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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Category Archives: #Communication

Holiday Conversation Outline

08 Tuesday Dec 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Effective Conflict, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#holidayconversationoutline, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #stressfreeholidayconversations

holiday conversation outline

It’s time to revisit the Holiday Conversation Outline! It feels especially important this year to poiint out that we can talk to family and friends without trying to convince anyone (or be convinced) that one particular perspective or idea is “right.”

I’ve talked about an effective outline for conversations in the past. Discussions at work usually require some sort of agreement. Many personal conversations do, as well.

However, holiday discussions over a family meal rarely require agreement and an action plan to move forward. Keeping this in mind can help us create a peaceful and enjoyable holiday.

Let’s go through a holiday version of the Conversation Outline.

Opening. The opening happens when one person brings up a topic. When acting in a leadership position, we want to make sure the topic is focused and clear. Holiday openings made by anyone at the table can be a messier affair.

We can help to start the conversation in a positive way by avoiding assumptions and getting curious. If Aunt Joan says, “People with tattoos shouldn’t be allowed to get food stamps,” she is opening a conversation. Instead of disagreeing immediately and assuming what she means by that comment, we could better serve the group by getting curious.

We could ask, “Aunt Joan, what connection is there between tattoos and receiving food stamps?” Now, our nonverbals our key here. If we ask with the slightest hint of sarcasm or disapproval, all is lost! Curiosity is our guiding light. Why does she think there is a link between tattoos and food stamps? Don’t make assumptions. Ask!

Once we have a clearer picture of her objection, we have our topic of conversation.

Discover and Share. This is the most important step in a conversation. We often skip this step and move straight to positional arguing about the best thing to do.

In Discover and Share, we take time to listen fully by being completely present and listening for understanding. We pay attention to the words being said, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. We are curious about everything and ask a lot of questions.

It’s very important to be curious about both the fact and feeling parts of another person’s stance. We usually focus solely on the facts. We can get a lot further along in knowing another person if we ask about their feelings, as well. We could say to Aunt Joan, “This topic seems to make you angry. What about this makes you mad?” Many of our most closely held beliefs aren’t logical and can’t be swayed by logical arguments. Understanding a person’s feelings is the key to understanding the person.

During holiday gatherings, we can keep the sharing part to a minimum. It’s imperative that we keep in mind that we are not trying to change anyone’s mind about anything. We are listening to understand and creating positive relationships. If we manage to offer a perspective the other person hasn’t thought about, it’s a bonus – but not the goal.

The chances of changing Aunt Joan’s mind are minimal at this point. We are giving her the gift of our attention. The greatest gift that we can give is our time and attention. We like to be seen and heard but don’t often feel like we are in the spotlight of someone’s attention.

Develop Solutions. In business, we begin brainstorming once we have all the facts and feelings on the table. First, we do some divergent thinking and come up with as many solutions as possible. Then we begin to narrow our choices by deciding which ones are practical, useful, and truly help the group as a whole.

With family and friends, we can participate in this step if everyone else thinks it will be fun. Coming up with outlandish possibilities to challenges discussed can be enjoyable. It can also be a nightmare. If we start handing possible solutions to Aunt Joan, who is an argumentative person, she is likely to get defensive.

During this phase when acting as a leader, it’s important to continually ask what is best for the people involved in the decision – whether that is a couple, a team, a family, or an organization. Developing Solutions at a holiday gathering is COMPLETELY OPTIONAL.

Agree. Ignore this step entirely! Most holiday discussions at the dinner table do not require agreement. Accept that families can offer us some of the best opportunities for personal growth. We get to practice letting others be themselves without any effort on our part to change them. Remember, the chair is a chair.  One conversation with us isn’t going to transform Aunt Joan into an open-minded, empathetic person. We get to practice listening to her fully and allowing her to be who she chooses to be.

Close. If we did need to agree on how to move forward, we would now check to make sure that everyone was on board, and we would explicitly state the agreement. Since we didn’t require agreement, we don’t have anything to clarify.

However, we can close by summarizing what we learned about the other person’s feelings and perspective.

The Discover and Share step of the conversation is the most important step. Holiday gatherings give us the chance to practice being curious without the pressure of coming to an agreement.

Bonus: We create a more positive relationship with friends and family. Our holiday gift to the world can be to make each person we talk with feel listened to, understood, and respected.

If we continue to practice curiousity and active listening in 2021, we participate in the gift that keeps on giving.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

The Four Communication Toxins

14 Tuesday Jan 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Effective Conflict, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#communicationtoxins, #effectiveconflict #conflictresolution #positive disagreements, #fourhorsemenoftheapocalypse, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays

four horsemen 1K px

John Gottman is one of my favorite relationship researchers. In the ‘70s, when therapists were having couples whack each other with foam bats to alleviate aggression, he actually researched the effects of bopping each other. They weren’t good. As it turns out, once you start hitting someone, you feel more angry and aggressive. Makes sense to me. He probably saved a lot of people from some serious marital problems.

