Monthly Archives: February 2020

Don’t Yuck My Yum

25 Tuesday Feb 2020

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I recently came across the phrase “don’t yuck my yum” in a third grade classroom. I had to ask what it meant. The explanation that I got went something like this: If you tell me that you like Pokémon cards and I say that Pokémon cards are stupid, I am yucking your yum.

At first glance, it seems pretty straightforward. I might translate it to “Don’t rain on my parade.” Whether it’s a yum or a parade, we don’t like people belittling us for liking something. I found a great video about the effects of childhood yucking-someone’s-yum here.  We are shaming and shoulding on others when we yuck their yum. Not cool.

However, I am a curious and cantankerous person by nature, and I began thinking about all the angles of yucking a yum. Does that mean that I cannot express an opinion about something that you like if I don’t share your enthusiasm? Must I pretend to like what you like so I don’t hurt your feelings?

I’m afraid that I am guilty of yucking a lot of yums if stating that I don’t like something fits the criteria. To me, I am stating a fact. You like it, I don’t. No big deal. A friend and fellow coach confirmed my feeling on the issue. She said, “Sometimes I tell you about a recipe that I like, and you say that it has too many steps and ingredients for you to do it. I know that you don’t like to cook, and I don’t feel like you are inferring that my recipe is bad or that you disapprove of my liking to cook.”

However, not everyone is a fellow coach who doesn’t take things personally. I can see how a sensitive person or a person who doesn’t know me well could feel that I’m yucking their yum when I state that I don’t like something. I am going to be a little more aware of how I share my opinions in the future, but I do believe that we are all entitled to our feelings and opinions!

The difference is whether we are sharing how we feel about something or dissing the something in question. I can say that I don’t enjoy playing Pokémon, and that’s fine. I can say that Pokémon cards are stupid, not fun, and only babies play the game; that is not fine.

Another thing to consider is: Do we have to share our opinions all the time? Must I tell you what I like and don’t like? We can build positive relationships by being curious about a topic, even if we don’t like it ourselves. I could ask, “What is your favorite Pokémon card?” or “What is the best part of playing the game?” I might find I could like it more than I initially thought. I don’t have to tell the person that I don’t care for it right off the bat.

So let’s go to the other extreme: I really like you, and I’m trying to build a relationship with you, so I never yuck your yum or tell you that I don’t like stuff that you like. I am not being authentic. In fact, I could be misleading you quite a bit about who I am. If you like to hike and I just go along with you in order to be with you, there may eventually come a time when I’m tired of pretending and tell you that I don’t like to hike. You would probably be surprised and a little hurt that I had, not lied exactly, but not been totally honest.

From a leadership and relationship perspective, yucking someone’s yum is like most leadership and relationship concepts – it requires awareness of the situation, emotional intelligence, and some good judgment. Most of the time if someone is telling us about something that they like, we can just get curious and ask questions. If they ask us to join them, then we can state that, although it’s wonderful that they like it so much, we would not be interested. Not yucking someone’s yum is a worthy goal – and it doesn’t mean that we must be inauthentic or not set boundaries.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

How do I seem to you?

18 Tuesday Feb 2020

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We’ve talked about impression management as one of the pieces of our decision rulers. We have a vision of how we want to be perceived by others, and most everything we do and say is calculated to ensure that others see us in that way. However, how we want to be seen and how we are really seen by others can be vastly different.

One of the challenges to becoming an extraordinary leader is getting an accurate picture of how we are perceived by others. We believe that we project a certain image, but people’s perceptions of us can be quite different.

For example, I might believe that I am a confident and knowledgeable person. However, most people may perceive me as being an arrogant know-it-all. The difference between my intent and others’ perceptions might not be as drastic as this example, but they are rarely the same.

We can discover how we are seen by others, but it takes some courage and an open mind. We must pay attention to the reactions that we get from other people and the things that they say about us.

One time, a friend sent me a video of an artist demonstrating how to make decorative Christmas trees. She said that the artist reminded her of me. I watched the video and only saw a mild similarity, so I started to dismiss the whole thing from my mind. Then, I decided to get curious. What did she see in the video that I was not seeing?

