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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

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Wooing Resisters

16 Tuesday Jul 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Leadership, Leading Change, Uncategorized

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#DreamBehindtheComplaint, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #LeadingChange, #WooingResisters, relationships

wooing resisters 600 px

When talking about leading change in workshops, we spend some time talking about how to woo the resisters. There are always people who will be opposed to doing things in a different way.

As early into the change as possible, we want to ask for the input of resisters. Often, they have some valid concerns and can point out potential obstacles and challenges that an organization will face during a change. Sometimes, we can incorporate their observations into the change process. Sometimes, the change is set in stone, and all we can do is listen to their objections. It’s important to let the resister know what can and cannot be done.

When talking to resisters, we often hear a lot of complaints. They are very ready to share what is wrong. We want to find out what an ideal situation would look like to them by helping them to find the dream behind the complaint.

When we complain, we are telling others how reality is not meeting our personal expectations. We have a picture in our heads of how we want things to be that we don’t articulate and often can’t see clearly. As leaders, we want to help resisters clearly define the best situation for them.

We can start by asking them, “What needs are not being met?” We can also ask, “For what are you longing?” We want to get to the Essence-level feeling that the resisters are experiencing. Remember, every situation has a fact and a feeling part.

Then we want to get them to describe the ideal outcome for the current change. We can ask things like:

  • What would the ideal scenario look like?
  • What could be better?
  • Can you think of a metaphor that applies to this situation?
  • What is it like here in this ideal situation?

It’s important that we keep focusing on the dream, not the complaint. We are helping the resisters create a solution instead of dwelling on the problem. Once the resisters have clearly defined the situation that they want, it’s important to do a reality check. How much of the dream can be achieved in the current reality? Organizations have requirements, and team morale is always a consideration. We want to ask the resisters what they believe is reasonable and then share our answer to the same question. Finally, we want to ask the resisters, “What are you willing to contribute or commit to in order to make this happen?”

If a resister is in full resistance mode and unable to see anything positive about the situation, we can help. We can ask the resister to rate the current reality on a scale of 1-10. Let’s say that they rate the current situation at a 3. We would then ask, “What keeps it from being a 1?” We are asking them to tell us a few of the positive things that are going on right now.

Then we ask them to define one small change that would nudge their feeling about the situation up one number. Resisters don’t say “1” very often when asked to rate a situation, but if they do, ask them for one small change that would bring it up to a 2.

When facing a change, we all have a high dream and a low dream for the outcome. We hope for the best and fear the worst at the same time. Asking everyone to define their high and low dreams can help the group get through a change more easily. Once each person has defined his or her high and low dream, they go on to tell the group what would support the low dream and what would support the high dream. At the end of the discussion, the group has a simple list of do’s and don’ts that will help them help each other through the change.

When facing a change, the most important thing that a leader can do is listen. By meeting everyone’s personal needs to be listened to, understood, and respected, we are helping them to accept the change by ensuring they feel that their feelings, dreams, and expectations are not being ignored. We all want to be seen and feel that we have some bit of influence over the situations we find ourselves in.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Indecision

30 Tuesday Oct 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#ilovefacts, #indecision, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, relationships

indecision 600 px

I don’t usually have trouble making decisions. I learn what I can, evaluate, and decide. I am particularly good at deciding on the outline for workshops. I can see what an organization needs and then come up with the proper structure to provide the needed information and engagement.

However, last week I found myself dithering. Dithering! I am not a ditherer. I disdain dithering. Yet, there I was. Unable to decide whether to put two workshops in a month every other month or one workshop a month for six months or one workshop one month and then a virtual meeting the next. Ack! My mind was running around in circles.

Then I remembered one of the most valuable lessons of my life. When I’m dithering, I don’t have enough information. We can’t make good decisions unless we have all the information that we need. I was guessing at what would be best for the organization that I was working with.

The solution was to set up a meeting and ask what would be best for them. So easy! Finding out how quickly they wanted the training done, how much they wanted to spend, and the logistical challenges of people not all in one place made it easy to create a curriculum and structure.

Sometimes we don’t know everything. Sometimes we can’t know everything. It is possible to get stuck in analysis paralysis. Even after my discussion with the organization, we weren’t 100% sure that all the options would work. However, we pledged to be flexible and communicate any problems or challenges as they arose. Sometimes you just move forward with the intention of adjusting as necessary.

