• About

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Tag Archives: #cognitiverestructuring

Literally, Change Your Mind

21 Tuesday Jul 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#changeyourmind, #cognitiverestructuring, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, choice

path

Note: This is a blog that I wrote back in February 2014. I’m publishing it again as much for a reminder to myself as anything else. I’ve added additional thoughts at the end.

When we think the same thoughts over and over, we create well-worn paths in our brains.  The metaphor of a path is more than just a metaphor.  It’s a description.  We do create neural pathways in our brains.  The more we take a particular neural path, the stronger the connections become, and the more quickly our brains use that path as a default.

The mental image of a path always makes me think of the last lines of Robert Frost’s poem, “The Road Not Taken”:   “Two roads diverged in a wood and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all of the difference.”  Taking the brain path that is less traveled, or even creating a new brain path, is the way to change thought patterns that are not serving us.

Let’s say I have worn a very clear and wide “poor me” path in my brain.  In any circumstance that I face, the easiest, quickest path to take is the “poor me” path.  The car breaks down—poor me!  Economy takes a dive—poor me! Daughter won’t do chores—poor me! Hangnail—poor me!  You get the idea. I could just as easily have worn a clear and wide “stupid you” path.

Most of the time we glide into thought patterns without thinking.  We could be imitating a parent. Perhaps our current thinking is influenced by a set of circumstances in our past.  The first step is to ask, “Is this way of thinking serving me now?”  It might have been useful when you were a child and under the control of others, but it might not be useful now.  Maybe it never was useful. It’s time to take a fresh look.

Sometimes an event can put us on a mental path that is keeping us stuck in the past or in a negative way of thinking.  Way back when I was in high school, I would obsess over any mistake that I made.  If I said or did something that hurt someone’s feelings or embarrassed me or was just plain stupid, I would play it in my head over and over.  After a while, I realized that replaying it wasn’t useful.  It made me sick to my stomach and kept me on the “I am an idiot” path.  I came up with a solution that I learned 30 years later is called cognitive restructuring.

First, look at the offending situation.  What lesson can you learn?  How can you avoid repeating the mistake?  Decide on a one-sentence lesson you have learned. Then take the lesson forward and leave the details behind.

I will share a particularly humiliating example. In high school, I was head-over-heels for a guy who dropped me and started going out with someone else.  I was so hurt and angry.  I drove past his house one evening and saw that his car was out front.  I stopped.  It was unlocked.  I don’t remember the details, but I messed up the inside and outside of his car.  No permanent damage, but afterward I was so ashamed and humiliated.  He had to have known it was me.

First step: What happened?

I acted on impulse out of anger.  I acted childishly.

Second step: How could I avoid the same mistake in the future?

No acting out in anger.  I have poor judgment when I am angry. No childish behavior.  That wasn’t who I wanted to be.

Third step: Create a takeaway phrase.

“No childish actions when angry” was mine. Each time I started to relive the humiliation, I stopped myself.  I said, “I’ve learned my lesson.  No childish actions when angry.”

Step four:  Think about something else.

I forced myself to go over my to-do list or start reciting song lyrics, anything to get me off of the path of replaying the event.

I didn’t just have to redirect my thoughts once.  I had to do it over and over again.  The key is consistency and determination. I had to stay off the well-worn path to let the branches, vines, and grass take over and make it disappear. Eventually, the path grew over.  Today, I can only recall the lesson, not the details.

In the time since I’ve discovered that replacing the offending thought pattern with a thought that creates a feeling of gratitude is even more effective.  If you are feeling grateful, you cannot feel any other emotion.  It replaces fear, unhappiness, and resentment.  How cool is that? Way better than to-do lists. The key is to make the gratitude path wide and clear—very easy to follow.  Line the gratitude path with images and memories that touch your heart because those have the most power. Then you can call them up easily and take that alternate gratitude path whenever you are tempted to take the one you’ve declared off-limits.

A friend pointed out that we don’t control individual thoughts that surface unbidden.  I guess that’s true to some extent.  However, what’s important here is that we have the power of choice.  We decide what to do with any unbidden thoughts and how long we let them linger.

Like the traveler in Robert Frost’s poem, we get to choose our paths.  We influence new thoughts by which paths we keep clear and which we let grow over.  We choose the tone of our internal dialogue.  We choose which paths to cultivate in our minds, and through those choices we choose the types of people we are going to be.

