Tag Archives: #KathySays

Don’t “Should” on Yourself

19 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Positivity, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

shoulding on yourself 600 px

Last week, we talked about how it isn’t nice to should on other people. Telling others how to live their lives usually comes from a place of caring, but it isn’t really helpful. It also doesn’t help us to build positive relationships.

It’s also not nice to should on yourself. With my coaching clients, I listen for the word “should.” It’s a tip-off that something deeper is going on than just feeling that they should do something.

Shoulds are generally tied to someone else’s expectations. If a client says “I should apply for that promotion,” I know that something is up. There is some reluctance. He or she didn’t say “I want to apply.”

We talk about the internal dialogue that’s going on around applying for a promotion. Then I ask a lot of questions. Whose voice do they hear saying that the promotion is a good thing? Is it an expectation of someone else? Does it truly line up with the client’s values and priorities at this moment in time? What belief underlies the feeling of needing to apply? Is it a childhood belief that is still relevant and useful?

When people say that they should do something, there is rarely any passion or excitement behind it. Clients often say that they should exercise or read more, but there isn’t any enthusiasm. When we dig down to the root of the should, we often find some guilt and shame put on them by someone else. We all have the power to release ourselves from other people’s expectations and live life on our own terms – once we are aware of what is really going on.

Shoulds can also signal a task that needs to be done to achieve a goal, but that we just don’t like. Then the answer is a change in attitude and word choice. Writing this blog is an excellent example.

I haven’t missed a week in writing this blog for about two years. Believe me, that is a major accomplishment in my book. However, I often find myself saying “I should write some of my blog today.” My heart isn’t in it. It’s a chore.

Why I hear myself say “should,” it’s time to ask some questions. The first is “Is this something, although tedious, that I want to do to reach a goal or accomplish something?” If the answer is no, then see the questions above. If the answer is yes, then I need to dig down to my Big Why. (You can read a blog about finding your Big Why here. [link to blog])

My blog is my legacy for my children and grandchildren. I believe in what I teach and talk about. I have seen how leadership skills can change people’s lives at work and at home. I want my family to have this information after I am gone. My young granddaughter isn’t into listening about psychological safety or shoulding. We are reading picture books together at the moment. However, those discussions could help her immensely when she gets older. I want her to read this blog when she gets to high school and feels peer pressure that leads her to think she “should” do stuff that is against her values and priorities.

Every time I hear myself say “I should work on my blog,” I remind myself of why I write it, and I change the statement in my head to “I want to write my blog today.” Realizing that you want to do something because it is in alignment with your values and priorities and that it helps you to achieve a goal that has real meaning for you is very motivating. Just changing to “I want to” shifts the feeling around the task. It’s much more inspiring.

Pause when you hear yourself say “I should …” First, ask yourself if it’s something that you really want to do because it will help you to achieve a goal that has meaning for you. If the answer is yes, then get back in touch with your Big Why. What makes this action important to you? How is it going to help? I see my cute granddaughter’s face and imagine her as a teenager. I will be long gone when she is a young adult, and my blog is the only support I can offer her in the future.

If the task is not in alignment with your values and priorities, do you really have to do it? Who would you be pleasing or benefitting with the action? What belief is the “should” based on? Do you really want to move up the career ladder, or is that a parent’s wish for you? Questioning your motivation for a “should” can be a tricky thing. Work with a coach, or find a friend who is a good listener and asks curious questions.

Life goes by quickly, and we don’t get any moments back. We create a life of joy and purpose when we spend our time on things that have meaning for us and help us to create the life we want to have.

I want to add a short note about shoulding on yourself about things that you have done in the past: Don’t. That is not to say that examining a past action and determining a better way to have done something isn’t useful. It is! However, running past mistakes over and over in our heads is not useful and not helpful. Learn the lesson and move on.

I actually started doing this in high school. Of course, there was a lot of drama during high school, a lot of romance, and several broken hearts. When we are young, we are trying behaviors to see if they fit with who we are and who we want to become. Sometimes we do extraordinarily stupid things, and because it’s high school it feels like the end of the world.

I would run “I should have” loops in my head endlessly. I made myself sick to my stomach. Realizing that the constant rehash wasn’t helping anything, I analyzed the situation and then decided on the lesson I wanted to bring forward. Then I’d create one short phrase like “Being kind is more important than being popular” or “Boys who like themselves more than me are not my cup of tea.” (And now we all know why I didn’t become a poet.)

Whenever the “should have” loop started running, I would pause and replace it with my new mantra for the situation. I would say it over and over again in my head until I was distracted by something else, which wasn’t usually that long in high school. Now I know that the technique is called cognitive restructuring, and it’s a tool that can help us take control of our thoughts so that we can move forward in a positive way.

