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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: June 2018

If you can’t get out of it, get into it!

26 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #perspective, Emotional Intelligence, Uncategorized

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Tags

#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #perspective, EmotionalPennies, Positivity

Get into it lion cropped 600 px

The title of this blog has been my battle cry for more than a decade. It comes from the book Whistle While You Work: Heeding Your Life’s Calling by Richard Leider and David Shapiro.

In the introduction, Leider tells the story of an Outward Bound trip to Africa. One day, they planned to hike across the Salei Plains and meet their truck on the other side that evening.

They walked through tall grass called lion grass because lions like to stalk prey in it. Suddenly, one of the group members dropped to the ground. He’d seen a lion and was freaked out. The dangers of their current position hit him, and he refused to go on.

The guide told him that he must go on. There is nowhere to go back to. The truck was ahead of them. Reason did not work, and the man still refused to go on.

The guide leaned down and said, “We have a motto at Outward Bound precisely for this sort of situation: ‘If you can’t get out of it, get into it!’”

Honestly, how many times do we find ourselves in situations that we don’t want to be in? My answer is “Plenty!” Some situations I have gotten myself into: I’ve taken on a volunteer job that I don’t like or have agreed to do a project that turns into a monster. Other situations have been thrust upon me by circumstances beyond my control. Either way, there hasn’t been an immediate way out.

For example, let’s say that my organization changes a process and I do not like the new way. I can’t change it; it’s a done deal. I could quit, but I like the rest of my job. I could grouse and cultivate a negative attitude, which doesn’t do anything for my mental and physical health. It also doesn’t do anyone else any good.

If we can’t get out of it, why not get into it? I am going to do the action anyway, so why not give it my all with a positive attitude? It uses way fewer of my emotional pennies and the emotional pennies of those around me.

In truth, every experience in life enriches us and teaches us something about ourselves. It’s better to go all in. We want to stop resisting and give it our best shot. When we can, we want to get out of the situation, but until then, our best choice is to truly get into it. We can also be grateful that most of our challenging situations don’t involve being stalked by a lion!


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Don’t “Should” on Yourself

19 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Positivity, Uncategorized

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Tags

#cognitiverestructuring, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #MagicWandofDestiny, #shouldingonyourself

shoulding on yourself 600 px

Last week, we talked about how it isn’t nice to should on other people. Telling others how to live their lives usually comes from a place of caring, but it isn’t really helpful. It also doesn’t help us to build positive relationships.

It’s also not nice to should on yourself. With my coaching clients, I listen for the word “should.” It’s a tip-off that something deeper is going on than just feeling that they should do something.

Shoulds are generally tied to someone else’s expectations. If a client says “I should apply for that promotion,” I know that something is up. There is some reluctance. He or she didn’t say “I want to apply.”

We talk about the internal dialogue that’s going on around applying for a promotion. Then I ask a lot of questions. Whose voice do they hear saying that the promotion is a good thing? Is it an expectation of someone else? Does it truly line up with the client’s values and priorities at this moment in time? What belief underlies the feeling of needing to apply? Is it a childhood belief that is still relevant and useful?

When people say that they should do something, there is rarely any passion or excitement behind it. Clients often say that they should exercise or read more, but there isn’t any enthusiasm. When we dig down to the root of the should, we often find some guilt and shame put on them by someone else. We all have the power to release ourselves from other people’s expectations and live life on our own terms – once we are aware of what is really going on.

Shoulds can also signal a task that needs to be done to achieve a goal, but that we just don’t like. Then the answer is a change in attitude and word choice. Writing this blog is an excellent example.

I haven’t missed a week in writing this blog for about two years. Believe me, that is a major accomplishment in my book. However, I often find myself saying “I should write some of my blog today.” My heart isn’t in it. It’s a chore.