I’ve taken a series of seminars from Dr. Gottman and his wife. They’ve been researching couples for decades. He said that they couldn’t define a healthy relationship because they are so varied. There are, however, markers for relationships that are in trouble.

One set of markers has to do with how couples communicate with one another. He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because they are so damaging to relationships.

I use a lot of Gottman’s research in my leadership workshops because the ultimate goal of an exceptional leader is to create positive relationships. Gottman’s findings apply to all types of relationships, not just romantic ones.

In leadership workshops, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse become Communications Toxins. It’s a less intimidating and more descriptive name for the four ways that people communicate that cause damage to relationships. Let’s look at them one at a time.

The first Communication Toxin is criticism. We all have grievances to air with others, but how we relay the information makes all the difference. Gottman differentiates between a complaint and criticism. A complaint specifically states an action with which we have a problem. We amp that complaint up to criticism when we add on negative words about the person to whom we are complaining.

Here are a few examples from Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

Complaint: There’s no gas in the car. Why didn’t you fill it up like you said you would?

Criticism: Why can’t you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank, and you didn’t.

Complaint: You were supposed to check with me before inviting anyone over for dinner. I wanted to spend time alone with you tonight.

Criticism: Why do you keep putting your friends ahead of me? I always come last on your list. We were supposed to have dinner alone tonight.

Criticism includes blame and casts aspersions on the other person’s character.

The second Communication Toxin is contempt. Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor are all forms of contempt. Contempt is the most damaging of the toxins because using it conveys a feeling of disgust for the other person.

When using contempt, a person’s goal is not resolution of the problem. Their goal is to make the other person feel incompetent and blameworthy. In essence, it’s a campaign to demean the other person.

Here is an example of contempt from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

“We’re paying through the nose for your car, and you can’t be bothered to wash it. I think that’s outrageous. I think that’s probably the most spoiled thing that you do.”

This spouse is not just complaining about how his or her partner spends money. They are accusing the partner of the moral deficiency of being spoiled.

I assure you that using contempt is never a part of exemplary leadership. The goal of an extraordinary leader is to build positive relationships, not make people feel small and worthless. I often talk about the damaging effects of sarcasm in the workplace. We cannot use sarcasm without demeaning a person or organization.

The third Communication Toxin is defensiveness. Not getting defensive is a tough test for the ego, but Gottman contends that any attempt to defend yourself or your position only raises the level of tension. Defensiveness does not help to resolve the conflict.

Gottman says that the antidote for defensiveness is to accept responsibility for some of the problem. Here is an example from his latest book (and my favorite), What Makes Love Last?:

Contempt: “You’re such a slob – you should’ve cleaned this up!”

Defensiveness: “I couldn’t find the sponge. Where did you stash it this time?”

He doesn’t give any positive options in either book, but here is a possibility: “I apologize for not cleaning that up right away. I got sidetracked when I couldn’t find the sponge. Do you know where it is?”

We defuse criticism and contempt when we accept some responsibility for the challenge at hand, which can be very difficult. When under attack, our immediate and understandable response is to defend ourselves at the very least. It takes a great deal of self-control and emotional intelligence not to show righteous indignation, act like a put-upon victim, or launch a counterattack.

The fourth and final Communication Toxin is stonewalling. Normally in a conversation, we give signals that we are listening. We nod our heads, mutter an assent, or maintain eye contact. When we are stonewalling, we give no nonverbal signals that we are listening. We check out of the conversation and refuse to engage. It is an avoidance technique.

Often, we stonewall because we’ve become overwhelmed by the disagreement. Gottman calls it “flooding.” When we are flooded, we’ve gone into fight-or-flight mode. Our bodies are actually flooded with a mixture of hormones that makes it difficult for us to be creative, listen with empathy, problem-solve, or even think clearly. We become impassive like stone walls to protect ourselves.

If someone is stonewalling because they are flooded, it’s best to walk away and let them calm down. No empathetic statements or attempts to soothe will get through.

The four Communication Toxins will be present in all relationships, whether personal or professional. They do not appear in a certain order. Gottman says that they perform more like a relay race, handing the baton off to one another as an argument races forward.

Our job as leaders is to minimize our use of the Communication Toxins, which takes quite a bit of self-awareness and self-discipline. We can also recognize when others use them and minimize their effects.

The best antidote to all of the Communication Toxins is curiosity. When we get curious and ask thoughtful questions about both the fact and feeling part of an issue, we are meeting people’s personal needs to be listened to, understood, and respected. Once that happens, they usually calm down and communicate more effectively.