Moving forward in a positive way is one of my main goals in life. Shoulding on ourselves about the present or the past keeps that positive movement from us. However, when we wave around the Magic Wand of Destiny and intentionally choose our thoughts and actions, we create a powerful momentum that propels us toward success and happiness.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

“Shoulding” on Others

12 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by in #Communication, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

shoulding on others 600 px

The topic of telling other people what they ought to be doing has come up several times recently. In coaching, we call it “shoulding” on people. Shoulding can actually include the word “should.” For example, I might say, “You should get a haircut” or “You should buy that neon purple shirt.” I can up the ante and make myself really annoying if I point a finger at you while I tell you what you should be doing. Irritating, right?

It can still be shoulding without using the word. For example, I could say, “The only way to peel an orange is in strips, top to bottom” or “Burping loudly is always what works best.” I’m not using the word “should,” but I’m still telling you what you ought to be doing.

I have never coached a person who appreciated being told what he or she “should” do. Honestly, do you like it? I don’t! So why do we insist on doing it to others? I am not entirely sure, but I have a guess.

Most of us like things done a certain way. Of course, the right way is my way – in case you were wondering. In my head, I am not thinking, “It’s important that you do this my way.” The internal dialogue is more along the lines of “This is what would be best for you.” There is a true desire to help, but it is underpinned by a belief that I truly know what is best for you. In fact, that is seldom the case.

It’s important for us all to know and keep in mind that each one of us is an expert on ourselves. We know the best solutions to our own challenges. Our solutions fit with our values, priorities, and strengths. My solution for you is based on my values, priorities, and strengths. It might be a terrible thing for you to do.

We may not always know right off the bat what the best solution is. However, people telling us what we should do does not help. What does help is someone asking us questions. Curious questions about what is going on and what’s important are the most helpful.

When I tell people that I am a life coach, they often ask, “How do you know what to tell people to do?” Hmmm. They don’t understand coaching. I know that each of my clients is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. They may be stuck or confused, but they are capable of creating their own solutions. A good life coach doesn’t tell people what to do. When I’m coaching, I repeat over and over in my head the phrase “Coach the person, not the problem.” Once I start solving my clients’ problems, I am shoulding on them.

Generally, we should on people because we genuinely want what’s best for them. It’s important to know that: [drum roll] We have no idea what is best for them! Each of us is the best creator of our own solutions.

For clients with shoulding challenges, I encourage them to ask at least three questions before offering a suggestion. Many times the problem is solved during the questions, and providing solutions is averted. Questions that begin with, “Don’t you think it would be a good idea if…” absolutely do not count.

What do we do when someone is shoulding on us? We have options. I have several friends who are shoulders. (Ha! In my head, it’s pronounced shooders! But it’s really shoulders – like by your neck. I love words.) One tells me when it’s clear to pull out when I’m driving. Another tells me exactly what I need to do for marketing messages. Another is very smart – a renaissance woman, and no matter what the topic, she knows what I should do.

For the most part, I’ve just decided not to let their barrage of solutions bother me. They are helping in their own way. I’m like a teenager; I nod my head like I’m agreeing but do whatever I dang well please. The important thing is that I can do this and not get riled up in the least.

Often people aren’t aware of what they are doing. I went on vacation with a fellow coach, and she said something about not shoulding on people. I said, “Are you serious? You should on me all the time!” From that point forward, she would tell me what I ought to do, pause, and then say, “I did it again, didn’t I?” Awareness is the first step for everyone!

When I start to get riled up, it’s time to set some gentle boundaries. It’s usually general. I will say something like, “I appreciate you wanting to help, but I’ve got this.” Even when I tire of being told what to do, I still remember that their intentions are good.

We can also tell people what they should have done in the past. That action is particularly destructive to a relationship. First, we can’t really go back and do it differently. What’s done is done. Second, it’s not helpful. The person who tells you what you should have done in the past is not trying to help you and does not have your best interests at heart. It’s a blame game. A play to make you feel guilty. Distance yourself as much as possible from people who should you about the past.

If it’s a relationship that you want to save, gently ask why they are bringing this up. Also ask in a genuine tone what they want you to do. The answer is often “I don’t know.” Sometimes, it’s just an act of frustration. It’s best to bring it into everyone’s awareness and find out what the root motivation is.

The only exception that I can think of is if the analysis of past behavior is an evaluation that will help change future behavior to create success. Still, you rarely hear an exceptional leader say, “Well, you really should have done that differently.” A more appropriate statement would be, “Let’s look at how you could have gotten a different outcome.”

Here are the points to remember:

  1. People who tell us what we should do are generally trying to help.
  2. We are not helping when we tell others what they should do.
  3. Ask at least three questions before beginning to provide solutions.
  4. Telling people what they should have done in the past is really not helpful and can be damaging to the relationship.
  5. It’s only useful to talk about the past in terms of learning from it. Take the lesson and move on.

Next time we will talk about the common practice of shoulding on ourselves.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Final Answer (6 of 6) (Woohoo!)

05 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

female supervisor 650 px

I have been discussing my leadership list in depth, and we are up to number six, the last one! My list is a response to Google’s research on the qualities of exceptional teams, as described in Project Aristotle. Here is the list with the bullet points that I’ve discussed so far.

