• About

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

~ Leadership Coach and Trainer

Kathy Stoddard Torrey

Tag Archives: #BloomandFlourish

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Pulling It All Together

27 Tuesday Jun 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Bloom and Flourish, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#BloomandFlourish, #KathySays, #plants

plants 550 px

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability
  8. Your Choice

 Yay! We’ve talked about all seven pillars of Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model. In the beginning, we discussed the fact that fewer than 20% of Americans are satisfied with life and functioning well. Many of us are getting by, but we aren’t truly flourishing. When we look at the model, it’s easy to see why – many of the pillars are challenging. I myself would say that I am not doing great in several areas.

The first step in moving forward is to figure out where we are now. We can use Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model Wheel to get a snapshot of our lives in relation to the pillars. You can download a blank copy of the Wheel from my website; it’s under the “Free Stuff” tab.

First, we want to rate each pillar on the Wheel on a scale of 0 to 10.

10—You couldn’t be more satisfied with where you are at this point in your life. You are right on track.

5—It’s OK, but there are some changes that you could make here and feel more satisfied.

0—There is no fulfillment in this area. You would be much happier if everything about this category was different.

Then we mark our ratings on the Wheel.  If we write down a 10 for a category, we make a line along the outer edge of the circle. If we write down a 5 in a category, we make a line across the piece about halfway between the outer edge of the circle and the center. If we have a 0 in a category, we draw a small line right by the center point where all the pieces meet.

Kathy Bloom and Flourish Wheel filled in

Here is my current Wheel. I feel pretty good about the Peaceful Base pillar. There are always things to simplify and organize, but I’m happy with my Peaceful Base, so I ranked it a 9. My Physical Health isn’t great compared to people who haven’t had brain surgery, but I feel I’m as healthy as I can be, so that pillar also gets a 9. I very much like what I do and create, so Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning also gets a 9.

I have not been consistent in my meditation lately, and I’m feeling a bit negative, so the Positivity Spiral gets a rank of 6. I discussed my failings around creating a local community, so Positive Relationships gets a 5, but I’m already working on that one! I am not as conversant with God as I would like, so I will rate my Spiritual Connectedness at 8. I feel that I do not earn what I could and don’t manage my money as wisely as I could, so I rate the Financial Stability pillar a 7.

I’m sure that you noticed that there are eight pieces on the Wheel and only seven pillars. That last blank piece is one that you fill in. Is there something that you need to bloom and flourish that isn’t covered under the other pillars? Cheryl Richardson, a nationally-known life coach, often writes about her requirement for beauty and nature in her life. Do you need to be surrounded by beautiful things? Then you could label the last pillar “Beauty.” Do you crave being in nature? If so, you make your final pillar “Nature.” If you need both, your final pillar could be “Beauty and Nature.” It’s totally up to you!

I thought for a while about whether or not I needed something else that would be my final pillar. I realized that it is “Plants.” When the weather permits, I love to be outside doing things in the yard. I also like lots of plants in the house. Looking at green plants and colorful flowers has a relaxing effect on me. When I am not surrounded by plants, I am not in the same peaceful state that I’m in when I can see live, growing greenery and flowers. I’ve got quite a few plants inside and out that I love, so I rate my own Plant pillar an 8.

You get to decide whether or not you want an additional pillar. Most hobbies and creations fit in the Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning pillar, but it’s your Wheel, and you can put whatever you want on it. If you feel you must paint, draw, or sculpt and believe those need separate recognition, go for it!

In the beginning of this series, I said that, like all worthwhile achievements, creating a life of meaning and satisfaction would require work. It does! If we just let ourselves be blown around by life’s events, we are like a leaf in the wind; we don’t have control over where we go, and we can get pretty beat up.

We want to be a sailboat that uses the winds in our lives to move in the direction we want to go. There is a goals and commitments page included with the Wheel that you can download. There you can write out specific things that you want to accomplish for each pillar. Using Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model helps you to create the foundation that you need to launch out into the world and stay on course to create a life that you love living.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. You can go further faster with a great coach!

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Financial Stability

19 Monday Jun 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#BloomandFlourish, #FinancialStability, #KathySays, #LeadershipRules, #LeadYourselfFirst

financial stability 550 px

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

Finance is not my area of expertise, and I won’t be making any investment recommendations. The key piece of this pillar is to live within your means so that you don’t spend emotional energy on worrying about money and bills.

I know, that’s easier said than done. Housing costs alone are enough to make a person crazy! Someone making $16 an hour and working full-time makes $2,560 a month before taxes. No one can live on their own without a roommate or help on that much money.

My first suggestion is to create a useful mindset around money. It’s a tool. We sometimes give it a lot of emotional power and think of money as the enemy. There are lots of resources out there to help you change your feelings about money. My parents fought about money all the time, and as a result, I had terribly negative feelings about money for much of my life. That mindset did not serve me. It is a subject that I still don’t embrace, but I’m better about it than I used to be. Once you have a healthy emotional relationship with money, it’s easier to realize that you control it, not the other way around.

