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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Monthly Archives: December 2019

New Year’s Eve

31 Tuesday Dec 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Fresh Start, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Tags

#2020strategy, #goals, #IntentionalChangeTheory, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #visualization, #whatworked

2020 kids rockets 1K px

Today is New Year’s Eve. It’s a day when we have one foot in the past and one foot in the future. Although I advocate living in the moment as much as possible, we can gain some insights and direction by spending some time looking at our feet.

Let’s start with the past. There are several questions that we can ask ourselves.

1. What did you enjoy doing this year? If we know the specific activities that we liked doing, we can intentionally plan experiences in 2020 that bring us joy.

For example, I enjoyed the various craft activities that I did. I made a glass egg, threw a pot, and made one of those super chunky blankets. They were all classes that I did with a friend. I will schedule a few of those types of classes in 2020.

I very much enjoy spending time with my children and their families. I adore each and every one of them. I want to be sure and schedule trips to see them all in 2020.

Lastly, I am one of the most fortunate people on the planet because I love what I do! I love standing up in front of groups and talking about leadership concepts with them. I always enjoy honing my skills and will schedule some professional development classes during the year. Maybe I will join Toastmasters!

2. What is your biggest regret in 2019? I’m not into wallowing or wishing things had turned out differently. However, knowing what we did or didn’t do that caused us to feel bad can help us avoid repeating that particular regret. It’s important to focus only on actions that we have control over. I might regret not getting a gig, but I didn’t have control over that. Now, if I regret not preparing for my interview for the job properly, that’s something that I can analyze and figure out how to do better next time.

3. What did you really hate about your days in 2019? This one is tricky. Sometimes we have to do things that we don’t really enjoy. For me, that’s fixing food. I don’t like cooking, and I haven’t figured out a way to get rid of that task because I also like eating fresh, clean food. For now, I power through fixing healthy, healing meals.

I also dislike cleaning the bathroom, and I’ve already handed that task off. I redid my budget so that I could afford a cleaning team every other week.

It’s trickier if you hate things about your work, but useful to chronicle them. If I know what I dislike about my workday, I can try to do less of that – but now always. However, if I look for a new job in the new year, I know what things I do not want in my daily work life.

4. What are you grateful for? What people and events did you encounter for which you feel profound gratitude? Cultivating an attitude of gratitude is the foundation of a positive attitude. It’s important that we acknowledge all of the gifts that we’ve been given.

I have much to be grateful for! My youngest son got married in 2019 to a wonderful young woman who is now pregnant with my third grandchild. I have a contract with an organization whose people I love. I seriously enjoy working with them and am so grateful for that opportunity. I love my family. I enjoy talking with them and being with them. I am grateful for my condo that I call Xanadu. It’s a home to call my own that is cozy and filled with things I like. I am grateful for my freedom. I sleep and eat when I want. No one questions my actions or purchases or sleep patterns. I am grateful for my community of friends. I have people who care about me, and I them. I love my car! Her name is Amber, and we travel all the time together.

My list continues, and my heart warms just thinking about it. Gratitude is a powerful tool – and it feels good!

We’ve just taken the first step in Boyatzis’ Intentional Change Theory – take stock of where you are. The second step is to visualize where and who you want to be, doing what. All of the answers are in the answers to the questions that we asked ourselves.

Sometimes it helps to think about the segments of our lives, such as work, home, friends, and hobbies. We can visualize each segment in great detail and decide what would be ideal for each.

For example, for work I see myself up in front of a room of dedicated individuals who want to become the best versions of themselves. That one is really close to my current reality, so there isn’t much to change there. I did say that I wanted to do some professional development, so I need to keep that in mind.

For community, I see myself taking craft classes, going to movies, eating out, and playing games with my friends. The only thing that doesn’t happen now is playing games. Perhaps there is a game night in my future?

Now, we decide what we want to include and what we want to get rid of. We know where we are (the answers to the questions) and what we want (the visualizations). What’s left is to decide what we need to do to get from one to the other.

Take some time with this list. It’s your strategy for 2020. Start with a long list of things that you want to add. Make another list of the things you want to toss. What things do you want to change or do differently? Make sure that everything that you list is in alignment with your visualizations.

Now prioritize your list. What are the most important things for you to do or not do? The important things can usually be separated into short- and long-term goals.

