Tag Archives: #Communication

Designing an Alliance: In-Depth View

19 Tuesday Feb 2019

Posted by in Psychological Safety, Team Building

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Ideally, we want our people on our teams and in our organizations to behave a certain way. For example, we want them to be respectful, efficient, and productive. We can create a culture that defines and supports those behaviors. Creating a culture intentionally makes a leader’s job much easier. The culture that we create at our level may not exactly align with the organization’s culture, and that’s okay. We can decide that within our group there are certain behaviors that are important to ensure individual and group success.

We can begin creating the culture that we want by having our group or team design an alliance together. The Designed Alliance is a guideline for acceptable behavior for the group. Sometimes the agreement is called Ground Rules. When we get the group together to design an alliance, we want to make it clear that we are going to decide together on some standards of behavior. Handing down rules about acceptable behavior is not as effective.

First, we want to decide on the sort of atmosphere or emotional field in which we want to work. The group can list qualities that they want to bring into conversations. “Respect” is usually a good start. Many groups list “open-mindedness” and “humor.” Make sure the qualities are reasonable and attainable by everyone. Once the group has discussed the atmosphere it would like to create, it’s important to consider which behaviors would help the group achieve that atmosphere. For example, one ground rule could be “No sarcasm” in order to support a positive work environment.

Another good discussion is about what would help the individuals in the group and the group itself to do a good job. It might be a weekly meeting or a commitment to provide information quickly. The group might decide that daily progress reports are needed. The discussion might include a request for a less hostile attitude toward necessary requests. The Designed Alliance should address the individual needs that are going to help the group succeed. It’s a great time to remind everyone of how their actions support the goals of the group and the organization.

A specific discussion of how the team wants to behave when things get difficult is crucial for the Designed Alliance. Many groups have trouble handling conflict. Generally, groups avoid discussing differences of opinion, or they yell. Of course, the yelling is what encourages avoidance. Sometimes it helps to talk about how an ideal team would handle disagreements. How would The Perfect Team handle conflict? Having the discussion in terms of how an ideal team would handle conflict can make the discussion less personal.

In creating guidelines for behavior, a discussion of what the group doesn’t want to happen can lead to some specific behaviors that they want to include. A group normally has pretty clear ideas about behaviors that they don’t want to see. When writing out the Designed Alliance, we want to state the opposite positive behavior, rather than a negative behavior. For example, if the group says it doesn’t want dishonesty, we would include “Be honest.” If they don’t want yelling, we could include “Use a professional or respectful tone of voice.”

The Designed Alliance isn’t useful if no one adheres to it. The group must decide what they are going to do if someone breaks one of the agreements. This Designed Alliance belongs to the group, and it isn’t the supervisor’s job to enforce it. It really is up to the entire group. Many groups decide to gently remind the person about the agreement. Often, they also explicitly add that no one will get defensive or angry when reminded. There are many different ways for a group to remind each other about the Designed Alliance.

If the discussion feels like it could go further, there are a couple of other questions the group can discuss:

  • What can you rely on from each other?
  • What will you commit to for one another?

 Once the entire agreement is written, it’s important to make sure that everyone agrees to the rules. The final task is to have everyone look at the list, and ask if there are any questions or problems. We want to give everyone a chance to disagree with the items on the Designed Alliance. Ensure the group understands that they are committing to behave in alignment with the Designed Alliance. It’s easy for everyone to nod their heads or just be silent if they disagree. It’s a good idea to ask the group to stand if they agree to act in accordance with the agreement and to hold others accountable as well.

At this point, someone could refuse to stand, and that’s okay. In that case, we all sit down and talk about the person’s reservations. If one person refuses a guideline, it’s best to take it off the list. If the action in question is a part of the person’s job or common professionalism, we want to schedule a coaching session on that topic privately.

There are a few things that can be included in the Designed Alliance that are useful. If these guidelines don’t show up in the discussion, it’s a good idea to mention them to the group. The group can reject them in the end, but it’s good to at least talk about them.

e agree that everyone’s perspective is, at least partially, right.

In agreeing that everyone’s perspective is partially right, we are explicitly acknowledging that there is usually more than one valid way to view a situation. There isn’t, necessarily, a right and a wrong. This perspective makes the discussions and the disagreements a lot easier because we don’t paint someone as totally wrong. As a result, the discussion continues, and we foster the positive relationships that help the group function more effectively.

