Category Archives: Leadership

Words of Wisdom: Find More Facts and Listen to Your Heart

05 Tuesday Dec 2017

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When figuring out what to write for the final month of 2017, I asked myself what else I want my granddaughter to know. What hard-won wisdom could I share that would help her when she is facing a challenge? If I am not around to comfort her and offer support, what would help?

2017 has been a tough year for me. I have faced several life-altering challenges, and I’ve been stuck and felt hopeless. It felt like I was standing in one place with my shoes glued to the floor. I couldn’t move forward. Everything was confusing and overwhelming. I’ve had some practice this year in getting through a tough time or two.

When my head is swimming and there doesn’t seem to be a clear answer, there are a couple of things I do. First, I gather more facts. When we feel like we are guessing, we often are. For example, I was buying a new car a few years ago, and the entire process was intimidating to me. I’d driven a minivan for more than 20 years, and I loved all my minivans — I mean truly loved them.

However, since my children were grown and I was 50-something years old, I thought it might be time for an image upgrade. I looked at every car on the road and imagined myself driving it. I quickly eliminated all small cars. I’m about six feet tall, and small cars make me claustrophobic. Also, I drive with chart pads, books, and a host of other goodies when I travel to do leadership training.

“Not small” isn’t much to go on. Would I like a truck? Perhaps an SUV would work? I couldn’t make up my mind. It was time to gather some more facts.

I found an enormous pickup truck on sale and went to see it. I sat in it and drove it around. It made me feel tough and powerful. I liked it. However, my oldest son lived in the DC area at the time. It occurred to me that I was often driving down small streets and parking in small parking garages. The truck felt too big for that. Yay! A new criterion to add to my search. The vehicle must be easy to maneuver on small streets and in parking garages. I hadn’t thought of that until I drove the big truck.

Next, I drove an Acura MDX. Swanky SUV. Easy to drive, but a little too small to fit all my training paraphernalia and clothes. AND it didn’t feel right, which leads to my second test when facing a challenge: What does your heart say?

My heart let me know pretty quickly that I felt like a poser in that car. It felt sleek and rich. It was like putting a mink coat over sweats. It just didn’t feel right.

Now I was armed with a host of practical things that I wanted, like a bunch of cup holders, a heated seat, and an engine powerful enough to tow a small trailer. I also knew that it didn’t need to be elegant or swanky. Knowing all of that made it easy to choose Amber – the car that I now drive and adore. Amber is a Honda Pilot. She is small enough to fit in parking garages, big enough to hold my stuff, and she is beautiful but not ostentatious. I love her!

So if my granddaughter, who is now one year old, called me with a challenge in the future (when she is able to talk in complete sentences), I would first ask her, “What do you know for a fact?” Then I would ask her, “What assumptions are you making?” Finally I would ask, “What concrete information could you gather that would help you know what to do?”

Sometimes getting the information that you need can require one phone call. Sometimes it requires the experience of a year. It depends on the challenge and the decisions to be made. We can get stuck in analysis paralysis, but the bigger danger is staying stuck because we don’t feel we have enough information to make a good decision.

What’s important is to keep moving and researching. Maybe a job doesn’t seem perfect or you don’t really know what you want to do. Move forward! Take a job, and pay attention to what you like and don’t like. Next time, get more of what you like and less of what you don’t like. Getting useful information can be a part of finding your path and engaging in life’s journey.

 

Once my granddaughter had all the information that she needed to make a good decision, I would ask, “What is your heart telling you?”

I would ask you the same things.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Motivating Self and Others: Tips and Tricks

28 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Motivation, Uncategorized

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We’ve discussed the research around motivation. It’s always good to know what has been tested and is reproducible. However, when it comes to motivation, I will do whatever works! Here are some tips and tricks to keep yourself going.

Necessity and Fear. Necessity is the mother of invention, and it’s also a parent to motivation. If it’s mixed with a touch of fear, it’s even more motivating. The car breaking down, a poor lab result on cholesterol, and a visiting relative can all be very motivating in the short-term. We don’t want to live life under threats; it isn’t sustainable. However, necessity and fear can get us unstuck and moving.

Mindset. Too much necessity and fear can be overwhelming. That’s when we need a shift in mindset. Let’s say that we are facing a divorce or a layoff. Fear can be paralyzing. Keep in mind that the only time that we can do something about the situation is now. We only have the current moment to take action. We can ask ourselves, “What one thing could I do right now that would help this situation?” Then do that one thing. Action feels good and can help us get started when taking on huge challenges. It definitely beats sitting and worrying, which don’t help one bit.

Music. When faced with cleaning toilets or dusting, I put on some peppy, upbeat music. I have a playlist called “Putter” for when I’m puttering around the house doing mundane tasks. I dance as I go and get in a little aerobic exercise.