Kathy’s Leadership List

  1. Be present, and show that you care.
  • Focus on keeping your mind present during conversations and meetings.
  • Use good nonverbal communication to assure people that you are listening.
  • Show interest in people’s activities outside of work.
  • Maintain appropriate boundaries for personal discussions.
  1. Enforce and model respect for self and others.
  • Watch vigilantly for situations that make a person or group feel a lack of respect.
  • Talk to employees and peers about disrespectful behavior in an appropriate setting.
  • Behave scrupulously, in a way that always shows respect for others.
  • Establish Designed Alliances whenever possible so that respectful behavior is explicitly defined, expected, and required.
  1. Include others in decision-making as much as possible.
  • People like control. Great leaders give others control as much as possible. Autonomy is motivating.
  • Meeting people’s personal needs to be listened to, understood, and respected creates positive relationships.
  • We make better decisions with more information. People who don’t agree with us can have valuable information to share.
  • After making a decision, a leader should share the reasons behind the decision and their feelings about it.
  • Inclusive decision-making saves more time in the long run.
  1. Ensure individual and team goals are clear and in alignment with organizational goals.
  • Leaders must understand how their group contributes to the overall success of the organization.
  • It’s important to make sure everyone in the group understands how they, as a group, help the organization achieve its goals.
  • Roles and responsibilities must be clear to everyone in the group.
  • Each individual needs to know how he or she makes a difference.
  1. Be consistent, dependable, and positive in your actions, attitude, and mindset.
  • Great leaders are reliable in word and deed.
  • Consistency builds trust.
  • Positive leaders build personal influence.
  1. Make curiosity your default.

So, let’s discuss number six!

Make curiosity your default. I have saved the best and most powerful for last. I wholeheartedly believe in the power of questions.

Many leaders with whom I work have a tendency to make assumptions and jump to conclusions. They are absolutely certain that they know why a thing has happened or a person has done a certain action. Many times, they are completely and totally wrong, yet they work from their assumptions as if they are truth.

We can only move ourselves and our organizations forward if we base our actions and strategies on facts, which is why it is crucial to pause and ask some questions to truly understand a situation. For example, let’s say an employee is consistently late turning in a report. We assume that the person is lazy, inattentive, or has poor time management skills. When the employee tries to talk to us about it, we say, “I don’t want to hear any excuses,” and walk away. It could be that the employee is not getting a crucial piece of information from someone else. Maybe he or she doesn’t understand a required software. If we don’t listen and truly understand what is going on, we are a major part of the problem.

Asking people genuinely curious questions also builds positive relationships. Our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. We can meet all of those needs by asking people what they think and how they feel about something.

I don’t think I can reiterate enough the power of creating positive relationships. Positivity creates personal influence, which is our preferred means of motivating people. When we use our positional authority with threats, our leadership is limited to what we see and enforce. When we use our personal influence, we motivate people all the time. We don’t have to be present to know that they are doing a good job.

Some leaders feel that asking others for their opinions is a sign of weakness. Nothing could be further from the truth. Leaders who consistently make unilateral decisions without asking for input are generally disliked, not respected. In asking for different perspectives, we are not committing to accept or follow those suggestions. We are listening to people about their area of expertise to make sure we haven’t missed anything. We are also creating the psychological safety needed to encourage people to speak up and contribute.

Here are the bullet points to remember:

  • Great questions give leaders the information that they need to create relevant actions and strategies.
  • Asking for someone’s opinions and feelings on a topic increases the positivity of the relationship.
  • A curious mindset encourages a thoughtful, collaborative work environment.

There you have it — Kathy’s complete leadership list! If you focus on these six things, you can create the exceptional teams described by Google’s Project Aristotle. Remember, the main goal is to create psychological safety in your organization so that every person feels free to share ideas and disagree. You can download my complete list here if you want a one-page reminder to put up in your workplace.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Final Answer (5)

29 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in Leadership, Positivity, Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

sunrise coffee 600 px

I have been discussing my leadership list in depth, and we are up to number five. Only one more to go after this one! My list is a response to Google’s research on the qualities of exceptional teams, as described in Project Aristotle. Here is the list with the bullet points that I’ve discussed so far.

Kathy’s Leadership List

  1. Be present, and show that you care.
  • Focus on keeping your mind present during conversations and meetings.
  • Use good nonverbal communication to assure people that you are listening.
  • Show interest in people’s activities outside of work.
  • Maintain appropriate boundaries for personal discussions.
  1. Enforce and model respect for self and others.
  • Watch vigilantly for situations that make a person or group feel a lack of respect.
  • Talk to employees and peers about disrespectful behavior in an appropriate setting.
  • Behave scrupulously, in a way that always shows respect for others.
  • Establish Designed Alliances whenever possible so that respectful behavior is explicitly defined, expected, and required.
  1. Include others in decision-making as much as possible.
  • People like control. Great leaders give others control as much as possible. Autonomy is motivating.
  • Meeting people’s personal needs to be listened to, understood, and respected creates positive relationships.
  • We make better decisions with more information. People who don’t agree with us can have valuable information to share.
  • After making a decision, a leader should share the reasons behind the decision and their feelings about it.
  • Inclusive decision-making saves more time in the long run.
  1. Ensure individual and team goals are clear and in alignment with organizational goals.
  • Leaders must understand how their group contributes to the overall success of the organization.
  • It’s important to make sure everyone in the group understands how they, as a group, help the organization achieve its goals.
  • Roles and responsibilities must be clear to everyone in the group.
  • Each individual needs to know how he or she makes a difference.
  1. Be consistent, dependable, and positive in your actions, attitude, and mindset.
  2. Make curiosity your default.

