Category Archives: Effective Conflict

Holiday Conversation Outline

20 Tuesday Nov 2018

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holiday conversation outline

I’ve talked about an effective outline for conversations in the past. Discussions at work usually require some sort of agreement. Many personal conversations do, as well. However, holiday discussions over a turkey rarely require agreement and an action plan to move forward. Keeping this in mind can help us create a peaceful and enjoyable holiday.

Let’s go through a holiday version of the Conversation Outline.

Open. The opening happens when one person brings up a topic. When acting in a leadership position, we want to make sure the topic is focused and clear. Holiday openings made by anyone at the table can be a messier affair.

We can help to start the conversation in a positive way by avoiding assumptions and getting curious. If Aunt Joan says, “People with tattoos shouldn’t be allowed to get food stamps,” she is opening a conversation. Instead of disagreeing immediately and assuming what she means by that comment, we could better serve the group by getting curious.

We could ask, “Aunt Joan, what connection is there between tattoos and receiving food stamps?” Now, our nonverbals our key here. If we ask with the slightest hint of sarcasm or disapproval, all is lost! Curiosity is our guiding light. Why does she think there is a link between tattoos and food stamps? Don’t make assumptions. Ask!

Once we have a clearer picture of her objection, we have our topic of conversation.

Discover and Share. This is the most important step in a conversation. We often skip this step and move straight to positional arguing about the best thing to do.

In Discover and Share, we take time to listen fully by being completely present and listening for understanding. We pay attention to the words being said, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. We are curious about everything and ask a lot of questions.

Giving focused attention to someone is a gift. We don’t often feel like we are in the spotlight of someone’s attention, even though we like being seen and heard.

It’s very important to be curious about both the fact and feeling parts of another person’s stance. We usually focus solely on the facts. We can get a lot further along in knowing another person if we ask about their feelings, as well. We could say to Aunt Joan, “This topic seems to make you angry. What about this makes you mad?” Many of our most closely held beliefs aren’t logical and can’t be swayed by logical arguments. Understanding a person’s feelings is the key to understanding the person.

During holiday gatherings, we can keep the sharing part to a minimum. It’s imperative that we keep in mind that we are not trying to change anyone’s mind about anything. We are listening to understand and creating positive relationships. If we manage to offer a perspective the other person hasn’t thought about, it’s a bonus – but not the goal.

The chances of changing Aunt Joan’s mind are minimal at this point. We are giving her the gift of our attention. The greatest gift that we can  give is our time and attention.

Develop Solutions. In business, we begin brainstorming once we have all the facts and feelings on the table. I see it as a funnel that begins with a wide variety of options and slowly narrows down to the best choice.

With family and friends, we can participate in this step if everyone else thinks it would be fun. Coming up with outlandish possibilities to challenges discussed can be enjoyable. It can also be a nightmare. If we start handing possible solutions to Aunt Joan, who is an argumentative person, she is likely to get defensive.

During this phase when acting as a leader, it’s important to continually ask what is best for the people involved in the decision – whether that is a couple, a team, a family, or an organization. Developing Solutions at a holiday gathering is COMPLETELY OPTIONAL.

Agree. Ignore this step entirely! Most holiday discussions at the dinner table do not require agreement. Accept that families can offer us some of the best opportunities for personal growth. We get to practice letting others be themselves without any effort on our part to change them. One conversation with us isn’t going to transform Aunt Joan into an open-minded, empathetic person. We get to practice listening to her fully and allowing her to be who she chooses to be.

Close. If we did need to agree on how to move forward, we would now check to make sure that everyone was on board, and we would explicitly state the agreement. Since we didn’t require agreement, we don’t have anything to clarify.

However, we can close by summarizing what we learned about the other person’s feelings and perspective.

The Discover and Share step of the conversation is the most important step. Holiday gatherings give us the chance to practice being curious without the pressure of coming to an agreement. Bonus: We create a more positive relationship with friends and family. Our holiday gift to the world can be to make each person we talk with feel listened to, understood, and respected.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Effective Conflict: Ask Yourself This Question First

24 Tuesday Oct 2017

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When we find ourselves in a situation that feels like a challenge to our authority or egos, there is one question we can ask ourselves that will save us a lot of headaches and heartaches. I’ve been talking about this quite a bit lately, and it can have a profound impact on our lives and relationships. If we use this question, we can entirely avoid many conflicts. The question is: Does it really matter?

We create conflict when we don’t really need to by insisting on having things our own way. It happens all the time! We are human, and we have egos. We have clear ideas about how things should be done. We like to get our own way – and we don’t always need to.

When my children were in middle school, I felt like I was saying no to them all the time. They wanted more freedom, and I felt like they were always challenging me. Refusing them was my default. It felt like we were butting heads all the time. It was exhausting.

After some coaching and communication training, I decided to say yes unless there was a really good reason to say no. Yes became my default. One of the questions that I asked when deciding on my answer was, “Does it really matter if they do this their own way?”

The answer to long hair and clothes from thrift shops was no; it didn’t really matter. I did have the urge to attach notes to them that said, “I have offered to buy them clothes that are not old and ill-fitting,” but I resisted. They wanted to express themselves, and it didn’t really matter. They weren’t in danger, weren’t putting anyone else in danger, and weren’t being disrespectful or unkind. They were just being them. The result was that we got along much better, and they learned that there were good reasons when I said no.

One year, my husband made a New Year’s resolution to let me have my way. He didn’t tell me what he was doing for a while. A funny thing happened on the way to giving me my way: I started reciprocating. We “gave in” on where to eat dinner, how to slice mushrooms, and how to fold t-shirts. It was the best year ever!

