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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Tag Archives: #humor

Coaching a Bad Attitude (part 2)

02 Tuesday Oct 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

#coachingabadattitude, #humor, #LeadershipRules #LeadYourselfFirst #KathySays, #properperspective

PEA 600 px

Last time we talked about the importance of having a job manual for every person in an organization to ensure that no one is indispensable. Many times, the person with the bad attitude is a star achiever who holds onto information tightly. We should all be replaceable and know it.

Before we start coaching someone, it’s important that we enter the dialogue with the right attitude because it creates a supportive container for the discussion. The container that we create determines the success or failure of the coaching.

As leaders, it is our job to help everyone be successful. We are not accountable for own actions alone. We can declare ourselves successes only if everyone who works for us can do the same. As we consider coaching someone, we want to remember that we aren’t trying to show them who’s boss or put that person in his or her place. We are trying to help them. A bad attitude can destroy a person’s career and damage a team’s morale. As leaders, we have an obligation to help everyone improve and perform their best, and that includes dealing with a bad attitude.

An adversarial attitude ensures that the coaching will fail. The person being coached gets defensive and doesn’t listen. The bad attitude will only increase. It creates a vicious cycle of negativity between the coach and the person being coached.

Envision the attitude problem as an object. When we have an adversarial attitude, the object is sitting on a small, square table between us and the other person. We are squaring off against each other with the problem between us. We want to move over to the other side of the table and face the object side-by-side. We want to face the problem or challenge together. This, of course, goes for all types of coaching and problem solving.

When I work with groups or people having challenges, I name the problem and then choose an object to represent it. The object can be anything – a water bottle, a piece of paper, a paperclip. I place it between them and then have us all move to one side. We all stand together shoulder-to-shoulder and look at the challenge. It’s amazing how much the personal dynamics change when we all stand together on one side of the challenge.

Being positive and helpful towards a person with a bad attitude is difficult, but effective leaders have the self-discipline to stay focused and keep the end goal in mind. Great leaders can put their egos aside and have an objective conversation without getting caught up in the negativity.

Next time we will talk about a few other things to do before the coaching session. However, the rest of the process depends on the leader bringing a positive perspective and attitude to the coaching.


For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

Psychological Safety: Final Answer (3)

15 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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Tags

#beinclusive, #Google, #humor, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #ProjectAristotle, #psychologicalsafety, relationships

female supervisor 650 px

I have been discussing my leadership list in depth, and we are up to number three. My list is a response to Google’s research on the qualities of exceptional teams, as described in Project Aristotle. Here is the list with the bullet points that I’ve discussed so far.

Kathy’s Leadership List

  1. Be present, and show that you care.
  • Focus on keeping your mind present during conversations and meetings.
  • Use good nonverbal communication to assure people that you are listening.
  • Show interest in people’s activities outside of work.
  • Maintain appropriate boundaries for personal discussions.
  1. Enforce and model respect for self and others.
  • Watch vigilantly for situations that make a person or group feel a lack of respect.
  • Talk to employees and peers about disrespectful behavior in an appropriate setting.
  • Behave scrupulously, in a way that always shows respect for others.
  • Establish Designed Alliances whenever possible so that respectful behavior is explicitly defined, expected, and required.
  1. Include others in decision-making as much as possible.
  2. Ensure individual and team goals are clear and in alignment with organizational goals.
  3. Be consistent, dependable, and positive in your actions, attitude, and mindset.
  4. Make curiosity your default.

So, let’s discuss number three.

Include others in decision-making as much as possible. People like to have control over things. I have never met a person in my trainings or coaching who wants no control over how he or she spends his or her time.

When we make unilateral decisions and tell people what they have to do, it usually results in some resentment. Maybe it makes us feel like children who don’t have a say in what happens. We definitely don’t feel that our opinions or needs are valued when our input is not considered.

Including others in the decision-making process is also a great way to create positive relationships. I believe that I’ve mentioned before that creating and maintaining positive relationships is one of the hallmarks of great leadership. There are other benefits, as well.

First, we make better decisions when we have more information. When I work with groups that are having trouble making a decision together, each person has an idea of the problem and the solution. We put everyone’s ideas, feelings, and perspectives out on the table for everyone to consider. We always come up with a better solution than any one that a person brought with them because we are working with all of the information and brainpower of the group.

Second, people have more buy-in. We don’t really get behind decisions if we didn’t have any influence at all during the deciding phase. The best way to get people motivated about a decision is to let them be a part of the process of making it. In Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, Daniel Pink points out that autonomy is one way to motivate others. We want to make others feel as in control of their time and day as possible.

If you cannot take anyone’s ideas or feelings into account, make it clear that it’s a done deal. If you just don’t want to, think again. We don’t show strength when we make decisions to look decisive. We show strength when we have enough confidence and grace to ask the opinions of others.

It’s especially important to ask for the opinions and feelings of people whom we believe will disagree with us. One, they may have some really good points that we haven’t considered. Two, we develop positive relationships when we meet someone’s personal needs, which are to be listened to, understood and respected. You will notice that the list does not include “agreed with.” Most people are happy if they feel that you have fully understood their thoughts and feelings and considered them with an open mind, even if you ultimately disagree.

Once we make a decision, it’s important to share the rationale behind it. If we didn’t take someone’s suggestion, it’s best to let them know as soon as possible and to tell them why. If there isn’t a good reason not to take someone’s suggestion, I would suggest doing it. When we are open to the influence of others, we strengthen our relationships with them.