So, let’s discuss number five.

Be consistent, dependable, and positive in your actions, attitude, and mindset. There is a lot packed into this one. Let’s start by discussing what it means to be consistent and dependable. We want to be like Horton the elephant in Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss. Horton agrees to sit on the egg of the feckless bird Mayzie, who promises to come back. She doesn’t, and Horton stays fast on the egg through all sorts of trials. He stays until it hatches, all the while saying, “I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful, one hundred percent.” We want to show that same determination to keep our word.

Of course, things come up, and life challenges us in ways that make it difficult to do what we way. However, great leaders are careful with their words and only promise what they are sure they can deliver. If we can’t for some reason, then we must apologize and make it right in any way that we can. It’s ok for leaders to make mistakes as long as they acknowledge those mistakes and make sure they don’t happen again.

Behaving in a consistent way can also be a challenge. We want to stay calm and reasonable as much as possible, but we have bad days and trying times in life. However, even through the trials of life, we want to show some emotional maturity and not lash out at others.

We could be consistently awful and negative, but that’s not what I’m going for. That’s why I added “positive” to number five. We want to be reliable and positive. Think about leaders whom you admire and follow without question. Any of them negative people? Mine aren’t. I had one woman in my life who I felt was a wonderful leader, and then something happened and she turned negative. She immediately lost her influence over me.

Just to be clear and complete, I specified that we want to be consistent, dependable, and positive in our actions, attitude, and mindset. Actions are easy to define. We want to act in a positive way that proves to others that we are reliable because when people have faith in us, we build trust and personal influence.

I don’t want to quibble too much about the difference between attitude and mindset. In general, I think that we can have a positive attitude about one thing and a negative attitude about something else. We want to cultivate a positive attitude about as many things as possible.

Once we’ve done that, we’ve gone a long way to developing a positive mindset that encourages us to see challenges as opportunities and have faith that things are going to work out for the best. Great leaders have positive attitudes about people and things at work. They also have positive mindsets about life in general and confidence in themselves and the world. A positive attitude and mindset help us to cultivate personal influence that invites others to follow us.

Here are the bullet points to remember:

  • Great leaders are reliable in word and deed.
  • Consistency builds trust.
  • Positive leaders build personal influence.

We are successful leaders when others have the same confidence in us as they do in the rising sun each morning. Bonus points if we create a positive relationship that conjures the warm fuzzies that coffee drinkers feel towards their first cups. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – leadership is all about creating positive relationships. Positivity, reliability, and consistency are the foundation.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Final Answer (4)

22 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

clear target 600 px

I have been discussing my leadership list in depth, and we are up to number four. My list is a response to Google’s research on the qualities of exceptional teams, as described in Project Aristotle. Here is the list with the bullet points that I’ve discussed so far.

Kathy’s Leadership List

  1. Be present, and show that you care.
  • Focus on keeping your mind present during conversations and meetings.
  • Use good nonverbal communication to assure people that you are listening.
  • Show interest in people’s activities outside of work.
  • Maintain appropriate boundaries for personal discussions.
  1. Enforce and model respect for self and others.
  • Watch vigilantly for situations that make a person or group feel a lack of respect.
  • Talk to employees and peers about disrespectful behavior in an appropriate setting.
  • Behave scrupulously, in a way that always shows respect for others.
  • Establish Designed Alliances whenever possible so that respectful behavior is explicitly defined, expected, and required.
  1. Include others in decision-making as much as possible.
  • People like control. Great leaders give others control as much as possible. Autonomy is motivating.
  • Meeting people’s personal needs to be listened to, understood, and respected creates positive relationships.
  • We make better decisions with more information. People who don’t agree with us can have valuable information to share.
  • After making a decision, a leader should share the reasons behind the decision and their feelings about it.
  • Inclusive decision-making saves more time in the long run.
  1. Ensure individual and team goals are clear and in alignment with organizational goals.
  2. Be consistent, dependable, and positive in your actions, attitude, and mindset.
  3. Make curiosity your default.

So, let’s discuss number four.