We can create positivity in relationships by giving up control whenever possible. I talk about this concept in my leadership workshops. Does it matter if an employee does a process or procedure a new or different way? If whatever it is will still get done in a timely manner, then let him or her do it in their own way. Autonomy is motivating, and our employees are more enthusiastic and motivated when they get to make some decisions – so are our significant others and friends.

We can create more peace for ourselves and others if we just let everyone else do what they want as often as possible. Ask yourself, “Does it matter?” If the answer is no, pat your ego on the head, tell it everything will be alright, and give some power and autonomy away. It will come back to you in surprising ways.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: Opening a Difficult Dialogue

17 Tuesday Oct 2017

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My coaching clients often identify issues that consistently drain their emotional energy. Many times, the issue involves another person, and the only way to resolve the issue is to have a conversation with that person. Unfortunately, few of us are adept, or even comfortable, beginning conversations that are going to be difficult.

Most of the time, it is a conversation my client dreads, which is totally understandable. Most of us aren’t trained to handle conflict, and we rarely see conflict done well. Every sitcom and reality show on television depends on people handling conflict poorly!

However, we can have productive conversations about disagreements that will actually strengthen our relationships. It takes a little courage if you don’t care for difficult conversations, but the results can be life-changing.

The key is to start the conversation well. Research shows that if we begin a conversation harshly, it will end harshly more than 90% of the time. The opening is crucial. We want to clearly state what we want to talk about in a nonconfrontational manner.

Besides courage, a little preparation will help. I often help clients get ready for difficult conversations, and we use an outline from the book Fierce Conversations. You can download a summary of the model on my website under the “Free Stuff” tab.

There are seven steps in the Confrontation Model in Fierce Conversations. I am not a fan of the name of the model, but it’s a great tool. Think of it as “Creating an Opening to a Conversation that Can Change Your Life for the Better.” That title is a little long, but you get the point. We want to start a courageous conversation that will improve our relationship with someone else and also improve the quality of our lives.

OPENING STATEMENT. There are seven steps to create a succinct and nonthreatening opening statement. When we are done, we will have a complete introduction to the conversation that will take us only 60 seconds to say. It’s just a beginning, but it sets the tone. We don’t want to drone on and make the other person defensive. Once it’s written, we want to practice saying it out loud until we remember it easily. I role-play with my coaching clients until they are completely comfortable saying their opening statements.

Step 1. Name the issue. We start by clearly stating the behavior or issue that we want to talk about.

“I want to talk with you about the effect that [a specific behavior or situation] is having on [me, our family, the team, etc.].”

The key here is that we are clearly talking about the effect that the behavior or situation is having. We are talking about a specific outcome for a specific situation or behavior.

Sometimes there are several issues that we want to discuss. Pick the one that would improve your life the most if resolved. When I work with clients, sometimes we find a theme once we start discussing the various behaviors and situations.

For example, if an employee has had several poor interactions with several clients, we don’t want to talk about just one instance; we want to discuss their poor customer service skills.

Step 2. Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior or situation you want to change. We want to give specific examples of the situation or behavior that we’ve described in Step 1. The example gives the other person a clear picture of the focus for the discussion.

“For example, yesterday…”

The entire opening statement will only be 60 seconds long, so we want to be succinct. If we give a long litany of the person’s misdeeds, they will check out of the conversation. We want to give a couple of very short examples of the behavior or situations.

In our customer service example, we would say something like, “For example, ABC Company said that you are not returning their calls. In addition, the representative from XYZ reported that you gave them outdated information then got defensive and raised your voice when she asked for current information.”

Step 3. Describe your emotions about this issue. Every discussion has a fact and a feeling part. We often ignore the feeling part, but we have to deal with both in order to resolve any conflict. In addition, sharing our emotions makes the conversation personal because we show some vulnerability. It’s okay to say that we are angry about something as long as we say it calmly.

This step reminds me of a simple formula for “I statements” that my children learned from their first grade teacher. She taught them to say,

“When you [do this] it makes me feel [emotion].” It was simple enough for first graders and very effective because it kept the children from blaming and name-calling. It’s a skill and sentence that we could all use more often!

“I am feeling [frustrated, embarrassed, not appreciated, etc.].”

In our example, we could say, “I am concerned about keeping our customers and afraid we are losing our reputation for caring about our customers.”

Step 4. Clarify what is at stake. If the situation continues as it is, what will be lost or gained? This step is often left out, and it’s important that everyone know what is at stake if nothing changes.

We are telling the other person why this is important. We don’t want our statements to sound threatening. The goal is to make the outcomes for the current behavior or situation very clear.

“This is what is at stake…”

In our example we could say, “There is a great deal at stake right now. Our reputation as a company that is responsive to customer needs is in danger. Our customer service is what differentiates us from our competition, and if we lose our reputation, it could substantially affect our financial goals.”

Step 5. Identify your contribution to this problem. We don’t have to give a long confession here. Remember, we only have 60 seconds for the entire opening statement. However, we want to acknowledge any role that we have played in creating the problem. We also want to make clear our intention to do something about it.

“I lost my temper.” Or “I haven’t spoken up.”

One of the most common contributions is not communicating clear expectations. Susan Scott mentions it in Fierce Conversations, and I see it with my clients, as well. Another contribution I see often is people not speaking up when they are first upset. They let the situation fester until they can’t stand it anymore. It’s better to speak up in the beginning and have a truthful conversation about what’s bothering you.

In our example, we could say, “I noticed your poor interaction with customers earlier and should have spoken to you immediately.” Or we might say, “I don’t feel that I have clearly communicated our customer service standards and why they are crucial to our company’s success.”

If we truly don’t believe that we have contributed in any way, we can leave this step out.

Step 6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue. Assure the person that you aren’t blaming or complaining; you want to figure out how to make it better together.

