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Stress and Polyvagal Theory (Part 2)

19 Tuesday May 2020

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In the last blog, we talked about Polyvagal Theory. If you’re back, I didn’t scare you off with the science stuff. In brief, our autonomic nervous system has three states: dorsal vagal (Down in a Hole), sympathetic nervous system (Superman on High Alert), and ventral vagal (Victory). It is important to know what the three states are and how they feel to us individually.

And we took care of all that last week! So if we think of the three states as being on a ladder – as suggested by Deb Dana in her book The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy – how do we move up the ladder?

First, we don’t jump from the bottom to the top of the ladder. We go up or down one rung at a time. It’s important to realize that we aren’t going to suddenly become joyful if we are depressed.

However, there are a bunch of things that we can do to help move our autonomic nervous system to the ventral vagal state. These things can also help us stay there. I’ve already implemented several and feel that my mental state is much improved. Here is a list:

1. Breath/Meditation. Emotions and respiration are linked. We can influence our emotions by paying attention to our breath. We become mindful and focus only on our breath in the moment. Deep, full breaths help us calm down and move to the ventral vagal state. Note: A deep, full breath starts with a complete exhale to empty the lungs.

Meditation is another form of mindfulness. One meditation, in particular, has tons of research about its benefits for the person meditating and the person the meditator is concentrating on. You can read about it here and also find lots of guided loving-kindness meditations if you search online. Know that regular practice of the loving-kindness meditation can have a profound effect on your health and mental well-being.

2. Sound/Music. Pleasant sounds can improve our mood and outlook. It’s fun to figure out what makes us feel more positive. I like the sound of a babbling brook. I had a candle that was also a small fountain, and I miss its soothing sound. I am looking for another one.

Music is especially powerful. I asked my leadership workshop participants to send me a song that lifted their spirits, and I created a playlist. I enjoy some of the songs that they sent. Others just don’t do it for me. I find that our choice of music that moves us up the autonomic nervous system ladder is very individual. There isn’t one song for everyone.

I do have a happy playlist on my phone. I add to it every time I hear a song that energizes me. When I need some motivation, I listen to my happy songs. Never try to rationalize your choice of songs. If it makes your heart feel lighter, it’s good. I have Barry Manilow and disco on my list. No one gets to judge your happy playlist!

Singing music is another way to lift your spirits. There is research that we connect with each other when we sing together. COVID-19 has put a damper on that for now, but keep it in mind. Singing in the church choir is good for your spirit and your autonomic state.

3. Temperature. This one is new to me. When I was firmly ensconced in the sympathetic nervous system state, I was cold much of the time. Turns out, that’s not uncommon. I have an electric throw blanket that I keep by my favorite chair. The warmth of the blanket is also heartwarming; its comfort helps us up a rung or two on the ladder.

4. Nature. No one can say exactly why, but humans are rejuvenated when in nature. It doesn’t have to be bug-filled, scary nature deep in the woods. It can just be a tree or a houseplant.

When I first moved into my condo, it felt like a hotel room. After months of living here, it still didn’t feel like home. Then I started adding plants. I now have a lot of plants, and I love them! I remember the day that I came home, unconsciously bracing for the resistance I felt at calling the condo home. I opened the door and saw all of the plants. I felt my shoulders relax, which is a sure sign that I am moving up the ladder towards the ventral vagal state.

GHF5. Art/Creative Endeavors. The feeling of being in flow when engrossed in some sort of creative activity is awesome. There is a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction for me. Somewhere I read about filling a space completely with color. It doesn’t matter how. I picked a large index card and had fun filling it with color. Here is one of my creations. It doesn’t have to be great art to help you feel great.

6. Movement. Research shows that walking for 30 minutes each day is more effective than taking medication for depression. Moving helps – even the smallest bit of motion! Stretching up to the ceiling each time that you stand can be a good start.

