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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: July 2018

Is that a fact?

31 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #levelsofconflict #fact

fact 600 px

 There are different kinds of disagreements. We can disagree on values, which often leads to agreeing to disagree.

Sometimes, we disagree about goals. We can come to an agreement, but it can be a lengthy, in-depth process because it often involves a discussion of priorities and strategy.

We can agree on the goal, but not the process to achieve the goal. If we are willing to give up some control, then this type of disagreement can be relatively easy to resolve.

However, the easiest type of conflict to resolve is one based on fact. The challenge is that we often carry on as if what we are discussing is opinion. In any disagreement, a good question to ask is “Is that a fact?”

For example, once I asked my son to take the new registration and put it in his car. He insisted that he had a current registration in his car. Rather than arguing with him about it, I said, “Ok, let’s go look at it and see.”

It’s important when using this technique to avoid a sarcastic tone of voice. Hear that statement said in a pleasant and neutral tone of voice.

If you are proved correct, it’s best not to make any sort of “I told you so” comment or do a victory dance. As leaders, we are always working to create and maintain positive relationships, so we want to be right and wrong with some grace.

When you find yourself in a disagreement, ask yourself, “Is that a fact?” Can the point of contention be proven in some way? If it can, offer to research the point. Often, the other person loses interest when the argument becomes about fact rather than persuasion.

 


For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

Frame of Reference

24 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#FrameofReference, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #learning

Frame of Reference yelow cropped

The information that we take in and the information that we send out must go through our Frame of Reference, and it’s important to know how this Frame  affects our view of the world. I picture everyone peering out at the world through their Frames of Reference. Our Frame of Reference is made up of four parts: values, priorities, experiences, and beliefs.

Let’s begin with values. Picture your own memorial service in your head. You’ve led a full and meaningful life with which you are satisfied. What three things are you sure that people will say about you? The list that you come up with is your values. For the most part, our values stay the same throughout our lives.

Priorities are the second part of our Frame of Reference. Priorities are a snapshot of what is important to us right now. Putting a priority at the bottom of the list doesn’t mean that it’s not important to you at all; it’s just not something you focus on right now. Priorities include things like family, career, faith, and health.

The third part of our Frame of Reference is experience. What we experience in our lives has a profound effect on how we view the world and experience life in the future. Over time, our experiences create our beliefs about ourselves and life in general.

Beliefs are the final part of our Frame of Reference. Many of them are the foundations of our lives – personal rules that we don’t realize exist. As adults, we get to examine our beliefs and decide if they are serving us well or not.

We can get rid of a lot of stress if we realize that the values, priorities, experiences, and beliefs of others are not identical to our own. Every person has a unique Frame of Reference that leads them to see things differently and make different decisions than the ones that we might make. We can accept that and know that different is not necessarily wrong – which makes life easier for everyone.

Our Frame of Reference creates the world in which we live. Intentionally examining and creating our Frame of Reference can make all the difference in the life that we experience. Usually, an initial discovery session with a coach will include an examination of your values, priorities, and beliefs, as well as the significant experiences that have influenced you. It feels great to get rid of limiting beliefs that are holding us back.


For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

Finding Your Challenge

17 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#findyourchallenge, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays

intrinsic motivation 600 px

Until about 1950, scientists believed that there were two types of motivation: biological and reward/punishment. Biological motivation is driven by our biological needs to eat, sleep, etc. Scientists believed that the only other way to motivate someone was to offer a reward or threaten a punishment.

In 1949, Harry Harlow was doing behavior experiments with rhesus monkeys. He planned to test the effectiveness of rewards and punishments while the monkeys solved a puzzle. Two weeks before the experiments started, he put the puzzles in with the monkeys so that they would get used to them.

A totally unexpected thing happened. Without rewards or fear of punishment, they solved the puzzles frequently and quickly. The researchers were stunned. Harlow called it intrinsic motivation.

Through coaching and interacting with others, I’ve concluded that we crave challenges. Just like the rhesus monkeys, we are intrinsically motivated to solve problems and overcome obstacles. Some of us hunt for bargains. Others train for marathons. A group of us create realistic landscapes for model trains. My mom did a bit of cursing now and then when she was creating beautiful quilts. Some people I coach put all of their emphasis on moving up the ladder at work and earning more money.