“This is what I want to resolve with you: [restate the issue].”

We want to show that our intent is figure out a way to fix or improve the situation. When we restate the issue, we are keeping the focus on the one thing that we want to talk about.

In our example, we could say, “I want to resolve the issue of your poor customer service actions so that we can keep meet our customers’ needs in a positive way.” In this example, we are letting our employee know that we are not planning to fire him or her. We want to find a way to help them be successful.

Step 7. Invite the other person to respond. Once we finish our 60-second opening statement, we want to give the other person a chance to respond. The opening statement was just the beginning of the conversation.

“I want to understand what is happening from your perspective. Please talk to me about what is going on.”

To our customer service-challenged employee, we could say, “Please give me your perspective on your customer interactions.” We want to hear about any obstacles or circumstances that are getting in the way. Remember, we are looking for ways to improve the situation.

Important note: If the other person tries to interrupt you before you finish with the 60-second opening statement, ask them to let you finish. Tell them it will only take 60 seconds and then you want to hear what he or she has to say.

Now we go through the rest of the Conversation Outline: Discover and Share > Develop Solutions > Agree > Close. Discover and Share is the most important step. We want to use active listening skills be sure to ask about the fact and feeling parts of the issue. We want to be sure that the other person feels confident that we understand and acknowledge his or her positions, interests, and feelings before we move on to Develop Solutions.

Once we agree on a solution, we want to discuss what we have learned and where we are now in the Agree step. We want to be sure to clearly define who is doing what by when.

In Close, we ask if there is anything else that needs to be said and express gratitude for the person for working through the challenge or issue with us.

During the conversation, people will often try to assign blame or change subjects. Our job is to keep the conversation on-topic. If a person says, “Well, they should have come to me with that information,” we would respond with, “We are here to talk about your interaction with customers.” Calmly refuse to get sidetracked.

When discussing conversations that need to happen with coaching clients, they often tell me that the other person won’t be able to handle the discussion or that talking with him or her won’t help. First, the alternative to not having the conversation is to continue to endure a situation that is causing stress and draining emotional energy. Second, we really don’t know how it will turn out until we try. The other person may get emotional. That’s okay! It is perfectly alright for people to feel strong emotions. We don’t need to protect them from that – or run from it. It takes some courage, but we can witness someone feeling strong emotions. In coaching, we call it standing in the lion’s roar. I love that metaphor.

I want to add one caveat. I find that most people are reasonable human beings who will engage in a productive conversation if given the invitation and circumstances that make them feel safe to engage in a dialogue. Effective conflict involves telling others what we think and feel. We must be a little vulnerable, and most people are willing to do that. However, there are a few mean-spirited people out there whose goal is cause harm. It isn’t a misunderstanding; it’s an attack.

If you can, let those people go. If you can’t, document every conversation. At work it is especially important to get everything that you can in writing. Send an email summary of the conversation and ask for the other person to confirm that you understood everything correctly. Whatever the circumstance, do your best to keep the negative meanies from stealing your joy. They are not worth it.

Most of the time, we can improve our lives by easing tension and removing energy drains with some preparation, determination, and courage. Grab some support if you need it, and know that no matter the outcome, the conversation is usually worth it.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: Simmering Conflicts

10 Tuesday Oct 2017

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We tend to think that yelling and arguing are an intrinsic part of conflict. They certainly can be, despite our best efforts. However, conflict can also be like a low-grade fever – a simmering disagreement that saps our energy and uses vital emotional energy.

When I coach people, I like to start off by eliminating as many energy drains as possible. Energy drains can be clutter, toxic relationships, a leaky toilet, disorganization, work we don’t like, and smoldering disagreements that never burst out into flames.

The process we are going to use to identify and eliminate negative undercurrents from simmering conflict comes from the book Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. I highly recommend it! It’s a book that can change how you view and operate in the world – which will indeed change your life. I just finished rereading it. There is a printable outline of the process that Scott calls Mineral Rights under the Free Stuff tab on my website. She calls it Mineral Rights because we are mining for information about a conflict that isn’t easy to define. There are eight steps in the process.

Step 1. Identify your most pressing issue. We can use this process to deal with any pressing issue, from buying a new house to changing hairdressers. However, we want to do some soul searching to uncover conflicts that are draining our energy and joy.

Think about your days. When does your stomach clench? When do you feel your shoulders tighten? What tasks do you dread? What people do you wish you could avoid? Why?

As an example, let’s say that I have a friend who calls to complain about her life and never listens to what I have to say. I am irritated before, during, and after our conversations. In this example, it’s a conflict that the other person does not know about. The friend is happy as a clam to unload on me and move on. There is a discussion that I need to have that I am avoiding.

Step 2. Clarify the issue. We want to ask:

  • What is going on?
  • How long has this been going on?
  • How bad are things?

In this step, we want to get a clear picture of the issue. Sometimes in thinking about a situation, there is more than one issue to deal with. We want to untangle the threads and focus on the one thing that is going to improve the quality of our lives.

In our example, let’s say that this is a relatively new friendship with a woman named Gertrude. We met at our children’s soccer game. We went out to lunch a couple of times, and then Gertrude begin to call to chat. Gradually the chatting turned into complaining. Although Gertrude likes to talk, she does not like to listen. She has a negative view of most people and situations. She is also a victim. Everything is always someone else’s fault.

Step 3. Determine the current impact. Here are some questions to ask:

  • How is this issue or situation currently impacting me?
  • What results are currently being produced for me by this situation?
  • How is this issue currently impacting others?
  • What results are currently being produced for them by this situation?
  • When I consider the impact on myself and others, what are my emotions?

In this step, we take a look at all the ways that this situation is impacting us and anyone else. There can be positive impacts, and we want to consider those, too.

