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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: April 2019

Working at Renewal

30 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Mindfulness, Positivity

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#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #mindfulness, #renewal, Emotional Intelligence, Heart, Meditation, Mindfulness, Positivity

I had a revelation while meditating one morning.  It wasn’t a World-Altering Revelation.  It was more of a Well-That-Will-Make-Life-Better Revelation.  Frankly, I have those pretty often because I’m a thinker, an analyzer, a how-can-we-make-this-easier kind of person who usually has her brain turned on and in high gear.

I don’t meditate as regularly as I’d like, but I’m working on it in light of research by Richard Boyatzis, coauthor of Primal Leadership.  He found that one of the antidotes for leadership burnout is mindfulness and that can be achieved with meditation.  (In case you are wondering, the other avenues of renewal are compassion, playfulness, and hope.)  The key in all categories of renewal is that you must do at least one from any category EVERY DAY!  You have to work at rejuvenation!

Well, that isn’t exactly true and the idea of “working” at meditation was altered by my morning revelation.  I’ve always looked at meditation as an exercise in self-discipline and mind control.  The goal is a sort of Vulcan-like ability to stay laser-focused during meditation.  The result is the ability to carry that focus and calm out into the world.  Don’t get me wrong, self-discipline is important; it’s one of the major pieces of Emotional Intelligence, but it wasn’t helping me on the renewal front as a way to meditate.  Convincing my brain to sit still and be quiet is exhausting, not rejuvenating!

I discovered my new way of viewing meditation by accident.  I was trying different mantras and imagined what words or sounds my leadership series participants would come up with if I had them do this exercise with me.  With each inflow and outflow of breath, I could hear them thinking, “Hate…… this” or “Help….. me.”  They have resisted my meditation exercises in the past.

Then I started thinking of things I could suggest to them instead.  I started with:  “Love…. Joy,” “Peace…. Harmony,” “Calm…. Life.”  Then I started getting silly: “Puppies…. Kittens,” “Sweet-smelling….. Babies,” “Brilliant… flowers.”  I was reminded of the pictures that I flashed up on the big screen during one of our sessions.  I showed them cute puppies, adorable babies, alluring kittens, and beautiful flowers to let them feel a Positive Emotional Attractor state (PEA) – a term used by Boyatzis to describe a state when we are more open to influence and more creative.  I’ve called it “Finding Your Happy Place” in the past, but now I think it’s more accurate to describe it as “Relaxing Into Your Happy Place.”

 

It occurred to me that getting into the PEA was the real fuel for renewal.  I felt lighter, happier, and more relaxed as I continued to visualize happy thoughts. I maintained the focus on the feelings I was having, and it felt like I was activating my heart.  I like that phrase – activating your heart.

The lovely side effect of activating the heart is that it deactivates the brain.  When I focus on feeling, it’s really hard to think.  What I realized is that for meditation to have a regenerative effect for me, it must be an exercise in feeling and activating the heart.  Once my heart is in the driver’s seat, my brain really can get some rest and that results in me being a calmer, nicer person.

Now that I think about it, this revelation could lead to a more positive world if we all managed to improve our outlook and increase our positivity through heart-activating meditation.  Maybe it was a World-Altering Revelation after all.

Compartmentalization

23 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership

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#compartmentalize, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #Ka#sthySays

In a leadership workshop, we had a conversation about whether compartmentalization is a good or bad thing. We discussed some interesting perspectives.

To start, let’s define what we mean by compartmentalization. When we compartmentalize, we separate objects, feelings, thoughts, or information into isolated compartments or categories. For example, I love going to The Container Store because it offers me all sorts of ways to organize the items in my life. I can separate the jumbled items in my bathroom drawer so that they are all easy to find. I am a fan of compartmentalization for items.

Information can be organized and compartmentalized for ease of retrieval and use. Databases and an organized computer desktop, for example, can make our lives much easier.

I think compartmentalization that happens outside of ourselves is good for the most part. By separating items and information into categories, we find them more easily. We require less hunting and brain power. It lowers our use of emotional pennies, which is always a good thing.

What about the internal compartmentalization that we do? It can be a healthy practice to keep our work separate from our home life. I remember reading about a man who stopped at a tree in his front yard each day when he arrived home from work. He pantomimed taking a large necklace off himself and placing it on the branch of a tree. He was mentally taking the worries and responsibilities of the day from himself and leaving them outside so they didn’t affect his time with his family. That’s a great practice!

