Tag Archives: #KathySays

Psychological Safety: Danger of Indifference

13 Tuesday Mar 2018

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As I’ve been imagining what a psychologically safe environment looks like, I’ve seen it as animosity- and sarcasm-free. I felt like getting rid of active aggression would solve the problem and make people feel free to share their opinions and take risks. As I’ve watched the world around me, I’ve realized that another huge obstacle to psychological safety is indifference. Mostly, it shows up as not being fully present and attentive during a conversation.

The goal of a great leader is to create positive relationships. We know from Google’s Project Aristotle that exceptional teams have psychological safety, which does, in fact, create and foster positive relationships. One of the ways to create positivity in a relationship is to pay attention to the other person and actively listen to what he or she has to say.

We also know that positive relationships require a positivity interaction ratio of at least 5:1, which means that we must have about five positive interactions for every negative one. In one study, asking a student how homework was going turned out to be a negative interaction. For the purposes of maintaining the positivity ratio, a negative interaction doesn’t have to include animosity or anger; it just won’t be positive.

When we continue to type on the computer while talking to someone, we are having a negative interaction because we are not making the other person feel valued. We are sending the message that what they are saying is not as important as what we are typing. In workshops, I hear complaints over and over about bosses who don’t stop what they are doing to actively listen to what someone is saying.

Each and every interaction builds positivity and, hence, psychological safety, or damages it. Dr. John Gottman, a well-known researcher on successful relationships, calls them “sliding-door moments,” after a Gwyneth Paltrow movie called Sliding Doors. In the movie, Paltrow’s character decides to go home because she isn’t feeling well. We first see her miss a train in the London tube. She goes home and uneventfully climbs into bed. Then the scene replays, and she catches the train. She gets home earlier than she did in the first scenario and catches her boyfriend cheating on her with her best friend.

Gottman contends that we face sliding-door moments all the time in relationships. The dramatic difference in outcomes might not be as immediate as in the movie, but every interaction is a chance to turn towards a person and meet a need for connection. Each interaction is also an opportunity to turn away and ignore an emotional need. In The Science of Trust, Gottman writes:

“Failing to turn toward our partner in any one of these sliding-door moments may not have hugely negative consequences. However, when we add up many such choices to dismiss emotion instead of attuning to it, the result is two different trajectories leading to very different universes.”

If we pay attention to someone’s emotions and need for connection, we help to create psychological safety and a positive relationship. When we ignore or dismiss a person’s bid to connect, we damage the relationship because we damage trust. Each bid is really asking the question, “Can I trust you to respond to me as a person you respect and care about?” Make no mistake, leaders must care about the people who work for and with them.

Lately, what’s brought home the danger of not being fully present for me has been watching parents and children. I’ve noticed a lot of children staring off into space while a parent talks on the phone, reads a book, or plays a game. It breaks my heart. A charming child who makes bids for interaction with an adult is ignored. What conclusions is the child making about the parent? It is an accumulation of moments that leads to a certain outcome, so I’m not saying that we need to focus every moment on our children. However, if we are physically present with a child or adult and pay attention to something besides him or her, we are saying that the person is not as important as what we are doing.

We combat the challenge of indifference by being fully present in each moment when we are with others. We pay attention to them, to what they are saying, to their emotions, to their body language, and to their message. We show them that they are worthy of our time and attention, and in that moment, we are focused on them.

I heard the retired CEO of Campbell Soup Company, Douglas Conant, talk about his book TouchPoints: Creating Powerful Leadership Connections in the Smallest of Moments. He said that he used to view interruptions by his employees as annoying intrusions. He felt like he couldn’t walk down the hall without being pestered to pieces. Then he made a mindset shift and looked at each one of those moments as an opportunity to reinforce company values and provide encouragement. In other words, each interaction was a sliding-door moment, and he got to choose how to act and react. Conant advocates for pausing and being fully present instead of hurriedly brushing the person off.

