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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: December 2017

Final Words of Wisdom: Get Support

26 Tuesday Dec 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Uncategorized, Words of Wisdom

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#getsupport, #reachout, #wordsofwisdom

Get support 550 px

I can see my future teenage granddaughter sitting on the edge of her bed. Her head is bowed, and she is feeling completely overwhelmed. The image breaks my heart and feels achingly familiar. We’ve all been there. I hope that whatever form I am in, I’m able to whisper in her ear, “Get support.”

My own tendency is to become a hermit when I’m feeling devastated and alone. I want to curl up in a ball and not talk with anyone – and that is not healthy. It’s something I’m working to change.

Support can be in the form of a therapist or coach. Professionals are a good choice. It can also be a wise friend or relative. However, to be truly helpful, the person must have several qualities.

First the person must have a positive outlook on life. A person who is hunting for and commenting on the negative is not useful. Neither is someone who blindly takes our side and jumps on the sniping bandwagon.

Second, the supporter must be able to listen without offering solutions. He or she can offer a new perspective, but the words “You need to…” should never come out of his or her mouth. We know the best solutions to our own problems. We just need someone to allow us to talk out loud and offer new ways of looking at something. Coaches are trained to listen, ask questions, and raise awareness. Great coaches never tell clients what they should do, and that’s the kind of support that we need when we are down and struggling.

Third, the person must be kind. We need a person with compassion for us, the situation, and anyone else involved. As we decide on actions and perspectives, we want a kind person to measure their merits.

Finally, the supporter must have our best interests at heart, which means it’s a person who cares for us. Family members sometimes have their own agendas and have difficulty separating our needs from theirs. Once again, a coach is an excellent choice because coaches champion for their clients’ needs and interests objectively.

If I can’t be there in the future when my granddaughter is feeling down, I desperately want her to reach out for help from someone who has all of those qualities. I hope we all do. I also hope that we can all develop the qualities needed to be great supporters.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Final Words of Wisdom: Finish Strong

19 Tuesday Dec 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Uncategorized, Words of Wisdom

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#finishstrong, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #wordsofwisdom

snail finish line 550 px

If I was going to tell my granddaughter one essential quality that helps create success in life, I would say it’s the ability to see a job through to the end. It’s difficult, and it takes some self-discipline. For example, when we finish a project in the house, we want to be done and move on. We don’t want to clean up the area and put all the tools away. However, it’s important that we develop the self-discipline to see every task or goal to its completion.

Successful leaders are finishers. In fact, great leaders finish strong. One of the key pieces to finishing strong is starting tasks that are worthwhile and in alignment with your short- and long-term goals. One of my goals is to maintain an organized home and work environment, which means I focus on putting away files and keeping things in their places. For work, I have a marketing schedule, a weekly blog, coaching clients, and classes. Each area requires a set of tasks, and the tasks must be completed for the actions to have an impact.

A lot of worthwhile activities are not that much fun. Scheduling social media posts is not my favorite thing to do, but it leads to more clients and more coaching, which I love. I keep the end goal in mind while I’m working.

Self-discipline is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. It’s hard in the beginning to see a project through to the very end. However, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Employers and employees value the ability to finish strong. Family members are also fans of project follow-through. The ability to finish strong can have an enormously positive effect on work and home life.

If we don’t finish, we’ve wasted the time that we invested. We’ve also damaged our confidence and invited negative self-talk.

A good practice for finishing strong is doing the laundry from beginning to end. That may sound like a silly challenge, but I’ve learned through leadership workshops that almost everyone struggles with getting clothes clean and put away. Most of us end up with loads of laundry hanging out in the dryer or piled on a flat surface. Make the commitment to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer quickly, and then get the clothes out when they are dry. The hard part is folding them and putting them away – right away!

We are building self-discipline and confidence when we finish what we begin. Those are definitely qualities that I want for my granddaughter –  and you.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Final Words of Wisdom: Take a Step

12 Tuesday Dec 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Uncategorized, Words of Wisdom

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#takeastep, #wordsofwisdom, success

take a step 550 px

So, when the world feels overwhelming and I have way too much to do, all I want to do is play Plants v. Zombies. Seriously. At those points in life, I could work all day, and my list would be just as long tomorrow as it is today. Although Plants v. Zombies is a great escape that takes my mind off of my current challenges, it isn’t really helpful – not in the long run.

We often use coping mechanisms that aren’t really helpful when we are troubled. We might drink too much alcohol or head to a mall for some therapy shopping. I am not the only one who uses video games as a distraction. Facebook and blog browsing are other ways that we get a break from the pressures of reality.

There is nothing wrong with any of these in short doses, but they aren’t useful as long-term strategies. If we never face reality or our challenges, we get stuck – and often depressed. Once we’ve been using a non-productive coping mechanism for a while, it’s even harder to get going.

First, if you are seriously stuck and depressed, talk to a professional. Get a therapist, or hire a coach. You can do both; many of my clients work with me and a therapist. In general, the therapist helps you examine and deal with the past. A coach focuses on what to do now in order to get to the future that you desire.