Audiobooks. When my children were young, I cooked a lot of dinners. I truly detest cooking. Seriously, I had to force myself into the kitchen at dinner time. Audiobooks saved my sanity. Maybe listening to books was more of a distraction than a motivation, but it got me in the kitchen and cooking without using every one of the day’s Emotional Pennies.

Podcasts. I am late in joining the podcast party. I am not sure why, but it makes me feel old! There are a bunch of motivational podcasts. I wanted to write that I was going to try one, but none of them resonated with me. Hmmm. Maybe it’s time to start a podcast. I will let you know if I find or create one. Let me know if you find one!

Apps. There are quite a few motivational apps for your phone. One, called Motivation Quotes – Daily Quote, will send you one a day. I use an app called Due. It’s free. I use it to schedule reminders to pop up on my phone throughout the day. Here is my list:

9:03am Engage! This one is to encourage me to stay present and work toward my current goals.

10:10am Accept healing. This is a reminder to slow down, take a breath, and remember that all types of healing are hindered by stress.

2:00pm Have faith. You can do this! So 2:00pm is often when my energy flags. During all-day training sessions, 2:00pm is the lowest point. This is just the encouragement I need because it reminds me of all the times I’ve succeeded before.

5:15pm Looking forward to tomorrow? I read an article about an old woman who was talking about the keys to her longevity. She said she made sure that she had a good reason to get up the next morning every day. This reminds me to question the structure of my life. Have I included things that make me look forward to the next day?

8:08pm Time to count your blessings and accomplishments for today. My intent is to write down three things that I am grateful for each day. This reminder gets me to at least pause and think about them.

It’s easy to schedule the daily reminders. Feel free to use some or all of mine, or create your own.

Ego. We can pull in our egos when it will help us achieve our goals. Let’s say there is a person who does what I do who is not as talented or smart, but who is wildly successful. Her success is due to luck and connections. When I start to slow down on my career goals, I pull her image into my mind and think, “I am better than her, and I am ready to prove it.” Now, this is not a shining example of my love for mankind, but I don’t wish her ill. I just want to do better than she does. Her success is an affront to my sense of fairness. I let my ego out to play when I need a serious kick in the tail. Keep in mind that playing to our ego is different that going out for revenge. Revenge is a poisonous motivator.

Rewards. We know that rewards work. They aren’t ideal long-term strategies, but they can be useful. I tell myself that I can play Plants v. Zombies for 15 minutes if I will work for 45 minutes. It’s a reward that works for me. I have also rewarded myself with flowers and boots when I achieved a goal. I’m even motivated by the reward of stickers on a calendar. Fortunately for me, my reaction to even minor rewards is positive.

I want to mention one ineffective motivator that I see clients using all the time – negative self-talk. Telling ourselves that we are fat slobs who need to go for a walk isn’t effective. We might get up and moving every now and then, but we are breaking our own spirits! Give yourself a pep talk instead and remind yourself of your Big Whys.

If something gets you moving toward a goal and doesn’t make you feel like a loser or a monster, it’s a good motivator. I am all about finding what works and using it to help me achieve my goals. For you, it might be posting a picture by your computer of what you want to achieve or listening to gospel music. Or you can talk to yourself in the mirror like this little girl whom I adore: https://youtu.be/qR3rK0kZFkg

All that matters is that it works for you!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Motivating Self and Others: It’s a Matter of Heart

21 Tuesday Nov 2017

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We talked about the Elephant as the representation of our heart in the Rider/Elephant/Path model from the book Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard. The Elephant and our hearts are the biggest influencers on our motivation. When I work with coaching clients, it’s pretty easy to find the logical reasons for doing something. It’s also not difficult to set up some accountability structures. However, tapping into the emotional purpose sometimes takes some digging.

First, it can be difficult on our own to find the emotional purpose for an action or task when we are stuck in our own Frame of Reference. Earlier, we talked about asking ourselves why we want to do or accomplish something again and again until we get an answer that resonates with our hearts. Sometimes it’s clear and easy. Other times, it takes some work. A friend who is a good listener can help, but a life coach is trained to ask the questions that will get to your most basic and motivating reason to do something.

If an item has shown up on your New Year’s resolution list more than once, you probably haven’t found a reason to do it that resonates with your heart. I see in my clients that it is a “should.” They feel that they should do it, but they don’t really want to. Usually we work together and find the core need that would be met by accomplishing the goal. Sometimes, they realize that it isn’t their goal in the first place; it’s someone else’s goal for them that they’ve taken on. It’s a “should” that they can forget about.

There are other ways to activate your heart and get it engaged in the process. One way is to identify your values and priorities. A goal isn’t motivating if it isn’t aligned with our values and priorities. It’s worth taking a few minutes to figure those out.