Seriously, wouldn’t the world be a great place if we inhabited each moment and turned towards the people around us? In her work on increasing positivity, Barbara Fredrickson found that micro-moments of positivity with complete strangers can increase our own feelings of positivity. We get something out of paying attention to others! I’ve had some great and brief conversations while waiting in line at the grocery store when I’ve chosen to look at the people around me instead of at my phone.

Psychological safety, trust, and positivity are things we create one moment at time, but only if we intentionally choose to fully inhabit those moments and give the gift of our time and attention to others when it is asked for.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Final Words of Wisdom: Finish Strong

19 Tuesday Dec 2017

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Uncategorized, Words of Wisdom

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If I was going to tell my granddaughter one essential quality that helps create success in life, I would say it’s the ability to see a job through to the end. It’s difficult, and it takes some self-discipline. For example, when we finish a project in the house, we want to be done and move on. We don’t want to clean up the area and put all the tools away. However, it’s important that we develop the self-discipline to see every task or goal to its completion.

Successful leaders are finishers. In fact, great leaders finish strong. One of the key pieces to finishing strong is starting tasks that are worthwhile and in alignment with your short- and long-term goals. One of my goals is to maintain an organized home and work environment, which means I focus on putting away files and keeping things in their places. For work, I have a marketing schedule, a weekly blog, coaching clients, and classes. Each area requires a set of tasks, and the tasks must be completed for the actions to have an impact.

A lot of worthwhile activities are not that much fun. Scheduling social media posts is not my favorite thing to do, but it leads to more clients and more coaching, which I love. I keep the end goal in mind while I’m working.

Self-discipline is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. It’s hard in the beginning to see a project through to the very end. However, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Employers and employees value the ability to finish strong. Family members are also fans of project follow-through. The ability to finish strong can have an enormously positive effect on work and home life.

If we don’t finish, we’ve wasted the time that we invested. We’ve also damaged our confidence and invited negative self-talk.

A good practice for finishing strong is doing the laundry from beginning to end. That may sound like a silly challenge, but I’ve learned through leadership workshops that almost everyone struggles with getting clothes clean and put away. Most of us end up with loads of laundry hanging out in the dryer or piled on a flat surface. Make the commitment to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer quickly, and then get the clothes out when they are dry. The hard part is folding them and putting them away – right away!

We are building self-discipline and confidence when we finish what we begin. Those are definitely qualities that I want for my granddaughter –  and you.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Motivating Self and Others: Influence the Rider, Elephant, and Path

14 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Motivation, Uncategorized

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The Rider/Elephant/Path model comes from a book by Dan and Chip Heath called Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard. It is one of the simplest and most useful models for successful change. It is also a useful motivation model.

The logical Rider and the emotional Elephant represent your head and heart. Both must believe the action or task is worth the effort. We must ensure that the action is logical and that it speaks to your heart. Lastly, we want to create a structure to keep yourself on track; the structure is our Path. We create the Path by finding ways to hold ourselves accountable for the action. Let’s go over each part.

Rider. First, we want to convince the logical Rider that this action or task makes sense. We want to do research, listen to experts, and ask others how they handled a similar situation. Our logical Rider must believe that the way we are heading makes sense.

Let’s look at an example. With coaching clients, exercise is often the action that they want to do but can’t seem to stay motivated to do. We start by reminding our logical Rider about the benefits of consistent exercise. We will be stronger, fitter, and healthier. We will have more stamina, more energy, and a more positive outlook on life. There are a lot of logical reasons to exercise regularly!

Elephant. Second, we must motivate our emotional Elephant. The Elephant is not moved by logic; it follows its heart. Your deepest heartfelt motivation will be the reason that your Elephant agrees to move along the path.

Finding the vision that motivates our hearts can take some digging. We talked about one technique here: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2015/01/19/goals-big-why-and-little-hows. We ask ourselves why we want to do this task over and over until we find a reason that really makes our hearts sing.

