Category Archives: Mindfulness

Leadership and Self-Care

07 Tuesday Jan 2020

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I once worked with a small group of business executives who were burning themselves out. They wanted me to give them tools to get more out of others, but they were too edgy and tense to effectively deal with other people. I wanted to talk about some self-care and creating a peaceful, positive foundation for their lives and leadership. They felt like that was a waste of time.

Self-care is absolutely not a waste of time. If we are overwrought and overwhelmed, we cannot make good decisions, see the big picture of what is going on, or create positive relationships with others. As leaders, it’s imperative that we influence the world from a strong base of calm confidence and health. It’s almost impossible to interact with the world in a positive and intentional way without good health and a positive frame of mind.

So how do we take care of ourselves? What does good self-care look like? It’s helpful to look at our lives by category: relationships, financial health, personal well-being, and our physical environment. Here are a few questions to get you started for each category.

Relationships

  • Do you have a support network that gives you emotional and physical support (e.g., listen, tell you hard truths, bring you chicken soup, ferry you to the doctor)?
  • Do you have any unresolved conflicts?
  • If you have a romantic relationship, is it satisfying?
  • Do you have any draining relationships?
  • Do you generally get along well with others?
  • Are you someone on whom others can depend?

Financial Health

  • Do you pay your bills on time?
  • Do you save regularly?
  • Are you debt-free or have a plan to achieve that?
  • Are your assets insured?
  • Do you have six months of living expenses in a savings account?
  • Are you able to live within your means?
  • Do you have a plan for your financial future?

 

Personal Well-Being 

  • Do you feel healthy and vibrant?
  • Do you regularly see a doctor, dentist, and optometrist/ophthalmologist?
  • Do you fuel your body with healthy food?
  • Do you exercise regularly?
  • Do you get enough sleep?
  • Do you have a regular religious or spiritual practice?
  • Is there any nagging physical ailment that needs to be addressed?
  • Are weekends and evenings times of rejuvenation?
  • Do you spend your free time intentionally or mindlessly?
  • Do you have activities that you enjoy?
  • Do you foster an attitude of gratitude?

Physical Environment

  • Do you feel peaceful when you walk into your home?
  • Is your car well-maintained?
  • Are your clothes clean and in good repair?
  • Is your bedroom conducive to sleep?
  • Is your home clean, organized, and well-maintained?
  • Are your personal papers organized?
  • Do you have beauty in your home?

Don’t worry if you aren’t squared away in every category! Few of us are. These are just questions to get you thinking about how you could eliminate some stress and create some joy in your life. We want to figure out what self-care items would give us the biggest bang for our buck. Start with one thing, master that one, and then move on to the next most useful action.

For example, if a cluttered house is a constant emotional drain, that may be the first thing to tackle. Years ago I took on clutter and organization. I used FlyLady’s method back then, but there are other cleaning gurus to follow now. We don’t have to reinvent the wheel or figure everything out on our own. There is always help out there.

If financial health is your challenge, someone like Dave Ramsey could be a big help. Having a plan and direction from an expert saves a lot of time and energy. A financial advisor who works with you individually is another option.

My emphasis right now is health. I’ve lost the health routines that make me feel better. I know that daily stretching and some sort of movement make me feel much more vibrant and energetic.

In addition, I am getting some outside support. I am setting up a regular schedule for Rolfing, chiropractic care, acupuncture, and massage. It’s also time to have my eyes checked! My own health has not been my priority over the past couple of years, and I am ready to change that.

Self-care helps us create peace in our lives. When we have a peaceful foundation, it’s easier to act intentionally. We don’t get triggered as easily, and daily challenges seem less overwhelming.

Go get a massage! Watch a movie with a friend! Go on a retreat! Meditate! Have a spa day! Here is a good one: Hire a life coach! 😉 Activities that we often feel are self-indulgent are really just good self-care that makes us better leaders in all aspects of our lives.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Phases of Life

25 Tuesday Jun 2019

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I was talking to my oldest son, who has two very young children. We were discussing books that tell us how to live our lives. He said that he was tired of books that advocated grabbing life by the horns and living your passion. It’s not surprising that those types of books would overwhelm a man covered over with diapers who exists in a state of constant sleep deprivation.

