Tag Archives: #leadership

Collaborating in “The Void”

03 Tuesday Dec 2019

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During my leadership series, I sometimes talk about a specific episode of Star Trek: Voyager called “The Void”. I am a fan of both Voyager’s Captain Janeway and Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation. They are wonderful leadership paradigms to emulate. However, I am particularly fond of “The Void” because Captain Janeway stands her ground in perilous circumstances and in opposition to her First and Second Officers.

In this episode, the ship is pulled into a large bubble in space that has absolutely nothing in it. There is a collection of ships inside the void that have been unable to escape. When a new ship is pulled in, everyone attacks it and steals food and any other useful items such as fuel. Talk about limited resources! The only necessities of life available are aboard hapless ships that are pulled into the void and that are completely unready for the attacks and thievery that they immediately encounter.

Every ship in the void is out to save itself. It makes sense. They will starve or freeze if they don’t get essentials from others. It’s an attitude that I often see in organizations and people. They feel that the only way to get ahead is at the expense of others. “Win-win” is not in their vocabulary. “I only do better if you do worse” is the underlying belief. However, there are other, better ways to get ahead.

Voyager’s food stores, fuel, and some other necessities are immediately stolen. Once they take stock of their situation, they realize that they have only a week’s worth of food to feed the crew. Janeway’s First and Second officers feel that Voyager must begin attacking smaller, weaker ships if they are to survive in the void.

However, Captain Janeway holds fast to the principles of The Federation to which they have pledged. She refuses to attack or steal. Her First Officer asks, “Should the crew be willing to die for those principles?”

Here is Captain Janeway’s response:

“If the alternative means becoming thieves and killers ourselves, then yes. But I’m betting that our principles are going to keep up alive. The Federation is based on mutual cooperation, the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Voyager can’t survive here alone, but if we form temporary alliances with other ships, maybe we can pool our resources and escape.”

It was a hard lesson for me to learn, but each of us also cannot make it on our own. We need other people’s help in times of trouble, and we need their support for a healthy emotional state. I’ve tried forging ahead on my own and also moving ahead with a community. It’s way easier with a posse.

Janeway’s officers point out that there are few reasons for anyone to join them in an alliance. She answers that they will share their food and medical supplies and will defend ships that are attacked by raiders. She is planning to give away food and medical supplies that are in very short supply. Her officers object, and I love her answer:

“Then maybe we’ll only survive two days instead of seven. On the other hand, if we share what we have instead of hoarding it, we might find other people willing to do the same. We may lose a little weight, gentlemen, but we won’t lose who we are.”

There are two interesting concepts in Janeway’s answer. The first is sticking to our principles on principle. There are often difficult circumstances that tempt us to act in a way that is not in alignment with our values. We rationalize less-than-stellar behavior to ourselves by saying that we “had” to do it because of [fill in the blank].

I often hear people say that the bad behavior of others is reason enough to lower their own behavioral standards. They ask why they should play fair and be helpful if other people aren’t doing the same.

Let me say emphatically that there is no valid reason for us to lower our standards and ignore our values. Period. To go back to a phrase we all heard in childhood, do not jump off the cliff just because all your friends are doing it.

As leaders, it’s imperative that we maintain our standards, no matter what chaos swirls around us. Hoo doggy! That can be difficult! People lie to us, try to cheat us, and advance themselves at our expense. Maintaining our standards and living our values can feel next to impossible. However, it’s imperative that we use some self-discipline and live above the fray.

We are the lighthouse of integrity for others. We hold the standards and light the way. We create trust with our predictable and reliable behavior. Exceptional leaders do not have the luxury of indulging in bad or vengeful behavior. Our goal is to be the leadership role model for others to live up to.

The second concept is generosity. Janeway says, “Maybe the best way to get help is to give it.” I couldn’t agree more. We create goodwill and a positive work environment by giving our time and ourselves to others without any hope of recompense. It can feel counterintuitive to give time or resources to someone who has negative feelings towards us, but is there any other way to change the dynamic of the relationship? Giving less isn’t going to do it.

As leaders, our job is to help others create success. We do that by helping – removing obstacles and providing resources. We must also show support and a sincere belief in the person and his or her abilities.

