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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Tag Archives: #MagicWandofDestiny

The Chair Is a Chair

06 Tuesday Aug 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#FrameofReference, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #MagicWandofDestiny, #thechairisachair, EmotionalPennies

chair is a chair 600 px

One phrase has been coming up more and more in both leadership workshops and my life: The Chair Is a Chair. The phrase comes from a book by Marshall Goldsmith, Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts. Goldsmith mentions the concept only briefly in the book, but it really captured my attention. He writes:

“I end the exercise with a simple reminder that getting mad at people for being who they are makes as much sense as getting mad at a chair for being a chair. The chair cannot help but be a chair, and neither can most of the people we encounter. If there’s a person who drives you crazy, you don’t have to like, agree with, or respect him, just accept him for being who he is.”

I notice in leadership workshops that the participants often want to figure out how to change other people who they believe are the problem. In reality, we cannot change other people. We can only change ourselves. We can model positive behavior, and we can invite positive behavior in others, but we cannot wave the Magic Wand of Destiny around and change them. The Magic Wand of Destiny only works on ourselves.

We can save ourselves a lot of emotional pennies by just accepting that people are the way that they are. Negative Nellies aren’t going to suddenly become positive because we want them to. People are a product of their Frame of Reference, which is made up of their values, priorities, experiences, and beliefs. Perhaps Negative Nellie has had some hard knocks in life and concluded that life is a hardship to be endured. She is doing the best that she can, given her experiences and emotional intelligence.

An important point to remember is that the actions of other people that annoy us are not generally directed at us. There is no need to take other people’s behavior personally. They are who they are with everyone, not just us. We are spending emotional pennies unnecessarily when we react and get offended.

Of course, accepting that someone is a chair doesn’t mean that we can’t set boundaries when the chair’s behavior is inappropriate or downright offensive. However, we can do it without anger. We just let them know what is not acceptable, why it isn’t acceptable, and that we won’t tolerate it.

Enforcing boundaries at work doesn’t usually require official action. Firm but unemotional reminders often are effective. If the chair is a subordinate, coaching might in order. If the chair is a peer or superior, we get to decide if the behavior warrants a trip to HR.

Personal relationships are another thing entirely. We don’t have to stay around chairs who challenge our values and self-worth. Outside work, we get to choose our friends. We also get to decide which family members we spend a lot of time with. Sometimes we are required to interact with family, but we can keep it to a minimum and remember that family chairs aren’t likely to change either. Most importantly, their behavior is all about them and their experiences. It has little to do with us, no matter how many fingers they point at us.

My daughter-in-law wrote an article about Arnold Lobel’s series of children’s books about Frog and Toad. You can read her article here: https://verilymag.com/2019/03/what-frog-and-toad-can-teach-readers-of-all-ages. She analyzes the relationship between Frog and Toad and uses the information to talk about successful friendships.

I like her list of important friendship qualities, and I would add to it that each friend can accept that the other is a chair who isn’t going to change. In other words, they accept each other exactly as they are and don’t wish for or try to get each other to change. Toad is a bit negative. Frog sees the world through rose-colored glasses, and he doesn’t ever get upset about Toad’s negative attitude.

Now Frog does try to change Toad now and again. It’s a behavior we all slip into. However, on the whole, Frog just accepts Toad for who he is. The result is that Toad sometimes tries to improve himself. When we invite new behavior with positivity and acceptance, sometimes the invitation is accepted. We can be happy when the chair decides to improve itself a bit, but it’s important not to get disappointed when it stays the same.

I use Goldsmith’s concept of the chair all the time now, and my life is better for it. When someone is close-minded or mean, I don’t take it personally anymore. I remind myself that the chair is a chair and that it will probably stay a chair for the rest of its life. I also remember that the chair’s actions have absolutely nothing to do with me. When a chair points a finger at you, they have three fingers pointing back at themselves, which is where the problem usually lies.

Here is one last caveat: we are chairs, too! If more than two people comment on one of our behaviors or perspectives, it’s a good idea to do some introspection. We can ask, “Am I the person that I want to be? Do I want to change my behavior?” We can become a better chair if we want to. The choice is ours. Thank goodness we can wave around the Magic Wand of Destiny and make intentional choices for ourselves to create the future and persona that we desire.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Don’t “Should” on Yourself

19 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Positivity, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#cognitiverestructuring, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #MagicWandofDestiny, #shouldingonyourself

shoulding on yourself 600 px

Last week, we talked about how it isn’t nice to should on other people. Telling others how to live their lives usually comes from a place of caring, but it isn’t really helpful. It also doesn’t help us to build positive relationships.

