Monthly Archives: January 2015

The Power of Choice: It’s Time to Wave Around the Magic Wand of Destiny

26 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership

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choice meme

The power of choice is one of my favorite topics because it has the potential to dramatically change people’s lives. Choosing on purpose is the theme of my leadership series. Many of us, myself included, have a tendency to fall into a victim mentality.  We say, “Oh, I have to do this” and “I have to do that.” In reality, most of the things that we do are choices.

I use an exercise in my communication workshops that creates a huge perspective shift for people. I have them complete the sentence “I have to…” with as many things as they can think of in about three minutes. If someone writes, “I have to eat, sleep, and breathe,” that is correct! We do “have” to do those things in order to keep living. However, most everything else is a choice.

Often someone will say, “But we have to pay taxes.” The answer is, “No, not really.” Generally we choose to pay taxes because we don’t want to risk penalties and jail, but we could choose to live as a hermit off the grid or risk not paying taxes in the hope that we wouldn’t get caught.

Life right now, for the most part, is the result of the choices we’ve made up to this point. People in my workshops usually groan at that statement. It is true and it hits home. We have made some really good choices in our lives and some not so great choices that have led us to our current situation.

I know that we don’t choose everything that happens to us. I am a woman who has had brain surgery on very short notice. However, we do get to choose how we react to what happens to us.

What’s important to note is that our future is determined by the choices that we make now. We make choices all the time without thinking about how those choices will affect the future. The key is to make choices intentionally. We must decide where we want to go, what we want to accomplish, and who we want to be. Using those decisions as a guide, we intentionally choose actions, attitudes, and perspectives that will move us closer to those goals.

I call choosing with intention “waving around the Magic Wand of Destiny.” I have a Magic Wand of Destiny that I use in my leadership seminars. (You can see it in the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZaiN1wnj6s) Choosing on purpose creates a completely different way of looking at the world. It can change what you do, and it can also change how you think about what you do.

When I first did the exercise of completing the sentence “I have too…” I wrote that I had to make my sons’ breakfast and lunch every morning. I didn’t really like making breakfast and lunch and I would lie in bed in the morning groaning about it. After the exercise, I realized that I was choosing to get up and prepare meals. The kids were middle school age and capable of fixing their own food.

However, I thought it was important to spend time with them in the morning and to ensure that they had good food to eat. Getting up and fixing meals were actions that were in alignment with my values. That realization didn’t change what I did, but it changed how I felt about doing it. When I woke up and thought, “I have to…” I stopped myself and started waving around the Magic Wand of Destiny. I told myself to either get up and cheerfully fix food or stay in bed.

In life you have three choices in most situations. If you don’t like what’s going on, the first option is to try and change it. If you control the situation, it’s easy to change. If you have no control, then changing it isn’t an option. In most situations, we have some influence that we can try to exert.

In workshops I use a personal example. We moved to a new place and were only going to be there one year. My youngest son, Andrew, had asthma and was allergic to dogs. There was a helping dog in the school and Andrew found himself with the dog often and we were having to increase his asthma medication as a result.

We didn’t completely control the situation, but we did have some influence. We met with teachers and the principal. I sent them information on asthma and allergies. It was all to no avail. They did not cooperate. We were unable to change the situation.

The second choice is to accept the situation. I do mean to truly accept the situation, not grit your teeth and endure it.  Accepting mean making a mental or physical adjustment that you can live with and that won’t stress you out. In our case, we were up to quadrupling Andrew’s asthma medicine so we couldn’t really accept the situation.

The third and final option is to flee. Fleeing doesn’t have to be a negative event. You can plan ahead and leave a situation on good terms. For example, if I’m volunteering on a board and want to leave the situation, I can just make it clear that I won’t return when my term is up. In my example with Andrew, we did flee. We pulled Andrew out of school and I homeschooled him that year. He decreased to minimal amount of medication and we had great year together.

The bottom line is if you don’t realize that you have the power of choice, you can become a victim. You can live in a constant victim mentality which is very unhealthy. It’s more useful to look at each situation and ask what you can intentionally do to improve it. Decide who you want to be and where you want to go. Then start waving around the Magic Wand of Destiny.

Goals: Big Why and Little Hows

19 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by in Leadership

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Big Why

I love making goals. There’s something of a fresh start wrapped up in a goal. If it’s a good goal, we are working toward something that we want. When I was first outlining my video on this topic (link below), I asked my husband to randomly say what he thought about goals. He said, “Well, goals are really desires, aren’t they? When you achieve a goal, you get a sense of fulfillment.” Bingo! He totally hit the nail on the head! Let’s think about goals as desires and things that will bring us a sense of fulfillment.