Voyager made it out of the void. They gave away supplies. Other ships joined them. They did turn out to be able to do more as a coordinated whole. They found help in unexpected places and had to expel those who refused to live by their rules. By combining their technology, they figured out a way to escape.

I had the TV on while I was writing this blog. I heard Cinderella’s biological mother tell Cinderella the secret to success in life. She said, “Be courageous, and be kind.” That pretty much sums up the lesson in “The Void.”

We want to be courageous and live a life that we are proud of. We want to be kind to others and create positive relationships built on mutual respect. Cinderella’s mom said that kindness created magic. Captain Janeway and I agree.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Don’t talk to yourself like that!

26 Tuesday Nov 2019

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We all have a little voice in our head, and how it talks to us can make a huge impact on our confidence and self-esteem. Negative self-talk can be a very destructive force. There are some things that we can do to improve the ways we talk to ourselves.

Begin by asking yourself if you would talk that way to a friend. Would you say, “You are stupid and incompetent!” to someone you care about? Of course not! If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, don’t say it to yourself.

Studies have shown that talking to yourself using “you” or your name (as if talking to a friend) increases confidence and performance, and decreases anxiety. For example, instead of “I can do this!” I say, “Kathy, you can do this!” It’s an easy shift to make. No one knows exactly why this works, but it does, so let’s run with it.

Talking to ourselves as we would to a friend and using “you” and our name helps to put us in an observer role, which is another way to battle negative self-talk. In one study, psychologists had people stand in the mirror and comment on themselves. If a person said, “I am a fat blob with a jiggly belly,” the researchers would ask them to state factual information as an observer. The participant could say, “I have a round abdomen.” Observing factually leads to action more often than negative self-talk does.

Lastly, we can name our inner voice. In coaching, we call it a Gremlin, and it seems intent on sabotaging our efforts. Many times, our Gremlins are trying to keep us safe. My Gremlin might say, “Don’t put in a proposal for that job. You won’t get it, anyway.” It’s trying to save me the pain and disappointment that I would experience if I didn’t get it. I can tell my Gremlin, “Thanks! I know you are trying to save me some emotional pain and disappointment, but I’ve got this! If I don’t get it, it will be okay.”

It’s time for us to pay attention to what we say to ourselves! First, let’s stop using “I.” We can talk to ourselves as we would to a friend, in grammar and in content. Let’s also be as kind to ourselves as we are to others. Finally, let’s give our Gremlins a name and reassure them that we can handle whatever disappointments may come along.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Practicing a Systems View

19 Tuesday Nov 2019

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Two or more people together create a system. In systems coaching lingo, the relationship between two or more people is called the 3rd Entity. When dealing with a challenge or creating a strategy, it’s important to consider what is best for each member of the system, and also to consider what would be most beneficial for the 3rd Entity.

A systems view can be a difficult thing to acquire and maintain. When working with clients, I sometimes use an exercise to help them see a situation from various perspectives, including that of the 3rd Entity.

To begin, my clients pick one person with whom they have a relatively minor disagreement. For the purposes of practice, it’s a good idea to steer clear of people and situations that make us feel very emotional. We want to practice with something that is only mildly irritating.

Let’s use a completely fictional scenario as an example. Let’s say that I have a male friend who insists on paying for things every time we do something together. To do the 3rd Entity exercise, I would begin by imagining or creating a triangle on the floor. The point at the bottom left of the triangle represents me. The bottom right point represents my friend, and the top corner represents our relationship, or 3rd Entity.

I would begin by standing on my own corner and stating my perspective. I might say things like, “It feels condescending and controlling when my friend insists on paying all the time. I feel like he is creating a situation where I owe him, and I don’t like it.”

It’s imperative that we stick with “I” statements when explaining our position and views. We always want to avoid blaming. It’s important to focus on our own feelings and views. Using “I” statements in this exercise is excellent practice for real-life interactions with others.

Once we have fully aired our views and feelings, we move over to the other person’s point on the triangle. I would step over and inhabit my friend’s perspective. It’s a great way to practice empathy. Of course, I don’t really know my friend’s motivations, and to fully resolve the situation, we would have to have a conversation. However, this is just an exercise right now to help us get better at seeing different perspectives.

When standing on my friend’s point of the triangle, I might say things like, “I feel unchivalrous and guilty if I don’t pay. I was brought up to believe that a gentleman always pays for a woman’s meal if she is my guest. I also enjoy paying. It is a gift, and it makes me feel good. I like sharing my abundance with others.”