Second, wave around the Magic Wand of Destiny and use a budget to gain control. Take a hard look and what comes in and what goes out. Then, make intentional choices based on what’s most important to you.

 Third, get creative. The tiny house movement is a great example of people thinking outside the box. I’m a fan of Tiny House Nation, a show about people building customized tiny houses to live in. The most common reason that people give for going tiny is financial freedom. They want to own a home and still have enough money to travel – and eat!

My final suggestion is hard-won wisdom: stay self-sufficient by keeping your hand in the workforce and creating a credit history. Creating a credit history isn’t too difficult. Even when I was a stay-at-home mom, I put the utilities in my name and had a credit card. Those two things helped me to create a good credit history. I didn’t do as well at maintaining a career.

I always believed that I would easily jump back into the workforce after staying home with my children. Times change, and so did our economy. In my late 50s, I am faced with the stark realization that I am not fully self-sufficient. It’s maddening and frustrating.

Keep in mind that we don’t need a ton of money to have financial stability. The goal is to minimize our worry and stress around money so that we can truly bloom and flourish in all areas of our lives. I’m not stressed about money — just taking positive action toward more financial stability. I am thinking that I might like living in a tiny house!


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 (Two-Minute) Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Spiritual Connectedness

13 Tuesday Jun 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Bloom and Flourish, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#BloomandFlourish, #faith, #SpiritualConnectedness

Spiritual Connectedness 550 px

 

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

The pillar of Spiritual Connectedness could be considered controversial if we try to define the best way to achieve it. Spiritual Connectedness is a very personal creation. I’ve got a diverse group of friends, and I see them experience spiritual connectedness in many different ways. For the purposes of the the Bloom and Flourish Model, there is no one correct way to achieve Spiritual Connectedness.

Spiritual Connectedness is the feeling of being in communication with and supported by a higher power. Here is a definition of spirituality that I like from an article on the University of Maryland Medical Center’s web page (http://www.umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/treatment/spirituality):

Spirituality has been defined in numerous ways, including a belief in a power operating in the universe that is greater than oneself, a sense of interconnectedness with all living creatures, and an awareness of the purpose and meaning of life and the development of persona, values. It’s the way you find meaning, hope, comfort, and inner peace in your life. Although spirituality is often associated with religion, personal spirituality can also be developed through music, art, or a connection with nature. People also find spirituality through acts of compassion and selflessness, altruism, and the experience of inner peace.

The article also gives a lot of good information on the health benefits of Spiritual Connectedness.

Although Spiritual Connectedness can be experienced in many ways, it must have one component to support blooming and flourishing. The people who I know and the ones whom I have coached who flourish all have one thing in common, their spirituality includes a feeling of expansiveness and love for their fellow human beings. They have an attitude of acceptance and inclusion that is present in all areas of their lives.

There is also a comfort in talking to a higher power. I decided a long time ago that God must be like a parent in that He loves and cares for us, but cannot keep us from every harm. That perspective makes sense to me. Remember, your view may be different, and that is perfectly fine. I don’t expect you to drop your spiritual beliefs in favor of mine. What’s important is that each of us experiences love and support from a higher power.

A strong sense of Spiritual Connectedness also supports several of the other pillars of Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model. A strong spiritual community provides us with the positive relationships and community required in the Positive Relationships pillar. Spiritual Connectedness can also provide purpose and meaning to our lives, which supports the Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning pillar. The article quoted above cites many health benefits of a strong sense of spirituality, which supports the Physical Health pillar.

For me to bloom and flourish, my Spiritual Connectedness includes a belief that there is grand plan for me and the world. So many things in the world don’t make sense. Having faith that there is a purpose for the experiences that we all have, even if I don’t see the reason or understand it, comforts me.

Finally, death is not something I fear because I believe there is an afterlife – that we continue to exist without our bodies. I know a couple of people who truly fear death, and they spend a lot of emotional energy and time trying to stay healthy in unhealthy ways. Every small symptom is a crisis and a threat. It’s another exhausting way to live that prevents embracing life and flourishing.

Spiritual Connectedness is finding your own peace around the existence of a higher power. I like the way that the University of Michigan Medical Center article sums up Spiritual Connectedness: “It’s the way you find meaning, hope, comfort, and inner peace in your life.” What’s most important is finding your own way.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Positive Relationships

06 Tuesday Jun 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Bloom and Flourish, Leadership, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#BloomandFlourish, #community, #icandoitmyselfsyndrome, #positiverelationships

positive relationships 550 px

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

The Physical Health pillar is difficult for me because of circumstances outside of my control; I had brain surgery in 2009 that left me with some physical challenges. However, I have no excuse for my failure in the Positive Relationships pillar. I know how important it is to have community and positive relationships in order to bloom and flourish because at this moment in time, my supportive community is not complete, and I’m not flourishing!

