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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: September 2018

Coaching a Bad Attitude (part 1)

25 Tuesday Sep 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

#coachingabadattitude, #Communication, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays

feedback 1 checklist 500 px cropped

Most, if not all, of my coaching clients face the challenge of an employee with a bad attitude. One person with a bad attitude can have an enormous negative impact on a team or group. It’s amazing how much trouble one person can create if they are hell-bent on constant complaining and criticism.

Many times, the complainers are darn good employees. They are knowledgeable and competent at their jobs. They are usually productive, and if it wasn’t for the attitude, they would be considered star performers.

These negative stars usually know that they are good and that the organization relies on them. In many instances, they consider themselves untouchable because of their value and knowledge. Let me assure both them and their leaders that they are expendable.

First, if you are a leader, and one person holds the keys to the kingdom in terms of organizational knowledge and power, change the situation. It’s not healthy. An organization must be able to function smoothly if something happens to one employee. Anyone one of us could be hit by a bus!

There should be a very detailed job description for each employee, including the leader. This description is like a manual that outlines the employee’s daily, weekly, monthly and yearly responsibilities. It would read like a checklist with descriptions. If I unexpectedly didn’t make it to work for a week, someone else would be able to pick up the job description manual and have a pretty good idea of what needs to be done.

Yes, creating these manuals is tedious and time-consuming, but well worth the effort. In addition to insurance that necessary things will get done should someone not show up, the manual adds needed transparency. As leaders, we have a very clear picture of how each employee spends his or her time, which allows us to ensure that the actions are ones that truly help the organization move forward with its mission.

The first step to dealing with an employee who has a negative attitude is to make sure the employee is not indispensable. Share the knowledge with detailed job descriptions, and cross-train as much as possible!

We will talk about how to coach a person with a negative attitude next time.


For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

Facing a Turtle Hurricane

18 Tuesday Sep 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Positivity, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#facingtheunknown, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #turtlehurricane

turtle 550 px

I have intended to write my blog for this week all day. Admittedly, I’ve been shoulding on myself. In my defense, I am in North Carolina, in the path of Florence. By the time you read this, the unknown will be known, and most of the event will be over.

However, right now I am tapping my foot and waiting on Florence. Someone on Facebook said that waiting for a hurricane is like being stalked by a turtle for four days. I so get that! I know that there is devastation out there, and I am on the edge of the band that could get 12-18” of rain and 60-80 MPH winds. I’ve determined that the waiting and the unknown are a huge distraction!

I began to think about what part of the situation is getting me agitated. I am not being urged to evacuate. I have water, food, candles, and flashlights. My iPad, iPhone, computer, and Kindle are fully charged. I am ready and am not worried about losing some electricity.

When I face a situation that I want to figure out, I start with the things that I know. I know that I am probably going to lose electricity. I know that it is going to rain a bunch. I know that it is going to get really windy. I am okay with all of those. I’ve faced rain, wind, and a lack of electricity many times. It’s familiar, and because I’ve done it before, I feel sure that I can do it again.

Then I move to what I don’t know. I am in my new condo, and I’ve never been through a big storm here. I am pretty sure that I don’t have leaks anywhere, but I don’t know for sure. I have not seen how water flows around my condo during a storm. My little condo and I have not survived a storm together, and I am not completely confident about its performance.

A lack of trust when facing a new situation or working with a new person is completely normal. We feel uncertain until we’ve had a chance to see everyone and everything in action. Trust isn’t given automatically; it’s earned. Once I’ve weathered this big storm in my condo, I will feel better about the next storm.

I also don’t know what to expect with 60 MPH winds. Will the roof blow off? Will all the trees fall? Is my beloved Honda Pilot named Amber in danger as she sits out in the open in front of my condo? Should I move her up the hill? Once the deluge starts, will it be too late? Once again, I will know the answer to all of those questions in the next 48 hours and be more comfortable the next time a storm blows in.

So what could I do about the unknowns? I could go knock on a neighbor’s door and ask if they’ve been through a storm here before. I could go online and read about past hurricanes’ effects on NC. (That was not a great idea. Twenty-six people died in 2016 in NC during Matthew. 680,00 people were without power.) Still, I’d rather be prepared.

The other thing that is getting me more agitated is The Weather Channel. I know they are making sure that people understand the dangers. (See notes on Matthew above.) However, the doomsaying has been going on for days. I look out my window, and it is still and sunny, yet I’m anxious because the meteorologists keep scaring me!