Of course, there are people who are dead-set on winning or creating discord. In the workplace, we coach them on their behavior because it can seriously disrupt the effectiveness of a group or team. If our team doesn’t feel free to express an opinion for fear of being on the receiving end of criticism or contempt, psychological safety is not present. Remember, psychological safety is the key to high performance.

Here is a final quote from What Makes Love Last?:

“Earlier in my career, I thought that if couples learned to avoid the Four Horsemen, they would automatically communicate in positive ways that would allow love to flourish. This is not the case. Defeating the Four Horsemen will not be enough to resolve all of a couple’s problems. That can be achieved only by healing and reestablishing mutual trust.”

Yep, trust is still the foundation of positive relationships, psychological safety, and effective teams. How we communicate matters, but not as much as being trustworthy.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Silver-lining

17 Tuesday Dec 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#holidayconversations, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #listeiningisthebestgift, #silver-lining

silver-lining 600 px

People in my immediate world, including me, have been quite sick for the past few weeks, so I’m practicing some holiday self-care and reposting a blog that will be useful in our holiday interactions.

In many of my holiday memories, there was a lot of silver-lining going on. We do it for several reasons. One is that we care about people and want to cheer them up. Another is that we aren’t comfortable talking about uncomfortable emotions. We also just don’t want to focus on “negative” stuff.

Take a breath, and dive into your holiday conversations using the examples and tools below. One of the best gifts that we can give someone is to make them feel seen and heard. It really can make all the difference in a person’s life.

May your holidays be filled with joy, peace, and understanding!

Warmly, Kathy

Brené Brown turned silver-lining into a verb in a video on sympathy vs. empathy. You can watch it [here] [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw] if you are interested. I love her discussion on silver-lining things.

When someone is upset about a situation, we want to make them feel better. It’s a natural reaction, but not always a helpful one. Sometimes we feel compelled to show them the bright side of a situation – also not really helpful. When we do that, we are silver-lining. A tip-off that we are silver-lining someone are the words “At least.”

For example, let’s say that I am expressing frustration about not getting a gig after spending a lot of time on writing a proposal. The people listening want to cheer me up and make me feel better. They might say, “Well, at least you still have your health” or “At least you still have that other job that you are working on.” Both true perhaps, but the statements are not going to improve the situation or make me feel better.

After I watched Brown’s video, I started noticing a lot of silver-lining going on. A friend and fellow coach with a soft and nurturing heart who doesn’t like to see people suffering was the first person I noticed. She called me when I was seven hours into an eight-and-a-half hour drive. She asked me how much further I had to go, and I told her. Her answer was, “At least you only have an hour and a half to go.”

I felt like smacking her upside the head. I wouldn’t ever, but I felt like it. Her statement made me angry. The point was that I had an entire hour and a half of torture left! I was tired, and my back hurt. I was bored and felt like I couldn’t take another moment in the car. Her silver-lining had totally dismissed my feelings and situation. Her statement had the exact opposite effect of what she intended.

My friend was the first person who I thought of and noticed, but I should have seen myself first because I am also guilty of silver-lining! I am a champion at silver-lining, especially with my children. They complain or share a frustration, and I want to show them that things are not that bad. I will say something like, “At least you have friends you enjoy at work” or “At least you have a car that runs.” Ack! I’m working to never silver-lining them again.

I noticed silver-lining again in a leadership workshop. We were talking about communication toxins. Small groups were creating skits to show each toxin and an antidote for each. Communication toxins are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, in case you are curious. They come from John Gottman’s research on couples.

I heard a lot of “At least” when they were creating their skits. We stopped and talked about better ways to deal with the toxins and, in general, situations when people were feeling some negative emotions.

The first step is to identify and acknowledge the feeling that the person is experiencing. Susan David, author of Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life, advocates facing all of our feelings, even the uncomfortable ones. Before we can face them, though, we have to name them.

In coaching, after naming an emotion, we normalize it. It’s important for all of us to be reminded that it’s normal and acceptable to feel some of what are termed “negative” emotions. In truth, emotions are just emotions. They are not inherently good or bad, positive or negative. Our emotions are natural reactions to events.

Now, we can control our emotional reactions to some degree, but that’s a different conversation. Now we are just naming and normalizing. Remember that silver-lining does not help someone reframe a situation or feel better; it’s not the solution.

Let’s go back to my road trip example. I sigh and say I have an hour and a half to go of an eight-hour drive. One good response could be, “That is a really long drive. I bet you are tired.” I might respond with something like, “I am tired! My back is sore, and I am so bored that I can’t stand it.”

