• About

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: November 2016

Thriving Through the Holidays: Be Here Now

29 Tuesday Nov 2016

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Mindfulness, Thriving Through the Holidays

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

#BeHereNow, #gratitude, #KathySays, #leadership, #perspective, #ThrivingThroughTheHolidays

be-here-now

Thriving Through the Holidays

Yay! We made it through Thanksgiving! We don’t have to just survive the holidays. There are skills and perspectives that can help us sail through the holidays with ease and enjoyment. Survival is not our goal. Thriving by creating and maintaining positive relationships and perspectives is what we want to strive for during the holiday season. It is so much more fun and motivating that just slogging through! Let’s make the holidays joyous!

 Skill 1: Be here now.

We spend a lot of time being frantic during the holidays. We worry about getting the decorations up, buying presents, preparing food, traveling, and interacting with our families. When we worry or stress, we are thinking about the future or the past. We remember past holidays that didn’t go according to plan. We stress about the bills to come. We dread conversations with Uncle Seibert who doesn’t share our values or world view.

The best antidote for stress and worry is to concentrate on being in the moment. When we are fully present in the now, we aren’t worrying about the past or the future. We are noticing our surroundings and embracing our feelings. We are paying close attention to the people who are with us. When we live fully in the moment, there isn’t a space for worrying about other things.

We are capable of only doing one thing at a time. Multitasking has gotten a lot of hype, and interviewers still ask job candidates if they can multitask. However, studies show that the answer to that question is no. None of us can pay attention to more than one thing at a time. We can become adept at switching between things, but there is always a loss in concentration and time when we continually switch between tasks or thoughts.

Think about it for a minute. Let’s say I sit down to write notes on Christmas cards, but then start running my to-do list through my head. In reality, I’m sitting at the table doing nothing. I’m not getting the Christmas cards done, and I’m not checking things off of my to-do list. I am doing nothing!

In order to be in the moment, we need to be confident that what we are doing is what we need and want to be doing. That takes some organization and prioritization. We need to make a list, check it twice, and then decide what three things we want to accomplish each day. Once we identify what’s important, all we have to do is buckle down and focus on getting those tasks done one at a time.

It’s good to have a to-do list for home and work. Our goal is to know that what we are doing is what we need to be doing while focusing on that task completely.

We have daily chores, too. We drive kids around, shop for groceries, and we take showers. These are prime times to worry and stress. Focusing on what’s going on in the present keeps us calm and gives our tired brains a break. Remember, showering while stressing over getting everything done isn’t helping you get everything done. Take a moment to feel the water on your skin, smell the soap, and relax your muscles in the warm water.

Focusing on the now is being mindful. Studies show that no matter what we are doing, we are happier if we are doing it mindfully – really paying attention to what is going on now. Going about our holiday activities in a mindful way will help reduce stress and increase the joy that you feel!

 


 

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 9: Finding the Flourish Space

27 Sunday Nov 2016

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Lessons From The Lawn

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#goals, #KathySays #leadership #LessonsFromTheLawn #distractions #goals #achievement, #LeadershipRules, #perspective, LessonsFromTheLawn

front-yard-pic

Lessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous and didn’t result in anything with splendid color. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot sitting in the grass for a summer.

Lesson 9: Finding the Flourish Space

In my front lawn, there are different environmental conditions for plants. Parts of the lawn get full sun most of the day, while other parts are very shady. Some sections get part sun and part shade. The big trees suck up the moisture and challenge all the plants under them.

Different grasses grow best in certain types of environments. I have one type of grass that flourishes in full sun, but doesn’t do well in shade. Another type of grass does well in shade, but burns to a crisp in full sun. Under the trees, I planted an ornamental grass that can grow in shade and hold its own in the fight with the tree for moisture.

If I tried to use one type of grass for every part of the lawn, I would have large bare spots. No one grass flourishes in all areas and conditions. I have to pay attention to what flourishes where. When I plant grass in an area that has both sun and shade, I mix the seeds of two types of grass. Then, I wait to see which one will end up doing best in that area.