In the exercise example, I might say that I want to exercise to stay fit. “Why?” I ask myself. “Because I will have more energy and stamina,” I answer. Then I ask myself, “Why do you want more energy and stamina?” My bottom line answer that sings to my heart is that I want enough strength and energy to keep up with my family and swing my granddaughter around. The ability to spend quality time with my family walking and doing useful tasks is my emotional motivation.

As a matter of fact, I recently helped my oldest son and his family move from VA to NJ. In preparation, I worked up to walking two miles a day. (Remember, I have platinum coils in my brain, and two miles is a good goal for me.) I got up every morning and walked. I also did some abdominal exercises so that my back would be less likely to go out. (Remember, I am old!) Every time I wanted to slack off, I reminded myself that my family was depending on me, and I wanted to be a part of the activity. When done together, hard jobs can strengthen relationships and create memories that are funny in retrospect. All things that my heart wanted.

Keep in mind that the small Rider cannot force the Elephant to go a certain direction. We cannot be motivated by logic alone. We must feel in our hearts that the change is worth the effort.

Path. Lastly, we want to create a structure for our Path. We want to clearly mark the Path and maybe put some walls on each side to help our Rider and Elephant stay on it. Accountability partners and coaches are excellent examples of how to create a clear path for the Rider and Elephant to follow.

In my exercise example, a walking buddy would help me stay on the Path. A calendar with stickers offers a little structure. Publicly stating goals and progress is an excellent way to create walls to keep us on the Path.

If we can’t find reasons for our actions that resonate with our brains and hearts, maybe we need to rethink the goal. We can only use our self-discipline to force ourselves forward for so long. It’s an exhausting way to live.

However, we can stay motivated if we can find ways to get our brains and hearts engaged and supportive of our actions. We help all parts of ourselves to stay motivated when we create a clear path that uses accountability and consequences to keep us on track. The Rider/Elephant/Path model is an easy way to create success.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Motivating Self and Others: What Motivates Us?

07 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in Leadership, Motivation, Uncategorized

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There are almost as many theories of what motivates us humans as there are stars in the sky. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. However, look at the Wikipedia article on Motivation to get a small glimpse into the world of motivation theories.

I’ve read a bunch of them, and I find few of them memorable or useful. I think David McClelland’s popular theory is a little disheartening. He states that we are motivated by a need for power, affiliation, and achievement. Those don’t feel motivating to me, but maybe I am not in touch with my inner power-hungry self.

The theory that I like best is Dan Pink’s in the book Drive. He states that we can foster intrinsic motivation through autonomy, mastery, and purpose. These are simple and make sense to me.

Let’s start with autonomy. We all like to do things our own way. I use a cool demonstration with a dog leash to illustrate how much more we struggle against authority when the leash is short and we aren’t given a lot of freedom. It’s not any fun to follow someone else’s procedure to the letter.

I, for one, like to be able to show some creativity that plays to my own strengths and interests. Otherwise, I feel like a robot. Henry Ford did not understand this concept. He asked, “Why is it every time I ask for a pair of hands, they come with a brain attached?” Not. Interested. If you want to motivate me, you let me engage my brain and my hands.

I totally get mastery. When I take on a new task or action, I will do it over and over again until I have mastered it. The rhesus monkeys in Harlow’s experiment that we discussed last week are a good example. I still have the wooden Soma cube that I spent hours figuring out as a child. Every now and then, I will pull it apart and put it back together just because I can and want to. I have mastered it, and it feels good to solve it.

The final piece is purpose. It’s a big one! We started out the year setting goals and finding our Big Why as described by Simon Sinek in his book Start with Why. I have published a blog every week this year because I have a sense of purpose in creating and completing them. My granddaughter is one year old. I will be long gone before she is old enough to be interested in the concepts that I teach and discuss.

