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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Category Archives: Effective Conflict

Holiday Conversation Outline

08 Tuesday Dec 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Effective Conflict, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#holidayconversationoutline, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #stressfreeholidayconversations

holiday conversation outline

It’s time to revisit the Holiday Conversation Outline! It feels especially important this year to poiint out that we can talk to family and friends without trying to convince anyone (or be convinced) that one particular perspective or idea is “right.”

I’ve talked about an effective outline for conversations in the past. Discussions at work usually require some sort of agreement. Many personal conversations do, as well.

However, holiday discussions over a family meal rarely require agreement and an action plan to move forward. Keeping this in mind can help us create a peaceful and enjoyable holiday.

Let’s go through a holiday version of the Conversation Outline.

Opening. The opening happens when one person brings up a topic. When acting in a leadership position, we want to make sure the topic is focused and clear. Holiday openings made by anyone at the table can be a messier affair.

We can help to start the conversation in a positive way by avoiding assumptions and getting curious. If Aunt Joan says, “People with tattoos shouldn’t be allowed to get food stamps,” she is opening a conversation. Instead of disagreeing immediately and assuming what she means by that comment, we could better serve the group by getting curious.

We could ask, “Aunt Joan, what connection is there between tattoos and receiving food stamps?” Now, our nonverbals our key here. If we ask with the slightest hint of sarcasm or disapproval, all is lost! Curiosity is our guiding light. Why does she think there is a link between tattoos and food stamps? Don’t make assumptions. Ask!

Once we have a clearer picture of her objection, we have our topic of conversation.

Discover and Share. This is the most important step in a conversation. We often skip this step and move straight to positional arguing about the best thing to do.

In Discover and Share, we take time to listen fully by being completely present and listening for understanding. We pay attention to the words being said, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. We are curious about everything and ask a lot of questions.

It’s very important to be curious about both the fact and feeling parts of another person’s stance. We usually focus solely on the facts. We can get a lot further along in knowing another person if we ask about their feelings, as well. We could say to Aunt Joan, “This topic seems to make you angry. What about this makes you mad?” Many of our most closely held beliefs aren’t logical and can’t be swayed by logical arguments. Understanding a person’s feelings is the key to understanding the person.

During holiday gatherings, we can keep the sharing part to a minimum. It’s imperative that we keep in mind that we are not trying to change anyone’s mind about anything. We are listening to understand and creating positive relationships. If we manage to offer a perspective the other person hasn’t thought about, it’s a bonus – but not the goal.

The chances of changing Aunt Joan’s mind are minimal at this point. We are giving her the gift of our attention. The greatest gift that we can give is our time and attention. We like to be seen and heard but don’t often feel like we are in the spotlight of someone’s attention.

Develop Solutions. In business, we begin brainstorming once we have all the facts and feelings on the table. First, we do some divergent thinking and come up with as many solutions as possible. Then we begin to narrow our choices by deciding which ones are practical, useful, and truly help the group as a whole.

With family and friends, we can participate in this step if everyone else thinks it will be fun. Coming up with outlandish possibilities to challenges discussed can be enjoyable. It can also be a nightmare. If we start handing possible solutions to Aunt Joan, who is an argumentative person, she is likely to get defensive.

During this phase when acting as a leader, it’s important to continually ask what is best for the people involved in the decision – whether that is a couple, a team, a family, or an organization. Developing Solutions at a holiday gathering is COMPLETELY OPTIONAL.

Agree. Ignore this step entirely! Most holiday discussions at the dinner table do not require agreement. Accept that families can offer us some of the best opportunities for personal growth. We get to practice letting others be themselves without any effort on our part to change them. Remember, the chair is a chair.  One conversation with us isn’t going to transform Aunt Joan into an open-minded, empathetic person. We get to practice listening to her fully and allowing her to be who she chooses to be.

Close. If we did need to agree on how to move forward, we would now check to make sure that everyone was on board, and we would explicitly state the agreement. Since we didn’t require agreement, we don’t have anything to clarify.

However, we can close by summarizing what we learned about the other person’s feelings and perspective.

The Discover and Share step of the conversation is the most important step. Holiday gatherings give us the chance to practice being curious without the pressure of coming to an agreement.

Bonus: We create a more positive relationship with friends and family. Our holiday gift to the world can be to make each person we talk with feel listened to, understood, and respected.

If we continue to practice curiousity and active listening in 2021, we participate in the gift that keeps on giving.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Stop the Hamster Wheel

21 Tuesday Jan 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Effective Conflict, Uncategorized

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#FeelingComplete, #hamsterwheel, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #ZeigarnikEffect

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Often, we run an event or conversation over and over in our minds. We think of what we should have said or things that we want to say now. We replay our actions and imagine what we could have done differently. Sometimes we even imagine scenarios that we want to happen. I’ve imagined conversations with people who have done me harm many times. The other person never comes out of that fantasy unscathed!

We obsess over conversations, events, and relationships because we don’t feel that they are complete. This is called the Zeigarnik effect. Understanding it can help us save a lot of emotional pennies.

Bluma Wulfovna Zeigarnik, a Russian psychiatrist and psychologist, defined this phenomenon back in 1927. She noticed that waiters could remember minute details about what people ordered until the orders were complete. Then, they remembered hardly anything about who ordered what.

She decided to do some research. She asked participants to do a series of tasks. Half were interrupted, and half allowed to complete the tasks. The group that was interrupted recalled details of the tasks 90% better than those that were allowed to complete them.

