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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: May 2020

Unpacking Our Boxes in the New Normal

26 Tuesday May 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Uncategorized

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#change, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #newnormal, #stress, #unpackingourboxes

new normal

I have to admit that I am also tired of hearing “new normal” and “unprecedented times.” However, both phrases accurately describe what we are facing.

I first heard the term “new normal” when I worked with the Military Child Education Coalition (MCEC). A team of facilitators would travel to speak with community leaders across the country about how military children were facing a new normal and what the leaders could do to help. Many soldiers returned to their families from Iraq and Afghanistan changed physically, mentally, or both. These military families were defining and handling a new normal.

The new normal that we are facing because of COVID-19 can be as dramatic a change as those military families faced. Certainly, frontline workers and people who have caught COVID-19 and their family members have had their lives change drastically. My thoughts and prayers are with all of them.

The rest of us are facing changes that feel pretty big. We are restricted on where we go and whom we see, and we are asked to wear a mask to protect others. None of these are unreasonable requests given the magnitude of the COVID-19 threat. However, we have been moved against our will to a new normal.

Anyone who has been in a leadership workshop with me knows that I like to use metaphors to make things easier to see and understand. I like to think about this new normal as moving to a new house.

Movers have come into our homes and packed up everything that we keep hidden in the back of our closets and under the bed, things we don’t like to look at and would prefer to ignore. These are things like how we feel about ourselves, our abilities, our relationships, and our work. They’ve probably been unexamined for quite some time. Generally we keep busy so we don’t have to look at anything in our lives that makes us feel uncomfortable. Now they’ve been packed up in boxes that are blocking our paths at every turn.

Most of us have moved at some point in our lives. I’ve moved 20 or so times. After the moving truck pulls away, we are faced with a dwelling full of boxes. Walking from room to room is like walking in a maze. I remember having one small space to crawl through to get to my bed that was surrounded by a wall of boxes. It was like sleeping in a tiny fortress.

That’s where we are in this new normal. It’s really the same home, but it’s cluttered with boxes of unexamined items. We aren’t even sure what is in most of the boxes. And we now have a choice.

We can continue to dodge the boxes, waiting for the day when we can escape our homes and go back to ignoring them. Eventually they will make their way back into the closet and under the bed. However, we have a great opportunity to declutter our lives and create more space for living.

The other metaphor that I use for freeing up space in our lives is a garden. We are born with a beautiful, open garden. As we experience life, we decide that certain experiences are painful and shouldn’t be repeated. Many happen in childhood. If someone makes fun of one of my drawings, I rope off the drawing area of the garden and vow not to go in there again. Then I try to cook, and it’s awful. So I rope off the area of creative cooking. After a while, my nice, open garden is full of roped-off areas, and I can hardly walk in it.

Here is the bottom line: What we can’t be with runs our lives. If I am constantly avoiding drawing, cooking, and maybe conflict, I construct a life that avoids those things. I am not free. It can be painful, but it’s better to revisit the area and open it up again so we have space to explore the possibilities of our lives.

So, how do we unpack the boxes and examine the contents? How do we decide what we keep and find a place for in our lives? How do we know what to get rid of?

Before we begin, we have to get brave and strong. I’ve written two blogs on our autonomic nervous system and its three states. We find courage in the highest state, the ventral vagal state. If examining a box seems beyond your capabilities, start with those blogs, and figure out how to get into your most creative and peaceful state, where you have a general sense of well-being. Then you can tackle the hard stuff. Ultimately, figuring out what’s in our boxes helps us achieve and stay in the ventral vagal state.

We open a box by sitting still and asking ourselves what discomfort we are trying to avoid. We might get the image of a person or a certain situation, but we will feel an emotion. First, we name the emotion. Is it fear, shame, embarrassment, or anger? Sometimes it helps to look at a list of emotions. University of California, Berkeley researchers defined 27 basic emotions: admiration, adoration, aesthetic appreciation, amusement, anger, anxiety, awe, awkwardness, boredom, calmness, confusion, craving, disgust, empathic pain, entrancement, excitement, fear, horror, interest, joy, nostalgia, relief, romance, sadness, satisfaction, sexual desire, and surprise. There are lots of lists online.