That thought saddens me because I know how useful leadership concepts are in creating positive relationships and a successful and peace-filled life. I desperately want her to have this information. The only way I see it happening is if I take everything that is in my head and put it on paper. This year is a sort of love letter to my granddaughter, any future grandchildren, and to you! It feels like a legacy – which is very motivating.

When trying to get someone else to do something, it’s a good idea to create autonomy, mastery, and purpose for the person doing the task or action. What can you do to give someone more control over the task? Does the thing have to be done a certain way, or is there some wiggle room for the person to do it his or her own way? Does the person have the opportunity to master the task? Is the purpose of the task clear to the person performing it? We can help others by creating Pink’s three conditions as often and as much as possible.

It’s also worth using Pink’s three motivating conditions to evaluate our own lives. Can you use one or more of them to motivate yourself? If you aren’t motivated to do something, why are you doing it? I don’t mean that in a “you should stop doing it” sense, although that could be the answer. However, many times we must get through something hard to reach an ultimate goal. We can find ways to motivate ourselves using autonomy, mastery, and purpose. Purpose is always the ultimate motivator for me. If I can find a way that an action helps me to achieve my goals, then I can power through it.

We can make life easier if we are willing to create a motivating environment by fostering autonomy, mastery, and purpose for ourselves and others.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Summer Fun: Challenging Fun

25 Tuesday Jul 2017

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A lot of what we do for fun includes a challenge – both doing and watching one. Think about a sports matchup: A group of people are yelling and having fun while watching other people trying to win.

There are lots of ways to have some fun by creating and achieving a goal. Finding new recipes and cooking them successfully is a challenge that many people like. Playing board games is also a challenge. Solving puzzles, visiting as many state parks as possible, and collecting coins are all fun challenges.

Libraries caught on to the fact that kids like a good challenge and instituted summer reading programs ages ago. For reading a certain number of books, you usually get a prize! If you, as an adult, are feeling left out of the book reading challenge, here is a link to a scratch-off poster of classic literature: https://www.popchartlab.com/collections/best-sellers/products/100-essential-novels-scratch-off-chart

I like building things. The picture above is a garden cart that I assembled; it took me most of one morning. I also love putting together furniture from IKEA! My son and I had a fun afternoon assembling a bed. My sister, on the other hand, can’t abide having to figure out the assembly directions.

The key is to find a challenge that resonates with you. It could be sewing a dress or refurbishing a car. You could prepare to run a marathon or to walk a mile. Collecting Pokemon with the app or as cards is a popular challenge for people of all ages.

There are two parts to creating a fun goal and achieving it. First is the process. If you enjoy the action, the doing is enjoyable. Then there is the satisfaction that you feel after accomplishing a goal that you worked hard to reach. For example, I enjoy unraveling the mystery of assembly directions, manually putting something together, and  admiring my handiwork. It’s a series of enjoyment.

The possibilities are limitless! Perhaps a perfect cannonball is in my future. For an adventurous bit of summer fun, pick a challenge and go for it!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Pulling It All Together

27 Tuesday Jun 2017

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Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability
  8. Your Choice

 Yay! We’ve talked about all seven pillars of Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model. In the beginning, we discussed the fact that fewer than 20% of Americans are satisfied with life and functioning well. Many of us are getting by, but we aren’t truly flourishing. When we look at the model, it’s easy to see why – many of the pillars are challenging. I myself would say that I am not doing great in several areas.

The first step in moving forward is to figure out where we are now. We can use Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model Wheel to get a snapshot of our lives in relation to the pillars. You can download a blank copy of the Wheel from my website; it’s under the “Free Stuff” tab.

First, we want to rate each pillar on the Wheel on a scale of 0 to 10.

10—You couldn’t be more satisfied with where you are at this point in your life. You are right on track.

5—It’s OK, but there are some changes that you could make here and feel more satisfied.

0—There is no fulfillment in this area. You would be much happier if everything about this category was different.

