• About

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Tag Archives: success

Integrity and Your Golden Ruler

10 Tuesday Mar 2020

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

GoldenRuler, integrity, rationalization, success, values

Integrity meme

NOTE: This is a blog that I wrote back in 2015, but the topic has come up a lot lately.

We are happier, more confident, and more successful when we live in alignment with our values. Imagine a ruler that shows the values that are most important to you. I call mine my Golden Ruler.

Ideally, we want to hold each action that we are considering against our Golden Ruler and see if the action is in alignment with our values. For example, kindness is one of my main values. I want to be kind and be known as a kind person. However, I have a tendency to be a little snarky and sarcastic sometimes. I’m hilarious when I’m snarky, but the laugh is short-lived and I don’t feel good about the action because it’s not in alignment with my values. If I stop and ask myself, “Am I about to say something unkind?” I am measuring my possible action against my Golden Ruler. I feel better about myself and my life when my actions are in alignment with the values of my Golden Ruler.

In my leadership seminars, we talk about our values quite a bit. It’s important to know what your Golden Ruler looks like! We talk about how we want to be remembered when we are gone and what qualities we want to define us. We talk about specific examples of how we live those values. Then I ask them to tell a partner about one time when they didn’t live their values.

Without fail, everyone has to tell the story around the action. They explain why they “had” to do what they did that one time. They RATIONALIZE the behavior. That’s the red flag. If you hear yourself rationalizing a behavior, you are convincing yourself to go against your own values. You aren’t rationalizing behavior that goes against my values or your neighbor’s values, you are rationalizing to yourself in order to make it OK to violate your own values. This was a major revelation for me.

The concept really hit home for me when I was working with a particularly difficult group. This group was always late. Management did not support the training. People drifted in and out and no one really paid attention. It was the worst group I ever encountered in a decade of training in industry. When I was getting ready for one of our sessions I thought, “Why am I bothering to prepare? They are never on time. They don’t really care. There is no good reason for me to spend time prepping for them.” Wow. Then it hit me. Being prepared and professional is important to me; it’s who I am! I was letting other people’s actions and attitudes influence my actions. I was letting them influence who I was and how I showed up in the world. Scary!

The phrase I use in leadership workshops is “Rationalization is bad judgment’s best friend.” We use bad judgment when we violate our own code of conduct and make it OK by rationalizing it. Rationalizing a behavior helps us sidestep that fact that we are using bad judgment.

Acting in alignment with the values on our Golden Ruler is acting with integrity. We are doing what we feel is right no matter what the circumstances are. Integrity is a solid, constant thing that lives within us. We are happier, more fulfilled, and more successful when we remember that we have the power to choose our actions no matter what the rest of the world is doing.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Final Words of Wisdom: Take a Step

12 Tuesday Dec 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Uncategorized, Words of Wisdom

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#takeastep, #wordsofwisdom, success

take a step 550 px

So, when the world feels overwhelming and I have way too much to do, all I want to do is play Plants v. Zombies. Seriously. At those points in life, I could work all day, and my list would be just as long tomorrow as it is today. Although Plants v. Zombies is a great escape that takes my mind off of my current challenges, it isn’t really helpful – not in the long run.

We often use coping mechanisms that aren’t really helpful when we are troubled. We might drink too much alcohol or head to a mall for some therapy shopping. I am not the only one who uses video games as a distraction. Facebook and blog browsing are other ways that we get a break from the pressures of reality.

There is nothing wrong with any of these in short doses, but they aren’t useful as long-term strategies. If we never face reality or our challenges, we get stuck – and often depressed. Once we’ve been using a non-productive coping mechanism for a while, it’s even harder to get going.

First, if you are seriously stuck and depressed, talk to a professional. Get a therapist, or hire a coach. You can do both; many of my clients work with me and a therapist. In general, the therapist helps you examine and deal with the past. A coach focuses on what to do now in order to get to the future that you desire.

