Monthly Archives: August 2020

Perfectionism: Adversary to Paradigm

25 Tuesday Aug 2020

Posted by in Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

,

perfection knight 1.2 px

For most of my life, Perfectionism was my adversary. It felt like we were fighting all the time. I envisioned us with swords and shields duking it out. Unfortunately, back then Perfectionism had the bigger sword and won most of the battles. I didn’t feel like anything that I did was good enough.

That feeling of “not good enough” led me to leave things unfinished. I didn’t write much because I never felt that it was good enough for other people to read. I cleaned the house but never felt that it was good enough for company. I avoided some careers that I didn’t feel that I could master to the level demanded by my adversary Perfectionism.

Eventually, Perfectionism didn’t even have to put out much of an effort to win. I got so used to losing and falling short of perfection that I gave up on a lot of stuff and felt like the loser that I was.

Let me clarify that; I was only losing to Perfectionism. I wasn’t really a loser in any other way, but I felt like it. However, I found a book that really resonated with me and helped me change my relationship with Perfectionism.

The book is Making Ideas Happen by Scott Belsky, and I remember one story in particular. (I don’t have the book with me at the moment, so I’m going off of what I remember.) There was a group of artists who all agreed to produce and share one piece of art a day. It could be anything!

After a year, only one person had shared one piece of art every day, and he is the one who became famous and got rich! He wasn’t necessarily the best, but he was the one that didn’t let Perfectionism convince him that his art wasn’t good enough to publish. He ignored Perfectionism every day for a year! I liked that!

I decided to redesign my relationship alliance with Perfectionism. I acknowledged that she was actually perfect, but that as a human being I was never going to be able to be perfect. Instead of an adversary, I turned Perfectionism into a paradigm – something that I wanted to strive toward. It is powerful to realize that one can get pretty close to perfection and that “almost perfect” is good enough.

I write all the time now! I’ve written a weekly blog for more than three years. I rarely believe what I write is perfect. I feel I could continue to improve each one for weeks! However, I have made a deal with myself that I will put one out each week no matter what.

I also made a deal with Perfectionism. I agreed to have an editor look over each blog to make sure that there were no glaring errors.

The result is that Perfectionism and I are both satisfied now. She is happy, up on her pedestal serving as inspiration. I am happy getting as close to the base as possible while accomplishing goals and getting stuff out the door where it can do some good.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Twenty Wishes

18 Tuesday Aug 2020

Posted by in Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

wishing star

I just finished reading an incredibly sappy romance novel – for the second time. It’s not a steamy novel; it’s a sweet one. I like it because it is full of hope, friendship, redemption, love, and new beginnings. Right about now, I could use some hope and positivity. Most of the people that I see around me look like they could, too.

Twenty Wishes is about a group of widows who meet on Valentine’s Day full of sadness and regret. They have been widows for different periods of time. Each has a unique story and a common sense of drifting without purpose.

Man, I recognize that state. Lately, it feels very easy to fall into the habit of focusing only on the next step, the next thing that needs to be done. Of course, there is nothing wrong with this way of proceeding if you have a lot to do in a short amount of time. I use that process and wrote a blog about it.

However, it stinks as a way of life. Just plodding along and only looking up long enough to see what needs to be done next is boring and disheartening. Life is better with a little fun and wishful thinking in it.

The widows in Twenty Wishes decide to add some spice into their lives when they start talking about making a list of 20 wishes. The wishes are as unique as the women. One wants to buy a car all on her own. Another wants to dance barefoot in the rain in the moonlight. Another one wants to go to Paris with someone she loves.

They only started with a couple of wishes. The power of their transformation started when they began scanning their environment for things that appealed to them. Instead of looking down, they looked up. They checked in with themselves and asked, “Do I like this? Does this sound interesting?”

As they began moving toward their wishes, they expanded their worlds. They met new people and broadened their definitions of themselves. One took belly dancing lessons, and another became a lunch buddy for a second grader. Those steps altered the courses of their lives for the better.

You can’t read the book without thinking about what your own wishes might be. I couldn’t come up with any in the beginning, but I began paying attention to the things around me and asking myself which ones piqued my interest.

The first nudge came when I was talking with a friend about languages. She said that she wanted to take a language-intensive course of study in another country. I thought, “That sounds like fun! It would be even more fun if we did it together!” We started making some loose post-COVID plans on the spot.

I have something to look forward to! There is something unique that I have never done before on my distant horizon. Truly, the pandemic does put a damper on wish fulfillment, but it is a time when wishing is needed. Wishing gives us something to look forward to and pulls our eyes up from just watching our feet take the next step.