Then we mark our ratings on the Wheel.  If we write down a 10 for a category, we make a line along the outer edge of the circle. If we write down a 5 in a category, we make a line across the piece about halfway between the outer edge of the circle and the center. If we have a 0 in a category, we draw a small line right by the center point where all the pieces meet.

Kathy Bloom and Flourish Wheel filled in

Here is my current Wheel. I feel pretty good about the Peaceful Base pillar. There are always things to simplify and organize, but I’m happy with my Peaceful Base, so I ranked it a 9. My Physical Health isn’t great compared to people who haven’t had brain surgery, but I feel I’m as healthy as I can be, so that pillar also gets a 9. I very much like what I do and create, so Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning also gets a 9.

I have not been consistent in my meditation lately, and I’m feeling a bit negative, so the Positivity Spiral gets a rank of 6. I discussed my failings around creating a local community, so Positive Relationships gets a 5, but I’m already working on that one! I am not as conversant with God as I would like, so I will rate my Spiritual Connectedness at 8. I feel that I do not earn what I could and don’t manage my money as wisely as I could, so I rate the Financial Stability pillar a 7.

I’m sure that you noticed that there are eight pieces on the Wheel and only seven pillars. That last blank piece is one that you fill in. Is there something that you need to bloom and flourish that isn’t covered under the other pillars? Cheryl Richardson, a nationally-known life coach, often writes about her requirement for beauty and nature in her life. Do you need to be surrounded by beautiful things? Then you could label the last pillar “Beauty.” Do you crave being in nature? If so, you make your final pillar “Nature.” If you need both, your final pillar could be “Beauty and Nature.” It’s totally up to you!

I thought for a while about whether or not I needed something else that would be my final pillar. I realized that it is “Plants.” When the weather permits, I love to be outside doing things in the yard. I also like lots of plants in the house. Looking at green plants and colorful flowers has a relaxing effect on me. When I am not surrounded by plants, I am not in the same peaceful state that I’m in when I can see live, growing greenery and flowers. I’ve got quite a few plants inside and out that I love, so I rate my own Plant pillar an 8.

You get to decide whether or not you want an additional pillar. Most hobbies and creations fit in the Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning pillar, but it’s your Wheel, and you can put whatever you want on it. If you feel you must paint, draw, or sculpt and believe those need separate recognition, go for it!

In the beginning of this series, I said that, like all worthwhile achievements, creating a life of meaning and satisfaction would require work. It does! If we just let ourselves be blown around by life’s events, we are like a leaf in the wind; we don’t have control over where we go, and we can get pretty beat up.

We want to be a sailboat that uses the winds in our lives to move in the direction we want to go. There is a goals and commitments page included with the Wheel that you can download. There you can write out specific things that you want to accomplish for each pillar. Using Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model helps you to create the foundation that you need to launch out into the world and stay on course to create a life that you love living.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. You can go further faster with a great coach!

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Financial Stability

19 Monday Jun 2017

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Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

Finance is not my area of expertise, and I won’t be making any investment recommendations. The key piece of this pillar is to live within your means so that you don’t spend emotional energy on worrying about money and bills.

I know, that’s easier said than done. Housing costs alone are enough to make a person crazy! Someone making $16 an hour and working full-time makes $2,560 a month before taxes. No one can live on their own without a roommate or help on that much money.

My first suggestion is to create a useful mindset around money. It’s a tool. We sometimes give it a lot of emotional power and think of money as the enemy. There are lots of resources out there to help you change your feelings about money. My parents fought about money all the time, and as a result, I had terribly negative feelings about money for much of my life. That mindset did not serve me. It is a subject that I still don’t embrace, but I’m better about it than I used to be. Once you have a healthy emotional relationship with money, it’s easier to realize that you control it, not the other way around.

Second, wave around the Magic Wand of Destiny and use a budget to gain control. Take a hard look and what comes in and what goes out. Then, make intentional choices based on what’s most important to you.