In our example with Gertrude, I spend time dreading her call, suffering through the call, and stewing about the call when it’s done. This relationship is toxic for me in its current form.

It’s taking time away from the other things that I want to accomplish. I am often in a bad mood when I deal with my family. I am resentful and angry. I feel that I am being taken advantage of. It’s a one-sided relationship that doesn’t give me much benefit.

If I think of how it’s impacting Gertrude, I am helping her stay in the same victim mentality by not speaking up. She is upset about something, vents to me, feels better, and moves on without taking any action to improve the situation. I am not helping her.

Step 4. Determine the future implications. Things to consider:

  • If nothing changes, what is likely to happen?
  • What’s at stake for me relative to this issue?
  • What’s at stake for others?
  • When I consider these possible outcomes, what are my emotions?

We want to consider what will happen if we do nothing. This is a bit of a guessing game, but you can probably come up with several possible outcomes. We also want to think about what’s at stake for us and others.

What happens if I never tell Gertrude how I feel? Well, for one thing, my resentment is going to continue to grow, and there is a good chance that I’m going to blow up at her on a bad day. Our friendship is at stake if I don’t alter the way that we interact. Poor Gertrude wouldn’t know what hit her. She doesn’t even know there is a problem.

If I continue to let her take advantage of our friendship, I will feel like a wimp who can’t stand up for myself. I will get angry at myself and Gertrude. My family will continue to suffer my dark moods over the situation.

Step 5. Identify your contribution to this issue. We want to ask:

  • What is my contribution to this issue?

We want to really think about what we are doing or not doing to contribute to this issue. We may not like to examine our part and may not even be sure of how we are contributing. However, if we do a major gut-check we often can unearth some underlying causes that we own.

In our example, I am not setting proper boundaries with Gertrude, and it’s not healthy for me or her. My contribution has been inaction. I haven’t told Gertrude how I feel so that she has a chance to react or change. I am allowing a one-sided relationship to continue.

Step 6. Describe the ideal outcome. We want to consider:

  • When this issue is resolved, what difference will that make?
  • What results will I enjoy?
  • When this issue is resolved, what results will others enjoy?
  • When I imagine this resolution, what are my emotions?

This is my favorite part. I love dreaming up best-case scenarios! We want to imagine a clear image of what we want and then check in with our emotions about that outcome. Then we want to consider how that outcome will affect others.

In our Gertrude example, I could imagine a life without Gertrude. I could just fade away from her life and become less and less available. It comes down to whether or not I believe that Gertrude’s friendship could be valuable and enjoyable. I need to ask myself if I’d miss her.

I’m going to say that in this made-up world with my made-up friend, I think I want to try and save the relationship. I want to sit down and talk with Gertrude about how I feel. It could make our relationship stronger in the end. We do have some fun times together.

Step 7. Commit to action. We want to ask ourselves:

  • What is the most potent step that I could take to move this issue toward resolution?
  • What’s going to attempt to get in my way, and how will I get past it?
  • When will I take this step?

Now we want to make plans. In the usual strategic planning way, we want to know who is going to do what by when. We also want to think about obstacles that could get in our way.

I am going to talk with Gertrude. It could be a difficult conversation, but I think that our relationship is worth the risk and the effort. There is an outline we can use to prepare for difficult conversations. It’s in Fierce Conversations, and it’s called the Confrontation Model. I’m not a fan of the title, but it is a very useful process for mapping out a discussion ahead of time. The Confrontation Model will be the topic of a future blog post.

So, I’m going to use the Confrontation Model to prepare for a discussion with Gertrude. I’m going to practice the conversation with my life coach. (I do that with my clients!)

I could be the main obstacle – that is, my fear of confrontation. In this made-up scenario, I don’t like it when people get upset. I am going to invite Gertrude to lunch next Thursday, and I will talk with her then.

Step 8. Take it personally. We want to consider these questions:

  • Who am I?
  • What price am I willing to pay to be that?

Ultimately, everything is personal. Everything that we say and do is a reflection of our values. Step 8 is an integrity check. We want to ask ourselves if our planned actions are in alignment with our values and who we want to be.

In our example, I am not the kind of person who would distance myself from Gertrude and leave her wondering what happened. That feels icky to me. Although talking with her using the Confrontation Model makes me feel nervous, it also is alignment with who I want to be.

There you have it! Eight steps to help you gain emotional freedom and authenticity! Many energy drains require confrontation and resolution. Sometimes the conflict is with ourselves, but many times it involves addressing a situation that we’d rather avoid. Keep in mind that the short-term discomfort of a tense conversation is much better than a simmering conflict that would drain your energy for the rest of your life.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effect Conflict: What Reality Are You In?

03 Tuesday Oct 2017

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The “Three Levels of Reality” sounds like a great title for a Star Trek episode. However, it is a model that can improve our ability to communicate effectively, handle conflict in a positive way, and motivate others. I learned the concept during my Organization and Relationship System Coaching (ORSC) certification program, and I discuss it in leadership seminars all the time. The three levels are Essence, Dreaming, and Consensus Reality.

Essence level describes feeling and experience before we put it into words. Once we start to describe a feeling or experience, it becomes less accurate because the description depends on words that cannot adequately capture an experience, feeling, or potential.

Once we have named a feeling, experience, or idea, we are in Dream level. There we create different possible outcomes and imagine things that we can then make real.

Consensus Reality is where dreams go when we make them a reality. Consensus Reality is what we all agree is here – chairs, offices, procedures, companies, etc.

Successful groups navigate through the different levels together. A group that stays in Dreaming level can become frustrated because it never DOES anything. On the other hand, if a group jumps straight to Consensus Reality level, they miss a lot of possibilities that happen in brainstorming and exploring in Dream level. Conflict happens when one person is talking about ideas in Dream level and another is talking tangible facts in Consensus Reality. I see this type of conflict often in my coaching.