Now, the results have not been replicated by other researchers regularly, but it does give us something to think about. The Zeigarnik effect intuitively makes sense to me. I do hang on to events and relationships longer if I do not feel they are complete.

Think about an ongoing dispute or a slight you have suffered that you did not say anything about. Do you revisit those in your mind? Think about a dispute that was resolved to your satisfaction. Do you go over and over disputes that you feel are over and done? It can be difficult to come up with one because we tend to forget things that we feel are complete.

Wouldn’t it be great to forget the things that we dwell on? I know that I would like to spend fewer emotional pennies and clear up some space in my head. We can do it by finding ways to create a feeling of completion.

I fantasize about yelling at people, but that is not something that I’m going to do in real life. It’s important to me that I remain civil at all times. So what are my options? What would make me feel complete?

Psychologists suggest writing a letter to the person or people involved. We can send the letter, but we don’t have to. Sometimes just putting our thoughts and feelings on paper can release us from them. We can burn the letter or rip it into a million pieces.

We can also have a civil conversation with the person or people involved. It takes a great deal of skill to have a difficult conversation in a positive way. I’ve written about many of the perspectives and tools that can help, such as creating a conversation container and using the conversation outline.

We can use most any method as long as it makes us feel complete. I’ve punched a bunch of pillows when I’ve been extremely angry, but that hasn’t released me from the hamster wheel of repetitive thoughts about the thing that made me angry. Punching pillows might release some stress, but it doesn’t create a sense of completion for me.

Of course, time can help, but it doesn’t heal all wounds. I have a vivid memory of a group of girls standing between me and the locker room at the gym back in middle school. I did the right thing and did not engage, but it hurt my ego. I wanted to take them all on in one big brawl or throw insults back at them. I still want to.

It was middle school, and I bet that they don’t remember their youthful feistiness, but I do. It’s been more than 45 years since that event happened, and I remember it. I can actually feel a little adrenaline pumping when I relive it. However, now that I know about the Zeigarnik effect, I can figure out a way to release it.

John Gottman, the relationship researcher and expert, talks about the Zeigarnik effect. When couples begin a downward spiral of negativity that includes unresolved conflict and hurt feelings, they begin to dwell on every perceived transgression. Unless they bring the hurt out into the open, empathize with one another, and discuss their feelings until they feel heard and understood, the relationship is doomed.

Which brings us to the basic goal of feeling complete: our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. If we feel those things, we are generally able to release the event or relationship and move on – without the hamster wheel of repetitive thoughts.

Getting and giving what we need from others requires – ta-da! – psychological safety. We must create an environment where we and others feel free to share our thoughts and feelings. In order to do that, we must be trusting and trustworthy.

There’s a lot to be gained at both work and home by maintaining an atmosphere of openness and trust so that we avoid creating memories that require closure.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

The Four Communication Toxins

14 Tuesday Jan 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Effective Conflict, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#communicationtoxins, #effectiveconflict #conflictresolution #positive disagreements, #fourhorsemenoftheapocalypse, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays

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John Gottman is one of my favorite relationship researchers. In the ‘70s, when therapists were having couples whack each other with foam bats to alleviate aggression, he actually researched the effects of bopping each other. They weren’t good. As it turns out, once you start hitting someone, you feel more angry and aggressive. Makes sense to me. He probably saved a lot of people from some serious marital problems.

I’ve taken a series of seminars from Dr. Gottman and his wife. They’ve been researching couples for decades. He said that they couldn’t define a healthy relationship because they are so varied. There are, however, markers for relationships that are in trouble.

One set of markers has to do with how couples communicate with one another. He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because they are so damaging to relationships.

I use a lot of Gottman’s research in my leadership workshops because the ultimate goal of an exceptional leader is to create positive relationships. Gottman’s findings apply to all types of relationships, not just romantic ones.

In leadership workshops, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse become Communications Toxins. It’s a less intimidating and more descriptive name for the four ways that people communicate that cause damage to relationships. Let’s look at them one at a time.

The first Communication Toxin is criticism. We all have grievances to air with others, but how we relay the information makes all the difference. Gottman differentiates between a complaint and criticism. A complaint specifically states an action with which we have a problem. We amp that complaint up to criticism when we add on negative words about the person to whom we are complaining.

Here are a few examples from Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

Complaint: There’s no gas in the car. Why didn’t you fill it up like you said you would?

Criticism: Why can’t you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank, and you didn’t.

Complaint: You were supposed to check with me before inviting anyone over for dinner. I wanted to spend time alone with you tonight.

Criticism: Why do you keep putting your friends ahead of me? I always come last on your list. We were supposed to have dinner alone tonight.

Criticism includes blame and casts aspersions on the other person’s character.

The second Communication Toxin is contempt. Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor are all forms of contempt. Contempt is the most damaging of the toxins because using it conveys a feeling of disgust for the other person.

When using contempt, a person’s goal is not resolution of the problem. Their goal is to make the other person feel incompetent and blameworthy. In essence, it’s a campaign to demean the other person.

Here is an example of contempt from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

“We’re paying through the nose for your car, and you can’t be bothered to wash it. I think that’s outrageous. I think that’s probably the most spoiled thing that you do.”

This spouse is not just complaining about how his or her partner spends money. They are accusing the partner of the moral deficiency of being spoiled.

I assure you that using contempt is never a part of exemplary leadership. The goal of an extraordinary leader is to build positive relationships, not make people feel small and worthless. I often talk about the damaging effects of sarcasm in the workplace. We cannot use sarcasm without demeaning a person or organization.