How about the other way around? Can we leave all our home life at the door when we go to work? The answer is “not entirely.” When we refuse to share anything about our lives and our interests, we inhibit our ability to create positive relationships with people at work. We make it more difficult to create trust with our coworkers. We don’t have to share everything from home at work, but we do need to share a bit of ourselves with others.

Actually, we don’t want to share everything! We want to stay appropriate and professional. When I was in the throes of my divorce, I was in a lot of emotional turmoil. I didn’t need to share the depth of my despair or details of my personal life with participants in my workshops. It wouldn’t help them learn; it would, in fact, have been a distraction. I did tell them what was going on at the highest level that I could manage because I share stories about myself in workshops. I did not, however, share details of the situation or my emotions.

As a leader, it can be difficult to know how much to compartmentalize. Neither extreme is good for building positive work relationships. We can’t keep our lives completely to ourselves, and we don’t want to share every detail. We must find the place on the spectrum that is appropriate for us and the culture of our workplace.

Now let’s talk about when it isn’t appropriate to compartmentalize. This discussion requires us to go back to the concept of the 3rd Entity. Two or more people make us a system. This system or relationship is called the 3rd Entity in systems coaching. As a member of the system, everything that I think and feel is a part of the system. If I hold back, I am keeping something relevant to the 3rd Entity to myself.

Let’s look at an example. Let’s say that I am a member of a customer service team. I feel that we are not using the correct criteria to provide our customer service. Our conversations are timed, and we have little authority to make things right for a customer. I feel that we would be more effective if we weren’t in a rush and had some leeway on what we could offer customers. However, I keep my thoughts to myself. I am angry about the limitations, and my teammates can see my anger but don’t know what it is about.

I am compartmentalizing my anger – stuffing it down into a compartment of sorts and not talking about it. However, the anger is still present, and the system can’t do anything about it because it doesn’t know what is wrong. If the feeling, thought, idea, or information is relevant to the system, the system should know about it. If I share my thoughts and feelings, the system, my team, can then react. They may not make all the changes that I want, but by listening and sharing in a professional way, we increase the positivity of our relationship. Transparency rather than compartmentalization is usually the most effective way to keep a system (a.k.a. organization) performing at its best.

Leadership is an art, not a science. As leaders we are constantly making decisions that affect the individuals in our organization and the organization itself. How much to compartmentalize is one of those difficult decisions. Asking whether or not a potential action will benefit only us or also help the 3rd Entity in question is always a good place to start.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

The 3rd Entity

16 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Systems Coaching

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#3rdEntity, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #relationshipsuccess, #systemscoaching

One of the ways that I pass the time when I am sick is to watch video clips on Facebook. I mostly watch bits of The Big Bang Theory and talk shows. One evening, I ran across an interview with Henry Winkler, who was talking about having been married for 40 years. The host asked Winkler for advice that he could offer. Winkler gave a brilliant two-item list.

First, he said, “You have to have the will. You have to want the marriage to work.” It’s a concept that I’ve been discussing in leadership workshops lately. In systems coaching, we call it caring about the 3rd Entity.

Two or more people together create a system. Their relationship, which we call the 3rd Entity, is completely unique to that group of people. It makes sense if you think about two people. Person A has needs, wants, and concerns. Person B has needs, wants, and concerns. Their relationship is the third piece of their system. The 3rd Entity (a.k.a. system and relationship) has its own needs, wants, and concerns.

Something might be great for Person A, but it’s important to also ask if it’s great for Person B. Even more important is to ask if it’s great for the 3rd Entity. In other words, would that something help or hurt the relationship?

For a system to work, everyone in the system must care about the health of the system. For example, if I am in an organization and I’m only concerned with my own well-being, I am not an asset to the organization. In that scenario, I only care about myself. I don’t give a hoot about the health of the 3rd Entity. Honestly, people with that sort of attitude are a huge detriment to the success of any group.

If we look at it from Winkler’s perspective, a marriage cannot work unless both people truly care about the health of the relationship and are willing to put its needs above their own when necessary. If one spouse doesn’t care about the marriage – doesn’t have the will or determination to work at maintaining it – then the marriage is doomed.

The second item that Winker listed was “ears.” He went on to explain that we say something to our spouses and think we are being clear in what we mean. However, the listening person often interprets the words differently. Winkler said that the listening spouse’s interpretation is the one that is valid. The speaker must accept that the intended message did not land as desired and that the interpretation is what the conversation must use as a foundation moving forward.

