Category Archives: Resilience

Resilience: Why Not Stay Inside and Wait Out the Storm?

28 Tuesday Apr 2020

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flower bud in the rain

We can’t completely avoid the change or adversity that storms into our lives, but there is a temptation to ignore the emotions that come along with it. Feeling disappointment, sadness, and loss is awful! Why would we want to do that?

While painful in the beginning, dealing with our emotions helps us in the long run. We maintain a healthy emotional life by naming our emotions, accepting them, and then releasing them. If we stuff emotions or ignore them, they become like small, annoying insects that keep buzzing in our ears for the rest of our lives.

One of the most profound things I learned in my coach training is this: the things that we can’t be with run our lives. If we can’t be with anger, then we avoid all situations that might make us or someone else angry. Think about the effects if we avoid disappointing people at all costs! If we can’t be with confrontation, we are constantly putting up with things that we don’t want to endure because we don’t want to start a fight. We want to use our coping mechanisms and face the situation and our emotions. We must walk through it now or avoid it forever.

Although our initial impulse may be to avoid uncomfortable emotions, they are not all bad. Discomfort is a powerful motivator and can lead to positive achievement if we maintain a positive mental state. Remember, how we view the situation makes all the difference.

There is an interesting TED Talk by Kelly McGonigal. She researches stress, and she discovered that stress doesn’t kill us – the belief that stress kills us is what kills us. Our perspectives have a tremendous effect on our bodies! That is important to keep in mind before, during, and after challenging times. Here is the link to the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcGyVTAoXEU&t=34s

In the video, McGonigal also talks about the hormones that our bodies release when we are feeling stressed. One of them is oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone” because it also releases when we touch other people. Oxytocin makes us want to interact and bond with others. So, when we are stressed, our bodies are helping us by encouraging us to reach out to other people.

Remember my learning at the Military Child Education Coalition workshop. That which does not kill us makes us stronger – as long as we have hope and support. We get both of those things when we reach out to others.

Finally, keep in mind that each time we overcome a challenge, we become more resilient. As we face adversity, change, and the emotions that come along with them, we build confidence. When the next challenge comes along, we can think to ourselves, “I’ve done this (or worse) before, and I can do it again.”

Creating a resilient life and using positive coping mechanisms greatly increase your chance of not only surviving adversity and change, but also thriving. Every storm that we weather makes us more confident that we can successfully face the next one. We create a spiral of success that carries us more easily through life’s storms.

Note: I’m re-running this series on resilience that I wrote back in 2017.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Resilience: Coping Mechanisms to Help You in a Downpour

21 Tuesday Apr 2020

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During the Downpour

Everything that we do to cope with stress somehow relieves the overwhelming emotions, if only for a while. Sometimes that can result in actions that harm us, like using drugs or drinking too much alcohol.

Here is a list of positive coping mechanisms that will help during times of adversity and change. Some of them will resonate with you, and some of them won’t. It’s like a menu; choose things that appeal to you. It’s a good idea to experiment with some of these techniques so that you are familiar with them before the next downpour in your life.

Exercise. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress. Studies have shown that walking 30 minutes a day is more effective at relieving depression than prescription drugs. Even mild exercise releases the endorphins that make us feel better.

The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). EFT is also called Tapping. I must admit that in the past, I was not a fan of Tapping. It wasn’t until my latest overwhelming life event that I realized its value.

EFT helps you to name the emotion that you are feeling, accept it, and release it. It can feel a little silly because you are tapping various places on your head and body while saying things out loud. I usually think the statements rather than say them out loud, and that helps me.

However, the results that people experience are impressive. Tapping has been shown to help with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Here is an interesting article on PTSD and Tapping: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201110/energy-therapy-acupoint-tapping-the-best-ptsd-treatment. There is even a World Tapping Summit.

I am not going to outline the process, but here is a link to a website that will give you more information: https://www.emofree.com/eft-tutorial/tapping-basics/how-to-do-eft.html. And here is one of my favorite YouTube tutorials on Tapping: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3sd9AoBjcc. It’s done by Cheryl Richardson, one of my favorite life coaches.

Positivity Portfolio. A Positivity Portfolio is another tool that can lift your spirits and inspire hope during a struggle. It’s a collection of pictures that evoke positive emotions for you. You can include pictures of puppies, family, friends, beach scenes, and hobbies you enjoy. You can collect the pictures in a physical binder or an electronic folder. Some people use Pinterest!

Looking at your Positivity Portfolio puts you in a positive frame of mind, which makes you open to new information and gives you the ability to see a broader view of the challenges that you face. When we are in a negative frame of mind, we have tunnel vision and are unable to see possible solutions. We also are not open to new information and perspectives when we are feeling negative and hopeless. A Positivity Portfolio helps us create a feeling of positivity that allows us to be more creative and hopeful.

The research on positivity and the Positivity Portfolio was done by Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, author of Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection.

Cognitive Restructuring. Cognitive restructuring sounds like a hard and technical concept, but it’s not. It’s simply creating new thought habits. We are intentionally changing the way we think. It’s very powerful.

Worrying and negative self-talk are habits just like any others. We can change them with some effort. I designed a mental game to help me change my worrying ways. I pretended that every thought was a request for something I wanted. When I thought about something, I was placing an order for it.