At this point, most of us want to send a solution like “Why don’t you listen to an audiobook?” or silver-lining the situation with “At least most of the drive is behind you.” Resist!

It’s time to normalize and help them name and accept the emotions that they are feeling. We might say, “Of course you are tired! You’ve been sitting and focusing on driving for hours!” Hearing that kind of response makes us relax because we feel seen and heard.

Naming and normalizing emotions can also open the door to furthering the conversation. Once I feel that someone is listening and empathizing, I might say, “Long drives are terrible – and my children live so far away.” I’ve shared something else that is troubling my mind as I drive hour after hour.

Once again we are presented with the temptation to do some silver-lining because we want to make people feel better. We don’t want to say, “At least you get to see them every few months.” Instead, we want to name and normalize again by saying something like “It is frustrating that they aren’t closer to you.” No solutions or silver-lining – only listening and empathizing.

When we silver-lining people, we create resistance and an adversarial conversation. They feel compelled to defend the emotions that they are feeling. They don’t feel listened to or understood. Remember my gut reaction when my friend said, “At least you only have an hour and a half left.” I was immediately angry.

When we acknowledge the feelings and listen, we let people know that their feelings are valid and normal. We also let them know that we value them enough to really listen to them in order to understand what they are feeling. Our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. When we meet those needs, we help others relax into their situations, gain some perspective, and maybe find a solution.

Or maybe they just feel better because they aren’t alone with their feelings. Empathy, rather than silver-lining, goes a long way towards creating positive relationships, which are the hallmark of great leadership and a happy life.

(And a joyous holiday season!)


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Imagery Is the Lighthouse of Great Leadership

17 Tuesday Sep 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#dogsled, #imagery, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #lighthouse

leadership imagery lighthouse 1K pix

One of the ways to inspire people is to use imagery. Imagery also makes ideas and concepts easier to understand.

We create imagery using analogies, metaphors, and similes. Frankly, I look up the definition of these terms every time I write about them, and I still can’t keep them straight. Let’s just say that we inspire others when we use imagery to show them how one thing is like another.

Here is some imagery that I use to show the importance of a leader having a clear vision and getting everyone to move toward that vision.

dog sled 1

This is a dog sled with the dogs arranged in a gangline team configuration. It’s the one with which we are most familiar. However, if the terrain is rough and the dogs need to be able to avoid obstacles and rough ice, the musher will arrange the dogs in a fan hitch, pictured below.

dog sled 2

The fan hitch allows the dogs more freedom and flexibility, which is the same thing that great leaders give their employees. It’s an ideal arrangement as long as the musher or leader can keep everyone pulling in the same direction. You can imagine the loss of direction for the entire team if one dog pulls off in a 90-degree angle from the rest of the pack. One troublesome employee can have the same effect.

That imagery helps to show the importance of a leader having a direction, clearly communicating that vision, and ensuring that everyone is working toward that goal. We can clearly see how one employee can derail momentum, efficiency, and success.

When trying to make a point or explain an idea, we can think of what imagery might illustrate the concept. We can start by asking how this situation is similar to another one.

The title of this blog compares imagery to a lighthouse. Why do you think that I picked a lighthouse? A lighthouse shines a bright light out into the darkness. The light both guides boats towards home and warns them off of a rocky coast. If a crew is lost and unsure of where to go, the beam from a lighthouse is a welcome sight.

Actually, I often think of myself and my work as a lighthouse. I want to hold up a shining example for leaders to strive for, and also warn them off of behaviors that are unproductive or harmful. I want to create hope and direction in a world that is often murky and confusing. The imagery of my work as a lighthouse helps me stay motivated and on-track.

What imagery would help you and your organization stay motivated and moving in a positive direction? I’d love to hear your ideas!


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

The Three Choices in Every Situation

30 Tuesday Jul 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #threechoices

three cupcakes cropped 600 px

When faced with a situation, we have three choices:

  1. Accept the situation as it is
  2. Try and change the situation
  3. Flee

The choice that we pick will depend on the circumstances. Let’s say that I have a tedious boss who drives me crazy. I could decide to accept the situation. I love what I do, and my co-workers rock. I can accept meddling now and then from a micromanaging boss. Or perhaps I really need this job for now, and I can use mindfulness and positivity to help me manage my emotions.

However, if my boss is overbearing and making my life miserable every day, it might be a challenge to my mental health. The second choice is to try and change the situation. Maybe I could ask for a one-on-one discussion with her. I could use some of my stellar communication skills to find the fact and feeling parts of what is going on. It is probably worth a shot. It is possible that I could go down in flames during the discussion and change nothing. Then, maybe a trip to HR would be in order. In the end, I might not affect any change, but I can try. However, I don’t have to try and change it; that’s just one option.