We will listen to each other’s ideas and perspectives with an open mind.

This guideline means that we are open to being influenced by others. We will go into the discussion with the intentional perspective of looking for things with which we can agree. In essence, it’s agreeing to listen and being open to changing our minds. If people are resistant to the idea of being open-minded, we can remind them that listening with an open mind does not require agreement in the end.

We will always be respectful to one another.

Being respectful is usually brought up pretty early in the discussion. However, if no one mentions it, it’s a good idea to bring it up for discussion.

We won’t leave a meeting where a decision was made and complain about the decision to others if we didn’t speak up in the meeting.

Finding someone to complain to after we haven’t spoken up in a meeting is called triangulation. The group is agreeing to bring up their reservations and complaints in the meetings when the group can discuss the point of view together. It also means that when approached by someone wanting to complain outside of a group meeting, we will remind them that we’ve agreed to discuss issues as a group, not privately and individually. If the group agrees to discuss things together in an open way, that is a huge step forward for the group.

We will share our thoughts and feelings on a topic.

If the group agrees not to triangulate, a person could avoid the situation by never talking to anyone about his or her ideas or reservations. The solution is a separate guideline that requires everyone to speak their minds. The group can’t deal with issues unless they are brought out into the open for discussion. The Designed Alliance helps to create an environment and a culture where people talk and solve problems and share perspectives in a positive way. However, ultimately, it’s up to us as supervisors to maintain a safe space where people are comfortable proposing opposing views. If people believe that they will be harassed or ignored, no amount of coercion will get them to share their opinions.

The Designed Alliance is a powerful tool that helps to create the psychological safety that a team or group need to excel. We work better when we feel free to share our ideas, disagree, and take reasonable risks.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Coaching a Bad Attitude (part 1)

25 Tuesday Sep 2018

Posted by in #Communication, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Most, if not all, of my coaching clients face the challenge of an employee with a bad attitude. One person with a bad attitude can have an enormous negative impact on a team or group. It’s amazing how much trouble one person can create if they are hell-bent on constant complaining and criticism.

Many times, the complainers are darn good employees. They are knowledgeable and competent at their jobs. They are usually productive, and if it wasn’t for the attitude, they would be considered star performers.

These negative stars usually know that they are good and that the organization relies on them. In many instances, they consider themselves untouchable because of their value and knowledge. Let me assure both them and their leaders that they are expendable.

First, if you are a leader, and one person holds the keys to the kingdom in terms of organizational knowledge and power, change the situation. It’s not healthy. An organization must be able to function smoothly if something happens to one employee. Anyone one of us could be hit by a bus!

There should be a very detailed job description for each employee, including the leader. This description is like a manual that outlines the employee’s daily, weekly, monthly and yearly responsibilities. It would read like a checklist with descriptions. If I unexpectedly didn’t make it to work for a week, someone else would be able to pick up the job description manual and have a pretty good idea of what needs to be done.

Yes, creating these manuals is tedious and time-consuming, but well worth the effort. In addition to insurance that necessary things will get done should someone not show up, the manual adds needed transparency. As leaders, we have a very clear picture of how each employee spends his or her time, which allows us to ensure that the actions are ones that truly help the organization move forward with its mission.

The first step to dealing with an employee who has a negative attitude is to make sure the employee is not indispensable. Share the knowledge with detailed job descriptions, and cross-train as much as possible!

We will talk about how to coach a person with a negative attitude next time.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

Ask More Than Tell

04 Tuesday Sep 2018

Posted by in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Most great leaders have a lot of experience and knowledge. They have figured out the best ways to do certain things, and they want to share that information with others because they want to help them. Those are good intentions but not always great leadership.

Our goal is to help other people to become great leaders, too. We don’t accomplish that by telling everyone how to do everything. They need to develop problem-solving abilities, try out solutions, and learn how to adjust when things don’t go as planned. Our job is to make that process as painless as possible.

In my leadership workshops on coaching employees, the participants practice by coaching each other on a real-life topic. I give the people being coached an index card and have them write “telling” on one end of it. Whenever the person coaching starts to “tell” rather than “ask,” they hold up the card.

I know from watching this exercise for more than a decade that it’s really, really difficult to ask more than tell. The telling cards get flashed pretty often. The people coaching struggle to come up with open-ended questions and often end up telling the other person what he or she needs to do to solve the issue.

We help by asking questions. Instead of immediately launching into a lecture about the right way to do a task, we want to ask some questions that will guide the person through some analysis.