Ensure individual and team goals are clear and in alignment with organizational goals. Leaders can avoid a lot of conflict and create a lot of motivation by ensuring that individual and team goals are clear and linked to organizational goals. Leaders can start by examining their group’s or team’s goals and then asking, “How do these goals help the organization achieve its goals?” In theory, every department, group, or team should be doing something that helps the organization accomplish its mission. So, it’s up to the leader to determine why his or her group matters. Why are they paid? What do they contribute that helps the organization?

Once the leader has figured out how the group helps the organization achieve success, he or she should make sure that every individual on the team has that information. Everyone needs to know what the group’s goals are and how they fit in with organizational goals.

People like to know that they make a difference. It’s motivating to be part of a team effort to accomplish something. We are more content when we feel that we have and provide value.

The next step for a leader is to look at each individual’s job on the team. It’s important to be able to answer the question “How does this person in this position help our group be successful and meet its goals?” Theoretically, no one should be on the payroll who isn’t helping the group and organization reach their goals. Once again, it’s motivating to know how our contributions fit into the bigger picture.

Next, leaders need to make sure that every person is clear about his or her responsibilities. We can’t be successful if we don’t know what success looks like. Of course, a clear and specific job description is ideal. In the coaching segment of my leadership workshops, I remind leaders that they can only expect people to achieve the minimum performance level outlined in the job description. So, it’s imperative that the job description includes the responsibilities and tasks that contribute to the group’s success. We use our personal influence to encourage higher achievement, but people are only required to do what is in the job description.

Lastly, leaders need to ensure that there is no overlap of duties. I often see conflict in organizations that stems from two people each believing that they are responsible for a task or area. It’s important for a leader to make sure that everyone knows what their lane looks like and that they stay in it – unless they are stepping out to help someone else.

Here are the bullet points to remember:

  • Leaders must understand how their group contributes to the overall success of the organization.
  • It’s important to make sure everyone in the group understands how they, as a group, help the organization achieve its goals.
  • Roles and responsibilities must be clear to everyone in the group.
  • Each individual needs to know how he or she makes a difference.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Final Answer (3)

15 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

female supervisor 650 px

I have been discussing my leadership list in depth, and we are up to number three. My list is a response to Google’s research on the qualities of exceptional teams, as described in Project Aristotle. Here is the list with the bullet points that I’ve discussed so far.

Kathy’s Leadership List

  1. Be present, and show that you care.
  • Focus on keeping your mind present during conversations and meetings.
  • Use good nonverbal communication to assure people that you are listening.
  • Show interest in people’s activities outside of work.
  • Maintain appropriate boundaries for personal discussions.
  1. Enforce and model respect for self and others.
  • Watch vigilantly for situations that make a person or group feel a lack of respect.
  • Talk to employees and peers about disrespectful behavior in an appropriate setting.
  • Behave scrupulously, in a way that always shows respect for others.
  • Establish Designed Alliances whenever possible so that respectful behavior is explicitly defined, expected, and required.
  1. Include others in decision-making as much as possible.
  2. Ensure individual and team goals are clear and in alignment with organizational goals.
  3. Be consistent, dependable, and positive in your actions, attitude, and mindset.
  4. Make curiosity your default.

So, let’s discuss number three.

Include others in decision-making as much as possible. People like to have control over things. I have never met a person in my trainings or coaching who wants no control over how he or she spends his or her time.

When we make unilateral decisions and tell people what they have to do, it usually results in some resentment. Maybe it makes us feel like children who don’t have a say in what happens. We definitely don’t feel that our opinions or needs are valued when our input is not considered.

Including others in the decision-making process is also a great way to create positive relationships. I believe that I’ve mentioned before that creating and maintaining positive relationships is one of the hallmarks of great leadership. There are other benefits, as well.

First, we make better decisions when we have more information. When I work with groups that are having trouble making a decision together, each person has an idea of the problem and the solution. We put everyone’s ideas, feelings, and perspectives out on the table for everyone to consider. We always come up with a better solution than any one that a person brought with them because we are working with all of the information and brainpower of the group.

Second, people have more buy-in. We don’t really get behind decisions if we didn’t have any influence at all during the deciding phase. The best way to get people motivated about a decision is to let them be a part of the process of making it. In Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, Daniel Pink points out that autonomy is one way to motivate others. We want to make others feel as in control of their time and day as possible.

If you cannot take anyone’s ideas or feelings into account, make it clear that it’s a done deal. If you just don’t want to, think again. We don’t show strength when we make decisions to look decisive. We show strength when we have enough confidence and grace to ask the opinions of others.

It’s especially important to ask for the opinions and feelings of people whom we believe will disagree with us. One, they may have some really good points that we haven’t considered. Two, we develop positive relationships when we meet someone’s personal needs, which are to be listened to, understood and respected. You will notice that the list does not include “agreed with.” Most people are happy if they feel that you have fully understood their thoughts and feelings and considered them with an open mind, even if you ultimately disagree.

Once we make a decision, it’s important to share the rationale behind it. If we didn’t take someone’s suggestion, it’s best to let them know as soon as possible and to tell them why. If there isn’t a good reason not to take someone’s suggestion, I would suggest doing it. When we are open to the influence of others, we strengthen our relationships with them.