Values are traits and characteristics, like honesty and integrity. Priorities are areas of our lives that are important to us, like family and career. Values usually stay the same throughout our lives. Priorities change as we move through the different phases of our lives.

So when I am looking for reasons to accomplish a goal, I need to make sure that the goal in alignment with my values and current priorities. If it’s not, then I need to rethink the goal. If it is, then I need to know which values and priorities – and why.

I have had “write daily” on my New Year’s resolution list for decades! I wanted to write but didn’t make the time. I was in full-on family mode, and writing felt like something that took some of my time that was so precious back then. I also dealt with my inner critic, who said that I wasn’t a good writer and that there wasn’t a reason to write. I’d never be a successful author, so there wasn’t a point. I also a had an external critic in the house who didn’t like my writing style. I wanted to write but wasn’t motivated enough to do it.

Now it’s different. I have a structure or Path clearly set up. I publish a blog every Tuesday, and a lot of people notice if I don’t. I have to explain to a few coach friends why I missed the deadline.

I also know that writing once a week helps my business by getting my message out in front of people. No one knows what I know unless I tell them. The blog is a basic piece of accelerating my business. Very logical reasons my Rider likes.

However, neither of those things happened for years because I didn’t have the heart for it. Now I do. First, my health isn’t fantastic. I have platinum coils in my brain that give me some weird symptoms like fatigue, dizziness, and an irregular heartbeat. The symptoms come and go, but the important thing about the whole situation is that I’ve been reminded of just how mortal I am.

I had a huge shift in how I view the world. My time is finite. It’s true of all of us, but there is nothing like a near-death experience to bring that fact home. Facing my mortality made me question my effect on the world. Was I leaving it better than I found it? I had a renewed sense of purpose in helping others create the life that made them feel happy and satisfied. I’d seen the positive effects of the skills that I teach on people’s lives.

Then, along came a granddaughter. Someone who owns my heart. I realized that I would be long gone before she became interested in communication, conflict resolution and motivation. I desperately want her to have these skills available. I know that there is hope that she will be interested at some time. Her father and his brother have recently begun to ask me questions about what I teach and coach. They were in their late 20s when they started asking me about the leadership concepts that I teach.

Now, I have my heart reason for writing. It isn’t an academic exercise that catalogues what I know. It’s a legacy for a group of people who I adore. In writing, I leave the wisdom that I have gained for children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren! I know that I will be much more interesting to future generations when I’m dead. I want to leave them something interesting.

Could I have found a motivating reason earlier in my life? Probably. I could have dug in with a coach and figured it out, but I didn’t. The writing goal wasn’t in line with my current priorities of family and working with Army families.

The bottom line is, can you find a reason that motivates you to make achieving your goal a priority? Does it mean enough to you to put it ahead of other tasks that lay claim to your time? If the answer is yes, then you’ve found your heart’s motivation.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Motivating Self and Others: Influence the Rider, Elephant, and Path

14 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Motivation, Uncategorized

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The Rider/Elephant/Path model comes from a book by Dan and Chip Heath called Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard. It is one of the simplest and most useful models for successful change. It is also a useful motivation model.

The logical Rider and the emotional Elephant represent your head and heart. Both must believe the action or task is worth the effort. We must ensure that the action is logical and that it speaks to your heart. Lastly, we want to create a structure to keep yourself on track; the structure is our Path. We create the Path by finding ways to hold ourselves accountable for the action. Let’s go over each part.

Rider. First, we want to convince the logical Rider that this action or task makes sense. We want to do research, listen to experts, and ask others how they handled a similar situation. Our logical Rider must believe that the way we are heading makes sense.

Let’s look at an example. With coaching clients, exercise is often the action that they want to do but can’t seem to stay motivated to do. We start by reminding our logical Rider about the benefits of consistent exercise. We will be stronger, fitter, and healthier. We will have more stamina, more energy, and a more positive outlook on life. There are a lot of logical reasons to exercise regularly!

Elephant. Second, we must motivate our emotional Elephant. The Elephant is not moved by logic; it follows its heart. Your deepest heartfelt motivation will be the reason that your Elephant agrees to move along the path.

Finding the vision that motivates our hearts can take some digging. We talked about one technique here: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2015/01/19/goals-big-why-and-little-hows. We ask ourselves why we want to do this task over and over until we find a reason that really makes our hearts sing.

In the exercise example, I might say that I want to exercise to stay fit. “Why?” I ask myself. “Because I will have more energy and stamina,” I answer. Then I ask myself, “Why do you want more energy and stamina?” My bottom line answer that sings to my heart is that I want enough strength and energy to keep up with my family and swing my granddaughter around. The ability to spend quality time with my family walking and doing useful tasks is my emotional motivation.