I have about five wishes now, and I’m not in a hurry to find the rest. The looking is as much fun as the dreaming.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Outcome v. Ego

11 Tuesday Aug 2020

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

ego v outcome 1.2 K px

I was talking with someone who was quite put out with their coworkers who were refusing to wear masks. This person has immune-compromised people in their family and tries to take as few risks as possible.

After asking the coworkers several times over a few weeks to wear masks, the conversation got heated. The person said, “I have no respect for them and will not treat them with respect because they have no respect for me or my health or my family’s health.” They make a totally valid point. When we depend on others to help keep our loved ones safe, the lack of control can be infuriating.

However, getting into a battle of wills and making the confrontation personal is not going to help the situation. When we are having a difference of opinion with someone, it’s crucial that we put our personal feelings aside and focus on the outcome that we want.

In this situation, the person wants their coworkers to wear a mask, as required by the organization. It’s a rule that they are not following. If they attack their no-mask peers, they make them feel defensive. The no-mask coworkers are not going to wear a mask because it’s become a point of honor. If they wear a mask, they have lost.

As leaders, when we want someone to do something, we must not make them feel that the course of action that we want is a loss of face or honor for them. We must continue to focus on the desired outcome and not get angry or make the conflict personal.

The coworkers should follow the rules and behave with respect towards others. However, they are not, so some influencing is in order. The model of the rider, elephant, and path from the book Switch: How to Change When Change Is Hard can be useful. When facing change ourselves or when helping others through a change, we must deal with the logical rider and the emotional elephant, and we must do what we can to create a structure to ensure the desired behavior, which is the path.

mask meme

The mask meme above speaks to logic and could influence the rider. There is a reason to wear a mask, and it’s not just to protect ourselves.

A photo of the vulnerable family member could reach the noncompliant coworkers at an emotional level. A picture of a cute baby or adorable grandpa could help the coworkers make a connection and stir feelings of protection.

Finally, if all else fails, a trip to supervisors and HR is required. If logic, respect, kindness, and emotional connection do not do the trick, it’s time to create consequences for unacceptable behavior. This is the path part of the model. We could consider continuing gentle reminders as part of the path, as well, but since it hasn’t worked yet, it probably won’t in this case.

We achieve the goals that we want by keeping those goals in mind and our egos in check. No matter how much someone deserves a piece of our minds, we must instead use our influence on their logic and emotions. Finally, when we can, we create consequences for their actions that are as impartial and fair as possible. What we don’t want to do is create a personal battle.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Dealing with Overwhelm

04 Tuesday Aug 2020

Posted by in Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , ,

overwhelmed 1.2K px

I will confess that I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I’m preparing welcome boxes for the 18 participants of my first-ever completely virtual leadership series, packing for a three-month stay in Austin, writing this blog, and getting my condo ready for guests to stay here while I am gone.

When I have a long way to go and a short time to get there, I begin by making a list of things that have to be done. The first step is a brain dump. Everything that is cluttering my mind goes down on paper.

Next, I put the tasks in priority order. Once I have a list of things to do, from most important and time-sensitive to least, I start moving. The trick is to only focus on one thing at a time. No emotional energy goes into hemming or hawing about what is the next best thing to do.

I also take a lot of deep breaths to stay calm. I want to move quickly, but not hurriedly. Wasting emotional pennies on feeling rushed isn’t helping the situation. I can do this by practicing some mindfulness. I focus on whatever I am doing right now. No thoughts of what still needs to be done or feelings of overwhelm are allowed. The only thing in my mind is what I am doing in this moment. And when I’m done with that task, I move on to the next thing on the list. Staying mindful turns a forced march into a brisk, intentional walk, which is much more sustainable.

For my current tasks, printing off the handouts for the welcome boxes and ordering items to include in it were first. Then I began to lay everything out across the living room floor and dining room table. Next, I began assembling the boxes. Currently, they are all filled and waiting for bubble wrap, sealing, and labeling.

I am also facing the effects of Hurricane Isaias, which has led me to switch up my priorities. I paused on leadership welcome kits so I could pack and load the car before the deluge hits. At 6 pm, I will stop packing and loading and finish off the welcome boxes. They will go in the car tonight so I can go to the post office first thing in the morning, when I will mail the welcome kits and ask them to forward my mail.

The great thing about prioritizing is that I do get the most important stuff done. There is only so much time between now and when I must be on the road. There is a chance that I will run out of time and not get everything on the list completed – and that’s okay! I’m a human who needs sleep before I can drive for hours on end. Not stressing or feeling overwhelmed also helps me stay fresh for the long drive.

Leaders often face time challenges. There are many responsibilities and tasks that pull on our attention. We can maintain a calm demeanor and manageable life by mastering the skill of prioritizing and then staying in the current moment by practicing mindfulness.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.