When I thought, “I am not going to have enough money this month,” I was placing an order for that to happen. Immediately I would think or say out loud, “Cancel that order!” Then I would replace the “order” with a new one: “I have plenty of money to make it through the month.”

During challenging times, it’s easy to worry and participate in negative self-talk, but we can change our thinking patterns. Any time you catch yourself worrying and creating a worst-case scenario in your head, cancel that order! Replace the negative thoughts with a thought about something that you want to happen or with an affirmation. Creating a positive internal dialogue makes life way less stressful.

Meditation. Regular meditation is one of the ways to increase your resilience. However, meditation is a great coping mechanism even if you haven’t meditated before. The best way to meditate when you are in a crisis is a guided mindful meditation.

In a guided mindful meditation, the person guiding you will direct you to pay attention to different parts of your body. Usually, the meditation starts at your toes and goes up to your head. Search for “mindful meditation” online, and you will get a lot of options. Here is a link to some good ones from UCLA: http://marc.ucla.edu/mindful-meditations.

A mindful meditation gives your brain a break from all of the thinking and worrying that it does in challenging times. I feel like my brain has had a nice nap after a mindful meditation.

One-step-at-a-time thinking. I use this one a lot during stressful times. I make a list of priorities and things to do. Then I put my head down and focus on the tasks one at a time. It really helps when the situation feels overwhelming and big. I think it’s similar to Dory’s “just keep swimming” philosophy. Put your head down, and keep moving one step at a time.

Aromatherapy. Essential oils have amazing properties! Lavender is a relaxing oil with a pleasant smell, but there are lots of others. Be sure to get a good quality oil. I have used Young Living Oils for decades, and I also like Rocky Mountain Oils. I made a roll-on blend of Roman chamomile and lavender in organic almond oil for my granddaughter. I gave some to a friend for her baby, and she uses it as a perfume for herself, too. She says that it helps everyone stay calm!

Sleep! Getting enough sleep is always important, but it is essential when you are facing trying times. I know, it’s even harder to sleep when you are in the middle of turmoil. Do your best to keep a schedule, and get yourself into bed on time. When I’m upset, I sometimes let myself fall asleep on the sofa, which leads to a fitful night of sleep. I feel awful the next day! Do your best to get in bed and get up at regular times. It will help your outlook on life and increase your resilience.

Journaling. Writing things down is a great way to process information and gain some clarity. For me, it feels like a release of toxic emotions. I vent onto the paper and write any and all horrible things that I am thinking. It’s like I transfer most of the emotions from me to the paper, and I feel better. The emotions are still there, but not as intense as they were before. I have a note at the front of my journal of ickiness that instructs anyone who finds it to throw it away and take no heed of what I’ve written. It’s just me letting off steam.

Help others. We get a good feeling when we help others. It increases our sense of connection and takes our minds off our own problems for a while.

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It’s best to have a wide range of coping strategies. The list above is a good start, but it doesn’t include everything that you can do. If you enjoy a hobby, that can be an excellent thing to focus on. When I am completely overwhelmed, I take video game breaks. I will set a time for 15 minutes and play Plants vs. Zombies. When I play, my mind is completely focused on the game, and it gives me a break from worry and stress for a little while.

Keep in mind that even healthy coping mechanisms can be bad if taken too far. For example, if we exercise to the point of injury or constant exhaustion, we aren’t taking care of ourselves; we are abusing ourselves.

Don’t be afraid to experiment! Try different coping mechanisms, and see which ones work for you. Absolutely reach out for help if you find yourself using negative coping mechanisms. Remember, you never have to face adversity alone!

Note: I’m re-running this series on resilience that I wrote back in April 2017.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Resilience: Making Yourself Resilient Before It Rains

14 Tuesday Apr 2020

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resilience community

It’s hard to be resilient if you feel like you are constantly being bombarded by life’s events. A good way to create resilience is to create as calm a life as possible before we are caught in a downpour. I know, easier said than done, but we can create more order and peace than we have now.

A good measure of a calm life is Emotional Pennies. We only have so much of ourselves to give each day. Think of the emotional energy that you spend as Emotional Pennies. Imagine that you start each day with 100 Emotional Pennies. You can’t carry any over to the next day and the goal is to end up with as many Emotional Pennies as possible at the end of each day. The more pennies you have at the end of the day, the more energy you will have to enjoy your evenings and get a few things done.

Some common things that we spend emotional energy on are work, family, health, other people’s problems, spirituality, friends, and things over which we have no control. Your list may not have all these items, and it probably has quite a few more. Which of these are wise investments, and which are wastes of our Emotional Pennies? As a general rule, we want to avoid any situation that constantly drains our emotional energy with no hope of the situation improving or resolving.

A good test question to ask is “If I face this situation and invest some emotional energy into it, can I resolve it so I never have to put another Emotional Penny into it again?” It’s worth a try if you think you can improve things. If it turns out that you can’t, do everything possible to remove yourself from all Emotional Penny-sucking black holes.

When I coach people, the common black holes for Emotional Pennies are a lack of organization and routines, negative people, and a negative attitude. You may have different things that use emotional energy; the key is to identify and eliminate those things.

