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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Tag Archives: #resilience #AprilShowers #adversity #emotionalcharge #awareness

Resilience: Making Yourself Resilient Before It Rains

14 Tuesday Apr 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Resilience, Uncategorized

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#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #resilience #AprilShowers #adversity #emotionalcharge #awareness

resilience community

It’s hard to be resilient if you feel like you are constantly being bombarded by life’s events. A good way to create resilience is to create as calm a life as possible before we are caught in a downpour. I know, easier said than done, but we can create more order and peace than we have now.

A good measure of a calm life is Emotional Pennies. We only have so much of ourselves to give each day. Think of the emotional energy that you spend as Emotional Pennies. Imagine that you start each day with 100 Emotional Pennies. You can’t carry any over to the next day and the goal is to end up with as many Emotional Pennies as possible at the end of each day. The more pennies you have at the end of the day, the more energy you will have to enjoy your evenings and get a few things done.

Some common things that we spend emotional energy on are work, family, health, other people’s problems, spirituality, friends, and things over which we have no control. Your list may not have all these items, and it probably has quite a few more. Which of these are wise investments, and which are wastes of our Emotional Pennies? As a general rule, we want to avoid any situation that constantly drains our emotional energy with no hope of the situation improving or resolving.

A good test question to ask is “If I face this situation and invest some emotional energy into it, can I resolve it so I never have to put another Emotional Penny into it again?” It’s worth a try if you think you can improve things. If it turns out that you can’t, do everything possible to remove yourself from all Emotional Penny-sucking black holes.

When I coach people, the common black holes for Emotional Pennies are a lack of organization and routines, negative people, and a negative attitude. You may have different things that use emotional energy; the key is to identify and eliminate those things.

Count up how many Emotional Pennies you spend each day for a week. When I did this exercise for the first time, I was surprised to learn that I had spent all 100 Emotional Pennies on my son’s school before lunch most days. I spent some extra Emotional Pennies trying to fix the situation, but in the end, I decided to homeschool him for that year.

In addition to eliminating things that unnecessarily drain our emotional energy, we want to build some positive things in our lives to help us be resilient. One of the most important things to create is a community that we can depend on.

In general, I have done a terrible job of doing this. Thank goodness my sister and a few good friends were willing to jump in and help when I had brain surgery while my husband was deployed to Afghanistan. You never know what rainstorm is going to fall on your head, and it’s an absolute necessity to have a community of family and friends who are ready to support you.

I did some training for the Military Child Education Coalition (MCEC). A group of facilitators would go in and talk with community representatives about how to help military children who face quite a bit of adversity. My big takeaway from that training and the research of Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg is that to make it through adversity, children need support and hope. That’s what adults need, too.

We get our support from our community, and a big portion of our hope comes from it, as well. It’s important to have people around who tell us that it’s going to be okay at a time when we aren’t so sure about that ourselves. Hope requires a big picture perspective that is difficult to get on our own when we are mired in emotional turmoil.

We can also foster hope by creating a positive attitude. A positive attitude is something that we can choose and create. A great beginning is to notice the good things that happen each day. We are hardwired to notice and hang on to the negative events of life, so it’s important to intentionally notice the positive things.

In addition to noticing, put a positive emotion to the event. Here is a list of positive emotions from Dr. Barbara Frederickson: awe, interest, inspiration, serenity, amusement, gratitude, pride, joy, hope, and love.  Noticing and naming positive emotions is the first important step to creating a positive attitude and outlook. Research shows that an increase in positivity results in an increase in resilience.

Here’s a summary of what to do to create a life that makes you more resilient:

1. Get rid of unnecessary energy drains in your life. Getting organized can be a huge help.

2. Gather a community to support you. It can be family, friends, and your spiritual community.

3. Create a positive attitude. Begin by noticing the positive events each day and naming the positive emotions they evoke.

Resilience is a trait that we can cultivate, and creating a peaceful life is the first step because it gives us a firm foundation to stand on when adversity and change threaten to wash away the ground beneath our feet.

Note: I’m re-running this series on resilience that I wrote back in 2017. Life isn’t normal right now, but we can still check in on our Emotional Penny use. I find myself spending Emotional Pennies trying to maintain the same standards that I do during normal times. I keep reminding myself that we are in the middle of a pandemic, and it’s okay to relax my standards a bit. I’ve lowered the bar in all facets of life and feel less stressed for it.

 What are you spending Emotional Pennies on that you could let go of during this time of enormous stress and uncertainty?

We can still have community by phone and video. If you reach out and don’t get the response that you need, consider a therapist, coach, or counselor. Many are meeting clients virtually now.

 A positive attitude can go a long way – even during a pandemic. Noticing the small moments and naming the positive emotions that you feel can create huge shifts in difficult times.

Resilience: Why Not Stay Inside and Wait Out the Storm?

25 Tuesday Apr 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Resilience, Uncategorized

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#confidence, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #personalgrowth, #perspective, #resilience #AprilShowers #adversity #emotionalcharge #awareness, #stress, PositiveEffectLeadership

flower bud in the rain

April Series: Resilience

Why Not Stay Inside and Wait Out the Storm?

We can’t completely avoid the change or adversity that storms into our lives, but there is a temptation to ignore the emotions that come along with it. Feeling disappointment, sadness, and loss is awful! Why would we want to do that?