Some of us are dreamers who like to discuss our ideas out loud. Others are logical people who like to talk about facts; we don’t say something unless we intend to follow through on it. Logical people judge ideas by how reasonable they are. When dreamers and logical people talk about things, conflict and frustration can often arise because they are talking on two different levels of reality.

For example, let’s say a married couple is out for a walk. The husband is a dreamer who likes to talk about ideas and what might be possible. He begins to talk about all of the wonderful things that they could do to remodel and transform their kitchen. Dreamers like to talk about ideas. They usually don’t intend to act on them right away. They get joy from talking about possibilities.

The wife is a logical person and a realist. She knows that they cannot afford to redo the kitchen right now. Besides, it would also create a huge mess, and they have people coming to their home for the holidays. She immediately begins to point out all of these facts. The husband is hurt and angry that she is squashing his ideas and fun. The wife is upset that the husband would consider turning her life upside down right now.

When I work with teams and couples with these two types of people, I explain that they are talking on two different levels of reality. Dreamers like to dream. Unless a dreamer says something three times, he or she probably doesn’t intend to follow through right now.

If the logical person can join in the dreaming, the conversation can be quite fun. I find it helps to have an opening conversation about the Three Levels of Reality. We talk about the levels and how we behave when we are in each level. The logical person is free to join in the dreaming fun once he or she is confident that the conversation isn’t about concrete plans.

If the logical person isn’t sure, he or she can check in and ask, “Are we dreaming?” If the dreamer says yes, then off they go! This one revelation completely transformed the relationship of one couple that I worked with for the better.

Talking about the levels of reality with a person or group is just creating clear communication. Many conflicts are not true disagreements; they are misunderstandings. We don’t ask enough questions and keep an open mind during a conversation. We make assumptions based on our own beliefs, experiences, and personality types.

Once again, I am going to harken back to the Conversation Outline and the Listen and Share step. We can avoid a lot of conflict just by being curious and open-minded. Most people have a logical reason for what they think and believe. We can resolve conflict when we have all of the information that we need. We cannot resolve conflict effectively if we are working from assumptions. We ask questions to determine in which level of reality each person is operating.

After the Listen and Share step is Develop Solutions. It’s the brainstorming step. I think of it as a funnel. In the beginning, there is a lot of dreaming and talking about possibilities. That sort of discussion fosters creativity. Then we begin to talk about those ideas in terms of what is reasonable and feasible. Remember, assuming that our standard for “reasonable” is the same as everyone else’s is a dangerous thing. At every step in a conversation, it’s important to be curious and ask questions. The dreamers and logical people find their common ground during the process of developing solutions.

For a bit of practice, define the level of reality in which you are operating throughout the day. Then, figure out what level other people are in. Conversations across levels usually end in conflict. Skillfully recognizing and steering a group (and yourself) through the different levels improves motivation, creativity, and productivity because it fosters clear communication – which is the foundation of effective conflict.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: Pick Your Style

26 Tuesday Sep 2017

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We can use various styles to handle conflict. We can do it quickly with little regard for the relationships that we harm. We can make consensus the goal and take the time needed to ensure that each and every person’s voice is heard and that their needs are met. We usually have a preferred style of conflict resolution, but we need to be able to use the style that is most likely to get us the outcome that we want.

Below is model that displays various ways to deal with conflict. It’s the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument (TKI) Model. You can take an assessment to figure out your preferred conflict style. Our individual preferences are nice to know, but it’s more important to understand that each of these approaches to conflict is appropriate in different situations.

TKI model

 (Thomas-Kilmann Instrument (TKI) Model)

First, let’s look at the model. Assertiveness is the vertical axis on the left side of the graph. The higher up a conflict style is on the graph, the more assertive it is.

The axis at the bottom indicates how cooperative a person is being when using a particular approach to conflict. The conflict approaches farther to the right use more cooperation than the ones on the left.

In workshops, I use the example of a mom and her children deciding where to go to dinner to illustrate the different approaches to conflict.

COMPETING. If you look at the graphic, you can see that when we use a Competing approach to conflict, we are being very assertive and very uncooperative. In the Competing style, we adopt an “I win and you lose” perspective. We are going to use everything we’ve got to get our own way. Relationships don’t matter to us.

In our dining example, the mom really wants Mexican food, and she tells the kids to get in the car because they are going to a Mexican restaurant. There is no discussion, and the children have no input.

We can only use the Competing style if we have the power to make everyone do what we want. For example, the five year old of the family would not be able to force the family to go for pizza because she can’t drive or pay.

There are times when the Competing approach is appropriate. The first situation is when safety is an immediate issue. I am going to yell at you to stop if you are about to walk into the street where a bus will inevitably hit you. If I am facilitating a class and the fire alarm goes off, I’m not going to ask the group how they want to leave the room and which exit they want to use. I’m going to tell them exactly what to do.

The military uses a Competing style in critical situations. No military leader in his or her right mind is going to take a vote on how to react to an ambush or how to move forward in an attack.

In the everyday world, we use lack of time as our reason for using a Competing approach. Most of us feel very busy, and we don’t think that we have time to ask for input and have a discussion about a situation or decision. It’s important to note that the input and discussion are worth the time and should be included whenever possible. People feel part of a decision when they have input. They also feel valued. The Competing style does not enhance the positivity of relationships and should only be used when absolutely necessary.

ACCOMMODATING. In an Accommodating style of conflict resolution, the outcome doesn’t matter to us. In our dinner example, the mom doesn’t really care where the family goes to dinner. Pizza may not be her favorite, but if that is what everyone else wants, she is willing to drive them there and eat some pizza.