I moved to Huntsville, AL, in 2012, and I have done an abysmal job of creating a community of supportive, positive relationships. My biggest obstacle is I Can Do It Myself Syndrome (ICDIMS). I’ve battled it all my life! Somewhere along the way, I determined that not everyone is super reliable and that depending on others is a sign of weakness, which led to this syndrome. Neither of these perspectives is especially useful. Neither is ICDIMS.

Awareness is the first step! We talked about beliefs back in March when we talked about our Frame of Reference (https://tinyurl.com/yae5t29q). It took me a while to identify ICDIMS and its underlying beliefs, but I finally got there. It took a lot of questions and coaching.

I haven’t always suffered from ICDIMS. When I was an active-duty Army spouse, I had friends that I relied on. When my Mom was dying, friends picked up my children from school, fed them, and had them sleep over. It was such a warm and comforting feeling to be surrounded by people who cared and were supportive. I miss that feeling.

So far, I’ve made it sound like I am alone in the world, and that is not true. I have a wonderful group of supportive friends and family that I rely on. The problem is that none of them live in Huntsville with me. My sister and youngest son live in Texas. My other son and his wife are in Virginia.  I have dear friends in North Carolina who I miss and value highly. Most days, I talk with a friend and fellow coach who lives in Pennsylvania. Another close friend lives in Maryland.

These people all offer support and kicks in the butt when needed. I love and depend on them all. They allow me some level of flourishing, and they keep me from being a complete failure at the Positive Relationship pillar of Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model. They also save me from feeling alone.

However, to truly flourish, we need optimal circumstances, and that means having a full range of positive relationships, including ones with people who live near us. We need friends to do stuff with! We want people who can pick us up when we take our car to the shop or when we lock our keys in the car. A movie is way more fun to watch when we watch it with someone whom we can chat with about what we saw. In truth, we can’t do it all ourselves. ICDIMS is a syndrome, not a truth.

Friendships are not only people helping us. In order to get good friends, we have to be  good friends. Positive relationships take an investment of time and emotional energy. We also get to be the one who picks up a friend from the car repair shop or hospital. We make calls and ask people to lunch. We take the time to meet for coffee and listen to friends’ frustrations and accomplishments.

I have some friends who are very thoughtful. They remember birthdays and send notes. I like those kinds of friends, but I am not one of them. That’s OK. We get to be a good friend to others in our own way. Some of my friends nurture with food. I love those friends. I am not a cook and hence not that kind of friend, either.

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman gives us a good framework for positive relationships. Different things are important to different people. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. If a friend or significant other gives you a gift, his or her love language may be receiving gifts.

We experience a disconnect when our love languages don’t match. For example, gifts don’t mean much to me, and neither do flowery words about how great I am. For me, it’s quality time and acts of service. I tell you that I care by spending time with you or helping you move. Spending time with me without looking at your phone and engaging in conversation touches my heart, not flowers or knickknacks.

Positive relationships are easier to create and maintain when we are aware of our own love language preferences and the preferences of our friends and loved ones. If words of affirmation are important to someone, we want to be sure and meet that need in our relationship.

We don’t want to run around trying to create positive relationships with everyone! We need to be selective. We want positive people who we can depend on most of the time. It’s taken me a while to accept the fact that no one is reliable 100% of the time. They all have their own lives and priorities. We are humans with a limited amount of time to manage. I am one of them with the same flaws. However, our support team should always be people who we trust. Trust is the fundamental quality of great positive relationships.

When starting from scratch to create a supportive community, it’s a good a idea to find people with similar interests. Once again, my Mom was an excellent role model. She lived with us for the last ten years of her life, and as a military family, we moved a lot. When we got to a new place, she joined local hiking clubs, counted birds with the local Audubon Society, found quilting groups, and offered to babysit for new neighbors. She found friends faster than I did, and I had military support groups waiting at every new place.

I am working on this pillar! I’m waving around my Magic Wand of Destiny and creating new relationships in Huntsville, and I’m recreating relationships there that I’ve let weaken. I started going to networking events and mastermind groups, where I am beginning to develop some friendships.

I know how important it is to have a supportive community physically around you, because I don’t have it right now. However, I control my future with the intentional choices that I make now. If you want me, I will be waving around my Magic Wand of Destiny to overcome ICDIMS and having lunch with a friend.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning

30 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Bloom and Flourish, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#accomplishment, #BloomandFlourish, #flow, #KathySays, #meaning

flow 550 px

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

To bloom and flourish, we want to spend as much of our time as possible doing things that create flow for us. “Flow” is a term defined by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, and you are in flow when you are doing something and lose your sense of time. You are so engrossed in this activity that you don’t think about anything else.