It’s also not nice to should on yourself. With my coaching clients, I listen for the word “should.” It’s a tip-off that something deeper is going on than just feeling that they should do something.

Shoulds are generally tied to someone else’s expectations. If a client says “I should apply for that promotion,” I know that something is up. There is some reluctance. He or she didn’t say “I want to apply.”

We talk about the internal dialogue that’s going on around applying for a promotion. Then I ask a lot of questions. Whose voice do they hear saying that the promotion is a good thing? Is it an expectation of someone else? Does it truly line up with the client’s values and priorities at this moment in time? What belief underlies the feeling of needing to apply? Is it a childhood belief that is still relevant and useful?

When people say that they should do something, there is rarely any passion or excitement behind it. Clients often say that they should exercise or read more, but there isn’t any enthusiasm. When we dig down to the root of the should, we often find some guilt and shame put on them by someone else. We all have the power to release ourselves from other people’s expectations and live life on our own terms – once we are aware of what is really going on.

Shoulds can also signal a task that needs to be done to achieve a goal, but that we just don’t like. Then the answer is a change in attitude and word choice. Writing this blog is an excellent example.

I haven’t missed a week in writing this blog for about two years. Believe me, that is a major accomplishment in my book. However, I often find myself saying “I should write some of my blog today.” My heart isn’t in it. It’s a chore.

Why I hear myself say “should,” it’s time to ask some questions. The first is “Is this something, although tedious, that I want to do to reach a goal or accomplish something?” If the answer is no, then see the questions above. If the answer is yes, then I need to dig down to my Big Why. (You can read a blog about finding your Big Why here. [link to blog])

My blog is my legacy for my children and grandchildren. I believe in what I teach and talk about. I have seen how leadership skills can change people’s lives at work and at home. I want my family to have this information after I am gone. My young granddaughter isn’t into listening about psychological safety or shoulding. We are reading picture books together at the moment. However, those discussions could help her immensely when she gets older. I want her to read this blog when she gets to high school and feels peer pressure that leads her to think she “should” do stuff that is against her values and priorities.

Every time I hear myself say “I should work on my blog,” I remind myself of why I write it, and I change the statement in my head to “I want to write my blog today.” Realizing that you want to do something because it is in alignment with your values and priorities and that it helps you to achieve a goal that has real meaning for you is very motivating. Just changing to “I want to” shifts the feeling around the task. It’s much more inspiring.

Pause when you hear yourself say “I should …” First, ask yourself if it’s something that you really want to do because it will help you to achieve a goal that has meaning for you. If the answer is yes, then get back in touch with your Big Why. What makes this action important to you? How is it going to help? I see my cute granddaughter’s face and imagine her as a teenager. I will be long gone when she is a young adult, and my blog is the only support I can offer her in the future.

If the task is not in alignment with your values and priorities, do you really have to do it? Who would you be pleasing or benefitting with the action? What belief is the “should” based on? Do you really want to move up the career ladder, or is that a parent’s wish for you? Questioning your motivation for a “should” can be a tricky thing. Work with a coach, or find a friend who is a good listener and asks curious questions.

Life goes by quickly, and we don’t get any moments back. We create a life of joy and purpose when we spend our time on things that have meaning for us and help us to create the life we want to have.

I want to add a short note about shoulding on yourself about things that you have done in the past: Don’t. That is not to say that examining a past action and determining a better way to have done something isn’t useful. It is! However, running past mistakes over and over in our heads is not useful and not helpful. Learn the lesson and move on.

I actually started doing this in high school. Of course, there was a lot of drama during high school, a lot of romance, and several broken hearts. When we are young, we are trying behaviors to see if they fit with who we are and who we want to become. Sometimes we do extraordinarily stupid things, and because it’s high school it feels like the end of the world.

I would run “I should have” loops in my head endlessly. I made myself sick to my stomach. Realizing that the constant rehash wasn’t helping anything, I analyzed the situation and then decided on the lesson I wanted to bring forward. Then I’d create one short phrase like “Being kind is more important than being popular” or “Boys who like themselves more than me are not my cup of tea.” (And now we all know why I didn’t become a poet.)

Whenever the “should have” loop started running, I would pause and replace it with my new mantra for the situation. I would say it over and over again in my head until I was distracted by something else, which wasn’t usually that long in high school. Now I know that the technique is called cognitive restructuring, and it’s a tool that can help us take control of our thoughts so that we can move forward in a positive way.