Many times we intend for our words to have a certain effect, but they don’t. For example, we could say something that is meant to be encouraging, but it’s taken to be patronizing. We think we are being clear, but our message can be interpreted in several different ways. There is a disconnect between our intent and the true outcome.

As a result, we want to be aware of people’s reactions to our words. If the reaction is not what we would expect given our intent, we need to ask the person what is going on for him or her. We notice by paying attention to people’s nonverbal communication. Nonverbal communication includes facial expression, tone of voice, and body language. Any time that you’re getting a verbal or nonverbal message that doesn’t seem appropriate, check on it with the person.

I agree with Winkler’s assessment of the importance of accepting that the outcome of our words is not always in alignment with our intent. The relationship/system/3rd Entity cannot stay healthy unless each individual in it feels heard and valued.

He actually summarized the balance of systems coaching really well. We must protect and value both the 3rd Entity and the individuals of which it is comprised.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Horton the Elephant: Leadership Role Model

09 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership

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#consistency, #HortonRules, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #StandUpTechnique

For the last week or so, I’ve helped take care of my grandchildren. I have a spirited granddaughter who is two years old. Her mother takes a parenting class, and after the last class, she wanted to set up a game plan. I’m usually game for a good game plan and I do try to stay consistent with their parenting standards.

She said that the goal of the week was to immediately follow up on any request made of my granddaughter that was ignored. We had all gotten into the habit of telling her something several times before standing up and ensuring that she did it.

It is a parenting technique that I believe in whole-heartedly. Her comments reminded me of my resolve when my children were little to make sure that there was no question about whether or not I meant something when I said it.

I went to playgroups and saw other moms who didn’t back up what they said. They sat in the same spot and said, “Honey, don’t do that” over and over while Honey continued to do as she pleased. Honey knew her mom wasn’t standing up, I knew it, everyone in the room knew it, people passing by knew it as did their dogs. There was no reason for Honey to stop because there were never going to be any consequences. Honey’s Mom was never going to stand up. I call getting up immediately when an instruction is ignored the Stand Up Technique.

The Stand Up Technique also applies to great leadership. As leaders, we must be ready to follow up on the tasks we assign. If it becomes apparent to everyone that we are going to ask people to do things and then never make sure those things are done, it becomes highly unlikely that the things will get done. Why should anyone bother when everyone knows that the leader is not going to Stand Up and make sure that there are consequences for tasks left undone?

It is time intensive in the beginning to ensure everyone knows that you mean business. I tell the following story in leadership workshops. Back when circuses kept elephants in chains, handlers put small elephants in big metal cuffs with thick chains attached to long spikes. The baby elephant would try and try to get free but gives up after a while. When the elephant was grown, its handlers could use a small cuff, chain, and spike. The elephant didn’t believe that there is a point in trying to get away. We want to give everyone around us that same impression.

If we begin by ensuring all tasks are done and then administering consequences when they are not, we let everyone know that there is no point in trying to get away with not doing things. They begin to feel confident that we will always check up on things and give consequences as appropriate. After a while, no one even considers not doing a task. What’s the point? Like the large elephant, they’ve decided that resistance is futile.

I feel a need to point out that “following up” and “giving appropriate consequences” does not mean yelling or shaming. We want everyone who works with us to be successful, and that is the mindset that we bring into every conversation. We also want to be respectful of others all the time!

Using the Stand Up Technique also gives us, as leaders, a good yardstick for our words. If I ask someone to do something, am I willing to follow through and do what needs to be done to ensure my request is completed? If not, I should keep my mouth shut. I ruin my credibility if don’t see things through to the end.

I am reminded of a statement by Horton the Elephant in Horton Hatches the Egg. He tells the terrible mother Mayzie that he will sit on her egg and protect it. Through a series of challenges that include hunters, Horton refuses to give up the egg. He says, “I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful one hundred percent.” We all need to be elephants in that we are one hundred percent faithful to the words that we speak.

The first question we should ask is “Does it matter?” Does it matter if someone does it his or her own way? Does it matter if they fail? Does it matter if that task is done at all? If the answer is “Not really” or “Only to me,” let it go.

Marshall Goldsmith lists a couple of good questions to ask ourselves in Triggers: “Will my input improve this situation?” and “Am I truly helping or trying to prove how smart I am?” Asking ourselves these questions can get us to pause and be selective about the tasks that we assign and the things that we say.

