one of the hardest things to do. Get help! Hire a coach, create a group with supportive friends, or enlist your family’s help.

You are solving the unique puzzle of you. There aren’t any right or wrong answers. Give something a try! If it doesn’t work out, then try something else! Unfortunately, none of us come with an owner’s manual that tells us exactly what to do. In truth, that’s a good thing. Life is about discovery, change, and growth. Some of the best moments come from the revelation of ourselves to ourselves.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Who Do I Want To Be?

21 Tuesday Mar 2017

Posted by in Leadership, Uncategorized, Uncovering Your Authentic Self

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March Series: Uncovering Your Authentic Self

Who do I want to be?

Let’s review. We looked at our values, priorities, experiences, and beliefs to get a view of our life’s foundation. We also determined what we like to do and what our superpowers are. We are beginning to get a good grasp of who we are right now. We’ve been trying to uncover information in the Blind and Unknown quadrants of the Johari Window to reveal our authentic selves to ourselves.

“Who am I?” is one question. “Who do I want to be?” is another question entirely! We’ve figured out who we are, now let’s decide who we want to be.

Let’s start by looking at values. Are you happy with your list? Are those the values of your ideal self? Do they support you in being the person that you want to be? If the answer is yes, then great! If not, what values do you want to embody in your life? Write down the most important values to your ideal self.

Next, look at your list of priorities. Do your top three priorities truly reflect what you want to spend your time on right now? Priorities can be a tricky thing. When my children were small, “family” was a top priority. I spent most of my time on the kids and the house. The challenge for me was that I loved doing things with the kids, but I didn’t like some of the jobs that went along with it. I liked a functioning house, but I didn’t like to clean or straighten. The family wanted to eat, and I don’t like to cook. Everyone needed clean clothes to wear, and I loathed laundry.

I wouldn’t say that I loved everything I did, but I was clear about the decision to make “family” a top priority; so, I did the parts I liked and the parts that I didn’t like. Liking actions or being excited about doing them isn’t always a good guide to whether or not they have value to me.

Remember, priorities change and life is a series of phases. We want to define the priorities for our ideal self for this phase, and make sure that we are working towards our ideal self in 20 years.

Now, let’s look at the beliefs that we discovered. Would your ideal self hold those beliefs? Remember, we are talking about beliefs that we’ve created based on our experiences. Does your ideal self feel that he or she will never be good enough? Of course not! Let’s dump that belief and any others that aren’t supporting us in becoming our ideal self.

Letting go of beliefs that we have held for decades can be difficult. It’s hard to identify them, and letting them go can be even harder. A coach or therapist can help. We will talk about some techniques next week when we make plans, but know that letting go of long-held beliefs is hard to do on your own.

Let’s look back at the personality assessments for a moment. Most of the assessments that I’ve taken listed possible weaknesses and things to watch out for. I recognized most of the worst tendencies and made note of them. Look at your assessments, and do the same. Next week, we will talk about doing something about it. For now, we are just collecting information about who we want to be and who we don’t want to be.  My goal was to be a heroic, magnanimous, inspiring leader! I did not want to be overbearing, negative, or controlling, which are qualities I have a tendency to display.

Now, look at the Wheel of Life that you completed. Complete the third page of the packet that includes goals and commitments for each of the eight categories. These are goals and commitments that will help you to be your ideal self. Next week, we will talk about ways to achieve those goals and commitments. For now, we are just creating as clear of a picture as possible of our ideal self.

Now, let’s figure out what your ideal self is doing. Look back at the personality assessments again. Each one will recommend professions based on type. Those suggestions can help us decide what our ideal self does for a living.

I found that the recommended jobs for me were consistent. The list included CEO, lawyer, public relations executive, etc. Now that was a problem! I was in my 40’s and had been a stay-at-home mom for more than a decade. I was a military spouse who moved every few years. It’s hard to jump in at CEO-level or even reach executive-level anything when you start late and move a lot.

However, all was not lost. On almost every list was “entrepreneur.” I decided that I could do that one. Leadership was my game, and I enjoyed facilitating in front of groups; so, I was going to become a leadership trainer and coach. Eureka! I found work for my ideal self!

You will now be able to create these lists:

  1. Things I enjoy doing
  2. Things I do not like to do
  3. My superpowers
  4. Characteristics I want to minimize
  5. Values my ideal self holds dear
  6. My ideal self’s priorities right now
  7. Beliefs that support my ideal self
  8. Beliefs that I hold now for which my ideal self has no use
  9. One category on the Wheel of Life that I want to improve to help me become my ideal self
  10. Possible careers/jobs that my ideal self would love

Next week we are going to compare our Now Self to our Ideal Self and create a plan. I love making plans! When the plan helps me become a better me, I love it even more.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Who Am I?

14 Tuesday Mar 2017

Posted by in Leadership, Uncategorized, Uncovering Your Authentic Self

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March Series: Uncovering Your Authentic Self

Who Am I?