Count up how many Emotional Pennies you spend each day for a week. When I did this exercise for the first time, I was surprised to learn that I had spent all 100 Emotional Pennies on my son’s school before lunch most days. I spent some extra Emotional Pennies trying to fix the situation, but in the end, I decided to homeschool him for that year.

In addition to eliminating things that unnecessarily drain our emotional energy, we want to build some positive things in our lives to help us be resilient. One of the most important things to create is a community that we can depend on.

In general, I have done a terrible job of doing this. Thank goodness my sister and a few good friends were willing to jump in and help when I had brain surgery while my husband was deployed to Afghanistan. You never know what rainstorm is going to fall on your head, and it’s an absolute necessity to have a community of family and friends who are ready to support you.

I did some training for the Military Child Education Coalition (MCEC). A group of facilitators would go in and talk with community representatives about how to help military children who face quite a bit of adversity. My big takeaway from that training and the research of Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg is that to make it through adversity, children need support and hope. That’s what adults need, too.

We get our support from our community, and a big portion of our hope comes from it, as well. It’s important to have people around who tell us that it’s going to be okay at a time when we aren’t so sure about that ourselves. Hope requires a big picture perspective that is difficult to get on our own when we are mired in emotional turmoil.

We can also foster hope by creating a positive attitude. A positive attitude is something that we can choose and create. A great beginning is to notice the good things that happen each day. We are hardwired to notice and hang on to the negative events of life, so it’s important to intentionally notice the positive things.

In addition to noticing, put a positive emotion to the event. Here is a list of positive emotions from Dr. Barbara Frederickson: awe, interest, inspiration, serenity, amusement, gratitude, pride, joy, hope, and love.  Noticing and naming positive emotions is the first important step to creating a positive attitude and outlook. Research shows that an increase in positivity results in an increase in resilience.

Here’s a summary of what to do to create a life that makes you more resilient:

1. Get rid of unnecessary energy drains in your life. Getting organized can be a huge help.

2. Gather a community to support you. It can be family, friends, and your spiritual community.

3. Create a positive attitude. Begin by noticing the positive events each day and naming the positive emotions they evoke.

Resilience is a trait that we can cultivate, and creating a peaceful life is the first step because it gives us a firm foundation to stand on when adversity and change threaten to wash away the ground beneath our feet.

Note: I’m re-running this series on resilience that I wrote back in 2017. Life isn’t normal right now, but we can still check in on our Emotional Penny use. I find myself spending Emotional Pennies trying to maintain the same standards that I do during normal times. I keep reminding myself that we are in the middle of a pandemic, and it’s okay to relax my standards a bit. I’ve lowered the bar in all facets of life and feel less stressed for it.

 What are you spending Emotional Pennies on that you could let go of during this time of enormous stress and uncertainty?

We can still have community by phone and video. If you reach out and don’t get the response that you need, consider a therapist, coach, or counselor. Many are meeting clients virtually now.

 A positive attitude can go a long way – even during a pandemic. Noticing the small moments and naming the positive emotions that you feel can create huge shifts in difficult times.

Resilience: What is resilience?

07 Tuesday Apr 2020

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I did a series of blogs about resilience in April 2017 as part of “Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model.” It seems like a good time to rerun the series. Many of us are facing challenges that we’ve never seen or imagined. I know that I am. So here is information that will help us manage this crisis with as much ease and grace as possible.

Resilience

April showers bring May flowers! Sometimes it’s more than a little rain; it’s a deluge! This month we are going to talk about how to survive and bounce back from adversity. We will talk about how to create a foundation that will make us more resilient and also discuss some coping mechanisms that will help when we are caught in the middle of a downpour.

What Is Resilience?

Resilience is the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. It’s our capacity to bounce back when we are hit with adversity and change.

Resilience is different from grit which is another popular concept. Grit is perseverance, the ability to stick with something over a long period of time. It’s an admirable quality, but not what we are going to discuss right now.

We are going to talk about how to get through the April showers of our life so we can go on to bloom and flourish.

When facing adversity, we are often told, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” That cliché is not true.  Without some coping mechanisms and a firm foundation, a trauma can indeed damage us. We don’t come out stronger. We come out weaker and broken.

However, there are things that we can do to make ourselves more resilient. We can learn and practice methods that will make us stronger. We will talk about creating a life that fosters resilience, and also coping mechanisms to use in the middle of a change or crisis.

Much of our resilience is determined by how we interpret the events that occur in our lives. Becoming aware of the emotional charge that we unnecessarily attach to events is the first step to becoming more resilient. It is a mental shift, and it can be life-changing.

Here is how our thought process works:

Event > Appraisal > Urge to Act > Action

First, we think about an event that is happening or could happen. Then, we appraise that situation or event, and we decide if it’s good, bad, exhilarating, scary, or calming. Once we appraise the event and attach an emotion to it, we have an urge to act. If we are angry, we might want to yell. If we are sad, we might want to cry. The emotion and the urge to act are closely tied and happen very quickly. Sometimes, the action follows before we stop to consider the consequences.

The event is just an event. It isn’t inherently good or bad. For example, public speaking isn’t inherently scary or fun, but people attach those emotions to it. Isn’t it fascinating that one event can be appraised so differently? It’s important to remember that public speaking is just talking in front of people, and the emotional charge is something we add to it.