If I can’t change the situation, and I can’t accept it as it is, it’s time to make plans to move on. Perhaps it’s time to start my own business. Maybe I could take an early retirement. There are several options when fleeing a job that I can’t stand, and fleeing doesn’t have to be done rashly.

When facing a situation that you don’t like, ask yourself these questions:

  1. Can I truly accept the situation as it is without harming my physical or mental health?
  2. What can I do to change this situation? Do I want to try and change it?
  3. How can I get out of this situation if I can’t accept or change it?

Remember: your circumstances, goals, and values will help you to make the best decision for you.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Wooing Resisters

16 Tuesday Jul 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Leadership, Leading Change, Uncategorized

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#DreamBehindtheComplaint, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #LeadingChange, #WooingResisters, relationships

wooing resisters 600 px

When talking about leading change in workshops, we spend some time talking about how to woo the resisters. There are always people who will be opposed to doing things in a different way.

As early into the change as possible, we want to ask for the input of resisters. Often, they have some valid concerns and can point out potential obstacles and challenges that an organization will face during a change. Sometimes, we can incorporate their observations into the change process. Sometimes, the change is set in stone, and all we can do is listen to their objections. It’s important to let the resister know what can and cannot be done.

When talking to resisters, we often hear a lot of complaints. They are very ready to share what is wrong. We want to find out what an ideal situation would look like to them by helping them to find the dream behind the complaint.

When we complain, we are telling others how reality is not meeting our personal expectations. We have a picture in our heads of how we want things to be that we don’t articulate and often can’t see clearly. As leaders, we want to help resisters clearly define the best situation for them.

We can start by asking them, “What needs are not being met?” We can also ask, “For what are you longing?” We want to get to the Essence-level feeling that the resisters are experiencing. Remember, every situation has a fact and a feeling part.

Then we want to get them to describe the ideal outcome for the current change. We can ask things like:

  • What would the ideal scenario look like?
  • What could be better?
  • Can you think of a metaphor that applies to this situation?
  • What is it like here in this ideal situation?

It’s important that we keep focusing on the dream, not the complaint. We are helping the resisters create a solution instead of dwelling on the problem. Once the resisters have clearly defined the situation that they want, it’s important to do a reality check. How much of the dream can be achieved in the current reality? Organizations have requirements, and team morale is always a consideration. We want to ask the resisters what they believe is reasonable and then share our answer to the same question. Finally, we want to ask the resisters, “What are you willing to contribute or commit to in order to make this happen?”

If a resister is in full resistance mode and unable to see anything positive about the situation, we can help. We can ask the resister to rate the current reality on a scale of 1-10. Let’s say that they rate the current situation at a 3. We would then ask, “What keeps it from being a 1?” We are asking them to tell us a few of the positive things that are going on right now.

Then we ask them to define one small change that would nudge their feeling about the situation up one number. Resisters don’t say “1” very often when asked to rate a situation, but if they do, ask them for one small change that would bring it up to a 2.

When facing a change, we all have a high dream and a low dream for the outcome. We hope for the best and fear the worst at the same time. Asking everyone to define their high and low dreams can help the group get through a change more easily. Once each person has defined his or her high and low dream, they go on to tell the group what would support the low dream and what would support the high dream. At the end of the discussion, the group has a simple list of do’s and don’ts that will help them help each other through the change.

When facing a change, the most important thing that a leader can do is listen. By meeting everyone’s personal needs to be listened to, understood, and respected, we are helping them to accept the change by ensuring they feel that their feelings, dreams, and expectations are not being ignored. We all want to be seen and feel that we have some bit of influence over the situations we find ourselves in.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Perils of the Brain Dump

18 Tuesday Jun 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Mindfulness, Uncategorized

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#BrainDump, #EmotionalIntelligence, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #positiverelationships, #self-management

brain dump 600 px

When we visit homes with children, they often want to show us treasured belongings and tell us about things that are important to them. I’ve noticed that some adults behave in the same way. They have an urgent need to expel every thought in their brains through their mouths. I call it a Brain Dump.

The compulsion to say whatever we think is similar to the need we feel to finish things like puzzles. In leadership workshops, I use simple children’s puzzles in one exercise. I often halt the exercise when the puzzle is only partially done. I know from experience that I might as well let them finish the puzzle before they put it away. If I don’t, I hear complaints and there is a tangible feeling of being incomplete in the room. No one is ready to move on to our discussion until the puzzles are done.

I used to be like the children who share their thoughts and observations all the time. I thought it, then wanted to share it. After all, I’m a smart person with brilliant observations to share! Then I realized that no one was really interested in most of what I had to say outside of leadership workshops.