Here are some possible questions to ask:

  • What do you see as the biggest challenge?
  • Have you ever faced anything like this before?
  • What would be the ideal outcome?
  • What do you think is the best way to proceed?
  •  What other factors do we need to take into account?

We become better at asking questions by practicing. One way to begin is to commit to asking at least three questions before offering any suggestions or advice. This structure helps us to get out of the habit of sending solutions immediately.

Asking three questions is a good thing to do in personal relationships, as well. One client transformed his relationship with his family by using this simple exercise.

As much as possible, we want to let people do things their way! It creates a sense of ownership, and the learning is much greater than if they are just following steps that we outline. It also increases the positivity of our relationships. The ability to create positive relationships is one of the hallmarks of great leadership.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

“Shoulding” on Others

12 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by in #Communication, Leadership, Uncategorized

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The topic of telling other people what they ought to be doing has come up several times recently. In coaching, we call it “shoulding” on people. Shoulding can actually include the word “should.” For example, I might say, “You should get a haircut” or “You should buy that neon purple shirt.” I can up the ante and make myself really annoying if I point a finger at you while I tell you what you should be doing. Irritating, right?

It can still be shoulding without using the word. For example, I could say, “The only way to peel an orange is in strips, top to bottom” or “Burping loudly is always what works best.” I’m not using the word “should,” but I’m still telling you what you ought to be doing.

I have never coached a person who appreciated being told what he or she “should” do. Honestly, do you like it? I don’t! So why do we insist on doing it to others? I am not entirely sure, but I have a guess.

Most of us like things done a certain way. Of course, the right way is my way – in case you were wondering. In my head, I am not thinking, “It’s important that you do this my way.” The internal dialogue is more along the lines of “This is what would be best for you.” There is a true desire to help, but it is underpinned by a belief that I truly know what is best for you. In fact, that is seldom the case.

It’s important for us all to know and keep in mind that each one of us is an expert on ourselves. We know the best solutions to our own challenges. Our solutions fit with our values, priorities, and strengths. My solution for you is based on my values, priorities, and strengths. It might be a terrible thing for you to do.

We may not always know right off the bat what the best solution is. However, people telling us what we should do does not help. What does help is someone asking us questions. Curious questions about what is going on and what’s important are the most helpful.

When I tell people that I am a life coach, they often ask, “How do you know what to tell people to do?” Hmmm. They don’t understand coaching. I know that each of my clients is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. They may be stuck or confused, but they are capable of creating their own solutions. A good life coach doesn’t tell people what to do. When I’m coaching, I repeat over and over in my head the phrase “Coach the person, not the problem.” Once I start solving my clients’ problems, I am shoulding on them.

Generally, we should on people because we genuinely want what’s best for them. It’s important to know that: [drum roll] We have no idea what is best for them! Each of us is the best creator of our own solutions.

For clients with shoulding challenges, I encourage them to ask at least three questions before offering a suggestion. Many times the problem is solved during the questions, and providing solutions is averted. Questions that begin with, “Don’t you think it would be a good idea if…” absolutely do not count.

What do we do when someone is shoulding on us? We have options. I have several friends who are shoulders. (Ha! In my head, it’s pronounced shooders! But it’s really shoulders – like by your neck. I love words.) One tells me when it’s clear to pull out when I’m driving. Another tells me exactly what I need to do for marketing messages. Another is very smart – a renaissance woman, and not matter what the topic, she knows what I should do.

For the most part, I’ve just decided not to let their barrage of solutions bother me. They are helping in their own way. I’m like a teenager; I nod my head like I’m agreeing but do whatever I dang well please. The important thing is that I can do this and not get riled up in the least.

Often people aren’t aware of what they are doing. I went on vacation with a fellow coach, and she said something about not shoulding on people. I said, “Are you serious? You should on me all the time!” From that point forward, she would tell me what I ought to do, pause, and then say, “I did it again, didn’t I?” Awareness is the first step for everyone!

When I start to get riled up, it’s time to set some gentle boundaries. It’s usually general. I will say something like, “I appreciate you wanting to help, but I’ve got this.” Even when I tire of being told what to do, I still remember that their intentions are good.

We can also tell people what they should have done in the past. That action is particularly destructive to a relationship. First, we can’t really go back and do it differently. What’s done is done. Second, it’s not helpful. The person who tells you what you should have done in the past is not trying to help you and does not have your best interests at heart. It’s a blame game. A play to make you feel guilty. Distance yourself as much as possible from people who should you about the past.