We can get rid of a lot of stress if we can neutralize the emotional charge that we attach to things. For example, let’s say someone pulls out in front of me on the highway. It’s just an event – not good or bad. I get to appraise that event. I can get angry at the person’s carelessness or I can accept that we all pull out in front of someone sometimes. It’s just a part of driving.

I get to decide whether or not to charge the event by attaching a strong negative emotion to it. Stress isn’t caused by an event; stress is caused by our reaction to an event.

[This reminds me of the difference between the order to “Stay at home” and considering myself “Safe at home.”]

Sometimes all it takes to get rid of an emotional charge is to notice that we are feeling a strong negative emotion, name it, observe where we feel it in our bodies, and then take a deep breath. Observing ourselves re-engages our neocortex and gives us a chance to respond intentionally instead of as an immediate reaction to a feeling.

The awareness of our reaction to an event and the subsequent intentional choice of how to view the event is the first step to becoming more resilient. For example, the loss of a job can be scary and overwhelming. It will lead to some tough times and decisions. The loss of a job is also an opportunity to create a new life, perhaps in a new place. We determine whether our situation is a hopeless crisis, a grand adventure, or something in between. The important thing to remember is we get to choose.

[Now we get to choose how we react to a global pandemic! It’s planet-wide and very personal. I already see that my challenge is not reacting to my family from a place of stress and worry. I am choosing to take a breath, lower the bar for my daily expectations, and savor moments in an unrushed way. Everyone will remember their experience of COVID-19 and how we made them feel during it. They will not remember whether the furniture was dusted and everyone spotlessly clean. They will remember if they felt safe, loved, and supported. That is my choice.]

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

 Going All In

07 Tuesday May 2019

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Motivation, Resilience, Uncategorized

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I recently spoke to my Ex-Husband, Oldest Son, and Youngest Son all in one day. There was a time when I would have felt that it had been a wonderful day. However, times are not what they were, and all three conversations were distinctly unsatisfying.

The bottom line is that three people who were once closest to me and each other aren’t close at all anymore. The reason is a series of complicated stories that are not mine alone to tell. It feels like a Greek tragedy where everyone has done what they had to do to be true to themselves and no one is wrong, yet no one is exactly right, either.

The conversations unsettled me. I wallowed a bit in the fact that I have failed in one of my life’s major goals. I spent decades creating a loving family. At 22 years old, I decided to marry my Ex and make family the center of my life. I consciously decided to make family my first priority and career second. I gave up a job offer at a prominent PR firm to follow my new husband to Germany. It was a choice, and I made it on purpose.

My Ex and I had six years together before we had Oldest Son. They were very happy times. We were young, healthy, hopeful, and in love. My decision to put family first appeared to be a very good one.

Then we had Oldest and Youngest Sons within two years of each other. We were a young military family who stuck together as we moved. My mother moved in with us and made us a happy family of five. My decision to put family first appeared to be a very good one.

The kids grew, and we were all a team. We all supported my Ex in his military career. It felt good to have common goals and to work together at Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, and military life. My mom’s presence made our lives easier and more fun. I enjoyed all the phases of being a mom and staying home with my two boys. My decision to put family first appeared to be a very good one.

We had rough years individually and together. The boys were teens who made some bad teenage decisions, but we got through. They became young men in college who made some more not-great decisions, but we got through. My Ex deployed twice, and I had brain surgery during the first deployment. Tough times, but we got through. I began to work and felt like I could jump in and progress quickly in a long-postponed career. My decision to put family first still felt like a good decision.

My decision to put family first was influenced by a story that my high school basketball coach told me. He was divorced and single at that time. He told me that he had spent Christmas day alone, driving through town looking at all the lights. He said it was nice, but the melancholy tone in his voice and the pained look in his eyes told a different story. At 15 years old I decided that I never wanted to find myself in that position. I wanted always to have family around me for holidays.

Fast forward to now. I live alone in a small condo. I share walls and ceiling with others. My beloved Honda Pilot whom I call Amber sits out front with no shelter. She is my view from my front windows. Other people’s vehicles are my view in the back. Not one relative lives in the state that I live in. Oldest son lives with my grandchildren in New Jersey. Youngest son and his new bride live in Texas near my sister and her family. I am now almost 60 years old. I’ve spent a lifetime creating a family that has disintegrated. Putting family first doesn’t feel like the best decision I’ve ever made. Maybe it was and I just failed. I failed at my life’s main work.

Now, I spend most of my time alone. I have good friends where I live. I enjoy them and depend on them. I am working to create a community here. I visit Oldest Son and Youngest Son individually. It is Plan B. Plan A failed, and I feel like a failure trying to make the best of a situation I do not want to be in.

After wallowing about the unplanned results of my life and my feeling of being a complete failure, I remembered the most valuable lesson that I learned when getting my MBA. It was taught in terms of financial investments, but it applies to all aspects of life. When deciding what to do when moving forward, do not consider the sunk costs – what’s already been invested. Forget the past, and look hard at the present. Given the current situation with no thought to the past, what is the best thing to do? I translate that to: We are where we are. What do we do from here? More accurately now: I am where I am. What do I do from here?