It hit me that my rambling and sharing was actually a colossal waste of time. I was saying things I already knew. The object of my Brain Dump wasn’t listening. Okay, maybe they were half-listening or pretending to listen, but they weren’t taking in the information for later use. Worse yet, I sometimes told stories that hinted at who I was, but they weren’t pertinent to my hapless listener.

I also realized that my Brain Dumps were harming the positivity of the relationship I had with my listener. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know that I’m a proponent of positive relationships. You will also know that you need a 5:1 ratio of positive interactions to negative ones in order to maintain a positive relationship. My listeners were not considering my Brain Dumps as a positive interaction.

About this same time, I came across a study, which I cannot find now. If you know of it, please drop me a line. Anyway, whether I’ve remembered it exactly or not, it had an enormous impact on my life.

They put CEOs in a room and had employees go in and talk with them. For the first round, the CEOs received no instructions and they talked quite a bit during the interactions. When interviewed afterward, the employees were not that impressed with the CEOs.

During the second round with a new group of employees, the CEOs were told not to talk. They were to keep silent as much as possible. In the interviews after the discussions, the employees reported that the CEOs were intelligent and good leaders. The CEOs made a better impression when they were quiet! Showing they were knowledgeable experts worked against them.

Unless in a leadership workshop where I was paid to talk, I worked to remain silent as much as possible. It was hard. It takes a lot of self-management to be quiet when you have a burning desire to show your smarts or solve someone’s problem or tell a funny story. It made me feel uncomfortable. It was like sitting and looking at an unsolved puzzle and not moving to put in the piece that I could see fit in one specific spot.

The ability to refrain from Brain Dumping is a sign of emotional intelligence. Quick refresher: emotional intelligence in its simplest form is self-awareness, self-management, relationship awareness, and relationship management. Self-management is one of the trickiest bits, and it relies on self-awareness.

In this particular case, I become aware of the negative effect that my Brain Dumping was having on other people (relationship awareness). I analyzed my need to share and realized that it was tied firmly to my own ego (self-awareness). Then I began to work to change my behavior (self-management), which improved my relationships with others (relationship management). Ta-da! A wonderful example of the power of emotional intelligence.

Exceptional leaders are emotionally intelligent. Like all other skills, we increase our proficiency with practice. I still indulge in bending someone’s ear now and again, but after much time I feel peaceful when I don’t.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Conversation Container

21 Tuesday May 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Tags

#conversationcontainer, #effectivecommunication, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #metaskills

PEA 600 px

The topic of how to create the best conditions for a conversation has popped up a lot lately. It’s not something that I see in leadership and conversation literature, but it is absolutely crucial to a successful conversation.

So what makes a conversation successful? There are at least a couple of things. From a leadership perspective, we want to develop or enhance a positive relationship. Leadership is all about creating positive relationships. I promise that this does not mean we are going to be pushovers.

Second, we want to have a clear outcome in mind. If an employee has a grievance, our goal is to find a resolution. We do not want to decide ahead of time what the resolution will look like; that’s what the conversation is for. You can read more about holding onto your outcome here.

We know that the beginning of a conversation is important. Couples relationship expert John Gottman found in his research that conversations that start harshly will end harshly more than 90% of the time. Those percentages are a good incentive to pay attention to how we open a conversation.

The way to ensure that we begin well is to pay attention to our mindset before we go into a conversation. Intentionally or not, we bring certain qualities or perspectives with us when we start talking with someone. If I’m angry, I might bring an adversarial attitude. If it’s important to me to look smart, I could bring in a know-it-all mindset. In systems coaching, we call those metaskills, and neither of those examples is going to help create a positive relationship or achieve the desired outcome.

Deciding what metaskills to bring into a conversation is harder than it sounds. In workshops, I ask groups to come up with the qualities and mindset that would create the most helpful container for conversations with a blamer, a screamer, a cryer, a know-it-all, and a person with an excuse for everything. When I walk around the room at the beginning of their discussions, I hear things like, “They need to understand…” and “We have to make it clear…” They are not talking about metaskills; they are talking about how to get to the outcome before they’ve even started this imaginary conversation.

I stop the discussions and redirect them. I ask, “Who do you need to be in order to have a reasonable and productive conversation with these people?” In other words, what type of person do you need to be? Do you need to be a patient person? A calm person? An angry person? An impatient person?

They go back to their group discussions and come up with great lists of qualities. Each group has a different type of person, but their lists contain similar metaskills. They decide they would want to be kind, patient, calm, firm, open-minded, respectful, empathetic, and professional. Being a person with those qualities will help them to have a reasonable conversation because they are creating a supportive container for the conversation. The qualities we embody are the metaskills that create the container.