Activities that create a sense of flow generally have three components. First, you are good at the activity; you have the necessary skills to accomplish the task. Second, the task has meaning for you; it’s in alignment with your values, priorities, and goals. Lastly, you enjoy the activity; it is a challenge that you want to accomplish. Flow activities are in the sweet spot of the diagram below.

Flow Venn Diagram

It’s important to be able to identify the characteristics of each circle. If you are unsure of what you are good at or what you like to do, revisit my March blogs on uncovering your authentic self. At the end of that series, we could each list these things about ourselves:

  1. Things I enjoy doing
  2. Things I do not like to do
  3. My superpowers
  4. Characteristics I want to minimize
  5. Values my ideal self holds dear
  6. My ideal self’s priorities right now
  7. Beliefs that support my ideal self
  8. Beliefs that I hold now for which my ideal self has no use
  9. Possible careers/jobs that my ideal self would love

If you haven’t caught on yet, all of the pillars of Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model require some effort to achieve. Almost everything worth having requires some work. Finding your flow activities is no different. Even knowing the things in the list above, it’s going to take some trial and error.

Our ideal situation looks like this:

Flow one arrow

 

 

For the most part we intentionally spend our time on fun challenges that have meaning for us and that we have the required skills to achieve.

 

 

 

However, this is what represents most of our lives:

Flow scattered arrows

We are scattered and without purpose.

If you are like most people, you aren’t 100% sure of the things that put you in flow, and you don’t spend your time intentionally. However, we want to be in flow as much as we can be.

Csikszentmihalyi discovered this about participants in his studies: “When challenges and skills were both high, they felt happiness, more cheerful, stronger, more active; they concentrated more; they felt more creative and satisfied.” Wow! I want more of that!

The key is to be willing to experiment. I don’t think we go from scattered to focused in one fell swoop. It’s more of progression that looks like this:

Flow arrow transition complete

We learn the types of activities that create flow, and we incorporate more of those into our lives. For example, I might find that scrapbooking is completely engrossing for me. It challenges my creativity and drawing skills in a fun way. Leaving a legacy of family fun that is beautiful to look at has meaning for me. I won’t know if I like scrapbooking, making kombucha, writing short stories, or building a shed until I try.

Now, there is no need to try things that sound like an awful idea to you. In fact, we want to get rid of as many activities as possible that we don’t want to do. Of course, the laundry and dishes will always be there. If you like doing laundry and dishes, that’s great! If you don’t, know that our goal is to be as intentional with our time as we can. We want to decline to do activities like being treasurer for the scout troop if they don’t appeal to us. We want to set healthy boundaries and say yes only to things that move us forward and create flow.

A part of creating flow is our mindset. Csikszentmihalyi made some fascinating discoveries during his research. Participants wore a beeper that went off at random times. When it beeped, the participants immediately wrote down what they were doing and how they felt about it.

People were in flow more often at work; they were absorbed in what they were doing, and their skills matched the challenge. However, even though they were in a state that makes people feel happy, cheerful, and strong, they said that they’d rather be doing something else. We have a negativity bias towards things that we do at work even if they are things that we like to do!

I can only guess as to why this is true. In general, we have a societal attitude towards work that is not great. Many times that negative attitude has been earned by businesses and organizations. However, we are only hurting ourselves if we don’t embrace and fully enjoy the moments at work when we are in flow.

Csikszentmihalyi’s other interesting finding is that although we say we prefer leisure time, we don’t actually do much with our leisure time that creates flow. People with hobbies are the exception. Building model train layouts, knitting, and working with wood can all create a sense of flow and accomplishment.

Here’s a summary of how to strengthen the pillar of Flow/Meaning/Accomplishment in Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model:

  1. Know yourself, your superpowers, your likes, your dislikes, and what actions have meaning for you.
  2. Experiment. Try different things! If you aren’t sure if you’d like to do something, give it a shot!
  3. Say no to things that don’t move you forward or create a sense of flow. It’s okay to set healthy boundaries. When you say yes to something that doesn’t interest you, you are saying no to something that would. Time is a limited resource.
  4. Create a more positive mindset about moments of flow at work so that you can reap the benefits of happiness and strength.
  5. Intentionally create moments of flow during your leisure time. We all love a fun challenge and the sense of accomplishment that we get when we are done.

Life is a journey! Along the way we want to create more of what we want and less of what we don’t want. It takes some intentional choice and action, but it is totally worth it.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Positivity Spiral

23 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Bloom and Flourish, Positivity, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#BloomandFlourish, #gratitudejournal, #LovingKindness, #morningritual, #positivityspiral, Mindfulness, relationships

positivity spiral 550 px

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

Creating and increasing positivity is something I talk about all the time because I believe it holds the key to a life worth living. Studies show that great leaders have positive attitudes and that we are more attractive when we are positive; people like being around positive individuals.