Honestly, in the beginning of regaining my positivity, movement seemed like too big a chore. It wasn’t until I’d enacted some of the other things and had begun to see a light at the end of the tunnel that I began to move.

I am currently doing Richard Hittleman’s Yoga: 28 Day Exercise Plan from a very old book. My mom and I used to do it in the summer. I feel so much better and stronger when I do some light stretching and exercise each day.

If you are an avid exerciser, I am preaching to the choir!

7. Smells. Smells of all kinds can create strong emotional reactions. Certain aromas can bring back a flood of memories. We also know that diffusing essential oils can encourage various states of mind. If you search online for essential oils that create a peaceful feeling, several come up over and over again. Ylang ylang, spearmint, and orange are just a few. I am a fan of Sacred Frankincense. It’s fun to sniff and blend to find a combo that relaxes your shoulders and makes you feel lighter.

8. Connection. I have saved the most powerful action for last. In order to reach and maintain the ventral vagal state, we need to feel a nurturing connection with others. Dana writes, “The autonomic nervous systems of two individuals find sanctuary in a co-created experience of connection.” Wow. Sanctuary. That is powerful.

I will confess to resisting the idea that I need others to create happiness for myself. Certainly, I enjoy my family and friends but didn’t think of them as an absolute necessity for my own sense of well-being. Well, biology has proven me wrong, and I accept it. Mostly because I intentionally reached out to others when I was feeling very low and, as a result, feel much better.

a. Circle of friends. One day my sister was talking about her friends and how she saw them in three circles. The closest circle are friends who live near her whom she sees often. The next circle is people she cares about, but who are more distant – geographically or emotionally. The third circle is mostly acquaintances. Then there are other people outside her three circles that she knows.

I decided to do that exercise on a piece of paper. I encourage you to do the same. I did mine a little differently. I started with all the friends who live near me, people that I can visit. In the second circle I put close friends who don’t live near me. They are people I talk with often. The third circle is people I care about, but who I don’t see or talk with regularly. Everyone else is out there beyond my circles.

Then I started revising my lists. I only have about three people who are close friends who live near me. They went into their own inner circle. The rest of the geographically close people are ones who I want to nurture a closer friendship with.

In addition to being nurturing, a relationship must also be reciprocal in order to help us maintain the ventral vagal state. One of us may need more support for a time, and then the other. However, overall our relationship is balanced if we have reciprocity.

Look at the people in your circles. Does the relationship include heartfelt listening and responding? Is it balanced? Do you feel a nurturing sense of connection with this person? If the answer is no to any of these questions, chances are pretty good that they are not helping you maintain the ventral vagal state. Don’t depend on them for that.

If the answer is yes to all of them, reach out and connect with that person more often. Make time with them a priority. Your emotional state depends on it.

After I created my list, I got on the phone and made social-distance dates with two friends that I hadn’t seen in person for a while. Both were outside in nature – bonus. We sat six to eight feet from each other and had a great time chatting. I’ve kept up contacting people, and I cannot adequately describe how I feel now compared to how I was. My outlook is more positive, and I have more energy. People can help. Who knew?

b. Meet them where they are. It’s important to know that anyone stuck in either of the lower two states is missing a big chunk of their adult-thinking ability. In the ventral vagal state we are open-minded, creative, and capable of compassion and self-compassion. Those things are biologically unavailable to someone stuck in fight-or-flight. Once again – wow. It explains a lot of the behavior that we have been seeing since the pandemic started. Fear keeps us from listening fully and thinking clearly. Whether it’s someone in your circles or not, maintain some reasonable expectations if they are stuck in the sympathetic nervous system state.

c. Establish psychological safety. Every time that we have an interaction with someone, we ask, “Is it safe to engage with this person in this moment in this place?” We are asking if we feel psychologically safe. Anyone hanging out with me for any length of time knows that psychological safety is one of my favorite soapboxes. You can read a lot about psychological safety in my blogs.