The third Communication Toxin is defensiveness. Not getting defensive is a tough test for the ego, but Gottman contends that any attempt to defend yourself or your position only raises the level of tension. Defensiveness does not help to resolve the conflict.

Gottman says that the antidote for defensiveness is to accept responsibility for some of the problem. Here is an example from his latest book (and my favorite), What Makes Love Last?:

Contempt: “You’re such a slob – you should’ve cleaned this up!”

Defensiveness: “I couldn’t find the sponge. Where did you stash it this time?”

He doesn’t give any positive options in either book, but here is a possibility: “I apologize for not cleaning that up right away. I got sidetracked when I couldn’t find the sponge. Do you know where it is?”

We defuse criticism and contempt when we accept some responsibility for the challenge at hand, which can be very difficult. When under attack, our immediate and understandable response is to defend ourselves at the very least. It takes a great deal of self-control and emotional intelligence not to show righteous indignation, act like a put-upon victim, or launch a counterattack.

The fourth and final Communication Toxin is stonewalling. Normally in a conversation, we give signals that we are listening. We nod our heads, mutter an assent, or maintain eye contact. When we are stonewalling, we give no nonverbal signals that we are listening. We check out of the conversation and refuse to engage. It is an avoidance technique.

Often, we stonewall because we’ve become overwhelmed by the disagreement. Gottman calls it “flooding.” When we are flooded, we’ve gone into fight-or-flight mode. Our bodies are actually flooded with a mixture of hormones that makes it difficult for us to be creative, listen with empathy, problem-solve, or even think clearly. We become impassive like stone walls to protect ourselves.

If someone is stonewalling because they are flooded, it’s best to walk away and let them calm down. No empathetic statements or attempts to soothe will get through.

The four Communication Toxins will be present in all relationships, whether personal or professional. They do not appear in a certain order. Gottman says that they perform more like a relay race, handing the baton off to one another as an argument races forward.

Our job as leaders is to minimize our use of the Communication Toxins, which takes quite a bit of self-awareness and self-discipline. We can also recognize when others use them and minimize their effects.

The best antidote to all of the Communication Toxins is curiosity. When we get curious and ask thoughtful questions about both the fact and feeling part of an issue, we are meeting people’s personal needs to be listened to, understood, and respected. Once that happens, they usually calm down and communicate more effectively.

Of course, there are people who are dead-set on winning or creating discord. In the workplace, we coach them on their behavior because it can seriously disrupt the effectiveness of a group or team. If our team doesn’t feel free to express an opinion for fear of being on the receiving end of criticism or contempt, psychological safety is not present. Remember, psychological safety is the key to high performance.

Here is a final quote from What Makes Love Last?:

“Earlier in my career, I thought that if couples learned to avoid the Four Horsemen, they would automatically communicate in positive ways that would allow love to flourish. This is not the case. Defeating the Four Horsemen will not be enough to resolve all of a couple’s problems. That can be achieved only by healing and reestablishing mutual trust.”

Yep, trust is still the foundation of positive relationships, psychological safety, and effective teams. How we communicate matters, but not as much as being trustworthy.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Holiday Conversation Outline

20 Tuesday Nov 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Effective Conflict, Emotional Intelligence, Uncategorized

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Tags

#conflict, #holidayconversationoutline, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #noneedtoagree, #peacefulfamlydinner

holiday conversation outline

I’ve talked about an effective outline for conversations in the past. Discussions at work usually require some sort of agreement. Many personal conversations do, as well. However, holiday discussions over a turkey rarely require agreement and an action plan to move forward. Keeping this in mind can help us create a peaceful and enjoyable holiday.

Let’s go through a holiday version of the Conversation Outline.

Open. The opening happens when one person brings up a topic. When acting in a leadership position, we want to make sure the topic is focused and clear. Holiday openings made by anyone at the table can be a messier affair.

We can help to start the conversation in a positive way by avoiding assumptions and getting curious. If Aunt Joan says, “People with tattoos shouldn’t be allowed to get food stamps,” she is opening a conversation. Instead of disagreeing immediately and assuming what she means by that comment, we could better serve the group by getting curious.

We could ask, “Aunt Joan, what connection is there between tattoos and receiving food stamps?” Now, our nonverbals our key here. If we ask with the slightest hint of sarcasm or disapproval, all is lost! Curiosity is our guiding light. Why does she think there is a link between tattoos and food stamps? Don’t make assumptions. Ask!

Once we have a clearer picture of her objection, we have our topic of conversation.

Discover and Share. This is the most important step in a conversation. We often skip this step and move straight to positional arguing about the best thing to do.

In Discover and Share, we take time to listen fully by being completely present and listening for understanding. We pay attention to the words being said, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. We are curious about everything and ask a lot of questions.

Giving focused attention to someone is a gift. We don’t often feel like we are in the spotlight of someone’s attention, even though we like being seen and heard.

It’s very important to be curious about both the fact and feeling parts of another person’s stance. We usually focus solely on the facts. We can get a lot further along in knowing another person if we ask about their feelings, as well. We could say to Aunt Joan, “This topic seems to make you angry. What about this makes you mad?” Many of our most closely held beliefs aren’t logical and can’t be swayed by logical arguments. Understanding a person’s feelings is the key to understanding the person.

During holiday gatherings, we can keep the sharing part to a minimum. It’s imperative that we keep in mind that we are not trying to change anyone’s mind about anything. We are listening to understand and creating positive relationships. If we manage to offer a perspective the other person hasn’t thought about, it’s a bonus – but not the goal.