Sometimes, we don’t have any way of knowing what we need to know for a good decision right now. If possible, we want to postpone the decision, especially if it’s a big one like buying a house. I just lived that example.

In January 2018, I left my home and had no idea where to plant roots. I put things that I didn’t need for daily life in a storage room and loaded everything else in a 6’ x 12’ U-Haul trailer.

I was definitely dithering and feeling very lost. Should I move to be with one of my sons? One lives in New Jersey, and the other is in Texas. My sister also lives in Texas, so I have two relatives there, but precious grandchildren in New Jersey.

I started in North Carolina, where I have facilitated a leadership series for 11 years. I lived with a dear friend and did work that I love. It was a great beginning.

When word got out that I was staying in the area between workshops instead of returning to Alabama, an amazing thing happened. Former graduates started reaching out to me. I’ve graduated about 24 people a year. I realized that I had a community that was ready to welcome me with open arms. Add a few very close friendships that I had maintained since leaving the area six years earlier, and I had place that felt familiar and comfortable.

After a small stint of living on my uncle’s ranch after the leadership series was over, I decided that NC was the place that I wanted to call home. In July, I bought a condo. I am not with any blood relatives but am stationed so that I can head either direction to see mine. The people here may not be blood relatives, but they are family here. I also have work! I feel known and respected here for my professional abilities. Anywhere else, I would be starting from scratch professionally.

In January, I had no idea where I would live or what I would do. I am blessed to have so many kind and generous family members and friends who took me in while I was figuring out the next phase of life.

By relieving myself the need to make an immediate decision about where to live, I gave myself time to gather the information that would help me make a decision with which I would feel comfortable. I am very confident that I’ve invested in the right place to call home.

Facts! I love facts! They are the antidote to dithering and the foundation for great decisions.


For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

Psychological Safety: Final Answer (3)

15 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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#beinclusive, #Google, #humor, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #ProjectAristotle, #psychologicalsafety, relationships

female supervisor 650 px

I have been discussing my leadership list in depth, and we are up to number three. My list is a response to Google’s research on the qualities of exceptional teams, as described in Project Aristotle. Here is the list with the bullet points that I’ve discussed so far.

Kathy’s Leadership List

  1. Be present, and show that you care.
  • Focus on keeping your mind present during conversations and meetings.
  • Use good nonverbal communication to assure people that you are listening.
  • Show interest in people’s activities outside of work.
  • Maintain appropriate boundaries for personal discussions.
  1. Enforce and model respect for self and others.
  • Watch vigilantly for situations that make a person or group feel a lack of respect.
  • Talk to employees and peers about disrespectful behavior in an appropriate setting.
  • Behave scrupulously, in a way that always shows respect for others.
  • Establish Designed Alliances whenever possible so that respectful behavior is explicitly defined, expected, and required.
  1. Include others in decision-making as much as possible.
  2. Ensure individual and team goals are clear and in alignment with organizational goals.
  3. Be consistent, dependable, and positive in your actions, attitude, and mindset.
  4. Make curiosity your default.

So, let’s discuss number three.

Include others in decision-making as much as possible. People like to have control over things. I have never met a person in my trainings or coaching who wants no control over how he or she spends his or her time.

When we make unilateral decisions and tell people what they have to do, it usually results in some resentment. Maybe it makes us feel like children who don’t have a say in what happens. We definitely don’t feel that our opinions or needs are valued when our input is not considered.

Including others in the decision-making process is also a great way to create positive relationships. I believe that I’ve mentioned before that creating and maintaining positive relationships is one of the hallmarks of great leadership. There are other benefits, as well.

First, we make better decisions when we have more information. When I work with groups that are having trouble making a decision together, each person has an idea of the problem and the solution. We put everyone’s ideas, feelings, and perspectives out on the table for everyone to consider. We always come up with a better solution than any one that a person brought with them because we are working with all of the information and brainpower of the group.

Second, people have more buy-in. We don’t really get behind decisions if we didn’t have any influence at all during the deciding phase. The best way to get people motivated about a decision is to let them be a part of the process of making it. In Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, Daniel Pink points out that autonomy is one way to motivate others. We want to make others feel as in control of their time and day as possible.