People are like grass in that we don’t flourish under all conditions. We can function and even create success under most conditions, but to truly flourish, we need to find our unique nourishing environment. When we identify our best conditions, things are easier. There is a sense of flow and ease.

We can’t define our flourishing space until we do some self-examination. Here are some questions to help you determine your best environment:

 Do you prefer working with people or working alone?

Do you like getting lots of attention or do you prefer to work outside the limelight?

Does a frantic pace rev your engines or do you prefer a slower pace?

Do you like lots of interaction with others?

Does working as part of a team appeal to you?

Do you like working in a noisy place or a quiet one?

Do you enjoy being creative?

Is collaborating important to you or would you rather do it your own way?

Do you like recognition?

Do you enjoy public speaking?

Is the purpose of your work important?

Is making money a top priority?

Do you like challenges?

Is possible promotion important?

Do you want to be surrounded by people who are similar to you or do you enjoy people with diverse views?

There aren’t right or wrong answers to these questions. Just like grass, people grow and perform best in environments suited to them. We can struggle along and do a good job most anywhere, but to truly enjoy work and reach our full potential, we need our flourishing space.

Another way to define our best environment is to think back to times when we felt like we were in our groove and things were easy. What was the environment like in those times? We can learn a lot by examining our past.

People often say that they don’t know what they like. That’s common. How can you know if you like something if you haven’t experienced it? The solution is to get out there and try! Once you take a job or create a certain environment, pay attention to what you like and don’t like about it. Make a list! You might decide that you want to work from home at least two days a week. Maybe you like doing data analysis, but you hate answering phones. Perhaps you like being in charge and want to start your own business! It’s like planting two types of grass and seeing which one does best.

As you move through your life and career, look for environments that give you more of what you like and less of what you don’t like. Each job, whether volunteer or for pay, should be closer to your ideal than the last one. You get to craft your flourishing space over time. It only requires you to pay attention and choose intentionally.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 8: Getting to the Root

22 Tuesday Nov 2016

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Lessons From The Lawn, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#achievement, #KathySays #leadership #LessonsFromTheLawn #distractions #goals #achievement, #leadership, LessonsFromTheLawn

front-yard-pic

Lessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous and didn’t result in anything with splendid color. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot sitting in the grass for a summer.

 Lesson 8: Getting to the Root

Sometimes I went out to weed in the yard as a break from other work. I wouldn’t have my sharp-pointed weeding tool or bucket. I would just roam the yard looking for random weeds.

Some weeds come out in one piece no matter what the ground conditions, but most weeds break off if you don’t use a weeding tool when the ground is dry. I watered patches I planned to weed the night before. However, on those impromptu weeding sessions, I often broke off the leafy top of the weed and left the root intact.

When you remove the top of the weed, the lawn looks good for a while, but the weed grows back. The root gets bigger, stronger, and more difficult to get out. You end up having to break the top off over and over again. I was solving the problem for the moment, but creating more work for Future Kathy.

One of my main goals in life is to set up Future Kathy for success. She is always very grateful when I do. I take time in the evening to plan the next day so Future Kathy can just sit down and get started in the morning. I try not to over-eat so Future Kathy won’t groan in agony and get fat. Breaking off the top of the weeds was making things look good, but it definitely wasn’t helping Future Kathy.

Like most things in life, you must get to the root of the problem to really fix it. Unfortunately, that takes time. To truly get rid of a weed, I had to sit down, use a sharp weeding tool, and dig down to the bottom of the root. It’s the only way to make sure that it didn’t return and that Future Kathy didn’t have to deal with it again. To get rid of other problems in life, you also have to take time to find the root cause and get rid of it.

Chronic challenges like being late, losing things, and always feeling frantic can be eliminated mostly if we dig down to the root of the problem. If you are chronically late, what creates that situation? If you can’t find your keys most mornings, put a hook on the wall and make a habit of hanging the keys there. Yes, it’s a bit of a hassle and requires some concentration. However, once it’s a habit, you will never have to look for your keys again.

Perhaps you are late because you just don’t give yourself enough time. Setting the alarm 15 minutes earlier until you can get out the door on time might be an easy solution. A “landing pad” by the door can save a lot of time. A landing pad is a place where you put everything that you need to take with you. It can have keys, papers, backpacks, etc. Instead of frantically gathering things at the last minute, we plan ahead and make a pile.