Now, I might need to step back over onto my own corner to vent a bit after that speech that I gave for my friend. I have equally strong feelings about chivalry. I might say, “Well, insisting on paying because I am a woman makes me feel that you believe I am incapable of taking care of myself – that I am incompetent or an object to be cared for, and not a human being who is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole.”

Realizing that I am having a conversation with myself while inhabiting two roles, I could allow my friend a rebuttal. I could step back over onto his point of the triangle and say, “My wanting to pay has to do with my own values and feelings, not my assessment of your competence or worth.”

We don’t have to come to an agreement in our made-up conversation. It’s just a way to practice using “I” statements for our own views and feelings and using empathy to embody another person’s views and feelings. The next part is the main point of the exercise.

Once I feel that I have fully expressed both of our points of view, I step up to the top point of the triangle and look at the situation from the perspective of the relationship. It’s the broad systems view of the 3rd Entity. The questions to answer from here are “What would be the best thing for the relationship?” and “What does the relationship need to thrive?”

Obviously, the friction and resentment created every time my friend and I go out together by his insistence to pay and my negative reaction is not good for the relationship. The relationship wants peace and needs some compromise in order to thrive. The 3rd Entity needs for each of us to put our egos aside and find a compromise that we would both find acceptable.

The first question to ask myself is whether or not I care enough about the relationship to make any compromises. At work, we must maintain relationships with others. One of the hallmarks of great leadership is the ability to create and maintain positive relationships. However, in our personal lives, we can keep or toss people at will.

Let’s say that I do want to continue this relationship. It has value to me, and I want to help it thrive. The next thing to ask myself is “What am I willing to give up in order to support the 3rd Entity?” Could I just allow my friend to pay all the time and not feel any resentment? Probably not. However, I realize the importance of paying to him and could live with him paying some of the time. Perhaps I could offer a compromise in which I pay for one big event that I really want to do every now and then. I get to plan and pay for the entire thing. It comes down to a question of how much the relationship means to me and what I might be willing to do for it.

Now, it is absolutely not healthy if only one person is concerned with the health of the 3rd Entity. If my friend refuses to budge one bit and won’t consider my comfort, value, or feelings, it might be time to end the relationship. Each and every member of a system must be willing to do things to promote its health. We, of course, have our own values to defend, but we must be willing to compromise for the good of the system.

In the workplace, if I am the director of marketing, part of my job is to advocate for the marketing department. However, I must also consider what would be best for the entire organization. It is not responsible for me to insist on creating the ideal situation for the marketing department if those circumstances don’t support the goals and values of the organization as a whole.

In the end, we must have a conversation with the other members of our system. The triangle exercise can be done with a partner. Each person stands on his or her own point and says what they think and feel using “I” statements. Then both people move up to the top point and talk about what would be best for their 3rd Entity. It’s a nice structure that can help a  conversation be more collaborative and less adversarial.

“What does our 3rd Entity need to thrive in this situation?” is always an excellent question to begin a productive conversation.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

The Motivation of Relatedness

12 Tuesday Nov 2019

Posted by in Leadership, Motivation, Uncategorized

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During my leadership series, I talk about motivation theory. Exceptional leaders must know how to motivate themselves and others. There are quite a few research theories out there and some practical advice. Motivational suggestions range from celebrating small wins to changing an organization’s culture.

For years, one of my favorite motivation theories came from Drive by Daniel Pink. He says that we are motivated by autonomy, mastery, and purpose. I still like his list, but a sense of purpose is a difficult thing for most organizations to create. For example, it’s difficult to link manning a machine that creates a part for another machine to ultimate life purpose.

I recently reread Drive and was reminded that Pink derived his three items from research done by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan. The two researchers determined that autonomy, competence, and relatedness are our basic needs that, when met, increase our feelings of motivation. Relatedness is something that organizations can influence in order to help their people feel motivated.

When we feel relatedness, we feel connected to others. We have a sense of belonging, and we feel that we matter to others. Organizations can foster feelings of being cared for and connected to others in several ways.

When onboarding new employees, assigning a buddy or mentor can help people feel connected to their new organization. In a sense, it gives them someone to sit with at lunch and to chat with.