If you cannot take anyone’s ideas or feelings into account, make it clear that it’s a done deal. If you just don’t want to, think again. We don’t show strength when we make decisions to look decisive. We show strength when we have enough confidence and grace to ask the opinions of others.

It’s especially important to ask for the opinions and feelings of people whom we believe will disagree with us. One, they may have some really good points that we haven’t considered. Two, we develop positive relationships when we meet someone’s personal needs, which are to be listened to, understood and respected. You will notice that the list does not include “agreed with.” Most people are happy if they feel that you have fully understood their thoughts and feelings and considered them with an open mind, even if you ultimately disagree.

Once we make a decision, it’s important to share the rationale behind it. If we didn’t take someone’s suggestion, it’s best to let them know as soon as possible and to tell them why. If there isn’t a good reason not to take someone’s suggestion, I would suggest doing it. When we are open to the influence of others, we strengthen our relationships with them.

When working with leaders, the biggest obstacle that I see to a more collaborative decision-making process is a lack of time. It is much faster to make a decision and move on. However, the resulting lack of motivation and sometimes vehement objections from people expected to implement a plan on which they had no influence will take a lot of a leader’s time. A simple conversation and a few questions can go a long way toward saving time in the long run.

Here are the bullet points to remember:

  • People like control. Great leaders give others control as much as possible. Autonomy is motivating.
  • Meeting people’s personal needs to be listened to, understood, and respected creates positive relationships.
  • We make better decisions with more information. People who don’t agree with us can have valuable information to share.
  • After making a decision, a leader should share the reasons behind the decision and their feelings about it.
  • Inclusive decision-making saves more time in the long run.

Everything on my leadership list fosters psychological safety. When we listen and value the feelings and opinions of others, we are creating the safe space needed for psychological safety.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Power of a Designed Alliance

24 Tuesday Apr 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#DesignedAlliance, #Google, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #ProjectAristotle, #psychologicalsafety, relationships

Designed Alliance 600 px

In a recent leadership workshop, I asked small groups to come up with suggestions for how to create psychological safety. Every group came up with one common answer that has inspired me to modify my list for leaders on how to create psychological safety. They all said that a leader should work with the group to establish guidelines or ground rules. It’s something I do at the beginning of each leadership series and an activity I have teams perform when I work with organizations.

People work together in groups better when they establish a clear set of behavior guidelines. In systems coaching, we call the guidelines a Designed Alliance. It’s an agreement between all group members about how they want to interact and solve problems. A Designed Alliance can help a group consciously create the culture that they want. In our case, we want to establish group norms that encourage behavior that would encourage psychological safety.

Ground rules created by the leader of the group that are then handed down as mandates are not that effective. The group has not explicitly agreed to abide by the rules. Also, it is then the leader’s responsibility to enforce the rules. The group has little buy-in around rules that they didn’t have a part in creating.

It’s more effective for the group to design an alliance together. The group establishes clear guidelines for acceptable behavior and agrees to follow them. The group members also agree to enforce the rules of the Designed Alliance. It’s especially important for the group to determine how it wants to deal with conflict.

Next time that I work with a team, I am going to explain Project Aristotle and the importance of psychological safety. Then, I’m going to ask them to come up with behaviors and guidelines that would help to create psychological safety for the group. Those actions will be our Designed Alliance.

If you want some suggestions for behaviors that create psychological safety, look back at the blogs that I’ve written on this topic. We’ve discussed and dissected psychological safety for 16 weeks. We’ve talked about things like trust, vulnerability, and Positive and Negative Sentiment Override. In general, any behavior that builds trust and makes us feel safe will encourage psychological safety.

A Designed Alliance is a powerful tool in creating group norms and behaviors that will support psychological safety. Thanks to my fabulous workshop participants for reminding me!


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 (Two-Minute) Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Open with a CAR

20 Tuesday Mar 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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#CAR, #feedbacktool, #Google, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #ProjectAristotle, #psychologicalsafety, relationships

I’ve talked with several people over the past few weeks about how to begin the difficult conversations that are the hallmark of psychological safety. Even if the group has norms in place that encourage people to challenge one another and to offer diverse ideas, it can feel intimidating to bring up a subject that is going to create some conflict.

A great way to start is with a CAR; it’s a feedback tool that includes Circumstances, Action, and Result. This format works well because it encourages us to talk about facts. Our discussions stay grounded in objective, observable behaviors.