The book that did give him peace was called Abandonment to Divine Providence, written by Father Jean-Pierre de Caussade in the 18th century. It’s a Christian book that advocates accepting that all experiences are a part of God’s plan. My son said that the book encourages one to live in the moment and accept life’s challenges as growth experiences. He said, “I’ve accepted that I am not going to make any great intellectual pursuits right now.”

His observations made total sense to me. In my youth, I also had the urge to live life all at once. I felt that I had to achieve everything – family, career, financial success, personal growth – when I was in my 20s and 30s. It’s an exhausting way of life and very difficult to be excellent at everything.

Now, I have the advantage of hindsight. When I look back over the almost 60 years of my life, I can clearly see the phases I experienced. I was a child and then an adolescent. I experienced high school and then went on to college. Shortly after graduating, I got married. Six years after that, I had my oldest son, and then my youngest son almost two years after that. Then I was a mom of children, adolescents, young adults, and finally, mature men. Now I am also single and a grandmother. I’ve lived lots of phases and enjoyed each one.

My first lesson about living in the present phase of life was in high school. Many of my peers wanted to be older. Some of them smoked and drank and looked very cool. Being and looking cooler than everyone else seemed to be their goal. They didn’t want to be silly, and their heartiest laughs were at someone else’s expense.

Frankly, I didn’t understand their behavior. I could see that this was a wonderful time in our lives that would never come again. We were young and foolish because of our lack of experience. Trying not to look foolish must have been exhausting.

My high school peers who tried to be older missed much of what is great about high school because they weren’t all-in. I’ve talked before about the importance of being all-in, but I haven’t discussed the broad perspective that helps us live fully engaged.

When my children were small, I longed to get out the door and begin a career. I felt like I had to do it right that second. For many reasons, I became a stay-at-home mom. However, I remembered the lesson I learned during high school and decided that living one way and yearning for another would not be healthy for any of us. I decided intentionally to go all-in during the Mom of Young Children phase.

And we had a blast! We did library story times, mom-and-me swim classes, and music workshops. I changed a million diapers and slept very little. I read about Peter Rabbit, Mr. Gumpy, and dinosaurs. Every now and then I longed to get out and live some of life on my own, but I didn’t. I went all-in on being the mom of young children,

Now, before you think I am bashing working moms, I am not. I know from experience that completely leaving the job market for 15 years is not the greatest idea. It was way harder to re-enter than I thought it would be. One should always be ready to jump into self-sufficiency. Life throws curveballs at you, and sometimes the ball hits you.

What I am suggesting is that it’s okay not to go full-throttle on everything. In truth, we only have so much time in a day. We don’t have enough time to be stellar at many things. Something has to be a priority. Deciding what’s first makes all of life’s decisions easier. Dropping things that can wait a bit or giving them less emphasis can feel like a weight lifted off our shoulders.

In the book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, the author, Greg McKeown, advocates distilling the tasks in our lives down to the ones that bring meaning and joy. The inside jacket cover says:

“Essentialism is more than a time management strategy or a productivity technique. It is a systematic discipline for discerning what is absolutely essential, then eliminating everything that is not, so we can make the highest possible contribution toward the things that really matter.”

I want to add that it’s best if we determine what is essential for each phase of life. What’s essential when I’m 26 is not what’s essential when I’m 59. We need to apply the principles of essentialism in each new phase of life.

It’s easier if we realize that we have a lifetime to achieve our goals. We don’t have to get it all done right this second. When my grandchildren start school and become more self-sufficient, my son will have a bit of time for intellectual pursuits. When they start driving, he will have long stretches of time to read while he waits for them to come home safely. When they are grown, he will have more time on his hands than he knows what to do with.

Now, I am embracing the freedom that comes from living alone. I can get up when I want, eat what I want, and watch what I want. It’s fabulous! I spend money on plants and pots to my heart’s content. I listen to my 70s music with nary an eye roll or heavy sigh. I call my condo Xanadu because it’s a bit glitzier than what I had in my previous life, and I change the temperature to match my menopausal comfort at the moment. It is glorious.