For run-of-the-mill funk and feeling overwhelmed, I use a simple process that gets me moving forward and makes me feel like I am accomplishing something – I take a step.

Let’s say that tax preparation is weighing heavily on my shoulders. I have to file for my business, which requires collecting, compiling, and presenting a ton of information. When faced with working on the taxes or playing Plants v. Zombies, there is no contest! However, when I finish a level of Plants v. Zombies, I’m still facing the same situation.

I tell myself that I can kill a few zombies after I’ve done one thing that will move me forward on the taxes. It doesn’t have to be a big thing like “find all your deductions.” It can be a small thing like “pull out the stack of bills from the year, and sort out the ones that you need.” I get a mental break from worry because I am focusing on the task. Also, I take a step forward, which relieves some of the tension around doing the taxes. Often, I do a few more things. It’s easier to take a few more steps once you get started.

So if you are feeling upset, worried, or overwhelmed, take a moment and figure out what is really bothering you. Then do one thing that will move you forward on that challenge. Take a step! Focus all your attention on that task. You will have gotten a break from uncomfortable feelings, AND you will gain a feeling of accomplishment, WHICH will motivate you to do more.

After all, success in life isn’t achieved all at once. It’s built one step at a time.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Intentions

24 Tuesday Jan 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Fresh Start, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#achievement, #goals, #intentions, #KathySays, #progress, #resolutions, success

engage-cropped

January Series: Fresh Start

Intentions

I’ve been reading a lot about the difference between resolutions and intentions lately. Usually the author advocates for one over the other, but I believe that they are both valuable. In addition, I’ve thought about it and determined that goals and resolutions aren’t necessarily the same things. Here’s how we can use resolutions, goals, and intentions to help us succeed.

Let’s start with resolutions. Many times, resolutions are things that we want to do. For example, I could make my New Year’s resolution “I will exercise three times a week.” It’s a resolution that goes on my To Do List.

My goal would be the reason why I want to exercise three times a week. It’s important that our goals resonate with our hearts. I talked about goals at the beginning of the month and you can read that blog here: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2017/01/03/creating-goals/.

For this example, let’s say that my goals are to maintain my weight and be able to stand up from the floor while holding my granddaughter. She was four months old when she visited for Christmas, and she weighed about 15 pounds. I’m including a lot of squats in my exercise routine!

Both resolutions and goals are useful in getting us where we want to go. Now let’s add an intention. An intention is a guideline for making decisions. I like to think of it as the ruler that we hold up to any decision to see if it is in alignment with our goals and values.

For example, my intention this year is to lead a healthy life, both emotionally and physically. Any time an opportunity presents itself, I will ask, “Will doing this make me more healthy or less healthy?” There are lots of studies that show one glass of wine is healthy for you, but I’d have a hard time getting a second glass of wine past my test!

Our intentions are what help us stay on track as we go through the year and make choices. Last year, my intention was to engage. I ordered a small silver bracelet engraved with “ENGAGE.” I am a Star Trek Next Generation fan so it had an extra fun meaning; it’s what Captain Picard says when he wants the ship to get moving.

Last year, my resolution was to get out more; my goal was to create a business and personal community; and my intention was to engage. Together, the three together helped me stay on track and achieve my goal.

I have one friend whose intention was “Create More White Space.” She was feeling a little overwhelmed, and she wanted more time to relax and to be with her family. Another friend’s intention was “Create Financial Freedom.” Each time she had a choice or opportunity, her first consideration was, “Will this move me closer to financial freedom?”

One of the great things about an intention is that it’s a short-term structure to help you move ahead on a current priority. Next year, you can pick a new one! You can pick a new one each month or every six months. An intention is just a decision helper; something to remind you of what is important to you right now and what you want to achieve.