Relationship researcher John Gottman also has a list: defensive, not listened to, my feelings were hurt, angry, sad, unloved, misunderstood, criticized, worried, afraid, unsafe, out of control, righteously indignant, unfairly picked on, stupid, lonely, and ashamed. Personally, I think they both left off frustration, and I’m not sure what category it would fit under. As always, do your own thing, and find a list – or not – that resonates with you.

Once we have defined the emotion, we can ask “What makes me feel that way?” For example, if I sit quietly I begin to think about all of the things that I feel I should be doing for work. The emotion that I am feeling is hopelessness. I don’t feel like there is a point to do the tasks that would increase my online presence – which is more necessary given I can’t meet with groups in person right now. I remember my failed attempts to do things online. I spent a lot of time on an online class that got little to no response. Now I have defined the emotion and what makes me feel that way.

Now, I have some choices. It’s helpful to step outside ourselves and become an observer at this point. If a friend was in this predicament, what might you recommend? It’s easier to make choices if we aren’t stuck in the muck of emotion, and we engage our neocortex when we shift to observer mode. We can start by asking ourselves where we feel this emotion in our bodies.

The three choices in a situation we do not like are to change it, accept it, or flee from it. Let’s start with change. We can make a physical change or a mental shift. In my example, I can reframe the failure as a learning and try again in a different way. I can change my attitude. I can also change how I go about creating an online presence.

If I accept the situation, I make peace with the fact that creating an online presence is a waste of time. The key is being at peace with it and deciding that there are better uses for my time.

Fleeing in this instance could mean changing professions. Maybe leadership training will never happen in person again. Perhaps I need to learn to code. In reality, it feels a bit early to flee, and I sincerely believe that the concepts that I talk about are necessary and life-changing. I know that I won’t be fleeing.

If I’d been thinking about a relationship or a job, the steps would be the same. I could have defined worry as the emotion that I was feeling, or anxiety, and determined that financial worries were the cause. The steps are the same. I ask, “Can I change it?” If not, can I accept it? If not, can I get out of it and flee?

In general, the same questions apply to people, situations, and beliefs as apply to objects that we own. Do I love it? Is it useful? We want to eliminate things from our lives that don’t bring us joy or are not useful.

Honestly, a life coach can help with this process – defining the emotion, the cause, and what to do about it, if anything. It can be very difficult to see ourselves objectively.

We are deciding who we want to be in this new normal and then eliminating the things that don’t support the new us. We want to hold on to the people, ideas, and things that do support us. I have made some choices concerning my example.

I’ve decided that I need help and expertise. I have a virtual assistant starting in September to handle the technology part of my vision. I am getting the pieces and parts ready now. Analyzing the discomfort led me to take positive action toward a new goal, necessitated by the new normal.

Our new normal can include more peace, joy, and freedom if we are willing to examine ourselves and take steps to support the new us in the new normal.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Stress and Polyvagal Theory (Part 2)

19 Tuesday May 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Tags

#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #learning, #polyvagaltheory

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In the last blog, we talked about Polyvagal Theory. If you’re back, I didn’t scare you off with the science stuff. In brief, our autonomic nervous system has three states: dorsal vagal (Down in a Hole), sympathetic nervous system (Superman on High Alert), and ventral vagal (Victory). It is important to know what the three states are and how they feel to us individually.

And we took care of all that last week! So if we think of the three states as being on a ladder – as suggested by Deb Dana in her book The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy – how do we move up the ladder?

First, we don’t jump from the bottom to the top of the ladder. We go up or down one rung at a time. It’s important to realize that we aren’t going to suddenly become joyful if we are depressed.

However, there are a bunch of things that we can do to help move our autonomic nervous system to the ventral vagal state. These things can also help us stay there. I’ve already implemented several and feel that my mental state is much improved. Here is a list:

1. Breath/Meditation. Emotions and respiration are linked. We can influence our emotions by paying attention to our breath. We become mindful and focus only on our breath in the moment. Deep, full breaths help us calm down and move to the ventral vagal state. Note: A deep, full breath starts with a complete exhale to empty the lungs.

Meditation is another form of mindfulness. One meditation, in particular, has tons of research about its benefits for the person meditating and the person the meditator is concentrating on. You can read about it here and also find lots of guided loving-kindness meditations if you search online. Know that regular practice of the loving-kindness meditation can have a profound effect on your health and mental well-being.