Not considering past expectations removes an enormous emotional burden. I use a hurricane metaphor to help me get past the recent changes in life. A huge hurricane came through that destroyed everything and caused me to start life again. It wasn’t my fault, and there was nothing I could have done to avoid it. That mindset helps me see the current situation more clearly because it clears all regrets. Whether it’s true or not doesn’t matter. I am where I am, and blame and failure are irrelevant. Nothing can change the present.

The future is another matter. It can be changed! Or not. I could continue to wallow and rewind the past in my head, which would lead to an icky future that is not much different than the present. Good thing I have a Magic Wand of Destiny and the Power of Choice. I’ve written a lot about goals, making intentional choices, finding your Big Why, and taking baby steps forward. Insert all of that information here. I am assessing my current situation objectively, finding my motivation, and making a plan.

However, there is another thing to consider that will help – mindset. I read a story in leadership workshops from the book Whistle While You Work by Richard Leider and David Shapiro. Leider tells about a time that he went on an East African adventure with Outward Bound. The group found themselves walking through tall grass, and one person saw a lion. The grass is called Lion Grass because it’s one of a lion’s favorite hunting grounds.

The gravity and danger of their situation suddenly hit home to the person who had seen the lion. He sat down and refused to go on. He wanted to turn back, but the truck that had dropped them off was en route to the meeting place ahead of them. There was nowhere to go back to. I can definitely relate to the situation and the feeling!

The leader talked with the shaken man and explained the situation. It didn’t help. The man refused to move. Then the leader offered an Outward Bound motto: “If you can’t get out of it, get into it!” In other words, if there is no way to remove yourself from an unwanted situation, the answer is to completely get into it so you can move yourself through it as quickly as possible.

I’ve actually reminded myself of this concept several times throughout my life. If I took on a task or job that I didn’t like but didn’t want to quit, I chose to completely get into it. The journey was less painful, I was successful, and the end seemed to arrive more quickly.

So, what does “getting into it” look like? It’s about being all in. A friend once told me that she liked watching me play basketball in high school because when I played, I was all in. To me, it means that no part of me is playing the observer; all of me is completely present in the experience.

That is how I want to be now as I create a life that is nowhere near the expectations I held for decades. I want to be all in. I want to really get into it. I want to be fully engaged with no part of me sitting on the sidelines complaining or being hesitant. I am drawing my line in the sand and stepping over it into a life I completely accept and intend to enjoy. I am where I am, and I’ve decided to like it.

P.S. This little girl is my current role model: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Cancel that order!

21 Tuesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Resilience, Uncategorized

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My sister and I talked about a way to change thought patterns a while back. It’s a technique that I made up called Cancel that order! I talk about it at the beginning of my leadership series as a part of our emotional intelligence discussion. I was pleasantly surprised when my sister told me about using Cancel that order! and how it was helping her, her friends, my nephew, and his friends.

One of her friends called to chat while I was there, and she brought up Cancel that order! without any prompting from me. She said that none of that “positive thinking crap” worked for her but that Cancel that order! had helped her think more positively and also to gain more confidence.

Wow! It was humbling and fabulous feedback. I am so gratified when my coaching stuff really impacts people’s lives. However, the first person that I developed the technique for was me.

My mom was a worrier. She worried about money, her first grade students, and anyone driving. For a long time, I was a worrier, too.

Then I realized a couple of things. First, worrying about what may or may not happen is a huge emotional energy drain. Second, my worrying did not improve anyone’s chances of success or survival.

Worrying and negative self-talk are habits just like any other habit. We can change them with some effort. I designed a mental game to help me change my worrying ways. I pretended that every thought was a request for something that I wanted. When I thought about something, I was placing an order for it.

When I thought, “I am not going to have enough money this month,” I was placing an order for that to happen. Immediately I would think or say out loud, “Cancel that order!” Then I would replace the order with a new one: “I have plenty of money to make it through the month.”

The fancy, technical term for this is cognitive restructuring. Cognitive restructuring sounds like a hard and technical concept, but it’s not. It’s simply creating new thought habits and intentionally changing the way we think. It’s very powerful.

It isn’t always easy, but we can change our thinking patterns. Any time you catch yourself worrying and creating a worst-case scenario in your head, cancel that order! I actually clap my hands together when I am cancelling an order. Replace the negative thought with a thought about something that you want to happen or with an affirmation. Creating a positive internal dialogue makes life way less stressful.

Cancel that order! is very effective in dealing with negative self-talk. Pay attention to your thoughts. Anytime you hear yourself thinking that you aren’t enough in some way, cancel that order! If you walk to the closet thinking, “I don’t look good in any of my pants,” cancel that order! Replace it with what you want: “I look good in anything I put on.”

Changing our thoughts can’t magically change our reality. However, our reality will never change until we change our thoughts and beliefs. Cancel that order! is the first step in creating the life and environment that you desire.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

 

Spending Emotional Pennies Wisely

07 Tuesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Mindfulness, Resilience, Uncategorized

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Quite a few people have recently told me that tracking Emotional Pennies has been a life changer for them. Below is a blog that I wrote about Emotional Pennies back in 2015. The concept is so powerful that I want to make sure that as many people as possible have a chance to use it to transform their perspectives and lives.