When working with leaders, the biggest obstacle that I see to a more collaborative decision-making process is a lack of time. It is much faster to make a decision and move on. However, the resulting lack of motivation and sometimes vehement objections from people expected to implement a plan on which they had no influence will take a lot of a leader’s time. A simple conversation and a few questions can go a long way toward saving time in the long run.

Here are the bullet points to remember:

  • People like control. Great leaders give others control as much as possible. Autonomy is motivating.
  • Meeting people’s personal needs to be listened to, understood, and respected creates positive relationships.
  • We make better decisions with more information. People who don’t agree with us can have valuable information to share.
  • After making a decision, a leader should share the reasons behind the decision and their feelings about it.
  • Inclusive decision-making saves more time in the long run.

Everything on my leadership list fosters psychological safety. When we listen and value the feelings and opinions of others, we are creating the safe space needed for psychological safety.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Humor vs. Vulnerability

03 Tuesday Apr 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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Tags

#armor, #humor, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #psychologicalsafety, #vulnerability

humor vulnerability armor 550 px

As I move through life with my psychological safety-noticing glasses on, I’ve noticed a trend. These behaviors have probably been around forever, but I am looking at them with new eyes. What used to be funny is now a threat to psychological safety and the effectiveness of leaders and groups.

I first noticed in my leadership workshops that a few of the participants weren’t fully engaging in the activities. Instead of following instructions and practicing new skills, they were joking around. At first, I suspected that they were just being obnoxious. However, as I really looked at what they were doing, I realized that they were avoiding taking the risk of performing the skills incorrectly and looking silly.

In leadership workshops, we talk about the value of failure in learning. I have them sign their names with their dominant and nondominant hands to feel the difference. We are comfortable with our dominant hand, but signing with our nondominant hand is uncomfortable. We don’t do it all the time, and we aren’t good at it.

I warn participants that the uncomfortable feeling will come up as they practice new skills and that it’s OK. Actually, it’s required because if they don’t try anything new, they leave my workshop exactly as they walked in, and our time together has not been used well. Even with all that prep, some people in the group were not engaging and going all in.

Creating psychological safety so that people feel comfortable trying, and perhaps failing, is partially my responsibility as the group leader. I ensure that no one makes fun of anyone else. I call out any derogatory comments. I remind the group of the ground rules that they came up with and agreed to. I encourage and applaud them when they give something a shot. However, it’s still up to the participants to take that final leap to vulnerability, to show their true authentic selves, and to go all in on the exercises that we do to practice new skills. I was seeing a lot of joking around that was keeping them “safe.” They were using humor as armor to protect themselves

Instead of playing the role laid out in a conflict-resolution scenario, they were being funny – and they were funny! Hilarious at times, but the hilarity was keeping them and their fellow participants from experiencing the discomfort of trying and mastering new skills. Simply, they were refusing to be vulnerable.

Right after noticing the use of humor to avoid vulnerability in workshops, I noticed the behavior in a meeting that I attended. It was a weekly meeting where there was a great sense of camaraderie. The people knew and liked each other. However, when they got up to speak, they worked to get laughs from their friends. They got those laughs by making fun of each other and guests. One speaker actually got a laugh at the expense of a visiting high school student. No one else in the crowd looked fussed, and I was appalled.

By comparing my reaction to everyone else’s, I deduced that my sensitivity level around behaviors that damage psychological safety is much higher than most people’s. The comparison also let me know why psychological safety and high-performing teams are so rare; the damaging behavior didn’t register to most of the group. It was normal, acceptable behavior in their eyes. They didn’t see a thing wrong with the situation because it’s what they are used to.

It seems that the need for laughs came from a bit of insecurity when standing up in front of the group. The group’s norm included making fun of each other. The speakers must have felt vulnerable and were trying to hide it by picking on others to get a communal laugh that made them feel good and like they were part of the group. They felt the need to get armored up to ensure that they were not vulnerable.

Vulnerable. There is that word again. When you want research on vulnerability, you go to Brené Brown, a well-known author and YouTube star who talks about shame, vulnerability, and bravery. I thought that her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead was the place to start.

Brown opens the book with this quote from Theodore Roosevelt’s 1910 “Citizenship in a Republic” speech:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…”

Brown shares her reaction when she first read the quote. She thought, “This is vulnerability. Everything I’ve learned from over a decade of research on vulnerability has taught me this exact lesson. Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.”

There cannot be great victories or joy without great risk. We must put our hearts on our sleeves and fully engage in order to achieve the goals in life that matter to us. Of course, we also face the possibility of failure and maybe embarrassment, but those things aren’t fatal. They hurt for sure! However, the best of us have shoulders broad enough to carry that risk and set an example for the rest.

In Kathy’s Ideal World, we all risk failure – and great success. We go out in the arena and fully engage in life. We allow people to see what matters to us.

We also all cheer each other on from the stands through both. We create psychological safety for every person who we come in contact with by applauding their efforts and never, ever getting a laugh at their expense.

Psychological safety helps to create exceptional teams, and it requires vulnerability and bravery. Psychological safety in life requires the same, but it’s how we begin to lead exceptional lives.

Get out there, and go all in! Be vulnerable and willing to fail magnificently! I am cheering for you from the stands!


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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