 Third, get creative. The tiny house movement is a great example of people thinking outside the box. I’m a fan of Tiny House Nation, a show about people building customized tiny houses to live in. The most common reason that people give for going tiny is financial freedom. They want to own a home and still have enough money to travel – and eat!

My final suggestion is hard-won wisdom: stay self-sufficient by keeping your hand in the workforce and creating a credit history. Creating a credit history isn’t too difficult. Even when I was a stay-at-home mom, I put the utilities in my name and had a credit card. Those two things helped me to create a good credit history. I didn’t do as well at maintaining a career.

I always believed that I would easily jump back into the workforce after staying home with my children. Times change, and so did our economy. In my late 50s, I am faced with the stark realization that I am not fully self-sufficient. It’s maddening and frustrating.

Keep in mind that we don’t need a ton of money to have financial stability. The goal is to minimize our worry and stress around money so that we can truly bloom and flourish in all areas of our lives. I’m not stressed about money — just taking positive action toward more financial stability. I am thinking that I might like living in a tiny house!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 (Two-Minute) Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning

30 Tuesday May 2017

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Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

To bloom and flourish, we want to spend as much of our time as possible doing things that create flow for us. “Flow” is a term defined by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, and you are in flow when you are doing something and lose your sense of time. You are so engrossed in this activity that you don’t think about anything else.

Activities that create a sense of flow generally have three components. First, you are good at the activity; you have the necessary skills to accomplish the task. Second, the task has meaning for you; it’s in alignment with your values, priorities, and goals. Lastly, you enjoy the activity; it is a challenge that you want to accomplish. Flow activities are in the sweet spot of the diagram below.

Flow Venn Diagram

It’s important to be able to identify the characteristics of each circle. If you are unsure of what you are good at or what you like to do, revisit my March blogs on uncovering your authentic self. At the end of that series, we could each list these things about ourselves:

  1. Things I enjoy doing
  2. Things I do not like to do
  3. My superpowers
  4. Characteristics I want to minimize
  5. Values my ideal self holds dear
  6. My ideal self’s priorities right now
  7. Beliefs that support my ideal self
  8. Beliefs that I hold now for which my ideal self has no use
  9. Possible careers/jobs that my ideal self would love

If you haven’t caught on yet, all of the pillars of Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model require some effort to achieve. Almost everything worth having requires some work. Finding your flow activities is no different. Even knowing the things in the list above, it’s going to take some trial and error.

Our ideal situation looks like this:

Flow one arrow

 

 

For the most part we intentionally spend our time on fun challenges that have meaning for us and that we have the required skills to achieve.

 

 

 

However, this is what represents most of our lives:

Flow scattered arrows

We are scattered and without purpose.

If you are like most people, you aren’t 100% sure of the things that put you in flow, and you don’t spend your time intentionally. However, we want to be in flow as much as we can be.

Csikszentmihalyi discovered this about participants in his studies: “When challenges and skills were both high, they felt happiness, more cheerful, stronger, more active; they concentrated more; they felt more creative and satisfied.” Wow! I want more of that!

The key is to be willing to experiment. I don’t think we go from scattered to focused in one fell swoop. It’s more of progression that looks like this:

Flow arrow transition complete

We learn the types of activities that create flow, and we incorporate more of those into our lives. For example, I might find that scrapbooking is completely engrossing for me. It challenges my creativity and drawing skills in a fun way. Leaving a legacy of family fun that is beautiful to look at has meaning for me. I won’t know if I like scrapbooking, making kombucha, writing short stories, or building a shed until I try.

Now, there is no need to try things that sound like an awful idea to you. In fact, we want to get rid of as many activities as possible that we don’t want to do. Of course, the laundry and dishes will always be there. If you like doing laundry and dishes, that’s great! If you don’t, know that our goal is to be as intentional with our time as we can. We want to decline to do activities like being treasurer for the scout troop if they don’t appeal to us. We want to set healthy boundaries and say yes only to things that move us forward and create flow.