I just heard a Weather Channel person say, “It’s only going to get worse from here.” I feel sorry for them. They have to keep talking and keep me riled up while the turtle is stalking us all. A turtle really is a great metaphor. I can hear a Weather Channel person saying, “Look right here. You can see where the turtle’s right foot has moved slightly ahead of the left foot.” Honestly, it’s tough on all of us.

Of course, I could turn the TV off. I have for several extended periods today. When it’s off, I’m afraid that I’m missing something. What if the turtle finds a jet pack? What if it starts stalking someone else? (Sorry, South Carolina!) What if the turtle’s tornadic rabbit friend catches up and passes it? What if I miss some potentially LIFESAVING piece of information? Ack!

Yes, that’s all internal dialogue that I control. And yes, I’m working on controlling it. But the waiting and unknown are getting to me.

The best thing that I did today was go over to a friend’s house and help her hang some drapes. We chatted and laughed while we stuck the hooks in the pleats and then hoisted the heavy drapes up. Of course, reaching out to others is usually a good solution for whatever is going on. Everything feels bigger and scarier when we are alone. Even connection on Facebook makes me feel better.

What’s the learning here?

1. Follow the juice. That’s a coaching phrase that I also apply in workshops. If there are energy and enthusiasm behind a subject or topic, follow it! I could not get myself motivated to write about the topic I had chosen for this week, so I changed! I followed the juice and wrote about the thing that was uppermost in my mind and having an effect on my life.

Sometimes, we just have to do things that we don’t want to do. However, we can usually modify the task and take on a part that is less distasteful. For example, I have two boxes of miscellaneous stuff left to unpack. I can’t face doing them all at once, so I take breaks from other work and put away five things. In small doses it feels like a reverse scavenger hunt. I have to figure out where each little thing goes. Everything has to have a place! There is some juice behind everything having a place.

2. Reach out. Everything is less scary and daunting if you do it with someone else. My friend and I had a great time hanging drapes yesterday. After we hung the drapes, we moved the cars in her garage to make room for some outside stuff. We got the gas grill, trash cans, and potted plants in there. It didn’t take us long, and it was fun to do together.

My mom lived with us for 10 years before she died. She and I did some awful and easy tasks together. They were always fun because she was fun. We laughed through carrying heavy furniture and putting sheets on beds. It was all better when we were together. Positive people help in every way.

3. Minimize the negative. Of course, I need to know what is going on with the weather. Florence is a threat, as are tornadoes caused by Florence. However, I don’t have to stay plugged in all day. I have alerts set up on my phone so I don’t have to get caught up in the frenzy.

In life, there are lots of people with Weather Channel syndrome. They like to dwell on the terrible things that might happen and always expect the worst. First, don’t be one of these people. Second, stay away from them.

Keep in mind that newscasters’ goal is to get you riled up and keep you that way. It makes their numbers better. Small doses of news every day is a good idea.

4. Worrying doesn’t prevent anything. I am in my second day of writing now, and Florence has been significantly downgraded for us. Winds will top at 35 MPH, and expected rain is 8-12”. It’s good to prepared for the worst, but worrying about it only exhausts a person.

5. Check in. It’s always a good idea to check in with yourself when something is bothering you. It’s a good idea to start with solid facts that are provable. Don’t allow any assumptions to sneak onto the list. “We are all going to die” is an assumption. “We are probably going to lose power” is a fact.

The next step is to catalogue the unknown. Once you have the list, what can you research and move into the factual column? Some things are just unknown, and you have to wait for the answer, but we can usually minimize the list.

Lastly, check in with your emotions. What are you feeling, and why? Awareness is a huge first step. Once we know what and why we feel a certain way, we can usually do something to improve the situation.

Sometimes it’s a values issue; we are not acting in alignment with our values. Sometimes, it’s the influence of outside negative influences. Whatever it is, we have to define it before we can deal with it.

The turtle is almost here. I am ready and calm. Really, that’s one of the great goals in life and a hallmark of a great leader.


For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

Expectation – Reality = Disappointment

11 Tuesday Sep 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#disappointment, #expectation, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays

expectation-reality

At a high school reunion almost ten years ago, one of my brilliant classmates said, “Disappointment is the difference between our expectations and reality.” Obviously, the idea has stuck with me, and I’ve been reminded of it quite a bit lately.

