Category Archives: Thriving Through the Holidays

Practice Excellent Self-Care

27 Tuesday Dec 2016

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Thriving Through the Holidays, Uncategorized

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Series: Thriving Through the Holidays

Skill 5: Practice excellent self-care.

Self-care is not selfishness. We need put the oxygen mask on ourselves before we can help others. We also need to recharge to avoid burn out. Self-care is a necessary piece of dealing with the stresses of life.

Self-care looks different for different people. For some it’s a massage or a pedicure. For other people, it is curling up for an hour with a good book. Self-care also can be meditation or exercise. Maybe a long, hot bath is what self-care looks like for you. Self-care is time spent with yourself that feels rejuvenating.

Of course, the other skills that we’ve discussed are also part of self-care. The goal is to reduce the number of things that are stressful and minimize our stressful reactions to everything. Being mindful, listening without judgment, visualizing our bubbles, and saying no are all things that can help us reduce stress and increase joy.

Many of us put the needs of everyone else ahead of our own. Let’s give ourselves permission to take care of us, too! I ask coaching clients to find a picture of themselves as a child, and to remember that the child is still there inside of them. I tell them to look at the picture of their young selves and ask questions like:

  • Would I let her stay up late all the time and eat bad food?
  • Would I say harsh things to him?
  • Would I not allow some time for this child to run and play?

We would all protect a child and do what is best for him or her. We need to feel comfortable doing the same for ourselves. Each of us has our childhood self inside who is depending on us!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

20 Tuesday Dec 2016

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Thriving Through the Holidays

Skill 4: Say no.

It’s one thing to put up with feisty family members every now and again. It’s another thing to allow truly negative people who do not share your values to be in your life. It’s about setting boundaries which can take some courage.

Generally, the people that create a need for boundaries are not people who are easy to get along with in the first place. These people tend to over-react to things, and setting boundaries is sure to elicit a loud protest in response. Be strong, firm, and calm inside your bubble. If Cousin Gilbert insists on making racist comments, ask him to stop. If he doesn’t, you have every right to leave. You can’t make him behave himself, but you can remove yourself from situations that are in direct violation of your values. Often, the rest of the group will step in and help if they see your resolve.

The same situation at work is a little different. You can’t leave work. Well, you can, but you need to plan for it. Don’t just storm out. In the meantime, there are protections in the workplace to ensure that we act respectfully toward one another. It’s your call whether you tolerate negative behaviors or not. The first step is to tell the offending person that his or her comments are inappropriate. If nothing changes, the next step is a discussion with your supervisor if you are comfortable talking to him or her. The final step is talking with someone in your Human Resources department. They know the seriousness of harassment in the workplace.

We can also say no to some of the holiday hoopla that makes us feel frantic. Are there holiday activities that you can eliminate? Are there decorations that can stay in the box this year? Are there holiday parties and cookie exchanges that you can skip? If the activity brings you joy, keep it! If the activity brings on a feeling of dread, then it’s probably one that you can get rid of this year. Don’t get caught up in the “shoulds” of the holiday season. Do it if you want. Don’t do it if it doesn’t appeal to you.

It’s important to know that you can say no to people, activities, and behaviors. We all have a right to live a life free of harassment and insult. The world is a brighter place when we remove people who aggressively disrespect our values. We also have the right to do only the things that bring us joy. Simplifying the holidays by saying no can be very freeing!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Create Your Bubble

13 Tuesday Dec 2016

Posted by in Leadership, Thriving Through the Holidays, Uncategorized

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Thriving Through the Holidays

Yay! We made it through Thanksgiving! We don’t have to just survive the holidays. There are skills and perspectives that can help us sail through the holidays with ease and enjoyment. Survival is not our goal. Thriving by creating and maintaining positive relationships and perspectives is what we want to strive for during the holiday season. It is so much more fun and motivating that just slogging through! Let’s make the holidays joyous!

 Skill 3: Create your bubble.

It’s easy to be influenced by the negativity of others. In fact, studies have proven that we tend to mimic the emotions of those around us. We have mirror neurons in our brain that fire automatically when we interact with others. If the other person is happy, then we feel happy. If he or she is angry, we feel angry. Our mirror neurons may fire, but it doesn’t mean that we are a slave to them. Despite the initial reaction triggered by our mirror neurons, we can choose our own emotions.

Sometimes it helps to visualize a shiny bubble around you that protects you from negative energy. Visualize yourself zipping up the front of the bubble if that helps you – like you are zipping yourself into a sleeping bag. Your bubble is a complete barrier that allows only the good and positive inside. The negative cannot get through. There are no holes, no leaks, and no soft spots. Instead of a bubble, it can be God’s love or Universal energy that surrounds you. Visualize and describe it in your mind in a way that has meaning for you.

When Uncle Seibert starts on one of his tirades, mentally zip up your bubble around yourself. Imagine all his negative words sliding past you. None of them make it past your shiny bubble because it is impervious to negativity. It’s amazing how well this works! You get to choose whether or not you let the negativity of others affect you.

If someone is on a huge rant, I imagine a mirror between us – facing him or her. I see them complaining to themselves in the mirror. It isn’t even directed at me. I hope that they can see and hear themselves spewing toxic emotions. Sometimes they slow down when they aren’t getting a reaction. It isn’t fun to rant if you can’t get the other person riled up with you.