It’s impossible to know what the solution to a challenge is until you dig down, find it’s root, and get rid of the root problem. Just like weeding, it generally takes some time to deal with the root, but do it once and you will never have to deal with that particular challenge, or weed, ever again.

 


 

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 7: Don’t Let the Ivy Job Distract You

15 Tuesday Nov 2016

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Lessons From The Lawn, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#KathySays #leadership #LessonsFromTheLawn #distractions #goals #achievement

front-yard-pic

Lessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous and didn’t result in anything with splendid color. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot sitting in the grass for a summer.

 Lesson 7: Don’t Let the Ivy Job Distract You

Toward the end of the summer, my enthusiasm for weeding began to wane. I was trying to finish the job before I went out of town for a couple of weeks. I had saved one scraggly patch of hard ground that was full of weeds for the end. I was probably hoping that I wouldn’t have enough time to get to it – but I did.

That last challenging strip was near a fence. On the other side of the fence was ivy that was growing through the fence. Pulling the ivy off the fence was a job that needed to be done. I considered pausing in my weeding and diverting my energy to ivy removal.

It was tempting. I’d been weeding for a couple of months and the last piece of lawn was tedious work. Pulling ivy off the fence was relatively quick and gratifying. However, if I took on the ivy job, I would not have time to finish the weeding.

When we are working on a project in life, there is often ivy there to distract us. A task or project that is worthwhile, but not something we intentionally planned to do, is an Ivy Job. An Ivy Job is a temptation because it’s different and maybe easier than the main work that is on our list of things to do. The Ivy Job could be checking social media or calling to check on a friend. Or, it could be putting the new shower curtain rings on the shower curtain – which is exactly the Ivy Job that I just let myself get sucked into when I took a bathroom break. It’s important to realize that the Ivy Job is a distraction! Don’t get distracted! We want to finish the main job that we started.

If we have planned in alignment with our priorities and an Ivy Job is not on our list, then it isn’t something we should be doing at that moment. Knowing what’s a main job and what’s an Ivy Job takes some consideration and a clear picture of your short- and long-term goals. The key is to decide each evening what three things you are going to accomplish the next day that will move you toward your goals. Those three things are the main jobs of the day, and they should be finished before any of the day-to-day Ivy Jobs. If you know what’s important, it’s easier to stick with it and not get sidetracked.

Even if we know the task is important, it takes self-discipline to stay at a job beyond our motivation. Sometimes our energy and enthusiasm wane. Luckily for us, self-discipline is something that we can strengthen and master. It’s like a muscle; the more you use your self-discipline, the stronger it gets. We can do workouts for our self-discipline just like we work out at the gym.

One of my favorite self-discipline workouts is doing the laundry. Anyone leave the laundry sitting in the washer? Dryer? Any flat surface in the house? If you want to observe a married couple argue, ask them about their laundry procedure. It’s a trigger for almost everyone – and a necessity of life. We all have to get our laundry done so let’s do it right and use it for self-discipline practice.

The first step in any job is to make time for it and to commit to doing it. We start with the intention of finishing completely. It’s a mindset. I think of it as finishing strong. When I get tired in the middle of a task or project, I remind myself that my goal is to finish strong.

A mantra can help. It’s just a phrase that you repeat over and over to yourself that’s a reminder of what is important to you and why. When my motivation starts to flag, I say to myself, “Kathy, you are not a wimp or a quitter. Get going and finish strong. Make yourself proud.”  Leaders are finishers. Great leaders don’t leave unfinished jobs strewn about in their wake. Leaders get things done completely and pay attention to the details until the end. They finish strong.

For our self-discipline workout, we start by committing to do the laundry. Then, we choose a time when we can see it through to the end. Having a plan is important. I might start the whites or regulars and then go run an errand, but when the dryer stops, I am ready to fold and put away the laundry. Clothes that sit in the dryer get wrinkled and can create more work.