The chances of changing Aunt Joan’s mind are minimal at this point. We are giving her the gift of our attention. The greatest gift that we can  give is our time and attention.

Develop Solutions. In business, we begin brainstorming once we have all the facts and feelings on the table. I see it as a funnel that begins with a wide variety of options and slowly narrows down to the best choice.

With family and friends, we can participate in this step if everyone else thinks it would be fun. Coming up with outlandish possibilities to challenges discussed can be enjoyable. It can also be a nightmare. If we start handing possible solutions to Aunt Joan, who is an argumentative person, she is likely to get defensive.

During this phase when acting as a leader, it’s important to continually ask what is best for the people involved in the decision – whether that is a couple, a team, a family, or an organization. Developing Solutions at a holiday gathering is COMPLETELY OPTIONAL.

Agree. Ignore this step entirely! Most holiday discussions at the dinner table do not require agreement. Accept that families can offer us some of the best opportunities for personal growth. We get to practice letting others be themselves without any effort on our part to change them. One conversation with us isn’t going to transform Aunt Joan into an open-minded, empathetic person. We get to practice listening to her fully and allowing her to be who she chooses to be.

Close. If we did need to agree on how to move forward, we would now check to make sure that everyone was on board, and we would explicitly state the agreement. Since we didn’t require agreement, we don’t have anything to clarify.

However, we can close by summarizing what we learned about the other person’s feelings and perspective.

The Discover and Share step of the conversation is the most important step. Holiday gatherings give us the chance to practice being curious without the pressure of coming to an agreement. Bonus: We create a more positive relationship with friends and family. Our holiday gift to the world can be to make each person we talk with feel listened to, understood, and respected.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Effective Conflict: Ask Yourself This Question First

24 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Effective Conflict, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#doesitmatter, #effectiveconflict #conflictresolution #positive disagreements, #letitgo

Does it matter 550 px cropped

When we find ourselves in a situation that feels like a challenge to our authority or egos, there is one question we can ask ourselves that will save us a lot of headaches and heartaches. I’ve been talking about this quite a bit lately, and it can have a profound impact on our lives and relationships. If we use this question, we can entirely avoid many conflicts. The question is: Does it really matter?

We create conflict when we don’t really need to by insisting on having things our own way. It happens all the time! We are human, and we have egos. We have clear ideas about how things should be done. We like to get our own way – and we don’t always need to.

When my children were in middle school, I felt like I was saying no to them all the time. They wanted more freedom, and I felt like they were always challenging me. Refusing them was my default. It felt like we were butting heads all the time. It was exhausting.

After some coaching and communication training, I decided to say yes unless there was a really good reason to say no. Yes became my default. One of the questions that I asked when deciding on my answer was, “Does it really matter if they do this their own way?”

The answer to long hair and clothes from thrift shops was no; it didn’t really matter. I did have the urge to attach notes to them that said, “I have offered to buy them clothes that are not old and ill-fitting,” but I resisted. They wanted to express themselves, and it didn’t really matter. They weren’t in danger, weren’t putting anyone else in danger, and weren’t being disrespectful or unkind. They were just being them. The result was that we got along much better, and they learned that there were good reasons when I said no.

One year, my husband made a New Year’s resolution to let me have my way. He didn’t tell me what he was doing for a while. A funny thing happened on the way to giving me my way: I started reciprocating. We “gave in” on where to eat dinner, how to slice mushrooms, and how to fold t-shirts. It was the best year ever!

We can create positivity in relationships by giving up control whenever possible. I talk about this concept in my leadership workshops. Does it matter if an employee does a process or procedure a new or different way? If whatever it is will still get done in a timely manner, then let him or her do it in their own way. Autonomy is motivating, and our employees are more enthusiastic and motivated when they get to make some decisions – so are our significant others and friends.

We can create more peace for ourselves and others if we just let everyone else do what they want as often as possible. Ask yourself, “Does it matter?” If the answer is no, pat your ego on the head, tell it everything will be alright, and give some power and autonomy away. It will come back to you in surprising ways.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: Opening a Difficult Dialogue

17 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Effective Conflict, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#ConfrontationModel, #effectiveconflict #conflictresolution #positive disagreements, #OpeningStatement, #Relationships #Leadership, #softstart

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My coaching clients often identify issues that consistently drain their emotional energy. Many times, the issue involves another person, and the only way to resolve the issue is to have a conversation with that person. Unfortunately, few of us are adept, or even comfortable, beginning conversations that are going to be difficult.

Most of the time, it is a conversation my client dreads, which is totally understandable. Most of us aren’t trained to handle conflict, and we rarely see conflict done well. Every sitcom and reality show on television depends on people handling conflict poorly!

However, we can have productive conversations about disagreements that will actually strengthen our relationships. It takes a little courage if you don’t care for difficult conversations, but the results can be life-changing.

The key is to start the conversation well. This is the Opening of the Conversation Outline. Research shows that if we begin a conversation harshly, it will end harshly more than 90% of the time. The opening is crucial. We want to clearly state what we want to talk about it in a non-confrontational manner.

A harsh startup generally starts with the word “you.” We have a better chance of getting our desired outcome from a conversation if we begin with an I statement.

My first exposure to I statements was when my oldest son was in first grade. He had a very intelligent teacher who taught them all the simplest of I statements: “I don’t like it when you do that. Please stop.”

As adults, our I statements can be a little more elaborate. They contain four parts and begin with “I”:

  1. How we feel.
  2. The event that created the feeling.
  3. The effect that the event has on us.
  4. Statement of a positive alternative event.

