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Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Tag Archives: #vulnerability

Psychological Safety: Vulnerability and Walking the Talk

10 Tuesday Apr 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Uncategorized

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Tags

#Google, #ProjectAristotle, #psychologicalsafety, #vulnerability, #WalktheTalk

walk the talk 550 px

As we have delved into the aspects of psychological safety as defined by Google’s research findings from Project Aristotle, we have determined that trusting and being trustworthy are essential. We must be willing to be vulnerable by taking risks and stating our opinions. We must also support others when they do the same. When we all feel free to share and dare, we have created psychological safety.

And – vulnerability is scary and difficult. Even before I started writing about psychological safety, I’d been working on being vulnerable. I can tell you that it takes some bravery to reveal your thoughts and feelings to others.

I started by combatting my desire to be right. It came from a youth of having any error or misstep pounced upon and ridiculed. In order to avoid harassment, I urgently and determinedly avoided being wrong. Like Fonzie, I had a challenge in saying the phrase “I was wrong” and apologizing. I feel I’ve improved, and I continue to work on it.

I did not grow up in an “I love you” household but was determined to tell my own children that I love them. I do love them with all of my heart, and it’s still awkward for me sometimes. They are grown men now, and I still hug them every chance that I get. That never feels awkward! I consider that a great personal accomplishment, even though it may not sound like a big deal to most people. I’m working on expanding my circle of people with whom I am willing to be emotionally vulnerable.

I’ve also gotten better about asking for help. To be honest, I went into that one kicking and screaming. Brain surgery in 2009 and a divorce this year both left me a mess. I couldn’t have gotten through either one without some emotional support and physical help. I don’t like asking for help, but I’m getting a lot of practice. Fortunately, I’m surrounded by wonderful people who answer the call and make it a positive experience. In fact, they have created psychological safety for me.

And the learning continues. I’m blogging about vulnerability and getting frustrated with others’ lack of bravery. Then I go to exercise class. I walk in, and the back row is completely full. No one wants to be in front of anyone else. The rest of the room is empty, but the back row is shoulder-to-shoulder. I walk to the side and start to set up in a small, inconspicuous space.

Ding, ding, ding! Hello, Kathy! I realize the cowardice of crouching on the side. I heave a sigh and move my mat to the center of the room. Walking the talk. Showing courage. Dang! I am not limber and not terribly graceful, but I am standing in the middle of the room – being awkward and vulnerable. It’s a super inconsequential setting. No one cares if I am terrible! However, it’s still difficult and great practice for being vulnerable and showing bravery.

My mom did become more warm and fuzzy later in life. As an adult, she truly made me uncomfortable when she told me that she loved me and gave me a hug. Looking back, I see that she made the intentional choice to be emotionally vulnerable. I wish that I had caught on and joined her enthusiastically before she passed away in 2001. I didn’t, so the only thing I can do now is take up her banner.

Regret is way worse than that uncomfortable feeling of being vulnerable. That’s an important point to remember. If we aren’t vulnerable, we miss all kinds of opportunities to build relationships and success. Take a deep breath, and join me front and center. It’s really not so bad.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Humor vs. Vulnerability

03 Tuesday Apr 2018

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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Tags

#armor, #humor, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst, #psychologicalsafety, #vulnerability

humor vulnerability armor 550 px

As I move through life with my psychological safety-noticing glasses on, I’ve noticed a trend. These behaviors have probably been around forever, but I am looking at them with new eyes. What used to be funny is now a threat to psychological safety and the effectiveness of leaders and groups.

I first noticed in my leadership workshops that a few of the participants weren’t fully engaging in the activities. Instead of following instructions and practicing new skills, they were joking around. At first, I suspected that they were just being obnoxious. However, as I really looked at what they were doing, I realized that they were avoiding taking the risk of performing the skills incorrectly and looking silly.

In leadership workshops, we talk about the value of failure in learning. I have them sign their names with their dominant and nondominant hands to feel the difference. We are comfortable with our dominant hand, but signing with our nondominant hand is uncomfortable. We don’t do it all the time, and we aren’t good at it.

I warn participants that the uncomfortable feeling will come up as they practice new skills and that it’s OK. Actually, it’s required because if they don’t try anything new, they leave my workshop exactly as they walked in, and our time together has not been used well. Even with all that prep, some people in the group were not engaging and going all in.

Creating psychological safety so that people feel comfortable trying, and perhaps failing, is partially my responsibility as the group leader. I ensure that no one makes fun of anyone else. I call out any derogatory comments. I remind the group of the ground rules that they came up with and agreed to. I encourage and applaud them when they give something a shot. However, it’s still up to the participants to take that final leap to vulnerability, to show their true authentic selves, and to go all in on the exercises that we do to practice new skills. I was seeing a lot of joking around that was keeping them “safe.” They were using humor as armor to protect themselves

Instead of playing the role laid out in a conflict-resolution scenario, they were being funny – and they were funny! Hilarious at times, but the hilarity was keeping them and their fellow participants from experiencing the discomfort of trying and mastering new skills. Simply, they were refusing to be vulnerable.