Moving forward in a positive way is one of my main goals in life. Shoulding on ourselves about the present or the past keeps that positive movement from us. However, when we wave around the Magic Wand of Destiny and intentionally choose our thoughts and actions, we create a powerful momentum that propels us toward success and happiness.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

The Power of Choice: It’s Time to Wave Around the Magic Wand of Destiny

26 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#achievement, #empowerment, #MagicWandofDestiny, choice, Positivity

choice meme

The power of choice is one of my favorite topics because it has the potential to dramatically change people’s lives. Choosing on purpose is the theme of my leadership series. Many of us, myself included, have a tendency to fall into a victim mentality.  We say, “Oh, I have to do this” and “I have to do that.” In reality, most of the things that we do are choices.

I use an exercise in my communication workshops that creates a huge perspective shift for people. I have them complete the sentence “I have to…” with as many things as they can think of in about three minutes. If someone writes, “I have to eat, sleep, and breathe,” that is correct! We do “have” to do those things in order to keep living. However, most everything else is a choice.

Often someone will say, “But we have to pay taxes.” The answer is, “No, not really.” Generally we choose to pay taxes because we don’t want to risk penalties and jail, but we could choose to live as a hermit off the grid or risk not paying taxes in the hope that we wouldn’t get caught.

Life right now, for the most part, is the result of the choices we’ve made up to this point. People in my workshops usually groan at that statement. It is true and it hits home. We have made some really good choices in our lives and some not so great choices that have led us to our current situation.

I know that we don’t choose everything that happens to us. I am a woman who has had brain surgery on very short notice. However, we do get to choose how we react to what happens to us.

What’s important to note is that our future is determined by the choices that we make now. We make choices all the time without thinking about how those choices will affect the future. The key is to make choices intentionally. We must decide where we want to go, what we want to accomplish, and who we want to be. Using those decisions as a guide, we intentionally choose actions, attitudes, and perspectives that will move us closer to those goals.

I call choosing with intention “waving around the Magic Wand of Destiny.” I have a Magic Wand of Destiny that I use in my leadership seminars. (You can see it in the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZaiN1wnj6s) Choosing on purpose creates a completely different way of looking at the world. It can change what you do, and it can also change how you think about what you do.

When I first did the exercise of completing the sentence “I have too…” I wrote that I had to make my sons’ breakfast and lunch every morning. I didn’t really like making breakfast and lunch and I would lie in bed in the morning groaning about it. After the exercise, I realized that I was choosing to get up and prepare meals. The kids were middle school age and capable of fixing their own food.

However, I thought it was important to spend time with them in the morning and to ensure that they had good food to eat. Getting up and fixing meals were actions that were in alignment with my values. That realization didn’t change what I did, but it changed how I felt about doing it. When I woke up and thought, “I have to…” I stopped myself and started waving around the Magic Wand of Destiny. I told myself to either get up and cheerfully fix food or stay in bed.

In life you have three choices in most situations. If you don’t like what’s going on, the first option is to try and change it. If you control the situation, it’s easy to change. If you have no control, then changing it isn’t an option. In most situations, we have some influence that we can try to exert.

In workshops I use a personal example. We moved to a new place and were only going to be there one year. My youngest son, Andrew, had asthma and was allergic to dogs. There was a helping dog in the school and Andrew found himself with the dog often and we were having to increase his asthma medication as a result.

We didn’t completely control the situation, but we did have some influence. We met with teachers and the principal. I sent them information on asthma and allergies. It was all to no avail. They did not cooperate. We were unable to change the situation.

The second choice is to accept the situation. I do mean to truly accept the situation, not grit your teeth and endure it.  Accepting mean making a mental or physical adjustment that you can live with and that won’t stress you out. In our case, we were up to quadrupling Andrew’s asthma medicine so we couldn’t really accept the situation.

The third and final option is to flee. Fleeing doesn’t have to be a negative event. You can plan ahead and leave a situation on good terms. For example, if I’m volunteering on a board and want to leave the situation, I can just make it clear that I won’t return when my term is up. In my example with Andrew, we did flee. We pulled Andrew out of school and I homeschooled him that year. He decreased to minimal amount of medication and we had great year together.

The bottom line is if you don’t realize that you have the power of choice, you can become a victim. You can live in a constant victim mentality which is very unhealthy. It’s more useful to look at each situation and ask what you can intentionally do to improve it. Decide who you want to be and where you want to go. Then start waving around the Magic Wand of Destiny.

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