It all goes together like this:

I [feel this] when [this happens] because [effect the event has]. [State positive alternative.]

Here are a couple of examples:

“I feel frustrated and annoyed when I am reminded to do my assigned task because I am a professional who takes my responsibilities seriously. I will finish my work without reminders.”

“I feel insulted and hurt when people call me rude names because it makes me feel disrespected. I work better when given constructive feedback in a positive way.”

It’s best to give an I statement as soon as an offending behavior has occurred. However, that isn’t always possible. When hearing our response after the fact, many people respond with incredulity or denial. They deny behaving the way described. When we talk about the event later, it’s a good idea to have the exact circumstances in mind and be ready to share them.

Sometimes, we are giving an I statement about something that happens regularly. If that is the case, be ready to share several examples. Be sure to state them factually and without blame.

Sometimes, we have contributed to the situation in some way. If that is the case, we can help to resolve the issue by admitting to our part in creating it. Maybe we haven’t let everyone know our expectations. Perhaps we’ve been annoyed for a while and haven’t spoken up. It could be that our nonverbals when we are upset provoke others to anger. If we contribute, we want to own it.

Lastly, it’s a good idea to reassure the person that we want to resolve the issue. We want to be sure that they know our intent is to create and maintain a positive relationship. After all, that is the hallmark of a great leader.

Now we go through the rest of the Conversation Outline: Discover and Share > Develop Solutions > Agree > Close. Discover and Share is the most important step. We want to use active listening skills be sure to ask about the fact and feeling parts of the issue. We want to be sure that the other person feels confident that we understand and acknowledge his or her positions, interests, and feelings before we move on to Develop Solutions.

Once we agree on a solution, we want to discuss what we have learned and where we are now in the Agree step. We want to be sure to clearly define who is doing what by when.

In Close, we ask if there is anything else that needs to be said and express gratitude for the person for working through the challenge or issue with us.

When discussing conversations that need to happen with coaching clients, they often tell me that the other person won’t be able to handle the discussion or that talking with him or her won’t help. First, the alternative to not having the conversation is to continue to endure a situation that is causing stress and draining emotional energy. Second, we really don’t know how it will turn out until we try. The other person may get emotional. That’s okay! It is perfectly alright for people to feel strong emotions. We don’t need to protect them from that – or run from it. It takes some courage, but we can witness someone feeling strong emotions. In coaching, we call it standing in the lion’s roar. I love that metaphor.

I want to add one caveat. I find that most people are reasonable human beings who will engage in a productive conversation if given the invitation and circumstances that make them feel safe to engage in a dialogue. Effective conflict involves telling others what we think and feel. We must be a little vulnerable, and most people are willing to do that. However, there are a few mean-spirited people out there whose goal is to cause harm. It isn’t a misunderstanding; it’s an attack. If you can, let those people go.

If you can’t let them go, document every conversation. At work it is especially important to get everything that you can in writing. Send an email summary of the conversation, and ask for the other person to confirm that you understood everything correctly. Whatever the circumstance, do your best to keep the negative meanies from stealing your joy. They are not worth it.

Most of the time, we can improve our lives by easing tension and removing energy drains with some preparation, determination, and courage. Grab some support if you need it, and know that no matter the outcome, the conversation is usually worth it.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Effective Conflict: Simmering Conflicts

10 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Effective Conflict, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Tags

#effectiveconflict #conflictresolution #positive disagreements, #simmeringconflict

simmering conflict 559 px cropped

 

We tend to think that yelling and arguing are an intrinsic part of conflict. They certainly can be, despite our best efforts. However, conflict can also be like a low-grade fever – a simmering disagreement that saps our energy and uses vital emotional energy.

When I coach people, I like to start off by eliminating as many energy drains as possible. Energy drains can be clutter, toxic relationships, a leaky toilet, disorganization, work we don’t like, and smoldering disagreements that never burst into flames.

The first step is to identify the simmering conflict. What specifically is bothering you and why? We want to do some soul searching to uncover conflicts that are draining our energy and joy.

Think about your days. When does your stomach clench? When do you feel your shoulders tighten? What tasks do you dread? What people do you wish you could avoid? Why?

As an example, let’s say that I have a friend who calls to complain about her life and never listens to what I have to say. I am irritated before, during, and after our conversations. In this example, it’s a conflict that the other person does not know about. The friend is happy as a clam to unload on me and move on. There is a discussion that I need to have that I am avoiding.

Next, we want to dive into the situation and figure out why it bothers us. In this step, we want to get a clear picture of the issue. Sometimes in thinking about a situation, there is more than one issue to deal with. We want to untangle the threads and focus on the one thing that is going to improve the quality of our lives.

In our example, let’s say that this is a relatively new friendship with a woman named Gertrude. We met at our children’s soccer game. We went out to lunch a couple of times, and then Gertrude began to call to chat. Gradually the chatting turned into complaining. Although Gertrude likes to talk, she does not like to listen. She has a negative view of most people and situations. She is also a victim. Everything is always someone else’s fault.

Generally we are triggered by things that are not in alignment with our values. If I believe that positivity is important, Gertrude is messing with my mental state. If I believe that it’s important to act and change a situation that you do not like, Gertrude’s victimhood is especially annoying.

We can do a cost v. benefit analysis by looking at all the ways that this situation is impacting us and anyone else. There can be positive impacts, and we want to consider those, too.