Essentially, we want to tell others with our facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and consistent, reasonable actions that we are safe to talk with and reliable.

d. Be the help. The balance that we are looking for when our ventral vagal system is in charge is called homeostasis. In order to achieve and maintain homeostasis, we need the help of others. Once we have managed to make a ventral vagal state our home base, we can help others achieve it. Our regulated autonomic nervous system can help others regulate theirs. It sounds cold and sciency, but it really means listening in a heartfelt way that supports others as they climb the autonomic nervous state ladder one rung at a time.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Stress and Polyvagal Theory (Part 1)

12 Tuesday May 2020

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I was recently talking to a friend who is also a coach. I said to her, “I think I just need to accept the fact that I am an angry old woman. I am angry all the time!”

Her response was, “Me, too!”

I know enough to be leery of my own self-assessments, but I also know that my friend is not normally an angry person. I started listening to how other people were feeling. Many friends and acquaintances talked about not sleeping well and being short-tempered. Others felt panicky or depressed. It wasn’t just me!

Of course, the obvious answer is that we are all under a lot of stress during a pandemic. Duh! The bigger question is “what can we do about it”? Before we can come up with an action plan, we need a useful way to look at stress and its effects on our bodies.

As is often the case, I found the answer on my bookshelf. It’s not unusual for me to order books on a topic and have them sit on the shelf for a while. Then, suddenly I will want the information in them. Sitting on my shelf this time were two books on polyvagal theory.

Don’t run off! When I say “polyvagal theory,” people’s eyes glaze over, and they check out on me. Please don’t. The topic sounds dry and boring, but it gives us handles that we can use to move around and examine our pandemic stress.

I am going to un-science polyvagal theory a bit. If you are familiar with it, don’t mess with me for simplifying it. It’s important to me to make it useful. Here goes.

Part of our nervous system works on its own to regulate our basic bodily functions, like heartbeat, breath, and digestion. It’s called our autonomic nervous system. Our autonomic nervous system operates in three basic states.

When we are depressed, hopeless, or without energy, we are in the dorsal vagal state. Think of it as down in a hole. The world looks bleak, and we disassociate from other people when we are down in the hole.

When we are frightened or angry, our sympathetic nervous system has taken over. Most of us know it as the “fight or flight” state. We are on high alert, anxious, and expending a lot of energy. We are also angry a lot of the time about almost anything. I think of it as Superman on High Alert, looking for danger and bad guys.

Of course, neither of those is the state that we want to be in. We want to be peaceful and feel empathy. We want to be engaged and passionate while acting with compassion towards ourselves and others. That highest state is the ventral vagal state. Think “V” for victory. When we are in the ventral vagal state, we are more creative and open-minded.

autonomic state ladder

In one book that I read called The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy, author Deb Dana uses a ladder to visualize the three states. I like her metaphor and highly recommend her book if you want to learn more about polyvagal theory.

So here is a ladder with the three states. We move up and down the ladder one rung at a time. It’s not unusual to move through the three states many times during a day. However, we want to make the ventral vagal state at the top our home base.

Staying in the ventral vagal state can be a challenge right now because of COVID-19, which has moved us all down a rung or two from where we usually hang out. Even if I am usually in a ventral vagal state, our new normal is scary and unnerving. Moving down to the sympathetic nervous or dorsal vagal state is completely understandable.

So, what can we do to move up a rung or two when we feel anxious or depressed? Dana has some great suggestions in her book, and I have already used several to help myself become less angry and more at peace. I also have a few ideas of my own. Tune in next week for a list of suggestions!

In the meantime, practice noticing what state you are in at any given moment. Awareness is the first step!

 

 

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Building and Rebuilding Trust

22 Tuesday Jan 2019

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Think back to the leader that you consider to be a role model. Do you trust that person? Participants in workshops always answer yes. We trust the people who we are willing to follow. Great leaders need to be trustworthy in order to have the personal influence needed to get people to follow them. We build trust by being consistent. Great supervisors are consistent and reliable.