Once again, I am not bashing marriage or having a partner. It’s all about appreciating what is in your life and deciding in this moment what is most important. There are glorious, fabulous things about being married, as well. We want to identify the life phase we are in, revel in its glory, and focus on the essentials.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s a marathon that takes us through some wonderfully diverse places. If we constantly get ready for the next phase, we are missing the beautiful view and the wondrous people around us right now. Pace yourself! Enjoy the fleeting things in your life. They will leave and be replaced by new fabulous things. Don’t miss any of it by skipping ahead to the end. Live each phase of life fully!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Perils of the Brain Dump

18 Tuesday Jun 2019

Posted by in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Mindfulness, Uncategorized

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When we visit homes with children, they often want to show us treasured belongings and tell us about things that are important to them. I’ve noticed that some adults behave in the same way. They have an urgent need to expel every thought in their brains through their mouths. I call it a Brain Dump.

The compulsion to say whatever we think is similar to the need we feel to finish things like puzzles. In leadership workshops, I use simple children’s puzzles in one exercise. I often halt the exercise when the puzzle is only partially done. I know from experience that I might as well let them finish the puzzle before they put it away. If I don’t, I hear complaints and there is a tangible feeling of being incomplete in the room. No one is ready to move on to our discussion until the puzzles are done.

I used to be like the children who share their thoughts and observations all the time. I thought it, then wanted to share it. After all, I’m a smart person with brilliant observations to share! Then I realized that no one was really interested in most of what I had to say outside of leadership workshops.

It hit me that my rambling and sharing was actually a colossal waste of time. I was saying things I already knew. The object of my Brain Dump wasn’t listening. Okay, maybe they were half-listening or pretending to listen, but they weren’t taking in the information for later use. Worse yet, I sometimes told stories that hinted at who I was, but they weren’t pertinent to my hapless listener.

I also realized that my Brain Dumps were harming the positivity of the relationship I had with my listener. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know that I’m a proponent of positive relationships. You will also know that you need a 5:1 ratio of positive interactions to negative ones in order to maintain a positive relationship. My listeners were not considering my Brain Dumps as a positive interaction.

About this same time, I came across a study, which I cannot find now. If you know of it, please drop me a line. Anyway, whether I’ve remembered it exactly or not, it had an enormous impact on my life.

They put CEOs in a room and had employees go in and talk with them. For the first round, the CEOs received no instructions and they talked quite a bit during the interactions. When interviewed afterward, the employees were not that impressed with the CEOs.

During the second round with a new group of employees, the CEOs were told not to talk. They were to keep silent as much as possible. In the interviews after the discussions, the employees reported that the CEOs were intelligent and good leaders. The CEOs made a better impression when they were quiet! Showing they were knowledgeable experts worked against them.

Unless in a leadership workshop where I was paid to talk, I worked to remain silent as much as possible. It was hard. It takes a lot of self-management to be quiet when you have a burning desire to show your smarts or solve someone’s problem or tell a funny story. It made me feel uncomfortable. It was like sitting and looking at an unsolved puzzle and not moving to put in the piece that I could see fit in one specific spot.

The ability to refrain from Brain Dumping is a sign of emotional intelligence. Quick refresher: emotional intelligence in its simplest form is self-awareness, self-management, relationship awareness, and relationship management. Self-management is one of the trickiest bits, and it relies on self-awareness.

In this particular case, I become aware of the negative effect that my Brain Dumping was having on other people (relationship awareness). I analyzed my need to share and realized that it was tied firmly to my own ego (self-awareness). Then I began to work to change my behavior (self-management), which improved my relationships with others (relationship management). Ta-da! A wonderful example of the power of emotional intelligence.

Exceptional leaders are emotionally intelligent. Like all other skills, we increase our proficiency with practice. I still indulge in bending someone’s ear now and again, but after much time I feel peaceful when I don’t.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Learning for the Ones You Love – and Work With

04 Tuesday Jun 2019

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Mindfulness, Positivity, Uncategorized

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When my boys were young, they loved Pokémon. They loved the cartoon, the toys, and the card game. The Pokémon card game is too hard for an elementary school child to figure out on his or her own, so I read the rules and taught them how to play.

We spent a lot of time together playing the Pokémon card game. I created my own kick-ass fire deck. We went to tournaments at libraries, where I played other parents while the boys played other children.

Once a month, we went to a mall to pick up comic books and buy Pokémon booster packs. We would all sit on a bench together and open our small pack of cards. We’d squeal over the holographic cards and compare our new cards to our old ones.

Now, if I did any of the activities now, on my own, at almost 60 years old, I’d be labeled a nutcase. No grown woman would collect Pokémon cards and hang out at tournaments gleefully trouncing the puffed-up dads who are pretty sure they are going to win. Okay, wait. That does sound kinda fun – but not the best use of my time nowadays.