2. Sound/Music. Pleasant sounds can improve our mood and outlook. It’s fun to figure out what makes us feel more positive. I like the sound of a babbling brook. I had a candle that was also a small fountain, and I miss its soothing sound. I am looking for another one.

Music is especially powerful. I asked my leadership workshop participants to send me a song that lifted their spirits, and I created a playlist. I enjoy some of the songs that they sent. Others just don’t do it for me. I find that our choice of music that moves us up the autonomic nervous system ladder is very individual. There isn’t one song for everyone.

I do have a happy playlist on my phone. I add to it every time I hear a song that energizes me. When I need some motivation, I listen to my happy songs. Never try to rationalize your choice of songs. If it makes your heart feel lighter, it’s good. I have Barry Manilow and disco on my list. No one gets to judge your happy playlist!

Singing music is another way to lift your spirits. There is research that we connect with each other when we sing together. COVID-19 has put a damper on that for now, but keep it in mind. Singing in the church choir is good for your spirit and your autonomic state.

3. Temperature. This one is new to me. When I was firmly ensconced in the sympathetic nervous system state, I was cold much of the time. Turns out, that’s not uncommon. I have an electric throw blanket that I keep by my favorite chair. The warmth of the blanket is also heartwarming; its comfort helps us up a rung or two on the ladder.

4. Nature. No one can say exactly why, but humans are rejuvenated when in nature. It doesn’t have to be bug-filled, scary nature deep in the woods. It can just be a tree or a houseplant.

When I first moved into my condo, it felt like a hotel room. After months of living here, it still didn’t feel like home. Then I started adding plants. I now have a lot of plants, and I love them! I remember the day that I came home, unconsciously bracing for the resistance I felt at calling the condo home. I opened the door and saw all of the plants. I felt my shoulders relax, which is a sure sign that I am moving up the ladder towards the ventral vagal state.

GHF5. Art/Creative Endeavors. The feeling of being in flow when engrossed in some sort of creative activity is awesome. There is a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction for me. Somewhere I read about filling a space completely with color. It doesn’t matter how. I picked a large index card and had fun filling it with color. Here is one of my creations. It doesn’t have to be great art to help you feel great.

6. Movement. Research shows that walking for 30 minutes each day is more effective than taking medication for depression. Moving helps – even the smallest bit of motion! Stretching up to the ceiling each time that you stand can be a good start.

Honestly, in the beginning of regaining my positivity, movement seemed like too big a chore. It wasn’t until I’d enacted some of the other things and had begun to see a light at the end of the tunnel that I began to move.

I am currently doing Richard Hittleman’s Yoga: 28 Day Exercise Plan from a very old book. My mom and I used to do it in the summer. I feel so much better and stronger when I do some light stretching and exercise each day.

If you are an avid exerciser, I am preaching to the choir!

7. Smells. Smells of all kinds can create strong emotional reactions. Certain aromas can bring back a flood of memories. We also know that diffusing essential oils can encourage various states of mind. If you search online for essential oils that create a peaceful feeling, several come up over and over again. Ylang ylang, spearmint, and orange are just a few. I am a fan of Sacred Frankincense. It’s fun to sniff and blend to find a combo that relaxes your shoulders and makes you feel lighter.

8. Connection. I have saved the most powerful action for last. In order to reach and maintain the ventral vagal state, we need to feel a nurturing connection with others. Dana writes, “The autonomic nervous systems of two individuals find sanctuary in a co-created experience of connection.” Wow. Sanctuary. That is powerful.

I will confess to resisting the idea that I need others to create happiness for myself. Certainly, I enjoy my family and friends but didn’t think of them as an absolute necessity for my own sense of well-being. Well, biology has proven me wrong, and I accept it. Mostly because I intentionally reached out to others when I was feeling very low and, as a result, feel much better.

a. Circle of friends. One day my sister was talking about her friends and how she saw them in three circles. The closest circle are friends who live near her whom she sees often. The next circle is people she cares about, but who are more distant – geographically or emotionally. The third circle is mostly acquaintances. Then there are other people outside her three circles that she knows.

I decided to do that exercise on a piece of paper. I encourage you to do the same. I did mine a little differently. I started with all the friends who live near me, people that I can visit. In the second circle I put close friends who don’t live near me. They are people I talk with often. The third circle is people I care about, but who I don’t see or talk with regularly. Everyone else is out there beyond my circles.