When my children were young, I would send them off to school with a shield. Here are the words that I would say, “I am surrounding you with God’s shield of white light, love, and truth. Nothing harmful or negative can get in, only good and positive.” You can phrase it in your own way, but it’s a nice gift to give others; even Uncle Seibert could do with a bubble of his own.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Thriving Through the Holidays: Listen Without Judgment

06 Tuesday Dec 2016

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Thriving Through the Holidays

Yay! We made it through Thanksgiving! We don’t have to just survive the holidays. There are skills and perspectives that can help us sail through the holidays with ease and enjoyment. Survival is not our goal. Thriving by creating and maintaining positive relationships and perspectives is what we want to strive for during the holiday season. It is so much more fun and motivating that just slogging through! Let’s make the holidays joyous!

 Skill 2: Listen Without Judgment

Judging people, events, and things uses up a lot of emotional energy. When we judge something or someone in a negative way, we are activating powerful, negative emotions. These emotions can be even more powerful if we’ve been having them for a long time. For example, Aunt Agnes has run her mouth for years about how a woman’s place is in the home. Trigger alert! We listen, judge, attach a whole host of negative emotions, and fume. Sometimes we skip the “listen” stage and complete the rest of the sequence before she has finished intaking breath to speak. It’s all exhausting.

It’s important to accept that we are never going to change Aunt Agnes’ view of a woman’s place. Never. It’s also important to know that we aren’t going to change our minds or change who we are if we listen to her point of view. She isn’t a hypnotist or a wizard who can make us change our thinking if we don’t want to do so.

By keeping those two things in mind, we can change the dynamic of our conversations with Aunt Agnes by listening to her without judgment. First, we want to adopt a curious perspective. Let’s commit to asking her at least three questions. Why does she feel that way? What experiences has she had that influence her thinking? How is she trying to protect you in her view? Most of our internal and external critics are trying to protect us from something. It’s fascinating to figure out what those things are.

In order to have this conversation, we need to put our egos in a chair in another room. Then, we need to lock the door so they can’t come in and take over the conversation. Seriously, our egos gets in the way of truly listening without judgment all the time. It can feel insulting to hear someone say that you just don’t have the DNA to handle a difficult job or understand technology. Refer back to the fact that Aunt Agnes is not a master of mind control. She can’t hurt you. She can’t make you less than who you are. She also can’t make things true by saying them out loud. When your ego starts yelling from the other room, shout back that you got this.

A conversation with Aunt Agnes is a great opportunity to practice some conversational jiu-jitsu. We never want to meet force with force in a conversation. If someone starts yelling, it  isn’t effective for us to start yelling back. We want to stay calm and ask questions. Nothing takes the wind out of someone’s anger sails faster than calmly asking them to explain what makes this issue such a hot topic.

Our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. We create positive relationships with people when we make them feel heard and respected. We can give Aunt Agnes and everyone else that we talk to a wonderful gift this holiday season if we listen to them calmly without judgment.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Thriving Through the Holidays: Be Here Now

29 Tuesday Nov 2016

Posted by in Leadership, Mindfulness, Thriving Through the Holidays

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be-here-now

Thriving Through the Holidays

Yay! We made it through Thanksgiving! We don’t have to just survive the holidays. There are skills and perspectives that can help us sail through the holidays with ease and enjoyment. Survival is not our goal. Thriving by creating and maintaining positive relationships and perspectives is what we want to strive for during the holiday season. It is so much more fun and motivating that just slogging through! Let’s make the holidays joyous!

 Skill 1: Be here now.

We spend a lot of time being frantic during the holidays. We worry about getting the decorations up, buying presents, preparing food, traveling, and interacting with our families. When we worry or stress, we are thinking about the future or the past. We remember past holidays that didn’t go according to plan. We stress about the bills to come. We dread conversations with Uncle Seibert who doesn’t share our values or world view.

The best antidote for stress and worry is to concentrate on being in the moment. When we are fully present in the now, we aren’t worrying about the past or the future. We are noticing our surroundings and embracing our feelings. We are paying close attention to the people who are with us. When we live fully in the moment, there isn’t a space for worrying about other things.

We are capable of only doing one thing at a time. Multitasking has gotten a lot of hype, and interviewers still ask job candidates if they can multitask. However, studies show that the answer to that question is no. None of us can pay attention to more than one thing at a time. We can become adept at switching between things, but there is always a loss in concentration and time when we continually switch between tasks or thoughts.

Think about it for a minute. Let’s say I sit down to write notes on Christmas cards, but then start running my to-do list through my head. In reality, I’m sitting at the table doing nothing. I’m not getting the Christmas cards done, and I’m not checking things off of my to-do list. I am doing nothing!

In order to be in the moment, we need to be confident that what we are doing is what we need and want to be doing. That takes some organization and prioritization. We need to make a list, check it twice, and then decide what three things we want to accomplish each day. Once we identify what’s important, all we have to do is buckle down and focus on getting those tasks done one at a time.

It’s good to have a to-do list for home and work. Our goal is to know that what we are doing is what we need to be doing while focusing on that task completely.

We have daily chores, too. We drive kids around, shop for groceries, and we take showers. These are prime times to worry and stress. Focusing on what’s going on in the present keeps us calm and gives our tired brains a break. Remember, showering while stressing over getting everything done isn’t helping you get everything done. Take a moment to feel the water on your skin, smell the soap, and relax your muscles in the warm water.

Focusing on the now is being mindful. Studies show that no matter what we are doing, we are happier if we are doing it mindfully – really paying attention to what is going on now. Going about our holiday activities in a mindful way will help reduce stress and increase the joy that you feel!

 

 

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.