When working with leaders, the biggest obstacle that I see to a more collaborative decision-making process is a lack of time. It is much faster to make a decision and move on. However, the resulting lack of motivation and sometimes vehement objections from people expected to implement a plan on which they had no influence will take a lot of a leader’s time. A simple conversation and a few questions can go a long way toward saving time in the long run.

Here are the bullet points to remember:

  • People like control. Great leaders give others control as much as possible. Autonomy is motivating.
  • Meeting people’s personal needs to be listened to, understood, and respected creates positive relationships.
  • We make better decisions with more information. People who don’t agree with us can have valuable information to share.
  • After making a decision, a leader should share the reasons behind the decision and their feelings about it.
  • Inclusive decision-making saves more time in the long run.

Everything on my leadership list fosters psychological safety. When we listen and value the feelings and opinions of others, we are creating the safe space needed for psychological safety.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Final Answer (1)

01 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

PEA 600 px

I want to circle back to the study that started my exploration of psychological safety. Back in 2012, Google realized that not all its teams were performing equally – which is a bit odd if you think about it. Google is full of smart and motivated people. Why wouldn’t all their teams be doing great? They created an initiative called Project Aristotle and set out to study their teams.

The research team looked at the characteristics of the people on each team. They researched the effects of age, ethnicity, background, education, and interests. They compared groups that socialized outside of work to groups that didn’t. The researchers looked at 180 teams and couldn’t find any rhyme or reason to why one team did better than another – for a while.

The team followed a trail that started with something about group norms, to unwritten rules, to team culture. They knew that norms mattered, but which one was most influential? They found that psychological safety was the key.

We feel psychologically safe when we are sure that our teammates won’t embarrass or punish us (or anyone else) for asking a question, making a mistake, or suggesting a new idea. We are free to take risks.

I’ve focused mainly on psychological safety, but here is the complete list of influencing factors in order of importance:

  1. Psychological Safety. The team members feel safe to take risks and be vulnerable in front of each other.
  2. Dependability. Team members get things done on time and meet standards for excellence.
  3. Structure and Clarity. Team members have clear roles, plans, and goals.
  4. Meaning. Work is personally important to team members.
  5. Impact. Team members think their work matters and creates change.

I’m always trying to come up with clear, short guidelines for leaders to follow. It’s sort of a game for me, a puzzle. In a previous blog , I wrote a list of things that leaders can do to create psychological safety. Here a list that takes all of Project Aristotle’s findings into consideration.

Kathy’s Leadership List

  1. Be present, and show that you care.
  2. Enforce and model respect for self and others.
  3. Include others in decision-making as much as possible.
  4. Ensure individual and team goals are clear and in alignment with organizational goals.
  5. Be consistent, dependable, and positive in your actions, attitude, and mindset.
  6. Make curiosity your default.

We are going to explore my list one item at a time. I was going to include them all in one blog and quickly realized that I would be creating a monster blog for me to write and you to read. Let’s take it slowly. This week, we examine the first item on my list.

Be present, and show that you care. In every leadership workshop that I facilitate, someone complains of a boss who continues working on the computer while talking with people. When we aren’t fully present during our conversations, we are telling people that they are less important than whatever we are doing. It’s crucial for leaders to stop what they are doing and give others their full attention. If you don’t have time at that moment, turn and ask if you can talk when you’ve finished what you need to do. Then be sure to follow through and have that conversation.

We let people know that we are truly listening and paying attention with our nonverbal communication – facial expression, tone of voice, and body language. Face the person you are talking with, and make good eye contact. We show we are listening by reacting to what a person says; our facial expression should mirror theirs. Lastly, turn your shoulders and hips toward whoever is speaking, and do not cross your arms. There are books on nonverbal communication that are great, but these are the basics.

Leaders in my workshops struggle with finding a balance around caring for employees. It can be a challenge. First, we must always have others’ best interests at heart. As leaders, we can’t put individual needs over organizational requirements, but one of our goals is to create success for the people who work for us. We want them to succeed, and we want to help.

We also want them to know that we see them as fellow human beings and value the relationship. Know that a few minutes spent chatting is not a waste of time. People value time spent conversing with a leader. It’s time well-spent in creating a positive relationship.

However, boundaries are crucial. We want to show interest in people’s lives outside of work, but we don’t want to hear inappropriate details. It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I am not comfortable talking about that at work.” It’s a good answer when someone asks a question that you feel is too private.

Here is item one of my list, with bullet point reminders:

  1. Be present, and show that you care.
  • Focus on keeping your mind present during conversations and meetings.
  • Use good nonverbal communication to assure people that you are listening.
  • Show interest in people’s activities outside of work.
  • Maintain appropriate boundaries for personal discussions.