As a matter of fact, I recently helped my oldest son and his family move from VA to NJ. In preparation, I worked up to walking two miles a day. (Remember, I have platinum coils in my brain, and two miles is a good goal for me.) I got up every morning and walked. I also did some abdominal exercises so that my back would be less likely to go out. (Remember, I am old!) Every time I wanted to slack off, I reminded myself that my family was depending on me, and I wanted to be a part of the activity. When done together, hard jobs can strengthen relationships and create memories that are funny in retrospect. All things that my heart wanted.

Keep in mind that the small Rider cannot force the Elephant to go a certain direction. We cannot be motivated by logic alone. We must feel in our hearts that the change is worth the effort.

Path. Lastly, we want to create a structure for our Path. We want to clearly mark the Path and maybe put some walls on each side to help our Rider and Elephant stay on it. Accountability partners and coaches are excellent examples of how to create a clear path for the Rider and Elephant to follow.

In my exercise example, a walking buddy would help me stay on the Path. A calendar with stickers offers a little structure. Publicly stating goals and progress is an excellent way to create walls to keep us on the Path.

If we can’t find reasons for our actions that resonate with our brains and hearts, maybe we need to rethink the goal. We can only use our self-discipline to force ourselves forward for so long. It’s an exhausting way to live.

However, we can stay motivated if we can find ways to get our brains and hearts engaged and supportive of our actions. We help all parts of ourselves to stay motivated when we create a clear path that uses accountability and consequences to keep us on track. The Rider/Elephant/Path model is an easy way to create success.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Motivating Self and Others: What Motivates Us?

07 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in Leadership, Motivation, Uncategorized

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There are almost as many theories of what motivates us humans as there are stars in the sky. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. However, look at the Wikipedia article on Motivation to get a small glimpse into the world of motivation theories.

I’ve read a bunch of them, and I find few of them memorable or useful. I think David McClelland’s popular theory is a little disheartening. He states that we are motivated by a need for power, affiliation, and achievement. Those don’t feel motivating to me, but maybe I am not in touch with my inner power-hungry self.

The theory that I like best is Dan Pink’s in the book Drive. He states that we can foster intrinsic motivation through autonomy, mastery, and purpose. These are simple and make sense to me.

Let’s start with autonomy. We all like to do things our own way. I use a cool demonstration with a dog leash to illustrate how much more we struggle against authority when the leash is short and we aren’t given a lot of freedom. It’s not any fun to follow someone else’s procedure to the letter.

I, for one, like to be able to show some creativity that plays to my own strengths and interests. Otherwise, I feel like a robot. Henry Ford did not understand this concept. He asked, “Why is it every time I ask for a pair of hands, they come with a brain attached?” Not. Interested. If you want to motivate me, you let me engage my brain and my hands.

I totally get mastery. When I take on a new task or action, I will do it over and over again until I have mastered it. The rhesus monkeys in Harlow’s experiment that we discussed last week are a good example. I still have the wooden Soma cube that I spent hours figuring out as a child. Every now and then, I will pull it apart and put it back together just because I can and want to. I have mastered it, and it feels good to solve it.

The final piece is purpose. It’s a big one! We started out the year setting goals and finding our Big Why as described by Simon Sinek in his book Start with Why. I have published a blog every week this year because I have a sense of purpose in creating and completing them. My granddaughter is one year old. I will be long gone before she is old enough to be interested in the concepts that I teach and discuss.

That thought saddens me because I know how useful leadership concepts are in creating positive relationships and a successful and peace-filled life. I desperately want her to have this information. The only way I see it happening is if I take everything that is in my head and put it on paper. This year is a sort of love letter to my granddaughter, any future grandchildren, and to you! It feels like a legacy – which is very motivating.

When trying to get someone else to do something, it’s a good idea to create autonomy, mastery, and purpose for the person doing the task or action. What can you do to give someone more control over the task? Does the thing have to be done a certain way, or is there some wiggle room for the person to do it his or her own way? Does the person have the opportunity to master the task? Is the purpose of the task clear to the person performing it? We can help others by creating Pink’s three conditions as often and as much as possible.

It’s also worth using Pink’s three motivating conditions to evaluate our own lives. Can you use one or more of them to motivate yourself? If you aren’t motivated to do something, why are you doing it? I don’t mean that in a “you should stop doing it” sense, although that could be the answer. However, many times we must get through something hard to reach an ultimate goal. We can find ways to motivate ourselves using autonomy, mastery, and purpose. Purpose is always the ultimate motivator for me. If I can find a way that an action helps me to achieve my goals, then I can power through it.