If you look around, people who are happy are leveraging their intrinsic motivation just like the rhesus monkeys did when they solved the puzzles. They’ve found something that they like to figure out or overcome. Finding out what we like to do is a wonderful exercise.

We could take on a physical challenge or learn to knit. Helping others in some way is also a satisfying challenge. It’s important not to get discouraged if we don’t find our own personal challenge right away. We can’t know that we like or don’t like to paint or draw until we try it.

I’ve seen coaching clients get discouraged when the challenge is so big that it feels overwhelming. It’s not that they don’t like doing the action, it’s just that they don’t know how to start or that their expectations for mastery are unrealistic. It’s important to remember that we all start a new skill as consciously incompetent and work our way up to consciously competent. It’s okay to be terrible in the beginning.

It’s also okay to give yourself permission to spend time doing something that you like. I have dabbled with drawing over the years, but I’ve told myself that I will draw after I’ve accomplished everything that needs to be done for the day. It’s no great revelation for me to tell you that things are never done for the day. There is always one more thing that I could do.

Lately, I’ve been setting aside time to draw. I send two drawings a week to my granddaughter. A two-year-old is the proper audience to truly appreciate my work. I’ve found that the time I spend immersed in choosing colors and drawing are rejuvenating. I am refreshed and ready to take on the next task on my to-do list.

It’s a great reminder that self-care is an important part of living a fulfilling life. Finding a satisfying challenge that gives a sense of accomplishment is definitely good self-care.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Leadership Simplified: Be Here and Be Kind

10 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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#KeepItSimple, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays

leadership simplified 600 px cropped

No topic grabbed me this week and said “Write about me!” So, I searched online for inspiration. I googled “leadership” and got a plethora of lists and how-tos. I even have my own comprehensive leadership list that you can read about here.

They all felt overwhelming and complicated. Charisma isn’t on my list, but it was on some of the others. How do you become charismatic? “Translate vision into reality” includes a bunch of moving pieces that I could list off the top of my head. I began to ponder, “What is one thing that everyone could do right away to become a better leader?”

The first thing that popped into my head was Be Present Now. I know, the “now” isn’t really necessary, but it’s a reminder to pay attention to the things and people that are with you now. And now. It’s an all-the-time thing.

One of the greatest gifts that you can give someone is your time and undivided attention. I have one friend who calls and then doesn’t listen to what I say. She is talking to baristas or unpacking her briefcase. Her mind is not on our conversation. It feels demeaning – like I am not important enough to deserve her undivided attention.

In workshops, when we discuss good and bad leadership qualities, someone always complains about a boss who won’t look up from a computer to have a conversation. I get the same complaint year after year. People want to be listened to, understood, and respected. When we aren’t present in the moment, we aren’t doing any of those things. We are not creating the positive relationships that are the hallmark of exceptional leadership.

We want to lead with personal influence rather than positional authority. People follow us when we are in the room when we use positional authority, but not so much when they can’t see us. When we cultivate personal influence by actively listening to people, we create positive relationships that motivate people even when we aren’t in the room.

So the one simple thing that everyone can do right now, both at work and at home, is to Be Present Now.

Now, if you asked me, “Kathy, what is just one other thing that I could do to become a better leader?”, I would answer, “Be Kind.” Kindness goes a long way when creating personal influence and positive relationships. Exceptional leaders are kind.

Being kind does not mean being soft or wishy-washy. I can still maintain boundaries and hold people accountable while being kind. It just means that I treat them the way I would want to be treated. If I mess up, I don’t want someone to yell at me. I want someone to point it out and help me figure out how not to do it again. As long as I feel it’s fair, I can live with consequences, and all of us can dole them out and be kind.

Inevitably, someone mentions Steve Jobs. He was a genius who led Apple to success twice, but he wasn’t a nice person. People did not like working for him. Success depends on the ruler that you use to measure it.

In my book, exceptional leaders create a positive work environment and make people feel valuable. Yes, we want to create success for our organizations, but one of the reasons that we are here on the planet is to help each other. As leaders we are in a powerful position to influence the quality of people’s everyday lives. I say we use that power for good and create places where people want to work through positive relationships that we create by being present and being kind.