If it’s a relationship that you want to save, gently ask why they are bringing this up. Also ask in a genuine tone what they want you to do. The answer is often “I don’t know.” Sometimes, it’s just an act of frustration. It’s best to bring it into everyone’s awareness and find out what the root motivation is.

The only exception that I can think of is if the analysis of past behavior is an evaluation that will help change future behavior to create success. Still, you rarely hear an exceptional leader say, “Well, you really should have done that differently.” A more appropriate statement would be, “Let’s look at how you could have gotten a different outcome.”

Here are the points to remember:

  1. People who tell us what we should do are generally trying to help.
  2. We are not helping when we tell others what they should do.
  3. Ask at least three questions before beginning to provide solutions.
  4. Telling people what they should have done in the past is really not helpful and can be damaging to the relationship.
  5. It’s only useful to talk about the past in terms of learning from it. Take the lesson and move on.

Next time we will talk about the common practice of shoulding on ourselves.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Fact and Feeling Parts

27 Tuesday Mar 2018

Posted by in #Communication, Feelings, Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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It’s important to know that every message has a fact and a feeling part. One must identify both parts in order to deal with a conflict effectively or to communicate clearly.

This is a Kathy Observation, not researched fact, but I’m pretty sure that you cannot create psychological safety and strictly stick to facts all the time. We are humans, and humans have feelings. As leaders, we don’t have the luxury of ignoring them. I learned this lesson late in life, and it would have saved me some time and trouble if I’d known about it sooner.

For 20 years, I led volunteers as an Army spouse. In one group that met monthly, there was one young woman who always sat at my right hand and objected to everything that the group proposed. She objected on a factual level – logistics, budget, convenience. She slowed us down every single month.

If I’d been savvier, I would have figured out that it wasn’t the facts that she objected to. I had a vague notion that she was unhappy or resentful, but I had no idea why. There was a feeling component that I wasn’t dealing with at that time. If I’d asked and listened, I could have saved us a lot of time arguing over facts for no good reason.

Now I pay attention to everyone’s nonverbal communication and ask about any telltale signs of an emotion. People often agree with something or say that everything is fine while their nonverbals say exactly the opposite. Crossed arms, furrowed brows, and a lack of eye contact are all indicators that they don’t agree and everything is not fine. They will carry those unexpressed feelings out the door and stew in them if I don’t bring them out in the open by asking some questions.

It can feel scary to voluntarily dive into the ocean of emotions. The water is murky and deep, and you have no idea of what lurks down there. Take heart! First, leadership requires bravery – so take a deep breath, and go for it! Second, naming an emotion that you see and asking about it can create an uncomfortable situation, but it isn’t fatal. In the workplace, you generally get an explanation for the emotion that makes a lot of sense and gives you new information. The answers can be surprising – something that you wouldn’t have guessed.

We can only create psychological safety if we deal with both the facts and the feelings of individuals. The only way to identify the feeling part of a situation is to ask!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: How do you feel about conflict?

29 Tuesday Aug 2017

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When I do Effective Conflict workshops, I start by having everyone determine how they personally feel about conflict. I put my water bottle in the middle of the floor and tell the group that the bottle represents conflict. Then, I ask them to stand close to the bottle if they are comfortable with conflict and far away if they do not like any form of conflict. People will move to various places around the room in relation to conflict (i.e., the water bottle). It’s important to start by knowing our own feelings about conflict.

Something interesting happened the first couple of times that I did this exercise. After I gave the instructions and people were milling around to determine where they wanted to stand, someone asked, “Do you mean conflict at work or at home?” I wasn’t expecting that question; I had assumed that people felt a certain way about conflict all the time. That was an incorrect assumption!

As it turns out, most people in my workshops have very different feelings about conflict at work than they do about conflict at home. There doesn’t seem to be an overarching pattern to the difference. For example, one person may be more comfortable with conflict at home, and someone else more comfortable with conflict at work. It varies by personality and situation, but there is usually a difference.

Whether at work or home, the first piece of dealing with conflict effectively is knowing how we feel about conflict in general. Our feelings set the tone for the discussion. If we really don’t like conflict, we might avoid it or try to get it over with in a hurry. Neither of these is particularly useful when dealing with differences of opinion.