Remember, people don’t quit their jobs; they quit their bosses. We do not want to be a boss that people want to escape. We create the positive relationships required for a good working environment when we are present and show that we care.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Humor vs. Vulnerability

03 Tuesday Apr 2018

Posted by in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

humor vulnerability armor 550 px

As I move through life with my psychological safety-noticing glasses on, I’ve noticed a trend. These behaviors have probably been around forever, but I am looking at them with new eyes. What used to be funny is now a threat to psychological safety and the effectiveness of leaders and groups.

I first noticed in my leadership workshops that a few of the participants weren’t fully engaging in the activities. Instead of following instructions and practicing new skills, they were joking around. At first, I suspected that they were just being obnoxious. However, as I really looked at what they were doing, I realized that they were avoiding taking the risk of performing the skills incorrectly and looking silly.

In leadership workshops, we talk about the value of failure in learning. I have them sign their names with their dominant and nondominant hands to feel the difference. We are comfortable with our dominant hand, but signing with our nondominant hand is uncomfortable. We don’t do it all the time, and we aren’t good at it.

I warn participants that the uncomfortable feeling will come up as they practice new skills and that it’s OK. Actually, it’s required because if they don’t try anything new, they leave my workshop exactly as they walked in, and our time together has not been used well. Even with all that prep, some people in the group were not engaging and going all in.

Creating psychological safety so that people feel comfortable trying, and perhaps failing, is partially my responsibility as the group leader. I ensure that no one makes fun of anyone else. I call out any derogatory comments. I remind the group of the ground rules that they came up with and agreed to. I encourage and applaud them when they give something a shot. However, it’s still up to the participants to take that final leap to vulnerability, to show their true authentic selves, and to go all in on the exercises that we do to practice new skills. I was seeing a lot of joking around that was keeping them “safe.” They were using humor as armor to protect themselves

Instead of playing the role laid out in a conflict-resolution scenario, they were being funny – and they were funny! Hilarious at times, but the hilarity was keeping them and their fellow participants from experiencing the discomfort of trying and mastering new skills. Simply, they were refusing to be vulnerable.

Right after noticing the use of humor to avoid vulnerability in workshops, I noticed the behavior in a meeting that I attended. It was a weekly meeting where there was a great sense of camaraderie. The people knew and liked each other. However, when they got up to speak, they worked to get laughs from their friends. They got those laughs by making fun of each other and guests. One speaker actually got a laugh at the expense of a visiting high school student. No one else in the crowd looked fussed, and I was appalled.

By comparing my reaction to everyone else’s, I deduced that my sensitivity level around behaviors that damage psychological safety is much higher than most people’s. The comparison also let me know why psychological safety and high-performing teams are so rare; the damaging behavior didn’t register to most of the group. It was normal, acceptable behavior in their eyes. They didn’t see a thing wrong with the situation because it’s what they are used to.

It seems that the need for laughs came from a bit of insecurity when standing up in front of the group. The group’s norm included making fun of each other. The speakers must have felt vulnerable and were trying to hide it by picking on others to get a communal laugh that made them feel good and like they were part of the group. They felt the need to get armored up to ensure that they were not vulnerable.

Vulnerable. There is that word again. When you want research on vulnerability, you go to Brené Brown, a well-known author and YouTube star who talks about shame, vulnerability, and bravery. I thought that her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead was the place to start.

Brown opens the book with this quote from Theodore Roosevelt’s 1910 “Citizenship in a Republic” speech:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…”

Brown shares her reaction when she first read the quote. She thought, “This is vulnerability. Everything I’ve learned from over a decade of research on vulnerability has taught me this exact lesson. Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.”

There cannot be great victories or joy without great risk. We must put our hearts on our sleeves and fully engage in order to achieve the goals in life that matter to us. Of course, we also face the possibility of failure and maybe embarrassment, but those things aren’t fatal. They hurt for sure! However, the best of us have shoulders broad enough to carry that risk and set an example for the rest.

In Kathy’s Ideal World, we all risk failure – and great success. We go out in the arena and fully engage in life. We allow people to see what matters to us.

We also all cheer each other on from the stands through both. We create psychological safety for every person who we come in contact with by applauding their efforts and never, ever getting a laugh at their expense.

Psychological safety helps to create exceptional teams, and it requires vulnerability and bravery. Psychological safety in life requires the same, but it’s how we begin to lead exceptional lives.

Get out there, and go all in! Be vulnerable and willing to fail magnificently! I am cheering for you from the stands!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Fact and Feeling Parts

27 Tuesday Mar 2018

Posted by in #Communication, Feelings, Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , ,

fact and feeling 550 px

It’s important to know that every message has a fact and a feeling part. One must identify both parts in order to deal with a conflict effectively or to communicate clearly.

This is a Kathy Observation, not researched fact, but I’m pretty sure that you cannot create psychological safety and strictly stick to facts all the time. We are humans, and humans have feelings. As leaders, we don’t have the luxury of ignoring them. I learned this lesson late in life, and it would have saved me some time and trouble if I’d known about it sooner.

For 20 years, I led volunteers as an Army spouse. In one group that met monthly, there was one young woman who always sat at my right hand and objected to everything that the group proposed. She objected on a factual level – logistics, budget, convenience. She slowed us down every single month.