Chatting is an underrated motivational tool. Many organizations discourage personal discussions, and they are missing the point. Our feeling of connectedness with others is fostered when we share personal information. Of course, it’s not good to chit-chat all day, but getting to know coworkers on a personal level is healthy.

I feel a need to point out that there is such a thing as oversharing at work. As leaders, it’s important that we set boundaries for conversations. Super personal information should not be shared or listened to. We have the right and obligation to say when we feel uncomfortable with a conversation.

The foundation of relatedness is caring. You can read about ways to develop a caring attitude [here.] Researchers Amy Cuddy, Matthew Kohut and John Neffinger have discovered that 90% of our impression of a leader consists of our evaluation of their warmth and strength. They suggest that leaders begin with warmth because it helps to build influence.

In a Harvard Business Review article titled “Connect, Then Lead”, they wrote, “Prioritizing warmth helps you connect immediately with those around you, demonstrating that you hear them, understand them, and can be trusted by them.” In other words, demonstrating that you care about them – their ideas, feelings, and concerns.

(I can’t resist pointing out that focusing on warmth also fosters psychological safety, which we know is the secret sauce for exceptional teams.)

When using Deci and Ryan’s motivation theory, we might not be able to give a lot of autonomy. We can always ensure that employees gain mastery over their tasks. We also can let employees know how their work matters. However, ensuring that employees feel connected, seen, and cared for is one of the easiest and most effective ways to help them feel motivated to do good work.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Create Your Bubble

13 Tuesday Dec 2016

Posted by in Leadership, Thriving Through the Holidays, Uncategorized

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Thriving Through the Holidays

Yay! We made it through Thanksgiving! We don’t have to just survive the holidays. There are skills and perspectives that can help us sail through the holidays with ease and enjoyment. Survival is not our goal. Thriving by creating and maintaining positive relationships and perspectives is what we want to strive for during the holiday season. It is so much more fun and motivating that just slogging through! Let’s make the holidays joyous!

 Skill 3: Create your bubble.

It’s easy to be influenced by the negativity of others. In fact, studies have proven that we tend to mimic the emotions of those around us. We have mirror neurons in our brain that fire automatically when we interact with others. If the other person is happy, then we feel happy. If he or she is angry, we feel angry. Our mirror neurons may fire, but it doesn’t mean that we are a slave to them. Despite the initial reaction triggered by our mirror neurons, we can choose our own emotions.

Sometimes it helps to visualize a shiny bubble around you that protects you from negative energy. Visualize yourself zipping up the front of the bubble if that helps you – like you are zipping yourself into a sleeping bag. You bubble is a complete barrier that allows only the good and positive inside. The negative cannot get through. There are no holes, no leaks, and no soft spots. Instead of a bubble, it can be God’s love or Universal energy that surrounds you. Visualize and describe it in your mind in a way that has meaning for you.

When Uncle Seibert starts on one of his tirades, mentally zip up your bubble around yourself. Imagine all his negative words sliding past you. None of them make it past your shiny bubble because it is impervious to negativity. It’s amazing how well this works! You get to choose whether or not you let the negativity of others affect you.

If someone is on a huge rant, I imagine a mirror between us – facing him or her. I see them complaining to themselves in the mirror. It isn’t even directed at me. I hope that they can see and hear themselves spewing toxic emotions. Sometimes they slow down when they aren’t getting a reaction. It isn’t fun to rant if you can’t get the other person riled up with you.

When my children were young, I would send them off to school with a shield. Here are the words that I would say, “I am surrounding you with God’s shield of white light, love, and truth. Nothing harmful or negative can get in, only good and positive.” You can phrase it in your own way, but it’s a nice gift to give others; even Uncle Seibert could do with a bubble of his own.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Thriving Through the Holidays: Be Here Now

29 Tuesday Nov 2016

Posted by in Leadership, Mindfulness, Thriving Through the Holidays

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Thriving Through the Holidays

Yay! We made it through Thanksgiving! We don’t have to just survive the holidays. There are skills and perspectives that can help us sail through the holidays with ease and enjoyment. Survival is not our goal. Thriving by creating and maintaining positive relationships and perspectives is what we want to strive for during the holiday season. It is so much more fun and motivating that just slogging through! Let’s make the holidays joyous!

 Skill 1: Be here now.