I wrote back that the artist did seem to talk in the same rambling and chatty way that I do sometimes. My friend came back and said, “Yes, and she’s tall like you.” I am almost six feet tall, and I forget that my height is a huge part of who I am to the rest of the world.

What I do with the information that I glean from others is up to me. I can play up my height and wear heels to seem more powerful, soften my communication style to compensate, or just be aware that I can seem a little intimidating at first just because of my height.

As leaders, we want to know how others see us. We can do this by watching out for clues from other people. People tell me all the time in a very sarcastic tone, “Why don’t you tell us what you really think?” That lets me know that I’m seen as a person with definite opinions who shares them freely. Is that good or bad? I get to decide!

The information that we gather about ourselves is just more information about us that leads to greater self-awareness. We totally get to decide whether we want to do anything differently or just be more aware. I do not plan to stop sharing my definite opinions and great ideas any time soon! (Although I do try to maintain a little grace and a lot of respect while I do it. 😉)

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Positive Emotional Attractor State

11 Tuesday Feb 2020

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Positive Emotional Attractor State

Positive Emotional Attractor (PEA) state happens when we are feeling positive and hopeful. When we are in a PEA state, the parasympathetic nervous system is activated, so we are more relaxed, we breathe deeply, and we are more creative. We are also more open to new information.

When we are in a Negative Emotional Attractor (NEA) state, the sympathetic nervous system is activated, and we feel stressed and fearful. We are not creative or open to new information. As a result, we are not going to make our best decisions in an NEA state. (PEA and NEA were researched and defined by Dr. Richard Boyatzis, and he discusses them in the book Resonant Leadership.)

For leaders, this information means that we want to start meetings and conversations with what has gone right, rather than jumping in on what has gone wrong. We want to firmly establish everyone in a PEA state in order to ensure that they are open to new information and are at their creative best. Of course, we must deal with difficult issues, but it’s easier to do that if we establish some positivity and rapport first.

We also want to create as many PEA state moments as possible to maintain positive relationships. We’ve talked about our tendency to notice and comment on the negative. This is just a reminder of the power of positivity and creating positive relationships. Remember, in order to maintain positive relationships, we must maintain a positivity ratio of at least 5:1 for our interactions with others.

It’s best if we intentionally start conversations with something positive whenever possible. When we push someone into an NEA state immediately, they’ve already stopped listening and absorbing information. It’s not hard to create an NEA state. We can do it just by intimidating someone a little bit or making them feel uncomfortable. Great leaders create positive, non-threatening environments.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Decision Ruler

04 Tuesday Feb 2020

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Every time that we make a decision, we are comparing our various options against our internal decision ruler. Our rulers are composed of several different parts.

The first part is our values. Our values tell us who we want to be. They include adjectives like reliable, family-oriented, respectful, respected, honest, professional, goal-oriented, and successful. In workshops, I ask people to consider what they want to be remembered for and how they live those qualities in their lives.

The second part of decision rulers is how we want to be seen. It’s called impression management. We all manage how others see us in order to ensure they notice the qualities that we want to be known for. We all have different goals for how we are perceived. Some examples are intelligent, needy, victimized, badass, nurturing, and intimidating. We aren’t always conscious of this part of our decision-making process, but it’s one of the most influential parts of our decision ruler.

The third part is our priorities. Our priorities change over time and reflect what is important to us at this particular moment in time. Making money is one of my priorities at the moment, so I consider the impact of each possible course of action on my ability to make money.

Ideally, we want the three parts of our ruler to complement each other, but they don’t always. Often people who are dishonest want to be seen as honest. They manage our impression of them with deceptions. This sort of behavior is not the hallmark of exceptional leadership.

Pretending to have the qualities of a great leader is a disaster waiting to happen on several fronts. First, it’s hard to manage an impression if there is no basis of fact for it. For example, I might want to appear knowledgeable about leadership. However, if I don’t put in the work and do the research, I am just going to sound like an idiot spouting platitudes. Dishonest impression management eventually comes to light, and the people who have been misled are usually hopping mad.

Second, we use a lot of emotional pennies when we try to be what we are not. It’s a stressful way to live and an inauthentic way to live a life. We are our best selves when we are true to ourselves, our values, and our priorities.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.