For those of us familiar with the concept, it’s a good reminder to check in on our Emotional Penny use. It’s a good idea to check in every now and then to be sure that we are being intentional in the use of our Emotional Pennies.

We usually think about time as the limiting resource each day. We never seem to have enough time! However, we can use the time that we have more effectively if we learn to manage another valuable and limited resource – emotional energy. How many times do you fall into the overstuffed chair at the end of the day and spend precious moments watching whatever is on TV because you feel too tired to do anything else?

We only have so much of ourselves to give each day. Think of the emotional energy that you spend each day as Emotional Pennies. Imagine that you start each day with 100 Emotional Pennies. You can’t carry any over to the next day, and the goal is to end up with as many Emotional Pennies as possible at the end of each day. The more pennies you have at the end of the day, the more energy you will have to enjoy your evenings.

Some common things that we all spend emotional energy on are work, family, health, other people’s problems, spirituality, friends, and things over which we have no control. Your list may not have all of these items and probably has quite a few more. Which of these are wise investments, and which are wastes of our Emotional Pennies?

A totally silly way to spend Emotional Pennies is on things over which we have no control. My personal pet peeve is when someone gets angry and cross when his or her favorite professional team loses. Tying your sense of well-being and happiness to a group of people you do not know and over whom you have no control seems about as absurd a being angry over which direction the wind is coming from.

The first step in limiting our unnecessary expenditures of emotional energy is to pay attention to how we are spending our Emotional Pennies. In everyday life, we want to invest our emotional energy in things we enjoy, people we love, and situations that we can change for the better. A good test question to ask is: “If I face this situation and invest some emotional energy into it, can I resolve it so that I never have to put another Emotional Penny into it again?” If the answer is yes, go for it! Break off the relationship, improve the situation, and/or release that old resentment!

As a general rule, you want to avoid any situation that constantly drains your emotional energy with no hope of the situation improving or resolving. However, sometimes you have to invest a bit before you figure out that you are facing a lost cause.

For example, we tried to work with the school to make it a safe and healthy environment for our youngest son, Andrew, when he was in 7th grade. He had asthma at that time and was allergic to dogs. There was a helping animal in the school for one of the other students. I spent tons of Emotional Pennies at the school talking to the principal, guidance counselor, assistant principal, and teachers. I could not get them to keep the dog and Andrew apart.

It took me awhile, but I finally realized that I couldn’t change the situation. My options were to continue spending almost all of my 100 pennies at the school each day or to get us all out of that particular situation. In the end, I homeschooled Andrew for the rest of that school year, and none of us ever regretted leaving that penny-sucking, black hole behind.

Emotional Pennies are a great tool to help us put the moments of our day to best use. We can dramatically improve the quality of our lives by spending our Emotional Pennies with intention. By spending on things that give us a return investment in love, support, and satisfaction, we can create a life that doesn’t exhaust us.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

 

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

 

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

Resilience: Why Not Stay Inside and Wait Out the Storm?

25 Tuesday Apr 2017

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flower bud in the rain

April Series: Resilience

Why Not Stay Inside and Wait Out the Storm?

We can’t completely avoid the change or adversity that storms into our lives, but there is a temptation to ignore the emotions that come along with it. Feeling disappointment, sadness, and loss is awful! Why would we want to do that?

While painful in the beginning, dealing with our emotions helps us in the long run. We maintain a healthy emotional life by naming our emotions, accepting them, and then releasing them. If we stuff or ignore our emotions, they become like small annoying insects that keep buzzing in our ears for the rest of our lives.

One of the most profound things I learned in my coach training is that the things that we can’t be with run our lives. If we can’t be with anger, then we avoid all situations that might make us or someone else angry. Think about the effects if we avoid disappointing people at all costs! If we can’t be with confrontation, we constantly put up with things that we don’t want to endure because we don’t want to start a fight. We want to use our coping mechanisms and face the situation and our emotions. We must walk through it now or avoid it forever.

Although our initial impulse may be to avoid uncomfortable emotions, they are not all bad. Discomfort is a powerful motivator and can lead to positive achievement if we maintain a positive mental state. Remember, how we view the situation makes all the difference.

There is an interesting TED Talk by Kelly McGonigal. She researches stress, and she discovered that stress doesn’t kill us – the belief that stress kills us is what kills us. Our perspectives have a tremendous effect on our bodies! That is important to keep in mind before, during, and after challenging times. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcGyVTAoXEU&t=34s

In the video, McGonigal also talks about the hormones that our bodies release when we feel stressed. One of them is oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone” because it also releases when we touch other people. Oxytocin makes us want to interact and bond with others. So, when we are stressed, our bodies help us by encouraging us to reach out to other people.

Remember my learning at the Military Child Education Coalition workshop: that which does not kill us makes us stronger – as long as we have hope and support. We get both of those things when we reach out to others.

Finally, keep in mind that each time we overcome a challenge, we become more resilient. As we face adversity, change, and the emotions that come along with them, we build confidence. When the next challenge comes along, we can think to ourselves, “I’ve done this (or worse) before, and I can do it again.”