We spend a lot of time being frantic during the holidays. We worry about getting the decorations up, buying presents, preparing food, traveling, and interacting with our families. When we worry or stress, we are thinking about the future or the past. We remember past holidays that didn’t go according to plan. We stress about the bills to come. We dread conversations with Uncle Seibert who doesn’t share our values or world view.

The best antidote for stress and worry is to concentrate on being in the moment. When we are fully present in the now, we aren’t worrying about the past or the future. We are noticing our surroundings and embracing our feelings. We are paying close attention to the people who are with us. When we live fully in the moment, there isn’t a space for worrying about other things.

We are capable of only doing one thing at a time. Multitasking has gotten a lot of hype, and interviewers still ask job candidates if they can multitask. However, studies show that the answer to that question is no. None of us can pay attention to more than one thing at a time. We can become adept at switching between things, but there is always a loss in concentration and time when we continually switch between tasks or thoughts.

Think about it for a minute. Let’s say I sit down to write notes on Christmas cards, but then start running my to-do list through my head. In reality, I’m sitting at the table doing nothing. I’m not getting the Christmas cards done, and I’m not checking things off of my to-do list. I am doing nothing!

In order to be in the moment, we need to be confident that what we are doing is what we need and want to be doing. That takes some organization and prioritization. We need to make a list, check it twice, and then decide what three things we want to accomplish each day. Once we identify what’s important, all we have to do is buckle down and focus on getting those tasks done one at a time.

It’s good to have a to-do list for home and work. Our goal is to know that what we are doing is what we need to be doing while focusing on that task completely.

We have daily chores, too. We drive kids around, shop for groceries, and we take showers. These are prime times to worry and stress. Focusing on what’s going on in the present keeps us calm and gives our tired brains a break. Remember, showering while stressing over getting everything done isn’t helping you get everything done. Take a moment to feel the water on your skin, smell the soap, and relax your muscles in the warm water.

Focusing on the now is being mindful. Studies show that no matter what we are doing, we are happier if we are doing it mindfully – really paying attention to what is going on now. Going about our holiday activities in a mindful way will help reduce stress and increase the joy that you feel!

 

 

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 8: Getting to the Root

22 Tuesday Nov 2016

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Lessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous and didn’t result in anything with splendid color. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot sitting in the grass for a summer.

 Lesson 8: Getting to the Root

Sometimes I went out to weed in the yard as a break from other work. I wouldn’t have my sharp-pointed weeding tool or bucket. I would just roam the yard looking for random weeds.

Some weeds come out in one piece no matter what the ground conditions, but most weeds break off if you don’t use a weeding tool when the ground is dry. I watered patches I planned to weed the night before. However, on those impromptu weeding sessions, I often broke off the leafy top of the weed and left the root intact.

When you remove the top of the weed, the lawn looks good for a while, but the weed grows back. The root gets bigger, stronger, and more difficult to get out. You end up having to break the top off over and over again. I was solving the problem for the moment, but creating more work for Future Kathy.

One of my main goals in life is to set up Future Kathy for success. She is always very grateful when I do. I take time in the evening to plan the next day so Future Kathy can just sit down and get started in the morning. I try not to over-eat so Future Kathy won’t groan in agony and get fat. Breaking off the top of the weeds was making things look good, but it definitely wasn’t helping Future Kathy.

Like most things in life, you must get to the root of the problem to really fix it. Unfortunately, that takes time. To truly get rid of a weed, I had to sit down, use a sharp weeding tool, and dig down to the bottom of the root. It’s the only way to make sure that it didn’t return and that Future Kathy didn’t have to deal with it again. To get rid of other problems in life, you also have to take time to find the root cause and get rid of it.

Chronic challenges like being late, losing things, and always feeling frantic can be eliminated mostly if we dig down to the root of the problem. If you are chronically late, what creates that situation? If you can’t find your keys most mornings, put a hook on the wall and make a habit of hanging the keys there. Yes, it’s a bit of a hassle and requires some concentration. However, once it’s a habit, you will never have to look for your keys again.

Perhaps you are late because you just don’t give yourself enough time. Setting the alarm 15 minutes earlier until you can get out the door on time might be an easy solution. A “landing pad” by the door can save a lot of time. A landing pad is a place where you put everything that you need to take with you. It can have keys, papers, backpacks, etc. Instead of frantically gathering things at the last minute, we plan ahead and make a pile.