While painful in the beginning, dealing with our emotions helps us in the long run. We maintain a healthy emotional life by naming our emotions, accepting them, and then releasing them. If we stuff or ignore our emotions, they become like small annoying insects that keep buzzing in our ears for the rest of our lives.

One of the most profound things I learned in my coach training is that the things that we can’t be with run our lives. If we can’t be with anger, then we avoid all situations that might make us or someone else angry. Think about the effects if we avoid disappointing people at all costs! If we can’t be with confrontation, we constantly put up with things that we don’t want to endure because we don’t want to start a fight. We want to use our coping mechanisms and face the situation and our emotions. We must walk through it now or avoid it forever.

Although our initial impulse may be to avoid uncomfortable emotions, they are not all bad. Discomfort is a powerful motivator and can lead to positive achievement if we maintain a positive mental state. Remember, how we view the situation makes all the difference.

There is an interesting TED Talk by Kelly McGonigal. She researches stress, and she discovered that stress doesn’t kill us – the belief that stress kills us is what kills us. Our perspectives have a tremendous effect on our bodies! That is important to keep in mind before, during, and after challenging times. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcGyVTAoXEU&t=34s

In the video, McGonigal also talks about the hormones that our bodies release when we feel stressed. One of them is oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone” because it also releases when we touch other people. Oxytocin makes us want to interact and bond with others. So, when we are stressed, our bodies help us by encouraging us to reach out to other people.

Remember my learning at the Military Child Education Coalition workshop: that which does not kill us makes us stronger – as long as we have hope and support. We get both of those things when we reach out to others.

Finally, keep in mind that each time we overcome a challenge, we become more resilient. As we face adversity, change, and the emotions that come along with them, we build confidence. When the next challenge comes along, we can think to ourselves, “I’ve done this (or worse) before, and I can do it again.”

Creating a resilient life and using positive coping mechanisms greatly increase your chance of not only surviving adversity and change, but also thriving. Every storm that we weather makes us more confident that we can successfully face the next one. We create a spiral of success that carries us easily through life’s storms. If we stay inside, we miss the rain – and an opportunity for growth.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

What Is Resilience?

04 Tuesday Apr 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Resilience, Uncategorized

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#resilience #AprilShowers #adversity #emotionalcharge #awareness

April Series: Resilience

April showers bring May flowers! Sometimes, it’s more than a little rain; it’s a deluge! This month, we are going to talk about how to survive and bounce back from adversity. We will talk about how to create a foundation that will make us more resilient, and we also will discuss some coping mechanisms that will help us when we are caught in the middle of a downpour.

resilience intro

What Is Resilience?

Resilience is the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. It’s our capacity to bounce back when we are hit with adversity and change.

Resilience is different from grit, which is a concept that’s become popular lately. Grit is perseverance, the ability to stick with something over a long period of time. It’s an admirable quality, but not what we are going to discuss right now.

We are going to talk about how to get through the April showers of our lives so that we can go on to bloom and flourish.

When facing adversity, we are often told, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” That cliché is not true.  Without some coping mechanisms and a firm foundation, a trauma can indeed damage us. We don’t come out stronger. We come out weaker and broken.

However, there are things that we can do to make ourselves more resilient. We can learn and practice methods that will make us stronger. We will talk about creating a life that fosters resilience, and we also will discuss coping mechanisms to use in the middle of a change or crisis.

Much of our resilience is determined by how we interpret the events that occur in our lives. Becoming aware of the emotional charge that we unnecessarily attach to events is the first step to becoming more resilient. It is a mental shift, and it can be life changing.

Here is how our thought process works:

Event > Appraisal > Urge to Act > Action

First, we think about an event that is happening or that could happen. Then, we appraise that situation or event, and we decide if it’s good, bad, exhilarating, scary, or calming. Once we appraise the event and attach an emotion to it, we have an urge to act. If we are angry, we might want to yell. If we are sad, we might want to cry. The emotion and the urge to act are tied closely and happen very quickly. Sometimes, the action follows before we stop to consider the consequences.

The event is just an event. It isn’t inherently good or bad. For example, public speaking isn’t inherently scary or fun, but people attach those emotions to it. Isn’t it fascinating that one event can be appraised so differently? It’s important to remember that public speaking is just talking in front of people, and the emotional charge is something we add to it.

We can get rid of a lot of stress if we can neutralize the emotional charge that we attach to things. For example, let’s say that someone pulls out in front of me on the highway. It’s just an event – not good or bad. I get to appraise that event. I can get angry at the person’s carelessness, or I can accept that we all pull out in front of someone sometimes. It’s just a part of driving.

I get to decide whether or not to charge the event by attaching a strong negative emotion to it. Stress isn’t caused by an event; stress is caused by our reaction to an event.

Sometimes, all it takes to get rid of an emotional charge is to notice that we are feeling a strong negative emotion; name it; observe where we feel it in our bodies; and then take a deep breath. Observing ourselves re-engages our neocortex and gives us a chance to respond intentionally instead of as an immediate reaction to a feeling.

The awareness of our reaction to an event and the subsequent intentional choice of how to view the event is the first step to becoming more resilient. For example, the loss of a job can be scary and overwhelming. It will lead to some tough times and decisions. The loss of a job is also an opportunity to create a new life, perhaps in a new place. We determine whether our situation is a hopeless crisis, a grand adventure, or something in between. The important thing to remember is we get to choose.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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