Once the dryer stops, go get the clothes, fold them, and put them away. Boy does that sound simple! It can be if we don’t use a lot of emotional energy fighting the process. Take a breath and don’t give the laundry an emotional charge. It’s just laundry. It needs to be done. Remind yourself of the satisfied feeling of finishing a job. Come up with a mantra and repeat it to yourself. Keep in mind that you are practicing self-discipline. It’s all about finishing something worthwhile that isn’t fun. Successful people can do that. You can do that.

After a while, getting the laundry folded and put away is a task that you can do with ease. You have the correct mindset; it’s a necessary task and a worthwhile use of your time. Your self-discipline muscle is stronger, which makes it easier to power through a job to the end even if it isn’t enjoyable. You don’t get distracted by the Ivy Jobs. You remind yourself with your mantra that finishing every job is something you do because you are a person who finishes what you start. You finish strong. It’s amazing how good that makes you feel.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 6: Inhabiting the Moment

08 Tuesday Nov 2016

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

front-yard-pic

Lessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous and didn’t result in anything with splendid color. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot sitting in the grass for a summer.

Lesson 6: Inhabiting the Moment

One of the things that I liked about sitting in the grass and weeding over the summer was that it felt like a vacation for my brain. Sometimes my mind wandered and I thought about the future, past, current challenges, and what the neighbors were up to. However, other times I focused only on what was going on in that moment. I paid attention to the feel of the dirt on my fingers, the color of the weeds, the feel of a breeze, and the sounds of a suburban neighborhood. Being completely in the moment frees one from worry and expectation. If you give all of your attention to now, you take a break from the stress of the rest of life.

Living completely in the moment is called mindfulness. During the summer of weeding, I went to Nashville for a class on Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) from the Osher Center for Integrative Medicine at Vanderbilt. I’d read about all the great benefits of MBSR and mindfulness in general.

Studies show that no matter what you are doing, you are happier if you do it mindfully. Mindfulness also can lead to improved performance, increased innovation, more charisma, and less judgment of self and others. The Marines learn mindfulness. Mindfulness is a great thing, but I found that I was confused about what it was.

I thought that mindfulness was a type of meditation. That’s not true. Although you can do a mindful meditation. We practiced them in my MBSR class. In a mindful meditation, you just pay attention to what is happening right now. You can do that in several different ways. One method is to scan your body to see how each body part feels right now. What are you feeling in your feet right now? Ha! You got mindful for a second when you checked in on your feet. In a body scan meditation, you start with your toes and work your way up to the top of your head, paying attention to what each body part is feeling.

You can do anything mindfully! Studies show that eating mindfully can help you lose weight. I ate a few mindful meals for homework. It’s odd to sit in a quiet room and pay attention only to the taste, smell, and texture of the food that you are eating. It might help with weight loss because it takes so much longer to eat that way! I have to say that I’m not a fan of mindful eating.

I like mindful walking. Paying attention to the feel of my feet on the ground, the swings of my arms, the sun on my shoulders, and breeze in my hair is very relaxing to me. It gives my brain a break from figuring stuff out all the time.

Another huge benefit of mindfulness is that it slows down knee-jerk reactions to things. If we pay attention to an event and observe it objectively, we can choose better reactions. Here is the normal model for a situation:

 Event > Appraisal > Urge to Act > Action

First, we think about an event that is happening or could happen. Then, we appraise that situation or event, and we decide if it’s good, bad, exhilarating, scary, or calming. Once we appraise the event and attach an emotion to it, we have an urge to act. If we are angry, we might want to yell. If we are sad, we might want to cry. The emotion and the urge to act are closely tied and happen very quickly. Sometimes, the action follows before we stop to think about it.

There are a couple of interesting points here. First, the event is just an event. It isn’t inherently good or bad. For example, let’s look at public speaking. It isn’t in and of itself scary or fun, but people attach those emotions to it. Isn’t it fascinating that one event can be appraised so differently? It’s important to remember that it’s just talking in front of people and the emotional charge is something we add to it.

We can get rid of a lot of stress if we can neutralize the emotional charge that we attach to things. For example, let’s say someone pulls out in front of me on the highway. It’s just an event – not good or bad. It happens. I get to appraise that event. I can get angry at the person’s carelessness, or I can accept that we all pull out in front of someone sometimes. It’s just a part of driving.