However, like most things that are worth having, you have to work for it. Happiness, joy, and positivity don’t just land in your lap. At least they don’t land in mine! Those positive feelings are things I create and keep alive with daily, intentional thoughts and actions.

Our human brains are hardwired to notice problems and potential danger. We are more likely to pay attention to negative events than positive ones. We also hold on to negative events longer and with more intensity. When we are creating positivity, we are retraining our brains. We are intentionally choosing what we notice, think, and remember.

Mindfulness is being fully present in the moment. It helps us focus on what we want. Mindfulness is great training for our brains. You can eat, walk, breathe, and meditate mindfully. If you are completely focused on what you are doing and experiencing, your mind doesn’t have a chance to chatter and spin.

Mindfulness gives your brain a mini-vacation and can leave you feeling refreshed. Instead of walking or running with headphones, listen to the sounds around you. Intentionally focus on the feel of your foot as it touches the ground. Feel the air coming in your nose and filling your lungs. Which muscles are you using? Embrace the feeling of moving strong muscles. You don’t have to exercise mindfully every time, but it’s a nice change of pace and good exercise for your brain. You learn to focus intentionally instead of being at the mercy of a gerbil brain running on its wheel.

Another good brain-training activity that has lots of great research behind it is meditation. A good start is a mindful meditation; focus on your breath and the feelings in your body as you meditate. There are mindful meditations online that you can download and use.

The type of meditation that gives the most positive results is a Loving Kindness Meditation. In a Loving Kindness Meditation, you are asking for love, health, abundance, and happiness for yourself and others. After a few weeks of doing a Loving Kindness Meditation daily for only 10 minutes, you can:

  • Increase your empathy and compassion for others.
  • Decrease inflammation in your body.
  • Become more resilient.
  • Increase your resistance to viruses.
  • Generate positive emotions.
  • Be more creative.
  • Broaden your awareness to see the big picture.

Wow! That’s a lot of great stuff from an investment of 10 minutes a day! You can find guidelines online for Loving Kindness Meditations. Sometimes people have a negative feeling about the word “meditation,” because they feel that it has connotations of Eastern Religions. For me, “meditation” is a time of spiritual connection to your higher power. There are Christian Loving Kindness Meditations if that resonates with you. In my mind, I am asking for grace and blessings for myself and others when I do a Loving Kindness Meditation.

The most important part of the Loving Kindness Meditation is the creation of feelings of love, empathy, and expansiveness. As you begin, think of people and situations that make you feel warm and fuzzy. Find your happy place! I think of the feeling that I get when my granddaughter gives me a sloppy baby kiss, and how I felt when my boys would put their arms up to me when they were very young. I think of how it feels to hug the people I love and hold them close.

Figure out what evokes warm feelings of love for you. Maybe it’s holding a pet or sitting at a beach with your toes in the water. It could be the feeling of sunshine on your body or the strong healthy feeling you get when running or walking. Nature brings many people the feeling of expansiveness and joy. Experiment until you find the mental picture that creates a feeling of joy for you.

Once you can do this prep for the Loving Kindness Meditation, you can create joy on demand! Woot! Whenever you are feeling low or upset, you can take a deep breath and go to your happy place and create positive emotions. That. Is. Huge!

Once you have strong positive feelings, say three or four phrases about yourself. The specific words are not important. Use ones that resonate with you, but they will be something like this:

  • May I be filled with loving kindness.
  • May I be well in body and mind.
  • May I be at ease and happy.

The most important part of the meditation is to create and hold onto a feeling of friendliness, compassion, joy, and expansiveness as you say the phrases.

Then say the same phrases while thinking of someone with whom you feel close.  Think, “May you be filled with loving kindness.” It’s important to hold onto the positive feeling while thinking the phrases each time. It’s not too hard to say the phrases with feeling when it’s toward someone that you are fond of.

Next, move on to someone who you feel neutral about, someone you don’t really care for, and finally everyone in the world. Use the same three to four phrases each time, and focus on maintaining the feeling of compassion and acceptance.

It’s hard in the beginning to hold on to feelings of warmth and joy when you think of someone with whom you are angry or upset, but you can do it! It gets easier over time. You are training your brain and taking control of your emotions. In essence, you are gaining the ability to be positive whenever you choose.

If you have a hard time getting into a place of loving kindness, it might help to create a Positivity Portfolio, which is a collection of physical or digital pictures that make you smile. For example, I can look at a picture of my granddaughter and immediately feel love, compassion, and kindness toward her. After a while, I don’t need to see the picture; I can see it in my head and create the feeling.

A collection of pictures that you can flip through when you are feeling low or angry can be a huge help in bringing up positive emotions that seem elusive. I have an album on my phone of pictures that make me smile. I look at them when I need a dose of positivity.

The next tool to create more positivity in your life is a gratitude journal. Each evening, write down three things for which you are grateful. As you write down the thing or event, recreate the feeling that it brought to you. Name the emotion if you can.