Why I hear myself say “should,” it’s time to ask some questions. The first is “Is this something, although tedious, that I want to do to reach a goal or accomplish something?” If the answer is no, then see the questions above. If the answer is yes, then I need to dig down to my Big Why. (You can read a blog about finding your Big Why here. [link to blog])

My blog is my legacy for my children and grandchildren. I believe in what I teach and talk about. I have seen how leadership skills can change people’s lives at work and at home. I want my family to have this information after I am gone. My young granddaughter isn’t into listening about psychological safety or shoulding. We are reading picture books together at the moment. However, those discussions could help her immensely when she gets older. I want her to read this blog when she gets to high school and feels peer pressure that leads her to think she “should” do stuff that is against her values and priorities.

Every time I hear myself say “I should work on my blog,” I remind myself of why I write it, and I change the statement in my head to “I want to write my blog today.” Realizing that you want to do something because it is in alignment with your values and priorities and that it helps you to achieve a goal that has real meaning for you is very motivating. Just changing to “I want to” shifts the feeling around the task. It’s much more inspiring.

Pause when you hear yourself say “I should …” First, ask yourself if it’s something that you really want to do because it will help you to achieve a goal that has meaning for you. If the answer is yes, then get back in touch with your Big Why. What makes this action important to you? How is it going to help? I see my cute granddaughter’s face and imagine her as a teenager. I will be long gone when she is a young adult, and my blog is the only support I can offer her in the future.

If the task is not in alignment with your values and priorities, do you really have to do it? Who would you be pleasing or benefitting with the action? What belief is the “should” based on? Do you really want to move up the career ladder, or is that a parent’s wish for you? Questioning your motivation for a “should” can be a tricky thing. Work with a coach, or find a friend who is a good listener and asks curious questions.

Life goes by quickly, and we don’t get any moments back. We create a life of joy and purpose when we spend our time on things that have meaning for us and help us to create the life we want to have.

I want to add a short note about shoulding on yourself about things that you have done in the past: Don’t. That is not to say that examining a past action and determining a better way to have done something isn’t useful. It is! However, running past mistakes over and over in our heads is not useful and not helpful. Learn the lesson and move on.

I actually started doing this in high school. Of course, there was a lot of drama during high school, a lot of romance, and several broken hearts. When we are young, we are trying behaviors to see if they fit with who we are and who we want to become. Sometimes we do extraordinarily stupid things, and because it’s high school it feels like the end of the world.

I would run “I should have” loops in my head endlessly. I made myself sick to my stomach. Realizing that the constant rehash wasn’t helping anything, I analyzed the situation and then decided on the lesson I wanted to bring forward. Then I’d create one short phrase like “Being kind is more important than being popular” or “Boys who like themselves more than me are not my cup of tea.” (And now we all know why I didn’t become a poet.)

Whenever the “should have” loop started running, I would pause and replace it with my new mantra for the situation. I would say it over and over again in my head until I was distracted by something else, which wasn’t usually that long in high school. Now I know that the technique is called cognitive restructuring, and it’s a tool that can help us take control of our thoughts so that we can move forward in a positive way.

Moving forward in a positive way is one of my main goals in life. Shoulding on ourselves about the present or the past keeps that positive movement from us. However, when we wave around the Magic Wand of Destiny and intentionally choose our thoughts and actions, we create a powerful momentum that propels us toward success and happiness.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

“Shoulding” on Others

12 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

#Communication, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #positiverelationships, #shouldingonothers

shoulding on others 600 px

The topic of telling other people what they ought to be doing has come up several times recently. In coaching, we call it “shoulding” on people. Shoulding can actually include the word “should.” For example, I might say, “You should get a haircut” or “You should buy that neon purple shirt.” I can up the ante and make myself really annoying if I point a finger at you while I tell you what you should be doing. Irritating, right?

It can still be shoulding without using the word. For example, I could say, “The only way to peel an orange is in strips, top to bottom” or “Burping loudly is always what works best.” I’m not using the word “should,” but I’m still telling you what you ought to be doing.

I have never coached a person who appreciated being told what he or she “should” do. Honestly, do you like it? I don’t! So why do we insist on doing it to others? I am not entirely sure, but I have a guess.