CAR with outline

We begin by discussing the circumstances surrounding the action we want to talk about. We clearly outline when it happened and what was going on. For example, we might start with, “Yesterday when we were trying to get the order shipped for XYZ.” That tells the person or group what situation you are talking about.

Then we move on to the action or procedure that we want to discuss. We might say, “Fred followed our required procedures to get the order out the door.” It’s important to stick to observable facts and use no colorful adjectives or adverbs like “archaic” or “stupid” when describing the procedure or action – or a person, for that matter!

Then we explain the results of the actions. As much as possible, we want to make these business results – how the actions impacted the organization and group goals. If we continue with our example above, the results might have been that we did not get the shipment out on time because the required procedures include a lot of paperwork and time. We damaged the relationship with the customer, and our reputation for reliability was weakened. All of those results will make it more difficult to keep and gain customers.

After describing the circumstances, action, and result, we can offer an alternate action that would have been more useful. In our example, we might offer ways to streamline the process so that it takes less time. We could also ask for other people’s ideas about how to get orders shipped more efficiently.

It’s important to talk about the positive outcome that would happen with the new actions so that everyone stays focused on a positive business result. In our example, if we improve the shipment paperwork process, we can meet deadlines more easily, get more done faster, and maintain our reputation for reliability.

The beauty of the CAR format is that it helps to keep the conversation grounded in observable facts and desired business results. It keeps a group from blaming each other and going over past events. The focus is on achieving outcomes that help everyone.

Before we begin a discussion using the CAR format, it’s important to set our intention to create a positive, helpful environment for the conversation. Our purpose is to create success for the group and the organization, not to prove anyone wrong. We must maintain a helpful, positive attitude. We do not want to carry an adversarial attitude into the discussion.

The CAR format can be used to give any kind of feedback. In leadership workshops, we practice using it to give positive and developmental feedback to employees. We can use the CAR format to let someone know the specific action that he or she took that helped the team and organization. Remember, we want to create positive relationships and comment on the good things that we see as often as possible.

The CAR format is great for giving positive feedback because it tells the person exactly what they did that was useful and the good effect that it had for the business. Whenever we see someone doing something that we’d like to see them do again, we should give them some positive feedback on it. Appreciation is one of the biggest motivators for people.

Printing the CAR .pdf and using the individual CAR formats to keep track of feedback that we’ve given is an excellent practice. You can download a copy under the “Free Stuff” tab on my website. It’s a good way to collect information that we will need when we give performance reviews. It can be difficult to remember the actions of all of our employees over time.

It’s also a good idea to use the CAR format to keep track of our own actions. Our supervisors might not notice everything that we do. If we take a minute to jot down things we do, both good and not so good, we have specific examples to offer during our performance reviews. We can say, “I think I’ve done this well, and here are some examples.” Be sure to date the CARs. When asked what we need to work on, we will have already identified areas that we want to improve. If by chance our supervisors say that they think we need to improve in a certain area in which we have actually had some success, then we have ready examples of specific circumstances and our actions in those circumstances.

Maintaining a fact-based conversation with a positive attitude supports an environment of psychological safety. The CAR format can keep us on track and give us courage to start difficult conversations.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: You first!

27 Tuesday Feb 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#LeadershipRules, #ProjectAristotle, #psychologicalsafety, #YouFirst, relationships

psych safety you first 550 px

I’ve noticed a trend as I’ve been talking with people about psychological safety, trust, and Negative Sentiment Override (NSO). Overwhelmingly, the first thing people ask me is “How can I get someone to realize that they are negative?” Hmmm. They don’t realize it, but that’s a loaded question.

First, it’s important to remember that each of us can only change one person, and that is ourselves. We cannot force other people to change their behavior. I mean, let’s think about it. How would any of us react if someone walked up and said that we were negative and needed to change? If you immediately thought, “Oh, I wouldn’t mind. I might be negative sometimes,” you probably aren’t negative. If you immediately thought, “Well, I’m not the one that needs to change here,” chances are pretty good that you are in NSO. At the very least, you are not seeing the other person as someone with needs, dreams, rights, and ideas that are equally important as your own.

We must start with ourselves. The question we need to ask is, “How can I invite the behavior that I want to see in others?” We can’t force another person to behave better, but we can influence others’ behavior by our own.