A part of creating flow is our mindset. Csikszentmihalyi made some fascinating discoveries during his research. Participants wore a beeper that went off at random times. When it beeped, the participants immediately wrote down what they were doing and how they felt about it.

People were in flow more often at work; they were absorbed in what they were doing, and their skills matched the challenge. However, even though they were in a state that makes people feel happy, cheerful, and strong, they said that they’d rather be doing something else. We have a negativity bias towards things that we do at work even if they are things that we like to do!

I can only guess as to why this is true. In general, we have a societal attitude towards work that is not great. Many times that negative attitude has been earned by businesses and organizations. However, we are only hurting ourselves if we don’t embrace and fully enjoy the moments at work when we are in flow.

Csikszentmihalyi’s other interesting finding is that although we say we prefer leisure time, we don’t actually do much with our leisure time that creates flow. People with hobbies are the exception. Building model train layouts, knitting, and working with wood can all create a sense of flow and accomplishment.

Here’s a summary of how to strengthen the pillar of Flow/Meaning/Accomplishment in Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model:

  1. Know yourself, your superpowers, your likes, your dislikes, and what actions have meaning for you.
  2. Experiment. Try different things! If you aren’t sure if you’d like to do something, give it a shot!
  3. Say no to things that don’t move you forward or create a sense of flow. It’s okay to set healthy boundaries. When you say yes to something that doesn’t interest you, you are saying no to something that would. Time is a limited resource.
  4. Create a more positive mindset about moments of flow at work so that you can reap the benefits of happiness and strength.
  5. Intentionally create moments of flow during your leisure time. We all love a fun challenge and the sense of accomplishment that we get when we are done.

Life is a journey! Along the way we want to create more of what we want and less of what we don’t want. It takes some intentional choice and action, but it is totally worth it.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Resilience: Why Not Stay Inside and Wait Out the Storm?

25 Tuesday Apr 2017

Posted by in Leadership, Resilience, Uncategorized

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flower bud in the rain

April Series: Resilience

Why Not Stay Inside and Wait Out the Storm?

We can’t completely avoid the change or adversity that storms into our lives, but there is a temptation to ignore the emotions that come along with it. Feeling disappointment, sadness, and loss is awful! Why would we want to do that?

While painful in the beginning, dealing with our emotions helps us in the long run. We maintain a healthy emotional life by naming our emotions, accepting them, and then releasing them. If we stuff or ignore our emotions, they become like small annoying insects that keep buzzing in our ears for the rest of our lives.

One of the most profound things I learned in my coach training is that the things that we can’t be with run our lives. If we can’t be with anger, then we avoid all situations that might make us or someone else angry. Think about the effects if we avoid disappointing people at all costs! If we can’t be with confrontation, we constantly put up with things that we don’t want to endure because we don’t want to start a fight. We want to use our coping mechanisms and face the situation and our emotions. We must walk through it now or avoid it forever.

Although our initial impulse may be to avoid uncomfortable emotions, they are not all bad. Discomfort is a powerful motivator and can lead to positive achievement if we maintain a positive mental state. Remember, how we view the situation makes all the difference.

There is an interesting TED Talk by Kelly McGonigal. She researches stress, and she discovered that stress doesn’t kill us – the belief that stress kills us is what kills us. Our perspectives have a tremendous effect on our bodies! That is important to keep in mind before, during, and after challenging times. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcGyVTAoXEU&t=34s

In the video, McGonigal also talks about the hormones that our bodies release when we feel stressed. One of them is oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone” because it also releases when we touch other people. Oxytocin makes us want to interact and bond with others. So, when we are stressed, our bodies help us by encouraging us to reach out to other people.

Remember my learning at the Military Child Education Coalition workshop: that which does not kill us makes us stronger – as long as we have hope and support. We get both of those things when we reach out to others.

Finally, keep in mind that each time we overcome a challenge, we become more resilient. As we face adversity, change, and the emotions that come along with them, we build confidence. When the next challenge comes along, we can think to ourselves, “I’ve done this (or worse) before, and I can do it again.”

