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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

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Challenges of Knowing Yourself

28 Tuesday Feb 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Uncategorized, Uncovering Your Authentic Self

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

#KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #personaldevelopment, #personalgrowth, #perspective, #progress, #selfknowledge, #UncoveringYourAuthenticSelf

know-yourself

March Series: Uncovering Your Authentic Self

March is my birth month, so we are going to talk about me – and you! Let’s take this month to explore who we are, why we are that way, and who we want to be. It’s going to be fun! What could be more interesting than learning more about ourselves?

Challenges of Knowing Yourself

I had a tough time during 2001 and 2002. My mom died in January of 2001, and my husband deployed a few months after her death. My mom had lived with us for 10 years. It was the first time in a decade that my sons and I would be alone. They were 10 and 12 years old.

At that time, I led our Family Readiness Group. It was my job to keep more than 300 families informed about what was going on, offer help and guidance, and step in whenever there was an emergency.

I gave it my best shot, but didn’t handle anything as gracefully or thoroughly as I could have. The following 18 months was an enormous struggle, and at the end of it, I was burnt out completely. I heard my children saying negative, sarcastic things, and I realized that they were echoing me. I knew I needed to change, but I had no idea how.

When my husband came back, we moved to Carlisle, PA. I was still struggling. I’d gained at least 15 pounds, and I wasn’t happy. I thought that I was hiding my sadness and frustration, but one day my husband sat down next to me and said, “You are so unhappy. Do whatever you need to do to find happiness.” I was startled.

I thought about his comments for a while, and realized that the problem was that I didn’t know what would make me happy. I decided to find out.

who-am-i

The first thing I did was to check in with myself about every activity I did. I would ask myself, “Do I like doing this?” I was surprised to learn that I did not enjoy military spouse activities. I had in the past, so this was a change that I hadn’t noticed. I also had felt that my attendance was at least expected, if not required. Times were different then. However, my husband had said “Do whatever you need to do.” So, I drastically cut back on attending military spouse events. It felt so freeing!

It wasn’t hard to figure out what I didn’t like to do. I uncovered those all the time. What I had trouble finding was things that I enjoyed. I discovered that I wasn’t doing anything that I truly liked! I began experimenting with new behaviors, and I went back to some old favorites.

I’d always enjoyed walking. So, I started walking more. I also knew that I loved to learn. I joined a group called Facilitating Leadership and Group Skills at the Army War College. The subject matter was all about personal development, and it fascinated me. During this time, I discovered that I loved being up in front of a group leading discussions and teaching new concepts. Thi is where I got my start in leadership training and facilitation.

I began to discover then and continue to believe now that we humans like a challenge. We thrive on personal development. We are happier when we are learning things about ourselves and the world.

I recently read an interesting quote in a Harvard Business Review article entitled Shakespeare’s Characters Show Us How Personal Growth Should Happen. The author, Declan Fitzsimons, states that Shakespeare’s plays are riveting because he doesn’t just let us get to know a static character. The characters go through tremendous change and personal development, and we get to watch.

Fitzsimons writes, “Shakespeare teaches us moderns that in the face of an uncertain world, self-awareness – that much-vaunted leadership quality – is only worthy of the name when it is revelatory. And it can only be revelatory when we are willing to concede that we know ourselves only partially.”

We do, in fact, only know ourselves partially. I am not the only person who is unaware of my preferences, weaknesses, and strengths. Here is a Johari Window which is a model that can be used to help us better understand our relationship with others and ourselves.johari-window-2

Any information that I share with someone else is in the Open area. Once I let you know that I wear a size 8 shoe, it’s in the Open region. Hidden items are things that I know, but no one else knows. We all have lots of those! We should have lots of them. We don’t share everything. Unknown items are things that I don’t know about myself and no one else knows either. For example, maybe I could be a great computer programmer and neither one of us knows it.

The one that’s interesting is the Blind region. Those are things that other people know about us that we don’t know about ourselves. Perhaps everyone else can see that I am inspirational, but I don’t realize it. Maybe I have a distracting habit of messing with my hair that drives everyone crazy, and I don’t even realize that I do it.

It’s important for all of us to know that we have items in the Blind region of a Johari Window. Some of them are good qualities, and some are not. Discovering those things about ourselves is revelatory! The new information can transform us. Like Shakespeare’s characters, we don’t remain static; we develop and grow. We are interesting!

Learning about ourselves is a challenge that can be exciting and gratifying. When I began my journey of self-discovery, I felt lost. I didn’t know what I liked, what my strengths were, what I liked to do, or what I wanted to accomplish.