Creating a resilient life and using positive coping mechanisms greatly increase your chance of not only surviving adversity and change, but also thriving. Every storm that we weather makes us more confident that we can successfully face the next one. We create a spiral of success that carries us easily through life’s storms. If we stay inside, we miss the rain – and an opportunity for growth.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Coping Mechanisms to Help You in a Downpour

18 Tuesday Apr 2017

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During the Downpour

April Series: Resilience

Coping Mechanisms to Help You in a Downpour

Everything that we do to cope with stress somehow relieves the overwhelming emotions, if only for a while. Sometimes that can result in actions that harm us, like using drugs or drinking too much alcohol.

I am going to give you a list of positive coping mechanisms that will help during times of adversity and change. Some of them will resonate with you, and some of them won’t. It’s like a menu; choose things that appeal to you. It’s a good idea to experiment with some of these techniques so that you are familiar with them before the next downpour in your life.

Exercise. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress. Studies have shown that walking 30 minutes a day is more effective for relieving depression than prescription drugs. Even mild exercise releases the endorphins that make us feel better.

The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). EFT, also called Tapping, is a calming technique that can help with stressful situations and emotions. I must admit that in the past, I was not a fan of Tapping. It wasn’t until my latest overwhelming life event that I realized its value.

Tapping helps you to name the emotion that you are feeling, accept it, and release it. It can feel a little silly because you are tapping various places on your head and body while saying things out loud. I usually think the statements rather than say them out loud, and that helps me.

However, the results that people experience are impressive. Tapping has been shown to help with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Here is an interesting article on PTSD and Tapping: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201110/energy-therapy-acupoint-tapping-the-best-ptsd-treatment. There is even a World Tapping Summit.

I am not going to outline the process here, but here is a link to a website that will give you more information: https://www.emofree.com/eft-tutorial/tapping-basics/how-to-do-eft.html. Here is one of my favorite YouTube tutorials on Tapping: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3sd9AoBjcc. It’s done by Cheryl Richardson, one of my favorite life coaches.

Positivity Portfolio. A Positivity Portfolio is another tool that can lift your spirits and inspire hope during a struggle. It’s a collection of pictures that evoke positive emotions for you. You can include pictures of puppies, family, friends, beach scenes, and hobbies you enjoy. You can collect the pictures in a physical binder or an electronic folder. Some people use Pinterest!

Looking at your Positivity Portfolio puts you in a positive frame of mind, which makes you open to new information and gives you the ability to see a broader view of the challenges that you face. When we are in a negative frame of mind, we have tunnel vision and are unable to see possible solutions. We also are not open to new information and perspectives when we feel negative and hopeless. A Positivity Portfolio helps us create a feeling of positivity that allows us to be more creative and hopeful.

The research on positivity and the Positivity Portfolio was done by Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, author of Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection.

Cognitive Restructuring. Cognitive restructuring sounds like a hard and technical concept, but it’s not. It’s simply creating new thought habits and intentionally changing the way we think. It’s very powerful.

Worrying and negative self-talk are habits just like any other habit. We can change them with some effort. I designed a mental game to help me change my worrying ways. I pretended that every thought was a request for something I wanted. In my mind, when I thought about something, I was placing an order for it.

When I thought, “I am not going to have enough money this month,” I was placing an order for that to happen. Immediately I would think or say out loud, “Cancel that order!” Then I would replace the order with a new one: “I have plenty of money to make it through the month.”

During challenging times, it’s easy to worry and participate in negative self-talk, but we can change our thinking patterns. Any time you catch yourself worrying and creating a worst-case scenario in your head, cancel that order! Replace the negative thoughts with a thought about something that you want to happen or with an affirmation. Creating a positive internal dialogue makes life way less stressful.

Meditation. Regular meditation is one of the ways to increase your resilience. However, meditation is a great coping mechanism even if you have never meditated before. The best way to meditate when you are in a crisis is a guided mindful meditation.

In a guided mindful meditation, the person guiding you will direct you to pay attention to different parts of your body. Usually, the meditation starts at your toes and goes up to your head. Search for “mindful meditation” online and you will see a lot of options. Here is a link to some good ones from UCLA: http://marc.ucla.edu/mindful-meditations.

A mindful meditation gives your brain a break from all of the thinking and worrying that it does in challenging times. I feel like my brain has had a nice nap after a mindful meditation.

One-step-at-a-time thinking. I use this one a lot during stressful times. I make a list of priorities and things to do. Then I put my head down and focus on the tasks one at a time. It really helps when a situation feels overwhelming and big. I think it’s similar to Dory’s “just keep swimming” philosophy. Put your head down, and keep moving one step at a time.

Aromatherapy. Essential oils have amazing properties! Lavender is a relaxing oil with a pleasant smell, but there are lots of others. Be sure to get a good quality oil. I have used Young Living Oils for decades, and I also like Rocky Mountain Oils. I made a roll-on blend of Roman chamomile and lavender in organic almond oil for my granddaughter. I gave some to a friend for her baby, and she uses it as a perfume for herself, too. She says that it helps everyone stay calm!

Sleep! Getting enough sleep is always important, but it is essential when you are facing trying times. I know, it’s even harder to sleep when you are in the middle of turmoil. Do your best to keep a schedule and get yourself into bed on time. When I’m upset, I sometimes let myself fall asleep on the sofa, which leads to a fitful night of sleep. I feel awful the next day! Do your best to get in bed and get up at regular times. It will help your outlook on life and increase your resilience.