 

Conscious Incompetence

03 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#comfortzone, #consciouscompetence, #consciousincompetence, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #learning

conscious incompetence 600 px

Last week I had some public experience with conscious incompetence. It was a little unsettling.

Before we begin learning a new skill, we are unconsciously incompetent. In other words, we don’t know what we don’t know. There are lots of things that we are unconsciously incompetent about. For example, I know little about bridge building, and until I cast about trying to come up with an example, I hadn’t thought about how to build a bridge or my lack of knowledge around the topic.

Once we are aware that we don’t know something and decide that we want to begin learning about it, we are in the consciously incompetent stage. We make a lot of mistakes in this stage and begin to build a body of knowledge. For bridge building, I could begin with popsicle sticks and move to using 2x4s to create a bridge. I might decide to go to school or become an apprentice. During conscious incompetence, we have a pretty good idea of what we don’t know, and we work to acquire the skills and knowledge that we need.

Once we have some experience under our belts, we become consciously competent. We know our stuff, but we still have to pay attention to what we are doing. It doesn’t come naturally.

Finally, we get to unconscious competence. We are so good at what we are doing, we don’t have to think about it anymore. I think it’s Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000-hour level that he describes in Outliers. We are experts in our field of study.

When I’m talking about leadership, I am unconsciously competent. I’ve put in my 10,000 hours of study, coaching, and training. That’s not to say that I don’t keep learning and growing, but I am comfortable in the world of leadership. People ask me questions and respect my opinion. It’s nice. I like it. I work to stay at this level by continuing to practice my craft and research my area.

However, last week I jumped into the world of interior decorating. Let me just say upfront that this is not an area of strength for me. I’m not good at interior decorating. I still live, for the most part, in early 20s décor. If it’s useful and I like it, it stays. I like a put-together house, but I don’t want to figure out how to do it. It just doesn’t light my fire.

My aunt, on the other hand, is very good at it. She had a showroom for 30 years at the Dallas Market Center. She recently retired and let go of the showroom, but she still represents a few of the companies whose merchandise she showcased in her showroom. She reps their lines. (Lingo recently learned.)

At the Dallas Market last week, she managed a booth for a company that makes bedding and pajamas. They make beautiful down pillows and comforters. Our booth looked like a comfy place to take a nap – and that’s about all I knew about the products.

The interior decorators and shop owners expected me to know more than the fact that it was soft and comfy. They wanted to know the prices, differences in the various comforters and pillows, and what everything was made of. Don’t get me started on the sheets, duvet covers, and shams!

They used words that I had never heard before, like matelassé. You get bonus points if you know how to pronounce it. I also realized that I didn’t know the significance or meaning of words I had heard before like percale, sateen, and jacquard. I was totally out of my depth!

I like being an expert in my field, and being incompetent at something was a startling refresher on what it’s like to begin at something. The people who came to the booth rightly assumed that I knew the products and the terminology. They were disappointed and disapproving when they got my deer-in-the-headlights look in response to their questions. I found myself wanting to explain that I was helping my aunt by keeping her company and acting as a guard when she went to the bathroom.

Fortunately, I’m familiar with what good customer service looks like. I smiled, listened intently and said “Let me get that information for you” a lot. I knew that they weren’t interested in excuses or explanations.

I also paid attention to what my aunt said and learned some things. I learned which comforters had Scandinavian down and which had Hungarian. I memorized the prices of the PJs and what they were made of. I didn’t learn enough to move out of conscious incompetence, but I did get less incompetent! Hopefully, I didn’t cost her any sales.

I also had a lot of fun. I like learning about new worlds and perspectives. As a result of several conversations, I changed the name of the mobile home that I am staying in from “the double wide” to “the casita.” Well-to-do people who shop the Dallas Market call the small houses on their properties casitas. I like it.

The thing that struck me the most about my time at the Dallas Market was how bad I felt when I didn’t know an answer to a question. I took the disapproving looks to heart. It was a great reminder of what it feels like to start something fresh. It was a little exciting and a little frustrating. As a leader, I want to remember to be kind to myself and others when we are in the conscious incompetence stage.

We can’t learn and grow unless we step out of our comfort zone and admit we don’t know everything. We can’t expect our employees to learn and grow unless we support them during the vulnerable stage of conscious incompetence. Every expert starts as a consciously incompetent beginner.

 

 

 

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