Final note: Man, 2014 feels like a very long time ago. It was most certainly another life. Rediscovering this blog feels providential because I am working to release a lot of anger and resentment over some life events that have happened in the interim. All of them are infinitely more serious than a high school prank.

The actions are not necessarily my own, but the events, circumstances and anger have had me firmly in their grip. I have been caught in an endless loop of negative thinking and blaming for quite some time.

I’ve decided that my takeaway phrase is “Shit happens, and most of it isn’t my fault.” I am not absolving myself of all responsibility, but stuff like injuries, illnesses, other people’s decisions, and COVID-19 are definitely not my fault!

This time around I am using one song lyric consistently to replace unbidden, negative thoughts and emotions. It honestly came to me while I was asleep, and it brings me great comfort. It feels like a message from Spirit. The song is “Just Remember I Love You” by Firefall. The specific lyric is “Just remember I love you, and it’ll be alright. Just remember that I love you more than I can say.”

A spiritual grounding is important for leaders. We must stand on a firm foundation to lead effectively. Choosing to master ourselves and our thoughts in an important proficiency. Connecting to our higher power gives us the strength and confidence that we need to do that – especially when we are running low on our own.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

No Trace of Injury

29 Tuesday Oct 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in coaching, Emotional Intelligence, Feelings, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

#cognitiverestructuring, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #navel-gazing, #NoTraceOfInjury

no trace of injury 1K px

I was watching an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Worf (the big, scary Klingon) fell off a catwalk and broke his spine. Luckily, a friendly alien with healing powers was on the scene. He put his hands on Worf’s head and fixed the broken spine. Dr. Crusher scanned the now breathing Worf and declared that there was no trace of injury.

The phrase really hit me: No trace of injury. My first thought was “I want that.” As I move forward in life, I want no trace of past injuries. Of course, that can be impossible for physical injuries. My ankles will always have some stiffness and tons of broken blood vessels from multiple sprains while playing basketball in high school.

However, what about emotional injuries? Do we need to carry those scars forward with us throughout our lives? I began to ask myself what was keeping me from living a life with no trace of injury.

I have felt for some time that I am resistant to being happy and successful. It infuriates me when people say, “You look good. Everything must be going well for you.” The immediate response in my head is, “You try restarting your life from scratch at 58 and see how well it goes, Donkey Head!”

In truth, life is going well! I have work that I love. I’ve bought a condo that is beginning to feel like home. I have friends and family who love and support me. My life is not the life that I planned and worked on for 35 years, but it’s pretty darn nice!

So why do I resist joy and peace? It took some soul searching and navel-gazing to come up with the answer. I feel that I am minimizing or even forgetting the trauma of my divorce if I look like I’m doing great. Several years of my life were awful, bordering on unbearable. If I look good, I believe that others think it couldn’t have been that bad if I’ve managed to recover so well.

If I look depressed and miserable, I am showing the world just how yucky the experience has been. I wear my misery as proof of my suffering. Yes, I know, that sounds very melodramatic. I have never denied my gift for hyperbole. What’s surprising is that I actually felt that way. It was a bit of a self-revelation.

I know that I am not alone in dealing with the curveballs that life throws. Many people have suffered much greater traumas than the ones that I have experienced. We all have experienced situations and events that just weren’t fair! Absolutely not our fault and totally unfair! The injustice of life can really get my blood boiling.

However, blood boiling is not all that productive. In reality, the only person suffering from my suffering is me. Can’t I just let the injustices of the past disappear? After more soul searching and navel-gazing, the answer for me right now is no. I cannot let it go completely. I want all the injustices I’ve endured to live on.

I want them to live on, but I’m tired of carrying them. So, I decided to write them all down. When I think of a time that I’ve been harmed, I write it down. If I start to think of that particular event again, I stop and tell myself that I don’t need to hold on to it in my brain anymore because it’s written on paper. The process is a blend of release and cognitive restructuring.

I told my therapist about my coping mechanism, and he asked me to make a list of all the “shaping events” of my life. Those include both positive and negative events that have made me who I am. We got into a lively discussion about whether or not we get to choose how we are shaped by an event. I feel that we get to choose to some degree. I can choose to become bitter and resentful, or I can choose to process the @(*#%/! emotions, learn the lesson, and move on.