A few of the things on my shortlist include finishing the book that I’ve started, creating structured time to spend with family, incorporating some type of daily exercise, and starting a game night. I use my 2020 calendar for planning.

For example, I have lots of commitments for the first part of the year. I won’t be starting my book until July, so I put it in my list of goals for July in my calendar.

I don’t like to do the same type of exercise every day, and my stamina is a bit unpredictable. The best I can do is schedule a time each day and commit to doing something physical during that time.

I will need to decide how often I want to have game night and coordinate with my friends. I also want to plan a big family vacation in 2021. I will work out a savings plan and coordinate the time in 2020.

You get the idea. Some actions are daily, and some are long-term. To move our lives forward, we need both. We create the life that we want in bits by deciding what’s important to us and taking intentional actions.

One last note: Stuff happens. Things we don’t plan for get in the way. Sometimes we have to let go of one plan and create a new one. That sounds easier than it is, but it is necessary. Continuing to hold onto a vision that cannot happen is not productive. Let it go, and move on.

The last step of Intentional Change Theory is to get support. We are more likely to achieve our goals if we tell others about them. We increase our chances again when we enlist their aid.

Remember the power in the Magic Wand of Destiny. With determination and a clear direction, we can get just about anywhere and achieve lots of cool stuff. Good stuff.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Anticipation of Eves

24 Tuesday Dec 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Uncategorized

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Tags

#eves, #expectations, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays

anticipation of eves 1K px

Today is Christmas Eve. The day before a major event is always filled with all kinds of emotions. There can be joyful anticipation and a sense of impending doom. It all depends on our expectations for the next day. It can feel like the eve of battle.

Expectations can be a tricky thing. First, they are totally made up in our own heads. The day itself just is. Aunt Joan may or may not say every little inappropriate thing that passes through her consciousness. Small children will be filled with excitement that will present itself in adorable and annoying ways. Those things are just facts. We add the emotional charge to them. However, we don’t have to.

If you are feeling a little holiday overwhelm, take a break from the crowd and review a few tools and perspectives that will help. First, remember that the chair is the chair and that you are not going to change it.

Second, you don’t have to charge a situation with emotion. Know that what other people say and do has little to do with you and your value, and everything to do with their own perspectives and ego.

Third, you don’t have to convince anyone of anything. You can give them the gift of just sitting and listening. Our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected.

Fourth, when we are fully in this moment and only paying attention to what is happening now, we don’t feel anxiety or dread. We aren’t revisiting the past or creating some weird future in our heads. We are just being present now.

Finally, we can save ourselves a lot of trouble if we just presume good intent. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, so go ahead and presume that there are no hidden digs or agendas. Your life and sanity will be much calmer.

At the end of the holiday season, you will still be you! And you are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. As long as you are living in alignment with your own values, accepting others as they are, and being kind, you are being your authentic, best self. There is no better gift for you or the world. Rock on!


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Silver-lining

17 Tuesday Dec 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

#holidayconversations, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #listeiningisthebestgift, #silver-lining

silver-lining 600 px

People in my immediate world, including me, have been quite sick for the past few weeks, so I’m practicing some holiday self-care and reposting a blog that will be useful in our holiday interactions.

In many of my holiday memories, there was a lot of silver-lining going on. We do it for several reasons. One is that we care about people and want to cheer them up. Another is that we aren’t comfortable talking about uncomfortable emotions. We also just don’t want to focus on “negative” stuff.

Take a breath, and dive into your holiday conversations using the examples and tools below. One of the best gifts that we can give someone is to make them feel seen and heard. It really can make all the difference in a person’s life.

May your holidays be filled with joy, peace, and understanding!

Warmly, Kathy

Brené Brown turned silver-lining into a verb in a video on sympathy vs. empathy. You can watch it [here] [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw] if you are interested. I love her discussion on silver-lining things.

When someone is upset about a situation, we want to make them feel better. It’s a natural reaction, but not always a helpful one. Sometimes we feel compelled to show them the bright side of a situation – also not really helpful. When we do that, we are silver-lining. A tip-off that we are silver-lining someone are the words “At least.”

For example, let’s say that I am expressing frustration about not getting a gig after spending a lot of time on writing a proposal. The people listening want to cheer me up and make me feel better. They might say, “Well, at least you still have your health” or “At least you still have that other job that you are working on.” Both true perhaps, but the statements are not going to improve the situation or make me feel better.