My mom kept a gratitude journal for years, and it’s a great legacy. She lived with me and my family for 10 years. My youngest son Andrew would go straight down to her room every morning when he woke up. I could hear the swish-swish of his diaper as he passed my bedroom door.

Mom read each morning, and when Andrew arrived she would read aloud to him. It took at least a year, but they read Moby Dick together! I find that amazing. I have tried to read Moby Dick several times and haven’t managed to get through it. They also read Adventures of Huckleberry Finn together. After they read a scene about Huck sneaking into a smokehouse to steal some ham, they decided to sneak upstairs and steal some ham out of the refrigerator.

Of course, it sounded like a herd of elephants shushing each other as they came up the stairs. I stayed out of their way while they “stole” some ham and giggled their way downstairs. That evening, one of Mom’s gratitude journal entries was “Stealing ham with Andrew.” I read it when I went through her gratitude journal after she died. Her journal was full of wonderful memories that helped her stay positive when she was alive and brought me joy when she was gone.

After you write three things in your gratitude journal, take a moment to remember a few of the positive interactions that you had with others during the day. It doesn’t have to be an interaction with people that you know; it could be a pleasant conversation with a cashier as you checked out at the grocery store. We want to remember any micro-moment of positive interaction. Think of a few interactions and the emotions that you experienced. It will just take a minute or two, but it will increase your positivity and capacity to connect with others in a positive way, according to research by Dr. Barbara Fredrickson.

My mom was one of the most positive people that I have ever met. She was ahead of her time with writing in her gratitude journal each evening. She also began her mornings in a positive way. She read classics with Andrew when he was little, but she also read uplifting books in the morning. She would get up early and fix some tea. Then she would read something that put her in a positive frame of mind. It could be scripture or a devotional. One of her favorite books that she read over and over was Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. She was always telling me what “Sarah Ban” said. Mom even wrote Ms. Breathnach a letter telling her how much joy the book had given her, and Ms. Breathnach replied with a letter. I have copies of both.

All of the things that we’ve talked about help us overcome our natural negativity bias and create a Positivity Spiral. We do a Loving Kindness Meditation that increases our feelings of empathy and compassion for others – which increases our positive interactions with others – which increases the number of positive things we notice and are grateful for – which makes it easier to do the Loving Kindness Meditation. Each action supports the next until we have created an upward spiral of self-generating positive emotions. Woot!

Here is a summary of things to do to create your own self-sustaining Positivity Spiral:

  1. Practice mindfulness. Start with paying attention to one deep breath when stopped at traffic lights.
  2. Do the Loving Kindness Meditation for 10 minutes at least five times a week, and you will begin to feel lighter and more resilient. Big results come after eight weeks of consistent practice.
  3. Keep a gratitude journal. Write down three things each evening for which you are grateful.
  4. Take a minute each evening to reflect on the micro-moments of positive interaction that you had with other people that day.
  5. Feed your brain and heart uplifting messages. Create a morning ritual of reading something that makes you feel positive.

My last suggestion is to do one thing you enjoy each day! Even if you only spend five to ten minutes doing it, it will be worthwhile. Read a trashy novel, knit, draw, flip through a magazine, or write – whatever makes you happy! We all deserve an intentional moment of enjoyment. It’s one more thing that makes life worth living.


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Physical Health

16 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Bloom and Flourish, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#bloom, #BloomandFlourish, #body, #Physical Health

physical health 550 px

Blog 3: Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Physical Health

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

Our bodies are the vehicles that we use to interact with the world, and we want them to function as well as possible for as long as possible. We can’t flourish unless we are at our physical best, but that doesn’t mean that we need to be able to run a marathon or lift 100 pounds. We just want to take care of our bodies and do the best we can with the ones that we have.

Even though I have a very healthy lifestyle, this is the pillar of Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model that gives me the most trouble. People who don’t know me well don’t realize this because I look and act healthy.

Here’s what I do to maintain the health that I have. First, I eat very little sugar. Soft drinks make me feel truly ill now. Once you have broken the sugar habit, your body objects loudly when it gets a good dose. Candy bars are out of the question!

Sugar is the devil! It feeds cancer cells and messes with your mood. It is highly addictive! If you drink soft drinks and/or eat sugary things like candy bars, stop! Spend all of your willpower on stopping that habit before you move on to accomplish one other thing!

Now that doesn’t mean that you never get anything sweet. I eat organic dark chocolate every day. I don’t believe in a life of depravation. I believe in a life of moderation in all things – including moderation. I also like pie, and I keep Fudgsicles in the refrigerator, but I don’t eat both on the same day.

Actually, I eat a lot of the things that you aren’t “supposed” to eat, like butter. I drink whole milk. I believe that eating food that is closest to its natural state is best.