Using that frame of reference, write down a list of goals. One of the challenges of creating and achieving goals is our own ideas about what we “should” write down. We “should” lose weight. We “should” exercise more. But is that what you really desire? It might be. The trick is to figure out the Big Why of each goal. If there isn’t one, it’s time to toss the goal.

So what is the Big Why? It’s the underlying heart reason for wanting to do something. Let’s say that I put “Exercise three times a week” on my list of goals. I don’t really like to exercise. I feel I should. It doesn’t feel motivating at all. The first step is to ask myself why I want to exercise three times a week. Well, I’d answer that I want to stay fit and not grow too decrepit to do what I want to do. (My exercise goals are not lofty.) Wanting to stay strong and healthy is a good reason, but it still isn’t speaking to my heart. It still feels like a “should.”

So I ask myself again, “Why?” – why do I want to be strong and healthy? It could be that I want to be able to play with grandkids if any come along or that I want to be able to keep up with my husband who is very fit. However, the real reason for me is that I have more energy and feel more positive and motivated when I am at my ideal weight and exercising regularly. I feel more powerful and it’s easier to accomplish things. I really do find a sense of fulfillment when I interact with the world with a body that is in good shape for me. (It is important to note that my ideal exercise plan involves walking and gentle yoga. I am not a runner. My fitness level is mine – the level that works for me. It’s not a “should” level, it’s my level.)

Now it’s time to check in. Is this a reason that resonates with my heart or do I need to ask myself “Why?” again? Actually, that feeling of being energized and positive is very motivating for me. I remind myself of that feeling whenever I am tempted to eat too much or skip exercising.

You keep asking yourself “Why” until you get down the reason that has meaning for you, the one that truly feels like a desire and that will lead to a sense of fulfillment. That reason is your Big Why. It’s the reason that you feel in your heart. If you keep asking “Why?” and never get to reason that feels like a desire, mark it off your list. It’s a “should” goal and you probably won’t achieve it anyway because it doesn’t have meaning for you.

Now, you have a few goals with Big Whys. We want to figure out how to achieve them.  I will use my goal of creating online classes as an example. I’ve wanted to create some online classes for more than a year. I want to offer the expensive leadership classes that I give to businesses to everyone at a reasonable price. I believe that anyone who is motivated should be able to pursue his or her professional development.

It’s a big overwhelmingly huge and intimidating goal, which is why I didn’t begin on it for quite some time. I got started when I broke the goal down into Little Hows and realized that even small progress is better than no progress. If I stand in one place doing nothing for a year, I’m in the exact same place I was when I started – a year gone with nothing to show. I decided that the smallest movement forward was preferable.

I knew that my website was awful, my website provider was frustrating, and neither could support the online classes that I wanted to create. The first Little How was “Find a web designer.” I broke that one into even smaller steps: 1) Search for WordPress web designers, 2) Look at their work online, 3) Outline what I want my website to do, 4) Set up interviews with web designers, and  5) Pick one!

I use the same system to get started on our taxes each year. I will stare at “Do taxes” on my list and shudder. It is just too big a task until I break it down. I list the Little Hows: 1) Print off forms, 2) Collect W-2s, 3) Gather bank statements, 4) Find business receipts, etc. I get it done by focusing on the small steps, not the big picture.  By even doing one small thing a day, I make respectable progress.

Progress is what life is all about! We can move forward, make our desires a reality, and achieve that sense of fulfillment by thoughtfully choosing the goals and methodically taking small steps toward them. In other words, ensure your goals have a Big Why that resonates with your heart and then define the Little Hows that will baby-step toward your goal.

Here’s my video on Goals: Big Why and Little Hows: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KtsfQrz3uc

Not Quite Right Syndrome

12 Monday Jan 2015

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perfection meme 3

So many of us suffer from Not Quite Right Syndrome. It kills our dreams and keeps us from moving forward in life. We don’t try new things or finish projects because we feel that they aren’t quite right. What we really mean is that they aren’t perfect. It’s normal to want to do something well or put out a good product, but if we wait around until it’s perfect we will be waiting around forever!

It’s important to start. We can’t get better at anything unless we practice it. The example I think of most often is comic strip writers. They start and we think they are good, but they continue to improve over time. Let me show you. This is the first Peanuts comic strip.

First Peanuts cartoon

It doesn’t look much like the Peanuts that we are familiar with. Charlie Brown doesn’t even have his signature zigzag on his shirt!

Here is a strip that Charles M Schulz did about 10 years later.

peanuts 10 years later

His drawing style is more sophisticated. He got better because he drew a strip just about every day for 10 years. When I think I should wait to send something out into the world because it isn’t quite right, I remember these comic strips. I know I can’t get proficient at anything unless I start doing it regularly.

Frankly, it’s why I started making weekly videos. My long-term goal is to create online leadership classes and I was very unhappy with my first attempts. I learned and got better, but realized that the only way to get really good was to practice making videos regularly. Hence, my commitment to make short weekly videos.

