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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Tag Archives: #conflict

Holiday Conversation Outline

20 Tuesday Nov 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Effective Conflict, Emotional Intelligence, Uncategorized

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#conflict, #holidayconversationoutline, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #noneedtoagree, #peacefulfamlydinner

holiday conversation outline

I’ve talked about an effective outline for conversations in the past. Discussions at work usually require some sort of agreement. Many personal conversations do, as well. However, holiday discussions over a turkey rarely require agreement and an action plan to move forward. Keeping this in mind can help us create a peaceful and enjoyable holiday.

Let’s go through a holiday version of the Conversation Outline.

Open. The opening happens when one person brings up a topic. When acting in a leadership position, we want to make sure the topic is focused and clear. Holiday openings made by anyone at the table can be a messier affair.

We can help to start the conversation in a positive way by avoiding assumptions and getting curious. If Aunt Joan says, “People with tattoos shouldn’t be allowed to get food stamps,” she is opening a conversation. Instead of disagreeing immediately and assuming what she means by that comment, we could better serve the group by getting curious.

We could ask, “Aunt Joan, what connection is there between tattoos and receiving food stamps?” Now, our nonverbals our key here. If we ask with the slightest hint of sarcasm or disapproval, all is lost! Curiosity is our guiding light. Why does she think there is a link between tattoos and food stamps? Don’t make assumptions. Ask!

Once we have a clearer picture of her objection, we have our topic of conversation.

Discover and Share. This is the most important step in a conversation. We often skip this step and move straight to positional arguing about the best thing to do.

In Discover and Share, we take time to listen fully by being completely present and listening for understanding. We pay attention to the words being said, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. We are curious about everything and ask a lot of questions.

Giving focused attention to someone is a gift. We don’t often feel like we are in the spotlight of someone’s attention, even though we like being seen and heard.

It’s very important to be curious about both the fact and feeling parts of another person’s stance. We usually focus solely on the facts. We can get a lot further along in knowing another person if we ask about their feelings, as well. We could say to Aunt Joan, “This topic seems to make you angry. What about this makes you mad?” Many of our most closely held beliefs aren’t logical and can’t be swayed by logical arguments. Understanding a person’s feelings is the key to understanding the person.

During holiday gatherings, we can keep the sharing part to a minimum. It’s imperative that we keep in mind that we are not trying to change anyone’s mind about anything. We are listening to understand and creating positive relationships. If we manage to offer a perspective the other person hasn’t thought about, it’s a bonus – but not the goal.

The chances of changing Aunt Joan’s mind are minimal at this point. We are giving her the gift of our attention. The greatest gift that we can  give is our time and attention.

Develop Solutions. In business, we begin brainstorming once we have all the facts and feelings on the table. I see it as a funnel that begins with a wide variety of options and slowly narrows down to the best choice.

With family and friends, we can participate in this step if everyone else thinks it would be fun. Coming up with outlandish possibilities to challenges discussed can be enjoyable. It can also be a nightmare. If we start handing possible solutions to Aunt Joan, who is an argumentative person, she is likely to get defensive.

During this phase when acting as a leader, it’s important to continually ask what is best for the people involved in the decision – whether that is a couple, a team, a family, or an organization. Developing Solutions at a holiday gathering is COMPLETELY OPTIONAL.

Agree. Ignore this step entirely! Most holiday discussions at the dinner table do not require agreement. Accept that families can offer us some of the best opportunities for personal growth. We get to practice letting others be themselves without any effort on our part to change them. One conversation with us isn’t going to transform Aunt Joan into an open-minded, empathetic person. We get to practice listening to her fully and allowing her to be who she chooses to be.

Close. If we did need to agree on how to move forward, we would now check to make sure that everyone was on board, and we would explicitly state the agreement. Since we didn’t require agreement, we don’t have anything to clarify.

However, we can close by summarizing what we learned about the other person’s feelings and perspective.

The Discover and Share step of the conversation is the most important step. Holiday gatherings give us the chance to practice being curious without the pressure of coming to an agreement. Bonus: We create a more positive relationship with friends and family. Our holiday gift to the world can be to make each person we talk with feel listened to, understood, and respected.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Everything Has A Fact and A Feeling Part

07 Tuesday Feb 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Feelings, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Tags

#Communication, #conflict, #factsandfeelings, #KathySays, Feelings

fact-and-feeling-2

February Feelings

Everything has a fact and a feeling part.

Feelings are an important part of being human, and they are present in every facet of life. It’s valuable to keep in mind that every message and situation has both a fact and a feeling part. One must identify both parts in order to deal with a conflict effectively or to communicate clearly. I learned this lesson late in life, and it would have saved me some time and trouble if I’d known about it sooner.

For 20 years, I led volunteers as an Army spouse. In one group that met monthly, there was one young woman who always sat at my right hand and objected to everything that the group proposed. She objected on a factual level – things like logistics, budget, and convenience. She slowed us down every single month.

If I’d been more savvy, I would have figured out that it wasn’t the facts that bothered her. She was having strong feelings that I was ignoring.  I had a vague notion that she was unhappy or resentful, but I had no idea why. If I’d asked and listened, I could have saved us a lot of time arguing over facts for no good reason.