For example, let’s say that I have a significant other who comes home late all the time, and it really annoys me. I mean, I manage to get home on time! I’ve talked with my significant other about it and told him that it really bugs me when he doesn’t get home when he says he is going to be there. He says that he understands my irritation and will try to do better.

The next day he gets home 10 minutes later than he planned. I am angry, AND I have choices. I could yell and berate him for being 10 minutes late. What behavior am I inviting from him with that action? Am I creating motivation for him to come home on time – or at all? OR I could greet him at the door with a smile and say that I appreciate his effort and that he was only 10 minutes late. What behavior am I inviting from him then?

So before you go all outraged on gender stereotypes here and ask why I, or you, should have to pander to a significant other who is late, let’s look at this from a leadership perspective. As a leader, I want certain behaviors from my employees that will guarantee their success and mine. It’s important that they finish projects on time and work with a professional attitude. If someone is late turning in a project, I have choices.

I could yell, or at the very least make him or her feel really bad about the lateness. What are the effects of that? Am I creating more positivity in our relationship or less? Am I motivating the person to do better? Maybe, in the sense that they don’t ever want to go through the experience of being shamed again, but that’s a negative motivation that usually results in the person looking for another job. Remember that for the most part, people quit their bosses, not their jobs.

So, as the leader, I need to pause and consider the outcome that I want from our conversation. The first thing that an exceptional leader always wants to do is enhance or maintain the relationship. I don’t want to damage the relationship if I can help it.

Does that mean that I just let everyone slide and break the rules? Not at all! However, it does mean that I don’t get to yell, berate, or shame anyone. It means I see everyone as a person with needs, dreams, and obligations equal to my own. This concept is explained with a story in the book Leadership and Self-Deception.

First, I want to get curious and ask what’s going on. (Honestly, if the project is more than a day late, I should have been checking on it already and asking what was going on.) I want to know what caused the lateness, but not from a blaming perspective. I need to know what happened, so I can work with the employee to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I want to ask how I can help in the future and what the employee can do to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

The outcome I want is for the employee not to be late with a project again AND to maintain a positive relationship. If lateness is a chronic problem, we have a coaching issue that we need to focus on, but when someone is trying, it’s a leader’s job to provide support and remove obstacles, not humiliate.

So, the first question to ask ourselves is, “Am I acting in a way that invites others to produce the outcome that I desire?” If you still call that pandering, you are missing the point of great leadership. It’s our job to bring out the best in others, and we don’t do that with anger, shaming, and humiliation. We do it with curiosity, compassion, and respectful enforcement of necessary rules.

The bottom line is that we see people as people and treat them as we would like to be treated if we made a mistake.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Positive and Negative Sentiment Override

20 Tuesday Feb 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#Google, #NegativeSentimentOverride, #PositiveSentimentOverride, #ProjectAristotle, #psychologicalsafety, #trust, relationships

psych safety PSO NSO 550 px

The next concept that I want to talk about has a lot to do with trust – and it’s complicated. Ideas and possibilities have been running around in my head all week, and I’ve had several interesting discussions. I find that when my brain is a jumble, it’s best to start with awareness – what do I know for sure? This blog is a definition of Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) and Negative Sentiment Override (NSO).

I first read about the concepts in What Makes Love Last? by John Gottman and Nan Silver. NSO is a real problem in relationships. Gottman and Silver state, “people tend to construe neutral and even positive events as negative.” We cannot achieve psychological safety and trust when we are experiencing NSO.

Research shows that people who suffer from NSO do not recognize 50% of their partners’ positive gestures. That’s huge! If I am in a state of NSO towards you, I completely miss 50% of the nice things that you do!

Robert Weiss defined NSO and PSO in 1980. How have I missed these concepts for so long? Here is a definition of the two states from Gottman’s The Science of Trust:

NSO: The negative sentiments we have about the relationship and our partner override anything positive our partner might do. We are hypervigilant for putdowns. We tend not to notice positive events. We also tend to see neutral, or sometimes even positive, things as negative. WE ARE OVERLY SENSITIVE.