For the record, I do not like processing emotions. I spent a good deal of life stuffing them and ignoring them. Also for the record, that is not the healthiest way to deal with them. It’s best if we name the emotion, claim the emotion, and then tame the emotion, which means we integrate the feeling and emotion into who we are now.

I like the idea of creating a list of shaping events for several reasons. First, it’s a balanced list of good and bad life events that helped create the me I am right now. That’s some good information to bring to light and discuss. Second, our beliefs are based on our experiences, and I am ready to look at those beliefs and see if they are still serving me. Third, I like that an objective person is going to read my list. It makes me feel seen and heard. Someone else will see my traumas and triumphs. As a result, I don’t feel like I have to hold on to them so hard.

I will definitely be asking my coaching clients to do the shaping event exercise. Coaching is about raising awareness and providing support. I look forward to being their witness to life’s triumphs and injustices. I will be keeper of their experiences so that they don’t have to carry them around anymore.

If we hold onto the past, we cannot move forward with joy into the future – with no trace of injury.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Cancel that order!

21 Tuesday Aug 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Resilience, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

#CancelThatOrder, #cognitiverestructuring, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, Positivity

cancel that order 500 px

My sister and I talked about a way to change thought patterns a while back. It’s a technique that I made up called Cancel that order! I talk about it at the beginning of my leadership series as a part of our emotional intelligence discussion. I was pleasantly surprised when my sister told me about using Cancel that order! and how it was helping her, her friends, my nephew, and his friends.

One of her friends called to chat while I was there, and she brought up Cancel that order! without any prompting from me. She said that none of that “positive thinking crap” worked for her but that Cancel that order! had helped her think more positively and also to gain more confidence.

Wow! It was humbling and fabulous feedback. I am so gratified when my coaching stuff really impacts people’s lives. However, the first person that I developed the technique for was me.

My mom was a worrier. She worried about money, her first grade students, and anyone driving. For a long time, I was a worrier, too.

Then I realized a couple of things. First, worrying about what may or may not happen is a huge emotional energy drain. Second, my worrying did not improve anyone’s chances of success or survival.

Worrying and negative self-talk are habits just like any other habit. We can change them with some effort. I designed a mental game to help me change my worrying ways. I pretended that every thought was a request for something that I wanted. When I thought about something, I was placing an order for it.

When I thought, “I am not going to have enough money this month,” I was placing an order for that to happen. Immediately I would think or say out loud, “Cancel that order!” Then I would replace the order with a new one: “I have plenty of money to make it through the month.”

The fancy, technical term for this is cognitive restructuring. Cognitive restructuring sounds like a hard and technical concept, but it’s not. It’s simply creating new thought habits and intentionally changing the way we think. It’s very powerful.

It isn’t always easy, but we can change our thinking patterns. Any time you catch yourself worrying and creating a worst-case scenario in your head, cancel that order! I actually clap my hands together when I am cancelling an order. Replace the negative thought with a thought about something that you want to happen or with an affirmation. Creating a positive internal dialogue makes life way less stressful.

Cancel that order! is very effective in dealing with negative self-talk. Pay attention to your thoughts. Anytime you hear yourself thinking that you aren’t enough in some way, cancel that order! If you walk to the closet thinking, “I don’t look good in any of my pants,” cancel that order! Replace it with what you want: “I look good in anything I put on.”

Changing our thoughts can’t magically change our reality. However, our reality will never change until we change our thoughts and beliefs. Cancel that order! is the first step in creating the life and environment that you desire.


For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

 

Don’t “Should” on Yourself

19 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Positivity, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#cognitiverestructuring, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #MagicWandofDestiny, #shouldingonyourself

shoulding on yourself 600 px

Last week, we talked about how it isn’t nice to should on other people. Telling others how to live their lives usually comes from a place of caring, but it isn’t really helpful. It also doesn’t help us to build positive relationships.

It’s also not nice to should on yourself. With my coaching clients, I listen for the word “should.” It’s a tip-off that something deeper is going on than just feeling that they should do something.

Shoulds are generally tied to someone else’s expectations. If a client says “I should apply for that promotion,” I know that something is up. There is some reluctance. He or she didn’t say “I want to apply.”

We talk about the internal dialogue that’s going on around applying for a promotion. Then I ask a lot of questions. Whose voice do they hear saying that the promotion is a good thing? Is it an expectation of someone else? Does it truly line up with the client’s values and priorities at this moment in time? What belief underlies the feeling of needing to apply? Is it a childhood belief that is still relevant and useful?