We can make life easier if we are willing to create a motivating environment by fostering autonomy, mastery, and purpose for ourselves and others.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Motivating Self and Others: Intrinsic v. External Motivation

31 Tuesday Oct 2017

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Until about 1950, scientists believed that there were two types of motivation: biological and reward/punishment. Biological motivation is driven by our biological needs to eat, sleep, etc. Scientists believed that the only other way to motivate someone was to offer a reward or threaten a punishment. Wow. That isn’t a very enlightened or flattering view of human nature!

In 1949, Harry Harlow was doing behavior experiments with rhesus monkeys. He planned to test the effectiveness of rewards and punishments while the monkeys solved a puzzle. Two weeks before the experiments started, he put the puzzles in with the monkeys so that they would get used to them.

A totally unexpected thing happened. Without rewards or fear of punishment, they solved the puzzles frequently and quickly. They did it because they liked solving the puzzles. Harlow called it intrinsic motivation, and it was a revolutionary theory.

Harlow decided to test the effects of raisins as rewards for finishing the puzzle, and the monkeys did worse! They solved the puzzles more slowly and made more errors. That was mind-blowing to a scientist who believed that rewards always improved performance.

The scientific community refused to believe the new evidence in 1949. Harlow faced opposition and ridicule, so he dropped the topic and moved on to other research.

Another scientist began researching the topic of intrinsic motivation in 1969. Edward Deci did a study with men and women to find out how pay influences the way people work. He split the participants into two groups. Both were asked to solve a challenging puzzle on three different days. One group was never paid for the task. The other group was not paid the first day, was paid the second day, and then was not paid on the third day.

The unpaid group worked longer on the puzzle each day. The second group worked less on the puzzle the third day when not being paid after receiving payment on the second day. Deci concluded, “When money is used as an external reward for some activity, the subjects lose intrinsic interest for the activity.” He found that rewards can create improved performance but that eventually motivation declines. No one expected rewards to have a negative effect.

In workshops, this is the point when people ask, “Does that mean that we should work for free?” The answer is no. We should be paid a motivating wage for the work that we do. The findings do, however, put the matter of bonuses into question.

Through coaching and interacting with others, I’ve concluded that we all crave challenges that we can overcome. Some of us hunt for bargains. Others train for marathons. If you look around, people who are happy are leveraging their intrinsic motivation just like the rhesus monkeys did when they solved the puzzles.

There are several theories that describe the conditions that foster intrinsic motivation. We will talk about a few of them in the coming weeks. In the meantime, what motivates you? Do you have challenges in your life that feel like fun? What makes a challenge fun for you? It’s worth the time to figure out what sorts of things and conditions make us want to take on and solve a challenge because we are happier when we have fun challenges at work, play, or both.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: Ask Yourself This Question First

24 Tuesday Oct 2017

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When we find ourselves in a situation that feels like a challenge to our authority or egos, there is one question we can ask ourselves that will save us a lot of headaches and heartaches. I’ve been talking about this quite a bit lately, and it can have a profound impact on our lives and relationships. If we use this question, we can entirely avoid many conflicts. The question is: Does it really matter?

We create conflict when we don’t really need to by insisting on having things our own way. It happens all the time! We are human, and we have egos. We have clear ideas about how things should be done. We like to get our own way – and we don’t always need to.

When my children were in middle school, I felt like I was saying no to them all the time. They wanted more freedom, and I felt like they were always challenging me. Refusing them was my default. It felt like we were butting heads all the time. It was exhausting.

After some coaching and communication training, I decided to say yes unless there was a really good reason to say no. Yes became my default. One of the questions that I asked when deciding on my answer was, “Does it really matter if they do this their own way?”

The answer to long hair and clothes from thrift shops was no; it didn’t really matter. I did have the urge to attach notes to them that said, “I have offered to buy them clothes that are not old and ill-fitting,” but I resisted. They wanted to express themselves, and it didn’t really matter. They weren’t in danger, weren’t putting anyone else in danger, and weren’t being disrespectful or unkind. They were just being them. The result was that we got along much better, and they learned that there were good reasons when I said no.

One year, my husband made a New Year’s resolution to let me have my way. He didn’t tell me what he was doing for a while. A funny thing happened on the way to giving me my way: I started reciprocating. We “gave in” on where to eat dinner, how to slice mushrooms, and how to fold t-shirts. It was the best year ever!

We can create positivity in relationships by giving up control whenever possible. I talk about this concept in my leadership workshops. Does it matter if an employee does a process or procedure a new or different way? If whatever it is will still get done in a timely manner, then let him or her do it in their own way. Autonomy is motivating, and our employees are more enthusiastic and motivated when they get to make some decisions – so are our significant others and friends.