Several clients have reported amazing outcomes from this practice. One told the story of facing a conversation with an employee who was angry about being passed over for a promotion. She took a minute and thought of how the employee must feel – angry, disappointed, and frustrated. He was entitled to feel that way. Although the decision was a fair one, it didn’t take away the sting of rejection.

My client’s normal style was to meet anger with anger. Instead, she met the employee’s anger with empathy and said things like, “Yes, I can understand why you are upset.” It was not the response the employee was expecting! He was expecting a good row! Instead, his anger dissipated, and the conversation turned to things that he could do to improve his chances next time around. By changing the container for the conversation, my client changed the entire tenor and outcome.

It’s important to note that kindness and firmness are not mutually exclusive. We can hold people accountable in a firm way and also be kind. It’s easy if we truly have the other person’s best interests at heart. Exceptional leaders know that their success is dependent on the success of everyone around them, which means they hold high standards and help people meet them. The best leaders know that figuring out how to meet goals and standards is a dialogue that happens best in a conversation container of respect and a true desire for others’ success.

 

Creating Positive Relationships

14 Tuesday May 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Positivity, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #noticethegood, #positiverelationships, Positivity

mom and son 600 px

One of the essential elements of extraordinary leadership is the ability to create and maintain positive relationships. In fact, we are happier and more successful as parents, spouses, friends, family members, and humans if we are amidst positive relationships. As leaders, we cannot cultivate the personal power that we need to motivate others unless we can create positive relationships. You can read more about the power of positivity and positive relationships here.

Research shows we need at least a five-to-one ratio of positive interactions to not-positive interactions in order to maintain a positive relationship. In one study, simply asking a student how homework was going was considered a negative interaction. Wow. That sets the bar for a positive interaction pretty high. The reality is that we don’t have a lot of positive interactions with others.

I first realized how few positive things that I was saying to others when my sons were in high school. I was in my coach training with the Coaches Training Institute. We had talked about the power of appreciation and acknowledgments. I realized that some days, I didn’t say even one nice thing to my children. I committed to saying at least one nice thing a day to each of them.

This tactic is a great way to start creating positive relationships. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but it is doable. It’s essential that the acknowledgment or appreciation be sincere. Bad nonverbal communication can kill a nice statement. Any hint of sarcasm will sabotage your efforts. Start by saying things that you truly believe.

The comments must never be about the appearance of a person; that is a compliment and not what we are going for. We want to say something meaningful about the person, which is an acknowledgment. Our other option is to show appreciation for an action. For me, appreciation is easier, so I started with that.

When I saw my sons doing something that I wanted to see them do again, I made a statement about it. I said things like, “Thank you for putting your dishes in the sink. I really appreciate it.” I meant it! I did appreciate them putting the dishes in the sink. I appreciated when they put away their laundry, drove safely, helped each other, and mowed the grass.

After telling them what I appreciated, I then told them why. The why is an important piece of the appreciation message. I was grateful when they mowed the lawn because it was an enormous effort for me that wiped me out for the rest of the day when I did it. I appreciated them putting the dishes in the sink because it made cleaning up after meals much faster – and I didn’t like that task any more than they did.

People are more likely to repeat the action when you comment on it in a positive way. They know you like it, and they like being appreciated. Maybe they never saw it as important before and now realize it’s a big deal to you. For whatever reason, people do things more often when they feel that those things are appreciated. Appreciation also builds the overall positivity of a relationship. It’s a win-win.

Acknowledgments are more difficult and more powerful. When we give someone an acknowledgment, we are commenting on positive qualities of that person – not their actions or their appearance – though an acknowledgment can begin by noticing an action. After all, we show our qualities through our actions.

I could say, “I saw you helping your brother with his physics homework. You are a kind person who takes time to help others.” Here is another example: “I was watching you work out in the driveway. You really are consistent in your exercising, and you are getting stronger. I admire your willpower and determination.”

It’s essential that the things we say are true. We can’t run around saying things we don’t mean. Trust me, people can tell if you are insincere. As I looked for positive things to say to my sons who were and are outstanding human beings, I wasn’t making things up. All their great qualities were there. Some I was aware of. Others I noticed for the first time as I began to really pay attention to who my sons were.

The sad part is that I had not told them much of the good I saw and felt for them. I’m not sure why. Part of the reason harkens back to the fact that we are hardwired to notice and hang on to the negative. Noticing the good around us is not something that comes naturally or that we are trained to do. I’m sure the fact that they were surly teenagers was also a contributing factor. Also, I just wasn’t very good at sharing feelings. Looking for positive actions and the good in others is a new habit that we must form. Forming new habits takes work.

I started by saying one positive thing a day. Weirdly enough, it was difficult, and I would forget my intention. However, over time giving appreciation and acknowledgments got easier. It felt more natural. I was in the habit of looking for good things and commenting on them. Believe me, that is huge! The ability to easily and naturally see the positive qualities and actions of others is crucial for great leadership.