It was a good investment of my time when my children were young because it was an investment in them and in our relationship. They loved Pokémon, so I learned about Pokémon so that we could have conversations that were interesting to them. I supported them in achieving their goal of learning to play the card game. I spent time with them doing something they enjoyed.

In order to create a positive relationship, we need to maintain a positivity ratio of at least 5:1. When parenting, we are doing a lot of correcting and disciplining. Finding five positive things to say for every one negative thing can be a challenge – if you are not interested in what they are interested in.

The same concept applies to other relationships. My friend, Bobbi, let me live with her for five months when I was in a life transition. She is 70-something years old, a ball of energy, and an artist. One of the things that she loves to do is create huge pictures on cardboard for her church’s vacation bible school. It’s a huge job, and she creates wonderful drawings of things like polar bears and pagodas.

Bobbi was worried about getting them all done on time, so I spent a day helping her paint. My job was basically to color between the lines. Now, painting isn’t my thing, but this task is important to Bobbi. She is a dear friend, so it’s important to me. We had a great day painting in her garage, chatting, and having a delicious lunch that she fixed. I learned about the best ways to stay in the lines with various brushes.

Positive relationships are also crucial for exceptional leadership. Just like in parenting, we are watching employees and correcting them when necessary, which means that we need to be looking for ways to have positive interactions.

One way to create more positive interactions is to learn about what is important to employees and peers at work. We don’t, however, need to help everyone at work with their pet projects. It’s as easy as listening and asking curious questions.

We don’t even have to do outside research! We can just ask. People love to talk about the things that they enjoy.

This part of asking curious questions is crucial: We must be genuinely curious. If we ask people questions and only half listen – or worse – pretend to listen and care, they will feel slighted. We can all tell when someone is faking interest. It feels very patronizing.

Exceptional leaders are learners. We must tap into our inner learner and look at each interaction as a chance to learn something we didn’t know before. If someone likes to fish on the weekends, he or she is a wealth of fishing information. There is so much to learn from a subject matter expert.

By asking people questions about what interests them, I’ve learned about knitting, drawing, orchid care, football, cooking techniques, technological gadgets, and tires – just to name a few topics. What people know is amazing!

The bottom line is that learning from people about what interests them is a great way to develop and enhance the positivity of our relationships with them. And it’s fun! Learning something new every day keeps our brains working and gives us a broader knowledge base. You never know when one of the tidbits that you’ve learned will come in handy!

If you ever need some large-scale coloring done or want to play a round of the Pokémon card game, I am the person to call!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Working at Renewal

30 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Mindfulness, Positivity

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I had a revelation while meditating one morning.  It wasn’t a World-Altering Revelation.  It was more of a Well-That-Will-Make-Life-Better Revelation.  Frankly, I have those pretty often because I’m a thinker, an analyzer, a how-can-we-make-this-easier kind of person who usually has her brain turned on and in high gear.

I don’t meditate as regularly as I’d like, but I’m working on it in light of research by Richard Boyatzis, coauthor of Primal Leadership.  He found that one of the antidotes for leadership burnout is mindfulness and that can be achieved with meditation.  (In case you are wondering, the other avenues of renewal are compassion, playfulness, and hope.)  The key in all categories of renewal is that you must do at least one from any category EVERY DAY!  You have to work at rejuvenation!

Well, that isn’t exactly true and the idea of “working” at meditation was altered by my morning revelation.  I’ve always looked at meditation as an exercise in self-discipline and mind control.  The goal is a sort of Vulcan-like ability to stay laser-focused during meditation.  The result is the ability to carry that focus and calm out into the world.  Don’t get me wrong, self-discipline is important; it’s one of the major pieces of Emotional Intelligence, but it wasn’t helping me on the renewal front as a way to meditate.  Convincing my brain to sit still and be quiet is exhausting, not rejuvenating!

I discovered my new way of viewing meditation by accident.  I was trying different mantras and imagined what words or sounds my leadership series participants would come up with if I had them do this exercise with me.  With each inflow and outflow of breath, I could hear them thinking, “Hate…… this” or “Help….. me.”  They have resisted my meditation exercises in the past.