Then I started revising my lists. I only have about three people who are close friends who live near me. They went into their own inner circle. The rest of the geographically close people are ones who I want to nurture a closer friendship with.

In addition to being nurturing, a relationship must also be reciprocal in order to help us maintain the ventral vagal state. One of us may need more support for a time, and then the other. However, overall our relationship is balanced if we have reciprocity.

Look at the people in your circles. Does the relationship include heartfelt listening and responding? Is it balanced? Do you feel a nurturing sense of connection with this person? If the answer is no to any of these questions, chances are pretty good that they are not helping you maintain the ventral vagal state. Don’t depend on them for that.

If the answer is yes to all of them, reach out and connect with that person more often. Make time with them a priority. Your emotional state depends on it.

After I created my list, I got on the phone and made social-distance dates with two friends that I hadn’t seen in person for a while. Both were outside in nature – bonus. We sat six to eight feet from each other and had a great time chatting. I’ve kept up contacting people, and I cannot adequately describe how I feel now compared to how I was. My outlook is more positive, and I have more energy. People can help. Who knew?

b. Meet them where they are. It’s important to know that anyone stuck in either of the lower two states is missing a big chunk of their adult-thinking ability. In the ventral vagal state we are open-minded, creative, and capable of compassion and self-compassion. Those things are biologically unavailable to someone stuck in fight-or-flight. Once again – wow. It explains a lot of the behavior that we have been seeing since the pandemic started. Fear keeps us from listening fully and thinking clearly. Whether it’s someone in your circles or not, maintain some reasonable expectations if they are stuck in the sympathetic nervous system state.

c. Establish psychological safety. Every time that we have an interaction with someone, we ask, “Is it safe to engage with this person in this moment in this place?” We are asking if we feel psychologically safe. Anyone hanging out with me for any length of time knows that psychological safety is one of my favorite soapboxes. You can read a lot about psychological safety in my blogs.

Essentially, we want to tell others with our facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and consistent, reasonable actions that we are safe to talk with and reliable.

d. Be the help. The balance that we are looking for when our ventral vagal system is in charge is called homeostasis. In order to achieve and maintain homeostasis, we need the help of others. Once we have managed to make a ventral vagal state our home base, we can help others achieve it. Our regulated autonomic nervous system can help others regulate theirs. It sounds cold and sciency, but it really means listening in a heartfelt way that supports others as they climb the autonomic nervous state ladder one rung at a time.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Stress and Polyvagal Theory (Part 1)

12 Tuesday May 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #learning, #polyvagaltheory, #stress

angry old woman 1K px

I was recently talking to a friend who is also a coach. I said to her, “I think I just need to accept the fact that I am an angry old woman. I am angry all the time!”

Her response was, “Me, too!”

I know enough to be leery of my own self-assessments, but I also know that my friend is not normally an angry person. I started listening to how other people were feeling. Many friends and acquaintances talked about not sleeping well and being short-tempered. Others felt panicky or depressed. It wasn’t just me!

Of course, the obvious answer is that we are all under a lot of stress during a pandemic. Duh! The bigger question is “what can we do about it”? Before we can come up with an action plan, we need a useful way to look at stress and its effects on our bodies.

As is often the case, I found the answer on my bookshelf. It’s not unusual for me to order books on a topic and have them sit on the shelf for a while. Then, suddenly I will want the information in them. Sitting on my shelf this time were two books on polyvagal theory.

Don’t run off! When I say “polyvagal theory,” people’s eyes glaze over, and they check out on me. Please don’t. The topic sounds dry and boring, but it gives us handles that we can use to move around and examine our pandemic stress.

I am going to un-science polyvagal theory a bit. If you are familiar with it, don’t mess with me for simplifying it. It’s important to me to make it useful. Here goes.

Part of our nervous system works on its own to regulate our basic bodily functions, like heartbeat, breath, and digestion. It’s called our autonomic nervous system. Our autonomic nervous system operates in three basic states.

When we are depressed, hopeless, or without energy, we are in the dorsal vagal state. Think of it as down in a hole. The world looks bleak, and we disassociate from other people when we are down in the hole.