The other important piece of dealing with conflict effectively is knowing that conflict is not a bad thing! When I ask workshop participants what color conflict is, they usually answer “red” or “black.” When I ask what conflict sounds like, people say things like “nails on a chalkboard” or “a freight train coming at you.” Wow! Those are horrible, stressful sounds!

It’s useful to think of conflict as just discussing a difference of opinion or perspective. Granted, we can get pretty wrapped up and emotional about our views, but we want to step back and look at conflict as an opportunity to learn something new about ourselves, other people, and a particular situation. If handled well, conflict can result in more positivity in a relationship, not less.

The fundamental pieces of effective conflict are knowing our own feelings about conflict and adjusting our perspective to a more positive view of disagreements. After all, deciding where we want to go to lunch is resolving a conflict. We will talk about specific tools, techniques, and the various levels of conflict as we continue this topic, but let’s begin by checking in with our feelings and perspectives when faced with a conflict – big, small, at home, or at work.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Let’s Talk: Choosing Your Mindset

22 Tuesday Aug 2017

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One of the biggest influences on the success of a conversation is the mindset that you bring into it. People can immediately tell what attitude that we bring into the room with us. In systems coaching, we call it creating the Emotional Field. When you are talking to someone, there is always an atmosphere or container that surrounds the conversation. Our greatest success will come with intentionally creating an Emotional Field that supports the topic and people involved.

The Emotional Field is created by the feelings and intentions that you bring into the conversation. For example, when I am facilitating a workshop in-person, I intentionally bring in some fun and curiosity. Light-hearted learning is easier and more enjoyable. Also, I want to make sure that I am willing to learn from the participants. If I’m not willing to learn from them, then they will likely not be willing to learn from me.

I also intentionally bring in the intention to be flexible and spontaneous.  If the group begins to talk about something a bit off-topic that interests them, then I will follow that discussion. I’m willing to follow the group’s lead for a while.

A different facilitator might come in with seriousness and an intention to cover the material strictly as outlined. Participants’ experiences with that facilitator are going to be completely different than their experiences with me — even if we both use the exact same outline. We influence the experience and the outcome with the Emotional Field that we create.

I really can’t overstate the power of intentionally creating an atmosphere for a conversation. Let’s say that I’m going into a coaching situation in a workplace. I know that the person I’m going to talk with really does not receive feedback well. I am going to take their resistance to feedback into account and make sure that I bring some patience and understanding into the discussion. I want to create an Emotional Field that will help the employee hear the feedback and not feel threatened. If I come in with an adversarial attitude or a “let’s get this over with” mentality, I am not supporting a positive outcome for that conversation.

In most conversations, it’s useful to be willing to hear and consider different views and perspectives — bringing open-mindedness into the Emotional Field. Being defensive or combative rarely leads to a positive outcome. It’s important to remember that listening for understanding does not require us to then agree.

Likewise, different situations generally call for different mindsets. If you want romance, go with soft music, lighting, and tone of voice. If you want to party, play loud music and have high energy. Your chance of getting the outcome that you want is greatly increased if you bring in the appropriate qualities that fit the message and the outcome that you’re trying to get.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Let’s Talk: Conversation Outline

15 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by in #Communication, Uncategorized

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It took me a while to appreciate the power and beauty of this conversation outline. At first I thought that having a structure for a discussion was unnecessary. Boy, was I wrong! This guide keeps the conversation on track, ensures everyone has input, creates more options, and fosters positive relationships. Impressive!

Open. We open a conversation simply by stating what we are going to talk about. It helps the conversation stay on track.

Discover and Share. This is the most important step in a conversation. We often skip this step and move straight to positional arguing about the best thing to do.

In Discover and Share, we take time to listen fully by being completely present and listening for understanding. We pay attention to the words being said, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. We are curious about everything and ask a lot of questions.

Giving focused attention to someone is a gift. We don’t often feel like we are in the spotlight of someone’s attention, even though we like being seen and heard.

Finding out how the other person or people view the situation creates more possible solutions and helps to maintain positive relationships. We also share our perspectives and feelings during this step.

Develop Solutions. Once we have all the facts and feelings on the table, brainstorming begins. I see it as a funnel that begins with a wide variety of options and slowly narrows down to the best choice. During this phase, it’s important to continually ask what is best for the people involved in the decision – whether that is a couple, a team, a family, or an organization.

Agree. If we’ve done a good job during Discover and Share, it’s easier to come to an agreement.