Here is one of Kathy’s hypotheses. I don’t have research to back it up. People comment all the time on how young I look. I’m 57 and am often taken for being a decade younger. I think one of the reasons is that I am not on a low-fat diet. Our skin and brain need fat! If you have been on a low-fat diet for a long period of time, I believe that you are starving both! In my world, it’s about moderation, not elimination.

Limiting portion size is the biggest help for me. I got the idea from John Travolta. It was years ago that I read an article about how he lost weight for a part. He said that he cut all his portions in half. If he got a cheeseburger, he cut it in half and only ate one half of it. I thought that was a brilliant idea! Once again, life is short, and I’m not into deprivation. Eating less of things that I love doesn’t feel like a sacrifice. I feel better after a meal if I haven’t had too much.

I know that talking about diet sodas with people usually has the same effect as if I walked up to a wall and banged my head on it, so I will be brief. At least don’t give aspartame to growing children. Please! It is a horrible chemical that no one should put in their body.

As a general rule, real food is better than processed food. If the concept is new to you, a good book to read is Food Rules: An Eater’s Guide by Michael Pollan. It talks about how to shop in a grocery store and what to look for.

Let’s talk about exercise. I believe that we all do ourselves and each other a disservice when we think that exercise must be hard. It doesn’t! A 30-minute walk at a reasonable pace has lots of physical and psychological benefits. One study I read determined that walking is more effective at alleviating depression than drugs. What is important is that we move!

I’m limited in what I can do. If I break a sweat while exercising, I’m down on the sofa for a few days with nausea and fatigue. However, if I never exercise, I can’t do everyday things like carry groceries. For me, it’s a balancing act. I do short bits of exercise throughout the day when I am home and try to walk as far as I can most days.

I had brain surgery in 2009, and I’ve never totally recovered. I am grateful to be alive, but having physical limitations is frustrating! I find it especially difficult to watch friends ski and hike on Facebook. If you have physical limitations for any reason, you are not alone! There are a lot of us, but we don’t speak out that often.

No one wants to dwell or complain, so we sort of suffer through silently while the runners around us extol the benefits of 10-mile runs. Don’t let it bother you! In life, what’s important is that we do the best we can with what we have. If you can only walk to the mailbox, walk to the mailbox. We need to push our own individual limits so that we maintain our own best levels of fitness. We get to decide what that is!

I have a 15-pound weight on my bathroom counter. Every time I go to the bathroom, I do some repetitions with it. I do this because I want to be able to lift my granddaughter, who is about seven months old. I lift three-pound weights up over my head so that I can put my carryon bag in the overhead bin. For me, it’s about maintaining my ability to do everyday things.

No matter where you are, it’s ok. If you are running marathons, good for you! I’m impressed and inspired by you. If you are walking to the mailbox, and that is your best, I’m impressed and inspired by you, too.

The last thing I focus on is stretching and easy abdominal exercises. I feel so good after some gentle stretching! It improves my mood and makes my back feel great. I love being able to turn my head and not have my neck feel tight. Gentle abdominal exercises keep my back from going out.

One summer when I was in high school, my mom and I went through Richard Hittleman’s Yoga: 28 Day Exercise Plan. It’s still available. The pictures and perspective are very outdated, but the exercises and concepts are timeless. I pull out my tattered copy and go through it now and then. My mom passed away a long time ago, but I feel she’s with me when I’m doing the exercises.

It helps to feel that someone is with you. I am with you! When you resist sugar, I am cheering you on! When you are walking, I am walking with you. If you don’t want me, talk to someone else – real or imagined. Life is a journey better taken with others.

Of course, I’ve only talked about a few things out of thousands that you can do for your health. I’m writing from my experience and the things that help me the most. You are different and unique! You get to focus on the things that help you. You may already eat healthy and exercise. What’s important is to maintain and support the one body that you have so that you can move about in this world with as much ease as possible.

Each pillar of Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model supports the other. Some of the techniques that we will talk about to develop a positivity spiral have an enormous positive impact on our health.

Physical health isn’t something we achieve and then forget. It requires a healthy lifestyle and daily movement. My email is below; let me know how you are doing! If you want to share on social media, let’s use #healthiestme. If you have a favorite tip or technique to stay healthy, share it with us in comments. We can do this!


For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com

Peaceful Base

09 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by Kathy Stoddard Torrey in Bloom and Flourish, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#bloom, #BloomandFlourish, #flourish, #LeadYourselfFirst, #organized, #peacefulbase

peaceful base

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

Peaceful Base

It’s not exciting or glamorous, but an organized life is the foundation for a flourishing life. If your house and/or office are a mess, this is the place to start. I’ve seen over and over again that clearing clutter and simplifying life is the springboard to all sorts of success and possibility. It’s the first thing that Cheryl Richardson, well-known life coach, has her clients do.