Then I started thinking of things I could suggest to them instead.  I started with:  “Love…. Joy,” “Peace…. Harmony,” “Calm…. Life.”  Then I started getting silly: “Puppies…. Kittens,” “Sweet-smelling….. Babies,” “Brilliant… flowers.”  I was reminded of the pictures that I flashed up on the big screen during one of our sessions.  I showed them cute puppies, adorable babies, alluring kittens, and beautiful flowers to let them feel a Positive Emotional Attractor state (PEA) – a term used by Boyatzis to describe a state when we are more open to influence and more creative.  I’ve called it “Finding Your Happy Place” in the past, but now I think it’s more accurate to describe it as “Relaxing Into Your Happy Place.”

 

It occurred to me that getting into the PEA was the real fuel for renewal.  I felt lighter, happier, and more relaxed as I continued to visualize happy thoughts. I maintained the focus on the feelings I was having, and it felt like I was activating my heart.  I like that phrase – activating your heart.

The lovely side effect of activating the heart is that it deactivates the brain.  When I focus on feeling, it’s really hard to think.  What I realized is that for meditation to have a regenerative effect for me, it must be an exercise in feeling and activating the heart.  Once my heart is in the driver’s seat, my brain really can get some rest and that results in me being a calmer, nicer person.

Now that I think about it, this revelation could lead to a more positive world if we all managed to improve our outlook and increase our positivity through heart-activating meditation.  Maybe it was a World-Altering Revelation after all.

Developing Empathy and Care

27 Tuesday Nov 2018

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Not everyone on the planet is lovable. A few aren’t all that likeable. Keep in mind that this is “lovable” and “likeable” from our own perspective. Individuals that we don’t care for at all usually have a few people who love them to pieces.

In our personal lives, it’s a good idea to eschew people who do not share our fundamental values or are mean-spirited. We come to be like the five people that we hang around the most. Choose wisely. It’s okay to create distance between ourselves and people who are negative and make us feel bad.

However, at work we don’t get to choose with whom we interact. Negative, callous coworkers and bosses are always a challenge. They are also pervasive; it doesn’t do a lot of good to leave one organization because another set of negative people will be waiting at the next place.

More challenging still is the fact that great leaders care about everyone in the organization. The adage “People don’t care what you know until they know that you care” is true. One of the ways that leaders create personal influence is by truly caring about the health and welfare of their peers, employees, and bosses.

In workshops, I get a lot of pushback on this topic. “How could I possibly care about this person?” they cry. There is a way to create empathy for everyone, but it requires some work and determination. I remind them that no one said that it was easy to become an exceptional leader.

One of the best ways to shift our attitudes and feelings about even the most unlovable people is the Loving Kindness Meditation. Its results are well-researched. Loving Kindness Meditation increases our empathy for others, as well as our feelings of friendliness and compassion.

The meditation is easy. There are no right or wrong ways to do it, but there are guidelines. You can search online and find all types of Loving Kindness Meditations. Many of my participants like the Christian versions. What’s important is that we create statements to use in the meditation that have the most power and meaning for us.

Basically, during the Loving Kindness Meditation, we say three or four phrases to ourselves first. The most important thing is to create and hold onto feelings of friendliness, joy, compassion, and expansiveness as you say the phrases. Here is an example:

  • May I be filled with loving kindness.
  • May I be well in body and mind.
  • May I be at ease and happy.

Then, we say the same phrases while thinking of someone with whom we feel close. We start by thinking, “May [name of loved one] be filled with loving kindness.” It’s important to hold onto the positive feeling while thinking each phrase about our loved ones. Then, we move on to someone that we feel neutral about, someone we don’t really care for, and finally everyone in the world. Use the same three to four phrases each time.

Research shows that this specific type of meditation also increases positivity – which is another important foundation for the lives of leaders. A positive attitude motivates others and increases workplace morale.

In case you need some more motivation to take on this daily practice, here are some more benefits that result from an increase in positivity: increased resiliency, increased satisfaction with life, less inflammation in your body, increased broad-mindedness, increased immunity to viruses, better ability to connect with others, less depression, and better focus. Wow! That’s quite a list! Who doesn’t want all that?

This practice can be a game changer in our lives. We will see results with 10 minutes of meditation five or six times a week. The challenge is to incorporate Loving Kindness Meditation into our lives for eight weeks. By then, we should see results that will have positive effects in both our personal and professional lives. Remember, the key is to hold on to positive and expansive feelings while thinking the phrases. The words alone won’t create any change.