Last week we talked about the foundation of who we are: values, priorities, experiences, and beliefs. (https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/define-your-frame-of-reference/) This week, let’s dig a little deeper.

Back when I was trying to figure out who I was and what I liked, I wasn’t getting much information from me. I just seemed to be a big empty vessel with no answers. So, I decided to look outwards.

I did the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) as part of my facilitation training. According to the MBTI, I am an INTJ. This means that I get my energy from being alone; I am a big-picture thinker; fairness and consistency are important to me; and I like to make lists and check things off the lists. There are a bunch of books about MBTI personality types with descriptions, and I read through a lot of them.

For the most part, I agreed with the descriptions about me and the books’ assessments of what I probably liked to do. I would photocopy pages and mark off the things that I didn’t agree with in the assessment. It was easier for me to say yes or no to things rather than make them up myself.

After the MBTI, I went on to the Enneagram. There are nine types, and if you really get into it, you’ll uncover extra wings. I am an 8. Here is brief description from the Enneagram Institute:

“Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their best: self- mastering, they use their strength to improve others’ lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.”

Cool. I can get behind most of that. I especially like the goal of becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.

Then, I tried the DISC. I’m a D – Dominant. Hmmm. There seems to be a theme here. However, before I started correlating the information, I did one more – my astrological sign.

I’m an Aries (the Ram). Here’s a description:

“You love to be the one who thinks up the bright ideas and has other people carry them out. Not only the most competitive of the Zodiac, you are also the first sign and love to be first at whatever you do. You thrive when you’re on top of your game. Happy with a challenge and ambitious, you have the courage it takes to be a leader in your field. Tempering your fiery attitude with patience is the test of the can-do Aries. Knowing when to move on and when to follow through requires careful thought and planning for ultimate success. No doubt, you can be a winner all the way!”

By now, I’m beginning to understand why my mother described me as “bossy” in elementary school. She meant that I had leadership potential!

Leading is one of my superpowers. We all have superpowers! Think of things that you can do faster and more easily than other people. Those are your superpowers. It took me years to figure out that writing and publishing newsletters is one of my superpowers. I created newsletters for various groups through the years, but it wasn’t until I saw the time and effort that it took other people to do the same task that I realized that I’m good and fast at newsletters.

I have friends whose superpower is to nurture others through cooking and food. That is not one of my superpowers. Others can pull colors together in their home and wardrobe, which is also not one of my superpowers. Some people have a knack for details and numbers. I love those people! They fill a skill gap for me.

If you have trouble naming your superpowers, then think about the things that others ask you to do. Better yet, ask people who know you what they think your superpowers are. Through feedback, I learned that I’m good at taking complex ideas and making them easy to understand. I don’t think I would’ve figured out that one on my own.

There is an assessment on my website that you can begin this week. It’s the Wheel of Life. The first two pages help you to get a snapshot of who you are now and how satisfied you are with various categories of life. The third page is about goals regarding where you want to go and who you want to be. That’s the topic for next week!

Have fun finding out who you are! There are a lot of free personality assessments online. Don’t take any assessment results too seriously. Remember, you are the expert on you and you get to decide what applies and what does not. You can print the things that you like and put them in a folder or binder. I have a binder labeled “Kathy.” I look back through it now and then when I’m feeling a little lost or not in the flow of things. Having it all in one place makes it easier to find yourself in the future.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Define Your Frame of Reference

07 Tuesday Mar 2017

Posted by in Leadership, Uncategorized, Uncovering Your Authentic Self

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March Series: Uncovering Your Authentic Self

Define Your Frame of Reference

 Any police officer will tell you that two people who saw the same event will describe it in vastly different ways. That’s because the information that we take in and the information that we send out must go through our Frame of Reference. It’s important to know the things that affect how we look at the world.

Our Frame of Reference is made up of four parts: values, priorities, experiences, and beliefs. To know ourselves, we must be familiar with our Frame of Reference. Is yours shiny, sleek silver or red with sparkly pink glitter? Perhaps it’s a coarse wood frame or a simple black one. I picture everyone peering out at the world through their Frames of Reference.

Let’s begin with values. Picture your own memorial service in your head. You’ve led a full and meaningful life with which you are satisfied. What three things are you sure that people will say about you? Would they say that you were compassionate, determined, honest, or logical? What one thing would you be crushed to find that no one mentioned? I work very hard to be kind, and I would be devastated if no one mentioned that I was kind. Spend some time thinking about how you want to be known and remembered.

The list that you come up with is your values. For the most part, our values stay the same throughout our lives. In my leadership workshops, people often list integrity, faith, fairness, and compassion as values that they want to embody.

We judge ourselves and the world around us using our values as a ruler. When we look out through our Frame of Reference and it includes “fairness” as a value, we are always looking to be sure that things are fair. We tend to notice things that conflict or align with our values. If something isn’t fair, it irritates us. If “fairness” is not one of my values, then I won’t tend to notice or act on instances of inequality.