Creating a resilient life and using positive coping mechanisms greatly increase your chance of not only surviving adversity and change, but also thriving. Every storm that we weather makes us more confident that we can successfully face the next one. We create a spiral of success that carries us easily through life’s storms. If we stay inside, we miss the rain – and an opportunity for growth.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Who Am I?

14 Tuesday Mar 2017

Posted by in Leadership, Uncategorized, Uncovering Your Authentic Self

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March Series: Uncovering Your Authentic Self

Who Am I?

Last week we talked about the foundation of who we are: values, priorities, experiences, and beliefs. (https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/define-your-frame-of-reference/) This week, let’s dig a little deeper.

Back when I was trying to figure out who I was and what I liked, I wasn’t getting much information from me. I just seemed to be a big empty vessel with no answers. So, I decided to look outwards.

I did the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) as part of my facilitation training. According to the MBTI, I am an INTJ. This means that I get my energy from being alone; I am a big-picture thinker; fairness and consistency are important to me; and I like to make lists and check things off the lists. There are a bunch of books about MBTI personality types with descriptions, and I read through a lot of them.

For the most part, I agreed with the descriptions about me and the books’ assessments of what I probably liked to do. I would photocopy pages and mark off the things that I didn’t agree with in the assessment. It was easier for me to say yes or no to things rather than make them up myself.

After the MBTI, I went on to the Enneagram. There are nine types, and if you really get into it, you’ll uncover extra wings. I am an 8. Here is brief description from the Enneagram Institute:

“Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their best: self- mastering, they use their strength to improve others’ lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.”

Cool. I can get behind most of that. I especially like the goal of becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.

Then, I tried the DISC. I’m a D – Dominant. Hmmm. There seems to be a theme here. However, before I started correlating the information, I did one more – my astrological sign.

I’m an Aries (the Ram). Here’s a description:

“You love to be the one who thinks up the bright ideas and has other people carry them out. Not only the most competitive of the Zodiac, you are also the first sign and love to be first at whatever you do. You thrive when you’re on top of your game. Happy with a challenge and ambitious, you have the courage it takes to be a leader in your field. Tempering your fiery attitude with patience is the test of the can-do Aries. Knowing when to move on and when to follow through requires careful thought and planning for ultimate success. No doubt, you can be a winner all the way!”

By now, I’m beginning to understand why my mother described me as “bossy” in elementary school. She meant that I had leadership potential!

Leading is one of my superpowers. We all have superpowers! Think of things that you can do faster and more easily than other people. Those are your superpowers. It took me years to figure out that writing and publishing newsletters is one of my superpowers. I created newsletters for various groups through the years, but it wasn’t until I saw the time and effort that it took other people to do the same task that I realized that I’m good and fast at newsletters.

I have friends whose superpower is to nurture others through cooking and food. That is not one of my superpowers. Others can pull colors together in their home and wardrobe, which is also not one of my superpowers. Some people have a knack for details and numbers. I love those people! They fill a skill gap for me.

If you have trouble naming your superpowers, then think about the things that others ask you to do. Better yet, ask people who know you what they think your superpowers are. Through feedback, I learned that I’m good at taking complex ideas and making them easy to understand. I don’t think I would’ve figured out that one on my own.

There is an assessment on my website that you can begin this week. It’s the Wheel of Life. The first two pages help you to get a snapshot of who you are now and how satisfied you are with various categories of life. The third page is about goals regarding where you want to go and who you want to be. That’s the topic for next week!

Have fun finding out who you are! There are a lot of free personality assessments online. Don’t take any assessment results too seriously. Remember, you are the expert on you and you get to decide what applies and what does not. You can print the things that you like and put them in a folder or binder. I have a binder labeled “Kathy.” I look back through it now and then when I’m feeling a little lost or not in the flow of things. Having it all in one place makes it easier to find yourself in the future.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.