Most of us like things done a certain way. Of course, the right way is my way – in case you were wondering. In my head, I am not thinking, “It’s important that you do this my way.” The internal dialogue is more along the lines of “This is what would be best for you.” There is a true desire to help, but it is underpinned by a belief that I truly know what is best for you. In fact, that is seldom the case.

It’s important for us all to know and keep in mind that each one of us is an expert on ourselves. We know the best solutions to our own challenges. Our solutions fit with our values, priorities, and strengths. My solution for you is based on my values, priorities, and strengths. It might be a terrible thing for you to do.

We may not always know right off the bat what the best solution is. However, people telling us what we should do does not help. What does help is someone asking us questions. Curious questions about what is going on and what’s important are the most helpful.

When I tell people that I am a life coach, they often ask, “How do you know what to tell people to do?” Hmmm. They don’t understand coaching. I know that each of my clients is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. They may be stuck or confused, but they are capable of creating their own solutions. A good life coach doesn’t tell people what to do. When I’m coaching, I repeat over and over in my head the phrase “Coach the person, not the problem.” Once I start solving my clients’ problems, I am shoulding on them.

Generally, we should on people because we genuinely want what’s best for them. It’s important to know that: [drum roll] We have no idea what is best for them! Each of us is the best creator of our own solutions.

For clients with shoulding challenges, I encourage them to ask at least three questions before offering a suggestion. Many times the problem is solved during the questions, and providing solutions is averted. Questions that begin with, “Don’t you think it would be a good idea if…” absolutely do not count.

What do we do when someone is shoulding on us? We have options. I have several friends who are shoulders. (Ha! In my head, it’s pronounced shooders! But it’s really shoulders – like by your neck. I love words.) One tells me when it’s clear to pull out when I’m driving. Another tells me exactly what I need to do for marketing messages. Another is very smart – a renaissance woman, and no matter what the topic, she knows what I should do.

For the most part, I’ve just decided not to let their barrage of solutions bother me. They are helping in their own way. I’m like a teenager; I nod my head like I’m agreeing but do whatever I dang well please. The important thing is that I can do this and not get riled up in the least.

Often people aren’t aware of what they are doing. I went on vacation with a fellow coach, and she said something about not shoulding on people. I said, “Are you serious? You should on me all the time!” From that point forward, she would tell me what I ought to do, pause, and then say, “I did it again, didn’t I?” Awareness is the first step for everyone!

When I start to get riled up, it’s time to set some gentle boundaries. It’s usually general. I will say something like, “I appreciate you wanting to help, but I’ve got this.” Even when I tire of being told what to do, I still remember that their intentions are good.

We can also tell people what they should have done in the past. That action is particularly destructive to a relationship. First, we can’t really go back and do it differently. What’s done is done. Second, it’s not helpful. The person who tells you what you should have done in the past is not trying to help you and does not have your best interests at heart. It’s a blame game. A play to make you feel guilty. Distance yourself as much as possible from people who should you about the past.

If it’s a relationship that you want to save, gently ask why they are bringing this up. Also ask in a genuine tone what they want you to do. The answer is often “I don’t know.” Sometimes, it’s just an act of frustration. It’s best to bring it into everyone’s awareness and find out what the root motivation is.

The only exception that I can think of is if the analysis of past behavior is an evaluation that will help change future behavior to create success. Still, you rarely hear an exceptional leader say, “Well, you really should have done that differently.” A more appropriate statement would be, “Let’s look at how you could have gotten a different outcome.”

Here are the points to remember:

  1. People who tell us what we should do are generally trying to help.
  2. We are not helping when we tell others what they should do.
  3. Ask at least three questions before beginning to provide solutions.
  4. Telling people what they should have done in the past is really not helpful and can be damaging to the relationship.
  5. It’s only useful to talk about the past in terms of learning from it. Take the lesson and move on.

Next time we will talk about the common practice of shoulding on ourselves.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Final Answer (6 of 6) (Woohoo!)