This month, I am going to get reacquainted with myself. I hope that you will join me, and we can move a few things from the Blind region to the Open one on the Johari Window.  We want to continue to grow, change, and learn because it is a life-long process that keeps us interested and interesting.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Intentions

24 Tuesday Jan 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Fresh Start, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Tags

#achievement, #goals, #intentions, #KathySays, #progress, #resolutions, success

engage-cropped

January Series: Fresh Start

Intentions

I’ve been reading a lot about the difference between resolutions and intentions lately. Usually the author advocates for one over the other, but I believe that they are both valuable. In addition, I’ve thought about it and determined that goals and resolutions aren’t necessarily the same things. Here’s how we can use resolutions, goals, and intentions to help us succeed.

Let’s start with resolutions. Many times, resolutions are things that we want to do. For example, I could make my New Year’s resolution “I will exercise three times a week.” It’s a resolution that goes on my To Do List.

My goal would be the reason why I want to exercise three times a week. It’s important that our goals resonate with our hearts. I talked about goals at the beginning of the month and you can read that blog here: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2017/01/03/creating-goals/.

For this example, let’s say that my goals are to maintain my weight and be able to stand up from the floor while holding my granddaughter. She was four months old when she visited for Christmas, and she weighed about 15 pounds. I’m including a lot of squats in my exercise routine!

Both resolutions and goals are useful in getting us where we want to go. Now let’s add an intention. An intention is a guideline for making decisions. I like to think of it as the ruler that we hold up to any decision to see if it is in alignment with our goals and values.

For example, my intention this year is to lead a healthy life, both emotionally and physically. Any time an opportunity presents itself, I will ask, “Will doing this make me more healthy or less healthy?” There are lots of studies that show one glass of wine is healthy for you, but I’d have a hard time getting a second glass of wine past my test!

Our intentions are what help us stay on track as we go through the year and make choices. Last year, my intention was to engage. I ordered a small silver bracelet engraved with “ENGAGE.” I am a Star Trek Next Generation fan so it had an extra fun meaning; it’s what Captain Picard says when he wants the ship to get moving.

Last year, my resolution was to get out more; my goal was to create a business and personal community; and my intention was to engage. Together, the three together helped me stay on track and achieve my goal.

I have one friend whose intention was “Create More White Space.” She was feeling a little overwhelmed, and she wanted more time to relax and to be with her family. Another friend’s intention was “Create Financial Freedom.” Each time she had a choice or opportunity, her first consideration was, “Will this move me closer to financial freedom?”

One of the great things about an intention is that it’s a short-term structure to help you move ahead on a current priority. Next year, you can pick a new one! You can pick a new one each month or every six months. An intention is just a decision helper; something to remind you of what is important to you right now and what you want to achieve.

As we finish up January, it’s important to have a clear picture of where we want to go in 2017. Use resolutions, goals, and intentions to help us get there.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Creating Goals

03 Tuesday Jan 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Fresh Start, Uncategorized

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Tags

#achievement, #goals, #gratitude, #HappyNewYear, #KathySays, #perspective, #progress, Heart

2017-start

January Series: Fresh Start

I love January! A new year always feels like a new beginning to me. We get to decide who we want to be and what we want to focus on this year. We also have the opportunity to leave behind traits, mindsets, behaviors, and people that don’t support our goals for the year. It’s the time to wipe the slate clean and put up nice, new, neat lettering that clearly shows who we want to be this year.

Creating Goals (a.k.a. New Year’s Resolutions)

Happy New Year! During this time, lots of us choose to make New Year’s resolutions. These resolutions are goals; things that we want to achieve. The problem with resolutions is that we tend to start strong, but our determination slowly fades. At some point, we end up asking ourselves why we didn’t stick to our resolutions.

The actual choosing part of the goal is the most important piece. The goal must resonate with our hearts. If it is not something that we truly want, then we aren’t going to put in the hard work to achieve it. We must find the Big Why for our goal and hold onto it. Here is a link to a blog I wrote on finding your Big Why: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2015/01/19/goals-big-why-and-little-hows

Even if we really want to achieve a goal that resonates with our hearts, it sometimes still takes a little creativity to achieve it. Let’s say that becoming fit and lean is a goal that I really want to achieve. I know that I will feel healthier, have more energy, and keep up with my granddaughter better. However, I hate to run, and I detest crowded aerobics classes. In order to accomplish this goal, I need to get creative. Maybe I could learn a martial art or take a kickboxing class. Perhaps I could join a bike club. It could be that I just need to find a buddy to go walking with me. The key is to think creatively and find a way to accomplish the goal without forcing myself to do things I hate.

Sometimes heart goals need a dose of realism attached. For example, I am physically limited in the exercise that I can do. I had brain surgery in 2009 that resulted in a few tiny platinum coils of wire being inserted into my brain. Since the surgery, if I exercise enough to break a sweat, I become ill. I get nauseous and a little dizzy. For up to a week, I will have a rocking headache.

I must accept that I am never going to run a marathon or even a 5K, no matter how much I want to do so. Although those could be real, heart goals that resonate with me, I need to acknowledge who and where I am, and honor that.