After I watched Brown’s video, I started noticing a lot of silver-lining going on. A friend and fellow coach with a soft and nurturing heart who doesn’t like to see people suffering was the first person I noticed. She called me when I was seven hours into an eight-and-a-half hour drive. She asked me how much further I had to go, and I told her. Her answer was, “At least you only have an hour and a half to go.”

I felt like smacking her upside the head. I wouldn’t ever, but I felt like it. Her statement made me angry. The point was that I had an entire hour and a half of torture left! I was tired, and my back hurt. I was bored and felt like I couldn’t take another moment in the car. Her silver-lining had totally dismissed my feelings and situation. Her statement had the exact opposite effect of what she intended.

My friend was the first person who I thought of and noticed, but I should have seen myself first because I am also guilty of silver-lining! I am a champion at silver-lining, especially with my children. They complain or share a frustration, and I want to show them that things are not that bad. I will say something like, “At least you have friends you enjoy at work” or “At least you have a car that runs.” Ack! I’m working to never silver-lining them again.

I noticed silver-lining again in a leadership workshop. We were talking about communication toxins. Small groups were creating skits to show each toxin and an antidote for each. Communication toxins are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, in case you are curious. They come from John Gottman’s research on couples.

I heard a lot of “At least” when they were creating their skits. We stopped and talked about better ways to deal with the toxins and, in general, situations when people were feeling some negative emotions.

The first step is to identify and acknowledge the feeling that the person is experiencing. Susan David, author of Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life, advocates facing all of our feelings, even the uncomfortable ones. Before we can face them, though, we have to name them.

In coaching, after naming an emotion, we normalize it. It’s important for all of us to be reminded that it’s normal and acceptable to feel some of what are termed “negative” emotions. In truth, emotions are just emotions. They are not inherently good or bad, positive or negative. Our emotions are natural reactions to events.

Now, we can control our emotional reactions to some degree, but that’s a different conversation. Now we are just naming and normalizing. Remember that silver-lining does not help someone reframe a situation or feel better; it’s not the solution.

Let’s go back to my road trip example. I sigh and say I have an hour and a half to go of an eight-hour drive. One good response could be, “That is a really long drive. I bet you are tired.” I might respond with something like, “I am tired! My back is sore, and I am so bored that I can’t stand it.”

At this point, most of us want to send a solution like “Why don’t you listen to an audiobook?” or silver-lining the situation with “At least most of the drive is behind you.” Resist!

It’s time to normalize and help them name and accept the emotions that they are feeling. We might say, “Of course you are tired! You’ve been sitting and focusing on driving for hours!” Hearing that kind of response makes us relax because we feel seen and heard.

Naming and normalizing emotions can also open the door to furthering the conversation. Once I feel that someone is listening and empathizing, I might say, “Long drives are terrible – and my children live so far away.” I’ve shared something else that is troubling my mind as I drive hour after hour.

Once again we are presented with the temptation to do some silver-lining because we want to make people feel better. We don’t want to say, “At least you get to see them every few months.” Instead, we want to name and normalize again by saying something like “It is frustrating that they aren’t closer to you.” No solutions or silver-lining – only listening and empathizing.

When we silver-lining people, we create resistance and an adversarial conversation. They feel compelled to defend the emotions that they are feeling. They don’t feel listened to or understood. Remember my gut reaction when my friend said, “At least you only have an hour and a half left.” I was immediately angry.

When we acknowledge the feelings and listen, we let people know that their feelings are valid and normal. We also let them know that we value them enough to really listen to them in order to understand what they are feeling. Our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. When we meet those needs, we help others relax into their situations, gain some perspective, and maybe find a solution.

Or maybe they just feel better because they aren’t alone with their feelings. Empathy, rather than silver-lining, goes a long way towards creating positive relationships, which are the hallmark of great leadership and a happy life.

(And a joyous holiday season!)


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Collaborating in “The Void”

03 Tuesday Dec 2019

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

#courageandkindness, #Janeway, #leadership, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #TheVoid

Janeway 1K px

During my leadership series, I sometimes talk about a specific episode of Star Trek: Voyager called “The Void”. I am a fan of both Voyager’s Captain Janeway and Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation. They are wonderful leadership paradigms to emulate. However, I am particularly fond of “The Void” because Captain Janeway stands her ground in perilous circumstances and in opposition to her First and Second Officers.