Here are some questions to ask:

  • How is this issue or situation affecting me?
  • Is the situation affecting others?
  • What results are currently being produced for each of us affected by the situation?
  • What are my emotions when I consider the impact of the situation?

In our example with Gertrude, I spend time dreading her call, suffering through the call, and stewing about the call when it’s done. This relationship is toxic for me in its current form.

It’s taking time away from the other things that I want to accomplish. I am often in a bad mood when I deal with my family. I am resentful and angry. I feel that I am being taken advantage of. It’s a one-sided relationship that doesn’t give me much benefit.

If I think of how it’s affecting Gertrude, I am helping her stay in the same victim mentality by not speaking up. She is upset about something, vents to me, feels better, and moves on without taking any action to improve the situation. I am not helping her.

In addition to considering the costs and benefits, I want to ask myself how I am contributing to this situation. It’s important to really think about what we are doing or not doing to contribute to this issue. If we do a major gut-check, we often can unearth some underlying causes that we own.

In our example, I am not setting proper boundaries with Gertrude, and it’s not healthy for me or her. My contribution has been inaction. I haven’t told Gertrude how I feel so that she has a chance to react or change. I am allowing a one-sided relationship to continue.

So, we’ve determined what we don’t like and don’t want. Now we want to uncover the dream behind the complaint. What do we want?

This is my favorite part. I love dreaming up best-case scenarios! We want to imagine a clear image of what we want and then check in with our emotions about that outcome. Then we want to consider how that outcome will affect others.

In our Gertrude example, I could imagine a life without Gertrude. I could just fade away from her life and become less and less available. It comes down to whether or not I believe that Gertrude’s friendship could be valuable and enjoyable. I need to ask myself if I’d miss her.

I’m going to say that in this made-up world with my made-up friend, I think I want to try and save the relationship. I want to sit down and talk with Gertrude about how I feel. It could make our relationship stronger in the end. We do have some fun times together.

Now that we have a clear picture of the situation and what we want to create, it’s time to take action. In the usual strategic planning way, we want to know who is going to do what by when. We also want to think about obstacles that could get in our way.

I am going to talk with Gertrude. It could be a difficult conversation, but I think that our relationship is worth the risk and the effort. I want to practice what I want to say. An outline for a good way to open the conversation is here. I often role-play with my coaching clients so that they have a chance to practice and clarify their message.

When considering obstacles, I could be the main obstacle – that is, my fear of confrontation. In this made-up scenario, I don’t like it when people get upset. I am going to invite Gertrude to lunch next Thursday, and I will talk with her then.

Whatever action we take must be in alignment with our values. In our example, I am not the kind of person who would distance myself from Gertrude and leave her wondering what happened. That feels icky to me. Although talking with her makes me feel nervous, it also is in alignment with who I want to be.

There you have it! A simple process to help you gain emotional freedom and authenticity! Many energy drains require confrontation and resolution. Sometimes the conflict is with ourselves, but many times it involves addressing a situation that we’d rather avoid. Keep in mind that the short-term discomfort of a tense conversation is much better than a simmering conflict that would drain your energy for the rest of your life.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effect Conflict: What Reality Are You In?

03 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Effective Conflict, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Tags

#effectiveconflict #conflictresolution #positive disagreements, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #ThreeLevelsofReality

Three Levels of Reality meme

The “Three Levels of Reality” sounds like a great title for a Star Trek episode. However, it is a model that can improve our ability to communicate effectively, handle conflict in a positive way, and motivate others. I learned the concept during my Organization and Relationship System Coaching (ORSC) certification program, and I discuss it in leadership seminars all the time. The three levels are Essence, Dreaming, and Consensus Reality.

Essence level describes feeling and experience before we put it into words. Once we start to describe a feeling or experience, it becomes less accurate because the description depends on words that cannot adequately capture an experience, feeling, or potential.

Once we have named a feeling, experience, or idea, we are in Dream level. There we create different possible outcomes and imagine things that we can then make real.

Consensus Reality is where dreams go when we make them a reality. Consensus Reality is what we all agree is here – chairs, offices, procedures, companies, etc.

Successful groups navigate through the different levels together. A group that stays in Dreaming level can become frustrated because it never DOES anything. On the other hand, if a group jumps straight to Consensus Reality level, they miss a lot of possibilities that happen in brainstorming and exploring in Dream level. Conflict happens when one person is talking about ideas in Dream level and another is talking tangible facts in Consensus Reality. I see this type of conflict often in my coaching.

Some of us are dreamers who like to discuss our ideas out loud. Others are logical people who like to talk about facts; we don’t say something unless we intend to follow through on it. Logical people judge ideas by how reasonable they are. When dreamers and logical people talk about things, conflict and frustration can often arise because they are talking on two different levels of reality.

For example, let’s say a married couple is out for a walk. The husband is a dreamer who likes to talk about ideas and what might be possible. He begins to talk about all of the wonderful things that they could do to remodel and transform their kitchen. Dreamers like to talk about ideas. They usually don’t intend to act on them right away. They get joy from talking about possibilities.

The wife is a logical person and a realist. She knows that they cannot afford to redo the kitchen right now. Besides, it would also create a huge mess, and they have people coming to their home for the holidays. She immediately begins to point out all of these facts. The husband is hurt and angry that she is squashing his ideas and fun. The wife is upset that the husband would consider turning her life upside down right now.

When I work with teams and couples with these two types of people, I explain that they are talking on two different levels of reality. Dreamers like to dream. Unless a dreamer says something three times, he or she probably doesn’t intend to follow through right now.