Right after noticing the use of humor to avoid vulnerability in workshops, I noticed the behavior in a meeting that I attended. It was a weekly meeting where there was a great sense of camaraderie. The people knew and liked each other. However, when they got up to speak, they worked to get laughs from their friends. They got those laughs by making fun of each other and guests. One speaker actually got a laugh at the expense of a visiting high school student. No one else in the crowd looked fussed, and I was appalled.

By comparing my reaction to everyone else’s, I deduced that my sensitivity level around behaviors that damage psychological safety is much higher than most people’s. The comparison also let me know why psychological safety and high-performing teams are so rare; the damaging behavior didn’t register to most of the group. It was normal, acceptable behavior in their eyes. They didn’t see a thing wrong with the situation because it’s what they are used to.

It seems that the need for laughs came from a bit of insecurity when standing up in front of the group. The group’s norm included making fun of each other. The speakers must have felt vulnerable and were trying to hide it by picking on others to get a communal laugh that made them feel good and like they were part of the group. They felt the need to get armored up to ensure that they were not vulnerable.

Vulnerable. There is that word again. When you want research on vulnerability, you go to Brené Brown, a well-known author and YouTube star who talks about shame, vulnerability, and bravery. I thought that her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead was the place to start.

Brown opens the book with this quote from Theodore Roosevelt’s 1910 “Citizenship in a Republic” speech:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…”

Brown shares her reaction when she first read the quote. She thought, “This is vulnerability. Everything I’ve learned from over a decade of research on vulnerability has taught me this exact lesson. Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.”

There cannot be great victories or joy without great risk. We must put our hearts on our sleeves and fully engage in order to achieve the goals in life that matter to us. Of course, we also face the possibility of failure and maybe embarrassment, but those things aren’t fatal. They hurt for sure! However, the best of us have shoulders broad enough to carry that risk and set an example for the rest.

In Kathy’s Ideal World, we all risk failure – and great success. We go out in the arena and fully engage in life. We allow people to see what matters to us.

We also all cheer each other on from the stands through both. We create psychological safety for every person who we come in contact with by applauding their efforts and never, ever getting a laugh at their expense.

Psychological safety helps to create exceptional teams, and it requires vulnerability and bravery. Psychological safety in life requires the same, but it’s how we begin to lead exceptional lives.

Get out there, and go all in! Be vulnerable and willing to fail magnificently! I am cheering for you from the stands!


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Summer Fun: Silly Bravery

04 Tuesday Jul 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Summer Fun, Uncategorized

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Tags

#bravery, #silly, #SummerFun, #trust, #vulnerability

grandma and grandpa Cowan

Full disclosure: These are my grandparents. Parents of the woman who used to open our back door and yell out to the neighborhood, “Kathy is a nu-ut!” Ah, family. Mom was a hoot!

Some of my best memories are of times when I was being silly. The really good ones are when someone else was being silly with me. When I was around 9, my father skipped from the car to the movie theater with me. It was an unusual and delightful event that has stuck with me for years.

When I was in high school, my best friend and I skipped through the halls together. Not very dignified, but it was a lot of fun – and it wasn’t really skipping. We were doing the skip/dance from The Wizard of Oz. It’s not an easy jig! You should try it sometime.

I skipped recently when a friend visited from California. One of her commitments from #52Dares was to skip in public. We linked arms and skipped from my front door to her car. (You can sign up at 52dares.com for a weekly email with some fun challenges. My friend Erin Dullea is the creator, and she is a genius at creating challenges that you want to do – like skipping.)

When my husband and I were first married, we did the upside-down face thing. You hang your head off the bed so that your face is upside-down. Then you frown and show your bottom teeth, and it looks like you are smiling! When the upside-down person talks, it is hilarious. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, search for “chin face” images online.) We did not have children at the time. No excuses – just silliness.

kst towel crown

Here is a picture of me with my children when they were small. I have no idea what we were doing, but I believe it might have had something to do with superheroes since I am wearing a cape. Although, that could be a towel crown and royal baby blanket robe. I will have to ask the boys, who are now men, if they remember. I have lots of fond memories of silly times with them.

The one thing that all of this silliness has in common is bravery. Most of the time, we don’t want to draw attention to ourselves. In my mind, that leads to living small lives. We should skip if we want to and not worry about what other people think! There will always be naysayers and scowlers. I can tell you that we got a lot of “how childish” looks when we skipped through the halls of our high school – and we didn’t care!

Our hearts were light, and we were laughing. My friend and I would mess up our steps and have to start over. Sometimes we sang, “We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.” Just thinking about it makes me feel happy and light.

It also takes bravery because we make ourselves vulnerable when we are silly. We are opening ourselves up to potshots and disapproval. When we are silly, we trust. We build trust and strengthen relationships when we are silly with someone else, and they are silly with us.

Our first summer assignment is to be silly! I promise that upside-down faces is a guaranteed hit, but you can do whatever you choose. Grab someone’s hand and skip to create a fun memory that will last a lifetime.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

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