As leaders, we want to use the Accommodating style whenever possible. We want to give others as much autonomy as we can. It’s motivating to have some power over how we do things or what we are achieving. Some leaders have trouble letting people do things their own way. Make an effort to let others lead and decide whenever you can.

It’s fine to leave the decisions to others when we truly don’t care about the outcome. It is not okay to say we don’t care when we really do – that’s passive-aggressive behavior. If I say that I don’t care where we go to dinner, I need to truly not care where we go to dinner.

AVOIDING.  When we use an Avoiding conflict resolution style, we don’t take part in the conflict at all. We would be the teenager of the family who doesn’t want to be seen out in public with our lame family under any circumstance, so dinner is irrelevant. We aren’t assertive, but we also aren’t cooperative. We don’t care about what anyone else wants, and we don’t want to deal with them or the situation.

It is appropriate to use the Avoiding style when the situation has nothing to do with us. We often get worked up about decisions and how something “should” be done when we are not truly affected. For example, it may offend our moral sensibilities when someone is not working the way we believe that he or she should. However, performance issues are usually between a person and his or her supervisor. It’s best if we do our work to the best of our abilities and let them work it out. Our participation is not needed or helpful.

COMPROMISING. The Compromising approach is the one that is used most often and is appropriate much of the time. When using it, we ensure that everyone’s ideas are heard and then meet as many needs of as many people as possible in a reasonable amount of time.

Remember, our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. We can do all of those things when using a Compromising style and develop and maintain positive relationships.

When deciding where to go to dinner, we might take suggestions and then ask for a vote. Telling one child that she can choose where we go for dessert next time because she doesn’t want to go eat ice cream like everyone else is a Compromising style.

COLLABORATING. The Collaborating style is both very cooperative and very assertive. The goal is to satisfy the needs of everyone. This style requires a lot of time, energy, and commitment.

In our dinner example, we are going to make sure that everyone is happy with our restaurant choice and everyone is committed to making the best darn decision that we can. We are going to make a list of possible restaurants, ask for input from everyone, and consider how far each is from the house. We might create a list of average costs for a meal for each place that we are considering. We would also consider when each person ate last at the places being considered. We are going to spend a spend a good chunk of time on this and should probably be considering where to eat next week and not tonight.

The Collaborating style is appropriate for big, expensive decisions. If we are deciding where to build a new facility or whether or not to buy a house, we want to be sure that we have researched all the pertinent facts and unearthed as many advantages and disadvantages as possible. Using a Collaborative style helps to ensure that we aren’t missing any vital information needed to make a good decision.

We each have our own preferred style of conflict resolution. That style can change when we are stressed. It’s good to be aware of our preferences, but it’s also important not to be a one-hit wonder and only use that style. Great leaders use the style appropriate for the situation – no matter what their preferences are.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: Listening Creates Solutions

19 Tuesday Sep 2017

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Sometimes I help groups that are stuck in disagreement find solutions. When we meet, every person who walks in the door has the problem in one pocket and the solution in the other pocket. They are all completely certain that their view of the situation are clear and correct. They also believe that they have determined the correct solution using the best criteria.

What’s fascinating is that each person has his or her own definition of the problem that is rarely the same as anyone else’s. The solutions they bring are different, and the standards used to judge those solutions’ correctness often vary wildly.

Of course, they don’t know all that when they walk in. They’ve been arguing but not listening. They may know each other’s solutions, but they rarely have figured out why each person believes that their solution is best. They have been arguing positions without asking questions or truly listening.

The best illustration of what is missing from the discussion is the Conversation Outline that I’ve talked about before (https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2017/08/15/lets-talk-conversation-outline).

Conversation outline 4

When in conflict, we usually jump from Opening to Develop Solutions. It amounts to saying, “Let’s talk about the new procedure” and then each person insisting that his or her way is the right way. This chain of events damages relationships and doesn’t increase the chances of the group agreeing to anything other than the fact that they don’t like each other.

The Listen and Share stage is often skipped, and it is where the biggest picture of the problem is discovered. Let’s say that a team must decide on a vendor to use for a new project. One person believes that the most reliable vendor is the one to choose. Another thinks that the lowest-cost vendor is the best choice. Another person might say that they should stick with the one that they have now with whom they’ve built a relationship. One team member thinks they should give a brand new and promising vendor an opportunity.

Each person is using reasonable criteria for his or her decision. In the Listen and Share stage, the group stops to figure out what those criteria are – they listen for understanding. In the process, they acquire a complete view of the situation. In essence, they pull the problems and solutions out of their pockets and lay them all out on the table. Then they examine them one by one without trying to convince each other of anything. The discussion is truly sharing and listening – not arguing or convincing.

During the Listen and Share stage, it’s important that everyone stays curious. They would ask questions like, “Why do you think reliability is more important that cost?” and “What advantages do you think the new vendor would bring?”

Here is an important side note: authentic curiosity is imperative! You can ask the questions above with a sarcastic or snide tone and ruin the relationship and the discussion. It can be difficult to put our egos aside and listen to other people’s ideas, but listening and curiosity are the keys to great solutions. If you are having a hard time, remember that maintaining a positive relationship with others is key in getting to your desired outcome. No one likes to “give in” to someone who is mean to them.

After I have guided a group through the discussion process, they come up with a better solution than any one person brought through the door. It’s a better solution because it’s been created by many different brains and perspectives. We take the collective knowledge of the group and then use their collective brain power to decide on the best course of action for the group or organization. It is a fabulous process to watch.

There may be a person or two who won’t let go of a solution because it helps them the most or just because they’ve let their egos get the best of them. Those people who put their own needs above the needs of others and the organization benefit from coaching conversations with their leaders.