As we finish up January, it’s important to have a clear picture of where we want to go in 2017. Use resolutions, goals, and intentions to help us get there.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lesson 4: Peaky Blinders Syndrome

25 Tuesday Oct 2016

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Lessons From The Lawn, Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

#goals, addiction, leadership, limits, PeakyBlindersSyndrome, PositiveEffectLeadership, success

front-yard-picLessons for Life and Leadership from the Lawn

I wanted to name this series “Lessons from the Garden” because it sounds nice and gardens are beautiful. However, I kill plants inside and out on a regular basis so that seemed misleading. In truth, I spent much of the summer of 2016 weeding my front yard. It wasn’t glamorous and didn’t result in anything with splendid color. I toyed with the idea of “Lessons from the Yard,” but I thought that title made it sound like I was in prison. I decided on “lawn,” and whatever you call it, I learned a lot sitting in the grass for a summer.

Lesson 4: Peaky Blinders Syndrome

During the summer, I watched a British TV series called Peaky Blinders. It’s a post-World War I story about soldiers turned gangsters in England. It is a cool, but violent, show. I am not recommending that everyone watch it, but it does illustrate an interesting concept.

The Peaky Blinders gang had elaborate schemes to make money and gain power. There are three seasons out right now and somewhere in the first season, the leader of the gang began to promise that they would go legit. He said that they would become a legal operation after this “one last job.”

Obviously they haven’t become boring, legal businessmen; the series would be over! They keep doing “one last job.” However, we all get stuck waiting for or doing “one more thing” in various aspects of our lives.

When I started working in the yard, I would head out the door with the intention of working for a certain period of time. However, I almost always stayed out longer to do “one more thing.” I was going to finish this strip or get that one patch of weeds, but then I continued to do one more strip or one more patch. I named this phenomenon Peaky Blinders Syndrome in honor of the gang that constantly is doing “one more job.”

We can become victims of Peaky Blinders Syndrome in situations when we need to set boundaries. We might think, “Well, next time that coworker puts me down, I will say something.” We don’t really want a confrontation so we put up with it one more time.

We can suffer Peaky Blinders Syndrome with our friends. We all have had a friend that takes advantage of the relationship. He or she gets us to pay or do things that we really aren’t interested in doing. Sometimes this friend talks all about themselves and doesn’t listen to us. Instead of speaking up or ending the friendship, we tell ourselves that we will deal with it next time.

The worst case scenario of Peaky Blinders Syndrome is with addictions. One more of anything beyond what we decide to consume or buy can be a problem. If we talk ourselves into one more drink or one more pair of shoes when those things aren’t in our best interests, we are stuck in a very destructive version of Peaky Blinders Syndrome.

On the grandest scale we tell ourselves that we will be happy enough or rich enough when this “one thing” happens. When it does happen, we still aren’t happy enough or rich enough, and we continue to wait for the one next thing.

We fall into Peaky Blinders Syndrome for a couple of reasons. First, we are doing something that we like, something that brings us pleasure. That isn’t all bad! It’s only a problem when we are ignoring other things we want to do or when it becomes an obsession. Sometimes I stayed out in the yard because weeding was more enjoyable than the tedious tasks that waited for me in the house.

We can also fall into Peaky Blinders Syndrome because we are avoiding a confrontation or something we don’t want to do. We tell ourselves that we will put up with the unhelpful situation or person one more time. It can be hard to stand up for yourself if you aren’t skilled or experienced at doing so.

So, ack! What’s a person to do to avoid Peaky Blinders Syndrome? First, set limits. Really draw a line in the sand and mean it. A limit can be a budget or note in your calendar. When I worked in the yard, I set an alarm on my phone.  It’s important that it’s a firm limit that you really mean!

Second, create some accountability by telling people what your limit is. You might tell a friend “I want to be out of this job in one year” or “Here is what I am going to say the next time Fred makes an inappropriate comment.” It helps to know that someone is going to ask if you are on track and not existing with Peaky Blinders Syndrome. I would tell my husband when I planned to come in the house from weeding, and if I was later than 30 minutes past my deadline, he usually would come and check on me.

Outside accountability is helpful; however, it’s important not to shift the responsibility to someone else. They are your support, not your police. It’s not their job to stand over you and make sure you do what you have said you want to do. Ultimately, the responsibility is yours.