We can create more peace for ourselves and others if we just let everyone else do what they want as often as possible. Ask yourself, “Does it matter?” If the answer is no, pat your ego on the head, tell it everything will be alright, and give some power and autonomy away. It will come back to you in surprising ways.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effective Conflict: Opening a Difficult Dialogue

17 Tuesday Oct 2017

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My coaching clients often identify issues that consistently drain their emotional energy. Many times, the issue involves another person, and the only way to resolve the issue is to have a conversation with that person. Unfortunately, few of us are adept, or even comfortable, beginning conversations that are going to be difficult.

Most of the time, it is a conversation my client dreads, which is totally understandable. Most of us aren’t trained to handle conflict, and we rarely see conflict done well. Every sitcom and reality show on television depends on people handling conflict poorly!

However, we can have productive conversations about disagreements that will actually strengthen our relationships. It takes a little courage if you don’t care for difficult conversations, but the results can be life-changing.

The key is to start the conversation well. This is the Opening of the Conversation Outline. Research shows that if we begin a conversation harshly, it will end harshly more than 90% of the time. The opening is crucial. We want to clearly state what we want to talk about it in a non-confrontational manner.

A harsh startup generally starts with the word “you.” We have a better chance of getting our desired outcome from a conversation if we begin with an I statement.

My first exposure to I statements was when my oldest son was in first grade. He had a very intelligent teacher who taught them all the simplest of I statements: “I don’t like it when you do that. Please stop.”

As adults, our I statements can be a little more elaborate. They contain four parts and begin with “I”:

  1. How we feel.
  2. The event that created the feeling.
  3. The effect that the event has on us.
  4. Statement of a positive alternative event.

It all goes together like this:

I [feel this] when [this happens] because [effect the event has]. [State positive alternative.]

Here are a couple of examples:

“I feel frustrated and annoyed when I am reminded to do my assigned task because I am a professional who takes my responsibilities seriously. I will finish my work without reminders.”

“I feel insulted and hurt when people call me rude names because it makes me feel disrespected. I work better when given constructive feedback in a positive way.”

It’s best to give an I statement as soon as an offending behavior has occurred. However, that isn’t always possible. When hearing our response after the fact, many people respond with incredulity or denial. They deny behaving the way described. When we talk about the event later, it’s a good idea to have the exact circumstances in mind and be ready to share them.

Sometimes, we are giving an I statement about something that happens regularly. If that is the case, be ready to share several examples. Be sure to state them factually and without blame.

Sometimes, we have contributed to the situation in some way. If that is the case, we can help to resolve the issue by admitting to our part in creating it. Maybe we haven’t let everyone know our expectations. Perhaps we’ve been annoyed for a while and haven’t spoken up. It could be that our nonverbals when we are upset provoke others to anger. If we contribute, we want to own it.

Lastly, it’s a good idea to reassure the person that we want to resolve the issue. We want to be sure that they know our intent is to create and maintain a positive relationship. After all, that is the hallmark of a great leader.

Now we go through the rest of the Conversation Outline: Discover and Share > Develop Solutions > Agree > Close. Discover and Share is the most important step. We want to use active listening skills be sure to ask about the fact and feeling parts of the issue. We want to be sure that the other person feels confident that we understand and acknowledge his or her positions, interests, and feelings before we move on to Develop Solutions.

Once we agree on a solution, we want to discuss what we have learned and where we are now in the Agree step. We want to be sure to clearly define who is doing what by when.

In Close, we ask if there is anything else that needs to be said and express gratitude for the person for working through the challenge or issue with us.

When discussing conversations that need to happen with coaching clients, they often tell me that the other person won’t be able to handle the discussion or that talking with him or her won’t help. First, the alternative to not having the conversation is to continue to endure a situation that is causing stress and draining emotional energy. Second, we really don’t know how it will turn out until we try. The other person may get emotional. That’s okay! It is perfectly alright for people to feel strong emotions. We don’t need to protect them from that – or run from it. It takes some courage, but we can witness someone feeling strong emotions. In coaching, we call it standing in the lion’s roar. I love that metaphor.

I want to add one caveat. I find that most people are reasonable human beings who will engage in a productive conversation if given the invitation and circumstances that make them feel safe to engage in a dialogue. Effective conflict involves telling others what we think and feel. We must be a little vulnerable, and most people are willing to do that. However, there are a few mean-spirited people out there whose goal is to cause harm. It isn’t a misunderstanding; it’s an attack. If you can, let those people go.

If you can’t let them go, document every conversation. At work it is especially important to get everything that you can in writing. Send an email summary of the conversation, and ask for the other person to confirm that you understood everything correctly. Whatever the circumstance, do your best to keep the negative meanies from stealing your joy. They are not worth it.