If the logical person can join in the dreaming, the conversation can be quite fun. I find it helps to have an opening conversation about the Three Levels of Reality. We talk about the levels and how we behave when we are in each level. The logical person is free to join in the dreaming fun once he or she is confident that the conversation isn’t about concrete plans.

If the logical person isn’t sure, he or she can check in and ask, “Are we dreaming?” If the dreamer says yes, then off they go! This one revelation completely transformed the relationship of one couple that I worked with for the better.

Talking about the levels of reality with a person or group is just creating clear communication. Many conflicts are not true disagreements; they are misunderstandings. We don’t ask enough questions and keep an open mind during a conversation. We make assumptions based on our own beliefs, experiences, and personality types.

Once again, I am going to harken back to the Conversation Outline and the Listen and Share step. We can avoid a lot of conflict just by being curious and open-minded. Most people have a logical reason for what they think and believe. We can resolve conflict when we have all of the information that we need. We cannot resolve conflict effectively if we are working from assumptions. We ask questions to determine in which level of reality each person is operating.

After the Listen and Share step is Develop Solutions. It’s the brainstorming step. I think of it as a funnel. In the beginning, there is a lot of dreaming and talking about possibilities. That sort of discussion fosters creativity. Then we begin to talk about those ideas in terms of what is reasonable and feasible. Remember, assuming that our standard for “reasonable” is the same as everyone else’s is a dangerous thing. At every step in a conversation, it’s important to be curious and ask questions. The dreamers and logical people find their common ground during the process of developing solutions.

For a bit of practice, define the level of reality in which you are operating throughout the day. Then, figure out what level other people are in. Conversations across levels usually end in conflict. Skillfully recognizing and steering a group (and yourself) through the different levels improves motivation, creativity, and productivity because it fosters clear communication – which is the foundation of effective conflict.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: Pick Your Style

26 Tuesday Sep 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Effective Conflict, Leadership, Uncategorized

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#conflictstyle, #effectiveconflict #conflictresolution #positive disagreements, #TKImodel

conflict style 550 px

We can use various styles to handle conflict. We can do it quickly with little regard for the relationships that we harm. We can make consensus the goal and take the time needed to ensure that each and every person’s voice is heard and that their needs are met. We usually have a preferred style of conflict resolution, but we need to be able to use the style that is most likely to get us the outcome that we want.

Below is model that displays various ways to deal with conflict. It’s the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument (TKI) Model. You can take an assessment to figure out your preferred conflict style. Our individual preferences are nice to know, but it’s more important to understand that each of these approaches to conflict is appropriate in different situations.

TKI model

 (Thomas-Kilmann Instrument (TKI) Model)

First, let’s look at the model. Assertiveness is the vertical axis on the left side of the graph. The higher up a conflict style is on the graph, the more assertive it is.

The axis at the bottom indicates how cooperative a person is being when using a particular approach to conflict. The conflict approaches farther to the right use more cooperation than the ones on the left.

In workshops, I use the example of a mom and her children deciding where to go to dinner to illustrate the different approaches to conflict.

COMPETING. If you look at the graphic, you can see that when we use a Competing approach to conflict, we are being very assertive and very uncooperative. In the Competing style, we adopt an “I win and you lose” perspective. We are going to use everything we’ve got to get our own way. Relationships don’t matter to us.

In our dining example, the mom really wants Mexican food, and she tells the kids to get in the car because they are going to a Mexican restaurant. There is no discussion, and the children have no input.

We can only use the Competing style if we have the power to make everyone do what we want. For example, the five year old of the family would not be able to force the family to go for pizza because she can’t drive or pay.

There are times when the Competing approach is appropriate. The first situation is when safety is an immediate issue. I am going to yell at you to stop if you are about to walk into the street where a bus will inevitably hit you. If I am facilitating a class and the fire alarm goes off, I’m not going to ask the group how they want to leave the room and which exit they want to use. I’m going to tell them exactly what to do.

The military uses a Competing style in critical situations. No military leader in his or her right mind is going to take a vote on how to react to an ambush or how to move forward in an attack.

In the everyday world, we use lack of time as our reason for using a Competing approach. Most of us feel very busy, and we don’t think that we have time to ask for input and have a discussion about a situation or decision. It’s important to note that the input and discussion are worth the time and should be included whenever possible. People feel part of a decision when they have input. They also feel valued. The Competing style does not enhance the positivity of relationships and should only be used when absolutely necessary.

ACCOMMODATING. In an Accommodating style of conflict resolution, the outcome doesn’t matter to us. In our dinner example, the mom doesn’t really care where the family goes to dinner. Pizza may not be her favorite, but if that is what everyone else wants, she is willing to drive them there and eat some pizza.

As leaders, we want to use the Accommodating style whenever possible. We want to give others as much autonomy as we can. It’s motivating to have some power over how we do things or what we are achieving. Some leaders have trouble letting people do things their own way. Make an effort to let others lead and decide whenever you can.

It’s fine to leave the decisions to others when we truly don’t care about the outcome. It is not okay to say we don’t care when we really do – that’s passive-aggressive behavior. If I say that I don’t care where we go to dinner, I need to truly not care where we go to dinner.

AVOIDING.  When we use an Avoiding conflict resolution style, we don’t take part in the conflict at all. We would be the teenager of the family who doesn’t want to be seen out in public with our lame family under any circumstance, so dinner is irrelevant. We aren’t assertive, but we also aren’t cooperative. We don’t care about what anyone else wants, and we don’t want to deal with them or the situation.