Priorities are the second part of our Frame of Reference. Priorities are a snapshot of what is important to us right now. In workshops, I call out a list of priorities, and the group writes each one on a small sticky note. They place the sticky notes in order of importance as I say each one. The list is below. Put them in order of importance from most important to least important to you right now. Feel free to add any categories that apply to you.

  • Career
  • Altruism
  • Family
  • Money
  • Health
  • Significant Other
  • Leisure Time
  • Faith
  • Friends
  • Personal Development

Putting a priority at the bottom of the list doesn’t mean that it’s not important to you at all; it’s just not something you focus on right now. Remember, this is a snapshot. When my children were young, “family” was at the top of my list. Now my children are grown, and I’m making up for lost time on my career. “Family” is at the bottom of my list, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love them or think they are important. I’m just not spending a ton of time or energy on them right now.

Our top priorities influence what we see through our Frame of Reference. If career and money are my current focus, then I am searching the world for opportunities to make money and further my career. I’m not reading Family Fun Magazine the way that I did a couple of decades ago. If friends and community are priorities, then I am looking for opportunities to connect with others. We notice what is important to us. A person looking for a significant other would see a completely different world.

The third part of our Frame of Reference is experience. What we experience in our lives has a profound effect on how we view the world and experience life in the future. For example, I tell the story of wanting to be the Fire Marshall in elementary school during my workshops. The Fire Marshall made sure that the windows were closed, left the room last, and turned the lights out. I wanted to be Fire Marshall!

At first, the principal told me that I couldn’t be the Fire Marshall because my long hair was a fire hazard; if the room was on fire and I was the last one to leave, then my shoulder-length hair was more likely to catch fire than a boy’s shorter hair. Fire Marshalls were always boys. Back then, all boys had short hair cut over their ears and cropped close up the back.

I told the principal that I would cut my hair like a boy so that I could be the Fire Marshall. At that point, he mumbled something like, “Don’t be a problem, Kathy. You can’t be the Fire Marshall.” Then, he told me to leave his office.

That experience coupled with several others about what I wasn’t allowed to do because I was female made me very sensitive to chauvinism and any sort of discrimination. When I look at the world through my Frame of Reference, assumptions based on gender appear to be surrounded by fire with a big neon arrow pointing at them. I don’t miss one, and I’m indignant and angry about all of them.

I’ve learned not to react and overreact over the years, but the noticing and the feeling is still there. I see a different world than a person who isn’t fussed about stereotypes and equality.

Over time, our experiences create our beliefs about ourselves and life in general. Beliefs are the final part of our Frame of Reference. Many of them are the foundations of our lives – personal rules that we don’t realize exist. For example, I see many people who are hesitant to draw, sculpt, or write. Somewhere along the way, someone criticized one of their creations and they created the belief that “I can’t draw. When I do draw, it’s embarrassing.”

It could have been a jealous, third-grade classmate who made the comment, but we internalized the message and created the belief anyway. Beliefs are often created when we are children, and they deserve to be questioned from an adult perspective.

Relationship break-ups are common, and a lot people that I talk with hold the “I am unlovable” belief. When we are young, we mess up and don’t do things perfectly, which results in the “I can’t do anything right” belief. A series of disappointments at the hands of others can create the victim belief that “Bad things always happen to me.”

Beliefs can be positive as well. I took drama lessons for eight years starting in first grade. I had a lot of positive experiences being up in front of people. My belief is that “I do a good job in front of a group.” I also believe that “I am not less capable or intelligent because I am female.” That belief is interesting because it’s the opposite of what I often heard when growing up. If I’d just taken my experiences to heart, then I’d be convinced that being female made you less capable and intelligent.

I think that my saving grace was my father who told me that I could do anything that I set my mind to. I believed him over the experiences that I had out in the world. Perhaps, I just have an ornery, disbelieving way of looking at the world.

As adults, we get to examine our beliefs and decide if they are serving us well or not. Beliefs can be so limiting! I am frustrated by the small lives that some people lead because of the beliefs that guide their actions. They believe that they can’t draw or speak in front of a group. They believe that happiness and success are out of their reach.

Uncovering and examining your beliefs can be difficult on your own. Enlisting a life coach can help you to see them clearly. A coach also can help you make decisions about whether or not you want to keep them or create new ones.

It’s important to be aware of everything that makes up your Frame of Reference. Usually, an initial discovery session with a coach will include an examination of your values, priorities, beliefs, and the significant experiences that have influenced you. If you don’t have a coach, then ask a good friend to help you examine your Frame of Reference.

Our Frames of Reference create the world that we live in. If we believe good comes to us and we have values and priorities that foster positivity, then we might have a sparkly bright Frame of Reference that helps us to see the good in the world. Intentionally examining and creating our Frame of Reference can make all the difference in the life that we experience.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.