When people say that they should do something, there is rarely any passion or excitement behind it. Clients often say that they should exercise or read more, but there isn’t any enthusiasm. When we dig down to the root of the should, we often find some guilt and shame put on them by someone else. We all have the power to release ourselves from other people’s expectations and live life on our own terms – once we are aware of what is really going on.

Shoulds can also signal a task that needs to be done to achieve a goal, but that we just don’t like. Then the answer is a change in attitude and word choice. Writing this blog is an excellent example.

I haven’t missed a week in writing this blog for about two years. Believe me, that is a major accomplishment in my book. However, I often find myself saying “I should write some of my blog today.” My heart isn’t in it. It’s a chore.

Why I hear myself say “should,” it’s time to ask some questions. The first is “Is this something, although tedious, that I want to do to reach a goal or accomplish something?” If the answer is no, then see the questions above. If the answer is yes, then I need to dig down to my Big Why. (You can read a blog about finding your Big Why here. [link to blog])

My blog is my legacy for my children and grandchildren. I believe in what I teach and talk about. I have seen how leadership skills can change people’s lives at work and at home. I want my family to have this information after I am gone. My young granddaughter isn’t into listening about psychological safety or shoulding. We are reading picture books together at the moment. However, those discussions could help her immensely when she gets older. I want her to read this blog when she gets to high school and feels peer pressure that leads her to think she “should” do stuff that is against her values and priorities.

Every time I hear myself say “I should work on my blog,” I remind myself of why I write it, and I change the statement in my head to “I want to write my blog today.” Realizing that you want to do something because it is in alignment with your values and priorities and that it helps you to achieve a goal that has real meaning for you is very motivating. Just changing to “I want to” shifts the feeling around the task. It’s much more inspiring.

Pause when you hear yourself say “I should …” First, ask yourself if it’s something that you really want to do because it will help you to achieve a goal that has meaning for you. If the answer is yes, then get back in touch with your Big Why. What makes this action important to you? How is it going to help? I see my cute granddaughter’s face and imagine her as a teenager. I will be long gone when she is a young adult, and my blog is the only support I can offer her in the future.

If the task is not in alignment with your values and priorities, do you really have to do it? Who would you be pleasing or benefitting with the action? What belief is the “should” based on? Do you really want to move up the career ladder, or is that a parent’s wish for you? Questioning your motivation for a “should” can be a tricky thing. Work with a coach, or find a friend who is a good listener and asks curious questions.

Life goes by quickly, and we don’t get any moments back. We create a life of joy and purpose when we spend our time on things that have meaning for us and help us to create the life we want to have.

I want to add a short note about shoulding on yourself about things that you have done in the past: Don’t. That is not to say that examining a past action and determining a better way to have done something isn’t useful. It is! However, running past mistakes over and over in our heads is not useful and not helpful. Learn the lesson and move on.

I actually started doing this in high school. Of course, there was a lot of drama during high school, a lot of romance, and several broken hearts. When we are young, we are trying behaviors to see if they fit with who we are and who we want to become. Sometimes we do extraordinarily stupid things, and because it’s high school it feels like the end of the world.

I would run “I should have” loops in my head endlessly. I made myself sick to my stomach. Realizing that the constant rehash wasn’t helping anything, I analyzed the situation and then decided on the lesson I wanted to bring forward. Then I’d create one short phrase like “Being kind is more important than being popular” or “Boys who like themselves more than me are not my cup of tea.” (And now we all know why I didn’t become a poet.)

Whenever the “should have” loop started running, I would pause and replace it with my new mantra for the situation. I would say it over and over again in my head until I was distracted by something else, which wasn’t usually that long in high school. Now I know that the technique is called cognitive restructuring, and it’s a tool that can help us take control of our thoughts so that we can move forward in a positive way.

Moving forward in a positive way is one of my main goals in life. Shoulding on ourselves about the present or the past keeps that positive movement from us. However, when we wave around the Magic Wand of Destiny and intentionally choose our thoughts and actions, we create a powerful momentum that propels us toward success and happiness.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Follow Blog via Email

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 2,002 other subscribers
  • RSS - Posts

Categories

Follow me on Twitter

My Tweets

Archives

  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • February 2014
  • January 2014

Powered by WordPress.com.