The bottom line is that everyone, both children and adults, will take our requests to heart if we mean what we say and ensure that we said what we meant. Horton is a great role model.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Slowing Your Roles

02 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership

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#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #Ka#sthySays, #roles, #systemscoaching

By email, I get daily meditations from Richard Rohr, who is a Franciscan friar ordained to the priesthood of the Roman Catholic Church. I am not Catholic, but I like his ideas and perspectives. Some I agree with, and all of them make me think. I like anyone who inspires me to stop and think about big ideas.

In one daily meditation, he talked about the roles that we take on in life. Across our lives, we can be a parent, student, spouse, friend, and worker. We talk about roles in systems coaching. In a system, which is a group of people, we all have roles.

One type of role is a positional role. I could be the boss or the accountant in an organization, perhaps both. In my family, I am the mother, grandmother, and mother-in-law. Other people within our system, and without, recognize the positional role that we embody.

Moving from one role to another can be difficult, even if it’s a change that we welcome. When my children left home, I went from full-time mother to long-distance mother. Still a mom, but an enormous shift of the heart and different use of time. When I divorced, I went from wife to divorcee. Honestly, the first time someone called me a divorcee, I felt like I’d been sucker-punched. There was a huge life shift in that change.

However, neither of those role changes are as difficult as the one that soldiers coming home from war face. Rohr wrote about what the Japanese did for their returning soldiers at the close of World War II. These men had been “loyal soldiers” for most of their lives; it was their identity. Now they needed a different role to embody.

The Japanese communities created a ceremony in which soldiers were publicly thanked and praised for their service to the people. After being honored, an elder would announce, “The war is now over! The community needs you to let go of what has served you and us well up to now. We now need you to return as a parent, a partner, a friend, a mentor – something beyond a soldier.” Rohr calls this process “discharging your loyal soldier.”

In systems coaching, we recognize the importance of honoring a person for who they are now. We call it “stroking the primary.” I know, weird term. It makes me think of stroking a puppy while telling her what a good dog she is. In truth, that is a good metaphor. We are recognizing and honoring the person for the role that they currently play or one they are grieving the loss of.

For example, retiring can be a huge challenge for people whose identity comes primarily from work. Imagine an executive whose opinions are valued highly, who has power and influence over others, and who is respected as a success in his or her field. Slipping off into retirement to become a “common” person without power and influence sounds like a terrible thing.

A first step is what we usually do for people retiring. We give them a party. We honor them and remember the contributions that they have made to our organization. Like the loyal soldiers, they are thanked profusely for their dedication.

Not every role change comes with a party. When my boys went off into the world on their own, no one threw me a Great Mom party. The kids didn’t stand around telling me how much they appreciated all that I did for them. I wasn’t remembered by teachers that I had helped or other children for my contributions to them through my volunteer activities, such as Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts. I was left to quietly struggle to shed the old role on my own.

We should celebrate moving from one role to another! We can throw our own party or create our own ceremony. I have divorced friends who struggle to switch to the role of divorcee. I could throw them a party or help them create a goodbye ceremony. It would be like the ceremony of discharging the loyal soldier. We would honor them for all their accomplishments as a spouse, recognize their sacrifices, and celebrate who they were.

For soldiers, executives, moms, and spouses, the next part is difficult. After shedding the old role, we get to decide who we are going to be now. Rohr says that the first part of our lives is doing. We do things to fulfill the roles that we take on. Later in life, we get to focus more on being. The question is not “What do I do now?” The question is “Who do I want to be now?”

Without that question, we can unintentionally become a victim. We can feel lost. There is always a grieving process when we lose something. Losing who we are is particularly painful and unsettling, especially if the change is beyond our control. Organizations make us retire, spouses don’t want to be with us anymore, children grow up – all beyond our control. Yet, we can control who we become next.

The trick, I think, is to intentionally decide who we are going to be. After my children left, I decided that I was going to focus on my career completely and find things that I enjoyed doing. I was going to be engaged in life and interested in learning.

There were some to-do’s in my list, but remembering the kind of person that I wanted to be kept me on track. I wanted to be positive. I wanted to contribute to the world in a positive way with every interaction. I wanted to be whole and happy.

When snakes shed an old skin, underneath they are the same. They have the same patterns and colors that they did before. We aren’t like that. We have the luxury to decide what we are going to look like after we shed an old role. The important thing is to consciously decide what the new us will look like – who the new us will be.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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