Honestly, none of us are going to be reliable and consistent all the time, but we need to manage it most of the time. Our employees need to know that we aren’t going to yell at them when they come to us with a problem. They need to feel confident that we are going to be calm and reliable. We’re going to ask questions and figure out how to fix the situation. We want our employees to feel that we are a stable, reliable force that is going to help them. Until employees feel confident that their leaders are reliable and consistent, they are going to be tentative and watchful—maybe even subversive or dishonest in order to avoid an unpleasant confrontation.

Fortunately for us, people tend to extend trust to people at the beginning of a relationship. Trust is a gift that we need to appreciate and work to keep. We want to avoid breaching trust because once it’s gone, trust is difficult to gain back. However, all is not lost if we lose someone’s trust. There are things that we can do to regain it as quickly as possible.

The first thing to do is to admit that we’ve done something disappointing. If we made a bad decision, forgot something, or lost our temper, we should admit it. The second thing to do is apologize. Some old-school thought states that leaders should never apologize. It’s based on the belief that leaders have to be perfect to be great leaders. The problem with that thinking is that none of us are perfect. We are human, and we make mistakes. We only make matters worse if we don’t admit them and apologize.

We also need to do whatever we can to fix the problem if that’s possible. An apology goes a long way, but we also want to do what we can to make things right. If we forgot to do something, how can we get it done and deal with the results of forgetting? If a plan doesn’t work, it’s time to regroup and try again. We help to rebuild trust when we do what we can to repair any damage that we’ve done.

After we have broken trust, we will have to continue to behave in a consistent, reliable manner until everyone feels comfortable again. It may take some time, so we need to be patient.

In summary, when we break trust, it’s important to acknowledge it, apologize, and do what we can to fix it. Then we continue to be trustworthy until whoever was affected decides that they can trust us again.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Frame of Reference

24 Tuesday Jul 2018

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The information that we take in and the information that we send out must go through our Frame of Reference, and it’s important to know how this Frame  affects our view of the world. I picture everyone peering out at the world through their Frames of Reference. Our Frame of Reference is made up of four parts: values, priorities, experiences, and beliefs.

Let’s begin with values. Picture your own memorial service in your head. You’ve led a full and meaningful life with which you are satisfied. What three things are you sure that people will say about you? The list that you come up with is your values. For the most part, our values stay the same throughout our lives.

Priorities are the second part of our Frame of Reference. Priorities are a snapshot of what is important to us right now. Putting a priority at the bottom of the list doesn’t mean that it’s not important to you at all; it’s just not something you focus on right now. Priorities include things like family, career, faith, and health.

The third part of our Frame of Reference is experience. What we experience in our lives has a profound effect on how we view the world and experience life in the future. Over time, our experiences create our beliefs about ourselves and life in general.

Beliefs are the final part of our Frame of Reference. Many of them are the foundations of our lives – personal rules that we don’t realize exist. As adults, we get to examine our beliefs and decide if they are serving us well or not.

We can get rid of a lot of stress if we realize that the values, priorities, experiences, and beliefs of others are not identical to our own. Every person has a unique Frame of Reference that leads them to see things differently and make different decisions than the ones that we might make. We can accept that and know that different is not necessarily wrong – which makes life easier for everyone.

Our Frame of Reference creates the world in which we live. Intentionally examining and creating our Frame of Reference can make all the difference in the life that we experience. Usually, an initial discovery session with a coach will include an examination of your values, priorities, and beliefs, as well as the significant experiences that have influenced you. It feels great to get rid of limiting beliefs that are holding us back.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

Conscious Incompetence

03 Tuesday Jul 2018

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Last week I had some public experience with conscious incompetence. It was a little unsettling.

Before we begin learning a new skill, we are unconsciously incompetent. In other words, we don’t know what we don’t know. There are lots of things that we are unconsciously incompetent about. For example, I know little about bridge building, and until I cast about trying to come up with an example, I hadn’t thought about how to build a bridge or my lack of knowledge around the topic.