We don’t want to wait around for perfect, but we also don’t want to put out junk. So what’s good enough look like? My husband who was in the military for 30 years said that one of his first commanders taught him that 80% on time was better than 100% late. I like that guideline because it’s flexible enough to be useful for our purposes. Let’s start with what “late” means.

Sometimes “late” is obvious; there is a deadline or cutoff. However, sometimes we are setting the dates for personal projects. I could have continued to put off making videos, but I set myself a hard deadline of New Year’s Day. It’s good to set deadlines if none exist.

Now, what does 80% look like? We each get to decide for ourselves. The entire discussion around Not Quite Right started when I looked at the first video I published in the Renewed You series. It is absolutely not perfect. There are several things that bug the heck out of me about it. However, I decided that it was good enough. I did not want to do it again AND I wanted to hit my deadline so I went with it. It’s not nearly as embarrassing as the ones that I started with about three months ago. Those will never see the light of day! Most importantly, I learned things that will help me to get better.

My inner critic did a pretty good job of pointing out all the small issues with my first video. Our inner critics can be pretty harsh. Our outer critics, also known as friends and family, can seem pretty harsh as well. It’s important to know that both our inner and outer critics just want to keep us safe from insult and emotional injury. It’s because they care about us, and that’s important to remember. It’s OK to remind both your inner and outer critics that you are tough and you can handle any criticism that comes your way out in the big wide world and that it’s also OK if you fail. It is OK if you fail.

It takes courage and a thick skin to get out there in the world! However, I know that I would feel much worse in 10 years if I looked back and had never tried than if I looked back and saw that I failed. Regret is a terrible thing. If no one watches my videos or reads my blogs but my great, great grandchildren 100 years from now, I’m OK with that. They will know that their granny was not afraid to give it a shot and maybe that knowledge will give them courage to do the same.

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Here’s my video on Not Quite Right Syndrome: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ib0w68mzGZA

A good book on the topic is Making Ideas Happen by Scott Belsky

Fresh Eyes = New World

05 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by in Positivity

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwaXOh_mCVA

We humans have a tendency to notice the negative things around us more than we notice the positive. “Noticing more” means seeing most of the negative, not registering most of the positive, and giving more emotional emphasis to the negative events around us than we do the positive. Wow! No wonder many of us feel like we lead a hard-luck life. We are looking for and dwelling on the bad stuff! However, we aren’t doomed to humanity’s natural tendency to gloom.

We can change how we view the world with one simple exercise. Keep track of the positive. Specifically, I keep a Success/Gratitude Journal. My Mom was one of the first people I knew to write in a gratitude journal. She kept one for several years before she died. She lived with us for the last 10 years of her life so her entries included things about our family. She would refer to a conversation with my sister as “Hearing sweet Stacey’s voice.” She snuggled in bed with my youngest son and read Moby Dick aloud to him before the rest of us were up and moving. She played action figures with my oldest son. I know these things because she wrote about them in her gratitude journal. It is sweet and moving to read the things that touched her heart each day.

Everything about gratitude is good for you. Physiologically it slows your heart and calms you down. Thinking of things for which you are grateful when you are lying in bed can help you fall asleep and sleep better. Feelings of gratitude can improve your health. If you are feeling profound gratitude, you can’t feel worry or fear. Feeling more gratitude can only improve your life!

This year, in addition to writing three to five things for which I am grateful, I’m writing three to five successes I’ve had that day. It’s working out great for me because I like to document what I accomplish. It’s sort of a Dear Diary response of about middle school age: “Dear Diary, Today I…” You get the idea. I allow myself to fill that need and then I pause, leaving the “doing” place and dropping into the “feeling” place. I’m still a work-in-progress on defining and embracing my emotions so it’s a good exercise for me. It gets me to really sink into a feeling of gratitude for small things like the soothing smell of coffee that I didn’t notice when I was counting successes.

Here’s the big news, in order to write your successes and gratitudes, you have to notice them! You start looking for things that go right and things that give you that warm fuzzy feeling in your heart as you go through your day. Then you write them down which helps cement them in your memory. Instead of noticing and dwelling on the negative, you are noticing and dwelling on the positive – and the world is suddenly a better place!

Isn’t that neat? You create a new and positive world for yourself merely by looking out at it with fresh eyes.

Here’s a video of me talking about my Success/Gratitude Journal: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwaXOh_mCVA

Here’s a good NY Times article about noticing negativity that cites several sources: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/24/your-money/why-people-remember-negative-events-more-than-positive-ones.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Here’s a good Time article on the benefits of feeling grateful: http://healthland.time.com/2012/11/22/why-gratitude-isnt-just-for-thanksgiving/