Most of the time, we can improve our lives by easing tension and removing energy drains with some preparation, determination, and courage. Grab some support if you need it, and know that no matter the outcome, the conversation is usually worth it.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Effective Conflict: Simmering Conflicts

10 Tuesday Oct 2017

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We tend to think that yelling and arguing are an intrinsic part of conflict. They certainly can be, despite our best efforts. However, conflict can also be like a low-grade fever – a simmering disagreement that saps our energy and uses vital emotional energy.

When I coach people, I like to start off by eliminating as many energy drains as possible. Energy drains can be clutter, toxic relationships, a leaky toilet, disorganization, work we don’t like, and smoldering disagreements that never burst into flames.

The first step is to identify the simmering conflict. What specifically is bothering you and why? We want to do some soul searching to uncover conflicts that are draining our energy and joy.

Think about your days. When does your stomach clench? When do you feel your shoulders tighten? What tasks do you dread? What people do you wish you could avoid? Why?

As an example, let’s say that I have a friend who calls to complain about her life and never listens to what I have to say. I am irritated before, during, and after our conversations. In this example, it’s a conflict that the other person does not know about. The friend is happy as a clam to unload on me and move on. There is a discussion that I need to have that I am avoiding.

Next, we want to dive into the situation and figure out why it bothers us. In this step, we want to get a clear picture of the issue. Sometimes in thinking about a situation, there is more than one issue to deal with. We want to untangle the threads and focus on the one thing that is going to improve the quality of our lives.

In our example, let’s say that this is a relatively new friendship with a woman named Gertrude. We met at our children’s soccer game. We went out to lunch a couple of times, and then Gertrude began to call to chat. Gradually the chatting turned into complaining. Although Gertrude likes to talk, she does not like to listen. She has a negative view of most people and situations. She is also a victim. Everything is always someone else’s fault.

Generally we are triggered by things that are not in alignment with our values. If I believe that positivity is important, Gertrude is messing with my mental state. If I believe that it’s important to act and change a situation that you do not like, Gertrude’s victimhood is especially annoying.

We can do a cost v. benefit analysis by looking at all the ways that this situation is impacting us and anyone else. There can be positive impacts, and we want to consider those, too.

Here are some questions to ask:

  • How is this issue or situation affecting me?
  • Is the situation affecting others?
  • What results are currently being produced for each of us affected by the situation?
  • What are my emotions when I consider the impact of the situation?

In our example with Gertrude, I spend time dreading her call, suffering through the call, and stewing about the call when it’s done. This relationship is toxic for me in its current form.

It’s taking time away from the other things that I want to accomplish. I am often in a bad mood when I deal with my family. I am resentful and angry. I feel that I am being taken advantage of. It’s a one-sided relationship that doesn’t give me much benefit.

If I think of how it’s affecting Gertrude, I am helping her stay in the same victim mentality by not speaking up. She is upset about something, vents to me, feels better, and moves on without taking any action to improve the situation. I am not helping her.

In addition to considering the costs and benefits, I want to ask myself how I am contributing to this situation. It’s important to really think about what we are doing or not doing to contribute to this issue. If we do a major gut-check, we often can unearth some underlying causes that we own.

In our example, I am not setting proper boundaries with Gertrude, and it’s not healthy for me or her. My contribution has been inaction. I haven’t told Gertrude how I feel so that she has a chance to react or change. I am allowing a one-sided relationship to continue.

So, we’ve determined what we don’t like and don’t want. Now we want to uncover the dream behind the complaint. What do we want?

This is my favorite part. I love dreaming up best-case scenarios! We want to imagine a clear image of what we want and then check in with our emotions about that outcome. Then we want to consider how that outcome will affect others.

In our Gertrude example, I could imagine a life without Gertrude. I could just fade away from her life and become less and less available. It comes down to whether or not I believe that Gertrude’s friendship could be valuable and enjoyable. I need to ask myself if I’d miss her.

I’m going to say that in this made-up world with my made-up friend, I think I want to try and save the relationship. I want to sit down and talk with Gertrude about how I feel. It could make our relationship stronger in the end. We do have some fun times together.

Now that we have a clear picture of the situation and what we want to create, it’s time to take action. In the usual strategic planning way, we want to know who is going to do what by when. We also want to think about obstacles that could get in our way.

I am going to talk with Gertrude. It could be a difficult conversation, but I think that our relationship is worth the risk and the effort. I want to practice what I want to say. An outline for a good way to open the conversation is here. I often role-play with my coaching clients so that they have a chance to practice and clarify their message.

When considering obstacles, I could be the main obstacle – that is, my fear of confrontation. In this made-up scenario, I don’t like it when people get upset. I am going to invite Gertrude to lunch next Thursday, and I will talk with her then.