For run-of-the-mill funk and feeling overwhelmed, I use a simple process that gets me moving forward and makes me feel like I am accomplishing something – I take a step.

Let’s say that tax preparation is weighing heavily on my shoulders. I have to file for my business, which requires collecting, compiling, and presenting a ton of information. When faced with working on the taxes or playing Plants v. Zombies, there is no contest! However, when I finish a level of Plants v. Zombies, I’m still facing the same situation.

I tell myself that I can kill a few zombies after I’ve done one thing that will move me forward on the taxes. It doesn’t have to be a big thing like “find all your deductions.” It can be a small thing like “pull out the stack of bills from the year, and sort out the ones that you need.” I get a mental break from worry because I am focusing on the task. Also, I take a step forward, which relieves some of the tension around doing the taxes. Often, I do a few more things. It’s easier to take a few more steps once you get started.

So if you are feeling upset, worried, or overwhelmed, take a moment and figure out what is really bothering you. Then do one thing that will move you forward on that challenge. Take a step! Focus all your attention on that task. You will have gotten a break from uncomfortable feelings, AND you will gain a feeling of accomplishment, WHICH will motivate you to do more.

After all, success in life isn’t achieved all at once. It’s built one step at a time.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Words of Wisdom: Find More Facts and Listen to Your Heart

05 Tuesday Dec 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Uncategorized, Words of Wisdom

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#findfacts, #listentoyourheart, #onestepatatime, #overwhelm, #wordsofwisdom

gma and gdaughter 550 px

When figuring out what to write for the final month of 2017, I asked myself what else I want my granddaughter to know. What hard-won wisdom could I share that would help her when she is facing a challenge? If I am not around to comfort her and offer support, what would help?

2017 has been a tough year for me. I have faced several life-altering challenges, and I’ve been stuck and felt hopeless. It felt like I was standing in one place with my shoes glued to the floor. I couldn’t move forward. Everything was confusing and overwhelming. I’ve had some practice this year in getting through a tough time or two.

When my head is swimming and there doesn’t seem to be a clear answer, there are a couple of things I do. First, I gather more facts. When we feel like we are guessing, we often are. For example, I was buying a new car a few years ago, and the entire process was intimidating to me. I’d driven a minivan for more than 20 years, and I loved all my minivans — I mean truly loved them.

However, since my children were grown and I was 50-something years old, I thought it might be time for an image upgrade. I looked at every car on the road and imagined myself driving it. I quickly eliminated all small cars. I’m about six feet tall, and small cars make me claustrophobic. Also, I drive with chart pads, books, and a host of other goodies when I travel to do leadership training.

“Not small” isn’t much to go on. Would I like a truck? Perhaps an SUV would work? I couldn’t make up my mind. It was time to gather some more facts.

I found an enormous pickup truck on sale and went to see it. I sat in it and drove it around. It made me feel tough and powerful. I liked it. However, my oldest son lived in the DC area at the time. It occurred to me that I was often driving down small streets and parking in small parking garages. The truck felt too big for that. Yay! A new criterion to add to my search. The vehicle must be easy to maneuver on small streets and in parking garages. I hadn’t thought of that until I drove the big truck.

Next, I drove an Acura MDX. Swanky SUV. Easy to drive, but a little too small to fit all my training paraphernalia and clothes. AND it didn’t feel right, which leads to my second test when facing a challenge: What does your heart say?

My heart let me know pretty quickly that I felt like a poser in that car. It felt sleek and rich. It was like putting a mink coat over sweats. It just didn’t feel right.

Now I was armed with a host of practical things that I wanted, like a bunch of cup holders, a heated seat, and an engine powerful enough to tow a small trailer. I also knew that it didn’t need to be elegant or swanky. Knowing all of that made it easy to choose Amber – the car that I now drive and adore. Amber is a Honda Pilot. She is small enough to fit in parking garages, big enough to hold my stuff, and she is beautiful but not ostentatious. I love her!

So if my granddaughter, who is now one year old, called me with a challenge in the future (when she is able to talk in complete sentences), I would first ask her, “What do you know for a fact?” Then I would ask her, “What assumptions are you making?” Finally I would ask, “What concrete information could you gather that would help you know what to do?”

Sometimes getting the information that you need can require one phone call. Sometimes it requires the experience of a year. It depends on the challenge and the decisions to be made. We can get stuck in analysis paralysis, but the bigger danger is staying stuck because we don’t feel we have enough information to make a good decision.

What’s important is to keep moving and researching. Maybe a job doesn’t seem perfect or you don’t really know what you want to do. Move forward! Take a job, and pay attention to what you like and don’t like. Next time, get more of what you like and less of what you don’t like. Getting useful information can be a part of finding your path and engaging in life’s journey.

 

Once my granddaughter had all the information that she needed to make a good decision, I would ask, “What is your heart telling you?”

I would ask you the same things.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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