Empathy and caring are skills that we can develop. The ability to see a person as a person and not a nuisance or a bother is crucial for leaders. We can’t influence or motivate someone until we have created a positive relationship with him or her. Ultimately, a leader’s job is to help everyone to be successful – that’s a lot easier on both sides if we genuinely care about the people we are helping.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Spending Emotional Pennies Wisely

07 Tuesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Mindfulness, Resilience, Uncategorized

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Quite a few people have recently told me that tracking Emotional Pennies has been a life changer for them. Below is a blog that I wrote about Emotional Pennies back in 2015. The concept is so powerful that I want to make sure that as many people as possible have a chance to use it to transform their perspectives and lives.

For those of us familiar with the concept, it’s a good reminder to check in on our Emotional Penny use. It’s a good idea to check in every now and then to be sure that we are being intentional in the use of our Emotional Pennies.

We usually think about time as the limiting resource each day. We never seem to have enough time! However, we can use the time that we have more effectively if we learn to manage another valuable and limited resource – emotional energy. How many times do you fall into the overstuffed chair at the end of the day and spend precious moments watching whatever is on TV because you feel too tired to do anything else?

We only have so much of ourselves to give each day. Think of the emotional energy that you spend each day as Emotional Pennies. Imagine that you start each day with 100 Emotional Pennies. You can’t carry any over to the next day, and the goal is to end up with as many Emotional Pennies as possible at the end of each day. The more pennies you have at the end of the day, the more energy you will have to enjoy your evenings.

Some common things that we all spend emotional energy on are work, family, health, other people’s problems, spirituality, friends, and things over which we have no control. Your list may not have all of these items and probably has quite a few more. Which of these are wise investments, and which are wastes of our Emotional Pennies?

A totally silly way to spend Emotional Pennies is on things over which we have no control. My personal pet peeve is when someone gets angry and cross when his or her favorite professional team loses. Tying your sense of well-being and happiness to a group of people you do not know and over whom you have no control seems about as absurd a being angry over which direction the wind is coming from.

The first step in limiting our unnecessary expenditures of emotional energy is to pay attention to how we are spending our Emotional Pennies. In everyday life, we want to invest our emotional energy in things we enjoy, people we love, and situations that we can change for the better. A good test question to ask is: “If I face this situation and invest some emotional energy into it, can I resolve it so that I never have to put another Emotional Penny into it again?” If the answer is yes, go for it! Break off the relationship, improve the situation, and/or release that old resentment!

As a general rule, you want to avoid any situation that constantly drains your emotional energy with no hope of the situation improving or resolving. However, sometimes you have to invest a bit before you figure out that you are facing a lost cause.

For example, we tried to work with the school to make it a safe and healthy environment for our youngest son, Andrew, when he was in 7th grade. He had asthma at that time and was allergic to dogs. There was a helping animal in the school for one of the other students. I spent tons of Emotional Pennies at the school talking to the principal, guidance counselor, assistant principal, and teachers. I could not get them to keep the dog and Andrew apart.

It took me awhile, but I finally realized that I couldn’t change the situation. My options were to continue spending almost all of my 100 pennies at the school each day or to get us all out of that particular situation. In the end, I homeschooled Andrew for the rest of that school year, and none of us ever regretted leaving that penny-sucking, black hole behind.

Emotional Pennies are a great tool to help us put the moments of our day to best use. We can dramatically improve the quality of our lives by spending our Emotional Pennies with intention. By spending on things that give us a return investment in love, support, and satisfaction, we can create a life that doesn’t exhaust us.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

 

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

 

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

Thriving Through the Holidays: Be Here Now

29 Tuesday Nov 2016

Posted by in Leadership, Mindfulness, Thriving Through the Holidays

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be-here-now

Thriving Through the Holidays

Yay! We made it through Thanksgiving! We don’t have to just survive the holidays. There are skills and perspectives that can help us sail through the holidays with ease and enjoyment. Survival is not our goal. Thriving by creating and maintaining positive relationships and perspectives is what we want to strive for during the holiday season. It is so much more fun and motivating that just slogging through! Let’s make the holidays joyous!

 Skill 1: Be here now.