Whatever action we take must be in alignment with our values. In our example, I am not the kind of person who would distance myself from Gertrude and leave her wondering what happened. That feels icky to me. Although talking with her makes me feel nervous, it also is in alignment with who I want to be.

There you have it! A simple process to help you gain emotional freedom and authenticity! Many energy drains require confrontation and resolution. Sometimes the conflict is with ourselves, but many times it involves addressing a situation that we’d rather avoid. Keep in mind that the short-term discomfort of a tense conversation is much better than a simmering conflict that would drain your energy for the rest of your life.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effect Conflict: What Reality Are You In?

03 Tuesday Oct 2017

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The “Three Levels of Reality” sounds like a great title for a Star Trek episode. However, it is a model that can improve our ability to communicate effectively, handle conflict in a positive way, and motivate others. I learned the concept during my Organization and Relationship System Coaching (ORSC) certification program, and I discuss it in leadership seminars all the time. The three levels are Essence, Dreaming, and Consensus Reality.

Essence level describes feeling and experience before we put it into words. Once we start to describe a feeling or experience, it becomes less accurate because the description depends on words that cannot adequately capture an experience, feeling, or potential.

Once we have named a feeling, experience, or idea, we are in Dream level. There we create different possible outcomes and imagine things that we can then make real.

Consensus Reality is where dreams go when we make them a reality. Consensus Reality is what we all agree is here – chairs, offices, procedures, companies, etc.

Successful groups navigate through the different levels together. A group that stays in Dreaming level can become frustrated because it never DOES anything. On the other hand, if a group jumps straight to Consensus Reality level, they miss a lot of possibilities that happen in brainstorming and exploring in Dream level. Conflict happens when one person is talking about ideas in Dream level and another is talking tangible facts in Consensus Reality. I see this type of conflict often in my coaching.

Some of us are dreamers who like to discuss our ideas out loud. Others are logical people who like to talk about facts; we don’t say something unless we intend to follow through on it. Logical people judge ideas by how reasonable they are. When dreamers and logical people talk about things, conflict and frustration can often arise because they are talking on two different levels of reality.

For example, let’s say a married couple is out for a walk. The husband is a dreamer who likes to talk about ideas and what might be possible. He begins to talk about all of the wonderful things that they could do to remodel and transform their kitchen. Dreamers like to talk about ideas. They usually don’t intend to act on them right away. They get joy from talking about possibilities.

The wife is a logical person and a realist. She knows that they cannot afford to redo the kitchen right now. Besides, it would also create a huge mess, and they have people coming to their home for the holidays. She immediately begins to point out all of these facts. The husband is hurt and angry that she is squashing his ideas and fun. The wife is upset that the husband would consider turning her life upside down right now.

When I work with teams and couples with these two types of people, I explain that they are talking on two different levels of reality. Dreamers like to dream. Unless a dreamer says something three times, he or she probably doesn’t intend to follow through right now.

If the logical person can join in the dreaming, the conversation can be quite fun. I find it helps to have an opening conversation about the Three Levels of Reality. We talk about the levels and how we behave when we are in each level. The logical person is free to join in the dreaming fun once he or she is confident that the conversation isn’t about concrete plans.

If the logical person isn’t sure, he or she can check in and ask, “Are we dreaming?” If the dreamer says yes, then off they go! This one revelation completely transformed the relationship of one couple that I worked with for the better.

Talking about the levels of reality with a person or group is just creating clear communication. Many conflicts are not true disagreements; they are misunderstandings. We don’t ask enough questions and keep an open mind during a conversation. We make assumptions based on our own beliefs, experiences, and personality types.

Once again, I am going to harken back to the Conversation Outline and the Listen and Share step. We can avoid a lot of conflict just by being curious and open-minded. Most people have a logical reason for what they think and believe. We can resolve conflict when we have all of the information that we need. We cannot resolve conflict effectively if we are working from assumptions. We ask questions to determine in which level of reality each person is operating.

After the Listen and Share step is Develop Solutions. It’s the brainstorming step. I think of it as a funnel. In the beginning, there is a lot of dreaming and talking about possibilities. That sort of discussion fosters creativity. Then we begin to talk about those ideas in terms of what is reasonable and feasible. Remember, assuming that our standard for “reasonable” is the same as everyone else’s is a dangerous thing. At every step in a conversation, it’s important to be curious and ask questions. The dreamers and logical people find their common ground during the process of developing solutions.

For a bit of practice, define the level of reality in which you are operating throughout the day. Then, figure out what level other people are in. Conversations across levels usually end in conflict. Skillfully recognizing and steering a group (and yourself) through the different levels improves motivation, creativity, and productivity because it fosters clear communication – which is the foundation of effective conflict.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.