In workshops, I ask if anyone has had a month that went according to plan. The answer is always laughter and some groaning. Then I ask who has had a week in the last few months that went smoothly and without surprises. I get some head shakes and mumbles. Then I ask if anyone has had one day in the last six months that went exactly as they planned it. Every now and then I get a hand in the air, but it’s very rare.

Even though our days rarely go without a glitch, we expect them to go perfectly  ̶  no forgotten items, no car trouble, full milk cartons, and no last-minute requirements or changes. It’s an unrealistic expectation, and we are constantly disappointed and annoyed. We end up tossing a lot of emotional pennies at events that don’t deserve that much attention.

It’s more useful and productive to expect things to go wrong. I don’t mean we should adopt an Eeyore attitude of doom and gloom; it’s not healthy to expect everything to go wrong. We are looking for a healthy balance. If we spill something on a shirt, we can take a breath and recognize it as today’s glitch – not a super annoying personal attack. Accidents and mistakes are okay and normal.

Keeping things in perspective can help in most situations. For example, I am currently moving into a condo. I never planned to live in a condo at this stage in my life. Reality is less than my lifelong expectations, and I’m mad about it. I am also disappointed. My resistance is causing me to use a lot more emotional pennies than is necessary.

I’ve been working to adjust my expectations. There is nothing wrong with my condo. It’s updated and cozy. It’s all the space that I need. By accepting my situation and lowering my expectations, I create more contentment and peace.

I am reminded of the Serenity Prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971):

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Our goal is to be wise enough to accept what we cannot change right now. I don’t plan to live in my little condo forever, and I am taking actions to change my situation. However, it’s the best place for me now. Accepting where I am now saves a lot of emotional energy that I can use to change those things that I can.

There is a need to maintain a balance of our expectations. I am not suggesting that we lower our expectations so far down that we are never disappointed because that would also diminish our drive to set stretch goals and challenge ourselves.

When leading others, wisdom and realistic expectations are essential. I’ve watched a plant manager have a meltdown and yell at an employee because a piece of machinery broke down. First, it wasn’t the employee’s fault. Second, machines break sometimes – even with proper maintenance. Third, being outraged at a glitch and the people dealing with it damages the relationships. Great leaders create positive relationships.

It’s way more productive to expect bad things to happen now and again. It’s better to think, “Well, here’s today’s mess. How can we clean it up?” Spend the emotional pennies on solving the problem, not being outraged that it’s messing with your plans and not meeting your expectation of a perfect day.

Serenity, courage, and wisdom can carry us a long way towards having a good day. Maybe not a perfect day, but a good one. It’s all in how we manage our expectations.


For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

 

Ask More Than Tell

04 Tuesday Sep 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Tags

#askmorethantell, #Communication, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays

Ask more than tell 550 px

Most great leaders have a lot of experience and knowledge. They have figured out the best ways to do certain things, and they want to share that information with others because they want to help them. Those are good intentions but not always great leadership.

Our goal is to help other people to become great leaders, too. We don’t accomplish that by telling everyone how to do everything. They need to develop problem-solving abilities, try out solutions, and learn how to adjust when things don’t go as planned. Our job is to make that process as painless as possible.

In my leadership workshops on coaching employees, the participants practice by coaching each other on a real-life topic. I give the people being coached an index card and have them write “telling” on one end of it. Whenever the person coaching starts to “tell” rather than “ask,” they hold up the card.

I know from watching this exercise for more than a decade that it’s really, really difficult to ask more than tell. The telling cards get flashed pretty often. The people coaching struggle to come up with open-ended questions and often end up telling the other person what he or she needs to do to solve the issue.

We help by asking questions. Instead of immediately launching into a lecture about the right way to do a task, we want to ask some questions that will guide the person through some analysis.

Here are some possible questions to ask:

  • What do you see as the biggest challenge?
  • Have you ever faced anything like this before?
  • What would be the ideal outcome?
  • What do you think is the best way to proceed?
  •  What other factors do we need to take into account?

We become better at asking questions by practicing. One way to begin is to commit to asking at least three questions before offering any suggestions or advice. This structure helps us to get out of the habit of sending solutions immediately.

Asking three questions is a good thing to do in personal relationships, as well. One client transformed his relationship with his family by using this simple exercise.

As much as possible, we want to let people do things their way! It creates a sense of ownership, and the learning is much greater than if they are just following steps that we outline. It also increases the positivity of our relationships. The ability to create positive relationships is one of the hallmarks of great leadership.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

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