PSO: The positive sentiments we have about the relationship and our partner override negative things our partner might do. We see negativity as evidence that our partner is stressed. We may notice negative events, but we don’t take them very seriously. We tend to distort toward positive and see even negative as neutral. WE ARE NOT OVERLY SENSITIVE AND DO NOT TAKE NEGATIVITY PERSONALLY.

The capitalization is mine.

I want to add a couple of more ideas for us to stir into the mix and consider. Psychologist Fritz Heider discovered that we have a tendency to minimize our own errors and to attribute them to current circumstances. We also emphasize the errors of others and attribute them to negative traits and character flaws. The book Leadership and Self-Deception describes this phenomenon well and is worth a read.

Finally, here is short description of the Overconfidence Effect. It says that the more certain you are of something, the more likely it is that you are wrong. The Overconfidence Effect happens most often when we don’t see all the various perspectives of a situation. It comes from a lack of empathy and an inability to see the big picture.

I included descriptions of Heider’s fundamental attribution errors and the Overconfidence Effect because of several discussions that I’ve had about PSO and NSO. In my workshops and in one-to-one conversations, people often tell me that they know they are right about a person or a situation. They are absolutely convinced about the inherent wrongness and negativity of another person.

For now, let’s step back and take a more neutral view of people we feel animosity towards. The best example I found comes from What Makes Love Last?:

Nathaniel’s wife says, “Oh look. The lightbulb blew out again.” If he’s in the throes of NSO, Nathaniel’s inner dialogue will sound something like: Who died and made me the Official Lightbulb Changer? She can fix it herself! By contrast, if hurt and suspicion are not tainting his thoughts, Nathaniel is likely to assume that his wife’s words meant that, well, the lightbulb blew out.

I love that story! Wouldn’t it be great if we could take everyone’s statements at face value and not add our own emotional agendas to them?

I am going to make an effort to take everyone’s statements to mean, well, exactly whatever they said – and not attach my own emotional charge. That perspective sounds wonderful because it saves me emotional pennies and makes my heart lighter.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Zero-Sum Game Mindset and Trust

13 Tuesday Feb 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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Tags

#Google, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #ProjectAristotle, #psychologicalsafety, #zerosumgame, relationships

psych safety zero-sum game 550 px

In the analysis of psychological safety, we’ve discussed the importance of creating a foundation of trust, but it was a superficial discussion based on personal experience. I wanted to find some research on trust, and the first person I turn to when I want research-based recommendations is Dr. John Gottman. Gottman is known for his work on marriage and relationship analysis through direct scientific observations.

He offers up a lot of good information on trust, but the first concept that I want to discuss is zero-sum game theory. In game theory, an underlying assumption is that we are all rational and want to maximize our own gains. In a zero-sum game, everyone wants to get the biggest payoff for themselves and also wants their opponents to get as little as possible. In a zero-sum contest, I’m happy if you get nothing!

I have worked with leaders who have a zero-sum game mindset. They want power, money, and promotions. They also don’t want anyone else to get these things. These leaders are nightmares to work with. Sometimes they experience success, but it’s at the expense of their organizations and everyone who works with them.

It’s key to understand that someone who lives in a zero-sum game mindset tries to win while getting you to lose AND believes that you are doing the same thing. This was a bit of a revelation to me. I know people who only look out for themselves, and I accept that about them. I didn’t realize that they believe that I am doing the same. Knowing they expect me to try to take advantage when I can explains a lot of behavior that was a mystery to me before. Of course, this is an accurate description of a negative relationship devoid of trust.

To me, this is an emotionally exhausting scenario. If I am working with someone who is trying to take me down, I am constantly watching my back and documenting every conversation. Neither one of us is focusing on work or organizational goals. We are wasting a lot of time and emotional energy.

In his research, Gottman found that in relationships without trust, partners did not feel joy in each other’s happiness and did not get particularly fussed when the other was upset. As a matter of fact, their emotions were only in sync when they were both in a negative or angry state.

I see professional relationships like this all the time! I am often called in to work with organizations when this scenario of distrust is present because the zero-sum game mindset keeps people from being productive. The team, group, or organization flounders because no one is focusing on organizational goals; they are all focusing on themselves.