Finally, if you find that the behavior feels compulsive or you can’t ever stand up for yourself, it’s time to get professional help. Talk to a therapist, coach, or both. There are professionals who can help you create the life that you want, a life free of Peaky Blinders Syndrome.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lessons from the Movie Groundhog Day

27 Friday Feb 2015

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Emotional Intelligence, Positivity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

caring, GroundhogDay, happiness, positiveattitude, Positivity, success

groundhog meme 2

I was reminded of two lessons when I watched Groundhog Day on Groundhog Day. I knew these two things helped to create happiness and success in life, but the main character, Phil, embodied them in such a great way that made the lessons really hit home. If you haven’t seen the movie, Phil is played by Bill Murray and his love interest, Rita, is played by Andie MacDowell. Now you can visualize them easily.

Phil is stuck in the same day, Groundhog Day. He wakes up every morning to the same Sonny and Cher song on the radio and relives the same day. He goes through the expected stages. First is disbelief; he thinks he’s going crazy. Next he uses the information about the day to his advantage. He robs an armored car. He learns everything he can about Rita and tries to use the information to get in her good graces. It doesn’t work. Phil isn’t a nice guy and he proves it in this phase. Then he becomes depressed and kills himself, and on one occasion the groundhog, in several different ways. However, no matter what he does, he keeps waking up to Sonny and Cher. I read online that someone figured out that he lived the same day for over eight years. Talk about a rut!

The things he’s been doing, which are expressions of how he has lived his life up to this point, are not creating success and happiness. Finally, Phil makes a shift. He makes two changes and I think it’s beneficial, if not absolutely necessary, to do one before the other. The first thing he did was decide to have a positive attitude. Up to this point, he has interacted with the same people and had basically the same conversations for eight years, and none of them were pleasant.

Once Phil changes his attitude people feel better after they talk with him instead of feeling worse. Phil listens and takes other peoples’ opinions into consideration. He smiles and is pleasant. Phil becomes a positive force in the world that buoys other people instead of making them insecure and dragging them down. Instead of dreading a conversation with Phil, people look forward to talking with him. As a general rule, we all like being around positive people. We are attracted to them. People began to find Phil attractive!

The second change that Phil made was just as significant, but hard to do if you don’t have a positive outlook. Phil began to take care of other people. It started when he found a homeless man on the street one night who later died at the hospital where Phil took him. From that point on, Phil adopted a “No one is going to die on my day!” attitude and took action. Every day, he caught a young boy falling out of a tree, saved the mayor from choking, fed the homeless man, and even changed the tire of a group of little old ladies. He spent his day helping other people and felt satisfaction, gratification, and happiness as a result.

There is a Groundhog Day party at the end of Phil’s day. In the beginning he refused to go, even mocked the party as ridiculous. After he decided to be positive and help others, he became the center of attention at the party. The mayor’s wife kisses him and says what a wonderful person that he is. The three little old ladies speak of him glowingly. He’s even been taking piano lessons and his piano teacher who believes that she’s only seen him on this one day, says what a great person he is.

His new emphasis on positivity and helping others changes how Rita sees him. Remember, it’s a fresh day for her and she has no memory of all the others that Phil has lived. When she got up on this last of Phil’s Groundhog Days, she expected him to be the same jerk he was the day before. Instead, she is taken by his positivity and kindness. He is not trying to impress her at that point and yet he does. By focusing on becoming positive and helping others, he’s achieved the goal that he had in the very beginning, winning Rita’s heart. He became attractive to her by focusing on his own personal growth.

Each of us can become more attractive as well if we work like Phil did to cultivate a positive attitude and genuine determination to help others. Everyone around us would benefit from that course of action, but people who would benefit the most are us.

Follow Blog via Email

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 2,002 other subscribers
  • RSS - Posts

Categories

Follow me on Twitter

My Tweets

Archives

  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • February 2014
  • January 2014

Powered by WordPress.com.