I began my decluttering journey more than a decade ago with FlyLady. You can find her online at FlyLady.net; however, I feel that she has gotten way too complicated and hard to figure out. The best thing that she has to offer right now is a book called CHOAS to Clean in 31 Easy BabySteps. It is a good start if you are completely overwhelmed by clutter and mess.

The main thing that I got from FlyLady is that you can do anything for 15 minutes. I recently ordered her timer again for my son who had asked for it. He is 28 years old and grew up using a timer for chores. She also advocates for a morning and evening routine with 15-minute cleaning and decluttering sessions. I’m a believer in morning and evening routines!

Several of the books and tools that I used in the beginning are no longer available! I spent a frustrating afternoon looking for things that don’t exist. So, I began to look at what was out there. The person I like best is Clean Mama. She has a simple system, and her website is easy to figure out. She also has lots of free printables. It’s a good place to start if you are looking for a system to keep your house clean and straight. Here is a link to her weekly cleaning routine: https://www.cleanmama.net/weekly-cleaning-routine

Marie Kondō’s book the life-changing magic of tidying up has gotten a lot of press. Her system will help you reduce the amount of stuff that you have, but it won’t help you stay organized. I don’t care for her system because it requires you to make a big mess in the beginning that looks overwhelming. If that appeals to you, go for it! If it doesn’t, there are other ways to simplify.

I read about the Mount Vernon method in The New Messies Manual ages ago. I love it! At George Washington’s estate, the cleaners start at a doorway and then methodically work their way around the periphery of the room. When that room is done, they move on to the next one.

I use the Mount Vernon method a lot in the kitchen. The refrigerator is to the left of the door from the living room to the kitchen. I start by wiping it down. Then I move to the small counter with the microwave. I take the room in three-foot increments. I stand at a section and look at everything from floor to ceiling and determine what needs to be put away and what needs to be wiped off. When that section looks great, I move on.

One of the things I like best about the Mount Vernon method is that if I get called away or run out of time, what I’ve done looks good, and there aren’t any piles waiting to be dealt with. I put everything away in a section before I move on to the next one.

The Mount Vernon method works in every room! If I don’t finish a room, I just pick up where I left off last. I do leave the floors for last or do them on vacuuming day.

Another hugely helpful concept that I’ve read in several books is to ask three questions each time you pick something up to put it away. First, “is it useful?” That is to say, does it have a purpose, and do you use it for that purpose regularly? The second question is “do you love it?” If the answer to both is no, then get rid of it!

I keep a basket by the door of giveaway items. When it’s full, I take everything to a charitable organization. I go every few weeks to drop things off. I also get rid of something when a new thing comes in the house. For example, if I buy a new pair of shoes, I look to see if there is a pair I can get rid of. I do the same thing with clothes.

If a thing is useful and/or you love it, it must have a home! This is critical! Don’t put it down in a pile and think you will find a place for it later. If it’s worth keeping, it needs a set place to live. Figure it out, and put it there every time. Life is so much better when everything has a place!

Most organization books suggest cleaning the kitchen and straightening the living room in the evening before we go to bed. It is lovely to wake up to a clutter-free house; it makes the mornings go smoothly. However, I find it a challenge to accomplish tasks at night when I’m tired, so I use a mental trick. (Fortunately, I’m a sucker for my own tricks.)

My goal is to set Future Kathy up for success. I want to get the kitchen counters clear so Future Kathy will have an easy time in the morning. Sometimes I set the timer on the coffee pot so that Future Kathy will wake up to the smell of brewing coffee. The key is that I like Future Kathy, and I want to help her.

In the morning, I am Future Kathy, and I am profoundly grateful for the work that Past Kathy did to make my morning an enjoyable success. Over the years, Past Kathy and Future Kathy have become an unbeatable team!

You got a head start on the last step of creating a Peaceful Base if you got rid of some energy drains last month when we talked about making ourselves more resilient. Energy drains also keep us from flourishing! Here is a link to the blog on emotional drains and Emotional Pennies: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2017/04/11/making-yourself-resilient-before-it-rains/ Keep in mind that we want to minimize our expenditure of Emotional Pennies by getting rid of as many people, things, and situations as possible that drain our emotional energy.

Actions for creating a Peaceful Base:

  1. Declutter your house and office.
  2. Set up routines to help you keep things clean and straight. The goal is to help your Future Self be successful and happy!
  3. Eliminate emotional drains.

Grab your to-do list and the habit tracker that we talked about last week; then, write down the actions that will help you create a peaceful base. Start slowly! It’s important to add new behaviors gradually so you don’t get overwhelmed. FlyLady starts with shining your sink every night. If that’s all that you get done for a week, that’s fine. Your Future Self appreciates any and all help that she gets.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Follow Blog via Email

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 2,002 other subscribers
  • RSS - Posts

Categories

Follow me on Twitter

My Tweets

Archives

  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • February 2014
  • January 2014

Powered by WordPress.com.