My two sons were suspicious of my new behavior at first. I was talking to them in a different way suddenly. I’m sure that they wondered what I was up to. I told them after a bit. Transparency is usually the best way to go. I told them that I was working to notice and comment on the good things around me and that they were definitely some of the best things around me.

A delightful outcome that I didn’t see coming was that my high school-aged sons began saying nice things back. They told me when they appreciated things I was doing. They even pointed out some of my strengths. I cannot begin to express how touching that is. The dynamics of our relationships changed for the better.

Violá! We created positive relationships by increasing our number of positive interactions. When I say something positive about someone, it is positive for both of us, and vice versa. The boys and I enjoyed each other’s company more and increased our level of trust, which led to more meaningful conversations.

Saying one positive thing to someone every day is a simple way to begin to create a positive relationship. Man, there is no better way to decrease our expenditure of emotional pennies than to create positive relationships. The results are extraordinary, which is what we are looking for in extraordinary leadership.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Horton the Elephant: Leadership Role Model

09 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership

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Tags

#consistency, #HortonRules, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #StandUpTechnique

For the last week or so, I’ve helped take care of my grandchildren. I have a spirited granddaughter who is two years old. Her mother takes a parenting class, and after the last class, she wanted to set up a game plan. I’m usually game for a good game plan and I do try to stay consistent with their parenting standards.

She said that the goal of the week was to immediately follow up on any request made of my granddaughter that was ignored. We had all gotten into the habit of telling her something several times before standing up and ensuring that she did it.

It is a parenting technique that I believe in whole-heartedly. Her comments reminded me of my resolve when my children were little to make sure that there was no question about whether or not I meant something when I said it.

I went to playgroups and saw other moms who didn’t back up what they said. They sat in the same spot and said, “Honey, don’t do that” over and over while Honey continued to do as she pleased. Honey knew her mom wasn’t standing up, I knew it, everyone in the room knew it, people passing by knew it as did their dogs. There was no reason for Honey to stop because there were never going to be any consequences. Honey’s Mom was never going to stand up. I call getting up immediately when an instruction is ignored the Stand Up Technique.

The Stand Up Technique also applies to great leadership. As leaders, we must be ready to follow up on the tasks we assign. If it becomes apparent to everyone that we are going to ask people to do things and then never make sure those things are done, it becomes highly unlikely that the things will get done. Why should anyone bother when everyone knows that the leader is not going to Stand Up and make sure that there are consequences for tasks left undone?

It is time intensive in the beginning to ensure everyone knows that you mean business. I tell the following story in leadership workshops. Back when circuses kept elephants in chains, handlers put small elephants in big metal cuffs with thick chains attached to long spikes. The baby elephant would try and try to get free but gives up after a while. When the elephant was grown, its handlers could use a small cuff, chain, and spike. The elephant didn’t believe that there is a point in trying to get away. We want to give everyone around us that same impression.

If we begin by ensuring all tasks are done and then administering consequences when they are not, we let everyone know that there is no point in trying to get away with not doing things. They begin to feel confident that we will always check up on things and give consequences as appropriate. After a while, no one even considers not doing a task. What’s the point? Like the large elephant, they’ve decided that resistance is futile.

I feel a need to point out that “following up” and “giving appropriate consequences” does not mean yelling or shaming. We want everyone who works with us to be successful, and that is the mindset that we bring into every conversation. We also want to be respectful of others all the time!

Using the Stand Up Technique also gives us, as leaders, a good yardstick for our words. If I ask someone to do something, am I willing to follow through and do what needs to be done to ensure my request is completed? If not, I should keep my mouth shut. I ruin my credibility if don’t see things through to the end.

I am reminded of a statement by Horton the Elephant in Horton Hatches the Egg. He tells the terrible mother Mayzie that he will sit on her egg and protect it. Through a series of challenges that include hunters, Horton refuses to give up the egg. He says, “I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful one hundred percent.” We all need to be elephants in that we are one hundred percent faithful to the words that we speak.

The first question we should ask is “Does it matter?” Does it matter if someone does it his or her own way? Does it matter if they fail? Does it matter if that task is done at all? If the answer is “Not really” or “Only to me,” let it go.

Marshall Goldsmith lists a couple of good questions to ask ourselves in Triggers: “Will my input improve this situation?” and “Am I truly helping or trying to prove how smart I am?” Asking ourselves these questions can get us to pause and be selective about the tasks that we assign and the things that we say.

The bottom line is that everyone, both children and adults, will take our requests to heart if we mean what we say and ensure that we said what we meant. Horton is a great role model.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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