Ok, zero-sum gaming is not good and is rife with distrust. Neither person is taking the other’s well-being into consideration. Let’s take a look at what Gottman says a trusting relationship looks like. Here is his definition of trust in What Makes Love Last?:

“Trust is not some vague quality that grows between two people. It is the specific state that exists when you are both willing to change your own behavior to benefit your partner. The more trust that exists in a relationship, the more you look out for each other. You have your beloved’s back, and vice versa. In a trusting relationship you feel pleasure when your partner succeeds and troubled when he or she is upset. You just can’t be happy if achieving your payoffs would hurt your significant other.”

He goes on to say that each partner doesn’t have to put the other’s needs first all the time – that is probably not healthy. However, their happiness is interconnected. Each will change his or her behavior to increase the gains and happiness of the other.

If we look at this from a leadership perspective, we cannot get a person’s best performance when we act from a zero-sum game mindset. To be a successful leader, we must do what we can to improve other people’s happiness and well-being. An exceptional leader helps to create success for the people he or she works with, as well as for the organization. I often use the truism “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” So when an employee or peer is upset, we need to feel some empathy.

In Gottman’s research, he had people watch the video of an argument that they had with their partners. They had a dial in front of them that they used to register the feeling that they had in each moment of the discussion. They turned the dial all the way to the left when they had been experiencing a negative emotion and all the way to the right when they had been feeling a positive emotion.

Gottman categorized the feelings into three boxes: Nasty, Neutral, and Nice. The Nasty box included negative behaviors like anger, criticism, belligerence, bullying, defensiveness, sadness, disappointment, fear, tension, whining, disgust, stonewalling, and contempt. The Nice box included positive emotions and behaviors like interest, amusement, humor, laughter, excitement, joy, validation, and empathy. Any sort of blah reaction in the middle, he put in the Neutral box.

I think the dial and emotion boxes are useful tools for leaders. When an employee is upset, our dial should move to the Negative box to show concern and sadness. We definitely don’t want to move our dial to the Nice box and be gleeful about the employee’s plight. We can check in mentally on where our dial is pointing during conversations to ensure we are acting appropriately.

We can only create positive, trusting relationships if we link our happiness and well-being to the happiness and well-being of others. Our friends, peers, family, and employees must believe that we have their best interests at heart.

Gottman teases out a difference between trust and trustworthiness. He says that trustworthiness indicates a partner’s willingness to sacrifice for the relationship. It means sometimes putting our own needs on the back burner because the partnership matters most.

As leaders, we can’t put the individual needs of everyone in the organization above organizational requirements. Our main goal is the organization’s success. However, that does not mean that we can’t take them into consideration, feel empathy, and make what accommodations that we can.

Gottman goes on to say that it is important to let the other person know that the relationship is unique and irreplaceable. In other words, we want to let the other person know that we value the relationship and that he or she is valuable. How great would the world be if we did that one thing in every relationship that we have?

Research on motivation shows that people respond to appreciation and want to know that what they do makes a difference. When we are trustworthy, we act in a way that increases trust, motivation, commitment, and productivity. We also increase the confidence and well-being of others.

We know from Project Aristotle that the presence of psychological safety helps teams excel. We know that trust and trustworthiness increase a person’s feeling of safety and confidence. We can create success for everyone by avoiding the zero-sum game mindset and truly creating win-win scenarios for everyone, including the organization.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: We Are All Naturally Creative, Resourceful, and Whole

30 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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Tags

#creativeresourcefulandwhole, #Google, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #ProjectAristotle, #psychologicalsafety, Feelings, relationships

loving kindness cropped 600 px

In the examination of psychological safety, we’ve talked about a need to be trusting and trustworthy. We’ve also discussed the importance of having the courage to let people express their opinions and feelings – standing bravely in the lion’s roar. I’ve discovered another big reason why we have trouble creating psychological safety, and it’s inspired by the best of intentions.

We want to protect other people from disappointment, annoyance, and anger. We want to make their lives smoother and easier. It is definitely a feeling of protection – and it’s not helpful, even though that is our intention.

As I look at my own parenting and the parenting of others, I see a lot of protection going on. We don’t want our children to experience crushing feelings of disappointment or failure. However, we aren’t helping our children or any adult by keeping them from facing and managing unpleasant feelings.

In fact, we are viewing them as too weak to handle a difficult situation. We are telling them that we don’t trust their abilities to overcome a challenge and manage their emotions. It’s a terrible message to send.