It’s a good idea to make a practice of identifying the fact and feeling part of situations. Is your pre-teen refusing to wash dishes? If so, then ask how he or she feels about washing the dishes. Of course, no one gets out of washing the dishes just because they don’t like the job. However, finding out why your pre-teen doesn’t like it can open an interesting discussion.

If a coworker consistently objects to following a procedure, find out why. You may get factual responses at first, but ask some curious questions about feelings until you know how he or she feels about the procedure. The discussion will usually include why he or she has those feelings, and that’s where the valuable part of the discussion resides. Once we know the emotions that a person is feeling and why, we have what we need to start finding a solution to the challenge.

You can even ask yourself about the feeling part of a personal situation. It’s great to list the facts and to know the pros and cons of possible actions. It is also enlightening to know how you feel about those possible actions and why. You can gain insight into your values and priorities by getting in touch with your feelings.

The answers to the question of what someone is feeling and why are usually surprising – something that you wouldn’t have guessed. The only way to identify the feeling part of a situation is to ask! The answer is the information that you need to begin finding a solution.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Three Levels of Reality

10 Friday Apr 2015

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership

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Tags

#conflict, #consensusreality, #dreaming, #essence, #leadership, #ThreeLevelsofReality

Three Levels of Reality meme

The “Three Levels of Reality” sounds like a great title for a Star Trek episode. However, it is a model that can improve our ability to communicate effectively, handle conflict in a positive way, and motivate others. I learned the concept during my Organization and Relationship System Coaching (ORSC) certification and was originally developed by Amy and Arnold Mindell. I discuss it in leadership seminars all the time.

The three levels are Essence, Dreaming, and Consensus Reality. Everything you see started as an idea – or a dream. Before it was a dream it was a feeling, an inkling, a potential. Essence level is feeling and experience before we articulate it. Once we start to describe it, it becomes more concrete and less accurate because the description depends on words which cannot adequately capture an experience, feeling, or potential.

Once we have named a feeling or experience, we are in Dream Level. Here’s where creativity lives. We create different possible outcomes and dream up things that we can then make real in Consensus Reality.

Consensus Reality is what we all agree is really here – chairs, sky, music, etc. Consensus Reality is what exists in our world.

In Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) terms, Extroverts have a tendency to dream out loud. Introverts, on the other hand, do their dreaming in their heads. I am an Introvert and my husband is an Extrovert. It took me a long time to realize that he doesn’t always plan to do what he talks about doing. Many times he is just articulating a dream.

For example, one day we were standing behind our brick home and he said, “Let’s just take a sledgehammer and knock out that bathroom wall. We can expand the house out here into the yard.”  Now there was a day when I would have immediately started arguing: “We don’t have the money for that right now!” or “That would be a hugely messy job and we need an architect to make sure it looks good.” I would have interpreted his dream as a call to action in Consensus Reality Level and responded with practical objections. However, I recognized that he was in Dream Level and I joined him there: “Yes, we could make the bathroom and the closet bigger.” We talked about all the great possibilities that would result from knocking down that brick wall. Recognizing and playing in Dream Level is fun – and it’s important to alert the other person if you’re thinking of grabbing a sledgehammer and moving to Consensus Reality.

In meetings it can frustrate a group to chronically stay at Dreaming Level because the group never DOES anything. If they don’t move to Consensus Reality Level, they don’t get actionable solutions. On the other hand, if a group jumps straight to Consensus Reality Level, they miss a lot of possibilities that happen in brainstorming and exploring in Dream Level. A good leader recognizes in which level the group is operating and steers them through the levels as appropriate.

Great leaders are people who can motivate others, really light a fire in other people’s souls. When leaders create a vision in a way that compels everyone to jump on board, they are operating in Essence Level. They find ways to touch the hearts of others and activate visceral feelings of hope, desire, belonging, and shared vision.

As with all powerful tools, creating feelings at the Essence Level can also be done with selfish intent. One can whip up feelings of hatred, fear and a deep need for self-protection. It behooves each of us to recognize when someone is activating a feeling in our hearts. What is the intent of the person or group that is reaching out to affect us in such a personal and powerful way? Knowing when someone is affecting you at Essence Level is an important first step to becoming an observer and figuring out what is going on.

The current day example of a group that intentionally operates in Essence Level for self-promotion is the news channels. They are excellent at activating fear, disapproval and disconnection no matter at which end of the societal spectrum they dwell. Hitler was great at reaching people at Essence Level. So was Martin Luther King. It’s a good idea to take a long look at the person or group who is trying to flick the on/off switch of your emotions. It’s important to check in to be sure that we stay in alignment with our own values and goals.

Here’s the bottom line: 1) Understanding and using the Three Levels of Reality is the hallmark of a great leader – and a despot. Powerful tools beget powerful results. As benevolent leaders, we want to use the power wisely for the good of the group. Steering a group into the different levels affects motivation, creativity and productivity. 2) Understanding the Three Levels of Reality is also a powerful shield against those who would use our emotions for their own gain. We create that shield by moving into observer mode and questioning the intent of the speaker and the alignment of her or his message with our values.


You can watch my video on this topic here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3j0Uxqxsek Same subject, a little bit different perspective.

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