I get to decide whether or not to use emotional energy on the event by attaching a strong emotion to it. Stress isn’t caused by an event; stress is caused by our reaction to an event. Mindfulness helps us to neutralize our immediate appraisal of things. If we pay attention to the event in the moment, we are less likely to react strongly and quickly because we are more objective.

In the MBSR class, we learned the seven attitudes of mindfulness: nonjudging, non-striving, beginner’s mind, patience, trust, acceptance, and letting go. The more we incorporate these attitudes into our lives, the less stress we experience. Here is one of my favorite stories from the class:

There was a wise and peaceful woman who sat on the top of a mountain. Someone climbed up to ask her how she was able to maintain such a calm and peaceful state of mind. She leaned forward and whispered, “I don’t mind what happens.”

How great would our lives be if we could mind less about the inconsequential things that happen around us?

Mindfulness also can help us improve our self-control and Emotional Intelligence. We can control our reactions better if we observe ourselves and the situation before acting. We change the model for a situation when we choose our actions on purpose:

 Event > Appraisal > Urge to act > Observe and Choose > Action

Observing ourselves has an interesting effect. Our neocortex is our “adult brain.” It helps us make rational decisions, and it is directly responsible for our level of Emotional Intelligence. When we have a strong emotional reaction, our neocortex disengages and we run on our more primitive brains. Our reactions are emotional reactions, and they don’t always lead to the most useful or adult choices in the moment. When we pause and mindfully observe ourselves and the situation, we re-engage our neocortex and our self-control. We give ourselves the opportunity to choose our action on purpose.

It’s easy to practice being more mindful. Here is a list of mindful daily practices that I got in my MBSR class:

  • When you first wake up, take a moment to be fully calm and present. Check in on how your body is feeling. You set the tone for the day.
  • While you bathe, pay attention to the smell of the soap and feeling of the water on your body instead of thinking and planning.
  • Walk to and from your car in a mindful way. Slow down and pay attention to your feet, the surrounding noises, and the color of your car.
  • While driving, keep your mind on the feel of the steering wheel in your hands and the details of other cars. Holding a rushing attitude doesn’t help you get there any faster.
  • Arrive home and take a breath. Look for tense places in your body and focus on breathing into them. Don’t get stressed because you are tense! Just observe and accept the tension.

By practicing mindfulness, we can become more reliable and dependable leaders. We can choose wisely and control our emotions better. In an interview, Harvard Business Review asked Ellen Langer, a prominent researcher on mindfulness, this question: “What’s the one thing about Mindfulness you’d like every executive to remember?”

Here is her response:

“It’s going to sound corny, but I believe it fully: Life consists only of moments, nothing more than that. So if you make the moment matter, it all matters…So when you’re doing anything, be mindful, notice new things, make it meaningful to you, and you’ll prosper.”

 I can give a positive testimonial to the benefits of mindful weeding. It’s a fabulous way to stay centered – and get a great looking lawn.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 5: The Neighbors Are Spies

01 Tuesday Nov 2016

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

front-yard-pic

Lessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous and didn’t result in anything with splendid color. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot sitting in the grass for a summer.

 Lesson 5: The Neighbors Are Spies

When I was out in the yard over the summer, I had a great opportunity to observe the actions of my neighbors. I began to learn their morning routines. Most of them left around 7am.  I’m not good at recognizing cars, but I learned who was in each one. Some of them I know by name and some I named myself.

Right before the small NASCAR race out of the neighborhood at 7am, a red minivan would zip down the street and into the driveway at the end of the cul-de-sac. A young couple with one small child and one on the way lives in that house. I don’t like to mess with people’s privacy so we will call them Amelia and Jake.

Amelia is in our neighborhood book club so I know a bit about her and her husband. I know that the red minivan zipping into her driveway is driven by her mother who comes and watches their toddler while Amelia and Jake are at work. Sometimes either Jake or Amelia would leave before the red minivan arrived, but never both! Someone always makes sure that the handoff to Grandma was complete.