If I’d been savvier, I would have figured out that it wasn’t the facts that she objected to. I had a vague notion that she was unhappy or resentful, but I had no idea why. There was a feeling component that I wasn’t dealing with at that time. If I’d asked and listened, I could have saved us a lot of time arguing over facts for no good reason.

Now I pay attention to everyone’s nonverbal communication and ask about any telltale signs of an emotion. People often agree with something or say that everything is fine while their nonverbals say exactly the opposite. Crossed arms, furrowed brows, and a lack of eye contact are all indicators that they don’t agree and everything is not fine. They will carry those unexpressed feelings out the door and stew in them if I don’t bring them out in the open by asking some questions.

It can feel scary to voluntarily dive into the ocean of emotions. The water is murky and deep, and you have no idea of what lurks down there. Take heart! First, leadership requires bravery – so take a deep breath, and go for it! Second, naming an emotion that you see and asking about it can create an uncomfortable situation, but it isn’t fatal. In the workplace, you generally get an explanation for the emotion that makes a lot of sense and gives you new information. The answers can be surprising – something that you wouldn’t have guessed.

We can only create psychological safety if we deal with both the facts and the feelings of individuals. The only way to identify the feeling part of a situation is to ask!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Open with a CAR

20 Tuesday Mar 2018

Posted by in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I’ve talked with several people over the past few weeks about how to begin the difficult conversations that are the hallmark of psychological safety. Even if the group has norms in place that encourage people to challenge one another and to offer diverse ideas, it can feel intimidating to bring up a subject that is going to create some conflict.

A great way to start is with a CAR; it’s a feedback tool that includes Circumstances, Action, and Result. This format works well because it encourages us to talk about facts. Our discussions stay grounded in objective, observable behaviors.

CAR with outline

We begin by discussing the circumstances surrounding the action we want to talk about. We clearly outline when it happened and what was going on. For example, we might start with, “Yesterday when we were trying to get the order shipped for XYZ.” That tells the person or group what situation you are talking about.

Then we move on to the action or procedure that we want to discuss. We might say, “Fred followed our required procedures to get the order out the door.” It’s important to stick to observable facts and use no colorful adjectives or adverbs like “archaic” or “stupid” when describing the procedure or action – or a person, for that matter!

Then we explain the results of the actions. As much as possible, we want to make these business results – how the actions impacted the organization and group goals. If we continue with our example above, the results might have been that we did not get the shipment out on time because the required procedures include a lot of paperwork and time. We damaged the relationship with the customer, and our reputation for reliability was weakened. All of those results will make it more difficult to keep and gain customers.

After describing the circumstances, action, and result, we can offer an alternate action that would have been more useful. In our example, we might offer ways to streamline the process so that it takes less time. We could also ask for other people’s ideas about how to get orders shipped more efficiently.

It’s important to talk about the positive outcome that would happen with the new actions so that everyone stays focused on a positive business result. In our example, if we improve the shipment paperwork process, we can meet deadlines more easily, get more done faster, and maintain our reputation for reliability.

The beauty of the CAR format is that it helps to keep the conversation grounded in observable facts and desired business results. It keeps a group from blaming each other and going over past events. The focus is on achieving outcomes that help everyone.

Before we begin a discussion using the CAR format, it’s important to set our intention to create a positive, helpful environment for the conversation. Our purpose is to create success for the group and the organization, not to prove anyone wrong. We must maintain a helpful, positive attitude. We do not want to carry an adversarial attitude into the discussion.

The CAR format can be used to give any kind of feedback. In leadership workshops, we practice using it to give positive and developmental feedback to employees. We can use the CAR format to let someone know the specific action that he or she took that helped the team and organization. Remember, we want to create positive relationships and comment on the good things that we see as often as possible.

The CAR format is great for giving positive feedback because it tells the person exactly what they did that was useful and the good effect that it had for the business. Whenever we see someone doing something that we’d like to see them do again, we should give them some positive feedback on it. Appreciation is one of the biggest motivators for people.

Printing the CAR .pdf and using the individual CAR formats to keep track of feedback that we’ve given is an excellent practice. You can download a copy under the “Free Stuff” tab on my website. It’s a good way to collect information that we will need when we give performance reviews. It can be difficult to remember the actions of all of our employees over time.

It’s also a good idea to use the CAR format to keep track of our own actions. Our supervisors might not notice everything that we do. If we take a minute to jot down things we do, both good and not so good, we have specific examples to offer during our performance reviews. We can say, “I think I’ve done this well, and here are some examples.” Be sure to date the CARs. When asked what we need to work on, we will have already identified areas that we want to improve. If by chance our supervisors say that they think we need to improve in a certain area in which we have actually had some success, then we have ready examples of specific circumstances and our actions in those circumstances.

Maintaining a fact-based conversation with a positive attitude supports an environment of psychological safety. The CAR format can keep us on track and give us courage to start difficult conversations.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.