Journaling. Writing things down is a great way to process information and gain some clarity. For me, it feels like a release of toxic emotions. I vent onto the paper and write any and all horrible things that I am thinking. It’s like I transfer most of the emotions from me to the paper, and I feel better. The emotions are still there, but not as intense as they were before. I have a note at the front of my Journal of Ickiness that instructs anyone who finds it to throw it away and take no heed of what I’ve written. It’s just me letting off steam.

Help others. We get a good feeling when we help others. It increases our sense of connection and takes our minds off our own problems for a while.

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It’s best to have a wide range of coping strategies. The list above is a good start, but it doesn’t include everything that you can do. If you enjoy a hobby, that can be an excellent thing to focus on. When I am completely overwhelmed, I take video game breaks. I will set a time for 15 minutes and play Plants vs. Zombies. When I play, my mind is completely focused on the game, and it gives me a break from worry and stress for a little while.

Keep in mind that even healthy coping mechanisms can be bad if taken too far. For example, if we exercise to the point of injury or constant exhaustion, we aren’t taking care of ourselves; we are abusing ourselves.

Don’t be afraid to experiment! Try different coping mechanisms, and see which ones work for you. Absolutely reach out for help if you find yourself using negative coping mechanisms. Remember, you never have to face adversity alone!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Making Yourself Resilient Before It Rains

11 Tuesday Apr 2017

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April Series: Resilience

Making Yourself Resilient Before It Rains

It’s hard to be resilient if you feel like you are constantly being bombarded by life’s events. A good way to create resilience is to create as calm of a life as possible. I know it’s easier said than done, but we can create more order and peace than we have now.

A good measure of a calm life is emotional pennies. We only have so much of ourselves to give each day. Think of the emotional energy that you spend as emotional pennies. Imagine that you start each day with 100 emotional pennies. You can’t carry any over to the next day and the goal is to end up with as many emotional pennies as possible at the end of each day. The more pennies you have at the end of the day, the more energy you will have to enjoy your evenings and get a few things done.

Some common things that we spend emotional energy on are work, family, health, other people’s problems, spirituality, friends, and things over which we have no control. Your list may not have all these items, and it probably has quite a few more. Which of these are wise investments and which are wastes of our emotional pennies? As a general rule, we want to avoid any situation that constantly drains our emotional energy with no hope of the situation improving or resolving.

A good test question to ask is “If I face this situation and invest some emotional energy into it, can I resolve it so that I never have to put another emotional penny into it again?” It’s worth a try if you think you can improve things. If it turns out that you can’t, then do everything possible to remove yourself from all emotional penny-sucking black holes.

When I coach people, the common black holes for emotional pennies are a lack of organization and routines, negative people, and a negative attitude. You may have different things that use emotional energy, but the key is to identify and eliminate them.

Count up how many emotional pennies you spend each day for a week. When I did this exercise for the first time, I was surprised to learn that I had spent all 100 emotional pennies on my son’s school before lunch most days. I spent some extra emotional pennies trying to fix the situation, but in the end, I decided to homeschool him for that year.

In addition to eliminating things that unnecessarily drain our emotional energy, we want to build some positive things in our lives to help us be resilient. One of the most important things to create is a community that we can depend on.

In general, I have done a terrible job of doing this. Thank goodness my sister and a few good friends were willing to jump in and help when I had brain surgery while my husband was deployed to Afghanistan. You never know what rainstorm is going to fall on your head, and it’s an absolute necessity to have a community of family and friends that are ready to support you.

I did some training for the Military Child Education Coalition (MCEC). A group of facilitators would go in and talk with community representatives about how to help military children who face quite a bit of adversity. My big take-away from that training and the research of Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg is that to make it through adversity, children need support and hope. That’s what adults need, too.

We get our support from our community, and a big portion of our hope comes from it as well. It’s important to have people around who tell us that it’s going to be OK at a time when we aren’t so sure about that ourselves. Hope requires a big picture perspective which is difficult to get on our own when we are mired in emotional turmoil.

We can also foster hope by creating a positive attitude. A positive attitude is something that we can choose and create. A great beginning is to notice the good things that happen each day. We are hard-wired to notice and hang on to the negative events of life so it’s important to intentionally notice the positive things.

In addition to noticing an event, put a positive emotion to it. Here is a list of positive emotions from Dr. Barbara Frederickson: awe, interest, inspiration, serenity, amusement, gratitude, pride, joy, hope, and love.  Noticing and naming positive emotions is the first important step to creating a positive attitude and outlook. Research show that an increase in positivity results in an increase in resilience.

Here’s a summary of what to do to create a life that makes you more resilient:

  1. Get rid of unnecessary energy drains in your life. Getting organized can be a huge help.
  2. Gather a community to support you. It can be family, friends, and your spiritual community.
  3. Create a positive attitude. Begin by noticing the positive events each day and naming the positive emotion that it evokes.

Resilience is a trait that we can cultivate. Creating a peaceful life, a positive attitude, and a supportive community gives us a firm foundation to stand on when adversity and change threaten to wash away the ground beneath our feet.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.