It’s interesting that you get a feel for the mood of the drivers as they pass by. Grandma in the red minivan was always a little frantic and in a hurry. Amelia and Jake are two of the calmest, most laid back people I know. Even if Amelia leaves later than normal, she never seems harried. She sits back in the seat, waves, and smiles as she goes by.

Another family with small children lives across the street and down one from us. I call them the Coopers because they drive MINI Coopers. Honestly, I would have to look up their real last name. They have two small children and they walk as a family every evening. They walk slowly because the children are not in strollers; they are walking. It caught me as such a novel idea when I first saw them creeping down the sidewalk with a toddler. I think it’s a great idea now!

The Coopers are squared away and regimented in their schedule. Mowing day, car washing day, family walk, and grocery shopping are all on a schedule. I see them as an efficient and purposeful family. They are very controlled and organized.

I began to observe and draw conclusions about the more of my neighbors. Rocket Scientist hates his job; Santa is lonely; Cute-Family Dad is all about achieving; Double Dog is looking for things to do in retirement; and Stink Eye is struggling with a health issue. Lead and Trail are two women who walk together, but never side by side. Trail follows Lead by up to six feet. Trail is an older woman trying to be sociable. Lead is a freight train who can’t be stopped or slowed by anything in life.

Keep in mind, these are names and deductions that I made up based on very brief observations. One day, it occurred to me that the chances of my conclusions being true were quite slim. In fact, they weren’t conclusions, they were assumptions. I was making the stories up in my head and then converting them into truth. It’s not an uncommon practice.

We make assumptions all the time. If someone walks into work and doesn’t say good morning, we assume that they are mad at us or purposefully being anti-social. In truth, the person might have had a fight that morning with a family member or a fender bender. Perhaps his or her father is ill. There are a million possible reasons for the lack of a morning greeting besides being angry at us or intentional rudeness.

We play a dangerous game when we convert assumptions into truth. We are basing our actions and reactions on stories that we have made up! Assumptions can ruin relationships by keeping us from seeing the real truth in a situation and acting appropriately.

The only way to know what’s going on is to ask. If someone doesn’t say good morning, don’t assume the worst! It’s a good idea to approach the person and say, “You seem a little out of sorts this morning. Is everything OK?” At the very least, keep saying good morning and don’t get upset. Chances are that the person’s lack of a morning greeting has nothing to do with us.

It can be fun to make up stories! Creating alternate scenarios for our observations can help us see situations from different perspectives. We just need to remember to clearly label them “stories” and not “truth.”

While weeding, I noticed that one car would drive up to the Coopers about once a week. It was an older man who would go to the door, talk for a brief time, and leave. He would return after a while and repeat the process. Sometimes, I could see him hand off a bag through a crack in the storm door. I was so curious, and I made up all kinds of stories to explain that situation.

I thought the man could be Grandpa and he was going to the door to ask what they needed from the store. Then he would make a run to the store and deliver whatever was requested. But, why wouldn’t Mom Cooper just call or text the list? Maybe Grandpa refuses to use the phone. Perhaps he has some phobia or hearing problem.

Or, they could be part of some drug ring, but that theory didn’t seem to fit. Then I thought, maybe they are spies! They don’t want to pass information by phone or text because that could be traced. The older man picks up information, delivers it, and then comes back with new instructions. Maybe there were passports with new identities in the bag! Ha! That is one of my best made-up stories ever!

Of course, all of those are probably false, and the only way to find out would be to ask. Although asking feels a little creepy and stalkerish in this instance. It will remain for now, a great mystery.

There is a benefit to making up different motivations for the things that we observe. The ability to see situations and actions in different lights is an essential leadership skill that helps with strategic planning. When figuring out long-term goals for an organization, we hypothesize about how consumers and competition will react to certain conditions. The more creative we can be, the more prepared we are.

So, go ahead and make up stories. Watch people and create motivations for their actions. It’s good practice for the development of analytical skills and creativity as long as you clearly recognize that you are dealing in fiction, not fact. What are your neighbors up to?

 


 

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

 

 

 

Follow Blog via Email

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 2,002 other subscribers
  • RSS - Posts

Categories

Follow me on Twitter

My Tweets

Archives

  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • February 2014
  • January 2014

Powered by WordPress.com.