Once a person has taken a strong position, it can be difficult to change because it feels like defeat. It’s important for the group to accept a person’s change in position gracefully and never do the “I told you so” dance or say, “I knew you’d come around to the right way of thinking.” Not cool.

For the most part, after a facilitated discussion, there is more understanding and less animosity – and the decision is a good one that the group feels confident about. You can achieve those same results by focusing on the Listen and Share stage of the conversation outline. Ensuring that every person’s perspective is heard and understood makes finding a solution much, much easier.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: Hold Tightly to Your Outcome

12 Tuesday Sep 2017

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Keeping the outcome that you want to happen in the forefront of your mind during a conflict is a powerful tool. I learned the value of this technique back when I was a Cub Scout leader, well before I had any training in communication and conflict resolution. The event was a tiny blip on the grand scheme of life, but the lesson that I learned has served me well for about two decades.

The leaders of the Cub Scout pack that we belonged to included a few petty, mean-spirited people. For the most part, I led my Webelos Den and had as little to do with them as possible. However, we were about to have a meeting to discuss our year-end banquet, where the boys in my den would graduate from Cub Scouts and move on to Boy Scouts.

I don’t remember all the details, but when I got to the meeting I discovered that the other leaders had met in secret before the official meeting and made some infuriating decisions that were going to affect my Webelos. I was furious. I was angry at the manipulation and deception, and outraged at the other leaders’ behavior, which was decidedly un-Scout like. I am a woman with a temper, and my first impulse was to storm out of the room.

As I sat there fuming, a couple of things occurred to me. First, they were counting on me leaving so that they could have free rein to do whatever they pleased. They could legitimately say that I had left and they had carried on as best they could if I left the meeting in a huff. They were a particularly sneaky lot.

Second, I realized that if I left, my den would have had no representation. My obligation and responsibility was to the boys I had worked with for the last two years. I knew them well and was very fond of them. I decided that I needed to swallow my anger and pride and continue to represent them and work for their best interests.

It became a mantra in my mind during the discussion – “you represent the boys.” I vividly remember one woman who was really taking delight in trying to bait me. I stayed calm, looked her in the eye, and argued logically and reasonably. I never lost my temper despite the fact that I was roiling inside. The outcome I wanted was for my Webelos to have the recognition and banquet that they deserved as they left Cub Scouts for Boy Scouts. I kept that outcome in mind and held onto it tightly.

In the end, I was satisfied with the plans for the banquet. Because I stayed calm and reasonable, I gained back a lot of the ground lost in the others’ secret meeting. I felt cheated of a good temper-tantrum yelling match but proud of myself for staying calm and representing those boys who were not able to represent themselves.

I remember walking out into the cool night air after the meeting and being startled by what I had accomplished. I was in awe of the power of self-discipline – controlling my temper. For me, it was an enormous revelation to see that I could get the outcome that I wanted if I could keep the coolest head. Amazing. Life changing.

Later I learned about Emotional Intelligence. In its simplest form, there are four categories of Emotional Intelligence: self-awareness, self-discipline, relationship awareness, and relationship management. There is real power in using self-discipline to achieve your desired outcome in a conflict.

Self-discipline means controlling our impulses; we pause to think before we act. Our first impulse might be to yell at someone who has done a poor job or insulted us. However, yelling doesn’t create a positive work environment, foster positive relationships, or get us closer to what we want to achieve in a disagreement.

Think of self-discipline as a muscle. The more you exercise it, the stronger it gets! Each time that you exercise self-control, you make it easier the next time. Make a practice of pausing and taking a breath whenever you feel an undesirable impulse coming on. Think of the consequences, and make a decision that is in alignment with your values and goals.

I must admit that there is immediate gratification in yelling and belittling others when someone makes us angry during an argument. However, there are consequences to our actions. We damage the relationship and our own reliability and trustworthiness. People won’t trust or respect us, and we hurt our chances of getting desired outcomes in the future.

It’s easier to control our impulses if we hold tightly to the outcome that we want. When tempted to yell or make personal jabs, remember that those actions will lessen your chances of getting the outcome that you want. Hold tightly to your desired outcome, and use self-discipline to act in ways that will help you achieve it.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: Types of Conflict

05 Tuesday Sep 2017

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There are four different types of conflict. Knowing the kind of conflict that you are facing can help you manage your expectations and decide on an effective strategy for dealing with the conflict.

The easiest type of conflict to resolve is a disagreement about facts. In workshops, I will say, “I believe that I am the tallest person in the room.” Then I will ask the group if they agree or disagree. At 6 feet tall, I am sometimes the tallest person. However, the group will usually suggest different participants who are close to my height or taller. The group will sometimes argue a bit about who appears to be tallest.

Fortunately, it’s an easy conflict to resolve. I ask the person whom the group believes to be the tallest to come to the front of the room. We stand back to back, and viola! – we have an answer. One of us is clearly taller than the other, or the group declares a tie. Either the way, we know for sure.

We argue all the time about things that can easily be proven or disproven with a little research! It’s amazing. When my youngest son was living at home, I had the new registration for his car. He insisted that he had an updated registration in his glove box and that he didn’t need the one in my hand. I started to argue with him and then said, “Let’s go check.” We walked out to the car together, and he pulled out the registration. It was about to expire, so he took the one from my hand without further argument.

Here is an important side note: We want to maintain positive relationships at work and at home – especially during disagreements. A relationship can strengthen when conflict is handled effectively. It’s essential never to do the “I told you so” dance. It can be especially tempting when proving a sullen and argumentative teenager wrong, but it’s well worth the effort to restrain yourself. We want to use every opportunity to create positive moments. The appropriate response is something like, “I’m glad that we figured that out.” Do the “I told you so” dance in your head if you must.