We are also robbing them of the opportunity to grow emotionally. Each time we overcome a difficult situation, we get stronger and better at it. When the next challenge comes along, we think, “I totally got through something similar before, so I know that I can do it again.” Facing and overcoming challenges builds resilience and confidence. We don’t want to steal those opportunities from people.

One phrase helps me when faced with the urge to protect someone from difficult feelings. In coaching, we consider people to be naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. We trust that every person can face and manage the experiences in their lives. It is true! We are all naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. It’s important that we trust in the ability of others to weather the storms of life and that we have enough courage to stand beside them in those storms.

I’ve volunteered with the Military Child Education Coalition (MCEC), where a team of facilitators would spend a couple of days educating community leaders on the unique challenges that military kids face. The one concept that struck me was how they explained what a military child, or anyone else, needs in order to overcome huge challenges and disappointments.

MCEC says that the adage “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is not always true. A person can experience overwhelming psychological damage if two things are not present during the struggle. Those two things are hope and support. MCEC doesn’t advocate keeping a child from experiencing grief or change; we can’t anyway. They say we must offer hope and support.

That’s what we can offer others when we see that they are facing a situation that creates strong negative feelings. We shouldn’t try and keep them from experiencing disappointment or anger. We want to offer support and hope for a better future.

Seeing someone as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole is a tremendous gift. We show confidence in their abilities to handle life. When we allow people to feel difficult emotions and overcome difficult situations, we are giving them the opportunity to grow stronger and build confidence. What we can do is stand beside them and offer support and hope. Helping someone build resilience is helping them create success in life.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Standing in the Lion’s Roar

23 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#LionsRoar, #psychologicalsafety, #trust, relationships

psych safety lion's roar 550 px

After I read everything I could find on Project Aristotle and psychological safety, I brought the subject up with my therapist. I explained the research and the concept, then went on to say that the whole thing depended on trust. In my mind, people are trustworthy if they are reliable, consistent, and kind. I don’t completely trust someone unless I feel that they have my best interests at heart – that they care about me.

Then I played devil’s advocate a bit but was also voicing my own concerns. I asked, “How can a person ever completely trust another human being?” I mean, we are human, and we make mistakes. We don’t follow through, and we let people down. Sometimes we care about ourselves more than others. Every now and then we get upset and yell. Is it even possible to create psychological safety in relationships?

The therapist then answered with a question that I often ask during leadership workshops. I hate it when my stuff comes back at me. He asked, “Kathy, who can you control?”

“Only me,” I replied with a sigh, but then continued, “I know that, but how can I have psychological safety with other people whom I cannot control who will positively, without a doubt, disappoint me at some time?” Before we go on, I want to point out that I know that I am a flawed human being who disappoints others on occasion.

Then he asked me why a disappointment or word not kept or words said in anger had to destroy trust. Hmmm. Interesting question. It felt like the answer had two parts.

First, I could alter my expectations and standards a bit. Instead of demanding perfection and admirable superhuman behavior 100% of the time, I could accept the fact that people (including me) goof up.

Second, I could use some strength of character to endure disappointments, rude tones, and even yelling with more grace. If I know that people are going to lose their tempers and forget to do things, then I can accept those actions in stride.

When someone is upset and venting in a coaching session, we call it standing in the lion’s roar. As coaches, we stand firm, but without judgment or reactive emotion. We don’t take it personally. Can I do that in my personal life when I am not coaching?

Let’s briefly go back to secrets, which are one of the signs that psychological safety does not exist. Why do I want to hide the fact that I am throwing away supplements or not tell anyone when I get turned around while driving somewhere? I don’t want to face questions, anger, or teasing. Why don’t I? I mean it’s not pleasant, but it’s not life-threatening. I can help create psychological safety with a little grit and courage.

In my supplement scenario, my husband would be justified in some annoyance at my buying and not using supplements. Is there any reason not to allow him to express that annoyance? Why shouldn’t I let him tell me his reaction?

It might not be the reaction that I am predicting anyway! He might see the bottles in the trash and say, “That’s too bad that those didn’t work for you the way that you hoped.” In relationships that matter, both at home and at work, we need to allow others to express their feelings. We need to be brave enough to listen.

The first step in creating psychological safety is building some courage and resilience. Teams at work depend on people expressing differing points of view in order to find the best solutions to challenges. The same is true of every relationship.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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