Once we are aware that we don’t know something and decide that we want to begin learning about it, we are in the consciously incompetent stage. We make a lot of mistakes in this stage and begin to build a body of knowledge. For bridge building, I could begin with popsicle sticks and move to using 2x4s to create a bridge. I might decide to go to school or become an apprentice. During conscious incompetence, we have a pretty good idea of what we don’t know, and we work to acquire the skills and knowledge that we need.

Once we have some experience under our belts, we become consciously competent. We know our stuff, but we still have to pay attention to what we are doing. It doesn’t come naturally.

Finally, we get to unconscious competence. We are so good at what we are doing, we don’t have to think about it anymore. I think it’s Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000-hour level that he describes in Outliers. We are experts in our field of study.

When I’m talking about leadership, I am unconsciously competent. I’ve put in my 10,000 hours of study, coaching, and training. That’s not to say that I don’t keep learning and growing, but I am comfortable in the world of leadership. People ask me questions and respect my opinion. It’s nice. I like it. I work to stay at this level by continuing to practice my craft and research my area.

However, last week I jumped into the world of interior decorating. Let me just say upfront that this is not an area of strength for me. I’m not good at interior decorating. I still live, for the most part, in early 20s décor. If it’s useful and I like it, it stays. I like a put-together house, but I don’t want to figure out how to do it. It just doesn’t light my fire.

My aunt, on the other hand, is very good at it. She had a showroom for 30 years at the Dallas Market Center. She recently retired and let go of the showroom, but she still represents a few of the companies whose merchandise she showcased in her showroom. She reps their lines. (Lingo recently learned.)

At the Dallas Market last week, she managed a booth for a company that makes bedding and pajamas. They make beautiful down pillows and comforters. Our booth looked like a comfy place to take a nap – and that’s about all I knew about the products.

The interior decorators and shop owners expected me to know more than the fact that it was soft and comfy. They wanted to know the prices, differences in the various comforters and pillows, and what everything was made of. Don’t get me started on the sheets, duvet covers, and shams!

They used words that I had never heard before, like matelassé. You get bonus points if you know how to pronounce it. I also realized that I didn’t know the significance or meaning of words I had heard before like percale, sateen, and jacquard. I was totally out of my depth!

I like being an expert in my field, and being incompetent at something was a startling refresher on what it’s like to begin at something. The people who came to the booth rightly assumed that I knew the products and the terminology. They were disappointed and disapproving when they got my deer-in-the-headlights look in response to their questions. I found myself wanting to explain that I was helping my aunt by keeping her company and acting as a guard when she went to the bathroom.

Fortunately, I’m familiar with what good customer service looks like. I smiled, listened intently and said “Let me get that information for you” a lot. I knew that they weren’t interested in excuses or explanations.

I also paid attention to what my aunt said and learned some things. I learned which comforters had Scandinavian down and which had Hungarian. I memorized the prices of the PJs and what they were made of. I didn’t learn enough to move out of conscious incompetence, but I did get less incompetent! Hopefully, I didn’t cost her any sales.

I also had a lot of fun. I like learning about new worlds and perspectives. As a result of several conversations, I changed the name of the mobile home that I am staying in from “the double wide” to “the casita.” Well-to-do people who shop the Dallas Market call the small houses on their properties casitas. I like it.

The thing that struck me the most about my time at the Dallas Market was how bad I felt when I didn’t know an answer to a question. I took the disapproving looks to heart. It was a great reminder of what it feels like to start something fresh. It was a little exciting and a little frustrating. As a leader, I want to remember to be kind to myself and others when we are in the conscious incompetence stage.

We can’t learn and grow unless we step out of our comfort zone and admit we don’t know everything. We can’t expect our employees to learn and grow unless we support them during the vulnerable stage of conscious incompetence. Every expert starts as a consciously incompetent beginner.