The second type or level of conflict is one based on procedures. In this case, everyone agrees on the outcome, but not how to achieve it. I use my trusty water bottle to demonstrate this type of conflict in workshops. I put the water bottle on one side of the room and tell the group that we must decide together how to get it to the other side. For fun, I tell them that efficiency is not a consideration. We don’t have to find the fastest way to get the water bottle from one side to the other.

I begin by picking up the water bottle and carrying it to the other side of the room with a series of side steps, spins, claps, and a bit of moon walking. Then I ask them if they would all be willing to use the same method. Sometimes a few people agree, but for the most part, the group refuses. I ask them for their suggestions. They usually say we should hand it person to person or toss it. In the end, we find a way we would all be willing to use to transport the bottle, and it doesn’t take a huge amount of time to come to an agreement.

After we agree, I tell the group to pretend that I am the only one who will be transporting the bottle. Then, I ask them if my original suggestion is an acceptable way to get the bottle across the room, keeping in mind that efficiency is not a consideration. It’s interesting that most groups have trouble admitting that my inefficient, yet entertaining, way is acceptable.

Here is another important side note: Let people achieve the agreed-upon outcome in whatever way they want as long as it meets efficiency, safety, and organization standards and policies. There is usually more than one way to get a job done, and we build positivity in our relationships if we let others do it their own way as much as possible. Sometimes our egos get in the way, and we want everyone to do things the “right” way, which is our way. Ask yourself, “Does it really matter if it’s done the way the other person or group wants to do it?” People feel empowered and motivated when they get some autonomy.

The third level of conflict involves deciding an outcome. We aren’t just deciding how to get the water bottle from one place to another; we don’t agree on where the water bottle needs to go. Disagreements about an outcome can be much more time-consuming to resolve and require some discussion about standards, values, emotions, and expectations. I would need to understand why you think and feel that the water bottle needs to go to the back of the room or another room – and you would need to be able to explain your rationale. Once again, we want to keep our egos out of the discussion and resist any temptation to use the words “because I said so.”

My husband and I were having a difficult time deciding where to ultimately retire. I put a big map of the US up on the wall. He didn’t want to live in states that taxed his military retirement, so I put a piece of blue tape over all those states. I feel that water is going to become a scarce resource, so I put blue tape on states with low rainfall. We both agreed to stay at or below the Mason Dixon line for warmth. It’s a decision that remains unresolved, but what’s important is to capture the things that are important to everyone involved.

It’s also important to use what’s best for the bigger organism as the guideline for deciding the best outcome. At work, a discussion on a desired outcome should include the needs and goals of the organization. A goal or outcome that would be fantastic for the sales or marketing department might not be in alignment with the organization’s goals for growth or income. An outcome may not be the best thing for one individual or team, but might be best for the family or organization.

The final type of conflict is around values. In many cases, it’s best to agree to disagree on values. For example, you and I could argue ourselves silly about our spiritual beliefs and not change each other’s minds. Values are usually closely held to the heart and not easily changed.

Although we may not agree, that does not mean that we can’t build positivity with the discussion. Our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. “Agreed with” is not on the list. We can learn about a person’s beliefs and perspectives by listening in a respectful way. Listening does not obligate you to agree!

Think family dinners at holidays. It is a rare family whose members all agree about religion, politics, and worldviews. It’s perfectly acceptable to ask questions and understand a person’s perspectives and beliefs without agreeing with them. Effective conflict doesn’t have to include resolution. It can just be achieving mutual understanding.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: How do you feel about conflict?

29 Tuesday Aug 2017

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When I do Effective Conflict workshops, I start by having everyone determine how they personally feel about conflict. I put my water bottle in the middle of the floor and tell the group that the bottle represents conflict. Then, I ask them to stand close to the bottle if they are comfortable with conflict and far away if they do not like any form of conflict. People will move to various places around the room in relation to conflict (i.e., the water bottle). It’s important to start by knowing our own feelings about conflict.

Something interesting happened the first couple of times that I did this exercise. After I gave the instructions and people were milling around to determine where they wanted to stand, someone asked, “Do you mean conflict at work or at home?” I wasn’t expecting that question; I had assumed that people felt a certain way about conflict all the time. That was an incorrect assumption!

As it turns out, most people in my workshops have very different feelings about conflict at work than they do about conflict at home. There doesn’t seem to be an overarching pattern to the difference. For example, one person may be more comfortable with conflict at home, and someone else more comfortable with conflict at work. It varies by personality and situation, but there is usually a difference.

Whether at work or home, the first piece of dealing with conflict effectively is knowing how we feel about conflict in general. Our feelings set the tone for the discussion. If we really don’t like conflict, we might avoid it or try to get it over with in a hurry. Neither of these is particularly useful when dealing with differences of opinion.

The other important piece of dealing with conflict effectively is knowing that conflict is not a bad thing! When I ask workshop participants what color conflict is, they usually answer “red” or “black.” When I ask what conflict sounds like, people say things like “nails on a chalkboard” or “a freight train coming at you.” Wow! Those are horrible, stressful sounds!

It’s useful to think of conflict as just discussing a difference of opinion or perspective. Granted, we can get pretty wrapped up and emotional about our views, but we want to step back and look at conflict as an opportunity to learn something new about ourselves, other people, and a particular situation. If handled well, conflict can result in more positivity in a relationship, not less.

The fundamental pieces of effective conflict are knowing our own feelings about conflict and adjusting our perspective to a more positive view of disagreements. After all, deciding where we want to go to lunch is resolving a conflict. We will talk about specific tools, techniques, and the various levels of conflict as we continue this topic, but let’s begin by checking in with our feelings and perspectives when faced with a conflict – big, small, at home, or at work.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.