We spend a lot of time being frantic during the holidays. We worry about getting the decorations up, buying presents, preparing food, traveling, and interacting with our families. When we worry or stress, we are thinking about the future or the past. We remember past holidays that didn’t go according to plan. We stress about the bills to come. We dread conversations with Uncle Seibert who doesn’t share our values or world view.

The best antidote for stress and worry is to concentrate on being in the moment. When we are fully present in the now, we aren’t worrying about the past or the future. We are noticing our surroundings and embracing our feelings. We are paying close attention to the people who are with us. When we live fully in the moment, there isn’t a space for worrying about other things.

We are capable of only doing one thing at a time. Multitasking has gotten a lot of hype, and interviewers still ask job candidates if they can multitask. However, studies show that the answer to that question is no. None of us can pay attention to more than one thing at a time. We can become adept at switching between things, but there is always a loss in concentration and time when we continually switch between tasks or thoughts.

Think about it for a minute. Let’s say I sit down to write notes on Christmas cards, but then start running my to-do list through my head. In reality, I’m sitting at the table doing nothing. I’m not getting the Christmas cards done, and I’m not checking things off of my to-do list. I am doing nothing!

In order to be in the moment, we need to be confident that what we are doing is what we need and want to be doing. That takes some organization and prioritization. We need to make a list, check it twice, and then decide what three things we want to accomplish each day. Once we identify what’s important, all we have to do is buckle down and focus on getting those tasks done one at a time.

It’s good to have a to-do list for home and work. Our goal is to know that what we are doing is what we need to be doing while focusing on that task completely.

We have daily chores, too. We drive kids around, shop for groceries, and we take showers. These are prime times to worry and stress. Focusing on what’s going on in the present keeps us calm and gives our tired brains a break. Remember, showering while stressing over getting everything done isn’t helping you get everything done. Take a moment to feel the water on your skin, smell the soap, and relax your muscles in the warm water.

Focusing on the now is being mindful. Studies show that no matter what we are doing, we are happier if we are doing it mindfully – really paying attention to what is going on now. Going about our holiday activities in a mindful way will help reduce stress and increase the joy that you feel!

 

 

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Presence

08 Friday May 2015

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Mindfulness, Positivity

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Presence

Think back to the conversations that you’ve had with other people in the last few days. In how many of those conversation did you feel that you had the complete attention of the other person? In how many did you feel fully listened to and understood? I’m betting not many. In how many of those conversations did you give your full and complete attention to the other person? Once again, I’m betting the answer is “Not many.”

The ability to be completely present with another person during a conversation is a powerful skill and a hallmark of great leaders. The goal of an outstanding leader is to create positive relationships with the people around him or her. One of the ways to build positivity is to meet people’s need to be listened to, understood, and respected.  Many times, leaders are pushed for time and listen with only one ear. I often hear participants in my leadership series complain of bosses who talk to them while facing and typing on the computer. Not being fully present during conversations is the downfall of many leaders.

It’s not surprising that we find being present in the moment so difficult. It is a skill and like any other skill it requires intentional practice. Of course, one way to practice is to practice listening well to others. In coaching, we talk about Listening Levels I, II, and III. At Listening Level I, I’m not really listening to you much at all. I’m thinking about what I want to say as soon as you stop talking and what I need to do after we finish talking. At Listening Level II, I am listening intently, but not catching all of the meaning. At Listening Level III, I am fully present and listening for understanding. I am paying attention to your words, your tone of voice, your facial expressions and your body language. I am curious about it all and ask a lot of questions. Listening Level III is required for one to be fully present.

Listening Level III requires a lot of mental discipline and the ability to focus your attention on one thing. Another way to practice those skills is with mindfulness exercises. Mindfulness is focusing on one thing or moment at a time. An easy way to begin honing your mental focus is to sit quietly and pay attention to your breath. Then pay attention to the small spaces when an inhale becomes an exhale and when an exhale becomes an inhale. Any time your mind wanders, bring it back to your breath. As with any skill, the more you practice, the better you get. Simply paying attention fully to anything that you are doing can turn it into a mindfulness exercise.

Being fully present with someone and listening to him or her at Listening Level III is a wonderful gift to both the giver and receiver. It builds positivity in the relationship and strengthens the connection between them. Being present is a powerful way to improve personal and work relationships. It’s even a great gift to give yourself.

Here’s a link to my video on Presence: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8auxZvRiRM4