In this episode, the ship is pulled into a large bubble in space that has absolutely nothing in it. There is a collection of ships inside the void that have been unable to escape. When a new ship is pulled in, everyone attacks it and steals food and any other useful items such as fuel. Talk about limited resources! The only necessities of life available are aboard hapless ships that are pulled into the void and that are completely unready for the attacks and thievery that they immediately encounter.

Every ship in the void is out to save itself. It makes sense. They will starve or freeze if they don’t get essentials from others. It’s an attitude that I often see in organizations and people. They feel that the only way to get ahead is at the expense of others. “Win-win” is not in their vocabulary. “I only do better if you do worse” is the underlying belief. However, there are other, better ways to get ahead.

Voyager’s food stores, fuel, and some other necessities are immediately stolen. Once they take stock of their situation, they realize that they have only a week’s worth of food to feed the crew. Janeway’s First and Second officers feel that Voyager must begin attacking smaller, weaker ships if they are to survive in the void.

However, Captain Janeway holds fast to the principles of The Federation to which they have pledged. She refuses to attack or steal. Her First Officer asks, “Should the crew be willing to die for those principles?”

Here is Captain Janeway’s response:

“If the alternative means becoming thieves and killers ourselves, then yes. But I’m betting that our principles are going to keep up alive. The Federation is based on mutual cooperation, the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Voyager can’t survive here alone, but if we form temporary alliances with other ships, maybe we can pool our resources and escape.”

It was a hard lesson for me to learn, but each of us also cannot make it on our own. We need other people’s help in times of trouble, and we need their support for a healthy emotional state. I’ve tried forging ahead on my own and also moving ahead with a community. It’s way easier with a posse.

Janeway’s officers point out that there are few reasons for anyone to join them in an alliance. She answers that they will share their food and medical supplies and will defend ships that are attacked by raiders. She is planning to give away food and medical supplies that are in very short supply. Her officers object, and I love her answer:

“Then maybe we’ll only survive two days instead of seven. On the other hand, if we share what we have instead of hoarding it, we might find other people willing to do the same. We may lose a little weight, gentlemen, but we won’t lose who we are.”

There are two interesting concepts in Janeway’s answer. The first is sticking to our principles on principle. There are often difficult circumstances that tempt us to act in a way that is not in alignment with our values. We rationalize less-than-stellar behavior to ourselves by saying that we “had” to do it because of [fill in the blank].

I often hear people say that the bad behavior of others is reason enough to lower their own behavioral standards. They ask why they should play fair and be helpful if other people aren’t doing the same.

Let me say emphatically that there is no valid reason for us to lower our standards and ignore our values. Period. To go back to a phrase we all heard in childhood, do not jump off the cliff just because all your friends are doing it.

As leaders, it’s imperative that we maintain our standards, no matter what chaos swirls around us. Hoo doggy! That can be difficult! People lie to us, try to cheat us, and advance themselves at our expense. Maintaining our standards and living our values can feel next to impossible. However, it’s imperative that we use some self-discipline and live above the fray.

We are the lighthouse of integrity for others. We hold the standards and light the way. We create trust with our predictable and reliable behavior. Exceptional leaders do not have the luxury of indulging in bad or vengeful behavior. Our goal is to be the leadership role model for others to live up to.

The second concept is generosity. Janeway says, “Maybe the best way to get help is to give it.” I couldn’t agree more. We create goodwill and a positive work environment by giving our time and ourselves to others without any hope of recompense. It can feel counterintuitive to give time or resources to someone who has negative feelings towards us, but is there any other way to change the dynamic of the relationship? Giving less isn’t going to do it.

As leaders, our job is to help others create success. We do that by helping – removing obstacles and providing resources. We must also show support and a sincere belief in the person and his or her abilities.

Voyager made it out of the void. They gave away supplies. Other ships joined them. They did turn out to be able to do more as a coordinated whole. They found help in unexpected places and had to expel those who refused to live by their rules. By combining their technology, they figured out a way to escape.

I had the TV on while I was writing this blog. I heard Cinderella’s biological mother tell Cinderella the secret to success in life. She said, “Be courageous, and be kind.” That pretty much sums up the lesson in “The Void.”

We want to be courageous and live a life that we are proud of. We want to be kind to others and create positive relationships built on mutual respect. Cinderella’s mom said that kindness created magic. Captain Janeway and I agree.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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