Close. We check to make sure everyone is on board and explicitly state the agreement. It’s also a good time to check in one last time on how everyone is feeling about the agreement.

When having a conversation, focus on the Discover and Share step of the conversation. The other steps happen naturally and don’t need as much emphasis. The information needed to resolve conflicts never comes to light if we jump straight to developing solutions without fully listening and understanding each person’s perspective and feelings. It’s totally worth the time that it takes to be sure each person feels listened to, understood, and respected.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Let’s Talk: Facts and Feelings

08 Tuesday Aug 2017

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Here is an important and life-altering piece of information: Every message and every situation have both a fact part and a feeling part. To communicate effectively, we must acknowledge both parts. I learned this lesson late in life, and it would have saved me some time and trouble if I’d known about it sooner.

For 20 years, I led volunteers as an Army spouse. In one group that met monthly, there was one young woman who always sat at my right hand and objected to everything that the group proposed. She objected on a factual level – logistics, budget, convenience, etc. She slowed us down every single month.

If I’d been savvier, I would have figured out that it wasn’t the facts that she objected to. I had a vague notion that she was unhappy or resentful, but I had no idea why. She was experiencing some feeling that I wasn’t dealing with at that time. If I’d asked and listened, I could have saved us a lot of time arguing over facts for no good reason.

In my leadership workshops, I have people work in pairs to practice recognizing the feeling part of a message. One person talks about something that arouses strong feelings for him or her. The other person listens and then comments on the facts and feelings that he or she hears. For example, the listening partner might say, “It sounds like [fact part] really frustrates you” or “Wow, [fact part] really makes you happy.”

The reactions of the speaking partners are revelatory. They say that they feel heard and understood. As humans, our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. Telling someone the emotions you sense that they are feeling powerfully meets those needs.

Don’t worry about getting the emotion wrong. I’ve never seen anyone get upset. The usual response is a pensive “No, I feel more …” The process helps them to become more aware of their emotions.

You can also just ask! Is your pre-teen refusing to wash dishes? If so, then ask how he or she feels about washing the dishes. If a coworker consistently objects to following a procedure, find out why. Don’t accept factual responses. What feelings does he or she have about the procedure?

The answers are usually surprising – something that you wouldn’t have guessed. The only way to move forward in any situation is to reveal and deal with both the fact and feeling parts.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Everything Has A Fact and A Feeling Part

07 Tuesday Feb 2017

Posted by in Feelings, Leadership, Uncategorized

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February Feelings

Everything has a fact and a feeling part.

Feelings are an important part of being human, and they are present in every facet of life. It’s valuable to keep in mind that every message and situation has both a fact and a feeling part. One must identify both parts in order to deal with a conflict effectively or to communicate clearly. I learned this lesson late in life, and it would have saved me some time and trouble if I’d known about it sooner.

For 20 years, I led volunteers as an Army spouse. In one group that met monthly, there was one young woman who always sat at my right hand and objected to everything that the group proposed. She objected on a factual level – things like logistics, budget, and convenience. She slowed us down every single month.

If I’d been more savvy, I would have figured out that it wasn’t the facts that bothered her. She was having strong feelings that I was ignoring.  I had a vague notion that she was unhappy or resentful, but I had no idea why. If I’d asked and listened, I could have saved us a lot of time arguing over facts for no good reason.

It’s a good idea to make a practice of identifying the fact and feeling part of situations. Is your pre-teen refusing to wash dishes? If so, then ask how he or she feels about washing the dishes. Of course, no one gets out of washing the dishes just because they don’t like the job. However, finding out why your pre-teen doesn’t like it can open an interesting discussion.

If a coworker consistently objects to following a procedure, find out why. You may get factual responses at first, but ask some curious questions about feelings until you know how he or she feels about the procedure. The discussion will usually include why he or she has those feelings, and that’s where the valuable part of the discussion resides. Once we know the emotions that a person is feeling and why, we have what we need to start finding a solution to the challenge.

You can even ask yourself about the feeling part of a personal situation. It’s great to list the facts and to know the pros and cons of possible actions. It is also enlightening to know how you feel about those possible actions and why. You can gain insight into your values and priorities by getting in touch with your feelings.

The answers to the question of what someone is feeling and why are usually surprising – something that you wouldn’t have guessed. The only way to identify the feeling part of a situation is to ask! The answer is the information that you need to begin finding a solution.

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