When we are frightened or angry, our sympathetic nervous system has taken over. Most of us know it as the “fight or flight” state. We are on high alert, anxious, and expending a lot of energy. We are also angry a lot of the time about almost anything. I think of it as Superman on High Alert, looking for danger and bad guys.

Of course, neither of those is the state that we want to be in. We want to be peaceful and feel empathy. We want to be engaged and passionate while acting with compassion towards ourselves and others. That highest state is the ventral vagal state. Think “V” for victory. When we are in the ventral vagal state, we are more creative and open-minded.

autonomic state ladder

In one book that I read called The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy, author Deb Dana uses a ladder to visualize the three states. I like her metaphor and highly recommend her book if you want to learn more about polyvagal theory.

So here is a ladder with the three states. We move up and down the ladder one rung at a time. It’s not unusual to move through the three states many times during a day. However, we want to make the ventral vagal state at the top our home base.

Staying in the ventral vagal state can be a challenge right now because of COVID-19, which has moved us all down a rung or two from where we usually hang out. Even if I am usually in a ventral vagal state, our new normal is scary and unnerving. Moving down to the sympathetic nervous or dorsal vagal state is completely understandable.

So, what can we do to move up a rung or two when we feel anxious or depressed? Dana has some great suggestions in her book, and I have already used several to help myself become less angry and more at peace. I also have a few ideas of my own. Tune in next week for a list of suggestions!

In the meantime, practice noticing what state you are in at any given moment. Awareness is the first step!

 

 


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lower the Bar

05 Tuesday May 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Tags

#LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #lowerthebar, #reasonableexpectations

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It’s unusual for a leadership coach and trainer to advocate lowering one’s standards, but these are unusual times. I talk about situational leadership in workshops all the time. As leaders, we must change our style to fit the experience of the people who we are leading and the importance of the task being done. Now I’m promoting situational standards.

I am not talking about changing our moral code. The standards that we hold for ourselves involving integrity, honesty, and transparency must not waver. I am talking about goals and expectations that we set for ourselves around achievement.

At the beginning of self-isolation, I created an ambitious list of things to accomplish both professionally and around my condo. I had categories and priorities. It was actually quite impressive! And I ignored it for the most part. I did what needed to be done, but not much more.

I beat myself up about my lack of motivation and achievement and then realized that I was truly doing the best that I could under the circumstances. I also realized that self-shaming was not helping. So, I lowered the bar on how I spent my time and how I felt.

First, I allowed myself to slow down quite a bit. Instead of maintaining a frenetic sense of achievement where I was always accomplishing something, I sat for short periods of time watching television or playing my beloved Plants vs. Zombies. I even added Sudoku to my repertoire. I still did what was necessary, but at a slower pace with more breaks. My productivity increased because I was more relaxed.

I also began with ambitious fitness goals that included using my stretchy resistance bands. I realized pretty quickly that those goals weren’t going to happen. The bands are still unstretched. So, I lowered the bar. When I stood up from working at the computer, I did five squats. When I passed through a doorway, I did 10 push-ups against the frame.

It doesn’t sound like much exercise, but even a little movement is an excellent antidote to malaise. When you start, you feel better. Then you can take on bigger goals. Now I’m incorporating yoga into my daily routine.

I am also talking about giving ourselves a break in maintaining our professional, calm demeanor. Of course, we never want to lose our cool, but these are some stressful times that challenge us physiologically (which we will discuss next week). When we feel that we are about to say or do something that could damage a relationship, it’s okay to call for a break or take a walk. We leaders are humans, with limits that are lower in stressful times.

If we do say or do something that we regret, it’s important to acknowledge it, apologize, and revisit the discussion in a calmer way. It’s best to apologize immediately and ask for a break, but if that’s not possible for you, those steps can be taken after stepping away and calming down.

Of course, all of this applies at home, as well. Right now, we are spending an inordinate amount of time with family. It’s natural to get on one another’s nerves. Add on the stressful feelings we all have about the pandemic, and we have created a volatile emotional cocktail. I can only imagine the added stress of homeschooling. I did homeschool my boys for a few years and know the work it involves under normal circumstances. I feel great empathy for parents. You can do this!

Our world is already different, and great leaders change as needed. We will come out on the other side as transformed as our society. None of us knows exactly what that will look like, but it’s important to give ourselves a break during the transition.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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