It is appropriate to use the Avoiding style when the situation has nothing to do with us. We often get worked up about decisions and how something “should” be done when we are not truly affected. For example, it may offend our moral sensibilities when someone is not working the way we believe that he or she should. However, performance issues are usually between a person and his or her supervisor. It’s best if we do our work to the best of our abilities and let them work it out. Our participation is not needed or helpful.

COMPROMISING. The Compromising approach is the one that is used most often and is appropriate much of the time. When using it, we ensure that everyone’s ideas are heard and then meet as many needs of as many people as possible in a reasonable amount of time.

Remember, our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. We can do all of those things when using a Compromising style and develop and maintain positive relationships.

When deciding where to go to dinner, we might take suggestions and then ask for a vote. Telling one child that she can choose where we go for dessert next time because she doesn’t want to go eat ice cream like everyone else is a Compromising style.

COLLABORATING. The Collaborating style is both very cooperative and very assertive. The goal is to satisfy the needs of everyone. This style requires a lot of time, energy, and commitment.

In our dinner example, we are going to make sure that everyone is happy with our restaurant choice and everyone is committed to making the best darn decision that we can. We are going to make a list of possible restaurants, ask for input from everyone, and consider how far each is from the house. We might create a list of average costs for a meal for each place that we are considering. We would also consider when each person ate last at the places being considered. We are going to spend a spend a good chunk of time on this and should probably be considering where to eat next week and not tonight.

The Collaborating style is appropriate for big, expensive decisions. If we are deciding where to build a new facility or whether or not to buy a house, we want to be sure that we have researched all the pertinent facts and unearthed as many advantages and disadvantages as possible. Using a Collaborative style helps to ensure that we aren’t missing any vital information needed to make a good decision.

We each have our own preferred style of conflict resolution. That style can change when we are stressed. It’s good to be aware of our preferences, but it’s also important not to be a one-hit wonder and only use that style. Great leaders use the style appropriate for the situation – no matter what their preferences are.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: Listening Creates Solutions

19 Tuesday Sep 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Effective Conflict, Uncategorized

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Tags

#effectiveconflict #conflictresolution #positive disagreements, #listenfully, relationships

listening fully 550 px

Sometimes I help groups that are stuck in disagreement find solutions. When we meet, every person who walks in the door has the problem in one pocket and the solution in the other pocket. They are all completely certain that their view of the situation are clear and correct. They also believe that they have determined the correct solution using the best criteria.

What’s fascinating is that each person has his or her own definition of the problem that is rarely the same as anyone else’s. The solutions they bring are different, and the standards used to judge those solutions’ correctness often vary wildly.

Of course, they don’t know all that when they walk in. They’ve been arguing but not listening. They may know each other’s solutions, but they rarely have figured out why each person believes that their solution is best. They have been arguing positions without asking questions or truly listening.

The best illustration of what is missing from the discussion is the Conversation Outline that I’ve talked about before (https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2017/08/15/lets-talk-conversation-outline).

Conversation outline 4

When in conflict, we usually jump from Opening to Develop Solutions. It amounts to saying, “Let’s talk about the new procedure” and then each person insisting that his or her way is the right way. This chain of events damages relationships and doesn’t increase the chances of the group agreeing to anything other than the fact that they don’t like each other.

The Listen and Share stage is often skipped, and it is where the biggest picture of the problem is discovered. Let’s say that a team must decide on a vendor to use for a new project. One person believes that the most reliable vendor is the one to choose. Another thinks that the lowest-cost vendor is the best choice. Another person might say that they should stick with the one that they have now with whom they’ve built a relationship. One team member thinks they should give a brand new and promising vendor an opportunity.

Each person is using reasonable criteria for his or her decision. In the Listen and Share stage, the group stops to figure out what those criteria are – they listen for understanding. In the process, they acquire a complete view of the situation. In essence, they pull the problems and solutions out of their pockets and lay them all out on the table. Then they examine them one by one without trying to convince each other of anything. The discussion is truly sharing and listening – not arguing or convincing.

During the Listen and Share stage, it’s important that everyone stays curious. They would ask questions like, “Why do you think reliability is more important that cost?” and “What advantages do you think the new vendor would bring?”

Here is an important side note: authentic curiosity is imperative! You can ask the questions above with a sarcastic or snide tone and ruin the relationship and the discussion. It can be difficult to put our egos aside and listen to other people’s ideas, but listening and curiosity are the keys to great solutions. If you are having a hard time, remember that maintaining a positive relationship with others is key in getting to your desired outcome. No one likes to “give in” to someone who is mean to them.

After I have guided a group through the discussion process, they come up with a better solution than any one person brought through the door. It’s a better solution because it’s been created by many different brains and perspectives. We take the collective knowledge of the group and then use their collective brain power to decide on the best course of action for the group or organization. It is a fabulous process to watch.

There may be a person or two who won’t let go of a solution because it helps them the most or just because they’ve let their egos get the best of them. Those people who put their own needs above the needs of others and the organization benefit from coaching conversations with their leaders.

Once a person has taken a strong position, it can be difficult to change because it feels like defeat. It’s important for the group to accept a person’s change in position gracefully and never do the “I told you so” dance or say, “I knew you’d come around to the right way of thinking.” Not cool.

For the most part, after a facilitated discussion, there is more understanding and less animosity – and the decision is a good one that the group feels confident about. You can achieve those same results by focusing on the Listen and Share stage of the conversation outline. Ensuring that every person’s perspective is heard and understood makes finding a solution much, much easier.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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