It’s impossible to know what the solution to a challenge is until you dig down, find it’s root, and get rid of the root problem. Just like weeding, it generally takes some time to deal with the root, but do it once and you will never have to deal with that particular challenge, or weed, ever again.

 

 

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Three Levels of Reality

10 Friday Apr 2015

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The “Three Levels of Reality” sounds like a great title for a Star Trek episode. However, it is a model that can improve our ability to communicate effectively, handle conflict in a positive way, and motivate others. I learned the concept during my Organization and Relationship System Coaching (ORSC) certification and was originally developed by Amy and Arnold Mindell. I discuss it in leadership seminars all the time.

The three levels are Essence, Dreaming, and Consensus Reality. Everything you see started as an idea – or a dream. Before it was a dream it was a feeling, an inkling, a potential. Essence level is feeling and experience before we articulate it. Once we start to describe it, it becomes more concrete and less accurate because the description depends on words which cannot adequately capture an experience, feeling, or potential.

Once we have named a feeling or experience, we are in Dream Level. Here’s where creativity lives. We create different possible outcomes and dream up things that we can then make real in Consensus Reality.

Consensus Reality is what we all agree is really here – chairs, sky, music, etc. Consensus Reality is what exists in our world.

In Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) terms, Extroverts have a tendency to dream out loud. Introverts, on the other hand, do their dreaming in their heads. I am an Introvert and my husband is an Extrovert. It took me a long time to realize that he doesn’t always plan to do what he talks about doing. Many times he is just articulating a dream.

For example, one day we were standing behind our brick home and he said, “Let’s just take a sledgehammer and knock out that bathroom wall. We can expand the house out here into the yard.”  Now there was a day when I would have immediately started arguing: “We don’t have the money for that right now!” or “That would be a hugely messy job and we need an architect to make sure it looks good.” I would have interpreted his dream as a call to action in Consensus Reality Level and responded with practical objections. However, I recognized that he was in Dream Level and I joined him there: “Yes, we could make the bathroom and the closet bigger.” We talked about all the great possibilities that would result from knocking down that brick wall. Recognizing and playing in Dream Level is fun – and it’s important to alert the other person if you’re thinking of grabbing a sledgehammer and moving to Consensus Reality.

In meetings it can frustrate a group to chronically stay at Dreaming Level because the group never DOES anything. If they don’t move to Consensus Reality Level, they don’t get actionable solutions. On the other hand, if a group jumps straight to Consensus Reality Level, they miss a lot of possibilities that happen in brainstorming and exploring in Dream Level. A good leader recognizes in which level the group is operating and steers them through the levels as appropriate.

Great leaders are people who can motivate others, really light a fire in other people’s souls. When leaders create a vision in a way that compels everyone to jump on board, they are operating in Essence Level. They find ways to touch the hearts of others and activate visceral feelings of hope, desire, belonging, and shared vision.

As with all powerful tools, creating feelings at the Essence Level can also be done with selfish intent. One can whip up feelings of hatred, fear and a deep need for self-protection. It behooves each of us to recognize when someone is activating a feeling in our hearts. What is the intent of the person or group that is reaching out to affect us in such a personal and powerful way? Knowing when someone is affecting you at Essence Level is an important first step to becoming an observer and figuring out what is going on.

The current day example of a group that intentionally operates in Essence Level for self-promotion is the news channels. They are excellent at activating fear, disapproval and disconnection no matter at which end of the societal spectrum they dwell. Hitler was great at reaching people at Essence Level. So was Martin Luther King. It’s a good idea to take a long look at the person or group who is trying to flick the on/off switch of your emotions. It’s important to check in to be sure that we stay in alignment with our own values and goals.

Here’s the bottom line: 1) Understanding and using the Three Levels of Reality is the hallmark of a great leader – and a despot. Powerful tools beget powerful results. As benevolent leaders, we want to use the power wisely for the good of the group. Steering a group into the different levels affects motivation, creativity and productivity. 2) Understanding the Three Levels of Reality is also a powerful shield against those who would use our emotions for their own gain. We create that shield by moving into observer mode and questioning the intent of the speaker and the alignment of her or his message with our values.

You can watch my video on this topic here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3j0Uxqxsek Same subject, a little bit different perspective.