05 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#curiosity, #Google, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #ProjectAristotle, #psychologicalsafety

female supervisor 650 px

I have been discussing my leadership list in depth, and we are up to number six, the last one! My list is a response to Google’s research on the qualities of exceptional teams, as described in Project Aristotle. Here is the list with the bullet points that I’ve discussed so far.

Kathy’s Leadership List

  1. Be present, and show that you care.
  • Focus on keeping your mind present during conversations and meetings.
  • Use good nonverbal communication to assure people that you are listening.
  • Show interest in people’s activities outside of work.
  • Maintain appropriate boundaries for personal discussions.
  1. Enforce and model respect for self and others.
  • Watch vigilantly for situations that make a person or group feel a lack of respect.
  • Talk to employees and peers about disrespectful behavior in an appropriate setting.
  • Behave scrupulously, in a way that always shows respect for others.
  • Establish Designed Alliances whenever possible so that respectful behavior is explicitly defined, expected, and required.
  1. Include others in decision-making as much as possible.
  • People like control. Great leaders give others control as much as possible. Autonomy is motivating.
  • Meeting people’s personal needs to be listened to, understood, and respected creates positive relationships.
  • We make better decisions with more information. People who don’t agree with us can have valuable information to share.
  • After making a decision, a leader should share the reasons behind the decision and their feelings about it.
  • Inclusive decision-making saves more time in the long run.
  1. Ensure individual and team goals are clear and in alignment with organizational goals.
  • Leaders must understand how their group contributes to the overall success of the organization.
  • It’s important to make sure everyone in the group understands how they, as a group, help the organization achieve its goals.
  • Roles and responsibilities must be clear to everyone in the group.
  • Each individual needs to know how he or she makes a difference.
  1. Be consistent, dependable, and positive in your actions, attitude, and mindset.
  • Great leaders are reliable in word and deed.
  • Consistency builds trust.
  • Positive leaders build personal influence.
  1. Make curiosity your default.

So, let’s discuss number six!

Make curiosity your default. I have saved the best and most powerful for last. I wholeheartedly believe in the power of questions.

Many leaders with whom I work have a tendency to make assumptions and jump to conclusions. They are absolutely certain that they know why a thing has happened or a person has done a certain action. Many times, they are completely and totally wrong, yet they work from their assumptions as if they are truth.

We can only move ourselves and our organizations forward if we base our actions and strategies on facts, which is why it is crucial to pause and ask some questions to truly understand a situation. For example, let’s say an employee is consistently late turning in a report. We assume that the person is lazy, inattentive, or has poor time management skills. When the employee tries to talk to us about it, we say, “I don’t want to hear any excuses,” and walk away. It could be that the employee is not getting a crucial piece of information from someone else. Maybe he or she doesn’t understand a required software. If we don’t listen and truly understand what is going on, we are a major part of the problem.

Asking people genuinely curious questions also builds positive relationships. Our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. We can meet all of those needs by asking people what they think and how they feel about something.

I don’t think I can reiterate enough the power of creating positive relationships. Positivity creates personal influence, which is our preferred means of motivating people. When we use our positional authority with threats, our leadership is limited to what we see and enforce. When we use our personal influence, we motivate people all the time. We don’t have to be present to know that they are doing a good job.

Some leaders feel that asking others for their opinions is a sign of weakness. Nothing could be further from the truth. Leaders who consistently make unilateral decisions without asking for input are generally disliked, not respected. In asking for different perspectives, we are not committing to accept or follow those suggestions. We are listening to people about their area of expertise to make sure we haven’t missed anything. We are also creating the psychological safety needed to encourage people to speak up and contribute.

Here are the bullet points to remember:

  • Great questions give leaders the information that they need to create relevant actions and strategies.
  • Asking for someone’s opinions and feelings on a topic increases the positivity of the relationship.
  • A curious mindset encourages a thoughtful, collaborative work environment.

There you have it — Kathy’s complete leadership list! If you focus on these six things, you can create the exceptional teams described by Google’s Project Aristotle. Remember, the main goal is to create psychological safety in your organization so that every person feels free to share ideas and disagree. You can download my complete list here if you want a one-page reminder to put up in your workplace.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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