Trust me, I went through a huge pity party when I first figured out that I’d recovered as much as I was going to recover. I wasn’t fond of my new normal at all. However, there wasn’t a way to change my limitations. I had to work with them ad adjust my goals accordingly. I can still reach my own highest level of fitness, but it requires creativity as well as some trial and error.

Since I usually work from home, I take short exercise breaks every hour or so. I use three pound weights and straps that attach to a door to do exercises throughout the day. The straps are in the bathroom so I do modified squats each time I go in there. I don’t break a sweat, so I can be dressed for the day. In addition to strength training, I try to walk 30 minutes each day. That gives my heart and lungs an extended workout at a pace that I can handle.

I do have fitness goals, but they are realistic goals that I can achieve without making myself ill. Setting goals that are challenging (and a little intimidating), but also within reach can be a difficult dance best done with a partner. A life coach or trusted friend can help you sort out dreams from pipe dreams. Spending time and energy on a goal that cannot happen is an exercise in frustration and a waste of time.

So here is our summary of how to achieve our goals:

1. Establish a goal that resonates with your heart.

2. Make sure it’s doable. It’s OK for the goal to feel scary and little out of your reach. However, do a firm reality check on it. One way to know if something is possible is to make sure you can do the actions needed to reach that goal. Make the goal achievable. I can’t run a 5K, but I could work up to walking one!

3. Get creative. We can overcome a lot of obstacles, both mental and physical, with a little creativity. If you feel stuck, a life coach is a great person to help you expand your awareness and create new possibilities.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

 Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

 If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Not Quite Right Syndrome

12 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Uncategorized

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Tags

#acceptance, #NotQuiteRightSyndrome, #perfection, #progress, #RenewedYou

perfection meme 3

So many of us suffer from Not Quite Right Syndrome. It kills our dreams and keeps us from moving forward in life. We don’t try new things or finish projects because we feel that they aren’t quite right. What we really mean is that they aren’t perfect. It’s normal to want to do something well or put out a good product, but if we wait around until it’s perfect we will be waiting around forever!

It’s important to start. We can’t get better at anything unless we practice it. The example I think of most often is comic strip writers. They start and we think they are good, but they continue to improve over time. Let me show you. This is the first Peanuts comic strip.

First Peanuts cartoon

It doesn’t look much like the Peanuts that we are familiar with. Charlie Brown doesn’t even have his signature zigzag on his shirt!

Here is a strip that Charles M Schulz did about 10 years later.

peanuts 10 years later

His drawing style is more sophisticated. He got better because he drew a strip just about every day for 10 years. When I think I should wait to send something out into the world because it isn’t quite right, I remember these comic strips. I know I can’t get proficient at anything unless I start doing it regularly.

Frankly, it’s why I started making weekly videos. My long-term goal is to create online leadership classes and I was very unhappy with my first attempts. I learned and got better, but realized that the only way to get really good was to practice making videos regularly. Hence, my commitment to make short weekly videos.

We don’t want to wait around for perfect, but we also don’t want to put out junk. So what’s good enough look like? My husband who was in the military for 30 years said that one of his first commanders taught him that 80% on time was better than 100% late. I like that guideline because it’s flexible enough to be useful for our purposes. Let’s start with what “late” means.

Sometimes “late” is obvious; there is a deadline or cutoff. However, sometimes we are setting the dates for personal projects. I could have continued to put off making videos, but I set myself a hard deadline of New Year’s Day. It’s good to set deadlines if none exist.

Now, what does 80% look like? We each get to decide for ourselves. The entire discussion around Not Quite Right started when I looked at the first video I published in the Renewed You series. It is absolutely not perfect. There are several things that bug the heck out of me about it. However, I decided that it was good enough. I did not want to do it again AND I wanted to hit my deadline so I went with it. It’s not nearly as embarrassing as the ones that I started with about three months ago. Those will never see the light of day! Most importantly, I learned things that will help me to get better.

My inner critic did a pretty good job of pointing out all the small issues with my first video. Our inner critics can be pretty harsh. Our outer critics, also known as friends and family, can seem pretty harsh as well. It’s important to know that both our inner and outer critics just want to keep us safe from insult and emotional injury. It’s because they care about us, and that’s important to remember. It’s OK to remind both your inner and outer critics that you are tough and you can handle any criticism that comes your way out in the big wide world and that it’s also OK if you fail. It is OK if you fail.

It takes courage and a thick skin to get out there in the world! However, I know that I would feel much worse in 10 years if I looked back and had never tried than if I looked back and saw that I failed. Regret is a terrible thing. If no one watches my videos or reads my blogs but my great, great grandchildren 100 years from now, I’m OK with that. They will know that their granny was not afraid to give it a shot and maybe that knowledge will give them courage to do the same.

——————————-

Here’s my video on Not Quite Right Syndrome: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ib0w68mzGZA

A good book on the topic is Making Ideas Happen by Scott Belsky

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